The Kara DioGuardi can’t handle numbers and Jesus favors Kris Allen American Idol Top 9 Recap
This is strange. I am actually excited for this evening’s shit show. Perhaps it is the possibility of hearing “new” songs? Perhaps I just have the overwhelming desire to make fun of people? I’m not sure. Or maybe it’s because my Roomba arrived today. Yay! My first robot!!
NOOOOOOO!!! Don’t let Kara DioGuardi talk about artistry. It’s as bad as Pope Benedict spouting off shit about condoms. Seriously. Taking sex advice from a priest is about as bad as listening to this twit talk about artistry.
So “popular downloads” was all it had to be, huh? Really was a free for all, I guess. (Of course, I’m sure the list wasn’t that long…)
I hate Usher. But I like Anoop. Usher is such a choad. Anoop isn’t a choad. Granted, I wouldn’t be making up songs about him in my bedroom or anything, but I’m normal. I kind of like his performance, actually. Anoop is just fun. He even makes Usher fun and his hand motions make me giggle. And his friends almost look as if they would be really, really fun if I was 21 and still in college.
Christ, why do they let Randy talk? Why is he wearing Sally Jesse Raphael’s glasses? Oh, so it wasn’t the right song. Shut the frak up, loser. I don’t understand how it was the wrong song. Kara thinks it was as if a bunch of frat guys dared him to get up and sing a song. This elicits jeers from Anoop’s friends, obviously. Yeah, bitch, I got your number. You just singled them out because you want to go cougar on their asses after the show. DioGuardi, there is no artistry in your desperation.
Holy frak. Why does Paula make so much sense? Simon hates it, thinks he’s unoriginal, collegiate, an overall trainwreck. Whatevia. People like Anoop. And why did I actually get a kick out of his arrogance when Ryan asked him what he thought about Kara’s opinion? I usually hate that shit. You tell them they suck, Anoop! They should be thankful they actually have legitimate college kids at UNC watching this shit show because of you.
Turn Your Lights Down Low
Megan Joy is the hottest girl to ever be on Idol. Yeah, whatevia. I’m a woman and I’m saying this because I am comfortable with my sexuality, much like Hot By Default Fundie Boy is with his, I’m sure. Why do people loathe Tattooed Mormon Joy’s voice so much? I don’t get it. She is untrained and has raw talent. Isn’t that what this shit show is supposed to be about? A Lauryn Hill song really works for her and there is some real beauty in some of the long notes. Sorry, haters, but she has the kind of female voice I like. I would take someone “quirky” any day over your Mariahs and Christinas and any other wailer. They are boring. Tattooed Mormon Joy is anything but boring!
DioGuardi really likes her, but thinks she is in trouble. And then she starts babbling on about song choice. Shut up, DioGuardi. You’re just jealous because Tattooed Mormon Joy will ALWAYS be hotter than you. Paula is also giving her a bit of hell, but she makes more sense than Jealous Hater Cougar Kara. She wants to see her on a stool. Simon thinks she was boring, indulgent and monotonous. Shut up, Simon! Sally Jesse Jackson says she put him to sleep or something ridiculous. Whatevia. You tell them, Tattooed Mormon Joy! You know you have fans who will vote for you!
And before the commercial break…SUPER LAMENESS!
What Hurts The Most
Please, please, please. Do not mention your dead grandfather. Okay, I must make a confession here. I really love this song. Rascal Choad seems like a bunch of choads. (Or is Rascal Flatts one person, much like Jethro Tull?) Yeah, but whatevia. I like this song. Hmmm…how does someone tone it down yet sing their heart out? Especially when their experience comes from singing in front of some creepy cult? I suppose he is a bit more restrained than usual, but we’re not done yet. When he belts out the lyrics come back to me, the audience erupts into feverish applause because obviously, they are overcome with emotion because Danny Gokey is obviously singing this to his dead wife.
Paula is standing and I think Gokey’s pants are too damn tight. This does not look good. Was he horrible? Well…not horrible, per se, but it really doesn’t even compare to the original. He wasn’t bad-bad, I just… Jesus Christ, why did they let the applause go on so frakking long? Panning the audience and their signs, his in-law’s and their signs. Paula creams herself. Simon says he is a racehorse to Megan and Anoop’s snails. The camera keeps going back to his in-laws. Sally Jesse Jackson babbles on with some bullshit when you know he so badly wants Gokey’s approval about his new eyewear. Cougar DioGuardi spouts some nonsense and says she got those goosebumps.
I want to vomit. Would anyone care to join me? (FYI, Gokey Frauen, the song is not about someone dying. It’s about someone breaking your heart and literally walking out on you. I’m sure you can interpret it all you want and I’m sure you will do just that on your weirdo I Love Gokey message boards, but the song is not about death, per se. Ugh. Why am I even trying to explain?)
Yay! La Princesa del Mariachi should be able to wash that bad taste out of my mouth AND she is going to be playing the guitar. Ugh. That hair. Oh, well. She is still La Princesa del Mariachi and this kid pretty much rocks. (I am trying to ignore her hair.) She frakked up a note, there was a pause that wasn’t supposed to be there a few moments into the song. Her timing might be a bit off.
This is kind of not great, but I love La Princesa del Mariachi and I want her to stay in this competition. And I thought she would be playing the guitar more, but she’s more or less wearing it like a messenger bag. Once this kid gets going, she’s out of control, but I’m starting to wonder if she can do more than power vocals. Granted, I hate her hair and can’t really see myself wearing that dress, but Sally Jesse Jackson does not need to be giving anyone fashion advice. Cougar Twat DioGuardi thinks she is trying to be rock when she doesn’t have to be when it comes out in her voice, blah blah blah. Yes. Let’s put her in clothes from The Gap. You can even take her shopping!
Whoa. Paula, you have just blown it for me tonight. The way you recited those remarks about the intonation and delivery being masterful and effortless, yeah, who is feeding you your lines??? Is that what that little screen inside the table is for? Your teleprompter? Well, you blew all attempts at being natural because it sounded as if you memorized it while Sally Jesse Jackson and Cougar Twat From Hell were talking jibberish.
I feel bad for thinking La Princesa del Mariachi looks exactly like a troll doll right now. But…
Simon calls her precocious. Again. Jesus. COME UP WITH SOME NEW ADJECTIVES PEOPLE!!! Hell, pitchy would almost seem novel at this point.
Where the hell do they find these people for the mosh pit? Idol continues to bastardize the term for all of us who actually were in mosh pits during the early-to-mid-1990s. There is even a pubescent Latino boy/Shia LaBeouf doppelganger with the unfortunate distinction of a perv stache. Oh, sweetie. It is time to start shaving.
Just The Way You Are
Blind Guy finally gets to sing Billy Joel on the Idol stage. The angels are singing. And I can’t take my eyes over his slicked back yet feathered hair.
This song is one of those songs that is overplayed throughout life, so by a certain age, oh hell, even 20, you just don’t want to hear it anymore. I am closing my eyes and listening to him. I am typing, too. How am I doing? My eyes are still closed. I am trying to LISTEN to the song and be blind so I really get a feel for the vocals. Sorry, Blind Guy, I really might like you as a person but I just don’t like your singing, although I will give you credit for being better tonight than any other time I’ve seen you on this shit show.
Oh wow. I rule. I WROTE ALL OF THAT WITH MY EYES CLOSED!!!
I just totally got the piss shivers when Obnoxious Cougar From Hell said stripping it down. If you missed it, here is a visual:
And she loves the hair, too!
I think Blind Guy was better than his usual self tonight, being in his Joelement. (Me funny.) He will live to see, er sing, another week. The guy is likable, I’ll give him that. I just don’t think I will ever enjoy his singing. Paula says some crap about him and his challenge making her ignore his challenge, which frankly, doesn’t really ignore his challenge. Simon says this is the best he has been (duh). Sally Jesse Jackson calls him one of the best of the night, because, like, DUH. Gokey performed.
Fabulous. We have to hear Lil sing Celine Dion and be completely mediocre and Mole Giraud sing The Fray (PREDICTABLE!) after the break.
You Found Me
I feel kind of bad but I CANNOT STOP STARING AT YOUR HEAD MOLE. I want to stop, but the word cyclops keeps running through my head. And I feel bad. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re a real nice guy, even if you’re putting your passion into a song by The Fray. Not that some Fray songs aren’t semi-listenable some random times, but…ugh…it’s just soooo predictable. And it’s The Fray. They’re just soooo predictable.
Matt and his Mole are playing the keyboards in the mosh pit. This is something new. Hmmm…why can’t any contestant get enough balls to play a frakking keytar? I bet Normund Gentle / Nick Mitchell would have done that shit if he were still here. Alas. No keytars on Idol.
I guess he’s doing pretty good, but I’m just a bit bored. And the song isn’t even that terrible, in all honesty. I’m just…completely bored, even though Mole is fairly talented. Paula calls him soundalike (which may be another big word on Idol this year, apparently) and says it is reminiscent of his infamous Coldplay week. Simon says he sucks this week and isn’t being true to himself. I kind of want to defend this kid, even though I can’t stop staring at his mole and Sally Jesse Jackson calls him dawg, tells him he has to be soul and not rock. I kind of want to kick all the judges’ asses right now because goddamnit, can’t they just let these kids sing whatever the hell they want to sing once they finally get to do something current.
If they even pimp the frak out of Lil Rounds doing some tired Celine Dion rendition next…Christ, in the little pre-show banter, Lil totally has the same hairstyle as Blind Guy. It’s a good thing she is rocking a wig tonight.
I’m really hoping the judges give her flack about choosing the wrong song and how she should be singing Mary J. Blige. Because they’ve done it to almost everyone else. Christ, Lil Rounds. You are so frakking BORING. I want to hit myself for even watching this right now. Here is a fine example of how someone is a “great singer” because they can hit really big notes. Seriously? Is that all singing is about?
Sally Jesse Jackson brings up song choice! But then says she sang it really really well. YES! I totally called this shit. He invokes Mary J. Blige. As does Evil Cougar From Hell. Of course, they just call her unbelievable and effortless and blah blah blah, clearly admitting how much they suck. They only care about the big bland notes. Paula is getting drunker, you can totally tell because she’s starting to slur. Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster Simon calls her a wedding singer. And all judges but Paula invoke Mary J. Blige.
Can she just please, please, please be in the Bottom 3 this week? I don’t hate this chick, but come on! She was mediocre! And now you have Seacrest talking to her kids trying to gain that sympathy vote. Oh for frak’s sake. He handed one of the kids to Sally Jesse Jackson and now Lil Rounds is tearing up and I will so not get my wish of her being in the Bottom 3 this week.
American Idol, you suck so frakking much. I want to vomit for the 3rd or 4th time this evening. You have taken your blatant pimping to grand new heights this week, Idol. You’re not fooling anyone. And the pimping will continue…
Play That Funky Music
Whatever your feelings are about Adam Lambert, at least you never know what he’s going to do when he comes out on stage. And he’s the only person in this competition who causes such wonder. Granted, I could really do without him hitting every single octave every goddamn time he sings, but I think more people should grab their crotches on family television.
Jesus. He just keeps screeching and gyrating. I’ll give him props for actually doing appropriate little spins and crotch thrusts, but…too much screeching. Can we just get it over with and have him sing You Could Be Mine? Or Sweet Child Of Mine? If only Slash, Adler and Duff owned all of G’N’R’s music, then we would be all set. Just stick Adam Lambert in as their front man. Everybody’s problems are solved. Except Axl’s, I guess.
I digress. Anyway, I really want to like Adam Lambert more than I do. I just think he needs to stop screeching. Unless he’s singing Don’t Cry, I don’t want to hear this bastard screech again.
Apparently, he has made Paula foam at the mouth and Simon want to do naughty, naughty things to him. (But was she wearing Paula Abdul Jewelry tonight? Because that necklace was almost actually fun.) Paula also starts reciting off things from memory/teleprompter in a quick, successive fashion, once again proving she is being fed her lines by someone. All the judges cream all over themselves fawning over Lambert.
Smart move, Lambert, for giving credit to Ricky Minor and the Idol band however, this is all overshadowed by the what is quite possibly the DUMBEST FRAKKING THING KARA DIOGUARDI HAS EVER SAID ON CAMERA. Yes, I know hard to believe, but I think we have a WINNER!!!
It was like Studio 57 up in here.
OH WOW. OH WOW. YOU ARE SUCH A FRAKKING IDIOT. Did you know Kara DioGuardi holds a degree in political science from Duke University? Clearly bought for her by her former Republican Congressman father because bitch has shit for brains. Yo, Evil Cougar Twat. Steve Rubell is rolling over in his grave right now. Granted, its probably also because he wants to hump the shit out of Lambert but Jesus Christ, what is this woman’s problem with simple NUMBERS?
Newly-anointed pimpee Kris Allen is in the pimp spot. But I can’t hate on him yet because he still might be really, really fun!
Ain’t No Sunshine
Hot By Default Fundie Boy is gonna play the piano. He likes to make old songs new. I just want him to be the one to bust out a keytar. I really hope all of Evangelical America starts throwing their votes behind Hot By Default because he is a way, way cooler man of god. I know all of the Kradam fans are wishing he sang “he” instead of “she”, but whatevia. I’m sure they will learn how to deal with it by fantasizing about post-performance naughties going on in the Lambert-Allen room of the Idol Manse. And hey, they can concentrate on the fact he sings really super close to the microphone (OMG PHALLIC!).
Sally Jesse Jackson starts off the unanimous foaming at the mouth and pants-creaming over at the judges’ table. Granted, he did pretty much tear it up and give the best performance of the evening.
Oh Jesus, DioGuardi has THREE WORDS FOR HIM.
That was ARTISTRY! WHOOO!
Whatever. I’m soooo counting the whoooo as a fourth word, you numbers-challenged twit.
Hot By Default Fundie Boy really needs to ditch the lame wife AND Jesus if he wants to take it to the next level, but I can’t say I’m not totally pleased he may be the one to break up the Gokey-Lambert lovefest. Maybe it’s just me, but watching the little performance recaps, uh…Hot By Default is sooooooo much more favored by the Lord.
Sorry, Gokey. Jesus just took his hand off the wheel so he could pick up his iPhone and vote for Kris Allen.