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The Kara DioGuardi can’t handle numbers and Jesus favors Kris Allen American Idol Top 9 Recap

March 31, 2009

This is strange. I am actually excited for this evening’s shit show. Perhaps it is the possibility of hearing “new” songs? Perhaps I just have the overwhelming desire to make fun of people? I’m not sure. Or maybe it’s because my Roomba arrived today. Yay! My first robot!!

Holy frak. What have they done to Blind Guy’s hair? It’s the style usually seen on Lil Rounds. And La Princesa del Mariachi’s hair??? WTF??? I knew that Idol hairstylist had crazy eyes.

NOOOOOOO!!! Don’t let Kara DioGuardi talk about artistry. It’s as bad as Pope Benedict spouting off shit about condoms. Seriously. Taking sex advice from a priest is about as bad as listening to this twit talk about artistry.

So “popular downloads” was all it had to be, huh? Really was a free for all, I guess. (Of course, I’m sure the list wasn’t that long…)

Anoop Desai
Caught Up

I hate Usher. But I like Anoop. Usher is such a choad. Anoop isn’t a choad. Granted, I wouldn’t be making up songs about him in my bedroom or anything, but I’m normal. I kind of like his performance, actually. Anoop is just fun. He even makes Usher fun and his hand motions make me giggle. And his friends almost look as if they would be really, really fun if I was 21 and still in college. 

Anoop Desai sings Usher

Christ, why do they let Randy talk? Why is he wearing Sally Jesse Raphael’s glasses? Oh, so it wasn’t the right song. Shut the frak up, loser. I don’t understand how it was the wrong song. Kara thinks it was as if a bunch of frat guys dared him to get up and sing a song. This elicits jeers from Anoop’s friends, obviously. Yeah, bitch, I got your number. You just singled them out because you want to go cougar on their asses after the show. DioGuardi, there is no artistry in your desperation. 

Anoop's frat boy friends

Holy frak. Why does Paula make so much sense? Simon hates it, thinks he’s unoriginal, collegiate, an overall trainwreck. Whatevia. People like Anoop. And why did I actually get a kick out of his arrogance when Ryan asked him what he thought about Kara’s opinion? I usually hate that shit. You tell them they suck, Anoop! They should be thankful they actually have legitimate college kids at UNC watching this shit show because of you.

Megan Joy
Turn Your Lights Down Low

Megan Joy is the hottest girl to ever be on Idol. Yeah, whatevia. I’m a woman and I’m saying this because I am comfortable with my sexuality, much like Hot By Default Fundie Boy is with his, I’m sure. Why do people loathe Tattooed Mormon Joy’s voice so much? I don’t get it. She is untrained and has raw talent. Isn’t that what this shit show is supposed to be about? A Lauryn Hill song really works for her and there is some real beauty in some of the long notes. Sorry, haters, but she has the kind of female voice I like. I would take someone “quirky” any day over your Mariahs and Christinas and any other wailer. They are boring. Tattooed Mormon Joy is anything but boring! 

Megan Joy is beautiful and needs to stay on Idol

DioGuardi really likes her, but thinks she is in trouble. And then she starts babbling on about song choice. Shut up, DioGuardi. You’re just jealous because Tattooed Mormon Joy will ALWAYS be hotter than you. Paula is also giving her a bit of hell, but she makes more sense than Jealous Hater Cougar Kara. She wants to see her on a stool. Simon thinks she was boring, indulgent and monotonous. Shut up, Simon! Sally Jesse Jackson says she put him to sleep or something ridiculous. Whatevia. You tell them, Tattooed Mormon Joy! You know you have fans who will vote for you!

And before the commercial break…SUPER LAMENESS!

Danny Gokey and Alison Iraheta act stupid

Danny Gokey
What Hurts The Most

Please, please, please. Do not mention your dead grandfather. Okay, I must make a confession here. I really love this song. Rascal Choad seems like a bunch of choads. (Or is Rascal Flatts one person, much like Jethro Tull?) Yeah, but whatevia. I like this song. Hmmm…how does someone tone it down yet sing their heart out? Especially when their experience comes from singing in front of some creepy cult? I suppose he is a bit more restrained than usual, but we’re not done yet. When he belts out the lyrics come back to me, the audience erupts into feverish applause because obviously, they are overcome with emotion because Danny Gokey is obviously singing this to his dead wife.

Danny Gokey sings Rascal Flatts

Paula is standing and I think Gokey’s pants are too damn tight. This does not look good. Was he horrible? Well…not horrible, per se, but it really doesn’t even compare to the original. He wasn’t bad-bad, I just… Jesus Christ, why did they let the applause go on so frakking long? Panning the audience and their signs, his in-law’s and their signs. Paula creams herself. Simon says he is a racehorse to Megan and Anoop’s snails. The camera keeps going back to his in-laws. Sally Jesse Jackson babbles on with some bullshit when you know he so badly wants Gokey’s approval about his new eyewear. Cougar DioGuardi spouts some nonsense and says she got those goosebumps. 

I want to vomit. Would anyone care to join me? (FYI, Gokey Frauen, the song is not about someone dying. It’s about someone breaking your heart and literally walking out on you. I’m sure you can interpret it all you want and I’m sure you will do just that on your weirdo I Love Gokey message boards, but the song is not about death, per se. Ugh. Why am I even trying to explain?)

Alison Iraheta
Don’t Speak

Yay! La Princesa del Mariachi should be able to wash that bad taste out of my mouth AND she is going to be playing the guitar. Ugh. That hair. Oh, well. She is still La Princesa del Mariachi and this kid pretty much rocks. (I am trying to ignore her hair.) She frakked up a note, there was a pause that wasn’t supposed to be there a few moments into the song. Her timing might be a bit off.

Alison Iraheta needs to kick the Idol hairstylist's ass

This is kind of not great, but I love La Princesa del Mariachi and I want her to stay in this competition. And I thought she would be playing the guitar more, but she’s more or less wearing it like a messenger bag. Once this kid gets going, she’s out of control, but I’m starting to wonder if she can do more than power vocals. Granted, I hate her hair and can’t really see myself wearing that dress, but Sally Jesse Jackson does not need to be giving anyone fashion advice. Cougar Twat DioGuardi thinks she is trying to be rock when she doesn’t have to be when it comes out in her voice, blah blah blah. Yes. Let’s put her in clothes from The Gap. You can even take her shopping! 

Whoa. Paula, you have just blown it for me tonight. The way you recited those remarks about the intonation and delivery being masterful and effortless, yeah, who is feeding you your lines??? Is that what that little screen inside the table is for? Your teleprompter? Well, you blew all attempts at being natural because it sounded as if you memorized it while Sally Jesse Jackson and Cougar Twat From Hell were talking jibberish.

I feel bad for thinking La Princesa del Mariachi looks exactly like a troll doll right now. But…

Alison Iraheta Troll Doll

Simon calls her precocious. Again. Jesus. COME UP WITH SOME NEW ADJECTIVES PEOPLE!!! Hell, pitchy would almost seem novel at this point.

Where the hell do they find these people for the mosh pit? Idol continues to bastardize the term for all of us who actually were in mosh pits during the early-to-mid-1990s. There is even a pubescent Latino boy/Shia LaBeouf doppelganger with the unfortunate distinction of a perv stache. Oh, sweetie. It is time to start shaving. 

Ryan Seacrest in the Idol "Mosh Pit"

Scott MacIntyre
Just The Way You Are

Blind Guy finally gets to sing Billy Joel on the Idol stage. The angels are singing. And I can’t take my eyes over his slicked back yet feathered hair. 

Scott MacIntyre's new hairstyle

This song is one of those songs that is overplayed throughout life, so by a certain age, oh hell, even 20, you just don’t want to hear it anymore. I am closing my eyes and listening to him. I am typing, too. How am I doing? My eyes are still closed. I am trying to LISTEN to the song and be blind so I really get a feel for the vocals. Sorry, Blind Guy, I really might like you as a person but I just don’t like your singing, although I will give you credit for being better tonight than any other time I’ve seen you on this shit show.

Oh wow. I rule. I WROTE ALL OF THAT WITH MY EYES CLOSED!!!

I just totally got the piss shivers when Obnoxious Cougar From Hell said stripping it down. If you missed it, here is a visual:

Kara DioGuardi opens wide

And she loves the hair, too!

Scott MacIntyre and his new big hair

I think Blind Guy was better than his usual self tonight, being in his Joelement. (Me funny.) He will live to see, er sing, another week. The guy is likable, I’ll give him that. I just don’t think I will ever enjoy his singing. Paula says some crap about him and his challenge making her ignore his challenge, which frankly, doesn’t really ignore his challenge. Simon says this is the best he has been (duh). Sally Jesse Jackson calls him one of the best of the night, because, like, DUH. Gokey performed. 

Fabulous. We have to hear Lil sing Celine Dion and be completely mediocre and Mole Giraud sing The Fray (PREDICTABLE!) after the break.

Matt Giraud
You Found Me

I feel kind of bad but I CANNOT STOP STARING AT YOUR HEAD MOLE. I want to stop, but the word cyclops keeps running through my head. And I feel bad. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re a real nice guy, even if you’re putting your passion into a song by The Fray. Not that some Fray songs aren’t semi-listenable some random times, but…ugh…it’s just soooo predictable. And it’s The Fray. They’re just soooo predictable.

Matt Giraud on keyboard

Matt and his Mole are playing the keyboards in the mosh pit. This is something new. Hmmm…why can’t any contestant get enough balls to play a frakking keytar? I bet Normund Gentle / Nick Mitchell would have done that shit if he were still here. Alas. No keytars on Idol.

I guess he’s doing pretty good, but I’m just a bit bored. And the song isn’t even that terrible, in all honesty. I’m just…completely bored, even though Mole is fairly talented. Paula calls him soundalike (which may be another big word on Idol this year, apparently) and says it is reminiscent of his infamous Coldplay week. Simon says he sucks this week and isn’t being true to himself. I kind of want to defend this kid, even though I can’t stop staring at his mole and Sally Jesse Jackson calls him dawg, tells him he has to be soul and not rock. I kind of want to kick all the judges’ asses right now because goddamnit, can’t they just let these kids sing whatever the hell they want to sing once they finally get to do something current.

If they even pimp the frak out of Lil Rounds doing some tired Celine Dion rendition next…Christ, in the little pre-show banter, Lil totally has the same hairstyle as Blind Guy. It’s a good thing she is rocking a wig tonight.

Lil Rounds has the same hair as Scott MacIntyre

Lil Rounds
I Surrender

I’m really hoping the judges give her flack about choosing the wrong song and how she should be singing Mary J. Blige. Because they’ve done it to almost everyone else. Christ, Lil Rounds. You are so frakking BORING. I want to hit myself for even watching this right now. Here is a fine example of how someone is a “great singer” because they can hit really big notes. Seriously? Is that all singing is about?

Sally Jesse Jackson brings up song choice! But then says she sang it really really well. YES! I totally called this shit. He invokes Mary J. Blige. As does Evil Cougar From Hell. Of course, they just call her unbelievable and effortless and blah blah blah, clearly admitting how much they suck. They only care about the big bland notes. Paula is getting drunker, you can totally tell because she’s starting to slur. Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster Simon calls her a wedding singer. And all judges but Paula invoke Mary J. Blige.

Can she just please, please, please be in the Bottom 3 this week? I don’t hate this chick, but come on! She was mediocre! And now you have Seacrest talking to her kids trying to gain that sympathy vote. Oh for frak’s sake. He handed one of the kids to Sally Jesse Jackson and now Lil Rounds is tearing up and I will so not get my wish of her being in the Bottom 3 this week.

American Idol, you suck so frakking much. I want to vomit for the 3rd or 4th time this evening. You have taken your blatant pimping to grand new heights this week, Idol. You’re not fooling anyone. And the pimping will continue…

Adam Lambert
Play That Funky Music

Whatever your feelings are about Adam Lambert, at least you never know what he’s going to do when he comes out on stage. And he’s the only person in this competition who causes such wonder. Granted, I could really do without him hitting every single octave every goddamn time he sings, but I think more people should grab their crotches on family television.

Jesus. He just keeps screeching and gyrating. I’ll give him props for actually doing appropriate little spins and crotch thrusts, but…too much screeching. Can we just get it over with and have him sing You Could Be Mine? Or Sweet Child Of Mine? If only Slash, Adler and Duff owned all of G’N’R’s music, then we would be all set. Just stick Adam Lambert in as their front man. Everybody’s problems are solved. Except Axl’s, I guess.

Adam Lambert screeched with talent...again

I digress. Anyway, I really want to like Adam Lambert more than I do. I just think he needs to stop screeching. Unless he’s singing Don’t Cry, I don’t want to hear this bastard screech again.

Paula Abdul foams at the mouth and Simon thinks about naughtiness

Apparently, he has made Paula foam at the mouth and Simon want to do naughty, naughty things to him. (But was she wearing Paula Abdul Jewelry tonight? Because that necklace was almost actually fun.) Paula also starts reciting off things from memory/teleprompter in a quick, successive fashion, once again proving she is being fed her lines by someone. All the judges cream all over themselves fawning over Lambert. 

Smart move, Lambert, for giving credit to Ricky Minor and the Idol band however, this is all overshadowed by the what is quite possibly the DUMBEST FRAKKING THING KARA DIOGUARDI HAS EVER SAID ON CAMERA. Yes, I know hard to believe, but I think we have a WINNER!!!

It was like Studio 57 up in here.

OH WOW. OH WOW. YOU ARE SUCH A FRAKKING IDIOT. Did you know Kara DioGuardi holds a degree in political science from Duke University? Clearly bought for her by her former Republican Congressman father because bitch has shit for brains. Yo, Evil Cougar Twat. Steve Rubell is rolling over in his grave right now. Granted, its probably also because he wants to hump the shit out of Lambert but Jesus Christ, what is this woman’s problem with simple NUMBERS?

Kara DioGuardi is dumber than rocks

Newly-anointed pimpee Kris Allen is in the pimp spot. But I can’t hate on him yet because he still might be really, really fun!

Kris Allen
Ain’t No Sunshine

Hot By Default Fundie Boy is gonna play the piano. He likes to make old songs new. I just want him to be the one to bust out a keytar. I really hope all of Evangelical America starts throwing their votes behind Hot By Default because he is a way, way cooler man of god. I know all of the Kradam fans are wishing he sang “he” instead of “she”, but whatevia. I’m sure they will learn how to deal with it by fantasizing about post-performance naughties going on in the Lambert-Allen room of the Idol Manse. And hey, they can concentrate on the fact he sings really super close to the microphone (OMG PHALLIC!).

Kris Allen gets his groove on and Jesus loves it

Sally Jesse Jackson starts off the unanimous foaming at the mouth and pants-creaming over at the judges’ table. Granted, he did pretty much tear it up and give the best performance of the evening. 

Oh Jesus, DioGuardi has THREE WORDS FOR HIM.

That was ARTISTRY! WHOOO!

Whatever. I’m soooo counting the whoooo as a fourth word, you numbers-challenged twit. 

Kris Allen is Hot By Default and might be cooler than we thought

Hot By Default Fundie Boy really needs to ditch the lame wife AND Jesus if he wants to take it to the next level, but I can’t say I’m not totally pleased he may be the one to break up the Gokey-Lambert lovefest. Maybe it’s just me, but watching the little performance recaps, uh…Hot By Default is sooooooo much more favored by the Lord.

Sorry, Gokey. Jesus just took his hand off the wheel so he could pick up his iPhone and vote for Kris Allen.

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. Chris permalink
    April 7, 2009 10:48 pm

    Haha! I don’t watch Idol regularly, just occasionally with my girlfrind…but you are pretty much spot on with your comments. That Kara person…the judge, is so freaking jealous of ANY and EVERY girl that is prettier than her. She is maybe THE most annoying person I’ve ever seen on TV, EVER. I’m not sure why they added her to the other three, unless it’s to balance out the studdering, choppy comments of Paula Abdul, who is obviously on some sort of drugs, with a blithering idiot like Kara. Does she really think she is THAT hott? And does she really think she is important enough to give advice to young, up and coming stars? Maybe the Idol producers do, but from what I’ve found on the internet about her, she definately is not and definately needs to be removed from that judges seat. She’s just a wanna-be young again unattractive smartass know-it-all who’s time has come, and hopefully, gone. Awful, she’s just simply awful.

  2. HaterHati'n permalink
    April 2, 2009 9:16 am

    Wow, for a person who hates almost anything about American Idol, you sure watch it every time. Your blogs are so full of hate and anger, it’s depressing people like you live. Besides, I like Kara compared to “drunkPaulaAbdul” because whenever I hear her voice, I change the channel. And as if Kara injected herself in American Idol?! I mean, they are being hired you know. She’s clear at what she wants and her advice is greater compared to yours.

    • April 2, 2009 2:34 pm

      And to think, but not responding at all to TopIdol’s posts, or not even visiting this site at all, you’d be doing far more damage than if you set aside a few minutes of your day to post that half-thought out, meandering comment. Which is what you did. Because you’re a idiot.

      Besides, Paula isn’t drunk. That’s blatantly untrue. She’s hopped up on pills. She only drinks on performance night. Obviously.

      And to your first point: People also have a tendency to slow down to look at car accidents as they drive by. Does that mean we like them? Obviously not, but again, you’re an idiot.

  3. Goatlove permalink
    April 1, 2009 5:07 pm

    Um, I hated last night’s show so much…. mostly because my favorites didn’t do so hot… and by not so hot, they are all at risk at going home according to dialidol. So I can’t comment on it.

    But… I do offer you a gift instead. I made it myself. Blind dude couldn’t make me stop thinking of the hair similarities:

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 1, 2009 5:41 pm

      Wow. I love my gift. It’s better than dinner. 🙂

  4. =^..^= permalink
    April 1, 2009 4:22 pm

    I thought the crooked smilin’ Kris was the only really good performance last night. I just can’t watch him sing. Allison was ALSO really great. I thought they were really hard on her for her vocal review BUT, her outfit and hair? Wow, what TRASH! Sixteen or not, SOMEONE should have told her she looked ridiculous! And OMG those shoes! I kept hearing Steve Martin’s voice in my head from the movie My Blue Heaven … “Have you ever been wrong about anything before in your life? Yes. Once. The shoes, right? The shoes are tragic!”

  5. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    April 1, 2009 2:04 pm

    I slept through most of this show. Christ what a bore. Adam woke me up with his electric boogaloo number. What a craptastic song choice but he gets an ‘A’ for effort. Simon is clearly on the Lambert love train since he would have slammed anyone else for that performance. Kris was good too but for me, the whole season is about Adam.

  6. Lady Girl permalink
    April 1, 2009 12:49 pm

    you have so much hate and anger… why dont you just kill yourself and get it over with?

    • April 1, 2009 2:43 pm

      At last, my tumultuous life-long quest for the most moronic and ironic blog comment has come to an end. The journey was difficult, and I lost many friends and loved ones along the way, due to the tenacity and offensive stubbornness of my demeanor. I can’t blame them for leaving my side; indeed, I regret to inform you all that my eyes were so fixed on the prize I did not know they were gone until this fantastic discovery today opened my eyes to the world once more. I am refreshed. Born again. Thank you, Lady Girl. Thank you.

      I mean COME. ON. You accuse someone of anger and hate and then ask them to die? Can we go to the hospital together later so I can get an MRI or catscan of your brain? I want to know what being useless looks like, as it happens, in delicious real time. I want to see which neurons are firing in the mind of a delusional human being, so I can have doctors prescribe me drugs and monitor me for the rest of my life so that I never, ever say something as hypocritical and stupid as your comment.

      Seriously, your comment was so whack that my computer monitor plum unplugged itself and jumped out my office window. It’s true. The comment was so filled with ass-hattery and intellectual depravity that it caused my monitor, a inanimate thing, to miraculously spring to life just so that it could kill itself by jumping out a 4th story window.

      Sanjaya’s frakking crazy-ass hair, of all things, spontaneously acquired the ability to pick up and dial the phone, just so it could call me and say “thank Vishnu, for there is a being on this earth who is more worthless than I!” Crazy thing is it didn’t have my number. It just knew, obviously because the awfulness of your comment, like some lesser god, granted Sanjaya’s hair the ability to know all things at once.

      Jeebus Spaghetti Monster Gaylord Focker Christ, I’m done.

    • Shannon permalink
      April 2, 2009 9:45 pm

      haha…funny comment…i simply loooove American Idol and i love this website too…very entertaining…..

  7. April 1, 2009 12:03 pm

    I could not understand why they ripped Megan so bad, and is it just me or does Gokey just suck balls. I think his voice is in the bottom three of the people left. Plus he is a tool.

  8. =^..^= permalink
    April 1, 2009 9:36 am

    OMG you made me laugh so hard!
    However, I could do without you using the T word! @.@

    I so agree about Matt and his darn Mole LOL!

    When my son was 4 years old we were at Home Depot and this lady at the checkout line in front of us had this HUGE mole in the center of her forehead. He said to her loudly with his little lisp …
    “Hey lady! Why youz gots that pimple on your forehead?”
    I quickly said, “No honey it’s not a pimple, it’s a mole!”
    To which he LOUDLY replied, “WELL IT’S BIG! SHE NEEDS TO PICK IT!”
    I almost peed my pants laughing all the way home. Whaddya gonna do? It was freakin’ hilarious! Now where in the WORLD would he learn THAT from??? LOL!!!

    True story!

  9. jcoop05 permalink
    April 1, 2009 9:28 am

    “I would take someone “quirky” any day over your Mariahs and Christinas and any other wailer. They are boring. Tattooed Mormon Joy is anything but boring! ”

    Really? This is an honest statement? I don’t like Mariah but you cannot truthfully sit there and say that this girl is more exiting than Christina Aguilera. That’s blasphemous.

    There’s no raw talent there. Raw talent is someone like Lauryn Hill who doesn’t have a very trained voice and is just naturally amazing. That girls voice is shaky and tinny.

    • April 1, 2009 11:12 am

      Well that’s just not true. There are plenty of boring people that happen to have great voices. Christiana Aguilera is a great example of this fact, and commend TopIdol for saying what everyone, except you, apparently, is already thinking.

      For instance, if I were to attend a Christiana Aguilera live concert, I’d slowly slip into a coma and die because she moves about the stage with all the elegance and grace of two cadavers have intercourse with one another.

      • TopIdol permalink
        April 1, 2009 12:02 pm

        I often felt like that whenever I heard her on those M&M commercials. It’s part of the reason I have a DVR.

  10. Angela permalink
    April 1, 2009 9:23 am

    I loved your commentary. Anoop and Allison are my favorites also, and Kara’s crack about Studio 57, like anyone watching the shows knows what the hell that is.

  11. lynn permalink
    April 1, 2009 8:28 am

    Thanks for the chuckles!!!

  12. memsky permalink
    March 31, 2009 11:42 pm

    Bwahahaa!! Very observant! I like your style in writing.

  13. March 31, 2009 10:46 pm

    One of these days some Idol gossip reporter is going to discover the string in Randy’s back that the producers pull for one of his six canned catchphrases. I think that reporter is going to be you.

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