Ode To Joy, Ode to Goats: AI Top 9 Results
I already tonight is going to suck BIG TIME, even if I get to hear Poker Face, by Lady GaGa. Lady GaGa bugs me, but I frakking love Poker Face. Like, if they made some stupid scripted “reality” show on MTV about my life and work travails, Poker Face would so be the theme. Because that’s what I think they do on those shows…I mean, I’ve only watched a tiny bit of The City and they just do that kind of shit.
Anyway, I’ll wax philosophical about Poker Face later if need be, right now, I’m just going to get really, really sad because Idol is such a shit show and three of my absolute favorites will be in the Bottom 3 tonight. I know this to be true because the DialIdol does not lie.
And I will be really, really sad because I know my darling Tattooed Mormon Joy will be going home. And poor Anoop and La Princesa del Mariachi will also have their lives on the line when Mediocre Rounds, Dead Wife and Blind Guy sit on the sofa in safety. BOOOO!!! HISS!!!!! CAWWWWWWW!!!!
I also wonder what Scott MacIntyre’s hair will look like this evening. But even Blind Wolverine will not save me from the sorrow which will ensure during the next hour.
Oh Jesus Christ, what is this opening. Seriously. WTF. Fuzzy boarders, quick turns, ignorant quips from the judges (Oh, and why hasn’t anyone called them out on what are obviously teleprompters in the judges’ table?)
Nice job, judges. Alison-Megan-Mole all sitting next to one another. Hmmm…wonder how this is gonna go down…You think they will send Alison and Megan to the stools and then make Anoop and Mole stand to sweat it out before Anoop gets sent to stand over with The Cool Chicks.
Ryan asks Kara about being heckled last night. She launches into some bullshit about her really loving the passion the audience has, blah blah blah. And she looks like a talking monkey.
Hmmm…two screens in the judge’s table. So are these for all four or JUST Randy and Paula? Curious placement and all…
Ok. Kara DioGuardi. SHUT THE FRAK UP. You’re here to do a job and help these kids, huh? You know how you do this? YOU SHUT THE FRAK UP.
Yeah, bitch, I booed for you, too.
And what is this? What? Paula is clearly drunk but she still manages to pimp Adam. I am sad because it appears she is only wearing earrings. NOOOOOOOOOOO. Oh wait! I was wrong. Of course she would be wearing some finery from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection this evening. In fact, I would venture a guess and say that perhaps one could buy both the cubic zirconia cuff bracelet AND the matching “bra” straps.
Awwww. I got a little sad when I saw all the kiddies sitting there on the sofa. Poor La Princessa and Tattooed Mormon Joy look as if they are about to be sent to their deaths.
FORD COMMERCIAL INANITY
I have absolutely no idea what will go on for the next 30 or so seconds but its already scaring the frak out of me. No. Really. I want to into curl up into the fetal position and sob after seeing just a few moments if this lunacy. It’s like a disfigured Stephen Colbert!
OMG. Ford. Idol. You are KILLING ME. And I swear I’ve seen this woman before. She was standing in front of me while I was waiting in line at Gates BBQ back in June 1999.
So is this how you give into Lambert’s desire to perform in drag? By making the others suffer? Poor La Princesa del Mariachi looks like Wynonna Judd! And why, oh, why does Hot By Default’s chin fuse so seamlessly into our lovely Tattooed Mormon Joy’s swan-like neck?
Oh for frak’s sake. I really, really, really want to get on with the show and stop taking photos but this shit is TOO DAMN MUCH! Apparently, Idol producers are also obsessed with Kradam (just like the nutters writing sick & twisted fan fic about the Idol Manse’s favorite roomies).
Ok. Clearly this frakkery filmed by someone who just dropped a sheet of acid.
Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster it’s over. OH SHIT. They go right from the Ford Commercial into…
GROUP SING HELL
Tonight we’ve got Don’t Stop Believin’, probably just so Randy Jackson can cream himself. Vocal tracks be damned. If La Princesa del Mariachi and Hot By Default fail to make the Top 4, this show has ZERO chance of ever convincing anyone it’s not fixed.
Oh Megan Joy. I heart you. Please don’t go.
Obviously, since all that vocal track shit came out, they’ve obviously decided to make this number heavier on the solos. Since you know, then they actually have to sing or something. Oh…poor Blind Guy. Always just stuck behind the keys. Give him a frakking keytar, at least! Oh good! They let him come up for the big finale.
Whoa. Black Panthers REPRESENT. (Er…I mean, Gay Panthers?)
10 minutes down…and now we’re back. And we are now hearing about a typical Idol week.
OMG. All of the contestants are BUSY. The press is CRAZY. Flash bulbs are BLINDING. (But not for Blind Guy, I would imagine.) Photo shoots are fun, but nice job in getting Hot By Default to do some little poses while talking about his sexy face. Did you hear those cheers? Yeah. Hot By Default could end up doing some serious damage in this shit show, just saying.
Mole Giraud might actually be awesome because he is the impersonator. Which means he sticks some sunglasses on and starts performing an over-the-top version of Hero at the piano. Ha ha ha. Oh, Gokey. Even Giraud thinks you’re a bit of a joke-y.
They’re using old footage since Malnourished Casper Twat is hanging around. I heard an interesting rumor the other day involving Casper…perhaps I’ll save that one for later 🙂
The Idols have a ponytailed chef. Dude. Blind Guy’s brother is seriously living the high life.
Now that I know they’re eating such delicacies as quadruple chocolate cake, this totally explains why Gokey keeps packing on the pounds.
Back on the stage, Seacrest, who seems to continuously ask very pointed questions as of late, requests that Gokey do an impression of Mole Boy. Gokey proceeds to leap from the sofa and reinact Giraud’s semi-final performance of Viva La Vida, using a terribly obnoxious goat vibrato. Holy shit. They just started making goat noises on the Idol stage.
Anoop does an impression of Hot By Default, who is seated next to Lambert. Oh, Idol producers, you soooo love Kradam, don’t you? However, La Princesa del Mariachi’s impression of Gokey is spot-on. It only could have been made better she leapt from her seat for some embarassing crotch thrusts.
But I’m still kind of stuck on the fact I heard goat noises on the Idol stage. For what will no doubt be such a heart-wrenching show, they are giving me ample opportunity to make a complete mockery. Especially when Gokey uses La Princesa’s brilliance to draw the attention back to HIMSELF and JESUS. He asks her:
How do I do my Jesus Take The Wheel?
Groan. Granted, La Princesa was incredibly BRILLIANT in her impersonation, but seriously, is this show really all about YOU, Gokey? Huh? Is it?
(Christ. 17 minutes down and we’re only now getting to the Bottom 3.)
Seacrest makes Megan, Mole Boy and Hot By Default all stand up and go to the other side of the stage. Poor Megan. Poor sweet Megan. Like we don’t know how this is all going to go down.
Now Lambert, Mediocre Rounds and La Princesa must stand and go to the center of the stage. Jesus. I should have known tonight would be the night when they pulled this shit since there are NINE contestants. The obnoxious “groups of 3” bullshit.
Oh come on, we all know one of the set groups IS NOT the Bottom 3. It will be one from each group. Idol, you suck! You are predictable and YOU SUCK!
Editing be damned. Let’s not even make it look live as David Cook “takes the stage” in a pre-taped performance done 2 weeks ago. Cook had to cancel two scheduled tour dates this week because of personal family matters, most likely to spend time with his brother who sadly, is facing the end of a 10-year battle with brain cancer.
I make fun of people who like Matchbox 20. But I do like David Cook. I can’t explain it, but I do. It’s the definition of “pop rock”, yes, but I just…I just kind of like some of the dude’s music. This is the first time I’ve heard his new song, Come Back To Me. It’s not bad. Cook still does the “lemon faces” and I hate the pin he’s wearing on his breast pocket, but oh well. As far as Idol contestants and Idol winners go, he’s one of the strongest. I sincerely hope he gets a good career going, despite the antics of his batshit crazy fans.
WHOA. Phyllis from The Office plays the viola?
Seacrest shoots the shit with Cook. Some maybe-slutty blond coeds were chosen from the audience to present him with his platinum record. This might be of minor interest had I not read about it on EW two weeks ago.
Commercial break means a preview of the Come Back To Me video, which basically involves Cook walking backwards in an airport and looking longingly at a blond chick who really needs to work on her “good acting face” because I wasn’t buying it. Homegirl looked like she ate bad sushi rather than leaving a lover.
Back to the show…Seacrest starts with Hot By Default while Tattooed Mormon Joy stands there looking nervous, awkward and beautiful. Poor girl. Seacrest skips her and goes to Mole Boy. Then he fakes out Mole Boy who is nearly to the stools when he finally points to the sofa. Oh, that Seacrest, he so mean.
I love you Simon, but I don’t really care.
I love Megan Joy. And I think I may love her even more right now. OH MY GOD MEGAN JOY RULES!!! Instead of simply taking her place on the stools, she began cawing and flying her entire way there!!! OMG MEGAN! YOU RULES!!!
As do the other contestants, who are cracking their shit up. Mediocre Rounds is safe. Duh. She might be safe, but she is still mediocre. I am glad, however, she kept the wig. She should really make that a permanent part of her performance wardrobe.
Awww…now La Princesa is sent to the stools, where she hugs Megan with glee and says,
Hey, familiar chair.
Whatevia, Idol. I would so rather sit in the stools with The Cool Chicks right now.
Obviously, Gokey is safe. He then goes to the sofa and acts like a tool before taking his seat in the front row, all by his lonesome.
OH NO! Casper Twat is sitting right behind Randy…next to STONER J! I heard he’s doing a performance on Idol Extra this week, which is a good thing, I guess, since he hasn’t really done shit since last summer’s tour except eat his stage mommy’s homemade cream cheese brownies, accept ridiculous gifts from overzealous fans and live on as an effigy-on-a-stick created to harass innocent members of the travel and hospitality industry. I really hope he’s managed to squeeze a few bong hits in there every now and again. (Hmmm…and why is Casper in town? Perhaps to get a little sumthin-sumthin she might have left at the Idol Manse? Heh heh heh…)
And big surprise. Anoop is in the Bottom 3. And now we have the most awesome Bottom 3 in the history of Idol. If you got rid of all of them tonight, this show would be left with NOTHING. It’s all I’m saying, but it’s true. It might almost be unwatchable.
Lady GaGa arrives. Of course, she is not wearing pants and she starts out at her big bubbly piano. I guess she is doing her partly “stripped down” Poker Face.
Yeah, I love this song. Love it. Now we go into electro mode. While I wouldn’t call myself a fan of Lady GaGa, I certainly think she is more original and more fun than say, Christina Aguliara. This song is my guilty pleasure anthem. I’m totally admitting it. If I was drunk enough in a bar and this song came on, I might do some impassioned chair dancing with terrible vocals. The strings were a nice touch, weren’t they? It almost sounded like some of Bear McCreary’s Battlestar Galactica work, particularly his scoring of All Along The Watchtower in the final episodes of Season 3, Crossroads Parts 1 & 2.
Frak you. I’m a dork. I don’t give a frak so shut the frak up.
Ok. Back to Idol. I hope Lambert had time to talk makeup with GaGa because I so want to see him sporting that zipper shit in the next few weeks.
Simon would only save Alison, which figures. There is a commercial. And then Alison gets sent to the sofa. But let’s look at all three of them together one last time. Sniff sniff. I love you guys!!!
Awww. The Cool Chicks hug. Megan says, don’t forget to call. Awwww….she totally knows it. She has embraced it. SHE CAWED FOR CHRISSAKE. And she is totally okay with going home. She does it with grace and dignity. People are cawing for her. Simon is a total dick. Because Megan doesn’t care, well, they won’t care to [PRETEND TO] save her.
You people are such bastards. Megan’s swan song is beautifully goofy. She doesn’t give a frak. It is exquisite. She even screws up a bit but hello? Does it matter? HELL NO.
Megan Joy, I will miss you dearly. I hope you do get a recording contract someday soon. I will buy your album. If you pose for Maxim, I will also buy a copy. You’re a beautiful, exquisite songbird of Joy, my friend. And you will be missed.
Ugh. It is breaking my heart to watch Megan sitting there in tears. Awww…La Princesa is soooo sad, too! And hello? How gracious was Megan for thanking everyone, too? And she waited until she was eliminated to pimp the whole “I-miss-my-baby” thing.
Megan Joy. Oh, how I will miss you so. While I hate saying something oh-so cliche, America, you have taken the Joy out of American Idol. Shame on you. It had such little to begin with.