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Ode To Joy, Ode to Goats: AI Top 9 Results

April 1, 2009

I already tonight is going to suck BIG TIME, even if I get to hear Poker Face, by Lady GaGa. Lady GaGa bugs me, but I frakking love Poker Face. Like, if they made some stupid scripted “reality” show on MTV about my life and work travails, Poker Face would so be the theme. Because that’s what I think they do on those shows…I mean, I’ve only watched a tiny bit of The City and they just do that kind of shit.

Anyway, I’ll wax philosophical about Poker Face later if need be, right now, I’m just going to get really, really sad because Idol is such a shit show and three of my absolute favorites will be in the Bottom 3 tonight. I know this to be true because the DialIdol does not lie.

And I will be really, really sad because I know my darling Tattooed Mormon Joy will be going home. And poor Anoop and La Princesa del Mariachi will also have their lives on the line when Mediocre Rounds, Dead Wife and Blind Guy sit on the sofa in safety. BOOOO!!! HISS!!!!! CAWWWWWWW!!!!

I also wonder what Scott MacIntyre’s hair will look like this evening. But even Blind Wolverine will not save me from the sorrow which will ensure during the next hour.

Goatlove made this because Blind Guy reminds him of Wolverine

Oh Jesus Christ, what is this opening. Seriously. WTF. Fuzzy boarders, quick turns, ignorant quips from the judges (Oh, and why hasn’t anyone called them out on what are obviously teleprompters in the judges’ table?)

Nice job, judges. Alison-Megan-Mole all sitting next to one another. Hmmm…wonder how this is gonna go down…You think they will send Alison and Megan to the stools and then make Anoop and Mole stand to sweat it out before Anoop gets sent to stand over with The Cool Chicks.

Ryan asks Kara about being heckled last night. She launches into some bullshit about her really loving the passion the audience has, blah blah blah. And she looks like a talking monkey.

Are those teleprompters on the Idol Judges' Table?

Hmmm…two screens in the judge’s table. So are these for all four or JUST Randy and Paula? Curious placement and all…

Ok. Kara DioGuardi. SHUT THE FRAK UP. You’re here to do a job and help these kids, huh? You know how you do this? YOU SHUT THE FRAK UP.

Yeah, bitch, I booed for you, too.

And what is this? What? Paula is clearly drunk but she still manages to pimp Adam. I am sad because it appears she is only wearing earrings. NOOOOOOOOOOO. Oh wait! I was wrong. Of course she would be wearing some finery from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection this evening. In fact, I would venture a guess and say that perhaps one could buy both the cubic zirconia cuff bracelet AND the matching “bra” straps.

Tonight's jewelry from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection

Awwww. I got a little sad when I saw all the kiddies sitting there on the sofa. Poor La Princessa and Tattooed Mormon Joy look as if they are about to be sent to their deaths.

FORD COMMERCIAL INANITY

I have absolutely no idea what will go on for the next 30 or so seconds but its already scaring the frak out of me. No. Really. I want to into curl up into the fetal position and sob after seeing just a few moments if this lunacy. It’s like a disfigured Stephen Colbert!

This American Idol Ford Commercial has scarred me (Part 1)

OMG. Ford. Idol. You are KILLING ME. And I swear I’ve seen this woman before. She was standing in front of me while I was waiting in line at Gates BBQ back in June 1999.

This American Idol Ford Commercial has scarred me (Part 2)

So is this how you give into Lambert’s desire to perform in drag? By making the others suffer? Poor La Princesa del Mariachi looks like Wynonna Judd! And why, oh, why does Hot By Default’s chin fuse so seamlessly into our lovely Tattooed Mormon Joy’s swan-like neck?

This American Idol Ford Commercial has scarred me (Part 3)

Oh for frak’s sake. I really, really, really want to get on with the show and stop taking photos but this shit is TOO DAMN MUCH! Apparently, Idol producers are also obsessed with Kradam (just like the nutters writing sick & twisted fan fic about the Idol Manse’s favorite roomies).

This American Idol Ford Commercial has scarred me (Part 4)

Ok. Clearly this frakkery filmed by someone who just dropped a sheet of acid.

This American Idol Ford Commercial has scarred me (Part 5)

Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster it’s over. OH SHIT. They go right from the Ford Commercial into…

GROUP SING HELL

Tonight we’ve got Don’t Stop Believin’, probably just so Randy Jackson can cream himself. Vocal tracks be damned. If La Princesa del Mariachi and Hot By Default fail to make the Top 4, this show has ZERO chance of ever convincing anyone it’s not fixed.

Oh Megan Joy. I heart you. Please don’t go. 

I heart you Megan Joy

Obviously, since all that vocal track shit came out, they’ve obviously decided to make this number heavier on the solos. Since you know, then they actually have to sing or something. Oh…poor Blind Guy. Always just stuck behind the keys. Give him a frakking keytar, at least! Oh good! They let him come up for the big finale.

Whoa. Black Panthers REPRESENT. (Er…I mean, Gay Panthers?)

Is this a new Gay Panthers movement?

10 minutes down…and now we’re back. And we are now hearing about a typical Idol week.

OMG. All of the contestants are BUSY. The press is CRAZY. Flash bulbs are BLINDING. (But not for Blind Guy, I would imagine.) Photo shoots are fun, but nice job in getting Hot By Default to do some little poses while talking about his sexy face. Did you hear those cheers? Yeah. Hot By Default could end up doing some serious damage in this shit show, just saying. 

Mole Giraud might actually be awesome because he is the impersonator. Which means he sticks some sunglasses on and starts performing an over-the-top version of Hero at the piano. Ha ha ha. Oh, Gokey. Even Giraud thinks you’re a bit of a joke-y.

Matt Giraud makes a mockery of Danny Gokey

They’re using old footage since Malnourished Casper Twat is hanging around. I heard an interesting rumor the other day involving Casper…perhaps I’ll save that one for later 🙂

The Idols have a ponytailed chef. Dude. Blind Guy’s brother is seriously living the high life. 

Ponytailed Chef cooks for MacIntyre Brothers

Now that I know they’re eating such delicacies as quadruple chocolate cake, this totally explains why Gokey keeps packing on the pounds.

Back on the stage, Seacrest, who seems to continuously ask very pointed questions as of late, requests that Gokey do an impression of Mole Boy. Gokey proceeds to leap from the sofa and reinact Giraud’s semi-final performance of Viva La Vida, using a terribly obnoxious goat vibrato. Holy shit. They just started making goat noises on the Idol stage.

American Idol has Goatlove

Anoop does an impression of Hot By Default, who is seated next to Lambert. Oh, Idol producers, you soooo love Kradam, don’t you? However, La Princesa del Mariachi’s impression of Gokey is spot-on. It only could have been made better she leapt from her seat for some embarassing crotch thrusts.

Alison Iraheta does a spot-on impression of Danny "Dead Wife" Gokey

But I’m still kind of stuck on the fact I heard goat noises on the Idol stage. For what will no doubt be such a heart-wrenching show, they are giving me ample opportunity to make a complete mockery. Especially when Gokey uses La Princesa’s brilliance to draw the attention back to HIMSELF and JESUS. He asks her:

How do I do my Jesus Take The Wheel?

Groan. Granted, La Princesa was incredibly BRILLIANT in her impersonation, but seriously, is this show really all about YOU, Gokey? Huh? Is it?

(Christ. 17 minutes down and we’re only now getting to the Bottom 3.)

Seacrest makes Megan, Mole Boy and Hot By Default all stand up and go to the other side of the stage. Poor Megan. Poor sweet Megan. Like we don’t know how this is all going to go down. 

Now Lambert, Mediocre Rounds and La Princesa must stand and go to the center of the stage. Jesus. I should have known tonight would be the night when they pulled this shit since there are NINE contestants. The obnoxious “groups of 3” bullshit.

Oh come on, we all know one of the set groups IS NOT the Bottom 3. It will be one from each group. Idol, you suck! You are predictable and YOU SUCK!

Editing be damned. Let’s not even make it look live as David Cook “takes the stage” in a pre-taped performance done 2 weeks ago. Cook had to cancel two scheduled tour dates this week because of personal family matters, most likely to spend time with his brother who sadly, is facing the end of a 10-year battle with brain cancer. 

David Cook is back on the Idol stage

I make fun of people who like Matchbox 20. But I do like David Cook. I can’t explain it, but I do. It’s the definition of “pop rock”, yes, but I just…I just kind of like some of the dude’s music. This is the first time I’ve heard his new song, Come Back To Me. It’s not bad. Cook still does the “lemon faces” and I hate the pin he’s wearing on his breast pocket, but oh well. As far as Idol contestants and Idol winners go, he’s one of the strongest. I sincerely hope he gets a good career going, despite the antics of his batshit crazy fans.

WHOA. Phyllis from The Office plays the viola?

Viola chick in Idol string section looks like Phyllis from "The Office"

Seacrest shoots the shit with Cook. Some maybe-slutty blond coeds were chosen from the audience to present him with his platinum record. This might be of minor interest had I not read about it on EW two weeks ago.

Commercial break means a preview of the Come Back To Me video, which basically involves Cook walking backwards in an airport and looking longingly at a blond chick who really needs to work on her “good acting face” because I wasn’t buying it. Homegirl looked like she ate bad sushi rather than leaving a lover.

Back to the show…Seacrest starts with Hot By Default while Tattooed Mormon Joy stands there looking nervous, awkward and beautiful. Poor girl. Seacrest skips her and goes to Mole Boy. Then he fakes out Mole Boy who is nearly to the stools when he finally points to the sofa. Oh, that Seacrest, he so mean.

I love you Simon, but I don’t really care.

I love Megan Joy. And I think I may love her even more  right now. OH MY GOD MEGAN JOY RULES!!! Instead of simply taking her place on the stools, she began cawing and flying her entire way there!!! OMG MEGAN! YOU RULES!!!

Megan Joy is the greatest Idol contestant EVER

As do the other contestants, who are cracking their shit up. Mediocre Rounds is safe. Duh. She might be safe, but she is still mediocre. I am glad, however, she kept the wig. She should really make that a permanent part of her performance wardrobe. 

Awww…now La Princesa is sent to the stools, where she hugs Megan with glee and says,

Hey, familiar chair.

Whatevia, Idol. I would so rather sit in the stools with The Cool Chicks right now. 

Obviously, Gokey is safe. He then goes to the sofa and acts like a tool before taking his seat in the front row, all by his lonesome. 

OH NO! Casper Twat is sitting right behind Randy…next to STONER J! I heard he’s doing a performance on Idol Extra this week, which is a good thing, I guess, since he hasn’t really done shit since last summer’s tour except eat his stage mommy’s homemade cream cheese brownies, accept ridiculous gifts from overzealous fans and live on as an effigy-on-a-stick created to harass innocent members of the travel and hospitality industry. I really hope he’s managed to squeeze a few bong hits in there every now and again. (Hmmm…and why is Casper in town? Perhaps to get a little sumthin-sumthin she might have left at the Idol Manse? Heh heh heh…)

Jason Castro put down the bong long enough to get free tickets to Idol

And big surprise. Anoop is in the Bottom 3. And now we have the most awesome Bottom 3 in the history of Idol. If you got rid of all of them tonight, this show would be left with NOTHING. It’s all I’m saying, but it’s true. It might almost be unwatchable. 

Lady GaGa arrives. Of course, she is not wearing pants and she starts out at her big bubbly piano. I guess she is doing her partly “stripped down” Poker Face

Yeah, I love this song. Love it. Now we go into electro mode. While I wouldn’t call myself a fan of Lady GaGa, I certainly think she is more original and more fun than say, Christina Aguliara. This song is my guilty pleasure anthem. I’m totally admitting it. If I was drunk enough in a bar and this song came on, I might do some impassioned chair dancing with terrible vocals. The strings were a nice touch, weren’t they? It almost sounded like some of Bear McCreary’s Battlestar Galactica work, particularly his scoring of All Along The Watchtower in the final episodes of Season 3, Crossroads Parts 1 & 2.

Frak you. I’m a dork. I don’t give a frak so shut the frak up.

Ok. Back to Idol. I hope Lambert had time to talk makeup with GaGa because I so want to see him sporting that zipper shit in the next few weeks.

Lady Gaga with zipper eye on American Idol

Simon would only save Alison, which figures. There is a commercial. And then Alison gets sent to the sofa. But let’s look at all three of them together one last time. Sniff sniff. I love you guys!!! 

I want to do drunken karaoke with Anoop, Megan and Alison

Awww. The Cool Chicks hug. Megan says, don’t forget to call. Awwww….she totally knows it. She has embraced it. SHE CAWED FOR CHRISSAKE. And she is totally okay with going home. She does it with grace and dignity. People are cawing for her. Simon is a total dick. Because Megan doesn’t care, well, they won’t care to [PRETEND TO] save her. 

You people are such bastards. Megan’s swan song is beautifully goofy. She doesn’t give a frak. It is exquisite. She even screws up a bit but hello? Does it matter? HELL NO. 

Megan Joy, I will miss you dearly. I hope you do get a recording contract someday soon. I will buy your album. If you pose for Maxim, I will also buy a copy. You’re a beautiful, exquisite songbird of Joy, my friend. And you will be missed.

Ugh. It is breaking my heart to watch Megan sitting there in tears. Awww…La Princesa is soooo sad, too! And hello? How gracious was Megan for thanking everyone, too? And she waited until she was eliminated to pimp the whole “I-miss-my-baby” thing. 

Megan Joy. Oh, how I will miss you so. While I hate saying something oh-so cliche, America, you have taken the Joy out of American Idol. Shame on you. It had such little to begin with.

I miss you already, Megan Joy

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30 Comments leave one →
  1. April 6, 2009 10:52 am

    Thursday I was searching for Blogs related to email topics but more specifically to email marketing software review. I found your blog and find it intersting.

  2. Dickory Dock permalink
    April 3, 2009 7:44 pm

    Oh please, PLEASE post the goods on bitchy little Casper Grace.

    Was she banging, or at least trying to bang, one of the Idol boys? She did get all up on both Kris and Anoop at different times, real friendly like.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 3, 2009 7:49 pm

      Dick Dock,

      You are correct, and incorrect. (It was neither Kris nor Anoop who fell victim to her “dirty-ing”.

      There may be a clue of sorts in the above post 🙂

      • Dickory Dock permalink
        April 3, 2009 10:01 pm

        Alrighty, then! I’m off to hunt for clues.

        I’m glad it wasn’t either Anoop or Kris. I’m sort of ashamed to admit that I like them both and the idea just .. ick.

        • TopIdol permalink
          April 3, 2009 10:55 pm

          Yeah, Dick Dock, I’m in agreement with you 🙂

          And doesn’t she have a fiance in Afghanistan or something? Tsk tsk, Casper. Not cool.

        • Dickory Dock permalink
          April 4, 2009 9:32 am

          Casper always did come off as a whore. She sure was eager to ‘dirty’ herself up and said she felt like it was, and I quote, about time.

          Well good. Anoop is too smart for her and Kris is too married. So that leaves Giraud, Gokey, Scott and Lambert.

          Not Lambert because (and I know it will totally shock his tards) he is teh gay.

          Not Scott because he’s waiting for true love, and Casper is more the convenient-glory-hole than true-love type, as far as I can tell.

          Is Giraud that desperate that’d he’d risk an std with an affianced trailer park slut?

          BUT! OMFG! If she hooked up with Goatse I would wet myself laughing. Maybe they sort of deserve eachother?

          Okay, I’m way too interested in this because it would prove my theory that she was just in the competition for the peen.

  3. April 3, 2009 12:21 am

    Dangit all, I knew they’d send Meg home. Doh! What a cool gal…maybe I’ll look her up when she gets back here. I just recently found out one of my best bud’s friend is her ex husband (did that make sense?) Anyway, she will be missed. I’ll let ya know if I can get a hold of her sometime.
    P.S.- Check this out…I made this for a class, thought you’d appreciate : )

  4. April 2, 2009 9:23 pm

    Yo topidol….Check this out dogg….I gotta give you much love……you are just bringing the flavor every week……you are just steppin up your game dogg…….a little pitch problem there in the midddle….but yo……I gotta give you mad props girl from coming correct…….just watch yo song choices…….but yo……check it out…..I gotta give it to you dude……..you just keep it fresh every week……..and yo…..check it out………I think you can sing girl……..you are one of the best of the night………keep it up…….and keep it hot……..peace

  5. April 2, 2009 2:48 pm

    What is the goat doing in there? Just kidding…

  6. April 2, 2009 2:19 pm

    Great. Now she has some time to get the other arm done too. She’ll be like a big cawing crow with matching tattooed wings.

    Oh, and did you know she has a kid that she was singing for every night? Her little bundle of singing inspiration? I wasn’t sure. I think she mentioned it a few times. Just a few.

  7. Angela permalink
    April 2, 2009 10:31 am

    “Ryan asks Kara about being heckled last night. She launches into some bullshit about her really loving the passion the audience has, blah blah blah. And she looks like a talking monkey.”

    Have you seen EW’s Idolator videos because that is what they show a monkey every time she speaks.

  8. Ema permalink
    April 2, 2009 9:41 am

    “Don’t forget to CAW!”

    Okay, exactly how sad is it when the results show is more entertaining than the actual performances?

  9. T25 permalink
    April 2, 2009 4:59 am

    Oh god … was it not a boring perfomance by David Cook?!? It sounds like thousands other bands… what a yaaaawner!!

  10. April 2, 2009 4:35 am

    HAHAHAHA Poker Face. My class did an awesome parody to it involving our hopelessly strange computer teacher. And now I am in love with it. But her performance was friggin’ trippy. (Stoner J says: “I don’t remember any LSD involved in my day today…”)
    LMAO @ PHYLLIS. OMG. WIN.
    Okay, now, okay. Megan will be fine. Remember, she’s “marketable” and “unique” and a “package artist” (I officially can’t help but giggle when I hear that after the CJ Corkrey incident). And come on, you didn’t catch her shakiness and kinda (dare I say) pitchiness sometimes? She’s not doing too well. She COULD. But she’s not. She definitely has crazy good potential.
    Anyway basically you cracked me up. I’m too tired to launch into more specifics.
    Except that picture shit was really friggin’ strange. o_O Like wtf. Ford commercials are usually strange and sometimes cheesy but that was like WHOA THERE PLEASE DON’T.
    Yeh.
    I’m still kinda in shock that I met Moley (who was so nice that I feel guilty calling him that but obviously not guilty enough to delete it so HA) and my sister kinda didn’t tell me that she met Hot By Default and Danny until they were INSIDE the Cheesecake Factory…
    And goodnight.

  11. Becky permalink
    April 2, 2009 1:50 am

    I’m definitely sad to see Megan go. 😦 She was my favorite.

  12. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    April 2, 2009 1:26 am

    Kara has a brick between the ears.

    Was Megan wasted by any chance? I’ve never seen a sober person pretend they could fly and make faces and noises like that.

    Lil should avoid wearing all white. From the front she looked like a small moon and I can’t even imagine what the back view was like.

    Every time the camera caught Bong Boi he was yawning. He’s probably still in his seat snoring.

    I want to see freaky deaky Adam in all his Zodiac Show glory performing with Lady Ga Ga. All that would be left would be a crater where the stage used to be.

  13. Goatlove permalink
    April 2, 2009 1:05 am

    BTW, since Daughtry got booted (who made me nearly a $grand), I’ve never felt so firmly about someone… Megan will blow shit up.

    Then again, I’m addicted to:
    http://www.myspace.com/asherrothmusic

    • April 2, 2009 4:40 am

      I am seriously not understanding how you saw the Big Daughtry Boot coming.
      That was the worst night of my Idol-watching life.

      • Goatlove permalink
        April 2, 2009 10:47 am

        Wow… I really shouldn’t be on this site after drinking. I wasn’t exactly clear in my post. I was a huge fan of Daughtry. I bet on him really early in the process and slowly sold off my “options” as he got more and more popular. I still had money on him when he got booted but not that much. So…. I didn’t make money on him leaving.

        And after rewatching the show this morning sober, I love Meg(h)an more than ever. I came back here just to write “Don’t forget to CAW” but someone beat me to it. Ana, how I loathe thee.

        Ok, sober observations:

        1. I finally figured out what bugs me (a little, but not enough to deny her) about Kara. She constantly looks like she’s stuck mid-shrug. Her shoulders are touching her ears.

        2. Look at the screen cap you have of my little wonder Alison in this post. She’s got massive lower teeth bling, yo. Are those grillz?

        Goatlove out.

        • TopIdol permalink
          April 2, 2009 10:52 am

          So, did you see what I was talking about with the goats then?

          Yeah, I think your little wonder has braces. I was wondering about that, though. It was the first time I noticed.

          And what was the stuff about the republican lepruechan in AK? I was a tad confused, but I love reading nonsense written by drunks because I have been guilty of it many a time.

        • Goatlove permalink
          April 2, 2009 11:02 am

          i.have.no.idea.

          I still would have preferred to see live goats on stage, but yeah, I get what you were talking about. But don’t tease me like that in the future. I even watched the commercials hoping to see goats.

          • TopIdol permalink
            April 2, 2009 11:21 am

            The lovely photo of the goats grazing in the meadow was for you.

            More drunk comments about lepruechans!

            (Yum…dinner…)

        • April 2, 2009 5:33 pm

          NONONO I wasn’t questioning your fandom, I was wondering how you could have possibly cashed in on it; I thought he was going to win from pretty early on.

          That being said: you’re a freaking lucky human being. =P

          • TopIdol permalink
            April 2, 2009 5:38 pm

            Goatlove also made several hundred dollars on Bucky Covington. He’s a smart guy.

  14. AIFan permalink
    April 2, 2009 1:01 am

    “You’re here to do a job and help these kids, huh?”
    Kara is so full of it ! Help these kids, my ass !
    Mole Boy looked totally pissed when Gokey impersonated his goat vibrato.
    Jason must have shared his stash with Megan – there is no other explanation for her bizarre behavior.
    I’ve never noticed the teleprompters before, thanks for pointing them out ! It looks like Simon and Paula are sharing one screen and the other two stooges are sharing the other one.

  15. Goatlove permalink
    April 2, 2009 1:00 am

    Too drunk to respond…. but Lady Ga Ga. Lovely…… Channel 521 has her on repeat. I’ve moved on to ASher Roth in the mean time…… Judges will still rescue someone next week. 8th pick. It’ll be the blind dude. “Sorry, we were too hard on you.” They HAVE too pull out the new power……………. Megan, I miss you already. You are my Daughtry.*

    * Whom I made a shit-ton of money betting off of. God bless you intrade.com.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 2, 2009 1:05 am

      You have such good taste in rappers.

      I expect a non-drunk response tomorrow. Dude. There were GOATS.

    • Goatlove permalink
      April 2, 2009 1:17 am

      I will officially kill a blonde, blue eyed leprechaun raised in Arkansas who genuinely thinks Bush did a decent job…… next month. Save your children… Also, you have to have visited goatlove.com …. at midnight. Yes Melinda, I’ll buy you dinner.

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