Skip to content

7 Words: Booty Size is Not Proportional to Artistry

April 7, 2009

Ah, another episode of American Idol. Before I begin, I’m going to implore all of you to vote for Anoop tonight, regardless of how he does. I really don’t feel like watching the Fox network kill off another really cool Indian dude this week.

And if the pre-credits scene tells me anything, Idol is trying to do everything in its power to kill Anoop off. It looks, OMG, they are even going so far as to put Blind Guy in the pimp spot.

Of course I could be wrong. And I really, really want to know why a cyborg is sitting in tonight’s audience.

This must be some co-promotional thing...

This must be some co-promotional thing...

Ugh. It’s BABY PHOTO NIGHT. And since we’ve already done this so many times before, let’s spice things up a bit and see baby photos of the judges!

Ugly baby. Even uglier adult.

I have sucked since infancy.

I have sucked since infancy.

Seacrest just said it looked like she made a poopy. Oh wow. Tonight is going to be a helluva night. And Percocet Paula even made a joke about Seacrest being orange! 

For reals. I have a feeling this guy is sitting there only to drum up ratings for the new episode of Fringe, because you know Fox does lame shit like this all the time. BONUS! He’s sitting by Hot By Default Fundie Boy’s not-fun wife. 

I'm guessing for "Fringe"? Or M.R.S. Allen's bodyguard?

I'm guessing for "Fringe"? Or M.R.S. Allen's bodyguard?

Oh sweet. Are they kicking off the inevitable Depimping-Of-Gokey by having him go first?

Danny Gokey
Stand By Me

Hmmm…do you get the sneaking suspicion Gokey is trying to position himself as a country artist. He’s doing Mickey Gilley’s version of Stand By Me. YAWN. Another lame ass ballad. But last week he did Rascal Flatts and this week, Mickey Gilley? Is his favorite movie Urban Cowboy?

I am craving an Activia.

I am craving an Activia.

This is pretty much dreadfully boring schlock punctuated by bizarro visual effects which appear to be red blood cells dancing behind Gokey on the giant LCD. It’s all so very, very dull. It did nothing for me. And even if it wasn’t a ballad, he still started it as a ballad, which he seems to do even when he is not doing a ballad.

The judges are creaming themselves. Cougar From Hell called him UNIQUE? BRILLIANT? The only thing close the negative is Simon’s comment that the beginning was lazy, however, by judging on the exasperated expression on Simon’s face, he’s quite tired of pimping this idiot.

I find it amusing Gokey gets compared to Taylor Hicks. You can say whatever the hell you want to about Taylor Hicks, but at least he was entertaining. He put on a show. I was actually interested to see what he was going to get up there on stage and do. Gokey just makes me want to change the channel. 

Kris Allen
All She Wants To Do Is Dance 

On their first day off, Hot By Default went to the beach and rode the ferris wheel. Which he thought would be cheesy, but it happened to be fun. The carney running the ferris wheel asked him if he was on American Idol. He replied that yes, he was on the show. The carney then told him to say hi to Adam Lambert for him and let him ride the ferris wheel again. Which leads me to believe:

  1. The Carney used to hook it up with Adam Lambert, or…
  2. The Carney is a big Kradam fan

Either option is frightening, however, Hot By Default is smart to talk about his BFF/Roomie Adam because it might just help bring him into the Final Two. Oh, he also wanted to be a taxi cab driver when he grew up.

Why am I surrounded by these loon?

Why am I surrounded by these lunatics?

Hot By Default has the guitar and has changed the arrangement of pretty terrible song, making it somewhat listenable. I mean, hell. It’s still crap. It’s The Eagles. I hate The Eagles. Actually, it’s Don Henley, but it’s the same goddamn thing. Don Henley can suck it. The guy sang Dirty Laundry, one of the stupidest songs ever written for chrissake.

The “mosh pit” also grates on me. It’s not a mosh pit. It’s a swamp of idiots.

M.R.S. Allen claps like a seal. Seriously, Hot By Default, did you really think marrying a Homecoming Queen would be much more than seal clapping, the missionary position and His & Her Aprons?

I love my husband! Clap! Clap!

I love my husband! Clap! Clap!

Jazz-Funk Homework? Jazz-Funk Homework? Are you kidding me, Cougar From Hell? Once again, Paula actually makes sense. Un-Fun wife claps like a seal once again. Simon and Lame Dawg aren’t feeling it and both call him indulgent. Jesus christ. If I have to hear indulgent and artistry one more time on this show…

Lil Rounds
What’s Love Got To Do With It 

Oh, let’s see what mediocrity this somewhat likable young-mommy-with-booty busts out tonight. Well, she’s doing Tina Turner, which will ensure the judges’ over-the-top and undeserved praise. 

I love Tina Turner. This is not Tina Turner. This is cruise ship. And I heard a couple of VERY FLAT notes in a few verses in. I can’t sing for shit. If I’m distinguishing flat notes, this really cannot be good in any way shape or form.

What is artistry?

What is artistry?

Granted, Lil Rounds can sing, however, she is BORING. All caps. BORING. 

Ok. Let’s see if Paula makes any sense. Wow. HOLY SHIT. Percocet Paula has become a frakking sage.

Paula basically tells Not-So-Lil-Ass that she looks stunning, but she really needs to step outside the box and show who she is as an artist because they already know she is a brilliant vocalist. Wow. Anytime Cougar From Hell uses a form of the word artist, I instantly start clawing at my eyes while banging my head against my coffee table in a slow but firm repetitive motion. Paula is a frakking goddess. She even called out the hollier-than-thou Rickey Minor AND called her a karaoke singer. 

Simon continues to lay into her for being unoriginal and boring. Cue cloying Paula-Simon banter. Whatevia. They’re both right. Lame Dawg Randy even tells her how much she sucks, of course, he also has to throw out Mary J. Blige’s name. Cougar From Hell starts talking. She says artist. I start clawing and leaning towards my coffee table but I am actually able to stop myself for once, just because I know Paula would kick that bitch’s ass, hands down, in the ultimate Cougar Cage Fight. 

Seacrest gives Lil a chance to make a speech about wanting another chance, being an artist, blah blah blah. At least we didn’t have to see Randy play patty-cake with her little kiddies, right?

Anoop Desai
True Colors

Interesting song choice. I have high hopes for Anoop tonight. The Tarheels won and Anoop is happy! Oh, and everyone else has been sub-par and he’s coming in mid-show, so if he’s just a bit better than the others, he will be deemed the nest of the night. Anoop even apologizes for his “arrogant” reaction to the judge’s critique last week. Come on, Anoop. You know how to play it. 

Anoop Desai: Stay another week!

Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat then do it again...

I’ve always found this song to be rather dull, in all honesty, but I think it actually gave Anoop a chance to show off his vocal prowess. It’s a solid performance with zero bombast, just good, solid singing. YES! The judges love it. Randy says he worked it out. Cougar From Twat makes a tiny point and says he gave it soul. Paula says he showed off his own true colors, of course. Simon even likes Anoop this week! He says he delivered where Not-So-Lil-Ass failed and made the song his own! He even tells him he shouldn’t have to frakking apologize to them because it goes two ways and he can be horrible right back!

I’m in heaven! Fox will not be killing off another awesome Indian dude this week! Whoo hoo! Anoop will not be going home! YAY! Let’s eat BBQ!!!

(Blind Guy and La Princesa del Mariachi are on after the break. Which means either Mole Boy or Screech will be in the pimp spot. Ok. How many times has Lambert gone last this season? Or second to last?)

Scott MacIntyre
The Search Is Over 

I love my makeover.

I am evil! YESSSSSS!


Whenever I see this guy talk, I absolutely love him. I can’t explain it, but the dude is awesomely quirky. Like he just seems like a fun, interesting guy. He’s always wanted to be a train conductor! He loves Halloween (Yay! Those super-devoted evangelicals only celebrate some bullshit called Harvest Fest so he can’t be all that bad!) and would make things all eerie around his house. He also has a couple of advanced degrees and totally makes jokes about being blind. Right now, I almost want to go buy a bong, some stuff to put in that bong, and invite him and Josh Groban over to smoke the green stuff. Because as long as I don’t have to listen to them sing schlock music at the piano, they’re pretty amusing motherfrakkers. 

Now I’m going to have to admit something here. The Search Is Over is a big guilty pleasure song of mine. I have a feeling he is going to destroy it, but…he is without the piano! This could be fun! Even if it is a hot mess, as my friend Rachel has just text me. Oh jesus christ. The arrangement of this shit. WTF? But he’s got a guitar! So do all these people kind of play guitar now, or is it just a fun prop you can bring out on stage….YES! Blind guy is playing the guitar and I can hear it! I can hear his singing, too, but it doesn’t matter, because I already knew what it was kind of going to sound like, so…

Can't you see my punk side?

Can't you see my punk side?

It is a hot mess! But it is a spectacular hot mess! Go Blind Guy Go! He’s even got his Wolverine hair in control tonight! GO BLIND GUY GO! Yes, Blind Guy, love was right before your eyes

Cougar From Hell sounds like a twat. Shut up, bitch. He got off the piano. Thank you, Paula. YES! Blind Guy has a PUNK SIDE! Yes, Paula, he does have a wonderful sense of humor! Let’s keep him one more week and send Lil home without saving her ass! Come on! You know you want to!

Blind Guy’s Brother who I think might have his own fan base lurking around the interweb at this point in the game. Plus, the dude is totally living the high life at the Idol Manse.

If he goes home, I can't live in the mansion anymore.

If he goes home, I can't live in the mansion anymore.

Simon bashes him. Whatevia. Who cares. He was a brilliant hot mess. Let’s keep him around one more week. And hello? This guy is HONEST. He says he wanted to show her versatility before he went home. Honesty. It’s something I really love in my Idol contestants.

Alison Iraheta
I Can’t Make You Love Me 

Yay! Our awesome La Princesa del Mariachi talked a lot as a child. But nooooo…please do not sing this song. I am so damn tired of hearing this song. I am especially tired of hearing this song on this show. Of course, this is the girl who actually killed it with Heart’s Alone her first week out, so…I can’t begrudge her just yet. She’s young. Oh yeah. And she can actually SING. And for singing on a stage for most of her life, she actually seems like a normal teenager! 

That was kind of meh, but I blame the song. I don’t blame La Princesa. La Princesa needs to stick around for a lot longer. Yeah, Lil Rounds, you hear me? Don’t let the door hit your not-so-Lil-ass on the way out.

Don't frak with La Princesa del Mariachi.

Don't frak with La Princesa del Mariachi.

I’m glad the judges are giving her props, however, Simon doesn’t think she’s likable enough. OH DON’T EVEN GO THERE! La Princesa del Mariachi is oh-so-likable. Lame Dawg says La Princesa reminds him of …OMG KELLY CLARKSON! But, you know, she needs to talk more and engage the public. 

YES! Cougar From Hell just sounded like an idiot. 

To take adult content, like what’s in that song, and make it youthful and young like you did today, that’s truly talent.

Nice one, DioGuardi. I know you were trying to tell her how awesome she was but basically, you just told her she was super-believable as a girl laying flat on her back for some dude who doesn’t give a frak about her. Nice job. GIRL POWER! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you’re supposed to make a song believable when you’re singing it, but…Cougar From Hell just sounded like a complete moron. As per usual.

Yeah. I know the feeling.

Yeah. I know the feeling.

(Mole Boy is next. Which means Lambert…once again…goes LAST. Hmmm…how come they haven’t shown the Cyborg again? I miss Cyborg!)

Matt Giraud
Part Time Lover 

Mole Boy’s birthday is two days after mine. Feel free to send gifts. Mole Boy played the lead angel in some play. Mole Boy is ACTUALLY SINGING Part Time Lover (guess that one bullshit spoiler was correct). Oh, I’ll just pretend he’s singing Part Time Casper…

Tonight, Mole is going for the Poor Man’s Timberlake vibe again. He’s even sporting the hat. He’s actually pretty good, plus, the selection of a soul song will surely get him into the judge’s good graces once again. I bet Caper is sitting at home watching, crying because she doesn’t get to be a part-time lover on the tour.

I wear a hat, therefore I am soulful.

I wear a hat, therefore I am soulful.

Cougar From Hell just came. Percocet Paula did, too. Why the frak do you think she cried out…?

Two Words. Standing O!

Oh, Percocet Paula, you are LOVE! You offered absolute proof to the entire viewing audience you are smarter than frakking DioGuardi. BECAUSE YOU CAN COUNT!!!!! And not only does she count masterfully, she also manages to show off that insane cubic zirconia cuff bracelet from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection!!!

Two words: Screw DioGuardi

Two words: Screw DioGuardi

(Good thing I watch Fringe. Or else I would have missed Screechy McQueen!)

Adam Lambert
Mad World 

I just loved playing dress up. Not soccer.

Brilliant. Plus, his father even basically said he was gay. So suck it, Bill O’Reilly. You’re an irrelevant douchebag who even prostitutes will turn down during a severe recession.

Scaramouche? Scaramouche? Will you do the fandango?

Scaramouche? Scaramouche? Will you do the fandango?

Excellent song choice, taking on Mad World, but the Donnie Darko version as done by Gary Jules. Ok. Lambert, I’m liking you tonight. I have a feeling you’ll shoot the original version of this song up to the iTunes Top 10, too, so please, keep control. Keep the screeching to a minimum. You’re still being totally gay and theatrical and talented, just don’t screech. I’m okay with you right now.

I think that might be Lambert’s boyfriend? Or brother? It would be cool if it were his boyfriend, because it just says Adam’s Family and the dude is even sitting next to his grandmother. Simon gives him a standing ovation and finally ends this shit show for the night.

Screw you Prop 8

Screw you Prop 8

Lambert is going to win this thing. Even if he poisons a toddler on stage.

Tomorrow night, Flo-rida and FRAKKING KELLIE PICKLER are visiting the Idol stage. We all know how much I loathe that imbecilic white trash twit. Bitch gives the Sonic Burger, prison daddies and plastic surgery a bad name.

32 Comments leave one →
  1. Lil Lulu permalink
    April 9, 2009 10:22 am

    Yeah, that’s Adam’s brother in the pic. I notice he has the same hot white light eminating from his crotch as Adam did this week, so it must be genetic. Grandma’s cute – look how proud she is.

    But, having Pickler on the results show AGAIN? W.T.F. I think this will make her the Idol with the most guest appearances on the show, if you don’t count Stan sitting in the audience.

  2. April 9, 2009 12:32 am

    Game over. Lambert wins in a walk. As they say in politics the only thing that really ends your run is waking up with either a dead girl or a live boy……or vice versa in his case

  3. M-Town permalink
    April 8, 2009 6:17 pm

    Lil Rounds needs to go and Adam Lambert completely copied Gary Jules’ rendition of Mad World; and he did it poorly. Lambert sucks ass.

    Go Gokey!

  4. David permalink
    April 8, 2009 4:01 pm

    I find your recap indulgent.

    Just kidding. I enjoy reading your recaps and I couldn’t agree more.

  5. vickyvicks0 permalink
    April 8, 2009 3:46 pm

    am I the only one who thought that adams performance was bad?…
    oh and as much I love anoop and kris… one of them is going home..

  6. nofantarding permalink
    April 8, 2009 1:19 pm

    I am sick of the fan tarding over Adam even VFTW isnt safe for me to read anymore. He is not all the great and his singing is screechy and he seems like an arrogant tool. I dont care if he’s gay or not even though he is, but i’m sick of hearing about him. I truly believe that he won’t go that far once he wins idol. He will sell a few million on his first album then fall off into obscurity.

  7. April 8, 2009 11:07 am

    I hope Anoop isn’t gone. After Kutner, I don’t think I can take it.

  8. AIFan permalink
    April 8, 2009 10:23 am

    I saw The Eagles do that song live and they were awesome ! Kris did not have enough energy to pull it off. And he has absolutely no personality when he speaks. It’s like a black hole of cuteness.

    Lil’s “dancing” was painfully awkward. I guess not all black people have rhythm. And how is she a great singer ? I sure haven’t heard it yet.

    Matt should always wear a hat. He looks so much better in it.

    The hot dude in the Adam’s family (hee) section looks just like Adam so I assume it’s his brother. And he is hot, yo !

  9. spinshack permalink
    April 8, 2009 10:23 am

    Smokin’ recap. Had to back Blind Guy, he was off the hook.

  10. Jennifer permalink
    April 8, 2009 9:58 am

    “I bet Casper is sitting at home watching, crying because she doesn’t get to be a part-time lover on the tour.”

    I totally snorted!

  11. April 8, 2009 9:42 am

    I’m so proud of you! Here’s to the 1st girl in kindergarden who showed me that Barbie was actually a cheesy slut.

  12. April 8, 2009 9:26 am

    Kara’s got a weird face. I agree that she’s somewhat unattractive, but it’s like there’s one part of her face that’s shitting the pool and ruining the fun for everyone else.

    Using my scientific method, which involves putting my thumb over parts of her face and seeing if that makes her hot, I’ve deduced that it’s probably her mouth (what a coincidence!). The bottom of her nose comes into play too, combining with the mouth to make her overall face discomforting to me.

    If she could just wear a surgical mask for the remainder of the competition, I think we’d all be better off. And she can’t talk. No talking whatsoever.

  13. Rachel_m permalink
    April 8, 2009 8:03 am

    Top Idol,

    Thank you so much for your wonderful recaps. I never have to watch the show anymore since you sum everything up so nicely.

    Go Anoop! (I managed to catch his song last night, but not the rest of the show)

  14. April 8, 2009 6:23 am

    “[Simon] even tells [Anoop] he shouldn’t have to frakking apologize to them because it goes two ways and he can be horrible right back!”

    Unless you’re Megan Joy, apparently.

    Me? Bitter?

  15. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    April 8, 2009 2:22 am

    The bald cyborg thing scared me. Why was it there? It was creepy.

    Why do the judges continue to slobber over the ghoulish widower? This is also slightly creepy and makes no sense. Gokey has zero appeal. ZERO. He’s so boring he makes Taylor Hicks look thrilling (and easy to market). I think he’s going to be tough to beat though.

    Lil had this coming for weeks now. She gives the same performance every week and they all suck. I thought the judges were going to need lightening to strike them in order to realize this but I guess not.

    Matt and Anoop gained ground and cute Kris lost a little. Scott was terrible. He needs to go.

    Did Adam get a Beatles haircut or something? He looked like Paul McCartney in his hey-day. After this one if he doesn’t beat Gokey I will cry my eyes out. The idea that someone this talented could lose to an air-humping jackass will drive me to drink.

  16. April 8, 2009 2:20 am

    Okay, girl, you were getting a little VFTW on me over there, and by that I mean seriously bitter beyond words… but then you started using praise so YAY!
    Anyway. =)
    Well yeah, I basically voted for Hot By Default for half an hour by accident. I usually vote for Adam the most. And I didn’t have time to vote for la Princesa. =( I started watching this stuff at 10:15 and squeezed in my last votes at 11. Ughhh this was a bad night for me haha.
    And um.
    Did you see Paula and Simon nuzzling during “Part Time Lover”?
    Ohhh, yes.

  17. holabola permalink
    April 8, 2009 1:32 am

    The bald guy is from the Fringe series which comes after AI.

    Love your recaps! I always look forward to seeing the Paula Abdul Collection.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 8, 2009 1:35 am

      I knew it! I knew he looked familiar. Wonder if they’ll force him to sit through the results show. Poor cyborg/genetically-altered human from Fringe.

  18. pinky permalink
    April 8, 2009 1:06 am

    My Tivo cut off Adam. Fitting, seeing that I’m sure I’d have some crappy thing to say about him. I hate that arrogant cunt. True Colors was perfect for our Indian fave. So was Bonnie Raitt. Goodbye Lil. \

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 8, 2009 1:10 am

      Dial Idol has Hot By Default sitting dead last right now. I wonder if they will save him.

  19. Iorhael permalink
    April 8, 2009 12:57 am

    Creepy bald guy reminded me of Voldemart 😉 Adam was indeed brilliant!!!

  20. shy permalink
    April 8, 2009 12:48 am

    ok 1 all of u are nuts 2 even if adam wins he aint gonna sell u know da whole um gay thing..anyway I cried when they killed kutner becuz he was a really good doctor I can tell house was pissed and hurt
    back 2 idol i love allisson she took a song made it relevent kimberly locke’s version was boring da other girls was forgettable and carries was just ok constantine’s was just way 2 sexual dats a sad song he changed da whole meaning with gestures o brother and scott m. is good but he should stick 2 his sappy christian music at least he’ll sell lol

  21. Emme permalink
    April 8, 2009 12:13 am

    Pretty sure that guy is Adam’s brother.
    Loved your recap; that’s pretty much how I saw it, ‘cept I don’t have any love for Scott – he kinda bugs me.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 8, 2009 12:16 am

      Scott is awesome. As long as you never have to hear him sing.

      • Goatlove permalink
        April 8, 2009 12:29 am

        Scott is the worst singer to ever be on VFTW and that’s saying a lot. I’m still waiting for him to sing the theme song to Greatest American Hero in a blazing shit storm of destruction, so I hope he stays.

        As for the parrot, ok, I’m not sure it’s a parrot. Definitely three separate squawks during the interview. It’s a bird of some sort. Or the Chicken Lady. Either way, very suspicious. I wouldn’t ever turn my back to her mom unless there was something reflective in front of me.

      • April 8, 2009 2:45 am

        I agree! He’s so funny, but he just can’t sing.
        We all know that if he wasn’t blind he’d be GONE by now.

  22. Goatlove permalink
    April 8, 2009 12:02 am

    Nice recap, I missed Screech because the judges yapped too long. Wahhhhh… Oh wait, I still don’t like him.

    My additional thoughts to add to what you said.

    Kara: Looked fussy as a toddler… but a little less than you grownup.
    Paula: Amazingly sober tonight.
    Kris: He had one lone dude in his mosh pit of tweens and I hope that one lone dude is ridiculed for the rest of his life for it.
    Lil: Those lil’ steps you were taking looked oh-so-stupid.
    Anoop: I love you.
    Blind Dude: Just because a train is guided by rails and lacks a steering wheel, doesn’t mean you should drive it.
    Allison: I love you, but during your parental unit interview, I could hear a parrot squawking in the background. I have two rules on people I distrust: Men with cats and women with parrots. Lose the mom.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 8, 2009 12:06 am

      Uh…I missed the parrot?? How could I let that happen? (Her sister kind of looks like that Octomom chick, too…I feel bad saying it)

      But I did totally see the lone dude in the mosh pit. I wonder if I can find his info and subsequently ridicule him.

      Oh yeah. You still owe me.

  23. April 7, 2009 11:50 pm

    heh. fox’s other awesome indian guy just died and went to obama heaven though so good for him.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 8, 2009 12:02 am

      I know! You can’t really begrudge that, can you? Pretty awesome, actually.

      I just hope he does one more Harold & Kumar 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: