7 Words: Booty Size is Not Proportional to Artistry
Ah, another episode of American Idol. Before I begin, I’m going to implore all of you to vote for Anoop tonight, regardless of how he does. I really don’t feel like watching the Fox network kill off another really cool Indian dude this week.
And if the pre-credits scene tells me anything, Idol is trying to do everything in its power to kill Anoop off. It looks, OMG, they are even going so far as to put Blind Guy in the pimp spot.
Of course I could be wrong. And I really, really want to know why a cyborg is sitting in tonight’s audience.
Ugh. It’s BABY PHOTO NIGHT. And since we’ve already done this so many times before, let’s spice things up a bit and see baby photos of the judges!
Ugly baby. Even uglier adult.
Seacrest just said it looked like she made a poopy. Oh wow. Tonight is going to be a helluva night. And Percocet Paula even made a joke about Seacrest being orange!
For reals. I have a feeling this guy is sitting there only to drum up ratings for the new episode of Fringe, because you know Fox does lame shit like this all the time. BONUS! He’s sitting by Hot By Default Fundie Boy’s not-fun wife.
Oh sweet. Are they kicking off the inevitable Depimping-Of-Gokey by having him go first?
Stand By Me
Hmmm…do you get the sneaking suspicion Gokey is trying to position himself as a country artist. He’s doing Mickey Gilley’s version of Stand By Me. YAWN. Another lame ass ballad. But last week he did Rascal Flatts and this week, Mickey Gilley? Is his favorite movie Urban Cowboy?
This is pretty much dreadfully boring schlock punctuated by bizarro visual effects which appear to be red blood cells dancing behind Gokey on the giant LCD. It’s all so very, very dull. It did nothing for me. And even if it wasn’t a ballad, he still started it as a ballad, which he seems to do even when he is not doing a ballad.
The judges are creaming themselves. Cougar From Hell called him UNIQUE? BRILLIANT? The only thing close the negative is Simon’s comment that the beginning was lazy, however, by judging on the exasperated expression on Simon’s face, he’s quite tired of pimping this idiot.
I find it amusing Gokey gets compared to Taylor Hicks. You can say whatever the hell you want to about Taylor Hicks, but at least he was entertaining. He put on a show. I was actually interested to see what he was going to get up there on stage and do. Gokey just makes me want to change the channel.
All She Wants To Do Is Dance
On their first day off, Hot By Default went to the beach and rode the ferris wheel. Which he thought would be cheesy, but it happened to be fun. The carney running the ferris wheel asked him if he was on American Idol. He replied that yes, he was on the show. The carney then told him to say hi to Adam Lambert for him and let him ride the ferris wheel again. Which leads me to believe:
- The Carney used to hook it up with Adam Lambert, or…
- The Carney is a big Kradam fan
Either option is frightening, however, Hot By Default is smart to talk about his BFF/Roomie Adam because it might just help bring him into the Final Two. Oh, he also wanted to be a taxi cab driver when he grew up.
Hot By Default has the guitar and has changed the arrangement of pretty terrible song, making it somewhat listenable. I mean, hell. It’s still crap. It’s The Eagles. I hate The Eagles. Actually, it’s Don Henley, but it’s the same goddamn thing. Don Henley can suck it. The guy sang Dirty Laundry, one of the stupidest songs ever written for chrissake.
The “mosh pit” also grates on me. It’s not a mosh pit. It’s a swamp of idiots.
M.R.S. Allen claps like a seal. Seriously, Hot By Default, did you really think marrying a Homecoming Queen would be much more than seal clapping, the missionary position and His & Her Aprons?
Jazz-Funk Homework? Jazz-Funk Homework? Are you kidding me, Cougar From Hell? Once again, Paula actually makes sense. Un-Fun wife claps like a seal once again. Simon and Lame Dawg aren’t feeling it and both call him indulgent. Jesus christ. If I have to hear indulgent and artistry one more time on this show…
What’s Love Got To Do With It
Oh, let’s see what mediocrity this somewhat likable young-mommy-with-booty busts out tonight. Well, she’s doing Tina Turner, which will ensure the judges’ over-the-top and undeserved praise.
I love Tina Turner. This is not Tina Turner. This is cruise ship. And I heard a couple of VERY FLAT notes in a few verses in. I can’t sing for shit. If I’m distinguishing flat notes, this really cannot be good in any way shape or form.
Granted, Lil Rounds can sing, however, she is BORING. All caps. BORING.
Ok. Let’s see if Paula makes any sense. Wow. HOLY SHIT. Percocet Paula has become a frakking sage.
Paula basically tells Not-So-Lil-Ass that she looks stunning, but she really needs to step outside the box and show who she is as an artist because they already know she is a brilliant vocalist. Wow. Anytime Cougar From Hell uses a form of the word artist, I instantly start clawing at my eyes while banging my head against my coffee table in a slow but firm repetitive motion. Paula is a frakking goddess. She even called out the hollier-than-thou Rickey Minor AND called her a karaoke singer.
Simon continues to lay into her for being unoriginal and boring. Cue cloying Paula-Simon banter. Whatevia. They’re both right. Lame Dawg Randy even tells her how much she sucks, of course, he also has to throw out Mary J. Blige’s name. Cougar From Hell starts talking. She says artist. I start clawing and leaning towards my coffee table but I am actually able to stop myself for once, just because I know Paula would kick that bitch’s ass, hands down, in the ultimate Cougar Cage Fight.
Seacrest gives Lil a chance to make a speech about wanting another chance, being an artist, blah blah blah. At least we didn’t have to see Randy play patty-cake with her little kiddies, right?
Interesting song choice. I have high hopes for Anoop tonight. The Tarheels won and Anoop is happy! Oh, and everyone else has been sub-par and he’s coming in mid-show, so if he’s just a bit better than the others, he will be deemed the nest of the night. Anoop even apologizes for his “arrogant” reaction to the judge’s critique last week. Come on, Anoop. You know how to play it.
I’ve always found this song to be rather dull, in all honesty, but I think it actually gave Anoop a chance to show off his vocal prowess. It’s a solid performance with zero bombast, just good, solid singing. YES! The judges love it. Randy says he worked it out. Cougar From Twat makes a tiny point and says he gave it soul. Paula says he showed off his own true colors, of course. Simon even likes Anoop this week! He says he delivered where Not-So-Lil-Ass failed and made the song his own! He even tells him he shouldn’t have to frakking apologize to them because it goes two ways and he can be horrible right back!
I’m in heaven! Fox will not be killing off another awesome Indian dude this week! Whoo hoo! Anoop will not be going home! YAY! Let’s eat BBQ!!!
(Blind Guy and La Princesa del Mariachi are on after the break. Which means either Mole Boy or Screech will be in the pimp spot. Ok. How many times has Lambert gone last this season? Or second to last?)
The Search Is Over
Whenever I see this guy talk, I absolutely love him. I can’t explain it, but the dude is awesomely quirky. Like he just seems like a fun, interesting guy. He’s always wanted to be a train conductor! He loves Halloween (Yay! Those super-devoted evangelicals only celebrate some bullshit called Harvest Fest so he can’t be all that bad!) and would make things all eerie around his house. He also has a couple of advanced degrees and totally makes jokes about being blind. Right now, I almost want to go buy a bong, some stuff to put in that bong, and invite him and Josh Groban over to smoke the green stuff. Because as long as I don’t have to listen to them sing schlock music at the piano, they’re pretty amusing motherfrakkers.
Now I’m going to have to admit something here. The Search Is Over is a big guilty pleasure song of mine. I have a feeling he is going to destroy it, but…he is without the piano! This could be fun! Even if it is a hot mess, as my friend Rachel has just text me. Oh jesus christ. The arrangement of this shit. WTF? But he’s got a guitar! So do all these people kind of play guitar now, or is it just a fun prop you can bring out on stage….YES! Blind guy is playing the guitar and I can hear it! I can hear his singing, too, but it doesn’t matter, because I already knew what it was kind of going to sound like, so…
It is a hot mess! But it is a spectacular hot mess! Go Blind Guy Go! He’s even got his Wolverine hair in control tonight! GO BLIND GUY GO! Yes, Blind Guy, love was right before your eyes.
Cougar From Hell sounds like a twat. Shut up, bitch. He got off the piano. Thank you, Paula. YES! Blind Guy has a PUNK SIDE! Yes, Paula, he does have a wonderful sense of humor! Let’s keep him one more week and send Lil home without saving her ass! Come on! You know you want to!
Blind Guy’s Brother who I think might have his own fan base lurking around the interweb at this point in the game. Plus, the dude is totally living the high life at the Idol Manse.
Simon bashes him. Whatevia. Who cares. He was a brilliant hot mess. Let’s keep him around one more week. And hello? This guy is HONEST. He says he wanted to show her versatility before he went home. Honesty. It’s something I really love in my Idol contestants.
I Can’t Make You Love Me
Yay! Our awesome La Princesa del Mariachi talked a lot as a child. But nooooo…please do not sing this song. I am so damn tired of hearing this song. I am especially tired of hearing this song on this show. Of course, this is the girl who actually killed it with Heart’s Alone her first week out, so…I can’t begrudge her just yet. She’s young. Oh yeah. And she can actually SING. And for singing on a stage for most of her life, she actually seems like a normal teenager!
That was kind of meh, but I blame the song. I don’t blame La Princesa. La Princesa needs to stick around for a lot longer. Yeah, Lil Rounds, you hear me? Don’t let the door hit your not-so-Lil-ass on the way out.
I’m glad the judges are giving her props, however, Simon doesn’t think she’s likable enough. OH DON’T EVEN GO THERE! La Princesa del Mariachi is oh-so-likable. Lame Dawg says La Princesa reminds him of …OMG KELLY CLARKSON! But, you know, she needs to talk more and engage the public.
YES! Cougar From Hell just sounded like an idiot.
To take adult content, like what’s in that song, and make it youthful and young like you did today, that’s truly talent.
Nice one, DioGuardi. I know you were trying to tell her how awesome she was but basically, you just told her she was super-believable as a girl laying flat on her back for some dude who doesn’t give a frak about her. Nice job. GIRL POWER! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you’re supposed to make a song believable when you’re singing it, but…Cougar From Hell just sounded like a complete moron. As per usual.
(Mole Boy is next. Which means Lambert…once again…goes LAST. Hmmm…how come they haven’t shown the Cyborg again? I miss Cyborg!)
Part Time Lover
Mole Boy’s birthday is two days after mine. Feel free to send gifts. Mole Boy played the lead angel in some play. Mole Boy is ACTUALLY SINGING Part Time Lover (guess that one bullshit spoiler was correct). Oh, I’ll just pretend he’s singing Part Time Casper…
Tonight, Mole is going for the Poor Man’s Timberlake vibe again. He’s even sporting the hat. He’s actually pretty good, plus, the selection of a soul song will surely get him into the judge’s good graces once again. I bet Caper is sitting at home watching, crying because she doesn’t get to be a part-time lover on the tour.
Cougar From Hell just came. Percocet Paula did, too. Why the frak do you think she cried out…?
Two Words. Standing O!
Oh, Percocet Paula, you are LOVE! You offered absolute proof to the entire viewing audience you are smarter than frakking DioGuardi. BECAUSE YOU CAN COUNT!!!!! And not only does she count masterfully, she also manages to show off that insane cubic zirconia cuff bracelet from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection!!!
(Good thing I watch Fringe. Or else I would have missed Screechy McQueen!)
I just loved playing dress up. Not soccer.
Brilliant. Plus, his father even basically said he was gay. So suck it, Bill O’Reilly. You’re an irrelevant douchebag who even prostitutes will turn down during a severe recession.
Excellent song choice, taking on Mad World, but the Donnie Darko version as done by Gary Jules. Ok. Lambert, I’m liking you tonight. I have a feeling you’ll shoot the original version of this song up to the iTunes Top 10, too, so please, keep control. Keep the screeching to a minimum. You’re still being totally gay and theatrical and talented, just don’t screech. I’m okay with you right now.
I think that might be Lambert’s boyfriend? Or brother? It would be cool if it were his boyfriend, because it just says Adam’s Family and the dude is even sitting next to his grandmother. Simon gives him a standing ovation and finally ends this shit show for the night.
Lambert is going to win this thing. Even if he poisons a toddler on stage.
Tomorrow night, Flo-rida and FRAKKING KELLIE PICKLER are visiting the Idol stage. We all know how much I loathe that imbecilic white trash twit. Bitch gives the Sonic Burger, prison daddies and plastic surgery a bad name.