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Fraking Pickler, Flo Rida, Ford and Frankie Avalon: Just Another AI Results Crap Show

April 9, 2009

Fabulous. Pickler’s on tonight.

Jesus Christ, I hate that twit. She was actually the reason I stopped watching the show after two seasons. Of course, I am obviously watching it again, but…

Seacrest’s Darth Vader joke was lame. Kara DioSucksALot said artist. And Paula is wearing fraking opera gloves. She must be taking serious shit tonight. 

WTF. FRANKIE AVALON??

Frankie Avalon: What is he doing here?

I’m actually impressed with the man’s plastic surgery. He looks almost the same as he did in Back to the Beach. I heard no collective gasp from the audience as I did when Kenny Rogers appeared a few seasons back, or when Barry Manilow pops up once a year…those guys should really be using Frankie Avalon’s doctor. (In a couple of years, the same will go for you, too, Smokey Botoxison.)

GROUP SING HELL

From the year Idol was born, Can’t Get You Outta My Head. The beginning notes are putrid. Naturally, once La Princesa del Mariachi solos thing give the illusion of looking up, however, she takes the mic over to Mole Boy who is contorting his face in such oddly frightening shapes I am thoroughly convinced he currently has a bowel obstruction of some sort.

Matt Giraud is constipated

(Lil Rounds, naturally, is trying too hard.)

Blind Guy has found his inner Wolverine once more. I’m wondering if they’ll keep him around another few weeks just to use as a promotional tie-in to the film’s opening. And I keep wondering, aren’t they missing someone? Yeah they are.

MEGANNNNNNN. CAW! CAW! CAWWWWME BACK TO UP!

I hope Screech’s club buddies give him hell for this image forevermore. 

Adam Lambert: I hope all of your friends make fun of you forever for this

Oh, poor girl. Lil Rounds is wearing a hip-grazing tank top, but I can still see her camel toe. Gokey’s dancing just gave me cooties. And OMG. Did you hear the crowd go WILD? Because it’s KRADAM!!! Although obviously, the producers are clearly indicating this is Screech’s show and that’s how it’s just going to be through the whole goddamn hellish performance. They even have him make googly eyes at La Princesa del Mariachi to up the sex symbol factor, while Hot By Fundie gets to play G-rated faux sexy times with Not-So-Lil-Ass.

Lil Rounds and Kris Allen: No they are not sleeping together

FORD COMMERCIAL HELL WITH BONUS HELL

This week, we also get to go behind the scenes at the making of an Idol Ford Commercial. Jesus christ. This is only going to go downhill from here, I can just feel it. 

Mole Boy scares the shit out of me

Please oh please oh please let Blind Guy get in the driver’s seat. Because I don’t know how much more of this I can take, do you? Even Hot By Default has had it with this nonsense.

Kris Allen wonders why Danny Gokey is here, too

OMG. Look who is the opening shot! Er, the Ringleader, perhaps?

Adam Lambert queens it up for Ford

Goddammit! Hot By Default came out of the driver’s seat. And then Mole Boy came over and helped scare the living shit out of me for the what, fifth or sixth time tonight?

Mole Boy continues to frighten me

Oh shit. It just got even scarier! NOOOOO! I have now curled up into the fetal position. Did Gokey really need to wear the top hat and the glasses?

Gokey NOOOOOOO

Poor Blind Guy and Anoop only show up towards the end. Idol, you suck.

Scott MacIntyre and Anoop Desai: On the chopping block

WTF. WTF is Randy Jackson wearing? And Cougar From Hell looks like she was dragged through a ditch on the way to the studio.

Yeah. Like Screech had no idea he was safe. You so know they’re gonna send Anoop and Kris to the stools. They’re trying to cut down on time so that twat Pickler can caterwaul for a check so she can go get more plastic surgery, plus Flo Rida is gonna be here….wait…whoa. Hot By Default is SAFE?? DialIdol?? DID YOU LIE TO US? Noooo. What if Fox kills off Anoop like they did Kutner?? NOOOOO!

Flo Rida takes the stage in an obviously pre-taped performance to sing Right Round. Ok, people. Want to laugh? Last summer was when I realized what the frak Flo-Rida meant. I looked at it and thought to myself, is he from Florida? Yeah, whatevia. Sometimes, although very rarely, of course, I can be kinda slow.

Sweet. Quasi-crotch grabbing on Idol. I love that shit.

Flo Rida on American Idol: Kind of grabs crotch

Unfortunately, since Flo Rida was taped, this means we’re going to have to see nitwit Pickler live. And Seacrest will talk to her and she will say completely insipid stuff. 

Oh this is funny, Seacrest just told Flo Rida he likes the company he keeps as the scantily-clad video chicks walk off stage. Yeah, Seacrest, that wasn’t really believable, but I commend you for trying.

Back to the show…Gokey stands up and looks like a smug prick, which is what happens every goddamn week. Christ, if Hot By Default wasn’t in the bottom 3, which I still don’t believe, please oh please say it is Not-So-Lil-Ass. Yeah, come on. That was so obvious what Seacrest was doing to Mole Boy. Of course Mole Boy was safe.

Blind Guy is led to the stools. Oh, Blind Guy. I really do think you’re funny and I am actually touched when I see your fellow contestants helping you out. But look at the couches, people…I think I am going to have my wish! Please-oh-please-oh-please. Of course, they will probably use that ridiculous save bullshit but please-oh-please-oh-please just send her Not-So-Lil-Ass to the stools for being a complete FAIL

Send Lil Rounds home

Fabulous. Not only does Simon say they will consider saving Mediocre Mommy, but Frakking Pickler is taking the stage after the break.

No. Frakking Pickler did not win the hearts of America. Christ, I loathe this twat. Granted, I will say this is the best she has looked in forever, but I’m sure she’ll stop at the doctor’s office for a little more work while she’s in Los Angeles. 

She still has limited vocals, sorry, but it’s true. I’ve heard worse songs, but she sings it and she sucks, therefore, I will always hate this song. Sorry, Fraking Pickler just has that effect on me. 

And she keeps squatting around on stage, looking as if she needs to take a piss. She also sluts it up by going over to Simon, who leers at her like a dirty old man. Yeah, but think about it, Simon, you would still be forced to engage her in some sort of conversation and come on, it’s just not even worth it when you weigh the pro with the zillion cons.

Kellie Pickler sluts it up

Sure, she’s a more skilled performer now, but she still sucks. And she has limited vocals. She also likes to touch Randy. 

Kellie Pickler sluts it up some more

Is this over yet? Please. Why is she talking? Yeah. Taylor Swift is a helluva lot more talented than you, Fraking Pickler, I doubt you did much of the writing. You could barely take down those difficult orders at the Sonic Burger back in Albamarle, North Carolina.

Crap. Not-So-Lil-Ass went back to the couches. Down to Blind Guy and Anoop. Damn you, Fox. You are sooooo anti-Indian this week, aren’t you?

Blind Guy is gone, but I am touched when Anoop sorts it out with him, probably about how he will get off the stage, maybe? Anoop rocks. As does blind guy. Blind Guy gets a standing ovation, you know, because he is blind and he has overcome so many damn challenges, right, Paula?

Blind Guy actually sounds a lot better than usual tonight. Still not great, or that good, but you know, he’s working it out, dawg. OOOOH. AWESOMELY BAD HIGH NOTE! Sweet! But jesus, I know its so wrong, I do love it when he sings a song that talks a lot about things being right before his eyes. 

Scott MacIntyre's last Idol hurrah

Oh, poor Scott. Poor Blind Guy. Ok. Now they’re totally fraking with Blind Guy. This is worse than Sarver. They’re just sooo cruel. They say two want him to stay and two want him to go. Awww…even the other kiddies want him to stick around. You know his brother wants to stay another week in the Idol Manse. Awww…poor Blind Guy. They totally frakked with him. Bastards. Blind Guy Brother is gonna be bullshit. I hope they kidnap that chef on their way out!

I may have not enjoyed his singing, but Blind Guy was sooooo much fun. I’m sad to see him go, he had more personality than most of the others. But hey, it was time, and I’m just glad this dude is going on the tour. 

Oh for chrissake. They just showed him making a basket. And then he danced. And then Paula told him how inspirational he was and seriously, don’t laugh, I was semi-moved.  

Thank flying spaghetti monster this shit is over. Megan Joy, I still miss you!

I miss you already, Megan Joy

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Dee permalink
    April 13, 2009 4:48 am

    After the most amazing and at the same time saddest results show the week before this (boohoo, Megan shouldn’t have gone), this results show was a big FAIL. Horrible group number, horrible Ford commercial, horrible contestants. Ugh. Just. Horrible. For that, horrible screaming Lil Rounds must win this competition. I’ll be voting for that big humongous ass yo.

    Oh my jeebus, I miss Megan so freaking much.

    Somebody shoot Cougar in the face. Freaking irritating.

  2. Ema permalink
    April 12, 2009 9:54 pm

    That group sing was proof for why they usually lip sync those. Gawd, that was AWFUL. As soon as I heard they were doing that song, I knew it was going to be a train wreck.

    I… actually kinda enjoyed the Ford video. And I’m beginning to think the producers like Adam/Allison as much as Kradam. LOL

  3. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    April 11, 2009 12:57 pm

    Matt badonkadonked Casper too? I thought that was Megan? He may be doing better on the show than I thought. The bad news for him is that Kara wants to bang him six ways to Sunday. I fear for him if she ever gets him alone in a room.

  4. LetsMaimDorkey permalink
    April 10, 2009 5:12 pm

    bahaha ya not so secret is right… *pictures-cough*
    o well i love it when Fox tries to straighten out the completely bent ones like Glambert
    makes for quality FAMILY entertainment 😛

  5. Jennifer permalink
    April 9, 2009 9:46 am

    Did anyone else notice that Adam sang the line “There’s a dark secret in me” during the group number? Yeah, newsflash, it’s not a secret!

  6. Goatlove permalink
    April 9, 2009 1:16 am

    I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t *praying* that he was saved tonight. I was going to do some sort of nah-nah-nah-told-you-so dance because I think like a month ago I said the judges would (passionately) rescue him in the 8 finalist night…

    But alas, I was wrong and have lost all my mojo.

    And worse, you win:

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 9, 2009 10:41 am

      What do I win? 🙂

      Wow. I MUST be psychic. And your attention to detail is impeccable. I think this deserves its own post.

  7. Sarah permalink
    April 9, 2009 12:24 am

    Finally…now all we need to do is get rid of Lil and the Gokey and we’ll be in business! (Yes, for as much flak as you give him, I do have a soft spot in my heart for Mole– he just looks too much like JT…however I am shocked and appalled about the Casper nonsense. He should have had higher standards.)

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