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Oh crap. I am tipsy and here is my Top 7 Results Show Recap

April 16, 2009

The producers were doing something with fiery graphics. I am drunk. It frightened me. But not as much as seeing Kara Cougar From Hell DioGuardi clap like a goddamn seal.

Jennifer Hudson is here. SWEET. And this is actually a big night for Idol, since they always love a “shocker” with the Top 7 And there is also the bullshit judges save.

Whatevia. I am a bit tipsy, so let’s see how much of this I can get through…

Ok. Ford Bullshit. Let’s take some photos. Mole boy looks confused. Because his Mole cannot get a driver’s license perhaps?

The Mole drives a Mustang

Oh christ. Just remembered the Petron shot I took. Ugh.

Why is the Mole driving? They are now allowing these yahoos to drive only since Blind Guy is gone. You people suck.

That was the dumbest commercial EVER.

Let’s hurry this shit up. TopIdol is TIPSY and has to work tomorrow. Oh, please oh please oh please oh please no. YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT SINGING MANIAC.

Cougar From Hell is so hard up, even Paula is forced to hide under the table. Seriously, I could get more action than this twit if I went across the back of my alley to the gay men’s leather bar.

Paula hides from Kara

La Princesa has such an awesome voice. She really needs to start bringing it.

Did you eat paint chips when you were little?

Sorry. That’s just what this song made me think of, my bad.

Wow. They are so trying to prove they do not lip sync. Oh for chrissake, Lambert, quit the screeching!

Kradam sings with Lil in the background

Ok. Let’s get going. I totally need to go to bed.

Oh, La Princesa. I love you. You poor thing, forced to see a Zac Efron movie.

Allison Iraheta has magenta hair that spikes

Yo, Efron, you already have douchebag eyes, why do you feel the need to style your hair as such?

Zac Efron has douchebag eyes and hair

Ok. This was just too funny. You know Gokey is one of those people who won’t shut up during movies, too.

I bet Danny Gokey always talks through movies, which is why Anoop Desai wants him to shut it

I used to have a semi-crush on Matthew Perry. In 1997…Oh shit! Thomas Lennon is in this shit. That’s Lieutenant Jim Dangle to you.

Lambert said he loved the Cheerleaders. Yeah dude, you are sooooo straight.

American Idols go watch 17 Again or something like that

Wow. Lil still wears her wig, disses on Gokey, and Zac Efron still looks like a complete tool. (He was kind of funny on last week’s SNL, though. Sure he’s a nice kid, but it still doesn’t change the fact he looks like a douchebag tool.)

Zac Efron always looks like a tool

La Princesa is safe. She better bring it next week, all I’m saying.

Oh jesus, do we even have to go through the Lambert bullshit? Like he’s not safe? He loves the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Obviously.

Come on, Anoop. Come on come on come on. You and your bushy eyebrows and your American Eagle attire and your Masters Degree. Come on, Anoop, come on!

Oh frak. Bottom 3.

Yeah, Jennifer Hudson. You losers think you have anything on this chick? Seriously? HA. Delusional! None of you will EVER be Jennifer Hudson. (I wish a lot of shit tabloids would stop calling her J-Hud. Quit that shit. It’s not 2002 and she’s 50 million times more talented than Lopez could ever be.)

Jennifer Hudson Rules

I LOVE JENNIFER HUDSON. Just saying. How cool is she? Even pretaped, she rules.

Paula says Anoop is magical. I do love me some Anoop at times, but come on. MAGICAL? Few things in life are magical, okay? Jesus Christ, I need those Paula pills.

Ok. I love that Simon and Paula just told Hot By Default he was BRILLIANT. Yeah No more 2-person judging shit next week, ok?

OH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Hot By Default gets to sit back down! ON THE SOFA!!!

Anoop…Mole  Boy…Not So Lil Ass

Oh, shut the frak up, DioGuardi. Anoop soooooooooooooooooooooooooo does not deserve to be there. As much as I adore La Princesa, she actually deserves to be there more than Anoop.

YAY YAY YAY!!! ANOOP IS SAFE!!! Basically, I really don’t care about this evening anymore since Lil and Mole Boy are in the bottom 2 and Hot By Default and Anoop are SAFE SAFE SAFE.

A Well-Deserved Bottom 2: Matt Giraud and Lil Rounds

Oh love it. How fake is this shit? Yeah, DioGuardi. Paula will always be better than you. You can’t even buy cleavage as good as Ms. Abdul’s (Duh. Because no respectable doctor would want to see you naked) so don’t even think about it, you condescending idiot.

Kara DioGuardi and Paula Abdul FAKE IT

I can feel the fake tonight, can’t you?

Miley Cyrus. I know I should hate you, but for some reason I don’t totally despise you. However, I am wondering why you needed such an obnoxious smoke machine in this economy.

Miley Cyrus doesn't move me one way or another

Oh yeah. This is for my mother. She has never read this blog before now. I only gave her the URL because she thought that Simon is really cute after seeing the Susan Boyle video on Yahoo! this weekend. Yeah, see, my Mom’s homepage is Yahoo! and she has never watched American Idol because  that Clay Aiken really gave her the heebie geebies.

A photo of Simon Cowell for my dear mother

So now she gets to see what I do sometimes…in my spare time. (I’m sure she will be happy I’m gainfully employed when she actually reads this tripe.)

Getting tired…wants creamy chicken ramen…

Ok, Mole Boy has to sing for his life. Unfortunately, Lil will be tormenting us during Disco Week (Please oh please oh please oh say she bombs Last Dance).

The Mole Boy sings for his life

His song still sucks. And Paula and Cougar From Hell manage to act like complete, uh, obnoxious cougars.

Kara DioGuardi and Paula Abdul continue to fake it

OMG. The treat her right part made me want to die. You heard it, too. And you so also thought gouging your ear drums out! You know it!

Guess it does not matter what these women hear.

I Love Mole Boy sign in AI audience

And when he ended the song, well, it sounded like puppies dying. Sad. I do not want to hear puppies dying!

Jesus Christ. You people are sooo ridiculous. Faking it even more with each passing week. It’s like a goddamn Norman Rockwell, isn’t it?

Today's Norman Rockwell image

OH MY GOD. No way.

Nice job, people. Wasted the save on Mole Boy!  Now Gokey or Lambert just HAVE TO end up in the Bottom 3 next week.

Yeah, you guys only used that shit because Cougar From Hell needed to be preoccupied with something. Here’s to maybe oh, one or two max, more Molegasms.

Matt Giraud's Giant Forehead Mole Up Close & Personal

Touch it. Feel it. Love it. You cannot take your eyes of the Mole.

THE MOLE HAS BEEN SAVED!

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. Usual Lurker permalink
    April 21, 2009 1:22 pm

    Hey, I love your blog and I just wanted to say that you have some sort of freaky precognition (or your really good at predicting this rigged show). First there was the Kris thing, and I was reading your recap of the top 36 week 2 and you said that:

    “Matt Giraud is the new Michael Johns. I predict a surprise seventh place boot.”

    Which would have happened if it weren’t for those meddling judges.

  2. Bluewave permalink
    April 18, 2009 2:47 pm

    Mole boy sure has the fat fraus on him. See “I Love Matt” poster and who’s holding it. She’s much uglier than Cook and Jestro frau.

  3. Dee permalink
    April 16, 2009 10:01 pm

    I kinda had a feeling that they’ll use the save come Top 7 but I didn’t think that they’ll use it on the Mole. frak it. frak u judges.

    Oh btw, did you watch Megan Joy on Idol Tonight?

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 16, 2009 10:27 pm

      No! Is that the show with Caldwell and Guarini? On the TV Guide channel or something?

  4. LetsMaimDorkey permalink
    April 16, 2009 8:41 pm

    i fucking despise Mole Boy now… i disliked him intensely before, mainly because he looks like a tool and a HOMELESS man’s Timberlake (JT’s the shit and you all know it) but now i’m just……
    GAAAAAAAAAAAH WHY OH WHY???!!!!
    that is all.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 16, 2009 9:03 pm

      You want me to post THE MOLE again, don’t you? Perhaps I should make a wallpaper of it and offer it as a download?

      • LetsMaimDorkey permalink
        April 16, 2009 11:42 pm

        oh yes please!
        can’t get me enough of that moooooollllleee….
        i just grossed myself out there 😐

  5. Jennifer permalink
    April 16, 2009 8:17 pm

    I fucking LOVE that you capped a closeup of his mole! That is priceless!

    And yes, Jennifer Hudson is the motherfucking bomb. I adore her.

  6. Deez permalink
    April 16, 2009 7:52 pm

    breathe…breathe…I’m OK now, I was scrolling slowly down the page,”lol”ing my ass off and that last pic just kinda “jumped” off the screen at me!I recoiled in HORROR!!!You owe me a bottle of Dasani.

  7. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    April 16, 2009 7:17 pm

    Holey moley!! Is Mole Man The Chosen One?

    Did anyone else notice that even before the save was utilized last night Mole Man was the star of the show? The pimpmercial and group song seemed to be tailored to give Matt and his mole maximum face time.

    This is hardly the first time the show has attempted to foist Mole Man on it’s viewers. He has been heavily pimped to say the least and this is not even the first time he has been saved by the judges since he was a Wildcard pick. Since none of these attempts have been even remotely successful is this a last-ditch desperate effort to push Matt and his mole to stardom?

    OTOH, maybe they felt last night was the last chance to use their shiny new toy. I guess it had to be used but they are skirting the edge of disaster and if one of their favorites goes out in next week’s double elimination I will laugh and commend them for spectacularly shooting themselves in the foot. I suspect a fleet of depimping buses will be headed straight for Lil and Anoop.

    I suppose Mole Man could be a compromise TCO. He is slightly more interesting and less married than Kris. He is more likeable than Danny although that isn’t saying much. He is much safer than Screech not to mention less gay (although you never know). I wonder if 19 will have that mole removed or go with it. After all, Cindy Crawford did okay with her mole.

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