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In Hell, Everyone Dances To Gokeyoke. In Heaven, Angels Get Down To Allison and Kris

April 21, 2009

Ah yes, Seacrest, Idol History was made. Saving Matt Giraud and The Mole will be in high school text books by 2011.

Although I do find it appropriate he opened the show standing in front of flames.

If Screech or Gokey even get the pimp spot tonight, I will scream. Anoop deserves that shit, sorry.

Wow. Lil Rounds and her endless array of wigs.

Lil Rounds
I’m Every Woman

Okay Lil Rounds, you’re singing Chaka Kahn’s I’m Every Woman. Frak this whole voting thing. I think we should stop you midway through and send your rotund ass home right this very second. For someone who is told time and time again they have zero originality (er, I mean artistry) you never cease to amaze me with your song selections, which become more and more tired with each passing week. If I was judging you on good wigs, maybe you wouldn’t suck as much, but I’m not scouting for models for the Raquel Welch Signature Collection now, am I?

You fraking suck, Lil Rounds. I’m sure you’re a very nice person, but you’re one of the most inspired pieces of shit singers/artists this side of Coretta Scott Mercado.

Lil Rounds sucks it up again

(Oh. One more thing. I hate this song and Chaka Kahn is a Scientologist.) Could your performance be a bigger pile of shit? Even people in the audience look pained why clapping. Your song sucks and you have major camel toe. But God Bless Paula and her sweet little Percocet-coated heart. She gets up and dances and claps with all her Paula might.

You definitely can sing…oh Randy, shut up. Even when you’re right it doesn’t even matter because you’re a complete hack and people pay about as much attention to what you say as they do the drunk bum sitting next to them on the subway.

I wasn’t waiting for Lil to sing Chaka Kahn, were you? Kara, you’re such a lame-ass twat. You’re even falling back on Paula’s but you look great line. But once again, Paula plays the sweetheart and talks about how she was with Lil all day yesterday while she was on complete vocal rest. Which makes me wonder what it would be like to be mute and have Paula sitting beside you for about 5 hours, babbling on and on. And I sort of think it might be awesome with the right pills. Come on! It would be more entertaining than any sitcom on say, CBS.

Simon starts to talk and Not-So-Lil-Ass interrupts, saying how much fun she had, because she’s not delusional and she knows she’s done for this world. Of course, Lil is PISSED. SHE IS NOT KARAOKE. AMERICA YOU BETTER VOTE!!!

Okay. So Anoop is not going next. Hot By Default will be following that boring shit-show-in-spandex.

Kris Allen
She Works Hard For The Money

Hot By Default actually picked this song. He says it tells a story about…a woman. Oh just say it, Hot By Default, its about a HOOKER. Although I still do not consider this disco, as it is early 1980s, but I love the fact Hot By Default Fundie Boy is singing about a prostitute without wanting to save her.

But guess what? He completely revamped this song into something uh, almost cool. I actually want to hear the studio version of this because yeah, I’m actually curious. And that’s the first time I’ve been curious all season.

Kris Allen is still underrated b/c people suck

Hello? KILLER ENDING. How the frak are people creaming themselves over Gokey when this guy is on the show? Really. Could someone PLEASE answer this question for me, because that was one of the more interesting takes I’ve seen on a song this season.

And Hot By Default’s Family & Friends rule. Except for the lame-ass wife who I swear keeps wearing baby doll dresses to create the illusion of being knocked up. Christ she looks so dull, sorry Hot By Default, you’re 23, dude. You really should have waited because you’re still a kid. I think your big & tall buddy even agrees with me because he’s about to knock her sourpuss face out with his meaty elbow.

Why does Kris Allen's wife always look like a sourpuss?

And let’s start with Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi, who is actually going to blow sunshine up his ass more so than usual, however, just like Randy, no one gives a rat’s ass what she says.

Kara DioGuardi: Always with an open mouth

Paula compares to Santana, which makes me like it a little less for a moment, but then she busts out some exquisite Paula teleprompter wisdom which is equal parts daffy and coherent.

A lot of women are known to shop in the men’s department, but there aren’t…many men who are willing to shop in the womens. But you shopped and found a perfect fit.

Even Simon is charmed and then Paula insinuates Simon shops in the women’s department and buys La Perla. Yay for that rum in her Diet Coke! Simon rocks tonight because he totally uses his glowing review of Hot By Default to diss some more on Lil Rounds.

More Paula and Simon nonsense

But the best part was when they were about to go on because you know, Simon spoke, and then Randy had to raise his hand.

Hey, I enjoyed it. The little (not Lil) things in life make me smile.

Danny Gokey
September

And Hell begins, signaled by an obnoxiously shrill whoop. This song choice is as tired as Lil’s, and he’s dancing. Gokey dancing is never ever good. While it appears as if he may have dropped a few pounds, or found a suitable black ensemble that’s slimming, and received a better haircut, I do not see how this is not also karaoke.

Danny Gokey personifies karaoke. A not-so-terrible voice paired with zero imagination and originality. Those are the people who go to the karaoke night at a nearby bar every week to get up there and so their song. The song they love and have to sing every week. In college I knew a girl who did this, and every Wednesday one semester, we had to go with her to that bar so she could sing Passionate Kisses. Granted, it helped our fake IDs worked because I couldn’t listen to that shit on a weekly basis sober. She didn’t have a terrible voice, she just sucked because there was no passion or creativity behind that voice, er song choice. But we were what? 19? So that’s kind of an excuse. We were 19. Not 29.

And that’s Danny Gokey. Danny Karaoke. Gokeyoke.

Oh for chrissake. Randy blows smoke up his holy ass. Shit-For-Brains-DioGuardi tells him what an amazing vocalist he is and how he has such incredible pitch. And then Paula, who obviously just finished her entire cup of what must be straight-up Captain Morgan because I have no idea what she heard, tells him he has one of the sexiest voices ever. To which the viewing audience is treated to this indeliable image which will haunt them later on in tonight’s dreams.

Danny Gokey: Don't Ever Make This Face Again

Sure, this guy’s voice is decent. But he has zero originality. And seriously Idol, how much money you gonna make off a guy who is going to sing Jesus karaoke? Think about it. Simon points out he had no star quality, which is absolutely correct. And then Paula proclaims she is still seeing him in the finals, and all I can wonder is how a pelvic-thrusting douchebag made them forget about the totally original dude who went right before him.

Allison Iraheta
Hot Stuff

Whoa. La Princesa del Mariachi’s beginning is ON FIRE. She’s even wearing head-to-toe pleather. And OMG, the song is slowed down and christ don’t make me say it, bluesy. She’s turned this lame-ass disco song into something a bit dark and almost dangerous. Like, don’t frak with this chick. La Princesa del Mariachi will stomp all over your ass if you frak with her.

Randy proves he’s a fraking imbecile because he hated the arrangement. But you know, she can really sing.

Ok. And now I’m going to do what I promised I would not do all season. So give me this one time to do it and I will never say it again. Jesus Christ, this kid is 16. But I’m not gonna go on and on about OMG SHE IS 16. No, its more that quite often during her performances, she is invested in the song, you do not even think about age. And she often sounds like she actually knows what she’s singing about (But I still hated her I Can’t Make You Love Me but that song just needs to be dead and buried), been there, lived it, et al. It’s more believable than any performance of Archuleta’s from last year, in terms of connecting with the material. But whenever she is not singing, she goes back to being some goofy kid. (Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me for fantarding for a moment. But I like this kid, I really do.)

La Princesa del Mariachi is a magenta goddess

And besides her insane voice, that’s what I dig about this chick. (Oh, and she totally CAWED for our beautiful & awesome Megan Joy.)

Kara agrees with Randy about the arrangement, but then tries to look intelligent about how Hot Stuff won a Grammy. Bitch is just trying to make up for the fact she didn’t know Falling Slowly won an Oscar. Paula is reciting Paula’s Daily Wisdom off the teleprompter again and I tune her out to type. I can get that same shit by walking through one of those Successories stores. Simon says she is brilliant.

Oh, and I liked that arrangement better than the original, so suck it, Shit-For-Brains and Lame Dawg. You people are like hemroids.

Most random scene of the night thus far:

Most random scene of the night

Adam Lambert
If I Can’t Have You

He wants to connect emotionally to a song, meaning, this is another shoutout to being gay although he is in a slick suit because he knows that gets him mega-creaming. I wish the dude would stop wearing so much goddamn makeup because he looks like a wax figure, although I know he is totally angling to be part of Mac Cosmetics’ Viva Glam campaign in 2010.

Paula is clearly creaming herself about 20 seconds in, of course, she manages to also show off glorious new designs from the PAULA ABDUL JEWELRY COLLECTION!

Paula Abdul creams herself for Adam Lambert

Let me share a secret, I have actually always loved this fraking song. And while Screech’s faux-emoting grates on me, I will say this is one of his best peformances.

But that really doesn’t matter, nor does the bullshit coming out of the judges’ mouth. Randy recycles the same shit verbatim as I’ve heard in every other episode of this shit show I’ve ever seen and then, unfortunately, it’s Shit-For-Brains’ turn to talk and I try tuning her out until I realize she manages to one-up her idiotic comments every goddamn week. It’s incredible.

You look like the guy from Saturday Night Live meets Clark Kent.

HOLY FRAKING SHIT. This woman is one of the dumbest twats I have ever seen! Two words? Studio 57? Saturday Night Live? I had no idea what the bitch meant at first and I was wraking my brain (for all of 5 seconds) for appropriate Saturday Night Live characters. Mango? No. Not on this show. The Ladies’ Man? Ha. One half of the Blues Brothers? Too thin. OH WAIT. She’s a fraking idiot. SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER DUMB ASS.

I never question my visceral response when I see you perform.

Oh, Paula. You’re sooooo Paula. And no one can take that away from you.

Simon says he did something they weren’t expecting. Oh come now, even Randy picked up on his obvious pattern of fast-slow-fast-slow-blah-blah-blah. And then I realize how Screech is channeling Eddie Munster more so than usual this evening.

Adam Lambert looks like Eddie Munster tonight

Paula is still having Screechgasms, either that or the lead / unknown synthetic material from her Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection ring has finally seeped through every ounce of her bloodstream at this very moment.

Paula Abdul is still creaming herself over Adam Lambert

You know something? I am actually somewhat entertained by tonight’s shit show festivities. Nice job.

Seacrest even notices Paula can barely contain herself. Commerical break! Poor the lady another drink or give her a fraking transfusion. We still got two more contestants and a Mars-controlling Mole. The night ain’t over yet, sweetheart.

(Although I am pleased Anoop finally got the pimp spot. Let’s hope he uses it to advantage and gets a little original. If he brings it, I’ll even buy the bastard a pulled pork sandwich.)

Matt Giraud
Stayin’ Alive

The Mole is going undercover tonight. Sometimes The Mole is like, no, no, Quatto does not want to see the lights or Shit-For-Brains’ face. Tonight Matt, we hide the Quatto. Quatto is not in the mood. Quatto will only come out for the Results show if Mary, my favorite three-breasted hooker comes over to the Idol Manse tonight.

Matt Giraud's Quatto Mole wants a three-breasted hooker

Oh, Mole Boy. I am gonna give you some props, though. You dance circles around that Gokey. This is a servicable rendition, a bit different from the original, perhaps, but nothing mindblowing  and I cannot shake the feeling of this dude being a poor man’s Timberlake, but I think it would be a shame to see him go home after being saved, in a way. He busts out the falsetto whenever he can, but a lot of it seems rushed, which I think is part of the arrangement. But it’s definitely not bad. Not in the least.

Mole Boy's Mole is undercover tonight

It’s not original-original, but its passable. And I enjoyed the way he played off the backup singers.

You can really sing, dude.

Oh shut the frak up, Randy. Can’t they upgrade your chip with new vocabulary?

You know what, you brought disco back.

Oh Mole Boy, just get nasty with Shit-For-Brains so she shuts up. I can’t bear to hear yet another Molegasm.

You pick songs like I bowl. Sometimes you get gutter balls and sometimes you get strikes. And this was a strike.

Paula is really working overtime “writing” that Paula’s Wisdom-A-Day Calendar. Although it totally makes me think of that other classic, sometimes you’re the bug, sometimes you’re the windshield.

Simon breaks it down by stating the obvious, that it’s not servicable outside of Idol World. And I agree, it is not, however, this one again begs the question:

How the frak is Gokey relevant outside of this Idol World?

Anoop Desai
Dim All The Lights

Ok, Anoop, I adore you, but please NOT ANOTHER BALLAD. Anoop went to the stylist this week, too, as he’s busting a new hairstyle and some facial scruff. As we know, a Grammy-winner arranged this shit. So what did this dude win a Grammy for?

This isn’t a ballad but it is. It is a ballad but it isn’t.

Goddamnit, Anoop. You needed to bust it out of the fraking park and I just don’t know if that cut it. I’m glad you went last because that could be your only saving grace. But to borrow a line from Paula, you look great.

But dude, you can sing also.

Oooh, Randy. You added some new words, however, also does not count. Kara also tells him how great he is.

Real men know how to wear pink.

Paula is on fire tonight!

I will buy Anoop a pulled pork sandwich

The judges, overall, are positive. Of course…until Simon. Simon says he was mediocre at best. But you knew this was coming. Sure, it wasn’t great. But Anoop is a decent singer and I think he could be a very interesting singer, perhaps, but frankly, I don’t worry about him because the guy’s educated. He’s not gonna be street hustling if he doesn’t make it as a singer. (I’m looking at you, Trailer Park Casper!) The guy’s got a Plan B. I like people with Plan Bs. Plan Bs are smart.

Yes, Simon hates Anoop. We get it. He hates Anoop and Lil. And as much as I do sometimes actually like Simon Cowell, I totally want him to deal with Anoop for yet another week because his hatred for all things Anoop is grating on me. Although, I am the first to admit he is spot on when it comes to hating on Not-So-Lil-Ass.

In order to ensure Anoop goes home this week, despite having the pimp spot, Simon tells him it his worst performance to date.

Wow. Did the show like, OMG, stick to its running time?

And while I don’t usually do this, I’m gonna rank this shit tonight. Er, I’ll try to. Ranking Idol contestants is often difficult for me, can’t explain it. So I’ll try my best. I base my bullshit rankings on several factors, namely originality, tone, and oh, if I can stomach these people or not.

  1. Hot By Default
  2. La Princesa del Mariachi
  3. Screech McQueen
  4. Mole Boy (But let’s hope Quatto was pleased! Quatto sometimes gets ANGRY and causes HEADACHES!) / Anoop
  5. Gokeyoke / Not-So-Lil-Ass

So dear readers, if you’re considering voting this evening, let me leave you with one final image which tells you all you need to know.

Gokey gets even more cheesy

Break his fraking heart.

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38 Comments leave one →
  1. May 9, 2009 9:36 pm

    try this is good

  2. Deez permalink
    April 22, 2009 10:59 pm

    I’m confused…what was this “big surprise” thing that was supposed to happen tonight?

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 22, 2009 11:01 pm

      I think it was that Faith Builders did, in fact, raise the dead. And she performed first in the All-Star Disco Medley.

      • Deez permalink
        April 22, 2009 11:50 pm

        Lol!!! And Thelma Houston’s dress OMG…those poor people in the first row!!!

  3. LetsMaimDorkey permalink
    April 22, 2009 8:49 pm

    OMG how did u catch that insane (yet sadly predictable) Kara slip up???! u must have crazy skills…but… i usually don’t bother paying attention to her “critiques” anymore 😛
    she is such a sad sad lady. how can she work in the entertainment industry and mix up a comedy show (fucking SNL!) with a John Travolta movie from the 70s is beyond me…

  4. bec permalink
    April 22, 2009 7:08 pm

    Thanks, Joel. Appreciated. I don’t see how Danny was acting like an arsehole.

  5. Joel permalink
    April 22, 2009 6:17 pm

    And that would make you one of the jocks.

    • she_is_so_random permalink
      April 22, 2009 8:07 pm

      And that would make you what, Joel?

      • Joel permalink
        April 22, 2009 9:49 pm

        Someone who regrets being an asshole to other people who never deserved it.

  6. she_is_so_random permalink
    April 22, 2009 5:53 pm

    Hammy Hokey brought all the “hate” on himself. End of story. (In other words, if you don’t want people to think you’re an asshole, don’t act like one.)

  7. Joel permalink
    April 22, 2009 5:22 pm

    The Gokey hate thing is getting old and unoriginal. If people can’t feel sorry he lost his wife, they will surely start to feel a sense of emotion at all the undeserved shit he has been given before it’s time to say farewell. Gokey is the geek everyone made fun of in high school… Kris is the prom king and Adam is his queen.

  8. bec permalink
    April 22, 2009 4:44 pm

    I enjoy reading your reviews A LOT but I have to say I’m a Danny fan. Maybe being in Australia, we don’t get to see as much of the publicity as you get, but from what I see, I think he’s amazing. I never see him make reference to his dead wife, only maybe in Hollywood week, so I’m not sure why everyone keeps bringing that up. But in saying that, people do say I’m a bit slow, so that could be it….
    Thanks for the entertaining writeup 🙂

  9. grenther permalink
    April 22, 2009 4:34 pm

    I so did not see terrorist. Actually, my first thought was that he was totally trying to look like Kayne West.

    I think he looked like Ray Romano. LOL

    anyone else?

  10. Mr. Antichrist permalink
    April 22, 2009 3:42 pm

    Okay, what about Gokey doing the Lenscrafters’ heart thing? Bet he’s being to pimp that.

    I mean, now that his wife is dead.

    Guy’s got to earn a living.

  11. AIFan permalink
    April 22, 2009 2:38 pm

    Does not he sing the same song every week ? They all blend together for me.

  12. Maree permalink
    April 22, 2009 1:21 pm

    Was I the only person who liked Ain’t No Sunshine better than SWHFTM?

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 22, 2009 1:35 pm

      Nah, I think I did, too.

      I have no idea if I would buy this guy’s album if it came out but on the show, he’s actually tried to mix things up. And this is refreshing in a sea of Gokeyokes and Lil Rounds.

      • Maree permalink
        April 22, 2009 2:44 pm

        I like him, but I liked Castro and Brooke better, methinks.

        • April 23, 2009 9:06 am

          total and utter agreement. but kris is the only one i’m watching for anymore. and as annoying and whiny megan joy was, anyone else notice how boring it has been since the top 9?

  13. AIFan permalink
    April 22, 2009 11:57 am

    UnitsGal, that was exactly my thought – hey, Anoop looks like an Arab terrorist ! Or a NYC cab driver – same thing.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 22, 2009 12:01 pm

      I so did not see terrorist. Actually, my first thought was that he was totally trying to look like Kayne West.

    • Maree permalink
      April 22, 2009 12:31 pm

      I did not know they favoured baby pink sweaters.

  14. April 22, 2009 9:24 am

    FOX News Channel is reporting this morning that Gokey was so terrible last night that his wife got kicked out of Heaven and into Purgatory. True story. We know this because FOX News has a direct line to the Almighty, installed by Roger Ailes at the behest of Karl Rove and former President Bush.

    Can I still go to hell if science has already proven it doesn’t exist? The mind boggles.

    Please direct your contradictory religious hate at me accordingly. Thanks!

  15. UnitsGal permalink
    April 22, 2009 9:11 am

    I can’t believe you didn’t make mention of special guest Vince Neil in the audience. That might have been the highlight for me. =)

    I agree with your rankings, except I’ll trade you one Gokeyoke for MoleBoy. I think Matt and Lil are going home tonight. Actually probably Anoop will but only because the scruff made him look like a terrorist… OH COME ON you know you were thinking it.

  16. Kovacs permalink
    April 22, 2009 8:37 am

    Hey, I recognized HBD’s friend in the audience. Hmm..bromance. Wish the black dude in the bromance pics would show up too.

  17. April 22, 2009 8:31 am

    Sooooo, you gotta put a warning label on the Gokester pictures. One false swipe of the screen of my iTouch and it’s full screen Hokey, looking right at me. Completely terrifying. I may never recover.

  18. Rachel_M permalink
    April 22, 2009 8:17 am

    I don’t get the fascination with Gokey AT ALL. He’s a hideous dancer and his voice seems very ordinary to me.

    What was Vince Neil doing in the audience? He lost double-digit coolness points for being at that crapfest.

  19. April 22, 2009 6:26 am

    Thanks for clarifying the SNL thing even though Clark Kent meets Saturday Night Fever doesn’t fit much better.

  20. SeanD permalink
    April 22, 2009 6:12 am

    “He wants to connect emotionally to a song, meaning, this is another shoutout to being gay…”

    Huh? Are there now, ex-cu-say moi, *gay* emotions to connect to? He couldn’t be singing that song in the way he did because he understands the pain of loss like millions of the rest of us poor suffering slobs on the rest of the planet? Last time I checked – that’s a universal *human* emotion he was tapping.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 22, 2009 10:33 am

      The reason I say “gay” is because he does a variety of songs stating “who he is” without coming out and saying it b/c you know, it’s Idol. But I have never believed sexual preference defines a person in the least. Unless you want it to, and then you’re all about being something so meaningless in the grand scheme of things and that’s just plain dull 🙂

  21. AIFan permalink
    April 22, 2009 2:16 am

    “She Works Hard For The Money” is not about a prostitute. From the lyrics, http://www.metrolyrics.com/she-works-hard-for-the-money-lyrics-donna-summer.html it sounds like it’s about a waitress.

    I am really disappointed in tonight’s episode. None of them did actual disco. Hot By Default sounds exactly the same every week and this week was no exception. Adam was the biggest disappointment of the night – what’s with the suit and a ballad for a DISCO night ? I think he is trying to tone it down for the middle America so he can win this thing. If so, I hope we’ll get the real Adam back after the coronation. A neutered Adam would be a sad thing to behold.

    All in all, one of the suckiest and most boring episodes in AI history.

    • Maree permalink
      April 22, 2009 12:30 pm

      I have this feeling the Tour will be a blast this year, with Screech in it.

  22. April 22, 2009 1:04 am

    Delurking to say that even though your overuse of the word “frak” can get annoying, “Mango?” made me laugh. Hard.

    Cheers.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 22, 2009 1:06 am

      I try to keep the blog “family friendly.” Actually, its more that some of my friend’s can’t read it at work and the show makes me curse a lot.

  23. Maree permalink
    April 22, 2009 12:07 am

    It’s definitely the Screech/HBD/La Princesa show now. Toodles, Gokester.

  24. Deez permalink
    April 21, 2009 11:31 pm

    Oh and Gokey was horrible.

  25. Deez permalink
    April 21, 2009 11:28 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Thank you!!! I was like Whaaaa? on the SNL/Clark Kent thing also, but forgot to factor in the dumbassery.Of course! Saturday Night Fever! OH MY GOD…that was priceless. This show actually was a trainwreck tonight…only it was the judges who provided the carnage for our rubber-necking pleasure!Paula mixed up her flash cards with a JCPenney’s flyer and a thesaurus…while Randy just kept pulling the string in his back. Poor Simon…sometimes he can be a little…well…Simoney…but he is the only sane one.

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