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The Final Nail in Disco’s Coffin / The Longest Hour in TV History

April 22, 2009

You know what? You can really sing.

Another fine moment in the life of Randy Jackson

Ugh. Let’s get this shit show on the road.

Because its disco and it can be a trap.

Ok, La Princesa. I love you, sweetie and oh, when you say such things, I can only think of one person.

Disco Night on American Idol: It's a trap!

Oh christ. Disco Medley, Group Sing Hell and The Mormon Eunuch?? You people find new ways to torture me each and every week, Idol, you really do.

Although I do get a kick out of Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi cheering lamely for herself while the audience remains less than enthused.

Paula Abdul. You are a very cute woman when you minimize the makeup and wear street clothes. I might even be able to forgive you for ordaining Gokey pelvic thrusts…maybe, but…that is a tall order.

Yo, Screech. Don’t wear greasepaint when you’re really gonna sweat.

Is Adam Lambert wearing makeup to dance practice?

Lil, stop dressing for the cameras. This is dance rehearsal. And for frak’s sake, why you wearing a wig offstage?

Lil Rounds wears a wig to dance practice

Quatto The Mole really shines when its time to get down and sweat to the music.

Quatto The Mole SWEATS!

(Oh, and Idol, please stop playing that terrible newish Abdul song. What the hell is wrong with Straight Up? I loved that shit when I was in the sixth grade. I still kind of love that shit. Shhhh…)

Mole Boy just downloaded himself as a ringtone, which isn’t as strange as it sounds, really, since Quatto The Mole did it and technically, he is a separate entity.

Matt Giraud downloads himself as a ringtone

Of course, why does it seem like the last two Results Shows have been The Mole Boy Hour?

And away we go! Oh wow. Not only are they all dressed in 70s attire, but Paula is out from behind the judges’ table! (Shit-For-Brains is uber-pissed right now.

And yes! Look a little down to the right and you will see the famous Reach For The Stars Ring (now only $14.95!) from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection!

Paula Abdul presents Disco Hell!

Anoop, I kind of like the scruff, and no, I do not think you look like a terrorist (as suggested by some esteemed commenters on last night’s post), even in those threads. But holy shit, Mole Boy started singing and for a moment he sounded exactly like Alvin!

Still waiting for the choreography….

How awesome would it have been to see Gokeyoke’s pants split?

Why didn't Danny Gokey's pants split?

This is all sorts of wrong. (And why isn’t Screech McQueen wearing sunglasses, too?)

Why isn't Adam Lambert wearing sunglasses?

What the hell am I watching right now? I am scared.

All sorts of wrong

Oh La Princesa. I adore you.

La Princesa del Mariachi boogies down

Ok. I will say that lip syncing is a bit more excusable with Ms. Abdul’s somewhat inspired choreography. You can’t polish turds, ya know? But I give you credit for trying. Oh. And I know Shit-For-Brains is SEETHING as you give your pageant wave.

Paula Abdul does her best pageant wave

Oh wow. All that Groups Sing Hell excitement made me totally forget about the Ford Commercial. Which was rather dull in comparison to the pre-taped group sing bullshit…wait…quick change?

Let’s hurry this shit up and do the Bottom 3. Lil…oh, Lil…

We need someone like you in this competition.

Yes, Ryan. Just admit you’re trying to fill a quota.

Bye bye, Lil Rounds. Hey, I hope you scored a lot of free wigs. Oh jesus. You’re singing that shit again. Well, I’ll take a photo. It will last longer.

Lil Rounds Last Stand

But oh, Lil. Your parents are totally adorable. And your kids, I guess. But your parents are totally cute and I might miss them in the audience. Simon is gonna miss them, too.

Lil Rounds family is adorable

All-Star Disco Medley. Wow. They are totally dragging this shit out tonight.

Holy Joan Rivers! Put the scalpal and botox needle down, honey, because you do not look right. Seriously. You would not be allowed into Studio 57 looking like this, sorry sweetheart.

This woman was raised from the dead

Yes, Kara DioGuardi. That could be you in 30 years.

Well, its good to see Thelma Houston is wearing something a little more forgiving, however, even if she can sit down and eat a proper meal in that ensemble while also boasting decent legs for a senior citizen, I still think this entire look is a total don’t. But she kind of gets away with it…

Whoa. Look at dem’ puppies packed into that sequined sunshine.

Thelma Houston and her two gigantic puppies

However, Ms. Houston’s voice is in much better shape than that last woman. And I think that’s what matters most, right? But holy shit, I have no idea how there wasn’t a total areola slip.

Wow. This is just incredible. Here comes KC, just KC. No Sunshine Band. And this continues to be one of the most horrific All-Star Disco Medleys I have ever seen. Granted, I don’t see a lot of All-Star Disco Medleys so I really don’t have much to compare it to.

KC with no Sunshine Band

And we still have to hear The Mormon Eunuch perform? AND eliminate another person.

When will this end?? Let’s get to the Bottom 2. Please.

Hot By Default is safe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know he is kind of boring but I swear he is more exciting than he lets on. And here ya go, ya Kradam freaks!

One for the Kradam freaks

Screech McQueen is, obviously, SAFE.

Simon can barely hide his disdain for Gokey. Which is why he is staring at Paula’s earrings.

Simon stares at Paula's Reach For The Stars Earrings

Some of the bloggers thought that was a bit harsh.

Which bloggers? Seacrest, which blogs are you reading? Ugh. Gokey is safe. How unfortunate.

And now to Anoop, who I really want to stick around for another week. Oh no. Anoop is in the Bottom 3. 😦

Anoop Desai with scruff

Oh La Princesa, You’re so cute. And Mole Boy and Quatto are safe. Which means, most likely, Anoop will be going home!

I hate seeing people I like on those stools!

Anoop and Allison on the stools

Up next, the loveable David Archuleta performs.

Do you think the kid, now 18, enjoys being called lovable? Just saying, Seacrest, just saying. I was never a fan of his on the show but he still seems like a decent kid.

Archie performs something called Touch My Hand. Well, better than he was when he was on the show, perhaps, but I’ll never buy one of his records. He just ain’t my style, even if he is oh-so loveable.

David Archuleta returns to American Idol

And to keep with the theme of the song he, you know, touches people’s hands. I just adore those deep metaphors, don’t you?

Oh wow. Was this live? Yeah, Archuleta seems like such a nice young man, even though I totally loved hating on him all last season. But hey, hating on Idol contestants is one of the things I do well so why the frak should I stop now?

That David Archuleta is such a nice young man

I knew this was going to happen. And while I’m happy La Princesa will stay, I am oh-so sad to see Anoop go! I bet this shit was fixed. In my heart of hearts, I know Gokeyoke got the lowest number of votes. Idol, you lie!

Bye bye, Anoop. I will miss you and your totally awesome parents. If we ever meet, I am so buying your ass so Baby Back Ribs, St. Louis or KC style, you choice.

Awww, Anoop's parents are so adorable

Yeah, La Princesa, I was thinking the same damn thing.

La Princesa sums up my sentiments exactly

La Princesa, watch your sweet little Spanish heart! American Idol hates minorities! And blind people!

23 Comments leave one →
  1. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    April 26, 2009 5:51 pm

    There’s trouble in paradise. Kradam are in the middle of a lover’s quarrel according to the National Enquirer. Adam is leaving his nail polish all over the place and Kris is cranky. What a spat. Is that second bed finally being used? I hope there’s a follow-up article detailing their make-up sex.

    I actually enjoyed the group number this week although only Adam and Matt have any business dancing on that stage. When they brought Paula up I was scared she was going to fall in those heels. It’s a miracle she stayed upright.

    I was eager to see Lil go but they summarily dismissed her in record time. I wish they’d give all the results that fast.

  2. April 25, 2009 2:48 am

    i’m still pulling for Danny, though I admit he needs to turn it up a notch at this point in the season

  3. she_is_so_random permalink
    April 23, 2009 3:38 pm

    Um, continuing the Mole Boy and Star Wars theme: I knew I had seen a mole like his before and lo and behold…this weekend, on Spike’s marathon of Star Wars, I realized who has the matching mole. It’s Ewan McGregor in Episode 3.

  4. Dr Fender permalink
    April 23, 2009 12:46 pm

    They couldn’t eliminate Moleboy because their “save” would have looked even more stupid than it actually was. You can bet he goes next week, though.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 23, 2009 1:11 pm

      Quatto The Mole might get real angry. I know he’s running things.

      • April 23, 2009 2:05 pm

        I heard the mole has its own solo next week. Grows a little mole mouth and belts out a little mole ballad. Then it takes one for the team and volunteers to get voted off to save its master. True story.

        • TopIdol permalink
          April 23, 2009 2:12 pm

          I want The Mole to duet with Admiral Ackbar.

        • LetsMaimDorkey permalink
          April 25, 2009 2:11 am

          i love you
          also a true story

  5. Rachel_M permalink
    April 23, 2009 8:21 am

    “American Idol hates minorities!”

    True that…unless they’re white-washed like Archuleta or Castro.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 23, 2009 10:19 am

      Yes, La Princesa better make herself less Hispanic if she wants to stick around! Should have deleted all those quincenera photos before she went on the show. Those coming-of-age rites are way to ethnic for Idol!

  6. April 23, 2009 7:34 am

    Gokey needs to work on is “oh, really? I’m safe?” BS look. He’s got that sh*t-eating grin, as usual, but he combines it with fake shock, and it just ends up looking like he’s pushing out a Holy Turd or something. Then his eyes do that squinty half moon thing, and he looks like a cheesy Anime character. Bukaki!

  7. Pia permalink
    April 23, 2009 2:56 am

    Mole Boy should have left instead of Anoop! 😦

    I freaking hate those stupid puppet judges!

    • Pia permalink
      April 23, 2009 2:58 am

      Although I must admit, Paula’s “words of wisdom” are really entertaining! haha 😀

  8. Sneakers permalink
    April 23, 2009 2:44 am

    “How awesome would it have been to see Gokeyoke’s pants split?”
    I too thought it would have been awesome to see his pants split since I can’t stand Gokey. BUT, had he been going commando to fit into those jeans… and THEN they split… I would have gone blind and I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy the rest of this shit show. So no, it wouldn’t have been awesome.
    Lil Rounds! 😀
    Anoop! 😦
    I realized had they not saved Mole Boy last week, Anoop would still be there :/

    P.S. Archie will always be considered “cute” and “lovable” until he hits puberty… if that day ever comes.

  9. Maree permalink
    April 23, 2009 2:43 am

    Archie probably finds it exasperating. But he’s a sweet kid.
    You know who else is a sweet kid, though? Screech. The more I see of him the more I love.
    As for La P, this is getting really exasperating. My cherished dream is that she get past the Gokester. Don’t disappoint me America!

  10. shallow permalink
    April 23, 2009 12:53 am

    because your screech mcqueen is too cool for sunglasses. that’s why. or the rest of them are on meth. that’s why. kradam the way!

  11. AIFan permalink
    April 23, 2009 12:41 am

    Archie is going to be called loveable for the rest of his life so he might as well get used to it. The song is a lame bubble gum pop and he did not sound too good either. But not as bad as the senior citizen brigade. Was Donna Summer not available ?

  12. April 23, 2009 12:14 am

    I write frakking long comments.

  13. April 23, 2009 12:14 am

    I have yet to watch this LOL but I already knew what happened.
    Oh God. MORE OLD PEOPLE?? Ugh. Come on. These people have to stop at some point. We’re not ALL the Rolling Stones, you know.
    YES! Lil and Anoop are GONE! (Sorry about Anoop… I just thought his time was up a looong time ago.)
    Moley Boy is probably out next week, and then Gokey/La Princesa in I don’t care what order as long as it’s a Kradam finale. B/c Adam is freaking awesome and Kris is as well. ❤
    David Archuleta is VERY used to being called loveable haha… I think he’s realized that he’s going to be called “cute” and “loveable” for the rest of his life.
    And if he didn’t touch people’s hands during that song, it would seem so pointless… it’s about touching people’s hands at a concert. lol. Corny-ass song but it’s a fantard’s love. Would you rather he sang then one that Kara cowrote (which is actually very pretty) and then have her SING BACKUP like on the record?! I sure as hell wouldn’t.

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 23, 2009 12:25 am

      She sang backup???

      Noooooo, little loveable Eunuch, nooooooooo!!

      I have trouble hating on the kid now, though. He does seem so goddamn nice. 🙂

      • April 23, 2009 12:27 am

        I KNOW RIGHT.
        And he sings so beautifully on that song, and then Kara comes in and RUINS IT. Even before I knew it was her I was like, um… the backup’s really freakin loud.
        HE IS. :3
        Speaking of… exactly one year ago today… me and my sisters took part in the cheesefest that was the bunch of girls getting up onstage and hugging little Archie before his performance. xD Hahaha. I remember it was Earth Day b/c they gave us those reusable grocery bag things.

      • Sarah permalink
        April 23, 2009 6:31 pm

        I thought he sounded terrible last night….


  1. Anoop Desai: In Memoriam « Idolator: Music News, Reviews, And Gossip

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