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Slash came over. Stage stuff collapsed. The screamer tried to be the screecher, yet things were still kind of boring

May 5, 2009

Idol will surely get those ratings they’ve been after tonight after this afternoon’s drama. However, everything looks a-ok now, but I’m telling you, those damn gyroscopes are death traps. And if any of my spoilers are wrong, I still “predicted” that shit a week ago.

The death gyroscope on the American Idol set

Why doesn’t anyone give Randy the memo about men wearing sequined t-shirts? NO ONE has done that shit since Lamar Latrell in Revenge of the Nerds.

Lamar Latrell: Randy Jackon's fashionable inspiration

La Princesa’s hair gets progressively better with each passing week. Just saying.

No one ever talks about one of Slash’s most awesome contributions to the pantheons of entertainment and society as a whole. Because I think I was the only one who ever watched the show. Kid Notorious (Comedy Central) was this awesomely un-PC cartoon voiced by Hollywood producer Robert Evans. This shit was HILARIOUS. Slash was a character. He played Evans’ neighbor who also LOVED Christmas and stuck live reindeer on his roof. The show only lasted a season but it was so damn funny, I would have loved to have seen more.

Slash and Robert Evans on Kid Notorious

Adam Lambert
Whole Lotta Love

Wow. A lot of people have been speculating about this one all week long and guessed correctly. But I don’t care. I’m just happy Slash suggested he use his lower register. But really, his lower register can’t be that low.

Adam Lambert sings Whole Lotta Love on American Idol

Obviously, Screech isn’t going to blow Rock Week. Did anyone have any doubts? Granted, he’s good. He’s a professional. But is there a difference in tonight’s performance over his other “rock” ones? Hmmm…I do actually like his energy and the way he feeds off the band, but of course he ends with a super high Screech note, however, it does work with the song. Oh, and he said woman while thrusting. Surefire way for you to keep those delusional ladies voting for you, sweetheart!

Nobody’s ever gonna think about Broadway or any of that stuff right there because you’re a rock star tonight.

That was the coolest thing Randy ever said. Even though he made it sound stupid at the end, but it was so obviously a jab at Greasy Constantine, who somehow received a Tony Nomination this morning because oh yeah, most of the shows on Broadway have closed.

The other judges continue the group creaming, but this time, I can’t really totally disagree. (Shit For Brains even called him a rock god.) But then again, I don’t cream over people I see on a karaoke contest.

Allison Iraheta
Cry Baby

Damn you person who lied and said Gold Dust Woman! Oh well. No one had much to go on since there was no rehearsal. And I’m not going to complain with this chick doing Janis Joplin. La Princesa is now getting her hair done by “Adam’s hair girl”.

Hi Slash. You’re kind of an awesome Idol mentor.

Slash on American Idol

La Princesa, naturally, is incredible. I really have no criticism for her because she is just ridiculous. I would probably totally buy an album of hers, which is saying a lot, since I don’t ever buy Idol contestants’ albums. In fact, I pretty much DO NOT want her to win, because frankly, she would be forced to sing some total shit songs like This Moment is the Time of My Now.

Allison Iraheta sings "Cry Baby"Will the de-pimping begin here? Randy wasn’t crazy about it. Jesus. Can he say anything new? Shit For Brains says she should have sang Piece of My Heart. The woman is such a twat, even while claiming to see her personality. Paula thinks she should star in a Janis Joplin biopic. Simon loved it, but didn’t think she was original and calls her soundalike. Says she should have sang Queen.

Oooh. La Princesa talks back and says she was going to sing Jefferson Airplane’s Somebody to Love AND how Piece of My Heart has been done to death on the show. La Princesa is ADORABLE. Hell yeah. They did tell her she should talk more and Simon loves it. Obviously, Randy once again proves he is a useless sack of shit. Hell, Quatto the Mole had more of a viable opinion than this idiot.

I miss Matt Giraud's Mole, don't you? Quatto the Mole misses YOU.

Up next…Fundie Duet Fun Times!

Kris Allen and Danny Gokey before their duet from hell

Danny Gokey and Kris Allen

I have no idea what this is gonna be like. Styx? Like where I want to shove sticks in my ears?

This is kind of a mega-disaster. But it totally proves that Gokeyoke SCREAMS songs. While Hot By Default does not, and when he’s forced to do so, jesus christ, this poor kid is competing just to be heard when they’re singing together. Something about that just rubbed me the wrong way. You’re doing a duet, you sing a duet. You don’t COMPETE over who can sing LOUDEST.

Poor Hot By Default. I hope he can sing his solo because he could have likely busted out a vocal chord trying to compete with that yelling.

Gokeyoke looks like a smug bastard. Hot By Default is basically saying to himself “oh shit, you cannot trust all fellow Christians because this bastard hung me out to dry so he could showboat and there is no bible quote which says this is okay.”

Kris Allen is gonna kill Danny GokeyRandy is a moron because he says the harmonies were amazing. Kara said it was united and strong? Hello? Twatface, where the hell do you come up with these?

Paula is at a loss for words and can’t say anything interesting. Jesus christ, I miss her percocet. Simon says Danny was better than Hot By Default.

Hot By Default is soooo not pleased. It’s kind of awesome, in a way, because he looks like he’s gonna wipe the smug smile of Gokeyoke’s face with a single punch, especially when the dude doesn’t let him get a word in edgewise with the perfunctory Seacrest banter.

Kris Allen is now totally gonna kill Danny Gokey. For reals.

Ugh. Poor Hot By Default doesn’t get the pimp spot (although I am assuming the actual pimp spot is the much-awaited La Princesa and Screech duet, still…) and is now going to be forced to sing after the break after his vocal chords have been considerably weakened after being forced to SCREAM most of a Styx song.

Kris Allen
Come Together

Well, the Euro band part was right, and I guess the Beatles had some intersting things going on with their hair, however…

Poor Hot By Default. Hee hee. He just sang holy roller. I swear he sang those last lyrics about the douchebag he sang with only a few minutes before. He was totally connecting with the song, you see, he’s a good guy. He was working out the need to beat the shit out of Gokeyoke through music!

Kris Allen sings "Come Together" on American Idol

I’m actually kind of digging this performance, and he is stretching his voice, so to speak, but it works so much better on this number than when he was forced to scream to keep up with a guy whose musical education comes from an obnoxious preacher at a pulpit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like this kid and totally feel like defending him right now. Plus, he might actually put out something I could buy a couple of songs off of, so…

Shit For Brains is such a twat. She’s like, I will de-pimp him because I soooo want a job next year, so I will try and sound like I have really important & helpful knowledge, even though I know every time I critique a contestant I sound like a sanctimonious twat. Paula says some useless nonsense not even worth writing down and I just miss her painkiller addiction. Simon calls it eating ice for lunch. I really don’t understand why this guy can’t give Hot By Default any props sometimes. Gokeyoke SCREAMS! (Screaming isn’t artistry, I mean, not in a family-friendly venue it’s not.) But wait, Simon says it was more like a jam. Uh…how is that necessarily a bad thing? I mean, why can’t we see a little jam band-ness on Idol?

Danny Gokey
Dream On

And with this song, we are going to get to hear Gokeyoke screech. Not just scream, he’s gonna SCREECH!

Dude. Quit eyefucking the camera. When Gokey isn’t screaming, I don’t mind him. But then when he gets going, it’s just tiresome. And he actually hit a WTF note there at the end of the “soft” intro, sorry, but it was rather harsh.

I was kind of interested in what this performance would be like if he did, indeed, sing this song. And whoa. He Gokeyized it with the weekly oh-y-oh-y-oh, but some of that screeching was downright shitatous. Yet, it was the biggest risk he’s ever taken on the show. About fraking time if you ask me, still Gokeyoke, but that shit made me laugh. That was kind of a disaster, but it was infinitely more watchable than anything he usually does.

That final note? That final note??? HOLY FRAKING SHIT.

Danny Gokey in post-Screaming mode following "Dream On"

Randy kind of said what I said, but because I’m smarter and do not wear sequined t-shirts and little children’s jewelry while saying dawg all the time, my opinion is always more eloquent and relevant. Shit For Brains is continuing her mega-twat brigade. Can someone please shut her the hell up?

EARLY AEROSMITH? EARLY AEROSMITH? This is why she is SHIT FOR BRAINS. Dream On was from their first album! Before Studio 57 and Saturday Night Live even.

Simon equates the last note was like a horror movie but continues the whole Gokeyoke creaming, which, each and every week, continues to be more inexplicable. Yeah, I do give him some credit for going out of his safety zone, but was he trying too hard to compete with Screech McQueen? (Great. Finals of screaming and screeching.)

Yet, it was the most entertaining Danny Gokey has ever been on American Idol. There haven’t been any of these sorts of moments since hell, Scott “Blind Guy” MacIntyre was still in the competition!

Allison Iraheta and Adam Lambert
Slow Ride

Ah, the Foghat classic. Jesus christ, does this just make sooooo much more sense. You can actually watch these two and not cringe or feel sorry for either of them. And I suspect the producers may now be shooting for an Adam and Allison finale. Because a) pimp spot and b) it was a duet that actually worked.

Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta sing "Slow Ride"

The judges are creaming themselves, of course. Paula calls them the perfect marriage. Shit For Brains, hell, I’m just tuning her out every time she speaks at this point because she is just an irritating twat. Everyone says they should do a duet together (which I’m sure they will on the Ellen show, inevitably, and on the tour, and wherever else Idol singers sing together…) and they act all cute and hug and Screech is like La Princesa’s big brother! (Awww shucks! And at this moment,  Idol producers all get a big lightbulb over their heads after witnessing such kohl-lined, manic-panic-ed sincerity on the death-trapped stage.)

Hmmm…basically I see how this is going down now. The de-pimping of Gokey has finally begun, although they did attempt to be “subtle”, ha. I think they want to keep him around one more week but get rid of Hot By Default, since Idol has no place for those who want to jam or sing “soft” songs with a guitar (see last year’s fourth-place finisher, Jason Castro. Oh, Hot By Default, I soooo hope your family isn’t a bunch of grifting greedy fraks who solicit their “fans” for cupcakes on Twitter.)

Or they’re just powering up Gokey’s unbelievably large fantard base to dial even harder this week. I wondered who these people were until the dress rehearsal last week, when Gokeyoke got a considerable larger amount of applause over Adam Lambert. Or they’ve decided Adam and Allison are obviously more bankable.

(And why did Gokeyoke screech in a decidedly un-rockerlike preacher vest ensemble?)

Anyway, if you need to cleanse your pallate after tonight’s entertaining-yet-dull-as-all-frak shit show, I suggest you watch a little Kid Notorious. I actually went to go find some for you but haven’t been able to find more than one clip yet. Bastards. That shit was funny as all hell.

(But here is another photo. Go buy the Kid Notorious DVD!)

More Kid Notorious awesomeness featuring Slash

29 Comments leave one →
  1. zelda permalink
    May 6, 2009 11:37 pm

    Oh stop! If Adam is a screecher then so are Axel Rose, Stephen Tyler, and Robert Plant.

    Attacking someone as good as Adam for his strengths shows me you can’t really find anything legitimate to attack. BTW, you are just echoing the other sour grape types. Not original at all. I expected better of you.

    • May 9, 2009 4:56 pm

      Hokey’s last note was hysterically funny, painful AND excruciatingly embarrassing.

      • May 9, 2009 5:22 pm

        Ooops, that wasn’t meant to be a direct reply to anyone.

  2. May 6, 2009 7:12 pm

    man, gokey’s scream-heard-around-the-world is now a classic.

  3. Chefshortz permalink
    May 6, 2009 6:42 pm

    Hahahahahaha. Okay. So. I just need you to know how much I love you and your freaking blog. Thank you for the constant entertainment. I really do appreciate it. Adam and Allison FTMFW.

    • Jennifer permalink
      May 6, 2009 6:49 pm

      Top Idol is the motherfucking shiznit!

  4. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    May 6, 2009 4:45 pm

    Last night may be one of my all-time favorite Idol episodes.

    I thought Ring Of Fire was destined to be my favorite Glambert performance but now Whole Lotta Love is running in first place. He sang Zep and knocked it out of the park. By the time he sang “Woman” I was so delirious with ecstasy that I actually thought he was singing directly to me.

    I live in LA and I’m a little scared to go out today after Gokey’s now infamous “note”. Are the dead awake and roaming the streets? That was enough to empty every cemetery in the city. Pets have been traumatized. It could be a mess out there. All I can say is I now know why the Idol set collapsed. It was shaking with fear in anticipation of the Gokester’s “performance”.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 6, 2009 4:55 pm

      I live in LA and I’m a little scared to go out today after Gokey’s now infamous “note”. Are the dead awake and roaming the streets? That was enough to empty every cemetery in the city.

      Oh shit. Gokey raised the dead before Pastor Rolex ever did. Or was this all part of some sick master plan?

  5. Erika permalink
    May 6, 2009 4:30 pm

    That gyro thing could have fallen on us!!!

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 6, 2009 4:41 pm

      No shit, right?

      We all wondered what was going on when that contraption was squeaking. It just seemed…not right…and then look!

      We need to all go again just so I can make sure Julie gets to the front row. Not that I have a plan, I’ll just push and shove a lot.

      • May 6, 2009 7:07 pm

        Let Svagina go up front and take the brunt of the impact.

        • Erika permalink
          May 6, 2009 10:03 pm

          Well, Maybe if we bring underage boys that one chick will lets us sit where ever we want! Yay Julie will be able to see.

          • TopIdol permalink
            May 6, 2009 11:55 pm

            My nephew graduates soon, damnit, but not soon enough. I would totally bring him to LA. Would probably have to buy him some beers he could drink out of a non-descript cup in the car ride over, but he’d be down. Totally worth it if JULIE FINALLY GETS TO SEE THE DAMN SHOW! Plus then he would have a good story about trying to land some Hollywood tail. It’s a win-win-win!

  6. SarahBeth permalink
    May 6, 2009 2:01 pm

    I didn’t think personally HBD deserved to be thrown under the bus like he was. I think the producers are gunning for an Adam/Danny finale and that pisses me off.

    Thanks for the recap, awesome as always!

  7. May 6, 2009 12:56 pm

    (made this comment in the wrong place – sorry)
    i am so excited that someone else actually knows “Kid Notorious’.

    awww, lil HBD. i felt so bad for him being stuck with HokeyGokeyoke.

    i want hair like La Princesa and also her awesome wardrobe.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 6, 2009 12:59 pm

      Kid Notorious was absolutely hysterical. I wish they still ran reruns of the show, or at least had them on Hulu.

      Toolie Mae, the maid, was voiced by Niecy Nash of Reno 911! It was an all-around great cartoon.

      • May 6, 2009 1:20 pm

        no way! LOVE Niecy!
        i have put The Geeky Husband on watch for us. if anyone can find rare TV, HE can. 🙂

  8. Jennifer permalink
    May 6, 2009 9:01 am

    Gokey in a purple shirt = Grimace. That is all.

    • THINKING permalink
      May 6, 2009 2:25 pm

      Any one else notice the flub where they put the banner claiming Danny’s family and friends unders Adam’s family looking all pretty bored? Only Adam’s dad was bothering to clap for Gokey

  9. May 6, 2009 4:06 am

    i felt REALLY bad for HBD, he was thrown under the bus so fucking hard. `=/

  10. May 6, 2009 3:19 am

    One of the most entertaining recaps I’ve read … thank you …

  11. Maree permalink
    May 5, 2009 11:06 pm

    You know why I’m not sure about La P winning? They’ll wring every last drop out of her ’til her vocal chords pack it up for good.

    • May 5, 2009 11:08 pm

      Allison’s out tomorrow, and it’s the best thing for her. We do not need that kid turning into a Gaspy or Miley bot.

  12. Maree permalink
    May 5, 2009 10:59 pm

    Hey, I had doubts. Cook managed to blow Rock Week last year by singing Duran f*cking Duran.

    • May 5, 2009 11:07 pm

      What, you didn’t squee over ‘Hungry like the woooo’?

      • Maree permalink
        May 5, 2009 11:22 pm

        I hate that song with the burning fire of a thousand supernovae.

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