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Ode to La Princesa. And MC Skat Kat.

May 6, 2009

So I’ve been thinking about next week…there are four judges this year. On Top 3 week, don’t they usually have each judge pick a song? And how will they do this with four judges? Alternate? Well, I’m sure this will at least elicit some excellent ones from Shit For Brains. Let’s see…HBD would sing that Jason Mraz song, La Princesa would have to do Pink’s Get This Party Started, Gokeyoke would do Boyz II Men, perhaps…Screech (wait, can I really call HIM Screech after Gokey assassinated classic Aerosmith?)

Maybe since yesterday’s non-rehearsal and incongruous number of judges, they will keep all 4! Yeah, right. Well, enough with the speculation. Let’s get this shit show started. BTW, Every week, I still wonder why I am watching this tripe. Each and every week.

OMG OVER 64 MILLION VOTES, well, this commenter over on MJ’s Big Blog certainly did her part:

I estimate I got in the neighborhood of 1500 votes in for Adam. *hangs head in shame at what a total and complete nut I’ve become for the Glambert*

Uh…uh…how??

Yeah, unlimited texting, an extra cell, and a landline are my friends. And my kids and husband are getting used to me snarling, “Get away from me if you’re not going to help me vote, damn it!” on Tuesday nights.

Ok, sweetheart, I don’t know if I would go around bragging about such things, but that’s just me. Give my regards to your family, ok?

FORD COMMERCIAL NONSENSE

Are they supposed to be paper dolls or something? No clue. But that fraking faux-suspender t-shirt I’ve seen Gokeyoke in about 6 zillion times really needs to be tossed in a dumpster. Read the signs, Gokeyoke, stop wearing that shit.

Danny Gokey's stupid faux-suspender shirt

That commercial was boorrring. But now Slash is gonna play lead guitar during Group Sing Hell. This week — Alice Cooper’s School’s Out.

Ryan Seacrest and Slash

I just want Gokeyoke to screech again. Please oh please oh please.

Awww…two people I like. Either one of them could be leaving us tonight…why does everyone I like have to go away?

Allison Iraheta and Kris Allen

Giving the public more of what they want (Oh. And she TOTALLY shoved Gokeyoke harder than Screech, er, Lambert.)

Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta sing together again

Blocking Gokeyoke’s head with funny faces.

Adam Lambert, Allison Iraheta and Kris Allen block Gokey's head

Digital phallic symbols. Shit-eating Gokeyoke grin. Slash.

Phallic symbols, Danny Gokey and Slash

Awesome! Seacrest noticed La Princesa’s obvious distaste for Gokeyoke with that little smack, too. Well, its probably deserved since he grouped her and a baked good last week, oh, and totally ran over her buddy Hot By Default last night, so…

Whoa, what? I have to sit through Paula, Daughtry AND No Doubt. (Sorry, just always thought Gwen Stefani is completely overrated.)

Nooo, Hot By Default, you totally deserve to be here. Amazingly, Gokeyoke got the memo and decided to be LIKEABLE for once. He admits to laughing about his performance all last night, calling family members, how his Aunt was forced to leave the room because it was so bad and heard that people made ringtones out of it (Uh…ok. I totally did. First and only thing I’ve downloaded from this shit show all season!). He claims it was the most fun he’s had all season.

Danny Gokey acts likable for once

So…Gokeyoke has a sense of humor? Is he embracing himself as a VFTW pick? No, this can’t be.

La Princesa gets tons of cheers. Yay! La Princesa! And how awesome is it that she admits how she wants to maim Shit For Brains? Christ, I hope she gets eliminated just so they don’t make some her some ridiculous tween pop clone to compete with those Disney chicks.

She was asking for it…so…I’m like FINE. I’ll give it to you.

PAULA DOES SOMETHING ON STAGE

Oh please oh please say MC Skat Kat shows up. Ugh. Don’t play Dance Like There is No Tomorrow ever again. What? This is called I’m Just Here For The Music. Are you just there for the music after you dance like there’s no tomorrow? What the hell is this shit? You used to name things with just two words? Like Straight Up. Opposites Attract. Rush Rush. Granted, most of it wasn’t good, but you know, they took less time to say.

Am I watching The X-Factor with Britney Spears again? Because I swear I’ve seen this routine before. And this song is about as meaty as a buffet table at a goddamn PETA convention.

Paula Abdul does her best Britney Spears

You know Paula is only performing so she can tell Shit For Brains to go suck it. Because Shit For Brains could never cut it as a recording artist.

What the hell was that lame ass ending? And huh?

Live! Love! Sing! Dance! XheartXheart PAULA

Live Love Sing Dance Paula WTF

Granted, that little “autographed” ending could score her a bit part in the next Baz Lurhman film, La Boehme Vicodin.

(Hey, does anyone know why they keep advertising AmericanIdol.com with Alexis “Malnourished Casper Twat” Grace’s profile? Ah, yes. She totally must have banged someone else to get that post-post-post-multiplied-by-infinity pimpage.)

Oh Paula, he’s like your new MC Skat Kat, isn’t he? And check out that new necklace from HSN’s Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection!

Ryan Seacrest is no MC Skat Cat

Ugh. Here is a pre-recorded No Doubt performance. Just A Girl is technically an oldie, now, I think. Which is sad, b/c I was like 17 when I first heard it. Christ, Gwen Stefani cut out that Harajuko Girl shit for a little bit so she can dress like a fraking “ska-punk princess” again. Sorry Gwen lovers, but she’s always irritated me. (Although I did like Rich Girl, except for that stupid hook part by Eve. Christ, so lame.)

Why can’t Lambert wear drummer Adrian Young’s outfit on the Idol stage?

Adrian Young needs to dress Adam Lambert next week

FLASHBACKS OF HOMECOMINGS PAST

Ewwww. They just showed that douchebag who be-boxed Bon Jovi a couple of years ago. Hasn’t that asshat died of the Pig Flu yet?

Ok. While I’ve only watched a few seasons of Idol, I gotta admit, there was only one truly memorable “homecoming”. Eliot fraking Yamin. Hello? Who didn’t totally love Mama Yamin?? And come on, Idol needs more diverse contestants. Like Diabetic white Jewish boys from the Deep South with adorable mothers. (RIP Mama Yamin).

RIP Mama Yamin

HA HA HA. Remember Coretta Scott Mercado?? Christ, I can’t stand that fake twat. She was such proof Idol is fixed!

Coretta Scott Mercado fake cries

Now we’re getting down to the results. Well, part of them. Ok, Lambert. Please get a proper facial or laser treatment or something! That greasepaint does nothing good for your skin.

Adam Lambert's not-so-great complexion

Where is Gokey’s hand? And the Kradam nutters are LOVING this scene. They’ve already started furiously typing the NC-17 slash!

American Idol Top 4 await their fate

One goes to safety…hurry this shit show up. (Oh, whew. Gokey’s hand is in his pocket.)

OK. I am like, uh, kind of thrilled right now. HOT BY DEFAULT IS SAFE! Of course, I know this means La Princesa is going home, but…she will be better off anyway. In fact, it will be the best thing for her.

Jesus christ, I think the M.R.S. Allen just busted a valve. I didn’t know she could show such raw emotion.

Kris Allen's wife finally gets excited

DAUGHTRY IS HERE

Another reason why winning Idol can screw you. Chris Daughtry. Yeah, ok. So I totally like that It’s Not Over song. I don’t own the album, but I downloaded that song. It was nominated for a Grammy, you know, as was Ace Young, who received a co-writing credit. (So take that, Greasy Constantine Maroulis lunatics who are creaming yourselves over his bullshit Tony Nomination.)

Daughtry’s new song is no It’s Not Over. Maybe I’ll listen to it again, hell, I’m sure I’ll hear it again. In any case, it’s better than anything he would have sang on his debut album had he won this shit show, but its still kind of crap.

Hey, has anyone else noticed how tonight, Shit For Brains DioGuardi looks like she just did a walk of shame to the studio? She was probably doing naughty things to Quatto The Mole after his appearance on today’s Ellen.

Kara DioGuardi looks like she just did the walk of shame

Ok. I like bald heads. However, Daughtry, you really need to lose that MEGA-DOUCHEBAG facial hair. You shilling for Coca Cola now, too? Because that looks like it was inspired by a Coke can.

Chris Daughtry's douchebag facial hair

Jesus christ, can we hurry this shit show up? Knowing HBD is safe, well, this inevitably means La Princesa will be going home, proving once again, you cannot frak with the voting power of the all-mighty frauen. Or the crazy evangelicals. Or both.

Yeah, unlimited texting, an extra cell, and a landline are my friends. And my kids and husband are getting used to me snarling, “Get away from me if you’re not going to help me vote, damn it!” on Tuesday nights.

Yo, Hot By Default. Since you’re sticking around another week, stop shopping with fraking Gokeyoke.

Kris Allen is safe but wearing a bad shirt

Obviously, Lambert is safe. Because we have to create faux-suspense. And the inevitable…awwww…look how sad Kradam looks. What forlorn clapping.

Adam Lambert and Kris Allen are sad because La Princesa is leaving

You know something? I never saw Kelly Clarkson on here, so besides Nadia Turner and Megan Joy, I’m gonna have to say La Princesa is my favorite female singer they’ve ever had on this show. Little girl can sing. And I will totally buy her goddamn album, which will now be good because Idol people won’t be producing it.

EGAD.

Danny Gokey can't have food fights with La Princesa anymore

Jesus christ, this chick has such an amazing voice. She could beat the shit out of Farmbot Underwood any day.

Love you, La Princesa del Mariachi.

Allison Iraheta will always be my La Princesa del Mariachi

Now can someone please help me find this dude?

Where are you MC Skat Kat??

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. May 10, 2009 8:17 pm

    i miss mc skat kat and the stray mob! where on earth is he?!?!?!?!

  2. bec permalink
    May 8, 2009 2:22 am

    haha bless you :p

  3. bec permalink
    May 8, 2009 1:09 am

    he wasn’t smirking during her swan song, i truly think he felt proud for her at that moment, cos she was singing her ass off! (so jealous of her talent…) i really like danny and kind of feel like i need to stick up for the poor guy.

  4. Ema permalink
    May 7, 2009 6:18 pm

    According to Rickey Minor, Adam was crying harder than Allison last night when she was eliminated, and Kris was acting like he was about to be sick. And how does Gokey react to La Princesa leaving? He gives us that smug grin during her swan song.

    Danny, I am loving seeing all the hate for you right now. You totally deserve it.

  5. Sane Jason Fan permalink
    May 7, 2009 4:05 pm

    Other than Glambert, La Princessa was the only other exciting contestant. I’m sorry to see her go as it makes things a little less fun. If Lord Gaga doesn’t make the finale now I don’t think I’ll watch. I don’t feel like lapsing into a coma while watching Kris and the Gokester try to out-vanilla each other.

    Hokey Gokey must have some fan base to make the top three after the worst performance I’ve ever seen by a contestant who could actually win. And why was Simon glaring like that when Gokey was put into the top 3? He’s on record as saying he wants Hokey in the finale and all the judges gave him a pass on his imitation of someone getting their hand slammed in a car door.

    Good bye for now La Princessa. Fare ye well.

  6. Maree permalink
    May 7, 2009 2:35 pm

    Hang on, what is that smarmy little grin on Gokey’s face in that last picture? Is that after they shitcanned La P? Is it, TI?
    BASTARD!!

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 7, 2009 2:58 pm

      That was him watching her perform. Excellent closeup, Idol camera people, excellent.

  7. May 7, 2009 8:23 am

    I LOVE your blogs! I’m (Oh, God) 69 and one of those Glamberts (#1291). I can’t believe I actually joined the My I Community. And, I’m writing again–poetry and blogs. Totally humilating. All for ADAM! I’ve totally regressed to my teens. This can’t be good. My one redeeming value is: I LOVE your blogs!! Oops, this old Grannie has a few memory lapses . . . What will save my soul? I confess that, as much as I loved and adored him, I did not scream at the Elvis concert I attended in 1956. Save me.

  8. May 7, 2009 2:51 am

    DAUGHTRY DAUGHTRY DAUGHTRYYY!
    I LURVE that man’s voice. But his songs are a little bit on the lame side b/c he writes them from zero experience and this latest song is kinda suckish b/c Chad Kroeger of the bland, er, band Nickelback co-wrote it. Therefore, I’ve heard it a thousand times.
    And I found it quite difficult to be a fantard of his b/c all the other fantards are in the age range of Gokeyoke’s cougars. So I just admire from afar and am late on the news.
    You totally did not want to know that.

  9. Maree permalink
    May 7, 2009 1:25 am

    Fare thee well, La P. At least 19E won’t be riding her as hard as they woulda if she’d won.

  10. May 7, 2009 12:44 am

    Gokeyoke has a sense of humor?

    Nope.

    This is called I’m Just Here For The Music.

    Not according to Paula herself, on Twatter

    PaulaAbdul If you liked what you heard tonight. Go to http://www.paulaabdul.com to download my new single ” I’m just hear for the music”. Love u guys. xoxo

    She’s a bit dumb. XO and all.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 7, 2009 1:54 am

      NO WAY. HA HA HA HA HA.

      Oh, Paula. Paula Paula Paula Paula.

      Live! Love! Dance! Misspell! xxoo TopIdol

  11. deez permalink
    May 7, 2009 12:29 am

    “EGAD” is right, please never use that pic again (i’ve sort of built up an immunity to the Quatto portrait…but I’m pretty sure there is no Salk-Sabin for that crap). Did you notice the skip-over HBD did with Gokey during his safety hugfest? Maybe the Enquirer needs to get back out to the manor….hmmmmmmmmm.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 7, 2009 12:34 am

      Oooh. I may have to go back and look. Did I delete it yet?

      I loved it when Allison shoved Gokeyoke. And how sad HBD and Lambert looked when she was eliminated. 😦

      • Maree permalink
        May 7, 2009 1:23 am

        I love how tight those three are. She and Lambert obviously adore each thoer. Warms my cynical little heart.

  12. unravel permalink
    May 7, 2009 12:04 am

    Fraus must love that Ford commercial with the Flat Idols!

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 7, 2009 12:17 am

      They needed to be on sticks. Then it would have been perfect. I just found it weird and dumb.

      But I found a whole site of Idol paper dolls, too, once. Piss shivers.

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