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Vote for the dudes man enough to wear blue nail polish: American Idol Top 3

May 12, 2009

Wow. This is the second to last week of Idol-recapping. I must admit, I am a tiny bit sad. Shhhh. Don’t tell ANYONE.

Simon is wearing is best-ever undershit tonight and Randy is going a bit understated, looking a bit less like Lamar Latrell this week.

Videos of the contestants’ homecomings…crowd shots…and let’s start with Gokeyoke, while I wonder why the contestants did not receive iPhones from AT&T.

Whatever happened to Terrance Trent D’Arby, anyway? I feel like Lenny Kravitz kind of took over his schtick.

Danny Gokey
Dance Little Sister

Upon watching the video of this song over at Idolator, I decided it was Paula truly giving a gift, as there is really no way Gokeyoke could frak this up. His voice is somewhat D’Arby-like and the song is full of “soulful” bombast and doo-da-doo-das, Gokeyoke’s speciality.

Dance like a chicken. Doo-doo-do.

Danny Gokey does a chicken dance

This is completely servicable, in a sound-alike competition. I’m sure the judges will praise it as original and risk-taking…with SWAGGER. Of course, I firmly believe passable singing and shit dance moves does not an artist make. And yelling in tune doesn’t make for good music all the time either.

Randy calls it dope, because Randy’s vocabulary maxes out at about 10 words. Shit For Brains criticizes his dancing, Paula thinks he did really good. For chrissake, can someone just bang Paula? That could solve everything.

Some punching or some other nonsense goes on at the judge’s table. Simon, you bang Paula. Just get it over with. Get that woman laid. Everyone’s feeling the romance tonight, even Gokey and Seacrest.

Danny Gokey loves Ryan Seacrest

I have no idea what is going on. Commercial break, then yay! Hot By Default!

Kris Allen

Oh I love it. First off, Kara was on the bill with Randy for choosing a song. HA. Because you guys both suck and no one cares about your opinion. And secondly, did Hot By Default dip into Lambert’s cosmetic bag? Because this shit was filmed on Friday, before they shoot the Ford commercial, so…HA.

Kris Allen sports Adam Lambert's nail polish

And would someone tell me why they didn’t get iPhones? I’m still perplexed.

Hot By Default takes to the piano. Somewhere in Michigan or on a press tour in NYC, Quatto the Mole is PISSED.

I miss Matt Giraud's Mole, don't you? Quatto the Mole misses YOU.

The arrangement isn’t different from the original, but I’m still not sure how much you can do with this song. Did you know Hot By Default also plays the viola? I used to play the viola, so you know, that’s cool. The viola is an awesome instrument, much like Hot By Default, it gets no love. As per usual, Hot By Default is good and obviously “feels” the music.

Kris Allen sings Apologize, which should be retired from Idol

And of course, his Cream of Wheat Homecoming Queen Wife looks soooo dull. And I still swear she is wearing baby doll dresses in order to create a tabloid buzz about one of those goddamn baby bumps. Yawn.

Kris Allen's wife and his parents

Here’s what I love about you…

Groan. Change his chip, goddammit!!

At this stage, you have to hit it out of the park…

Shit For Brains DioGuardi, you’re a twat.

You can’t choose a song for him, and then blame him for doing the song.

YES! Simon’s gonna knock her teeth out. AWESOME!! DO IT!

You’re gonna tell me about interpreting songs? Have you ever interpreted a song in your life? No, I don’t think so.

Shit For Brains is such a goddamn twat. Hilarious. I can’t believe Simon is defending HBD. Shit For Brains? Did it ever occur to you he might be doing acoustic guitar on his second song?

And interpreting a song? She knows about this sort of thing? The same woman who wrote some schlock called Red High Heels for Katharine fraking McPhee?

Lambert’s shirt…hmmm…I had jeans just like that purchased from Bebe in 2000. Back in my club days. Ok, well not quite, but kind of. And they were purple and sparkly, so I guess they’re not too much like them, but that’s what I thought of.

Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert's blue nail polishKradam fans, rejoice! Write your sicko fan fic about HBD and Glambert having a slumber party with pillow fights and manicures in the Idol Manse! I will have to agree with Simon about One being an amazing song, but I didn’t feel that way until hearing the incredible duet version between Bono and Mary J. Blige. That just took the original to an entirely new level.

I’m not feeling Lambert’s version yet, it sounds kind of…well, I’m just used to the duet version mentioned above. While I appreciate the interpretation, I…well, this feels like something you would hear on the Jerry’s Kids Telethon.

Honestly, I would venture to say that’s the weakest Lambert performance to date.

Awwww…Lambert’s dad is moved to tears. And someone in the back is apparently in town from Boston or Chicago, which is the only explanation for their “clever” homemade signage.

Adam Lambert's dad is moved to tears

You’re definitely still in the zone.

For chrissake already, change out his muthafraking chip.

Adam Lambert is taller than Ryan Seacrest

I’m now listening to the Mary J. Blige / U2 version because I soooo did not care for that brilliant brilliant performance. Perhaps its because after you’ve heard this as a duet, you realize how much better it works with two people over One. Ironic, huh? (Now it would have been a KILLER La Princesa-Lambert duet, perhaps.)

Do I think Lambert deserves to go to the finale? Of course. He’s talented. But I just…he sometimes bores me in the same way that Gokey does, although I know he’s super talented. I just feel like I’m starting to always know what I’m going to see when he comes out on stage? Come on…anyone else with me?

Idol Gives Back update with Carrie Underwood (AKA Filler)

Ugh. I hate Carrie Underwood. And doesn’t this seem a lot like filler since there was no Idol Gives Back this year? Some hip-hop version of Toto’s Africa is playing though, which makes me happy, because I totally made up a dance to Africa in college. Not like a dance-dance, but like one you can do to the chorus when you’re sitting in the car. It’s fraking awesome.

For some reason, I just can’t take Underwood seriously when she asks a family if they’ve ever had malaria and they reply no, and she earnestly says:

Good. The mosquito net is working.

Like…I will totally chip in for some mosquito nets to prevent the spread of malaria in Africa, but there is something so damn robotic about Ms. Underwood that she can’t move me to even want to pay attention to her segment. Bring back Annie Lennox, dammit! That goddess had me in tears with my debit card out dialing that (800) number last year.

Danny Gokey
You Are So Beautiful

String quartet. Guitarist. I really hate this song, but whatevia. I’m a bit buoyed by the fact we’ve gotten through about 30 seconds and Gokeyoke hasn’t started yelling. I am, I really am, however, it’s hard to not sound like a wedding singer on one of the definitive wedding songs.

Oh, here he goes with the yelling-upon-the-pulpit! A bit more restrained than usual, swaybots are swaying…big note. Damn. Soft ending. Damn you, Gokeyoke! I wanted you to reprise the homicidal scream from last week.

You can really really really sing. Mad vocals, dude, mad vocals.

What happens when he combusts and starts sputtering nonsense? Oh crap, it may have been happening for awhile now. Just download the critical update into that man. Pronto.

Shit for Brains looks like a moron. Paula fawns all over him. Why does Paula want Gokey so badly? Simon thinks it didn’t need rearranging, but still calls it a vocal master class.

Danny Gokey after singing "You Are So Beautiful"

Yawn. I am sooooo bored. Gokey says he came out there with a fresh mind and a fresh heart. I’m just thankful Pastor Rolex wasn’t in the audience, although I’m bet he’s uber-pissed that AI Ministries chick had one of the Gokey tickets.

Kris Allen

I was looking forward to this one more than any other performance. I totally admit it. Once again, Hot By Default Cannon Fodder does something really, really fraking cool. Like I might listen to the studio version to see if I like it…and buy it. I haven’t bought one Idol song this entire season.

Kris Allen sings "Heartless"

I want to believe he’s drawn inspiration for the song from the M.R.S., no, not because I have sick & twisted fantasies about an attractive 23-year-old Christian boy from Arkansas, but because that little blond girl just seems sooooo dull. And they’re soooo young. And I just want him to go out and get corrupted and get drunk and do all sorts of fun things with his newfound fame. Even wear Adam Lambert’s blue nail polish. Because I am a caring person, that’s why.

The Fray did this song? I had no clue. But Randy liked it better than The Fray. Or even Kayne West.

Why didn’t you do that with Apologize?

Why are you such a dumb bitch? You think the guy wanted to come out there with an acoustic guitar TWICE in one night? To be ridiculed for doing the same thing twice? Shit For Brains, you suck.

I do agree with Simon about Apologize being a lame song. Because it is a lame song. Simon has no longer written him out of the competition! Does this make him want to eat his words from earlier today?

This could all be very interesting…because if Gokey goes home, HBD could end up winning it all. On the same token, if Adam goes home, Hot By Default will be crowned the American Idol.

See? If you’re a nice, humble Christian boy who does fun things with songs and totally rooms with a gay dude and doesn’t bring up your faith, good things can happen to you. If Adam goes home, all his fans and the Kradamites will throw you their vote. If Danny goes home, you get all the crazy fundie votes.

Adam Lambert

Please oh please oh please let someone make fun of Shit For Brains calling this early Aerosmith last week. Ok. The arrangement of this starts off TERRIBLY. Going from the first lyric into the chorus? Come on! I know they have to chop this shit for time, but that is taking out so much of this song’s awesomeness.

Adam Lambert sings Cryin'

Lambert can wail like the best of them. His octaves are insane. He’s talented. I think I say that about five times with each post, but this song isn’t doing it for me, either. I was definitely annoyed by the complete jump into the chorus from the opening line. And I still feel his performances are simply, well, performances. While he’s the most superior vocalist on the show, there is something always missing for me. While it was certainly better than One, I just…well, I’ve never been a fan of those who can hit huge notes. I think music is just a bit more than that, sorry. I think Lambert is very caberet. And its not that I dislike cabaret, I just don’t like it all the time.

The judges cream themselves. Nothing new. Everyone will see him in the final. And if he doesn’t make the final? He’ll still have one of the more successful careers out of any male Idol contestant even if he doesn’t win. Hands down. This guy is set.

Awww. Lambert plays nice guy and says how awesome HBD and Gokeyoke did. He is gracious. I buy his graciousness, and I always like seeing his family in the audience because I think they’re cute.

Wow. Tonight went by soooo fast, which is so unlike the standard weekly shit show. And by golly! We don’t know who is going home tomorrow!

Itsa nailbiter. Make sure yours are painted in blue. And when you think about voting, remember diversity! We only need one dude who believes in that whole Jesus-as-savior stuff for the finale. So choose wisely.

Get ready kids, tonight will bring ANOTHER TOPIDOL RECAP. Yeah, I know you’re soooo excited. Well, I am. Because my classically-trained vocalist/actor gaysian is coming over tonight and we’re doing a BONUS recap of tonight’s show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll have to sit through it again, but this time, it will be with someone who knows a lot more about singing than myself. See? I always aim for credibility.

27 Comments leave one →
  1. Sue permalink
    May 13, 2009 3:34 pm

    Love your blog. You’ve got that great mix of sarcasm, wit and cynicism, but it seems like you’re a softie underneath it all. You’re hilarious.

    One thing that slightly bugs though is how you use the term “fundies” to refer to Christians. Kris and Danny probably are getting a lot of the evangelical vote, but not all (probably not most- it’s a very broad category) evangelicals are fundamentalists, who are in their own niche. Most fundamentalists probably don’t watch American Idol, let alone vote. Seems like I’m splitting hairs, but I’d rather not be put in a category I don’t identify with just because I love me my Jesus. Kris does appear to be an evangelical, but not a “fundie” since he loves the Beatles and sings secular songs. Of course, you might not give a crap since it’s your blog, and clearly you have the right to use whatever terms you want.

    Meanwhile, if Gokey’s church is one of those health, wealth and prosperity types as you describe it to be – that’s a disturbing category of its own.

    I was totally head-over-heels on the Adam love train up to this point, but methinks that the fire is fading and Kris is slowly starting to overtake. I’m so afraid for tonight’s results show.

  2. May 13, 2009 12:28 pm

    HBD truly impressed me last night. i thinki was paying too much to Adam ad not giving enough thought to Kris, but now i am seeing what everyone has been saying. love that guy!

    blue nail polish FTW.

  3. Old Gringo permalink
    May 13, 2009 11:04 am

    PS, where did that random avatar come from? Looks like The Flying Spaghetti Monster. (Praise his name)

  4. Old Gringo permalink
    May 13, 2009 11:03 am

    Just to set the record straight, Kara may have written Open Toes for McPhee, but Red High Heels was definitely a Pickler song. Never having been a fan of the feeble attempt to ghettoize KM with such songs as that, I almost wish they could have switched shoe songs, except that would probably have been ludicrous as well. What WAS it with Idols and shoe songs that year? I think Mandisa had one as well.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 13, 2009 11:11 am

      Thanks Gringo!

      I wasn’t sure if I was right about that and well…the songs kind of seem like they would be one of the same, right?

  5. AIFan permalink
    May 13, 2009 10:54 am

    Yeah, Kris was good on “Heartless”, but he totally got the arrangement off of YouTube. The idols who have competed in recent seasons should give their daily thanks for YouTube – that’s one huge advantage they have over earlier seasons.

    • deez permalink
      May 13, 2009 11:53 am

      I suspected that as well, but I looked at youtube and his arrangement was quite different from the ones I saw. Which arrangement did you find? I think it’s pretty hard to come up with something all that different on the schedules these 3 had. But, yeah, if he did rip it off…he should’ve said so.

      • TopIdol permalink
        May 13, 2009 12:15 pm

        I had never heard of The Fray version, but I didn’t look anything up on YouTube or anything.

        • AIFan permalink
          May 13, 2009 6:46 pm

          I listened to the Fray’s version and it’s very similar to Kris’s. Also, Mia’s version sounds similar as well. I don’t blame Kris for perusing YouTube, just contemplating the fact that Idols in the era of YouTube have a distinct advantage over Idols from seasons past.

          • TopIdol permalink
            May 13, 2009 7:07 pm

            I think the similarities come in the stripping down. Some things, perhaps, you can’t avoid?

  6. NinjaTypist permalink
    May 13, 2009 9:42 am

    It just hit me. Doesn’t “Heartless” sound reminiscent of Kris’ performance of “She Works Hard for the Money?” Same style of guitar, same rambling from the original melody. I wondered why it sounded like I’d heard it before. But I’m glad everyone else seems to love his version. I hope it was enough to finally get Danny out of the competition.
    For weeks – ok, maybe the whole season – I’ve wondered how he just seems to keep coming back. He had a safe song choice last night. Unless you really cannot carry a tune, you really can’t mess up a song like “You Are So Beautiful.” No offense, but if Joe Cocker can sing a fantastic version, just about anyone can pull it off because Joe doesn’t have the smoothest or most melodic of voices, if you know what I mean.

    No hate mail please, I was just trying to make a point!

  7. Shayna permalink
    May 13, 2009 1:48 am

    P.S. You’re an IDIOT…Carrie is and will always be the best Idol ever. Jealous much?

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 13, 2009 2:15 am

      She might have a good voice, I just find her dull. I like her more now than when she was on the show, but there is still something faintly robotic about the girl.

      Of course, I would rather have her around any day over Pickler.

      • pillowfight permalink
        May 13, 2009 7:04 am

        Funny, because I was confronted tonight with a sudden feeling that Carrie reminds me vaguely of a blond Helen Marnie for some reason. They really don’t look much a like, but it struck me nonetheless. Something about her mannerisms and the shape of her face.

        “Faintly robotic”? Definitely fits the bill for Helen, though it’s less of an insult when applied to her.

  8. deez permalink
    May 13, 2009 1:07 am

    This is NOT GOOD for HBD. Absolutely NOTHING can be done about it either. (Copied from IDF):

    “I run the krisallenation fan site and numerous people approached me about. I myself have an alltel phone with a 501 area code and could not get a single call thru between 8:00 and 10:00. Numerous twitter accounts indicate others have experience the same issue. At least one Arkansas news station has acknowledged there was an issue.”

    He says Alltel blocked all calls for AI from Arkansas. Just when I was feeling confident………I think they are one of the largest SP’s in Ark. How does that even happen???

  9. Jackie permalink
    May 12, 2009 11:37 pm

    You’re right on the money tonight. Kris was the shizz.

  10. JHC permalink
    May 12, 2009 11:33 pm

    Danny f’d up last week, got through, Adam f’d up this week… can he too? I really just wanted to write a rhyme.

    IMO, it was #1 Kris, #2 Danny, #3 Adam (complete failure) for performances tonight.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 12, 2009 11:45 pm

      HA HA HA. I love how objective you have become.

  11. Jules permalink
    May 12, 2009 11:16 pm

    So there’s Kara, Kris’s wife and Carrie Underwood…do you have a thing against attractive women not named Megan Joy? I like Kris’s wife, she’s a sweetheart, and it’s nice to know that not all 23-year-old men are beer-guzzling fratboy cliches. Kara can be annoying, but she’s still more useful than Randy or Paula (on a bad day).

    That aside, I dig your recaps. Good stuff. No comedy goldmines in this particular one, but still pretty good.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 12, 2009 11:20 pm

      Ugh. No comedy goldmines? You’re right. I was sort of thinking the same thing as I wrote it. Was it me or was it just tonight?

      • Jules permalink
        May 12, 2009 11:37 pm

        It was the show, really. You’re great. Nothing noteworthy tonight (other than “Heartless” OMG). Although Simon’s massive mancrush on Adam is more and more hilarious every week.

        • TopIdol permalink
          May 12, 2009 11:44 pm

          Heartless was fraking incredible. Listening to it right now for the upcoming Pearl Cream recap!

          It was Adam’s worst night. It is really the most interesting Top 3 I’ve ever seen the few seasons I’ve watched this shit show, at least for tomorrow night’s elimination. Plus, the GROUP SING HELL will even be great b/c we can see Gokeyoke yell over everyone.

  12. SarahBeth permalink
    May 12, 2009 11:14 pm

    I thought Kris was brilliant. I liked what he did on Apologize with the chorus, not really going into his falsetto much, rather staying in full voice, and I LOVED Heartless. LOVED IT. Seriously. I wanted to smack Kara for being a bitch to him.

    I wasn’t wild about Cryin’ tonight either – I liked One (and the MJB version is fucking awesome)….I don’t know, Adam could be vulnerable too.

    Danny just needs to go home. Seriously.

    Loved that Simon basically stood up for Kris and yelled at Kara though – good for him.

  13. NinjaTypist permalink
    May 12, 2009 10:46 pm

    Love the blog. Hated tonight’s show. It may have just been my mood, but I was expecting more.

    • pillowfight permalink
      May 13, 2009 6:18 am

      I had secretly been hoping a stiff wind might come along and blow Gokey’s teleprompter away during “So Beautiful”, but it was not to be.

      “You arrrrre so byooo… GAH! …well, that’s all I got Los Angeles!”

  14. Ema permalink
    May 12, 2009 10:25 pm

    I’m a huge Adam fan, but I didn’t like either song tonight, although the beginning of “One” was beautiful. Kris’s “Heartless” won the night easily… I hope he’s in the finals.

    Carrie’s “Have you ever had malaria?” bit was hilariously awkward. Best part of the show.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 12, 2009 11:47 pm

      Good. The mosquito nets are working.

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