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Jesus loves men who wear blue nail polish (Told you so.)

May 13, 2009

I’m kind of scared because tonight is oh, the first ever episode of Idol I’ve really, really, really wanted to see.

I mean, how often do we get to see who Jesus loves more on prime time network TV?

Part of me is certain Hot By Default will make it to the finale. Why I feel this way? No idea, because I can’t explain it. I can also see Adam Lambert going home in the ultimate Idol shocker. And if he does, will you really be concerned? He would still have a more successful career than most former Idol contestants.

But dare I say…I’m actually interested in tonight’s show. I pretty much feign it on all other occasions. Wait. Who am I kidding? I’ve never pretended to love this show. Christ, on at least one Saturday per year, I nurse a hangover with a McDonald’s Extra Value Meal and 12 hours of the Lifetime Movie Network. And I sure as hell don’t enjoy that shit.

I’m sure tonight’s shit show will be long…drug out beyond a Season 7 Paula. So very predictable, yet, seriously, who will go home?

Ok. What the hell is Ben Stiller here? And Bill Hader? Hank Azaria? Jonah Hill?

Ohhhh…I see! Shameless product plug for that Night at the Museum sequel. This is already getting off to a bad start. Whenever they do those bullshit movie tie-ins, it is never ever good. And it’s especially not good for the movie? Haven’t all the ones they’ve pimped as of late bombed? The Love Guru, anyone?

Kevin Bacon is in the audience? As are a bunch of tweens they placed there so people think kiddies like Idol. And yay! Paula looks like she just got off the day shift at Miss Kitty’s Saloon!

88 million votes were cast last night, with only 1 million separating the top 2. Even with 88 million, 1 still seems like kind of a lot. I mean, it is a million.

And all the eliminated contestants are in the audience! Because they have to rehearse for next week! They even let Malnourished Casper Twat back into the building.

Ford Commercial Lameosity

Why oh why did you bastards make Gokeyoke pretend as if he was parting the fraking Red Sea? Why is this sort of behavior encouraged? Huh? I WANT TO KNOW.

Danny Gokey wants to part the Red Sea

Idol continues to milk Idol Gives Back, although they didn’t bother doing it this year. So they let Alicia Keys come on and talk about Africa, but I’ll give Keys credit for being a better Save Africa talking head than Carrie “The Mosquito Nets are Working” Underwood. And Ms. Keys is just so damn pretty, even if she did give the world that dreadful Fallin song.

Cute little kid from Rwanda sings on American Idol

An adorable imp from Rwanda learned enough English in the past week to sing a song. And his leather jacket is so adorable, even if he’s wearing his shoes a la Zack Morris. QUICK! Hide this child from Madonna. Oh, Idol, you sneaky bastards. I totally see what you’re doing now. You’re using this sweet child as a way to lure the Kabbalah Queen onto the show as a mentor for next season.

If you come on the show and mentor the Top 8 in Season 9, we’ll give you a little black boy. Straight from Rwanda. It’s not Malawai, but it’s still Africa. And he’s still black. It’s all taken care of. No questions asked. Do we have a deal?

I don’t know how much experience the kid has, but he’s got better stage presence than Danny Gokey.

Speaking of Danny Gokey, of for frak’s sake, if he is safe, I might cry.

LOOK! LOOK! It’s our BFF in the audience AGAIN this week! Remember her from when I was waiting in line? And no one in her section appears to be amused by her stenciling.

The Crazy Danny Gokey Cougar is at Idol AGAIN!

Oh no…Milwaukee footage. Set to Muse. Please, please, please no Pastor Rolex. And there isn’t any…yet…but there is a woman thanking him while sobbing profusely.

Crazy Danny Gokey Fan in Milwaukee

(I’ve never understood sobbing when meeting someone famous or semi-famous. Unless they ran over my foot or something. Hell, I get misty eyed at the end of Terminator 2 but not for this shit.)

Jamar Rogers is there, and Gokeyoke is really happy to see him, although he totally copped to ignoring the guy’s calls on local TV.

HOLY FUCK. WHAT IS THIS SHIT? And people think I am bizarre for being fascinated by the Idol fantards???

Some lunatic in sequins and plaid chases Danny Gokey

Some little girl says why she loves Danny Gokey.

He’s cute. He has good glasses and he lives in Milwaukee.

Ok. She’s a mere child, so I’ll cut her some slack, but her parents should really be teaching her the fundamentals of voting upon merit, even for a shit like American Idol.

Granted, seeing Gokeyoke tear up by his cheering section may be the most endearing I’ve ever seen him. But why oh why can’t I ever get a key to a goddamn city. Seriously? Someone please find me a city willing to give me a fraking key.

I love the fact the Fox affiliate put eyeglasses on the generic signs they handed out, not to mention this homemade sign with creepy swollen hands making the shape of a heart.

More creepy Danny Gokey signs

Yes, Seacrest. The lady in the pink plaid pants is on the edge of her seat. But I really hope she’s sitting there in a straitjacket.

Ok, that’s bullshit. Sending him back to the sofa? Dragging this nonsense out. How predictable.

Hot By Default went home and got to go to his favorite restaurant, which has promised him free cheese dip for life. Another reason to like Hot By Default. If you ever get to hang out with him, you can get free cheese dip. Who the frak doesn’t like cheese dip?

I’ve actually been to Little Rock. They have a great Chinese restaurant. It’s owned by some buddies of Bill & Hilary, and you know, they get the good shit.

I’m like, kind of moved by HBD hugging his father. And his parents watching him sing Falling Slowly backstage. They don’t seem like grifting Idol parents. I soooo hope I’m dead on with this observation.

Kris Allen's parents are so proud of him

Come on, Idol! Is his wife a contestant? Why does she get to ride with him in the parade? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I dog on his wife a lot but she doesn’t look like someone you could trust. You can tell she’s a big fan of that Kate whatever-her-name is with the sad husband, eight kids and the show on TLC.

They let Kris Allen's wife ride with him

Dude. There are septugarians clad in pink & green, pageant sashes, and neon green wigs holding up signs saying such things as Toadly Kris. WTF??

Toadly Kris? WTF?

He gets a key to the city, too! Damn him! I want a key to the city.

Ok. There! PROOF M.R.S. Allen sucks. Yeah, I would be pissed cameras were all up on my grill, too, but they’re getting a sweet little don’t cry momma moment between your husband and your mother-in-law and you have the audacity to look like a total slag? Don’t you care what the evil bloggers might say? You disrespecting your in-laws, woman! They’re your family, too!

Kris Allen's wife gives more bitch face

Awww, HBD’s dad is crying in the audience, too. Hell, I become kind of soft and mushy when I see that shit, I admit it. Just like when Lambert’s dad was all misty last night.

They best send HBD back to the sofa, or…send him to safety. Come on! And of course, he would be sent back to the sofa. Oh no, keep Lambert in back. Save him to last. Make us all listen to some pre-taped Jordin Sparks, who well, I don’t what she’s singing unless its No Air. And since the dude she sang it with beat up his girlfriend, I doubt we’ll be seeing any No Air anytime soon. And I am sooo over this One Republic dude. Oh, and this Battlefield will most likely be no Love is a Battlefield, so don’t even try, sweetheart, don’t even try.

Ok. Some of Jordin Sparks’ songs are kind of…listenable. I never even saw her sing on the show, but wait. Did you notice her ring? I bet they wouldn’t let you board a plane with that shit in your carry-on. Hell, that’s like box cutter jewelry.

Jordin Sparks ring could kill you

Anyway, it looks like she’s lost a little weight. The kid looks good, and the song is cookie-cutter good. I’m sure I would turn it up if I was driving around aimlessly. JESUS CHRIST. That ring must double as a ninja throwing star.

Jordin Sparks cannot take that ring in her carry-on

They finally let Lambert come out from backstage. I hope they show that topless chick bumrushing him in San Diego, although after seeing the sequined-and-plaid lady, that shit ain’t nothing.

Damn. No streaker footage. Prime time family programming sucks. And hello? Remember how last season (and even this one, too?), Idol proclaimed itself to be all “green” and shit? Like they started using a different lightbulb or something. Well then, why the frak would you FLY this guy via private jet to SAN DIEGO from LOS ANGELES? This the part where I tell you to shove your carbon footprint up your own ass.

Even the local news anchors are tarding over Lambert. And he is rather charming, but hey, he’s got experience. And does anyone else think its sad they all had to go to strip mall hell for some AT&T product placement?

Yup, Lambert, as an Idol star, its not always going to be like your nights at Slash Fiction. It’s going to be more like this:

Crazy Adam Lambert fans

(And I sure as hell don’t want to know what comes after the word BITE on that sign.)

Lambert doesn’t get a key to the city, but the theater kids at the MET love him. And I actually find it kind of sweet…because sometimes I’m a sucker for the subtleties. And now he’s going back to high school! See? It is imperative to surround him with as many young people as possible so he doesn’t know what’s really in store for him once the tour begins.

And then FINALLY, Lambert gets a key to the city from the Mayor of San Diego. Damn you, Lambert! Where is my key?

Then they send him to a marine base, which makes sense, since San Diego has more military personnel than any other U.S. city, I believe. And he sings the national anthem.

How ironic. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.

Ok. So if they send him to safety…that means it really IS up to Jesus to decide who he likes better. Oh Jesus, please don’t let us down. But first…he’s going to the sofa so Katy Perry can come out and sing. I bet Jesus is as bored and annoyed as you are right now. Just saying…

Katy Perry is actually performing live. But Gokey whispers to Seacrest during the commercial break, because you know, he does a lot of that. Lambert doesn’t care! He just wants to see Katy Perry! She’s dressed in late-model Elvis, sans pants. I suspect she is trying to be Middle America’s Lady GaGa. Hello? Waking Up in Vegas? With slot machines? GaGa does Poker Face. Neither likes to wear pants.

I don’t dislike Katy Perry, however, if I hear I Kissed A Girl one more time…

Katy Perry on American Idol

Finally. Let’s get this over with. But not before we see Kevin Bacon one last time.

Kevin Bacon in the Idol audience

The first person competing…

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

OMG YES YES YES YES YES

Screw you all. That was not tarding. That was giving credit where credit was finally fraking DUE.

Shit. Lambert is worried. Now I’m kind of worried. Because I wanted to find out THIS week who Jesus liked better between the laid-back unassuming musician boy vs. bombastic prosperity gospel convert. Don’t make me wait another SEVEN DAYS! I mean, didn’t your dad create everything in seven days, but I still have to wait that long to find out who Jesus prefers if Gokeyoke makes it?

Adam Lambert is scared

Shit For Brains is scared! (So are the others, but she looks like a twat even when scared.)

Kara DioGuardi is still annoying even when scared

YES YES YES

THERE IS JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD. Well, maybe sometimes. Not often, but sometimes…

There are all the fallen contestants. Look at Casper! She was seated next to Mole Boy & Quatto (OBVIOUSLY) and they are wearing matching hats! Casper is wearing something ridiculously white trashy, while Megan Joy stands next to her, a glowing, cawing goddess.

Fallen American Idol contestants cheer

Although Paula wanted that Gokeyoke-Lambert finale, she sucks it up. And shows off more amazing designs from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection.

Paula is nervous...but she still shows off her Paula Abdul Jewelry

Tonight, I sort of feel America did the right thing. I haven’t felt this way since November, but you know, that was a lot more important and this feeling will wear off shortly. It’s still a shit show. It’s not like oh, a presidential election, but its one of those things that happen oh-so rarely that give you a teeny tiny bit of hope in all those sheeple.

I’m happy people actually managed to get it right this time. And La Princesa, she’ll be just fine, too.

Oh, and one more thing. Sorry. Just remembered. To all those ladies I met while on the Big Fraking Idol Adventure, HA HA HA.

Told you so.

Jesus Loves You more than Danny Gokey

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32 Comments leave one →
  1. Joey permalink
    May 17, 2009 11:44 pm

    Those septugarians are Sweet Potato Queens. Learn all about em’ here http://www.sweetpotatoqueens.com

  2. SpinningFasterAndFasterToNowhere permalink
    May 15, 2009 9:21 am

    It’s true there is a photo of them sitting together comparing thumbs.

    Who in the hell was that old mental patient shoving her face right up to Adam’s limo window? Then they showed her with tweens running along the his limo like a kook.

    I loved seeing Kara’s face when Gokey got the boot…lol She just couldn’t believe it…lol

    booyah!

  3. Emme permalink
    May 14, 2009 8:47 pm

    Couldn’t be more thrilled that it’s Adam and Kris in the finale, though my intense dislike for Danny seems to have evaporated with his booting – weird. I think of Danny and feel…nothing.
    Still want Adam to win though – he’s brought excitement and incredible performances to this show all season and has totally earned this win!!

  4. deez permalink
    May 14, 2009 8:28 pm

    The story of the thumb
    from Krisallenation:

    “A Beautiful Kradam Story:
    This story was shared by a friend of the Allen Family who attended the rehearsals this week in LA!

    Did you notice Kris had his thumbnail repainted? Can you guess who painted it? That’s right! Adam Lambert! Kris performed during Rock week with a painted thumbnail, and his homecoming footage captured the chipped polish. Tuesday night, however, Kris performed one of the best performances of the night (and the season, might I add) with a freshly painted thumbnail.
    According to Megan Malone, Adam painted Kris’s thumbnail after the homecoming visits and removed the polish from one of his own nails, stating “If you can carry around a piece of me, man; I can do the same for you.” Malone said, “The Allens believe Kris wears the black fingernail polish in support of Adam because he wanted Adam in the finale. Also, Kris wanted to dispel any rumors claiming the two weren’t great friends.” Kris and Adam were roommates in the Idol Mansion throughout their stay.
    Thanks Megan for sharing the sweet story!”

    Kradam. Yes. I wonder if they’ve seen the scary fanfic?

    • AIFan permalink
      May 14, 2009 8:42 pm

      Is that a true story or some lame Kradam fiction ?

      • deez permalink
        May 14, 2009 9:08 pm

        real

        • AIFan permalink
          May 14, 2009 10:09 pm

          The Kradam tards are going to piss in their Depends when they hear that story.

        • TopIdol permalink
          May 14, 2009 11:19 pm

          I just made a new post, thanking the awesome Deez. Heh heh heh…

          Must learn more about this Operation Ding Dong, too.

  5. vorona permalink
    May 14, 2009 1:37 pm

    I’m with you on that expression. Pow!

    And, regarding the nail polish, wonder twin powers activate:

    • deez permalink
      May 14, 2009 7:20 pm

      I wonder what Danny painted? He seems uninvolved (or something).

  6. Jules permalink
    May 14, 2009 12:53 pm

    Eh, I still think Kris’s wife is a sweet girl. I don’t want to resort to the “jus’ jellus” cop-out, but between this and your “What a shame, right?” comment in the last post…ah, you know. But hey, crushing on HBD is nothing to be ashamed about! It happens sometimes. It’s okay. 😀

    But here’s my case for Katy/Kris: they’ve been together 7 years! They still really like each other! Tons of chicks are hot for her husband and she’s handled it remarkably well. I saw an interview of her and she’s very articulate. She moved to LA temporarily so she could see him often. And she has perfect hair.

    Also, since I work in an office with men who brag about cheating on their wives, it’s nice for someone like me to know that there are still good guys like Kris out there, and I really hope their marriage works out.

    Ugh, I’m rambling, sorry about that. I feel weirdly protective of the both of them, and their marriage. (I may or may not make an exception if it turns out that he and Adam are at it like rabbits behind closed doors. But only because Adam > Katy.)

    But I won’t rag on your Kara hate-on this time, because I’ve finally decided to jump aboard the Kara hate train since her atroshe behavior during performance night. Holy FSM, is she 12?

    In other news: Aww, no mention of Katy’s cape emblazoned with “Adam Lambert”? I thought that was total LOL.

    And I’m glad you squared off with Danny Cougar that one time, because I really want to take that sign, roll it up and bash her stupid fedora’d head in with it (what kind of douchenozzle wears fedoras indoors? At least Matt had a good excuse). In the meantime, I will imagine her reaction to Danny’s well-deserved, long overdue ouster, and smile serenely.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 14, 2009 1:07 pm

      Jules, what is so sad is that the only 2 other people I know who went to Idol tapings this year remembered her when I posted those photos. I don’t think she missed a show, so when I saw her tell-tale stencils-on-pink last night, I nearly pissed myself.

      And I was typing away during the Adam Lambert cape, and trying to FF stuff to get to the results b/c I was behind. Sometimes, I simply miss stuff like that while doing the blog. What? Am I supposed to re-watch the show again? 🙂

      I still think the wife was giving more bitchface, but I am truly horrified for her after seeing how she has been the number one search term to get to my blog over the past few days. She’s just the guy’s wife, ya know? What are these people trying to find out? So while I do give her hell, I honestly do think the poor kid has no idea what’s in store for her.

      I bet Mentos Mom #2 is pissed this morning. Waaaaa. But to all those women who looked at me like I had 2 heads for suggesting such a finale, heh heh heh.

      • deez permalink
        May 14, 2009 7:25 pm

        Mentos Mom #2 can still make use of her signs as she will undoubtedly stalk Gokey from coast to coast this summer.

        I admit that I watch this show like clockwork, and feel strangely drawn to read message boards and (awesome) blogs…but if these guys showed up to play a concert at my neighbors house, I doubt I’d walk over there. (I would peek out the window though)

  7. May 14, 2009 9:55 am

    speaking of fantards, i literally lol-ed at this:

    http://www.krisallenation.com/2009/05/represent-kris-contest-winner-melenie.html

    now, i love kris but that’s obnoxious. i’m just as surprised as she is that hundreds of HBD fans aren’t coming to these parties…

  8. AIFan permalink
    May 14, 2009 12:55 am

    I predict that HBD’s wife will live to regret the day he went on Idol because he is about to discover that you really can have sex without being married.

    And Jordin wearing a purity ring while dressed like a slut – that’s too much cognitive dissonance to deal with.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 14, 2009 1:09 am

      I predict that HBD’s wife will live to regret the day he went on Idol because he is about to discover that you really can have sex without being married.

      HA HA HA HA HA. Beauty.

      • deez permalink
        May 14, 2009 1:25 am

        Somehow he gives off the vibe that maybe he’s not quite opposed to a little “fun”, you know what they say about the quiet ones.

        Yep, wife has probably already started checking the pockets.

        • pillowfight permalink
          May 14, 2009 6:26 am

          I don’t buy it. This guy is as vanilla in the sack as the day is long. It’s even possible that they “waited until marriage”, which would be part of the impetus for marrying straight out of college. You’re probably as or more likely to land a little heterosexual fun with Adam than Kris.

  9. May 14, 2009 12:31 am

    Color me stunned. I was expecting Adam to be the one going home. Dis all you want – but this fan girl loves her some Adam (with or without crackers). I can’t wait till he’s out from under the Idol thumb and can glam it up all he likes. Say what you want about Bowie – he was fun to both look at and listen to. I’m up for that.

    Interesting that Ryan said there was less than a million votes separating the top two (which I’m guessing were Adam and Danny). That means it all came down to the casual voters (AKA Mentos moms 1 – 3). Maybe # 3 really was bored by Gokey. Maybe she wanted a little zing in her life. Maybe she hides all her erotica next to the rabbit in her lingerie drawer. You never know.

    BTW – I loved Katy Parry’s little Elvis shout out to Adam. At least she’s got a sense of humor. Jordan Sparks…..not so much (either humor, fun or sense).

  10. deez permalink
    May 14, 2009 12:22 am

    I feel a little sad, The Gokester has left a hate-shaped hole in my heart.

    Whatever will I bitch about now?

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 14, 2009 12:28 am

      All the contestants will be back for the finale next week! There will be plenty to bitch about. Like when they’re doing group sing nonsense and Gokey’s clumsy dance moves cause him to trip over Lil Rounds and she subsequently loses her weave.

  11. May 14, 2009 12:20 am

    What’s up with beard wife in that family shot? Did she just get the news that even if they are married, she doesn’t get anything from gayboi in the divorce?

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 14, 2009 12:27 am

      He’s not gay. All frat boys act like that in those photos. Even Insane agrees 🙂

      Evangelicals often get married young so they can have sex. If they just knew it was okay to do it without putting a ring on it.

      But I so adore her bitch face. It’s hilarious. Just like the 748 hits I had yesterday for the term “Kris Allen Wife”.

      • May 14, 2009 12:51 am

        He goes to Pray the Gai Away CAMP. And now is in a gaudy mansion with his BF. Nuff said.

  12. May 14, 2009 12:10 am

    Crying frauen makes my black heart smile.

    Skeery old trannies FTW!

  13. pinky permalink
    May 13, 2009 11:50 pm

    The Toad thing….Conway, AR is home to the Toad Suck Festival. Don’t ask…I have no idea of the story behind that shit. But I remember from working there that it was one of the first events that occured after I arrived. That’s when I knew I was in a different world.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 13, 2009 11:53 pm

      YES YES YES! Pinky is here! I gave you a semi-shout out when I said I’ve been to Little Rock. What was the name of that Chinese restaurant? And what was the gay club where we saw them do MISS GAY ARKANSAS (Yes, Arkansan drag queens.)

  14. Maree permalink
    May 13, 2009 11:47 pm

    I’m so freakin’ relieved. Here’s hoping Glambert pulls it out. Oh, and HBD’s parents must be awesome people, c’mon. Just look at their kid.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 13, 2009 11:48 pm

      Was I imagining the bitch face on the daughter-in-law? Me thinks not.

      Yeah, his parents seem cool. Hope they’re better than say, oh, Stoner J’s family 🙂

  15. May 13, 2009 11:45 pm

    Re: the “Toadly Kris” sign – I think it refers to Toad Suck, AK (it’s near Conway; Conway hosted “Toad Suck Daze” at the beginning of May). Just a guess.

    http://www.toadsuck.org

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 13, 2009 11:47 pm

      Thanks, TT!

      Upon reading that, it totally makes sense. Tell me, are those costumes common in Toad Suck? And none of this involves people licking toads, does it?

  16. May 13, 2009 11:26 pm

    ha ha ha ha hahahahahahahaha. im so happy yay!

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