Jesus loves men who wear blue nail polish (Told you so.)
I’m kind of scared because tonight is oh, the first ever episode of Idol I’ve really, really, really wanted to see.
I mean, how often do we get to see who Jesus loves more on prime time network TV?
Part of me is certain Hot By Default will make it to the finale. Why I feel this way? No idea, because I can’t explain it. I can also see Adam Lambert going home in the ultimate Idol shocker. And if he does, will you really be concerned? He would still have a more successful career than most former Idol contestants.
But dare I say…I’m actually interested in tonight’s show. I pretty much feign it on all other occasions. Wait. Who am I kidding? I’ve never pretended to love this show. Christ, on at least one Saturday per year, I nurse a hangover with a McDonald’s Extra Value Meal and 12 hours of the Lifetime Movie Network. And I sure as hell don’t enjoy that shit.
I’m sure tonight’s shit show will be long…drug out beyond a Season 7 Paula. So very predictable, yet, seriously, who will go home?
Ok. What the hell is Ben Stiller here? And Bill Hader? Hank Azaria? Jonah Hill?
Ohhhh…I see! Shameless product plug for that Night at the Museum sequel. This is already getting off to a bad start. Whenever they do those bullshit movie tie-ins, it is never ever good. And it’s especially not good for the movie? Haven’t all the ones they’ve pimped as of late bombed? The Love Guru, anyone?
Kevin Bacon is in the audience? As are a bunch of tweens they placed there so people think kiddies like Idol. And yay! Paula looks like she just got off the day shift at Miss Kitty’s Saloon!
88 million votes were cast last night, with only 1 million separating the top 2. Even with 88 million, 1 still seems like kind of a lot. I mean, it is a million.
And all the eliminated contestants are in the audience! Because they have to rehearse for next week! They even let Malnourished Casper Twat back into the building.
Ford Commercial Lameosity
Why oh why did you bastards make Gokeyoke pretend as if he was parting the fraking Red Sea? Why is this sort of behavior encouraged? Huh? I WANT TO KNOW.
Idol continues to milk Idol Gives Back, although they didn’t bother doing it this year. So they let Alicia Keys come on and talk about Africa, but I’ll give Keys credit for being a better Save Africa talking head than Carrie “The Mosquito Nets are Working” Underwood. And Ms. Keys is just so damn pretty, even if she did give the world that dreadful Fallin song.
An adorable imp from Rwanda learned enough English in the past week to sing a song. And his leather jacket is so adorable, even if he’s wearing his shoes a la Zack Morris. QUICK! Hide this child from Madonna. Oh, Idol, you sneaky bastards. I totally see what you’re doing now. You’re using this sweet child as a way to lure the Kabbalah Queen onto the show as a mentor for next season.
If you come on the show and mentor the Top 8 in Season 9, we’ll give you a little black boy. Straight from Rwanda. It’s not Malawai, but it’s still Africa. And he’s still black. It’s all taken care of. No questions asked. Do we have a deal?
I don’t know how much experience the kid has, but he’s got better stage presence than Danny Gokey.
Speaking of Danny Gokey, of for frak’s sake, if he is safe, I might cry.
LOOK! LOOK! It’s our BFF in the audience AGAIN this week! Remember her from when I was waiting in line? And no one in her section appears to be amused by her stenciling.
Oh no…Milwaukee footage. Set to Muse. Please, please, please no Pastor Rolex. And there isn’t any…yet…but there is a woman thanking him while sobbing profusely.
(I’ve never understood sobbing when meeting someone famous or semi-famous. Unless they ran over my foot or something. Hell, I get misty eyed at the end of Terminator 2 but not for this shit.)
Jamar Rogers is there, and Gokeyoke is really happy to see him, although he totally copped to ignoring the guy’s calls on local TV.
HOLY FUCK. WHAT IS THIS SHIT? And people think I am bizarre for being fascinated by the Idol fantards???
Some little girl says why she loves Danny Gokey.
He’s cute. He has good glasses and he lives in Milwaukee.
Ok. She’s a mere child, so I’ll cut her some slack, but her parents should really be teaching her the fundamentals of voting upon merit, even for a shit like American Idol.
Granted, seeing Gokeyoke tear up by his cheering section may be the most endearing I’ve ever seen him. But why oh why can’t I ever get a key to a goddamn city. Seriously? Someone please find me a city willing to give me a fraking key.
I love the fact the Fox affiliate put eyeglasses on the generic signs they handed out, not to mention this homemade sign with creepy swollen hands making the shape of a heart.
Yes, Seacrest. The lady in the pink plaid pants is on the edge of her seat. But I really hope she’s sitting there in a straitjacket.
Ok, that’s bullshit. Sending him back to the sofa? Dragging this nonsense out. How predictable.
Hot By Default went home and got to go to his favorite restaurant, which has promised him free cheese dip for life. Another reason to like Hot By Default. If you ever get to hang out with him, you can get free cheese dip. Who the frak doesn’t like cheese dip?
I’ve actually been to Little Rock. They have a great Chinese restaurant. It’s owned by some buddies of Bill & Hilary, and you know, they get the good shit.
I’m like, kind of moved by HBD hugging his father. And his parents watching him sing Falling Slowly backstage. They don’t seem like grifting Idol parents. I soooo hope I’m dead on with this observation.
Come on, Idol! Is his wife a contestant? Why does she get to ride with him in the parade? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I dog on his wife a lot but she doesn’t look like someone you could trust. You can tell she’s a big fan of that Kate whatever-her-name is with the sad husband, eight kids and the show on TLC.
Dude. There are septugarians clad in pink & green, pageant sashes, and neon green wigs holding up signs saying such things as Toadly Kris. WTF??
He gets a key to the city, too! Damn him! I want a key to the city.
Ok. There! PROOF M.R.S. Allen sucks. Yeah, I would be pissed cameras were all up on my grill, too, but they’re getting a sweet little don’t cry momma moment between your husband and your mother-in-law and you have the audacity to look like a total slag? Don’t you care what the evil bloggers might say? You disrespecting your in-laws, woman! They’re your family, too!
Awww, HBD’s dad is crying in the audience, too. Hell, I become kind of soft and mushy when I see that shit, I admit it. Just like when Lambert’s dad was all misty last night.
They best send HBD back to the sofa, or…send him to safety. Come on! And of course, he would be sent back to the sofa. Oh no, keep Lambert in back. Save him to last. Make us all listen to some pre-taped Jordin Sparks, who well, I don’t what she’s singing unless its No Air. And since the dude she sang it with beat up his girlfriend, I doubt we’ll be seeing any No Air anytime soon. And I am sooo over this One Republic dude. Oh, and this Battlefield will most likely be no Love is a Battlefield, so don’t even try, sweetheart, don’t even try.
Ok. Some of Jordin Sparks’ songs are kind of…listenable. I never even saw her sing on the show, but wait. Did you notice her ring? I bet they wouldn’t let you board a plane with that shit in your carry-on. Hell, that’s like box cutter jewelry.
Anyway, it looks like she’s lost a little weight. The kid looks good, and the song is cookie-cutter good. I’m sure I would turn it up if I was driving around aimlessly. JESUS CHRIST. That ring must double as a ninja throwing star.
They finally let Lambert come out from backstage. I hope they show that topless chick bumrushing him in San Diego, although after seeing the sequined-and-plaid lady, that shit ain’t nothing.
Damn. No streaker footage. Prime time family programming sucks. And hello? Remember how last season (and even this one, too?), Idol proclaimed itself to be all “green” and shit? Like they started using a different lightbulb or something. Well then, why the frak would you FLY this guy via private jet to SAN DIEGO from LOS ANGELES? This the part where I tell you to shove your carbon footprint up your own ass.
Even the local news anchors are tarding over Lambert. And he is rather charming, but hey, he’s got experience. And does anyone else think its sad they all had to go to strip mall hell for some AT&T product placement?
Yup, Lambert, as an Idol star, its not always going to be like your nights at Slash Fiction. It’s going to be more like this:
(And I sure as hell don’t want to know what comes after the word BITE on that sign.)
Lambert doesn’t get a key to the city, but the theater kids at the MET love him. And I actually find it kind of sweet…because sometimes I’m a sucker for the subtleties. And now he’s going back to high school! See? It is imperative to surround him with as many young people as possible so he doesn’t know what’s really in store for him once the tour begins.
And then FINALLY, Lambert gets a key to the city from the Mayor of San Diego. Damn you, Lambert! Where is my key?
Then they send him to a marine base, which makes sense, since San Diego has more military personnel than any other U.S. city, I believe. And he sings the national anthem.
How ironic. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.
Ok. So if they send him to safety…that means it really IS up to Jesus to decide who he likes better. Oh Jesus, please don’t let us down. But first…he’s going to the sofa so Katy Perry can come out and sing. I bet Jesus is as bored and annoyed as you are right now. Just saying…
Katy Perry is actually performing live. But Gokey whispers to Seacrest during the commercial break, because you know, he does a lot of that. Lambert doesn’t care! He just wants to see Katy Perry! She’s dressed in late-model Elvis, sans pants. I suspect she is trying to be Middle America’s Lady GaGa. Hello? Waking Up in Vegas? With slot machines? GaGa does Poker Face. Neither likes to wear pants.
I don’t dislike Katy Perry, however, if I hear I Kissed A Girl one more time…
Finally. Let’s get this over with. But not before we see Kevin Bacon one last time.
The first person competing…
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
OMG YES YES YES YES YES
Screw you all. That was not tarding. That was giving credit where credit was finally fraking DUE.
Shit. Lambert is worried. Now I’m kind of worried. Because I wanted to find out THIS week who Jesus liked better between the laid-back unassuming musician boy vs. bombastic prosperity gospel convert. Don’t make me wait another SEVEN DAYS! I mean, didn’t your dad create everything in seven days, but I still have to wait that long to find out who Jesus prefers if Gokeyoke makes it?
Shit For Brains is scared! (So are the others, but she looks like a twat even when scared.)
YES YES YES
THERE IS JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD. Well, maybe sometimes. Not often, but sometimes…
There are all the fallen contestants. Look at Casper! She was seated next to Mole Boy & Quatto (OBVIOUSLY) and they are wearing matching hats! Casper is wearing something ridiculously white trashy, while Megan Joy stands next to her, a glowing, cawing goddess.
Although Paula wanted that Gokeyoke-Lambert finale, she sucks it up. And shows off more amazing designs from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection.
Tonight, I sort of feel America did the right thing. I haven’t felt this way since November, but you know, that was a lot more important and this feeling will wear off shortly. It’s still a shit show. It’s not like oh, a presidential election, but its one of those things that happen oh-so rarely that give you a teeny tiny bit of hope in all those sheeple.
I’m happy people actually managed to get it right this time. And La Princesa, she’ll be just fine, too.
Oh, and one more thing. Sorry. Just remembered. To all those ladies I met while on the Big Fraking Idol Adventure, HA HA HA.
Told you so.