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Pearl Cream rates the American Idol Top 3

May 13, 2009

Kara Dioguardi -- Ryan Seacrest -- Paula Abdul

Yay! Pearl Cream is here!

Pearl Cream is one of my closest friends. He’s also a classically-trained vocalist, former violist (like as in the awesome VIOLA) and has recently earned a Masters in Musical Theater from The Boston Conservatory.

He once tried out for Idol. The second season. They told him he had a beautiful voice…but was too Broadway. Bastards. Pearl Cream has done a lot on stage, is a part-time model and even had a bit part in a DMX video. (Therefore, he is already more accomplished than your typical Idol semi-finalist.)

Anyway, Pearl Cream has only seen one random episode this season and has no other knowledge to go on. I gave him a tiny bit of info on the contestants and now we’re gonna re-watch this shit show so he can give you his professional opinion. And since he doesn’t have a lot to go on, except these performances, this is gonna be magical!

Upon starting Idol…

Pearl Cream: The one in the middle is gonna win. He’s the cutest.

Danny Gokey
Dance Little Sister

(I just noticed the first lyric was about giving up a ghost. Oh well)

Pearl Cream: He’s pitchy. Can you hear the girl background singer? You can hear him better than him, but he’s definitely a yeller. And he’s a white boy with no rythym. He’s got no soul. Is this supposed to be critical? I don’t like him, but I may be biased from what you told me already. He did have a lot of energy, I will give him that.

No one is going to comment on him yelling the whole song or being pitchy?

Kris Allen
Apologize

Pearl Cream: That’s Kris? He seems cool. He’s southern. He’s the one who just got married?

Me: Yeah, what a waste right?

Pearl Cream: Awww, and he plays piano. How sexy.

Does he ever have vibratto in his voice that you’ve heard? I think he did a good job, but I don’t think is voice is necessarily the strongest. Wow. Simon is standing up for him?

Me: One guy had a goat vibrato. Can’t vibrato be bad sometimes? And he also had a big mole.

Pearl Cream: Sure. Vibrato isn’t always a good thing.

A natural vibrato just means you have freedom in your voice. The natural vocal mechanism wants to vibrate with the soundwaves, so if you don’t have vibrato, it means have tension in your mechanism. Your throat, jaw, neck, breathing, et al. But if you’re really tight, it can be fast and you’ll have a goat vibrato, the same with church lady singing, like when it becomes stiff with age, that can be a wide vibrato. You want a natural one, not overkill or underkill.

(WHOA. How the hell did I miss this shot from before? And wasn’t that an awesome bit of vibrato education from Pearl Cream?)

Can Simon Cowell please kill this woman?

Adam Lambert
One

(Silence until midway through when Lambert starts hitting the higher octaves)

Pearl Cream: Damn

Funny how he sticks his tongue out to hit the high notes.

Me: I think he’s very caberat, and not because he’s gay, not at all, but it just feels like a lot of cabaret shows I’ve seen. That sort of performance style.

Pearl Cream: It was a lot like a musical theater audition, or what I was taught in musical theater audition class. To pick someone, something or a spot in the audience and focus on that, like it is an imaginary person.

The Idol Gives Back crap

Pearl Cream: What happens to the plastic wrapping the bed nets come in?

Danny Gokey
You Are So Beautiful

Pearl Cream: I didn’t like it when it first started because I was wondering when he was going to put some emotion into it because of his dead wife and all, but it did begin to happen in the second part. I liked it.

Me: Did he have good vibrato?

Pearl Cream: Yes

Me: Ewwww…Kara just said something about a money spot. That makes me thing of both a money shot and the post-coital wet spot in a bed. Ewwww…I don’t want to hear her discuss such things.

Kris Allen
Heartless

Pearl Cream: I thought it was good. That’s all I got. He didn’t have any vibrato, but it was okay.

Me: COME ON! Give me more! That shit was awesome.

Pearl Cream: It was good. I don’t know.

Me: Pearl Cream, I expected more from you.

Adam Lambert
Cryin’

Me: I don’t like what they did with the arrangement of this song.

Pearl Cream: He’s got the rock star voice, but he doesn’t really have the rock star persona on stage.

Luckily, Pearl Cream loves So You Think You Can Dance, oh, and I’m forcing to come over again next week so we can all learn more about vibrato and vocal mechanism. Until tomorrow, enjoy the best mail-order commercial EVER MADE.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. gabrielspeaks permalink
    May 13, 2009 6:43 pm

    Bold and insightful post; The authors clarity on the issue of strict code of ethics
    and truth it brings to bear on the prospects for the future give us all reason for hope. The question is: Are people ready to hear the good news yet? I for one AM!

    Way to go, we’ re all behind you, and were all in this together.

  2. Emme permalink
    May 13, 2009 3:52 pm

    Love Adam and my favorite last night was ‘One’ …by a mile, wow

  3. May 13, 2009 1:14 pm

    my favorite performance was Adam Lambert One, how about you?

    • emma grace permalink
      May 13, 2009 3:33 pm

      i love adam and if its kris and danny in the finals im going to cry no joke. danny is such a freaken douchebag

  4. Emme permalink
    May 13, 2009 1:02 pm

    did Pearl Cream actually rate them…where? wtf, am I missing something?

  5. May 13, 2009 12:25 pm

    i heart Pearl Cream.

  6. deez permalink
    May 13, 2009 9:18 am

    The show employs vocal coaches, right? Either they are there for the paycheck, don’t have the time to give instruction, or aren’t allowed to. I’ve heard a lot of trained people say these guys (specifically Danny and Kris) are making mistakes(in some cases vocally harmful) that are fairly easily corrected.

    So I guess it’s no big surprise that they are not really concerned about the well-being of the contestants.

  7. May 13, 2009 9:06 am

    Pearl Cream is a stronger man than I. I’m a trained singer and watching Idol is an exercise in frustration. The only part of ‘Idol’ I ever wanted to do is to be one of their vocal coaches. The contestants make so many amateur mistakes it’s painful.

  8. AIFan permalink
    May 13, 2009 1:15 am

    Wow, that Blige-Bono duet is awesome ! But I don’t know if it’s fair to compare a pre-recorded, full version to a live, chopped-up one. But, yeah, Adam screeched way too much tonight. I am a fan, but he made my ears bleed.

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