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Crap Knows No Boundaries: Your American Idol Top 2

May 19, 2009

According to VFTW (via Joe’s Place), Simon Fuller’s choice means the contestants will be singing songs from over three decades ago. How relevant! And how sweet. You gave the gay dude A Change is Gonna Come. Hell, I don’t know about you but the American Idol finale always makes me think of Brown v. Board of Education, right?

But you’re supposed to draw those parallels, right?

The dude is gay. What the hell does it matter?

But Camryn Manheim is there! And wow, the Nokia is soooo much bigger than CBS Studios. I think. But those cameras can play tricks on you.

Kayne vs. California? The Guy Next Door vs. The Guyliner? Oh for chrissake.

And Randy, even when wearing a suit & tie, still looks like he let the kid sitting next to him on the short bus dress him again. But that makes PERFECT sense, as Shit For Brains rides it with him to work every week.

Randy Jackson: Dresses like a moron even in a suit & tie

Carly Smithson is in the audience. And a bunch of other people who used to be on the show, people like Casey Carlson, who for some reason, I still get hits for with people searching for her, which I can only attribute to her being really cute with a nice rack.

Okay. Let’s get God vs. Gay going. Of course, this is the revised, fuzzy-wuzzy, nail-polished version of God vs. Gay and hear about the remaining two contestants as children. Apparently, Lambert screamed a lot as a child.

Adam Lambert
Mad World

This just reminded me: Mad World used to be my ring tone. But it was an analog/digitized version which was just kind of amusing. Not that any of you give a shit about what I used to have as my ringtone, I just thought I would throw that in there.

Lambert is cloaked in black, standing in billowing smoke and Jesus-ordained flamboyance. I always prefer his performances where the screeching is kept to a minimum. More Lambert, less Screech McQueen. I could live without much of his cabaret eyefucking, but this performance was quite pleasing, as there was uh, zero screeching.

Adam Lambert: Faux emoting a Mad World

Why the frak is Randy talking about his long coat? Uh oh. Shit For Brains is talking and she claims Lambert changed the game up for every other contestant when he sang Mad World because of his artistry, blah blah blah. Shut the frak —


Sir Anthony Hopkins goes to American Idol

Good to see Sir Hopkins is aging gracefully, although he reminds me less of Hannibal Lecter and more of Aphasia-riddled Col. Ludlow from Legends of the Fall. (Terrible, terrible movie. Only notable for the amazing line: Helena was a bustling metropolis.)

And while we talk about Lambert’s long journey, we get to see all the fallen contestants in the audience. Looks like Anoop is sitting next to Megan Joy, which will further rumors about him making her caw all night long. We even get to see a tiny Jorge Nunez looking happy. He seemed like a sweet kid, however, I’m just pissed off Giraud is wearing another goddamn hat. QUATTO THE MOLE wants to see the show, dammit. Let Quatto watch the show.

And of course, Gokey looks like…Gokey.

The Fallen American Idol contestants get good seats

Simon calls Lambert overtheatrical, which reminds me of when he criticized David Cook last year. He likes to work angles, meanwhile, Randy tries to look cool but sputtering the word Twilight about three times.

(I refuse to watch or read Twilight. I want to drive a stake through Twilight‘s stupid Hot Topic-shade-of-black heart.)

Hot By Default’s parents further endear themselves to the American public (but am I the only one who adores Papa Lambert’s incredibly dry sense of humor?) when his Mom shows an adorable coupon her dear Kristopher gave her a few years ago.

Kris Allen's Music Coupon for Mom

Kris Allen
Ain’t No Sunshine

I think this performance was when I decided Hot By Default was going to make a serious dent in the competition. I don’t care what incredible vocal acrobatics Lambert displays on a weekly basis, no one has come close (with the exception of La Princesa del Mariachi) to expressing genuine, heartfelt emotion on the Idol stage. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been a “lyrics” girl, but the most important thing to me is seeing someone make something believable. And I believe Hot By Default nearly every time he’s performing, whereas Lambert, he simply performs.

Well, that totally made sense in my mind, but you can call bullshit if you’d like. But first, let’s check out M.R.S. Allen this week. She smiles and nods. Oh Hot By Default, I am sure she is a sweet girl but please-oh-please go drink a lot of booze and screw a lot of women now that you’re famous. I only want what’s best for you.

Kris Allen's meh wife and adorable parents

Simon looks smug! What is this all about? Alas, Randy begins. He likes that HBD grabbed the microphone? He also says its one of his best performances. Shit For Brains cuts him (and the applause) off so she can say she agrees with him. Meanwhile, M.R.S. Allen dilligently, as if she were a seal digesting a small fish.

Kris Allen's wife: Still no proof of personality

Ok, ok. I’ll stop dogging on M.R.S. Allen…for now. Let’s look at HBD soak up Useless Dawg’s pre-programmed critique. He knows he just has to smile during Useless Dawg and Shit For Brains’ critique because they mean nothing to…anyone.

Paula, meanwhile, is totally busting out the Paula Abdul Jewelry tonight, showcasing it with satin pajamas from the Peter Pan Collection.

Paula Abdul in Paula Abdul Jewelry and Peter Pan Lingerie

Ooooh, Simon eats his words. He talks all his uncertainty about HBD’s name being called last week BACK. Yeah, frak you, GOKEY. Jesus loves Kris Allen more! He even gives Round 1 to HBD (of course, he did do this with Archuleta last year, so…) and we see more shots of HBD’s family, making me wonder if he had ever met a female with non-flaxen hair before American Idol.

Adam Lambert
A Change is Gonna Come

I was rather surprised this song was selected, if only because Coretta Scott Mercado gave such an unmemorable rendition last season, but hey, I am all for erasing all memory of Coretta Scott Mercado, granted I don’t really remember a single one of her performances.

I actually like Lambert doing the blues thing, and I guess I’ll live with his screech since he spared us with tonight’s Mad World. Like I always say, I don’t dislike Adam Lambert at all. The guy has mad talent, its just that, he doesn’t really surprise me at this point. Now if he were to come out in drag, well, that would be awesome. On so many levels.

I kind of groan with the over-the-top emoting before he finishes with My Change is Gonna Come. Yeah. He did great, but why pick that song for the gay guy? He’s gay. He’s not a leper.

Adam Lambert sings A Change is Gonna Come

Shit For Brains says its his best performance and his best emotional correction. She also uses all these weirdo hand movements which make me think she is having a seizure.

Paula says its his best performance ever and says he will be iconic. Yeah, he was good. I just thought it was a tad much choosing a song written during the civil rights movement for the (basically) open gay guy.

People can’t class things up for the finale shows, btw. They still have to bring homemade signs. This one obviously took a lot of work, and while it disgusts me on so many levels, it is giving a shoutout to my native land. Holla.

Lambert Tards from St. Louis!


Katie Holmes is dead in the eyes. Suri Cruise is a robot. The end.

Wow. Compared to Katiebot Holmes, M.R.S. Allen looks live a real-life breathing human being! Look at the death in Joey Potter’s eyes! And Suribot wants to run far away. Katiebot is covering her tiny robot’s ears because they’re both wondering if Daddy hit that shit.

Oh come on now. Adam Lambert wouldn’t screw a talentless midget closet case! Never!

Kris Allen
What’s Goin’ On?

HBD now busts out the guitar, which is good, because they can’t use instruments on that stupid final song Shit For Brains wrote. Ah, I get it. Fuller chose a song about love conquering hate when piting the Nice Christian Dude vs. the Gay Guy. Because this is American Idol! And American Idol must be a reflection of society and hot button issues.

That was a solid performance, but I would have liked for them to have picked a different song. Randy thinks it was too light.

I like that Simon Fuller picked a socially conscious song for you.

Oh, Shit For Brains. Oh, Randy. So the song Adam just did wasn’t socially conscious? Are we just totally ignoring that fact now? I mean, I’m super smart, but any idiot can see the obvious reasons these songs were selected. It’s basic, tenth-grade English symbolism ya dumb twat.

Kara DioGuardi is still a dumb twat

I just really hate listening to her talk, don’t you? Paula thought he tore it up. Simon thought it was as if he was strumming along with a few buddies in his bedroom. CUE SEACREST HOMO JAB.

Hi former contestants. Is it wrong for me to totally hope Anoop is nailing Tattooed Mormon Joy? His grin kind of says, yeah, I’m tapping that ass. Meanwhile, Casper gives a pathetic pose, Blind Guy isn’t looking at the camera and Jorge Nunez just looks so happy to be there. Whatever. I’m a total sap, and Jorge Nunez’s unadulated joy at even being in the Top 13 always makes me smile. (And of course, La Princesa just looks cool. Because she is La Princesa!)

Fallen Idol Contestants in the audience

Adam Lambert
No Boundaries

Of course this is a song about hope and making it through hurricanes and stuff. Because this is the stuff Idol songs are made of. To his credit, Adam Lambert does his best with complete shit. He makes it almost listenable, but I do think this may be the weakest I’ve ever heard his voice on the show. There are a couple of iffy parts in the chorus…I don’t know…I will cut him some slack though, because its another tired song about climbing every mountain.

Adam Lambert sings No BoundariesGranted, sometimes, when I am somewhere random and it comes on the radio or something, I do kind of not totally despise Cook’s Time of My Life. Even though the magical rainbows part always makes me wonder how he could even get through the lyric. But those are Idol coronation songs. And the crux of these truly magical songs are tasting every moment and climbing every mountain. Whatevia. I want to taste every moment while I’m climbing every mountain. And after I’m done tasting every moment on every damn mountain, I want a key to the city, bitch.

Randy says it was just all right. He even evokes the word PITCHY. Shit For Brains uses the performance to pimp herself and her co-writers. Lambert proves he does have acting chops by thanking her for the song and saying its beautiful.

Paula creams herself. It’s times like these when I know Randy is just trying to break through his pre-programmed, micro-chipped vocabular and utter an original thought, because he was right on. Simon tells Adam he’s awesome, but still manages to call Shit For Brains out for what she is and blasts the song as being utter crap.

Now these people, well, they totally half-assed their fantard signs. COME ON. Black Sharpie is all you people got? You are not real fans. Get out.

Half-Assed Fantard Signs Made with Black Sharpie

Kris Allen
No Boundaries

Ok. Let’s see what he does with it. Let’s see how he connects emotionally to standard Idol drivel. I do think, like Lambert’s, his voice is probably a bit tired at this point.

All I know is that I am just so thankful I’m listening to HBD sing this right now and not Danny Gokey. He did a very servicable job with a shit song. What were his other options?

Kris Allen after singing some crap called No Boundaries

Randy kind of tells HBD he’s lost, aka he should be proud of what he’s done in the competition. Kara thinks the song was too high for him. Hmmm…what, did you write this song specifically for a Gokey-Lambert finale? She thinks people should vote on the season, but I’m hoping she is also admitting to herself that she completely sucks and has zero artistry. (Hey, a gal can hope can’t she?)

I’m kind of calling bullshit right now because they’re uh…well, it’s not surprising, but I feel like they’re using their last opportunity to throw this guy under the bus. I mean, they tried all season long but there he stands, and even though all Idol coronation songs are a bunch of “inspirational” tripe, I just can’t help but think that shit was written with the expectation Gokey would be standing up there next to Lambert. From the title to the lyrics, that shit was totally penned for a Lambert-Gokey showdown.

At least Simon reitterates the fact he deserves being in the finale, I’ll give him that.

HBD is totally hoarse.

Me and Adam, we said we weren’t competing. We’re just coming out to give a good show tonight. Hopefully, we did that.

And in an instant, my icy black heart melts. And perhaps this warm & fuzzy feeling will only last a few moments, but it does kind of prove to me that sometimes, good might prevail over evil. People might get what they deserve. And maybe, just maybe, when you give sheeple the power to choose, they may just do the right thing.

Fox did get their God vs. Gay finale, however, it kind of bit them in the ass. Because maybe, just maybe, people really don’t care if you’re a Believer or a Fudgepacker. Maybe they just kind of want to see a couple of good people up there with good talent and good hearts.

As per usual, I don’t care who wins Idol. But I kind of think both these guys won. And we know they’re both driving home a new Ford, just as much as we know they’re both gonna be stalked from here to eternity by batshit crazy lunatics.

But at least I can say, with 100% conviction, I’m hoping they make it. Because they’re just a couple of good guys and hey, who doesn’t like to see the good guys win every now and again.

Adam Lambert and Kris Allen both won this crapfest

39 Comments leave one →
  1. beinghonest permalink
    May 21, 2009 12:50 am

    Some of u people are so crass but watevevs i was right I knew kris would win it becuz he needed more help then adam as much as i love adam and I will go see him on tour I voted 4 kris I knew he would need it but hopefully both of them will be good artist and I know part of it was vote 4 the worst well topidol I guess this might be the end of your blog because American idol may be cancelled cuz i predict a major ratings drop all the celebs were goin for adam except gavin degraw Con was no where to be seen so apparently they still hate him lol I thought id die after ryan put bikini grl on blast for the boob job becuz hes gay he was pissed when she kissed him again!! Nick came back and i luv him also he is sooo funny bo n carrie were also there I screamed when i saw bo i think he shoulda won over dat robot bytch carrie lol and I also predict dat adam will turn all of the guys out except for kris danny and jorge becuz he is just so charming ah i am melting and i was pissed when adam didnt make the sexiest idol list this country is so anti-gay it sucks but they put da ultimate douche on that list #11 if he made the list he shouldve been #20

  2. John permalink
    May 20, 2009 4:42 pm

    In Mad World, Adam Lamebert’s face looked like he was either mightily constipated or had just done a big doo doo in his ‘spensive panties. THe highlight of the night, IMHO.

  3. Lolly permalink
    May 20, 2009 4:37 pm

    That was the most boring finale of all time. Adam is still all broadway glamthing still using smoke and mirrors to wow the masses and Kris is good old Conway college boy trying to make his thin voice stand out. That Kara song was uber-hideous and they both sounded like shit. I actually think the judges should have offered the mic to Danny just so people could hear a great voice last night. Never connected with either of the top 2, Danny’s my PYT 4 EVAH.

  4. Kate permalink
    May 20, 2009 3:21 pm

    I disagree with you on the question of emotional connection. I think that Kris connects wonderfully on almost all of his songs and I do believe them–but I feel the same way with Adam. On almost all of his songs, I feel like its pouring out of him–not like he’s just performing it. However, with Adam I also get a sense of joy in singing, performing, etc., and I think that sense is one reason a lot of people compare him to singers like Mercury and Bowie. Adam may be theatrical, but that doesn’t mean he’s not emotionally powerful.

    In fact, I think that he and Kris have made it this far precisely because they can make people feel so much when they sing (Allison can do this too, which is astonishing for anyone, much less a teenager). But, to each his/her own. Some people will connect with Kris, some with Adam, some with both, some with neither.

  5. Worst Song Ever permalink
    May 20, 2009 2:25 pm

    Here is a funny blog bashing her song. Hilarious!

  6. martmart permalink
    May 20, 2009 5:48 am

    btw, and this is simon-level pimpage I’m offering here, I gave in and started following you on twitter. mostly because I wanted to give a shout-out to this:

    “But those are Idol coronation songs. And the crux of these truly magical songs are tasting every moment and climbing every mountain. Whatevia. I want to taste every moment while I’m climbing every mountain. And after I’m done tasting every moment on every damn mountain, I want a key to the city, bitch.”

    Perfect summation to pretty much the entire season. Thus, where you tweet, I shall follow. So, right on, and also, damn you.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 20, 2009 11:05 am

      I seriously do hate Twitter. But it made me feel all warm inside when you said I made you follow me.

      • martmart permalink
        May 20, 2009 12:51 pm

        aw, indeed, you’re like a benevolent cult leader. I’ll be wearing funny hats and tithing my income in no time.

        In the meantime, I’m instructing some rabid co-workers to not spoil me about the Idol Belle of the Ball crowning tonight (they scream it out like hockey scores… often along with hockey scores), as I won’t be seeing the damn thing till well into the night. What are the chances of this plan being successful…?

  7. martmart permalink
    May 20, 2009 5:20 am

    Just got home from work, so I watched most of this quietly or on mute, and I gotta say, as pure visual, it brought the lolz. The trench coat, the “they told me they had dry ice available”, something about mountains and rivers and going deeper, kara’s bulging eyes at the very start of the show (it’s like someone was just about to press a button, or wind a crank or something, at the back of her head).

    the post-show interview “we don’t get naked together” moment was probably what sold me on this season. best. finale. ever. In that it was awful, but jay-sus, how entertaining. It’s truly the show america deserves, and I mean that in the utmost, genuine, nicest way possible.

  8. Katherine permalink
    May 20, 2009 5:08 am

    DialIdol has Kris winning 61.14 to 60.04 over Adam. His busy percentages for all three of his numbers take the top three spots with Adam’s three numbers occupying the bottom rungs. Same with raw numbers busy signals totals. In raw number votes, Adam 2 and 3 are on top then Kris 3, Adam 1, Adam 3 and Kris 1..

    Finally, in raw number totals, Kris Allen’s 3rd number sits at the top with Adam 3, Adam 2, Kris 2, Kris 1 then Adam 1.

    I don’t really know what all of this means but my point? Maybe God will win over Gay???

  9. Katherine permalink
    May 20, 2009 4:53 am

    Nokia seats 7000 and CBS only 500-ish but they do camera tricks at CBS cuz it looks huge on TV but really isn’t. I went to the Top 13 results night taping and the Idols were literally maybe 50 rows away from me and I was in the back row. Much much closer than on TV.

    Nokia is AWESOME. Went to finale tonight and even my craptastic double-letter row seats were pretty damn good.

  10. Jules permalink
    May 20, 2009 2:28 am

    “Oh Hot By Default, I am sure she is a sweet girl but please-oh-please go drink a lot of booze and screw a lot of women now that you’re famous. I only want what’s best for you.”


    Sorry, sorry, I just can’t let it go. HBD’s sincerity and genuine goodness is one of the things I love most about him, I don’t want him to turn into any other sleazy L.A. guy. There aren’t a lot of men like him in the world!

    Thanks for scaling back your Katy bitchery, though. Much appreciated. And come on, she’s super cute in those headshots you linked to. I couldn’t hate her if I tried.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 20, 2009 9:15 am

      You know its more me being a bitchy blogger than anything else, right?

      She does look like your typical homecoming queen, and I’m sure she’s a very nice person. It’s just my personal opinion that people should wait awhile longer before getting married.

      (Not that my personal opinion EVER matters.)

      • Jules permalink
        May 20, 2009 7:11 pm

        Of course I’m aware of that. I do read this blog, you know. 😉

        It’s a knee-jerk reaction; I have way too many slutty men in my life and not nearly enough Kris-like dudes. So, yay for people who marry young (and Kris/Katy were together for 7 years before they got hitched, anyway) and manage to make it work.

        • TopIdol permalink
          May 20, 2009 7:14 pm

          Wait until they hit ages 25 or 26.

          I’ve known a lot of slutty men, too. And a lot of serial monogamists. And just overall losers.

          But I do live alone with a cat and spend a lot of time writing an American Idol blog, so perhaps the problem is me. 🙂

  11. giselle permalink
    May 20, 2009 2:20 am

    I don’t wanna be superstitious,but I didn’t see Adam’s lucky charm maybe I’m wrong… know people,the grandfathers ring(he has it on at Upright new years 2008-2009 on you tube, and most of his performances on AI)got to go back and watch the tape

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 20, 2009 9:11 am

      Maybe it was because he was wearing one of Paula Abdul’s rings?

  12. May 20, 2009 12:39 am

    It’s Pastor Rolex and his mega-church that’s ruling the roost tonight. Hate the show or not – it should be a talent competition – not a Christians vs. the lions in ring three. But Pastor Rolex has done that. He’s made it a Coliseum grudge match. Should Allen win – there will always be a mental asterisk by the title.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 20, 2009 1:14 am

      Pastor Rolex needs to shove another Krispy Kreme in his mouth and shut the frak up. His boy is off the show and Idol ends tomorrow night.

      But it was nice, tonight, HBD looked up while singing that shit coronation song and it was nice to see someone look up while not motioning to a deceased wife or heaven for the first time in awhile.

  13. Jackie permalink
    May 20, 2009 12:27 am

    Good job being so right. People are saying Kris was awful on the crappy last song, but I prefer his take over Adams’ actually. I though he did a fine job with it.

  14. beinghonest permalink
    May 19, 2009 11:54 pm

    i ment carrie

  15. beinghonest permalink
    May 19, 2009 11:54 pm

    after contracts are up it wont matter anyway showbiz is hard so they did wat they felt crazy trhing is the only sucesses are arrie and kelley to white cinderella story women the losers have had more success dats pathetic

  16. Voting for Adam permalink
    May 19, 2009 11:52 pm


  17. deez permalink
    May 19, 2009 11:49 pm

    Blah. I’d rather that neither of them wins. That way neither will be forced to sing that steaming pile again.

    Why not let the guys write their own song? That would’ve made infinitely more sense.

    The finale was a total let-down. I’m hoping tomorrow is better.

  18. beinghonest permalink
    May 19, 2009 11:48 pm

    jim u make a good ass point but somehow i think topidol just hates the show becuz its something that they could never do its not the contestants fault that ai is a dam machine and turns dem into wat they feel america wants to see every year it never fails sad thing if adam doesnt win american idol will not be back another season becuz it will lose all its credibility and ratings but the crazy thing is he doesnt need 19 entertainment kris does..I honestly think most of its just crass jokes the thing is i know topidol hates con for real but I say u are who u are and if i were him i might be a bit of a douche 2 he worked his ass off and da only reason people care is becuz of dat show

    its like a person going to medical school 4 yrs and only getting to do a surgery becuz he/she was mentioned on that show doctors or sum shyt its sad and insulting i mean wtf?

    and andrea ur wrong for that joke but it was funny

  19. May 19, 2009 11:20 pm

    I’m fairly certain I’ve never met someone so bitter yet still watches a show she hates. Amazing.

  20. Andrea permalink
    May 19, 2009 11:10 pm

    Also – I think that, somehow, Scott dressed Randy in an under-handed vengeance for his hairstyling on the show.

  21. Locutus permalink
    May 19, 2009 11:05 pm

    I’ve always wondered how shit for brains got to where she is today…lyricist of hundreds of songs, co-owner of Arthouse Entertainment, VP of A&R at Warner Brothers, judge on American Idol.

    The only conclusion I came to is that she must give amazing blowjobs.

    P.S. I hated the new song she wrote for the AI winner

  22. Andrea permalink
    May 19, 2009 10:56 pm

    “Kanye vs. California” was actually “Conway vs. California” I thought the same thing at first.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 19, 2009 10:58 pm

      Ok…so I’m not a complete idiot? THANK YOU.

      I blame Seacrest’s So-Cal accent.

  23. beinghonest permalink
    May 19, 2009 10:46 pm

    um not a tard i jus know talent when i see it and americans are idiots if adam wins he doesnt need this bullshyt rigged ass show he is already famous now and he will go so far I am going to watch tv guide to see if constantine shows up with a his bitterness n jealousy dat will make me laff and angry at the same time and wtf? was up with them bringing dat femmebot carrie i hate her so much I jus think she is fake and she doesnt put in the work other sucessful artist do bo should have won he was much more authentic then dat blonde biotch screw da cinderella story they sold to americans aaliyah would do a track til 4 am if she felt it wasnt right she cared about her fans dat bitch just drinks shyt n wails ughhhh

  24. endywood permalink
    May 19, 2009 10:34 pm

    They both have already won, just like they both have already said.

  25. May 19, 2009 10:30 pm

    Now that the show is over, the real fun begins! BRING ON THE TOUR!!! The tard watching is going to be spectacular.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 19, 2009 10:36 pm

      This year’s tard watching is going to be some of the finest entertainment ever. I just rubbed my hands together with glee.

  26. beinghonest permalink
    May 19, 2009 10:23 pm

    hey either way um voting 4 kris becuz kris needs 19 entertainment adam already has shyt lined up and the tour hasnt even started yet but I have 2 say kris will be lounging in his gavin degraw,john mayer,josh kelley esque talent

    • zelda permalink
      May 20, 2009 2:56 am

      Both the top 2 get contracts with 19… AND you are supposed to vote for the most talented not the one you worry about! LOL much pity for poor little Kris. Pathetic really if he wins because of this attitude.

      • TopIdol permalink
        May 20, 2009 9:13 am

        And they both get new cars!


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