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A walk down memory lane (or how I totally called this crap weeks ago)

May 20, 2009

I don’t know if you really care, but I figured it might be fun to take a walk down memory lane. With the help of cut & pasting, of course.

Yeah. I totally called this Top 2 a good while back. It seems like forever, doesn’t it? And now it’s almost over! Time flies when you’re watching a shit show.

Check it out after the jump.

Top 13 (Michael Jackson Week)

Kris Allen (Remember The Time)
..I guess his performance was fine, hell, it was better than the original just because I hate the original and can only remember some mind-numbing video about Egypt when I think about it. So it’s not great, I don’t know. I was still kind of distracted by his bizarro hybrid-ness. Paula says Simon is undressing her when you and I both know, she’s just hammered and her feathers are falling and sticking to the remnants of her Gokey-gasm.

Adam Lambert (Black or White)
One of the reasons I’m partial to Adam is that I also know what it’s like to hate one’s light-colored hair. I wonder if he chose this song because well, come on! Look at how he sang the song about equality?? This is the closest thing to a coming out EVER seen on Idol. He’s clearly not hiding anything. Sweet. Sure, I can see where some people may call him screechy, but he’s fun. He knows how to perform. The guy has talent. And yeah. I totally dig the fact he is a gay jew. Take that Fundie Idol!

Top 11 (Grand Old Opry)

Kris Allen (To Make You Feel My Love)
Oh yeah. Back to Hot By Default Fundie Boy who is gonna sing a ballad. Personally, I don’t care what he sings. I just want to see Bland Blonde Elementary School Teacher Wifey make more bitch faces this week. Eeek. For a moment, he made me think of last year’s Mormon Eunuch! I want to dislike this guy more than I do, but his voice doesn’t make me wretch. He’s just kind of…there…he’s like Switzerland. This is actually a fairly decent performance. He makes some funny faces while singing, though, like where he appears to be wincing. Ok. Final note just made me wince.

Adam Lambert (Ring of Fire)
..When Lambert eye-fraks the camera, I find it amusing. It doesn’t give me the piss shivers like Greasy Constantine. Because it’s so damn gay. This shit is so damn cabaret. I would only enjoy this at a drag show or cabaret. The scary whitehead woman next to Randy Travis was sooooo not having it. Paula heralds him for being true to himself as an artist (read between the lines here, folks). I can’t begrudge this guy because he’s one of the most interesting performers on this show, yet, that is not a song I would ever listen to outside of going to a gay bar. Simon thinks it is absolute indulgent rubbish. And horrific.

Top 10 (Motown Week)

Kris Allen (How Sweet It Is)
Hot By Default Fundie Boy is a solid performer, but irks me because he’s a huge fan of John Mayer. Pathetic. His How Sweet It Is with guitar is pleasant enough, but this dude just doesn’t tickle my loins or anything. (Do chicks have loins?) He’s kind of blah. He’s pleasant but boring. But he has a really good voice and I totally see this guy sneaking into the Top 4.

Adam Lambert (The Tracks of My Tears)
..Yeah, the dude is talented, but to be honest, I’m tiring a bit of his super high ‘n’ somewhat screechy voice. I hate chicks who always wail, hell, Christina Augilara, Mariah Carey, all those bitches to is try and out-octave each other. Its not pleasant. I am starting to feel like I should group Lambert in with them. Just because you can go that high doesn’t mean you should do this each and every time you frakking sing. And I want to root for Adam Lambert, I really, really do. But I’m just not there yet. Of course, since he’s not going anywhere, I know I’ll be forced to do it at some point, just because I don’t want the yahoo-performing-next [Gokey] to win.

Top 9 (Top iTunes Downloads)

Adam Lambert (Play That Funky Music)
..Jesus. He just keeps screeching and gyrating. I’ll give him props for actually doing appropriate little spins and crotch thrusts, but…too much screeching. Can we just get it over with and have him sing You Could Be Mine? Or Sweet Child Of Mine? If only Slash, Adler and Duff owned all of G’N’R’s music, then we would be all set. Just stick Adam Lambert in as their front man. Everybody’s problems are solved. Except Axl’s, I guess.

Kris Allen (Ain’t No Sunshine)
Hot By Default Fundie Boy is gonna play the piano. He likes to make old songs new. I just want him to be the one to bust out a keytar. I really hope all of Evangelical America starts throwing their votes behind Hot By Default because he is a way, way cooler man of god. I know all of the Kradam fans are wishing he sang “he” instead of “she”, but whatevia. I’m sure they will learn how to deal with it by fantasizing about post-performance naughties going on in the Lambert-Allen room of the Idol Manse. And hey, they can concentrate on the fact he sings really super close to the microphone (OMG PHALLIC!).

Top 8 (Songs from the Year You were Born)

Kris Allen (All She Wants to do is Dance)
..Hot By Default has the guitar and has changed the arrangement of pretty terrible song, making it somewhat listenable. I mean, hell. It’s still crap. It’s The Eagles. I hate The Eagles. Actually, it’s Don Henley, but it’s the same goddamn thing. Don Henley can suck it. The guy sang Dirty Laundry, one of the stupidest songs ever written for chrissake.

Adam Lambert (Mad World)
Excellent song choice, taking on Mad World, but the Donnie Darko version as done by Gary Jules. Ok. Lambert, I’m liking you tonight. I have a feeling you’ll shoot the original version of this song up to the iTunes Top 10, too, so please, keep control. Keep the screeching to a minimum. You’re still being totally gay and theatrical and talented, just don’t screech. I’m okay with you right now.

Top 7 (Idol Goes to the Movies)

Adam Lambert (Born to Be Wild)
Yes, he’s talented and granted, I am digging his stage antics a bit tonight. And he is screeching slightly less than I imagined. Yes, he is good. Yes, this performance is good. We know he is good. We know the judges want to hump his leg. Why not just end the competition now because no one else is going to win the damn thing?..By his on-the-knees, screeching finale, I suddenly loathe him again. Because he screeched and all the reasons I listed above. I like this guy, but I hate this guy.

Kris Allen (Falling Slowly)
Yeah. Exactly. (Suck it, Gokey.) That’s why I called this shit 3 days ago! And yes, I love this song, btw. I also adore the movie and the entire soundtrack. Hot By Default could totally frak this up right now but I don’t give a rat’s ass. He wins tonight. Hands down. Hot By Default has won me over this evening, despite looking too much at times like this worthless sleazebag I once knew. Despite being an Evangelical Christian. Despite being a fan of John Mayer. Despite making sometimes bizarre faces during his performance. Despite having an boring-ass Barbie doll for a wife at way too young an age. He has truly done the unthinkable. Hot By Default should be going all the way to the end for a goddamn Kradam finale.

Top 7 Part Deux (Disco)

Kris Allen (She Works Hard For The Money)
..But guess what? He completely revamped this song into something uh, almost cool. I actually want to hear the studio version of this because yeah, I’m actually curious. And that’s the first time I’ve been curious all season…Hello? KILLER ENDING. How the frak are people creaming themselves over Gokey when this guy is on the show? Really. Could someone PLEASE answer this question for me, because that was one of the more interesting takes I’ve seen on a song this season.

Adam Lambert (If I Can’t Have You)
..I wish the dude would stop wearing so much goddamn makeup because he looks like a wax figure, although I know he is totally angling to be part of Mac Cosmetics’ Viva Glam campaign in 2010…Paula is clearly creaming herself about 20 seconds in, of course, she manages to also show off glorious new designs from the PAULA ABDUL JEWELRY COLLECTION!

(NOTE: I was obviously tired that night because that really wasn’t a valid critique of his performance. I admit it. Oh well. Whatevia.)

Top 5 (Rat Pack Classics)

Kris Allen (The Way You Look Tonight)
I think he was better in rehearsals than during the show, however, I think there is even something more honest about him when seeing him live. No, I don’t want to kidnap him and stick him a cage where I read to him Richard Dawkins every night until he succumbs to Stockholm Syndrome and becomes my cabana boy. I just think the kid has some understated talent and was meant to be cannon fodder on this show, making it farther than anyone ever intended. But there is a genuine honesty in his performances and yes, I totally got excited when I saw the prepackage (they do play these at rehearsals on that big screen, which really isn’t all that big in reality) and Jamie Foxx expressed his excitement and desire to record an album with him. Finally! Dude gets some props. Hell, Tarentino, Jamie Foxx…but he can never get total and complete love from the judges.

Adam Lambert (Feeling Good)
Lambert does his typical Lambert thing and yes, he is good. The guy is never not good, but I guess the thing about him is, there is nothing he will ever do to “wow” me. He’s better than most anyone they’ve had on the show, his skill level, his technical talent, his vocal range, but I’m not big into the latter. I just like interesting voices. And so much of his performance seems like just that, a performance with over-the-top emoting. I don’t really get anything genuine out of it, except the fact I think, wow, holy shit, the guy can wail. But I just think that he’s almost so good, he’s boring. Does that make sense?
I think I would have enjoyed this performance A LOT more, however, had he just said it was the Muse version. Granted, they edit that shit, but it just bothered me and it was all I could think about throught every high-octave note held for endless amounts of time. This guy is almost technically perfect, but could I listen to an entire album of his? Ever? I have no idea.

Top 4 (Rock)

Kris Allen (Come Together)
..I’m actually kind of digging this performance, and he is stretching his voice, so to speak, but it works so much better on this number than when he was forced to scream to keep up with a guy whose musical education comes from an obnoxious preacher at a pulpit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like this kid and totally feel like defending him right now. Plus, he might actually put out something I could buy a couple of songs off of, so…

Adam Lambert (Whole Lotta Love)
Obviously, Screech isn’t going to blow Rock Week. Did anyone have any doubts? Granted, he’s good. He’s a professional. But is there a difference in tonight’s performance over his other “rock” ones? Hmmm…I do actually like his energy and the way he feeds off the band, but of course he ends with a super high Screech note, however, it does work with the song. Oh, and he said woman while thrusting. Surefire way for you to keep those delusional ladies voting for you, sweetheart!

Top 3 (Judges’ and Contestants’ Choice)

Kris Allen (Apologize)
..The arrangement isn’t different from the original, but I’m still not sure how much you can do with this song. Did you know Hot By Default also plays the viola? I used to play the viola, so you know, that’s cool. The viola is an awesome instrument, much like Hot By Default, it gets no love. As per usual, Hot By Default is good and obviously “feels” the music.

Adam Lambert (One)
I’m not feeling Lambert’s version yet, it sounds kind of…well, I’m just used to the duet version mentioned above. While I appreciate the interpretation, I…well, this feels like something you would hear on the Jerry’s Kids Telethon….Honestly, I would venture to say that’s the weakest Lambert performance to date.

Kris Allen (Heartless)
I was looking forward to this one more than any other performance. I totally admit it. Once again, Hot By Default Cannon Fodder does something really, really fraking cool. Like I might listen to the studio version to see if I like it…and buy it. I haven’t bought one Idol song this entire season.

Adam Lambert (Cryin’)
Lambert can wail like the best of them. His octaves are insane. He’s talented. I think I say that about five times with each post, but this song isn’t doing it for me, either. I was definitely annoyed by the complete jump into the chorus from the opening line. And I still feel his performances are simply, well, performances. While he’s the most superior vocalist on the show, there is something always missing for me. While it was certainly better than One, I just…well, I’ve never been a fan of those who can hit huge notes. I think music is just a bit more than that, sorry. I think Lambert is very caberet. And its not that I dislike cabaret, I just don’t like it all the time.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. endywood permalink
    May 20, 2009 11:47 pm

    Yea, they both are awesome but I think most people thought Adam would win. I know I did.

    • TopIdol permalink
      May 21, 2009 12:24 am

      I think they both won. Period.

      People take this stuff too seriously, ya know? And those are the people who can ruin careers.

      • deez permalink
        May 21, 2009 12:30 am

        Some of the crazy cougars you rubbed elbows with at Dress Rehearsal are probably planning their revenge as we speak.

      • martmart permalink
        May 21, 2009 4:45 am

        Logically, I completely agree, and am honestly anticipating the Glambert’s next move, as well as Kris’ (which doesn’t include hurricanes on mountains, or something).

        But emotionally, and mostly irrationally, I’m surprised at how much I (and many, many others) wanted the symbolism and meaning of his win. (Which is ridiculous in the first place, because the dude hasn’t uttered those three words and probably won’t for some time.)

        But the combo of symbolic and actually deserving is so rare, and it feels like this was a chance that won’t show up again for a long time, if ever (this shit show can’t run on forever, Simon Fuller will tire of swimming in money, and drinking money-smoothies, and generally making sweet, sweet love to money, eventually).

        Going back to logic, I’m glad he’ll be out of the idol trappings a little quicker than Kris, who I appreciate for his seemingly affable persona, but who does virtually nothing for me musically.

        Thus, que sera, sera, the mantra of the sad-for-a-couple-of-minutes-till-I-slap-myself-in-the-face-after-realizing-that-I’m-worrying-over-a-shit-show person.

  2. NinjaTypist permalink
    May 20, 2009 11:29 pm

    Justice was served. I think Adam’s the better performer, but he will be free to do his music his way after the summer tour. AI now has to figure out how to make Kris marketable. Adam already has it down. It basically came down to who’s style America (at least the voting crowd) liked better. They were both musically talented and the performances last night were practically flawless in my opinion.

  3. deez permalink
    May 20, 2009 11:22 pm

    Yikes. Poor HBD. He’s gonna have all kinds of backlash, I hope nutty Adam fans don’t throw rotten tomatoes and crap at him. It’s not his fault. I felt sorry for the guy up there on the stage, he looked so apologetic about winning. I fear that hate X 10 to the power of 25397653367809834
    is coming his way. (don’t kmow how to type exponents)

  4. Mississippi Kate permalink
    May 20, 2009 10:19 pm

    Well based on this latest AI voting wrong. I will promise to never watch AI again. What a farce. I live in Mississippi, I’m and Evan. Christian, and I don’t even believe the right contestant won.

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