Quit your bitching. KRADAM won. And they even made me SMILE.
Can you believe it? It’s all over after tonight (except for the batshit crazy fan antics I’m looking forward to once the PopTarts tour gets underway, of course)!
And we’ve got to trudge through over two hours of America’s greatest shit show. Are you ready? I am. But as I said last night, I really don’t care who wins because I don’t think either of them care. And I like it. So tonight? Well, tonight’s just gonna be a night when two nice guys do good for themselves.
There were almost 100 million votes or something. And then Ryan Seacrest pays tribute to the four who have professionally guided the contestants this season.
Professionally guided? Are you kidding, dawg? Are you kidding me?
Okay, whew. Seacrest was totally kidding about that professional guidence shit, and clever editing proves Randy Jackson’s vocabulary is as limited as Shit For Brains DioGuardi’s songwriting abilities. (That’s right, sweetie.)
Now let’s watch Paula’s vocal prowess. I wish I could explain what I find so appealing about Paula Abdul, but I’m at a loss. All I know is that it’s not Idol if there is no Paula.
And once again, Simon is wearing a collared shirt. This one is for my mom, who thinks Simon Cowell is hot. Granted, she only knows how to get to my blog if I send her the link, despite my repeated attempts to teach her the concept of bookmarking.
Don’t you hate it when they stick the contestants in all white? I know I do. But let’s check out their families, where I once again wonder how HBD arrived on this planet with dark brown hair, as everyone in his immediate family seems to have been Children of the Corn. (And it looks like the St. Louis Lambert fantards are back in the house. I bet they love that they have to fly back home into Lambert International Airport. Holla.)
Seriously, why are these poor bastards wearing angelic white? Couldn’t they have lied and said they were on their period or something to try and get out of it? Okay…I guess that wouldn’t have been very believable.
They sent Mikalah Gordon to Conway, Arkansas. Remember Mikalah? I would have sworn she would be doing porn by now but it looks like she’s still shilling for Idol. As per usual, the kiddies are stuck in the front because hey, we don’t want anyone to think its middle-aged women voting for Idol contestants now, do we?
And they sent Carly Smithson down the 405 (oh, the 405, I feel like I intimately know the 405 now. And the 110. And I think there was a 105, too. Oh, LA. I do kind of miss your tacky bizarro world charm.). Smithson might not make it out of there alive, as she is in clear danger of being suffocated by posterboard.
(And Someone was holding up a 3-D sign asking Adam, Can I Be Your Eve?)
Wow. Ok. Let’s get on with this shit show. Isn’t it time for a horrible group sing? Of course it is!
And everyone is in white. And everyone looks like a douchebag. And I really hope Casper gets her period on national TV because she’s wearing all white and I hate Casper.
WHY OH WHY DOES QUATTO THE MOLE KEEP HIDING FROM ME???
They even gave Jasmine Murray a solo, but most of the solo camera shots were on Lambert. But I’m glad we got to see a little of Jorge Nunez, whose natural enthusiasm and effervensence always makes me smile.
I guess there was a commercial or something, but now David Cook is there. And people are swaying. Cook is singing Permanent, which I believe is dedicated to his brother who recently died after a 10-year battle with brain cancer. All proceeds from downloading the song will be donated to ABC2, a cancer charity.
There is something I like about David Cook. I can’t help it. Whatevia. Poor guy has some of the most batshit crazy fans, but hey, I give him credit for trying to ellude them and their stalker tactics. I have hope for him, although I wonder if the black armband is a bit over-the-top? Well. I’m gonna cut him some slack since his brother just died. And frankly, I’ve just always kind of been rooting for David Cook to make it.
GOLDEN IDOL AWARDS?
Michael Gurr (I remember him! He needed to eat the banana, right? There was some guy who needed to eat a banana.)
Ok. This is sad. I think I remembered all of them. Wait. Except this Dean-Anthony person. And I totally would have remembered that one. I have never seen him before. Oh wait…carpet matches the drapes…this does ring a bell.
HOWEVER, we all know there is only ONE TRUE OUTSTANDING MALE. And that is the one, the only Normund fraking Gentle.
Why oh why did he not make it to the Top 13???
(And I assume Twatiana del Toro will be receiving the Outstanding Female award, right?)
I love you, Normund. I will love you forever and I’m telling you I’m not going. YES! YES! YES!
And this is just one reason why Normund Gentle / Nick Mitchell will go down as one of the greatest contestants in the history of this shit show.
I want that perch. That is power.
Sorry, Seacrest. You just can’t pull off the Greatness of Gentle.
And now onto someone awesome singing with someone mediocre…
Cue The Rain
Lil Rounds & Queen Latifah
I’m sorry. Lil Rounds may be a perfectly nice chick with an adorable family, but come on? Making QUEEN LATIFAH take the stage with her? Are you serious? Yeah, I guess you are. Since I’m watching it.
Here is irrefutable proof: Queen Latifah is such a goddess, she can pull off intense spandex with nary a camel toe. You, Lil Rounds, cannot.
Maybe its more that I’m paying attention to her exquisite talent that a camel toe is meaningless. Because if you’re gonna sport camel toe, you better have the vocal chops to distract from the camel toe. And that’s a lesson we all can live by, so remember it. But its doesn’t take camel toe to prove how superior Queen Latifah is to Ms. Rounds, as she basically wipes the stage with her not-so-Lil ass as fast as you can say Easy, Breezy, Cover Girl.
(Ok. I can sooo not wait for Terminator: Salvation. That might be #1 on my to-do list for the next 48 hours.)
Casper, Anoop & Jason Mraz…and the rest of the contestants
Nooooo. I can’t take this Jason Mraz song any more. Poor Anoop. Hell, poor Jason Mraz, poor guys are forced to share the stage with Casper Twat, who manages to dirty herself up more every time I see her, hell, I swear those poor dudes…and wait! The rest of them are there now, too! They’re all gonna catch Casper VD, which is why I suspect Quatto has been undercover lately. Poor Quatto has been using every antibiotic ointment possible but he still can’t get rid of that awful itch.
Now let’s take a walk down memory lane with Hot By Default. Although I’m kind of excited to see his audition…but I don’t think we’re gonna get to? Have we ever seen his audition?
Yes! M.R.S. Allen is rubbing her hands together with glee, as she may be envisioning her future in Hollywood. Yes, sweetie, a girl can dream, but honey, I just don’t think you have what it takes. But I wish you the best of luck. Of course, couldn’t you have gotten a good spray tan at some point?
Kiss A Girl
Kris Allen & Keith Urban
I still don’t understand this pairing, except for the fact they both play guitar, are slender white dudes and both have wives with minimal facial movement. I think Idol is trying to angle poor HBD as a country singer, since you know, he’s from Arkansas and Sarver was never gonna get very far. Oh, Idol, and you claim to know the artist HBD will be, yet…I suspect you have alterior motives. Because Urban isn’t country-country. He’s from Australia! And gets Adult Contemporary airtime! Sneaky, Idol, very sneaky.
Jesus Christ, I hate this stupid Fergie song.
Glamorous / Blanket Song
Female Idol Contestants & Fergie…eventually with The Black Eyed Peas
Hey, Casper. You will NEVER be as hot as Megan Joy so just give it up and go back to your trailer. And I know that thing you’re wearing in your hair was removed from the grill of your pickup so don’t even play.
OH NO! No Fergie is singing that god-awful song about the blanket and crying and I just hope she doesn’t piss on herself. Granted, Fergie looks better as a brunette. The rest of the Black-Eyed Peas are allowed to come on stage. Well, thank flying spaghetti monster. Of course, I was really hoping they would sing Let’s Get Retarded as a dedication to Shit For Brains DioGuardi.
I think there was some sort of technical malfunction, or something was censored (Did Fergie pee?) which just prolonged the boredom and I am so wondering how Fergie got to be as popular as she is, did she blow some important industry types during her Kids Incorporated days? I’m CLUELESS. Because this chick just…she can’t dance, she sings songs about blankets and she pissed on herself in public. Yet, here I sit in my apartment. I’ve pulled all those antics and then some and not one goddamn city will give me a key.
More Golden Idols
Bikini Butterface (Roadwhore)
Alexis Cohen (The chick who gives the finger. I liked her.)
Tiffany Shedd (Roadwhore)
I’m assuming this goes to Bikini Butterface…who will wear a bikini…BIG SURPRISE. Seriously? (Simon mouths out wow to Randy.) Must we encourage this Butterface and her delusions of grandeur?
Because she had to maul Seacrest. Just put her on Sunset Tan, Seacrest. She would fit right in.
I was gonna ask you what’s new but now I know.
And that might have been one of the more amusing things Seacrest has ever said. How sweet. Her faux-Idol fame (Andy Warhol never accounted for reality TV in his prediction, because losers like this don’t get 15 minutes of fame, they get 5 if they’re lucky. And I think she’s at 4:59 right now.)
Why the hell are these people letting her sing? Ugh. And the bitch looks more worn than before. Then OMG! Shit For Brains comes out on stage, looking as if she just did the walk of shame again.
This is fabulous. Two twats humiliating themselves on national TV. Oh Shit For Brains, you just NEVER learn. You wrote a shit coronation song EVERYONE loathes and THEN you go in full-cougar mode on stage and strip down to your own bikini.
Wow. That was just…that was amazing. Kara Shit For Brains DioGuardi, you never cease to amaze me. If humiliating oneself can be classified as artistry, you’re fraking Michaelangelo. (Charity my ass. You just wanted to show everyone hat you looked like in a bikini.)
Even David Cook and his buddies wonder what they just watched! This will probably be the only nice thing I ever say about Bikini Butterface or Shit For Brains, but I certainly hope they’ve seen bodies that good since being on tour, because I’ve seen photos of the ones who’ve let it all hang out at their shows.
Let’s wash that taste out of mouths with a little talent now, shall we?
Time After Time
Allison Iraheta & Cyndi Lauper
This is totally sweet. La Princesa and Cyndi Lauper. And its a duet which works, even though La Princesa is so very young, she still exhibits a, dare I say, star quality that goes beyond experience. Lil Rounds may be several years older, but watching her with Queen Latifah just proved how Lil her “star quality” is. Watching La Princesa with Lauper, well, it just works.
And now we get to talk to HBD’s parents. I’m not sure about Momma Allen’s dress, well, on her, but…I just love his parents. They’re just too damn cute. And where or where did the wife go? I can understand if no one wants to hear her speak, I mean, can she?
And now we have Lambert’s adorable parents, but just as we’re settling down for a lovely little chat, it’s cut devestatingly short!
Hello / Lionel Richie Medley
Danny Gokey & Lionel Richie
WHY OH WHY are you letting Gokey duet with Richie when it should only be sung by Richie and / or David Cook in any Idol format. And I’m sorry, but you cannot karaoke it without a goddamn sculpted Richie head. It just doesn’t work that way.
And Richie isn’t even singing Hello! Blasphemy! And I don’t even know what this song is, which makes me feel kind of bad. Oh well. I know what will make me feel better. Blind people sculpting shit makes me feel better.
Now they’re singing All Night Long. I know that one. But can someone please bring out a sculpted head? You know Blind Guy sculpts shit because he’s a fraking genius with a bunch of degrees and interests. Sadly, I do not get the sculpted head I always wanted (Hell, I might take a sculpted head over a key to the city at this point) and the song ends with a trademark Gokey WHOO.
We are now watching Adam Lambert’s Idol journey. I’m kind of pissed we were short-changed on the convo with his parents. His mom has some serious style, plus, his dad just has the driest sense of humor, but nooooo. We had to go hear Gokey do Hello without the benefit of a sculpted head.
Beth? / Detroit Rock City / I Wanna Rock & Roll All Night
Adam Lambert & Kiss
And such nice quiet vocals from Lambert singing to someone named Beth. He’s wearing something last seen on Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, but I guess that’s ok when you’re on stage with Kiss.
While Kiss does look a bit ridiculous wearing all that makeup while this month’s issue of the AARP lies waiting in each of their mailboxes, they do, somehow pull it off. And for chrissake, they’ve held up a lot better than those corpses drug out for the Disco Week Results Show a month ago, right?
Black Magic Woman
Matt Giraud & Santana
While I can’t deny Santana is a mad guitarist, dude totally sold out singing shit with Rob Thomas. But tonight, he is singing with Matt Giraud (Quatto The Mole sings silently underneath the hat, desperately trying to keep from scratching himself silly over whatever it was he caught from that quickie with Casper in The Olive Garden bathroom. Manga bene!)
Oh shit. I think Quatto The Mole has heard me talking about him and got all sad and jealous or something because now my DVR is frozen in the same spot! Nooooo! Whew. Crisis adverted.
But as soon as the crisis ends, the dreadful Smooth starts up and Idol contestants are EVERYWHERE. Again, it is Lambert’s show, but wait! Jorge Nunez gets the spotlight for a moment! Go Jorge!
Yay! Charming-yet-goofy singing faces from HBD.
But when they start harmonizing, well, that just ain’t harmony I hear. That’s shit. And Casper continues to wear less clothing! Does she think if she dirties herself up even more, she’s gonna get back into the competition or something? Or at least allowed onto the tour? Its incredible! I think she was jealous of the Bikini Butterface and Shit For Brains humiliating themlselves. But Heather Locklear is in the audience and is like whatevia, I can kick your ass ya little blond twit.
FORD COMMERCIAL HELL
This is the equivilent of a sitcom clip show. Screech and HBD just sing against a backdrop of this season’s previous commercials.
And now, David Cook is going to give HBD and Screech their new Fords, which is fine with me, because now we don’t have to see the big presentation on the Idol stage. And hell, the whole “winning of the Fords” thing is soooo anti-climactic at this point now.
MOST RANDOM IDOL PAIRING / TRIO EVER
Megan Joy…Michael Sarver…and Steve Martin on banjo
Now I’ve seen Martin play banjo before, but this is just bizarro. And hey, I do love me some Steve Martin. And I love me some Megan Joy. But this shit is weird. It’s like An Idol Prarie Home Companion or some such nonsense. Naturally, Megan Joy looks beautiful, and I can’t wait until she gets even more formal vocal training and cuts a killer album. Trust me on this one. IT WILL HAPPEN.
OH FRAKING NO WAY
Ok. I gotta admit. I love this song. And I LOVE the “video”.
Do You Think I’m Sexy / Maggie Mae
Male Idol Contestants & Rod Stewart
You can always count on Rod Stewart for memorable wardrobe choices. He can pull shit off Randy Jackson only DREAMS of doing. And hell, he’s Rod Stewart, which means he doesn’t even have to sing with any of them.
The Final Golden Idol Award of the Evening
Outstanding Female (as if we don’t already know)
Tatiana Nicole del Toro (I’m sorry. I will always hate Twatiana, even if I can appreciate the comedic value in her existence.)
Gee…I wonder, maybe since Paula announced it on HSN last night, it’s just even LESS surprising.
Ruben Studdard wonders what the hell is going on…
While Twatiana sings her signature Whitney shit and gets “taken off the stage”. Lame. But I still the think the twit could have work a dress that fit properly…and wasn’t in a wintery shade.
Wow. It’s almost over. And one of those poor guys is gonna have to sing that god-awful song again, er, I mean, one of these lucky bastards will be the NEW AMERICAN IDOL.
But first…a duet! (I was hoping for Paint It Black, but…)
We Are The Champions
Adam Lambert & Kris Allen…with what is left of Queen
More dry ice! A big black choir! Fallen Idol contestants kept at bay on the steps above (watch out for that Casper, she still thinks she might win the whole damn thing by a write-in vote).
And Gokey, are you watching? This is how you’re supposed to sing a duet. Holy shit. I just realized I was sitting here with an honest-to-goodness smile on my face.
I’m still smiling, even though I had to see Casper again, and Paula and Shit For Brains feign friendliness, almost messing up such a lovely vision of Adam Lambert, Brian May and Kris Allen in smoke-filled bliss.
Simon Cowell’s last words:
I thought you were both brilliant, unusually incredibly nice people, and I think both of you should be very proud of what you achieved last night and the future is all yours.
And here is the envelope, but I totally don’t think Lambert or HBD care, even though there was a world record or something with nearly 100 million votes cast.
OH MY FUCKING GOD. (Yeah. I said fuck this time. I bypassed frak because of the magnitude.) See, somehow, somehow…I JUST KNEW.
ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?
Right now, a bunch of Lambert tards are probably whipping up batches of Flavor Aid in their Guyana of their feeble little minds.
It feels good man, but…Adam deserves this. I’m sorry! I don’t even know what to feel right now.
HBD can’t believe it! Neither can the judges! Neither can his family! Except, M.R.S. Katy Allen, I think. I see visions of fame dancing in her eyes, don’t you? I bet she once whispered in his ear during a church retreat back when they were fifteen, I’ve just always wanted a boy who could get me out of little old Arkansas.
The judges, well…Simon isn’t very good at hiding his disbelief or disappointment, now is he?
Poor HBD. Now he has to sing that shitateous song. And he’s sooo not grinning because he won, that’s the smile of a guy who can’t believe he actually has to utter such drivel about hurricanes and mountains in front of a packed out and millions of at-home viewers.
In the four seasons I’ve watched American Idol, there has never been a finale where I thought both the contestants deserved to be there. So tonight, well, I kind of enjoyed it, and never have I ever seen such a charming what-am-I-doing here acceptance “speech” as that of Hot By Default’s.
Do I think a bunch of Christian zealots voted in droves to ensure HBD would triumph over Lambert once Gokey was out? Not really. I think it may have had a bit more to do with the constant pimping of Adam Lambert, which, as in last year’s finale, probably drove a lot of people away from David Archuleta as well. The world is full of sheeple, but sometimes, even sheeple don’t want to take their orders from talking heads. (So VFTW! Yay! Victory is also yours!)
So you know what? I stand by what I said last night. Both of these guys won. Conway and California. Guy-Next-Door and Guyliner. Believer and Fudgepacker. They’re both gonna make records. They’ve both received a brand new Ford hybrid. And they’ve both gotten themselves a cadre of batshit crazy fans who will follow them to the edge of the earth and back again.
So quit your bitching. They’re both winners.
But good job, Sheeple. Not only did you get the Final Two right, but you made it a somewhat memorable Idol finale for even this black-hearted hater.