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SYTYCD Top 20: Holy Booze! Holy Bollywood! Holy Botox!

June 11, 2009

Cat Deeley is a goddess #1

Two hours of CAT DEELEY!!! Whoo hoo. She is such a goddess. Zelda Fitzgerald could not have even pulled off such stunning looks in her Parisian ex-pat days with F. Scott.

Okay. I’ve already decided I will hate Caitlin, who dresses kind of over-the-top skany in comparison to the others. And maybe Kayla. Because I hate “bubbly blond chicks” on these shows. Oh. And maybe Randi. Hell, she even spells her name with an i.

There should be only one blond on this show and her name is CAT DEELEY.

(I also want to know why Mia Michaels hates poor Brandon so much…perhaps I will have to wait until next week)

I have new babies!

And she said it without a teleprompter! And it was charming! Seacrest, please study this goddes intently and try to learn something. You can detect genuine enthusiasm with each vocal inflection.

And yay! Adam Shankman is here. And hell, Crazy Mary isn’t even pretending there ain’t rum in her drink. Christ, I love it. Each judge is sitting there with a plastic highball. Ooooh, And 1980s British Hair is looking more like himself than he did with that borderline crewcut he was sporting during Vegas Week.

Bring Crazy Mary Murphy another drink

Adam Shankman has already downed his drink and I may now have to see Step Up 3D because not only are Katee and Joshua in it, but TWITCH has a HUGE ROLE.

Ok…recap of auditions and stuff to that Fray song…Gotta admit, I’m still pissed about Natalie getting the boot. But as one TI reader suggested, she will most likely be one of the ones with a huge focus during the fall season, as it appears they built up a lot of this season’s cut dancers as potential big stars for this next round, so…

Jeanine & Phillip
Mad (Ne-Yo)

I already like Jeanine because she is a brunette with a relatively normal, strong-girl body. They’re doing a hip hop (lyrical hip hop) from Tabitha and Napoleon. I actually really like a lot of the choreographers on here, well, all except bitchy Broadway Tyce. Phillip is goofy looking in that big-earred, goofy way which somehow works for white dudes doing hip hop, but not for white dudes who just dress like they can do hip hop.

His popping and locking or whatever you call it is kind of insane. I think anyone paired with him would find it difficult to match each move exactly. He’s just to clean. Every move is just bam-bam-bam. But I like Jeanine, and she’s keeping up better than most people.

Jeanine & Phillip do lyrical Hip Hop (Mad)

But I will totally admit to hating the song. But yes, I love Cat Deeley.

Cat Deeley is awesome (with Jeanine & Philip)

Adam Shankman says its freaking unreal and says Jeanine held her own, despite her complete and utter lack of hip hop experience. I am such a sap. I love it when Shankman gets all moved by the dancers. I want to invite him to a dinner party and drink a bunch of Chilean Malbec with the man. I want him to try and teach me how to do some dancing and then laugh at me while saying, girlfriend, you got it all wrong. And then we will laugh and laugh and laugh.

Crazy Mary is on fire. Now fill up her cup! Bitch needs more booze! If anyone ever meets Crazy Mary, I want you to call me and put her on the phone. I want to hear how loud she speaks on a phone because the woman is unable to ever speak in a quiet voice. I bet they don’t even need to turn on her mic at the judge’s table. She is the personification of a crazy beautiful drunken megaphone.

Asuka & Vitolio
Hot Honey Rag (from Chicago)

1980s British Hair so outs himself as a little Asian girl fetishist whenever Asuka take the stage. NOOOOOO. Asuka & Vitolio are doing some dance choreographed by Broadway Tyce. I’m not denying his brilliance as a choreographer, I’m just not inviting him to my fabulous dinner party with myself, Shankman and a case of Chilean Malbec.

Broadway Tyce isn’t being as bitchy tonight. But his complete bitchy queen routine during the auditions made me hate him for the time being. Plus sometimes I just get so bored with that ragtime crap. Alas. I won’t judge…yet…I did enjoy Chicago. Actually, I liked the movie more than the stage version I saw in London in 2000, but I digress…

SYTYCD -- Broadway Tyce Diorio seems a little nicer tonight

Asuka & Vitolio are engaging, entertaining and endearing. Plus, I’m comforted by the fact we’ve now seen more racial diversity than witnessed in the Top 12 of American Idol. Oh, and Vitolio spent part of his childhood in an orphanage. In Haiti. And yet, I don’t think he’s started a charitable organization which he’s silently promoting with hand signals. His back story was hopeful and triumphant, and nothing more than a peek into this guy’s life. I did not feel force-fed all sorts of tragedy in that minute-long biography.

SYTYCD -- Vitolio & Asuka do a lame Broadway Tyce routine

Okay, okay, okay. I’ll try to stop giving you every reason why SYTYCD is a superior show to American Idol. Let’s hear what the judges say. And more importantly, let’s hear Cat Deeley spout off more awesomeness.

I do agree with Shankman’s comment about it being artificial. For some reason, I think all of Broadway Tyce’s dances may be artificial. Technically, it was great, but yeah, I’m seeing where they’re coming from. I’m even seeing where Crazy Mary was coming from. OMG. ALL THE JUDGES ARE SAYING THINGS WHICH MAKE SENSE AND CAN BE USED TO HELP IMPROVE THE DANCERS. No one said, you can dance the phonebook dawg!

Yeah, I had to compare again. Just bear with me, ok?

Karla & Jonathan
Poker Face (Lady GaGa)

Karla admits to having professional experience and touring with Wicked. Maybe she hung out with Adam Lambert. Personally, I find it nice this chick up and admitted some parts on Broadway and a national tour. That shit’s just a no-no on Idol.

Karla & Jonathan are doing the Cha Cha to Lady GaGa. Yeah, that shit RHYMED!  (I wonder if Lady GaGa will watch this and cry because it is not as ARTISTIC as she believes everything associated with her music should be.) Jonathan has those big blue eyes young girls go nutty for, yet I think just look girly and obnoxious. Sorry, I don’t like my men looking like puppy dogs. And Jonathan is a complete eyefucker, and that stuff just always skeeves me out when I’m sitting here all safe and comfy on my West Elm sofa (Product plug! Can I get a discount?). I feel the need to pull up the blanket just a bit further to protect me from all that VD in HD.

SYTYCD -- Karla has something in her eye while Jonathan eyefraks the camera

They’re good and it was fun. It was kind of cool when he spun her around like one of those music box dancers. The edit of Poker Face felt unfullfilling, but that crap happens when you have to make it under 2 minutes. At the end, I wonder if she is winking (in character!) or just got something in her eye. Jonathan eyefucks the girls in the front row. Because he wants the vote of all those who find that Zac Efron kid simply dreamy.

Apparently, Jonathan already has a voting bloc of sign-making sickos. Or they are family and friends. Hmmm…not sure which is more disturbing.

SYTYCD Jonathan already has tard signs

Shankman thought it was really good, even if he thinks their frame dropped a big. OMG I just love it so much when these judges talk technical. He spouts off some other technical criticism.

It’s earplug time.

Yes, 1980s British Hair knows what’s up. As does Shankman. Crazy Mary is at least four sheets to the wind at this point. She starts quoting Lady GaGa in her critique, screaming it was rough and fun while cackling. BRING THIS BITCH SOME MORE BOOZE!

1980s British Hair says they exploded with chemistry. Jonathan gives gayboy eyefuck to his Karla and then the audience. They’re both super excited! And how old is Jonathan, because I keep thinking he’s like 17.

Randi & Evan
I Only Have Eyes For You (Jamie Cullem)

Randi (with an I) is dancing with Evan, who I love. They’re also doing a Broadway Tyce jazz dance (yawn), although I’m sure Evan will nail that shit. Randi talks about being a “country girl”. I find her even more annoying. I hope Evan’s brother comes back next season, because you know they would never have put them both through the Top 20.

I guess Randi is married. Clearly too young. (Mormon?) While I think Randi-With-An-I has a great body, some of her moves suck. There is a zombie jerkiness to some of her moves. And I swear I’m not just saying this because she is a blond girl who married too young, might be Mormon and spells her name with an i. She could have been a single, godless liberal with dyed brown hair just like myself and I still would have mentioned zombie jerkiness in describing her performance.

(YAY! Pearl Cream just showed up. He woke up at 1pm, got some action, went to work, went to the gym and now came over to watch SYTYCD. Damn. Wish I had HIS life.)

Randi-With-An-I seems to have a bit of a hunchback. Damn! Her husband John is not in the audience. BOOO!!! HISS!!! I need to see them in matching aprons, dammit!

SYTYCD -- Cat Deeley with tiny couple she can fit in her pocket

Pearl Cream: She’s not hunchbacked, she’s just trying to be cutesy.

Me: I hate all blonds on reality TV except Cat Deeley. Hush now!

I really don’t hate Randi-With-An-I. I find it more difficult to hate people on SYTYCD more so than Idol. Awww. Evan’s brother-cut-for-the-sake-of-drama is in the audience with his other brother. Pearl Cream thinks he will have a good career as a choreographer now.

SYTYCD Evan's awesome brothers

Shankman waxes philosophical about their lines. I am totally pegging Evan and Robert in the Top 4 right now. I will put money on it.

YAY! During the commercial break (well, more likely during Randi & Evan’s dance, since she drinks fast) someone filled up Crazy Mary’s drink. It’s why she starts off a bit calm, just because she’s relieved someone gave her more booze.

SYTYCD -- Time to fill Crazy Mary Murphy's highball again!

Pearl Cream: They need to show someone coming by and refilling it.

YAY! Crazy Mary may have started out calm, but you know she’s just working up into some killer Crazy Mary-isms. She says something about the stars smoldering. And then she goes WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I just love the fact they booze it up on SYTYCD and do not even hide it under opaque Coca Cola tumblers. PLASTIC HIGHBALLS, baby, PLASTIC HIGHBALLS filled with Captain Morgan and Diet Coke.

1980s British Hair continues to cream all over Randi-With-An-I & Evan, and their routine. Beautiful Cat Deeley calls them the juciest little couple and wants to put them in her pocket. Cat Deeley, I love you.

Oooh! Bollywood Dance coming up! Bollywood Dance! Granted, I don’t know if it can surpass the magic of Katee & Joshua’s number from last year, but…Bollywood dancing! Bollywood dancing!

Paris & Tony
Let The Beat Rock (Boys Noise Megamix) (The Black Eyed Peas)

I recall liking Paris from the auditions. Poor Paris was in a bad car accident and couldn’t feel part of her leg for awhile, yet she doesn’t seem to be crying about it or begging me to donate to a car accident charity. Tony was torn between playing college lacrosse and dancing, and maybe getting on the show will convince his dad he wasn’t stupid for turning down that lacrosse scholarship.

They’re doing a hip hop routine. Pearl Cream thinks Tony is sooooo cute. Pearl Cream loves the fresh-faced younguns. I am now craving Captain Morgan and Diet Coke after watching the judges sip such goodness from their clear-blue highballs for the last hour.

Ok. Kind of already loving Paris and Tony, maybe because I liked her since Miami but these kiddies are pretty damn good, especially while forced to wear cumbersome headphones as part of their intense high tops and pleather costume. Even if they were a bit off sometimes, I loved it. I have no idea why, but I liked that shit, maybe because I wasn’t expecting it, perhaps?

Shankman likes it, but gives a few buts…Of course Daddy is gonna have a few buts. SYTYCD Drink Refiller person has not come over to refresh his beverage in some time. This ice is kind of melting.

SYTYCD -- Adam Shankman needs another drinky drink

Shankman finds their costumes distracting. Crazy Mary doesn’t think it will be memorable. She says they were just good. Awwww. Now I feel bad for Paris and Tony. 1980s British Hair agrees with Crazy Mary. Come on! They were the only ones forced to dance with DJ headphones! He tells them their stanks stank.

SYTYCD -- Tony & Paris get stuck with crappy outfitsI think you should vote for them because they were forced to wear garbage.

Caitlin & Jason
Jai Ho (from Slumdog Millionaire)

This chick was clearly picked only for her girl-next-door looks. It’s the only reason I can fathom for taking her over Natalie. Or even Caitlin’s sister! Pearl Cream thinks Jason is sooooo cute, even though he looks like a skinnier, younger version of Tracy Morgan.

I love Nakul’s Bollywood numbers, but this one isn’t my favorite, mainly because of the mismatching of the duo. Jason is a stronger dancer than Caitlin. Period.

Jason is so much better than Caitlin. He is sharper. They’re not always in tandem. In comparison to Jason, she looks as if she is going through the motions. And whoa. They kiss at the end? Or almost? There is no kissing in Bollywood movies.

SYTYCD Jason & Caitlin do Bollywood. Jason rocks, Caitlin sucks.

Cat Deeley is a charming goddess and tells them how beautiful they look. Pearl Cream has never seen Katee and Joshua’s Bollywood Dance, so we pause to watch it.

Pearl Cream: THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!

Me: I KNOW!!! Tonight didn’t even compare.

(I know I shouldn’t compare to last year, but…if you’ve seen the above clip, you know what I’m talking about.)

Uh, hello? Shankman thinks they ROCKED??? Yes, Jason was great, but Caitlin sucked. I can’t believe he thinks she did a great job.

All I can say is that I’M GLAD BOLLYWOOD CAME TO HOLLYWOOD. YES I AM WHOOOOOOOO

Ok, Crazy Mary. Slow down on your booze. Her handstand was not that awesome. I thought it was rather shaky.

SYTYCD Crazy Mary Murphy screams in Nigel Lythgoe's ear

Thank you, 1980s British Hair, for bringing up the awesomeness of Joshua & Katee, but I still don’t think they brought it as a couple. Jason may have brought it, but Caitlin…?

Tsk tsk, SYTYCD, why are you pimping the mediocre blond chick so hard? PLEASE don’t be like Idol!

Janette & Brandon
Come Fly With Me (Michael Buble)

Ok. I’m thinking this is the golden couple, but I’m not sure after the judges wet themselves over Caitlin, although I’m thinking she’s gonna be the equivilent of Kherington, who was pretty much just a decent partner for Twitch for a few weeks. Anyway, Janette & Brandon are going to do the Fox Trot to Michael Buble. Come on! Couldn’t you have used the Sinatra version?

I give props to anyone dancing in a dress like that, because frankly, it looks difficult as all hell. Neither Brandon nor Janette are familiar with the Fox Trot but I’m pretty impressed, especially by the end when Brandon effortless spins her around from LA to Montana and back.

Shankman thinks they were great and that Brandon finally showed character in his performance.

CRAZY MARY TELLS THE WORLD SHE USES BOTOX. And then goes YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

SYTYCD -- Brandon & Janette react to Crazy Mary Murphy's admission of Botox usage

Everyone, including the Goddess Cat Deeley and Brandon & Janette completely lose their shit.

I can’t believe I just said that!

Oh Crazy Mary, I can believe you just said it. Because you’re Crazy Mary and you are also invited to my dinner party but no wine for you. You will only get Captain & Diet. Speaking of, I think you are needing your beverage topped off.

OMG Crazy Mary. You have outdone Paula. Clearly. It’s like the late 1990s and you’re Reese Witherspoon to Paula’s Alicia Silverstone.

Crazy Mary, do you sell lead-based costume jewelry? Because I totally want to buy some now.

SYTYCD Crazy Mary Murphy cannot believe she just admitted to using Botox

Crazy Mary kind of indirectly slams Mia by screaming that anyone who doesn’t think Brandon is talented is crazy. CRAZY. CRAZY!!!!

Ashley & Kupono
Felt Mountain (Goldfrapp)

Yay! Goldfrapp on SYTYCD. A jazz routine choreographed by Wade Robson about crash test dummies. And robot outfits! Yay! Goldfrapp & robot outfits! Well, actually they’re supposed to be crash test dummies, but I like calling them robots better. Because I adore robots.

Pearl Cream: Look! There’s a little doggy!

SYTYCD -- Wade Robson choreographs an amazing routine for Ashley & KuponoIndeed, there is a little doggy. And I’m a sucker for originality and robot stuff. I thought this dance was sweet, tender and touching in its own little way. It was cute and quirky. (Pearl Cream agrees, but that it worked more for Kupono than Ashley.) I agree with Shankman — I really love seeing different things AND few network reality shit shows ever put anything like this on stage. Even if these poor kids look like freaks in the post-performance spotlight.

SYTYCD -- Kupono & Ashley as crash test dummies

The judges loved it. 1980s British Hair even thinks Ashley managed to be beautiful while wearing a ridiculous costume. He loved the characters and the story they told. Agreed. This may be my favorite routine of the night. It’s nice when ingenuity is matched by talent.

Melissa & Ade
Right Here Waiting (Richard Marx)

Ah yes, Melissa. The naughty ballerina. I remember liking this chick oh yeah, because she is 29-YEARS-OLD. Melissa, bring it. Love you. Ade is awesome because he does his interview and dances with a pick in his hair (He also DJs and goes to Chapman University). They’re doing a Mandy Moore routine about falling in love, which required them to basically play dirty twister.

SYTYCD -- Ade dances with a pick and awesome "Naughty Ballerina" MelissaCheesetastic song! Damn, when Marx’s piano up and they start grooving on stage, I am sad because Ade is not wearing his pick! Their attire is simple and inoffensive, yet the ensembles are reminiscent of a romance paperback cover or a douche commercial. They have beautiful lines. They are graceful. They appear to have a genuine connection.

But are they, as Shankman claims, special? Pearl Cream and I watch again. He was too busy perusing Manhunt while I was too busy trying to aptly describe their outfits. Ok, the first time around, I did not give credit to the amazing lift. Pearl Cream doesn’t like her permasmile. I suggest maybe she is all permasmiley when she is in love.

I like Melissa and Ade. Plus I love it when Shankman gets all moved. And when Crazy Mary goes WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW.

How much do you wanna bet Crazy Mary is getting hot flashes like every 7 minutes. It would explain a lot of that hot tamale whoooooo stuff. Oh Crazy Mary, when I am a menopausal drunk, I do kind of want to be like you, abeit if only in the privacy of my own home.

Kayla & Max
House of Gypsies (Jum Bah Day)

Semi-skanky looking Kayla has a sob story, as does Max, who is Russian. But we all have sob stories and at this point, I can’t bitch. I just want to see them do Louis Van Amstel’s samba, even though I also wonder if he drinks Amstel Light just because his name is on the bottle.

Kayla needs to lay off the white trash peroxide. Only some people can pull it off and it never works with hair that long. They kind of rock it, but the song is super energetic. Pearl Cream thinks she looks like Paris Hilton doing the samba. They’re good, and she has killer legs, but she’s too trashy looking. I like Max better. And PC thinks her dress should have been red or black. I am inclined to agree.

Shankman loves them and says he believes in God because only God could have created a girl like Kayla. Yeah, well, he’s been drinking, too.

Pearl Cream: She looks like a hot mess.

SYTYCD -- Max is paired with Hot Mess MelissaOk. We’re laughing our asses off because yeah, she is a TOTAL hot mess. Hey, SYTYCD makeup crew: have you guys heard of WATERPROOF EYE MAKEUP.

Oh Shankman, if there is a God, I soooo don’t want to go to the Hot Mess Heaven where Kayla lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She has killer legs…and a butterface. Sorry, but…she really needs to throw some lowlights, oh, shit….

CRAZY MARY HEARS A TRAIN. CRAZY MARY HEARS A TRAIN!!!!!

SYTYCD -- Crazy Mary Murphy gets on the Hot Tamale Train

Oh frak me now. The HOT TAMALE TRAIN has pulled into the station. And I have no idea when 1980s British Hair picked up the Tony & Paris headphones. And clearly the HOT TAMALE TRAIN is here because Max & Kayla are the last couple of the night and CRAZY MARY NEEDS ANOTHER DRINK GODDAMMIT!!!

Yeah…a HOT MESS TAMALE TRAIN.1980s British Hair is totally pimping Hot Mess Tamale. Yawn.

Ok. And on the playback of routines, uh…Caitlin…she totally sucked compared to Jason. WEAK hand movements. Were the judges even watching her? Yes, the dance was awesome but she was sooooo beneath Jason.

Wow. Tonight’s episode made me want to both drink and dance!

And on that note. Let’s gaze at the awesomeness which is Cat Deeley one last time for the evening. Love you, Cat Deeley.

SYTYCD -- Goodnight for now, Cat Deeley

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. July 24, 2009 4:04 pm

    Hi, we also love SYTYCD. And amazingly enough, we just created a t-shirt with “Jai Ho” on it, and then we saw the dance number on the show. Check us out at http://www.yehhailife.com

  2. heather permalink
    June 16, 2009 1:30 am

    Hilarious review! I gotta agree the best dance of the night was Ashley and Kupono. They were awesome! This is a dance you can watch over and over and it gets better everytime. I recorded it and while the others were good, you could pick them apart each time. Not Ashley and Kupono’s crash test dummy dance… no way! I can’t find anything wrong with it and the more I watched it the more I LOVED it. I hope they both go really far in this competition. I could see either of them going all the way. They go beyond dancing and are actually true performers! Ashley Valerio is captivating and I can’t wait to see her when she is not hidden behind the costume, although she worked that costume- they both did- and not many people could do that. ***Spectacular***

  3. SarahBeth permalink
    June 11, 2009 10:57 am

    This made me laugh SO FREEKING HARD. OMG, I love your reviews. I could NOT STOP laughing at Mary last night. Evan and Randi were my favorite, hands down. Followed closely by Jeanne and Phillip. I thought actually everyone was really really good and that Samba at the end left me a bit breathless (although I do agree Kayla looked like Paris freeking Hilton).

    Thanks also for the link to Joshua and Katee from last season, I’ll check it out.

    Your reviews rock. That is all. 🙂

    And, btw, how freeking cute was Cat Deeley towering over Evan and Randi? I just want to stick them in my pocket too.

  4. June 11, 2009 8:13 am

    Just a small thing, but Vitolio is from Haiti, which is in the Caribbean, not Africa. I thought Caitlin totally sucked too. Her hand stand was good but she looked like she was struggling to keep up the whole way through.

    • SparkYouUpGirl permalink
      June 19, 2009 4:33 pm

      umm can u dance??

      • TopIdol permalink
        June 19, 2009 6:29 pm

        Can you spell or use correct punctuation?

  5. Dani permalink
    June 11, 2009 7:46 am

    Can you extend my thanks to Pearl Cream? I was watching last night trying to think who Jason reminds me of and it just wouldn’t come to me. I read this and BAM! Tracey Morgan! He is a younger, lighter version of Tracey Morgan.

    Oh and I agree on Caitlin, she was ok but her handstand was shaky and it looked like it was over just in time before she was going to fall.

    I almost voted last night for Vitolio and Asuka because they got shafted by that routine.

  6. June 11, 2009 4:53 am

    Really love your concise yet thorough review of the show!

    Gotta disagree a little on the Kayla comments — she’s my favorite — but other than that, probably one of the reviews I haven’t been super annoyed at reading. Hahaha good job and keep it up!

  7. June 11, 2009 1:30 am

    I’m so with you on Cat Deeley. None better.

    Not with you on Caitlin. I loved her dancing and her hand stand was brilliant.

    I’m with you on the Nauty Ballerina. Yeah for old people that can rock it. She and Ade really surprised me.

    Crazy Mary needs to go. Annoys the crap out of me.

    Best and most complete write up I’ve seen. Nice work!

    • TopIdol permalink
      June 11, 2009 8:23 am

      Crazy Mary is unlike any other living creature I have ever seen. And just when you think it can’t get any worse, she outdoes herself.

      Do you know the origins of this Hot Tamale Train? I just started watching last year and this has been perplexing me ever since.

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