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AI Top 13: Revisted b/c Michael Jackson died and summer programming blows (But its ok b/c I have Jesus Juice)

June 29, 2009

So Michael Jackson died the other day. The world wept into its Jesus Juice and started downloading all of his music. Everyone felt bad for making jokes about him for so long and started feeling sorry for him. They wondered whether or not they, and the media, made him a circus freak. At least for an instant. Then they went back to dancing to Thriller. More autopsies were ordered. Prescription drugs were confiscated. The names of a couple of sketchy doctors emerged. TMZ kept yelling about being a legitimate news source. People blared Beat It as they drove through the streets. The OxyClean guy died of heart disease less than 24 hours after getting off a plane with a blown tire and people Tweeted endlessly about OMG ALL THESE RANDOM FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE DYING. And then Michael Jackson’s father, Joe Jackson, started speaking out about the quasi-shocking tragedy. For some reason, he brought Rev. Al Sharpton with him because the Reverand Al hasn’t had much to do these days. And then Joe started pimping a record label he was working on because hell, why not multi-task when you’re holding a press conference for your dead pop icon son?

At this point everyone had forgotten about Neda, an innocent girl whose death during a protest in Iran was watched by millions. They also forget about Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon, who also died. And David Carradine, who had died a week before in Thailand, although there probably was no Lady Boy involved, it was still a bit… Somewhere along this crazy timeline of events, I gave a drunken monologue in a French restaurant while wearing heals, had to see a one-woman show about Judy Garland with my Gaysian (Pearl Cream), smoked a bunch of cigarettes and even went to one of those cute little cupcake bakeries. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was becoming the poor man’s Carrie Bradshaw 10 years too late.

Anyway, I digress. If the last week has proven one thing its that humans, just like Idol contestants and Fox programming execs, hate saying goodbye. So hey, why not re-air this year’s Top 13 episode showcasing the songs of Michael Jackson? Call it a tribute while making a few extra bucks. And what perfect timing? That little tour they do every summer where batshit crazy women enduring menopausal hot flashes give these young male karaoke singers homemade shirts, puffy-painted Bibles and stuffed bears is kicking off on Saturday.

I was really hoping for a bit of new content in tonight’s rerun. If VH1 and NBC can get some specials together, the least Idol can do is put Seacrest’s narration about Jackson in past tense. But I try not to expect much out of certain things, especially Idol, and right now I’m just really hoping they don’t cut La Princesa del Mariachi’s adorable comment about not being a cutter after her awesomely sick & fabulous rendition of Give In To Me.

Lil Rounds
The Way You Make Me Feel

Lil Rounds, your family was so adorable yet you were always so damn boring. You would think all that tornado shit would make you more interesting. Anyway, this was before they started outfitting Lil with proper wigs and / or extensions. Personally, over the last several days, I was reminded time and time again how The Way You Make Me Feel is just an all-around incredible pop song. In so many ways, it IS a perfect pop song.

Sadly, it is not so when Lil Rounds does it, even if you take away the distraction of the angelic chiffon eunuch top (Hey…wouldn’t an angel with one wing be a eunuch of sorts?), it still is soooooo karaoke. I mean, I can’t sing for shit, but when I do karaoke, you get a show. What I lack in vocal prowess I make up for with exceptional performance skills.

Wow, this was kind of worse than I remember. Perhaps because it was the first all-finalist episode of the season and I first watched it so long ago and am now sitting here knowing how it all went down, or maybe because I’ve heard The Way You Make Me Feel about 20x over the past 5 days.

Oh Jesus Christ. I just realized I had completely forgotten about the shrill horror known as Kara DioGuardi. Like, I just blocked her out of my memory and then I hear her voice, and it just all comes back…Studio 57…the piss-poor counting skills…the who are you as an artist? questions…ugh…going to pour myself a Captain & Diet Pepsi.

I have no idea what these judges are hearing. Perhaps once I get more intimate with my Captain, I will maybe understand their ludicriousness, but that might take a lot of booze and I have to work tomorrow.

Scott MacIntyre
Keep The Faith

Oh, Blind Guy, if it weren’t for the fact you had to sing a lot, I would adore you. You’re super-educated and some sort of genius, plus, you displayed throughout your Idol run a very twisted sense of humor. Oh. And props for not telling people about that kidney transplant.

Even though Jacko croaked, I still have not heard Keep The Faith. Ooooh. I totally forgot about Blind Guy walking around aimlessly on stage, which is adorable because its Blind Guy, and he never gave a rat’s ass.

Blah blah blah, Shit-For-Brains what I love about you is your message needs to just go somewhere very far away. Like Hades. Speaking of Hades, its kind of hot here and I think the ice in my Jesus Juice is melting too fast…does this mean I need to drink it faster?

It’s fine being artistic. Just not on this show.

Ah yes, how could I forget about that lovely Simon quote?

Ryan takes us to another break and says the pressure is on for Danny and Michael. I literally scrunched up my face in confusion and mouthed, Michael? Who? Oh yeah. Michael Sarver. Roughneck dude who was good for Armageddon quotes but that’s about it because he’s a sanctimonious Jesus freak who might harbor a deep amount of homophobia.

Ah, now I’ve seen the only piece of new content, a bump saying In Memory of Michael Jackson. And then I have to see Gokey dancing around a bunch of his relatives. (For some reason, I think tonight’s rerun may bomb ratings-wise, but that’s just something which occurred to me that I felt like typing.)

Danny Gokey

Was it really smart to re-air this In Memory of Michael Jackson when its just kind of uh, bastardizing his memory even more so? The man hasn’t even been given a funeral yet and they’re already re-playing bastardized versions of his songs on national TV.

With badly-dancing bastards, no less.

Ha. Paula. You’re not a psychic! (Or everyone decided they hated Gokey and didn’t want him in the finals. Yeah…I think that’s what happened, right?)

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say I think you’re on your way to the finals.

Yummm…Jesus Juice! Randy says something about wanting to see all those surprising new things Gokey has to offer every week and I almost choke on my Jesus Juice. But I quickly recover, in fact, I am forced to take a huge gulp when Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi starts yapping.

Michael Sarver
You Are Not Alone

I didn’t mind this guy at first because he just seemed like your average aw-shucks guy from Texas who works on an oil rig. Although I don’t know many of those so I’m probably just going by what I have seen in movies. And since it was obvious he wasn’t going to go much past ninth or tenth place, there really wasn’t much reason to think about him. Sadly, now when I look at him, I just think douchebag. And his mouth is absolutely huge. He must have like 38 teeth or something.

Again, Fox, how is this an appropriate tribute to Michael Jackson? Everyone has SUCKED. I don’t even know if Joe Jackson would sign these asshats to his record label. Shit-For-Brains, SHUT UP. You are driving me to drink.

(And all this Idol-ness is making me slack on my online-monitoring of WSOP Events #51 and #54. But I invite all of you to see what’s up, because in my “real-life”, I am super-proud of this project.)

Holy shit! Cylon Pageant Barbie Kid! I totally forgot about her!

Jasmine Murray
I’ll Be There

Jasmine’s mom totally wears a weave. Just saying. Now this kid doesn’t have a terrible voice, she’s just as boring as the plant I’m staring at right now. I just want her to go on and do better things with her life. Face it, she can get a nice college scholarship, probably entry into a top-notch grad school…she doesn’t need to be a karaoke singer. Like, Malnourished Casper Twat, who we will see later on this evening, she probably just would have ended up a tuneful lot lizard if it weren’t for Idol. Now she still could, of course, but it at least opens up some classier seedy local opportunities for the pale young woman.

A little bit robotic at times.

Duh. She’s Pageant Cylon Barbie.

YAY! YAY! YAY! The two most awesome Idol contestants of the season are up next!!! YAY YAY YAY!!! Either my mood has perked up or I’m just starting to really enjoy my Jesus Juice. Or maybe its the fact that I’m writing an Idol recap…hmmm…really, I just don’t have the energy to take a good long look inward this evening.

Kris Allen
Remember The Time

OMG. I had no idea M.R.S. Allen SPOKE. I totally do not remember her speaking. Oh, Hot By Default. I think you totally had me with do you remember. I think Idolator’s recap got me to start thinking about one thing, though, that he was a bit smiley for a brake-up / broken heart song, but then I saw the video this weekend and well, I guess I always thought this was kind of an upbeat song.  I didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics when it came out because I uh, never liked the song.

But I gotta say something here. How was it not obvious this guy was going to go really far, even after this performance? There as seriously a time when Lil Rounds and Danny Gokey were seen as more marketable and more talented than this dude? Kara actually says the only useful thing of the season when she points out how HBD helped a lot of the other contestants out that week, and then Paula throws in how no one knows Michael [Jackson’s] catalog better than any of the others. Which just reiterates the fact this kid was really the only true musician on the show this season. This guy knows music. He might not have had the power vocals, but he knows music.

Whatevia. I liked Hot By Default and I still do. Just like I adored La Princesa del Mariachi! And she sings next!! And she’s singing the best Michael Jackson song EVER!

Allison Iraheta
Give In To Me

I love the fact La Princesa sang at a Hispanic furniture superstore. Hello? SHE RULES.

Ah…ok…going to sit back with my Jesus Juice and enjoy this awesomeness.

Ok. I had to pause halfway through to write down how sick & talented La Princesa is. Seriously. Did you listen to her? And this song? I am so doing this song the next time I go to that dodgy Asian karaoke place where they let you sneak in booze and small dogs.

I actually hope Fox / Apple decide to try and make more cash off this stupid In Memory Of… rerun by opening up sales to these songs on iTunes again. Because I WANT TO DOWNLOAD THIS SONG. (And if they don’t…if any of you have it, please send it to me. I don’t download Idol songs very often, but I think this one is a must-have.)

YES YES YES!!! They totally kept the it’s not like I’m cutting myself remark in there. I knew then and there La Princesa had stolen a teeny part of my jaded little heart.

Oh Shit-For-Brains shut up. You’re making me go back to the kitchen…

Anoop Desai
Beat It

Awww…I love Anoop’s parents. Love them. I want them to invite me for dinner.

Now I can see some of the complaints about this song, and hell, should anyone even try and attempt Beat It? Seriously. BUT COME ON. How was this better than Gokey’s PYT? And maybe the “tough-guy looks” combined with the turned-up collar was a bit to much at the end but come on! It was better than Gokey. And plus we like Anoop. He is educated.

If this was karaoke, than so was Gokey. And Lil Rounds. End of story.

Jorge Nunez
Never Say Goodbye

Oh, poor Jorge. Such a sweet guy. I hope he is doing well, but we all know “ethnic” males can’t do shit on Idol.

And hell, actually, I think I only heard this song this weekend when combing through Michael Jackson songs on iTunes. Still felt bad this kid was thrown under the bus by getting stuck with this mediocre ballad. And yeah, it’s really not that good…but hey, it’s still not his fault entirely…I hope Jorge does okay. Plus, J. Lo and her Skeletor man-slave liked him, so perhaps they could take his phone calls or something.

Jorge or no Jorge. This was just a piss-poor MJ song from the get-go.

The judges kill Jorge. End game. Now onto Tattooed Mormon Joy and Lambert. (And I’ve got a full glass of Jesus Juice.)

Megan Joy
Rockin’ Robin

Awww, I love Megan. And she’s soooo beautiful. And awesome. And hello? This was when she CAWED!!! Sadly, I really think Megan’s “MILF/GILF” can’t be anymore than 10-12 years older than me. Which is kind of scary. I don’t care what anyone says — I still think you give this girl a little vocal training and she will be out of control. Plus, she kind of represents the types you “expect” to make it to Idol…you know, the ones who have some sort of natural talent but have never had the platform to “shine”. Not people with failed recording contracts in their recent past.

Sorry, I still think this is fun. And Megan Joy is FUN. And she CAWS!!! SHE CAWS!! That was one of the best things I have ever witnessed on Idol.

Oh Shit-For-Brains, shut the hell up. You are making me drink. As is Paula’s outfit, which truly is amazing. Especially with the way she has accessorized it with those delicious not-even-semi-precious gems from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection.

It’s also strange watching this show now that I’ve uh, been there? Jesus. That seems like forever ago. I went to an AI Rehearsal…what the frak has become of my life???

Adam Lambert
Black or White

Ok. Let me state again that I love Lambert’s father. Love his dry sense of humor.

The thing with Lambert / Screech McQueen, we really didn’t see the evolution of an artist or say, improvement. Lambert pretty much set the bar and stayed there. I don’t know if he can do much more than what he’s done, you know? Maybe his team of crackjack producers can take him to soaring new heights, but who knows. Hell, his legions of batshit crazy fans could ruin him because they seem to be moving beyond Claymate proportions at this point. I don’t think I could handle being stuck in a room with any of them. At least the Kradam fans seem a bit more sane, despite all their insistances of siamese gifts for 2 and talk about cuddling.

(Is this almost over yet?)

Matt Giraud
Human Nature

I’m just happy I got to see Quatto The Mole again. I guess his performance was good. All that matter was that Quatto was there.

But once Shit-For-Brains started having her at-table Molegasm, I started reaching for my Jesus Juice.

And I am now wondering why I am forcing myself to sit through this a second time when techically, I really don’t have to, do I? No.

Alexis Grace
Dirty Diana

Oh Jesus. I can’t stand this white trash twat. Yes, yes. I know that’s harsh, but she’s just ridiculous. And a hypocrite, too! Here she is crying about her kid and her fiancee in Iraq when we all know she did a little somethin’-somethin’ with Matt Giraud. Why do I hate Alexis Grace? Because she’s pale and malnourished and oh-so eager to “dirty herself up”? Sure, why not. But mainly because you look at her and just sense the desperation in every move and every glance. This girl would sell a kidney if it meant a record deal. It’s all so, insincere. Like, I have a feeling she sings Reba McEntire’s Fancy to herself in the mirror each and every day because she considers it HER theme.

I remember being pissed she got the pimp spot when I watched the original broadcast, but now it’s just funny. Especially because her ass was booted doing Jolene the following week.

Ok…sorry…I’m back. Live feed of WSOP Event #51 infinitely more exciting than Casper, mmmm-kay???

The only notable thing I can remark about Casper’s performance of this song is that its autobiographable. No wonder she infused it with so much passion. SHE IS DIRTY DIANA, er ALEXIS. But it’s all about a girl who will do whatever she can for singing stardom…like that whole casting room couch stuff you’ve heard about…

Anyway, loved that she got the pimp spot and thought she was all that. And loved that she got booted next week.


You’re a naughty girl…and I liked it.

Ugh. That just goes places I did not want to think about. But I do think Simon was right on about saying it wasn’t nearly as good as she thought it was.


Jesus Christ. Why did I watch this again?

Now someone send me the mp3 of Allison’s Give In To Me. I will sing karaoke songs about you.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. beinghonest permalink
    July 3, 2009 11:29 am

    This might be what michael Jackson will moonwalk to heaven in. Okay now what tacky is that this is the same one james brown had and its not solid gold and it should have been.

  2. beinghonest permalink
    June 30, 2009 11:44 pm

    Topidol I am with you on this one even adams version of black or white sucked no one can do michael jackson’s music except michael jackson and EVRYONE knows that. Idol is an insult to evrything he stood for originality showmanship incredible stage presence charisma and humility in general which no one really showed except adam from a rock standpoint. They should have never done that and anoop pissed me off the most because you are always supposed to treat michaels music with respect regardless of personal vendettas and his song sounded like bad kareoke. I have a hard time not crying I didnt know em but he just seemed like the shyest sweetest man on earth it is a dam shame that he still catching heat and he is dead the tabloids have no souls and this is the reason why he is not with us he couldnt handle the pressure of the media and finally had a dam heart attack ugghhhh I am so pissed

  3. June 30, 2009 7:34 pm

    You already posted it! I just thought you were going to post the news about it or something.
    Oh poor you. I was also watching it and I positively cracked up over seeing the Unfun M.R.S. make that bitch face at Simon ROFL.
    But other than that it was just like UGH. WHY MUST I SEE SARVER AND THE MEDIOCRE ANOOP AND ALL THAT AGAIN? you know?

  4. desiree permalink
    June 30, 2009 6:30 pm

    I realize a couple of things while watching this, and yes, you might knock me for it LOL:

    –I think Lil had potential…*ducks* No, seriously, I liked her from the beginning. I just think if she didn’t keep imitating the artists she was singing and actually sang ON KEY, she might have went somewhere. Watching her only good performance just makes me sad 😦
    –Why, why, WHY did people vote Scott in the top 13, much less was in the top 36? God, if people thought Kris was boring, Scott was a waste of air time. I wanted him gone so bad. Nice, innocent kid, great humour, but GAH!
    –Everytime I look at Danny, I think “nobody likes you”. I didn’t mind him, nor thought he was THAT BAD, but I could care less if he left.
    –Jasmine could have done really well if she wasn’t so DAMN BORING! I didn’t care about her either, but give her a couple of years, trust me, she might surprise us (or not. LOL)
    –Everytime I see Kris, I smile. Look, based on recent message boards, some people still wouldn’t have seen Kris win based on this performance. But your exactly right about him, and if you can like Megan or Scott, Kris shouldn’t have been any different. He had me then, too 🙂
    –Allison is a marketing GOLDMINE. Her not winning is really the producer’s loss, because she could have been their money-making winner. But whatever, she’s the best! LOVE HER!
    –Megan…I get it, she’s quirky, interesting voice, beautiful…but really now, I just don’t see nothing else to her. What she is Feist can do better. Sorry.
    –I like Adam, I really do. (Kradam!) But that second half of that perfomance was a hot mess. He can be great, but the overhype is overrated now. I just don’t find him THAT special. What he is, Mika and Janelle Monae can do better. Who? Just look them up, ok?
    –Matt. Matt. MATT! Why couldn’t you stay consistant? Huh? Why? That boy just kept having an identity crisis. *sigh* I liked him, though 😦
    –Your not the only one who doesn’t like Alexis, but I’m sorry, she should have stayed. At least until Scott and Micheal were gone.

    And that’s it. I’m done. LOL

  5. d. b. cooper permalink
    June 30, 2009 12:12 pm

    So Quatto need only snap his mole fingers or wink his mole eye and any woman he desires is his? I feel some Quatto seduces Nadia Turner fan fic coming on…

  6. Deez permalink
    June 30, 2009 12:10 pm

    Rewatching this, the thing that struck me was how nervous HBD and Allison both seemed. By comparing those two then, and now…HUUUUGE difference. Oh, and PYT was even more of a steaming pile than what I remembered.

    • TopIdol permalink
      June 30, 2009 12:28 pm

      I think it was a terrible idea for Fox to reair the Top 13 episode as a tribute to Jackson, mainly because MJ’s music is now so fresh in everyone’s minds. It makes all the karaoke versions seem about 100x crappier than before.

      Really, the only ones who came off as any good were HBD, La Princesa and Lambert.

      La Princesa was the best of the night! And let’s thank D.B. Cooper for sending me the iTunes of Give In To Me. It’s frakking sick.

      • isaaaaaaa permalink
        July 1, 2009 7:50 am

        HBD, La Princesa and GLambert ARE the awesomest of the bunch, hands down.
        kraaaadisooon! XD

  7. hannah permalink
    June 30, 2009 1:01 am

    I’m just ecstatic that Kris told Allison to do Give In To Me because she was thisclose to doing Beat It. I’m sure she would have pulled it off but seriously, her voice fit GITM so much better which is another example of how good of a musician/artist Kris is for recognizing that the song would fit Allison’s voice more.

  8. d. b. cooper permalink
    June 30, 2009 12:31 am

    Hey, I sent Give In To Me to ya. I love it when people recognize Allison’s awesomeness. The judges were so lukewarm for her. Randy even got her confused with “Casper-Twat” on country results (I feel a little funky calling Alexis that, so I put it in quotes).

    • TopIdol permalink
      June 30, 2009 12:34 am

      You can just call her “Casper” if it makes you feel better. Even I cut it down to that at some point b/c yes, uh…even I can feel a bit too mean at times 🙂

      • d. b. cooper permalink
        June 30, 2009 1:29 am

        I’m just frontin’, I love it. Just wanted to blame somebody else. I don’t even dislike her but every time I see her now I think “Casper-Twat.” That and Matt Giraud. Giraud was probably against the whole thing but Quatto made him do it.

        Quick theory: Quatto isn’t really gone for good, he’s just in Tennessee visiting Casper.

        • TopIdol permalink
          June 30, 2009 2:23 am

          Why? Quatto could have any woman he wanted. He need not slum it in the trailer parks of Tennessee.

  9. June 29, 2009 11:45 pm

    MJ forever. check out this cool memorial gear. all profits go towards charity.

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