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SYTYCD Top 14: A bourgeois fairy tale with alien sex but not enough booze

July 1, 2009

Ok. Cat Deeley. I’m back. (Although I have about 4 episodes of this saved for when ShoestringMag finally gets over here to watch them.)

What the hell is Caitlin wearing? Is there some Merry-Go-Round still in existence somewhere? Wait. I swear I saw one at a mall in New Hampshire in last year. I think…? The mall with the Apple store. Noooo. It wasn’t a Merry-Go-Round I walked past. It was a Glamour Shots.

Same damn thing.

Now on the opposite spectrum of fashion sense, there is Cat Deeley. Who looks insanely exquisite tonight.

Cat Deeley is ALWAYS a Goddess

The Goddess Cat Deeley is also awesome enough to ask guest judge Mia Michaels if her opinion of any of the dancers has changed. Ahem. Brandon.

She says her opinion has changed for the better. Good job, Mia. Good job.

Janette & Brandon (Latin / Cha Cha)
Hush Hush Hush Hush (Pussycat Dolls)

Do you remember when non-dancers wore leg warmers? After Flashdance. And leg warmers were so popular, they made them with kittens and hearts and all sorts of nonsense. And people would wear them with jeans and Nikes.

Janette and Brandon are dancing to some Pussycat Dolls song I have never heard. I guess they have four hush’s because Paula Abdul did Hush Hush (Hurry hurry lover come to me…). That video did not have MC Skat Cat as the love interest. It was Keanu Reeves.

Wow. It’s about 10 minutes into tonight’s SYTYCD and all I can do is take walks down a pop cultural memory lane. Pathetic. Anyway, Jeanette is all in her element because it’s Latin, although I swear her and Brandon screwed up at some point…before the her big twirl? There was that odd stop, or what seemed like one. It reminded me of when they didn’t do the lift in Dirty Dancing. Regardless, they were pretty damn good at that hip shaking.

Cat Deeley is soooo sweet. She hold Brandon’s hand. Nigel thinks it was the BEST DAMN CHA CHA HE HAS EVER SEEN ON THS SHOW. Wow. Ok. Flash to the choreographer…WTF??? Who is the kid sitting behind him and why is he wearing a Daniel Boone hat? In summer…in Los Angeles…

SYTYCD -- Kid in Fur Hat

Anyway, Nigel is overcome with Brandon’s paintbrush feet and amazed how he hasn’t seen either one of them do their individual styles. Wow. It amazes me when Crazy Mary Murphy just starts saying shit which makes sense, but after AF’s recap, I can really see how these comments are rehearsed…in any case, Crazy Mary sends them both to her Hot Tamale Train. First class tickets, actually. Which is great, because I’m all about saving the brunettes on this show. And Brandon!

SYTYCD -- Janette and Brandon (Cha Cha)

Mia Michaels makes Brandon cry with her effusive praise tucked into the whole when-you-see-someone-with-so-much-talent-you’re-harder-on-them speech. I mean, I think even the Goddess Cat Deeley was getting a bit emotional when Mia spoke. It’s all rather sweet, really, even if I didn’t get misty eyed. Mia also talks about dragging him places. Which sounds painful.

Ugh. Kayla is next. And I get they’re just trying to make her look like a broken-down Gothic doll, but the chick still frightens me with her death-like pallor. They should really have considered such things when pairing her with the mocha-hued Kupono.

SYTYCD -- Karla and Kupono (Contemporary)

(You know what is really sad? I had no idea this year’s All-Star Game would be in St. Louis until I saw this commercial with mad FX and Albert Pujols. My friends and family failed to mention this to me. In any case, this sucks. People sliding off the ARCH? Are you kidding me?)

Bizarre All-Star Game Commercial with people sliding off St. Louis Arch

Kayla and Kupono (Contemporary)
Eyes on Fire (Blue Foundation)

Why are we watching their journey? Kayla was devestated going to the Bottom 3 and losing Max. Devestated. Then they talk about all the times they were on the Hot Tamale Train. And I start thinking about the fact I’m watching a show where each week, dancers strive to get on something called a Hot Tamale Train.

This week, they will most likely be on the Hot Tamale Train again, as Sonya is choreographing them. I love Sonya! Sonya always does the fun and edgy stuff. Plus, this routine is about vampires, and vampires are all the rage these days because of that Twilight shit. However, if I was a choreographer and I had to choreograph something with Kayla, I might go with a vampire theme, too, because Hot Pink Ashen Mess makes it totally believeable. I know she spends all day sleeping in a Hot Pink Coffin and sleep-texting on her Hot Pink Sidekick.

Hot Pink Ashen Mess has killer leg extension, so if you give her anything with mad leg extension, she’s kind of good. I’m sure that’s oh, a pretty huge deal for a dancer, but she still annoys me. And there’s gotta be other crap people look for in dancers. Like you can’t look like Powder.

(Yes! New Kayla nickname!)

Nigel evokes that Twilight shit, so I kind of want to stop listening to him. If you say Twilight, I stop listening. But he does go on about how they’re just so perfect together, because Powder just HAS to go far.

SYTYCD Kayla looks like Powder

Crazy Mary says they’re still on the Hot Tamale Train. Mia thinks its Sonya’s best SYTYCD piece ever and their costuming…their makeup…Powder’s lines…

Ok. Totally went and made myself a drink. Just because I want to go for a ride with the Captain on the Hot Burrito Train.

Randi and Evan (Broadway)
Sweet Charity

I never get very excited about the Broadway dances. Nothing against Broadway really, just all step-ball-change and jazz hands. Randi & Evan had a rough time learning Jody Dowling’s routine.

Randi makes funny faces. But this dance is kind of funny. And there are funny little faux-punching hand movements. Not my favorite of dances, I gotta admit. Even though I don’t dislike Randi and I dig Evan and his bald-brother-almost-contestant. This reminds me of a swinging 1960s movie, and I do love the retro, but I dunno, it just kind of didn’t do much for me. And the wrist stuff was a bit stroke victim-like.

SYTYCD -- Randi and Evan (Broadway)

I just realized why I’m so bummed out with tonight’s episode. I have concrete evidence about how much Crazy Mary drank and how many times her drink was refilled. That’s my favorite part of the show! However, I don’t think this is typical of most week’s as she is way to coherant and rehearsed. She’s almost sedate. Even though the Goddess Cat Deeley looks absolutely stunning in that gorgeous dress, I know how much Crazy Mary drank. All I can hope for now is that Ade’s Pick makes an appearance. Ade’s Pick is my new true love now that Quatto The Mole has gone into hiding.

I miss you, Quatto The Mole

Jason and Caitlin (Jazz)
Creator (Santigold)

I still think that Bollywood routine was not-so-good. Contempo Casuals Caitlin makes my eyes hurt even with her interview attire.

Ok. This piece is about an alien who comes down to earth with the intention of getting laid. I guess its like that movie Species? But wait…she needs to impregnate the dude. Choreographer Brian Friedman thinks Caitlin can’t do his moves for shit b/c she can’t handle detail. She totally is weak on the detail, which is why she sucked ass during the Bollywood routine. And I guess she’s magical b/c she impregnates him with hand motions. Her gymastic ability helps her out a bit, but its so obvious how much stronger of a dancer Jason is over her.

But let’s pause for a second and admire her costume. Because its completely whacked.

SYTYCD -- Jason and Caitlin (Alien Sex)

Nigel thinks it was crazy and weird, but I think he liked it. He thinks they committed themselves. But they all hate the whacked tin foil costume. Crazy Mary has not had enough to drink because she’s totally coherant and says it didn’t sit right. You know Crazy Mary wears Old Tyme Photo saloon madam attire when she’s at home chugging out of the bottle and takes Old Tyme photos of herself doing so in shitfaced sepia glory so she really can’t talk. Even though that costume was completely whacked.

The Goddess Cat Deeley makes me want to buy that outfit. Or something which looks similar.

Jeanine and Phillip (Hip Hop)
Love Lockdown (Kayne West)

I love these two. Go brunettes! Yay! Brunettes! And Phillip ripped his pants last week and totally didn’t care. And now they’re doing hip hop with Napoleon and Tabitha, so I’m positive it will be awesome. I love Tabitha & Napoleon. They make me want to dance hip hop by myself in my living room with my cat, Oskar. Wow. Just typing that made me take another swig from my drink. This endless rain is killing me…

I love these two together, especially doing hip hop, because Jeanine totlaly holds her own and it always just works. Let’s compare her to Caitlin, shall we? If you want to see DETAILED moves, watch Jeanine. Each move is defined and certain, which is especially impressive when dancing hip hop with pop-&-locker Philip.

Well if you guys keep dancing like that, you should be chained together for life.

Awww, Nigel. Did you write that?

SYTYCD -- Jeanine and Phillip (Hip Hop)

Anyway, Nigel thinks every style of dance is Jeanine’s style. And Phillip was great. They were both great. Crazy Mary loves it, too. But she’s still too sober for my tastes, even if her voice has upped a few octaves during this critique. And you can totally tell Mia is gonna rip it apart by the way she starts.

Oooh, Are Phillip and Jeanine sleeping with each other? Hey, that’s cool. Everyone needs to get a little sumthin sumthin.

Melissa and Ade (Pas de Deux)
Romeo & Juliet

Noooo…where is Ade’s Pick? This is horrible. WAIT!!! I was about to give up too soon.

SYTYCD -- YAY! Ade's Pick!

I am just soooooo relieved right now. Sooooo relieved. Everything is gonna be ok.

Melissa is the first person to wear pointe shoes on the show.

Ok. Did you see that sick lift? That was incredible. It was almost a visual illusion. And then there was another sick lift when he held her for what seemed like five minutes.

SYTYCD -- Ade and Melissa (Pas de Deux)

I know I’m totally biased because I like Melissa and Ade, and I LOVE Ade’s Pick. No actually, I’m not even being biased this week. That shit was pretty damn good.

And even better? British 1980s Hair says ballet like Peter Gallagher says it in Center Stage. Yeah. Center Stage. I love that movie and I have no problem admitting it. In fact, I’ve wanted to watch it ever since Michael Jackson died just because I think about the big finale dance every time I hear The Way You Make Me Feel (as I do whenever I hear Jamiriqui…yes, Center Stage had a profound effect on me).

Blah blah blah…the judges like it. Mia loves it was a bi-racial Romeo & Juliet. She calls it a bourgeois fairy tale.


SYTYCD -- Katie Holmes (Zombie)This Dizzy Feet stuff sounds like a great cause, but hello? WHY IS KATIE HOLMES INVOLVED WITH IT? Just so she can dance as Judy Garland on this show because she married a Friend of Dorothy. Oh, but photos of Katie Holmes are always so telling. If you look past the blankness in those eyes, you see someone longing for Pacey Witter to swoop down and take her and her thetans on a summer-long boat ride along Cape Cod.

Oskar wants a Dizzy Feet Foundation scholarship. He’s a talented dancer in need.

Oskar needs a Dizzy Feet Foundation Scholarship

Why am I so bored this evening? The dancing has been good, Cat Deeley is a gooddess AND I got to catch a glimpse of Ade’s Pick. Seriously. Crazy Mary needs to drink more next week.

Karla and Vitolio (Quickstep)
Puttin’ On The Ritz (Rufus Wainwright)

Isn’t the quickstep the dance they make people do when they want them to go home?

Ok. Her dress just changed like, mid-move. That was crazy like drunk Mary. Can I be honest here? I know the quickstep is all sorts of difficult but it often bores me. Vitolio has good form. Karla has good lines. Yeah…now I sound like I’m critiquing…But I liked the first dress better, mainly because I don’t believe in mixing pink, red and orange.

SYTYCD -- Vitolio and Karla (Quickstep)

1980s British Hair just said Vitolio held his form well and the lines were really good. I’ve so got this SYTYCD blogging shit down.

I also learned a new word: closehold. I think its one word. Closehold. Must use in sentence tomorrow.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Caca permalink
    December 26, 2009 4:58 pm

    God! Why don’t you get a life? I bet you are some fat guy or woman with nothing else to do but bitch about this show. Kayla is an amazing dancer, of course you hate her because you are jelous. I also bet you don’t know anything about dancing so keep your comments to yourself because it’s stupid to comment on something you don’t even know.
    Kayla is amazing dancer and if you don’t like her personality that has nothing to do with the fact that she can dance.

  2. swapcool permalink
    July 7, 2009 12:06 pm

    I have been looking looking around for this kind of information. Will you post some more in future? I’ll be grateful if you will.

  3. desiree permalink
    July 2, 2009 10:54 pm

    Girl, they killed off another brunette tonight. Blah! I’m sad 😦

  4. SarahBeth permalink
    July 2, 2009 10:01 am

    Oh! And I want Cat Deeley’s dress (only in a different color) and that picture of Oskar is adorable. 🙂

    that is all.

  5. SarahBeth permalink
    July 2, 2009 10:00 am

    I thought Evan and Randi were better then the judges gave them credit for. I also think Evan has a crazy enough fan base to vote for him anyway. Just saying.

    I LOVED Jeanine and Phillip. They really are fabulous together and Jeanine holds her own. Loved Jeanette and Brandon and for some reason, I do like Kayla and Kupono together – and I thought their dance was awesome. Caitlin really isn’t that strong of a dancer and its not doing Jason any favors being paired with him. I like Melissa and Ade too, but I’d love to see the ballerina do hip hop.

  6. d. b. cooper permalink
    July 2, 2009 4:54 am

    “WTF??? Who is the kid sitting behind him and why is he wearing a Daniel Boone hat? In summer…in Los Angeles…”

    It’s a substitute for an actual personality. Like people who come to a party with a live snake around their neck.

    “Nigel evokes that Twilight shit, so I kind of want to stop listening to him. If you say Twilight, I stop listening.”

    He name-checked True Blood right after that, which is about the most awesome show ever and a million times more righteous than that Twilight shit. So he saved it, kind of.

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