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Evil Beady-Eyed Devil Woman, Big Crying Girl and Meat-on-a-Stick: Why did I watch More to Love?

August 5, 2009

Blogging about this show means I’m going to hate myself in the morning. I also just made a batch of brownies so I could lick the batter, which I think was just trying to get me in the mood for this despicable crap fest, much as Captain Morgan helps me get through American Idol (speaking of, WTF, PAULA ABDUL??? I may have to wear a black armband for the next week. Would you happen to have a Reach for the Stars pendant to pin on it, say, from your Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection?)

When I saw ads for More to Love, I was…I was SHOCKED. Seems pretty degrading, no? And I only watched the first episode after about 5 people kept yapping to me about it the next day, and they all talked about there being meat-on-a-stick and girls who cry over never having a date. I never watch crap like The Bachelor, so why would I watch this…?

Because I kept hearing about meat-on-a-stick. And hell, I like meat-on-a-stick, but I wondered about a show where “large” women are looking for love, why they make food and body image such an integral part of the plot? If this were truly a show about size not mattering, don’t feed larger women or show them soaking wet, flopped upon the pool area like the beached whale in Wally Lamb’s She’s Come Undone.

Obviously, my favorite is the “opinionated” gal from Oregon with tattoos. Because she actually looks fun. Many of these women are very attractive and several of them, well, I saw several who were more curvy than fat.

Jesus Christ. The show opens with them all MAKING FOOD. In the KITCHEN. Oh please. And they’re talking about the stuff they eat, or usually make for themselves. Granted, I would probably talk about this sort of thing while making food in a kitchen with a bunch of other people I just met, however, since this is More to Love, food MUST be an integral part.

Now Emme comes in and tells them they all get to go on their date with Luke. They all cheer. The fun one, Bonnie, she is still my favorite. Homegirl actually has style and wears an expression clearly asking what the frak am I doing here???

Then we have Melissa. I think there is a Malissa, too, she was bitching about some girl named Christina…who I think may have been the girl who jumped in the pool on the premiere. Oh I have no clue, all I know is that Melissa is the one who had never been kissed by a guy she went on a date with (i.e., made out with drunk guys at parties occasionally), nor has she ever been on a date. She cries a lot. She also cried during the first episode about this being her ONLY chance to find love.

Melissa is 21. 21. So please, continue to sob about this being your LAST CHANCE AT FINDING LOVE. Oh christ, she is sobbing again in the little interview done over the big “you’re going on a date with Luke” scene, which is mainly amusing me because all of them look so hopeful, Cool Bonnie wonders what the hell she is doing there, and meanwhile, the Lone Cougar forgot to remove the tag from the bottom of her shoe. Hey, at least Lone Cougar shops for bargains, because those wedges were clearly on sale. (Hey…Luke seems to have some money, this is a good thing for him to know, mmm-kay?)

More to Love: Melissa, Cool Bonnie and Arianne(This has nothing to do with anything, but there is some random guy in my neighborhood singing Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me. Is tonight the full moon or is it tommorrow? Is he, too, watching More to Love??)

Back to show. Melissa was crying because they’re degrading the women again by having them pick teams. Basically, this show serves to bring out every insecurity ANYONE has, multiplied by 10,000. Because these are BIG GIRLS. Let’s have them pick teams, just like in grade school. Hell, they wear PROMISE RINGS which they have to give back before judging. No rose, a PROMISE RING. I also believe there is a prom episode coming up and tonight, well, tonight it seems they will be wearing swimsuits to a pool party date.

This is the show People Magazine says “has heart”. Another reason I don’t read People. I only know this because they use it on the ad.

Cool Bonnie hasn’t been picked yet, but she seems totally fine with chilling on the sofa in her Cool Bonnie sunglasses. But then she is picked, and Christina is all teary-eyed and insecure because she was picked last…or not picked…they all think she is a snob. Hell, they were bitching about her in the kitchen.

Emme tells everyone they know how horrible it feels to be picked last, but today, we’re CELEBRATING being the last pick, and Christina will get an ALONE DATE with Luke.

HA HA HA. SUCK IT BITCHES!!! HA HA HA. Your catty nonsense just screwed your asses. Go cry into your box of Ho-Hos. (Yeah, that was mean…but while I probably wouldn’t hang out with Christina, I still haven’t seen the girl cry and since I realized she wasn’t the one flopping around in the pool last week, I’m more okay with her than some of the others. So yeah, bitchy big girls, suck it. Your plan backfired.)

Lauren, well, if I were her, I would be pissed the makeup crew didn’t cover my big honking forehead zit. Unless she is just trying to endear herself to me and grow Quatto the Mole, that shit just doesn’t fly.

More to Love: Does Lauren have Quatto the Mole?

Christina is happy now. Her smile totally says suck it, bitches.

More to Love: Christina is picked last, wins private dateOh yeah. And Lauren is a total bitch. And Danielle is the one who decided to cannonball into the pool the night before. Kristian is smitten. Heather wears a lot of clothing which flaunts her ample bosom. Cool Bonnie is still cool.

I’m really looking forward to this first date. I’ve heard about the struggles they’ve gone through in their datings lives, and I just want to put them at ease. I want them to feel comfortable with me.

Oh, Luke. You are such a humanitarian. And now they’re on a yacht called the Dream Maker. I think I’m going to puke up the Dunkin Hines brownie batter I consumed an hour ago. Oh, wait. I’m not going to puke, but a few of these ladies are losing their cookies (or Ho-Hos) before the boat even leaves the dock. Cool Bonnie, waitress and girl-in-polka-dots are not amused. I don’t think Luke is, either, but he might go hold their hair back or something so it doesn’t end up as just one more struggle in their dating lives.

More to Love: Cool Bonnie not amused when Heather pukes

Well he doesn’t do this, because he doesn’t think The Puker wants him, too. Yawn. He’s telling this to the blond chick (Malissa) he made out with during the last episode. I kind of think she’s gonna win the whole thing, although she’s reeking of pathetic I’m-so-into-youness right now. (Hey, I’m not saying I haven’t done this, however, at least I realize I am while doing it…or at least 5 minutes later, but I’ve never done it on national television so…)

More to Love: Evil Malissa manipulating Luke

Just as I thought, Malissa is a vindictive do-or-die twat. You know those kinds of girls, the ones who are all so sweet and innnocent and sugary around men or you, when they want something…Malissa is a fake bitch. She should not be trusted.

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Puker Girl hacked another round, right into his cabernet?

More to Love: Luke consoles Heather after she ralphed

Puker Girl FREAKS OUT. Well, by freaking out I mean she starts to cry. She thinks she ruined her first date with Luke and only hopes she gets a second chance. (COMMON SENSE FLASH: 20 girls and 1 guy does not a date make. I have no idea why this simple fact is lost on reality dating show contestants time and time again.)

More to Love: Heather needs to calm down

I’m not here to make friends. I’m here for myself, and I got another one out of the way. Watch out ladies, I got my eye on the prize.

It’s official. Malissa is the evil twat of the show. Cool Bonnie was talking to her a bit, and Malissa did some fake laughter. Cool Bonnie shouldn’t even be sitting next to her. You obviously have to hide your beverages from Evil Beady Eyed Blond because she will put something in it to make you throw up all the yummy meat-on-a-sticks. And then Malissa got more screen time, blew smoke up Luke’s ass about how great he is. And then they kissed, and she made a point of telling him the other girls will be jealous, as they should be.

After Malissa (aka Evil Beady-Eyed Blond) stole Luke away with her manipulative she-devil talk, everyone sat down for DINNER. Because this is More to Love, remember, and everyone must EAT. I’ll live with it only because Cool Bonnie finally gets a chance to speak. She has no qualms about eating a good meal. Malissa nibbles at her salad and speaks to the other women as if SHE is hosting the dinner party.

Kristian lets loose. GO KRISTIAN. You tell that dumb twat off, who, it seems, DID NOT GET FAT UNTIL AFTER HIGH SCHOOL. HA! Well, explains why she’s such a bitch, but I must say I am pleased to learn the bitch put all that weight on during college while doing keg stands and going back for seconds in her sorority house dining room. While Kristian can be a bit over-the-top in her adoration of Luke, most of them do this, and I have to give the girl total props for letting loose on Evil Beady-Eyed Blond.

How am I supposed to love somebody if I can’t even see them?

Oh Heather, wipe away the mascara. You know Malissa poisoned your ass. Luke, ever the gentleman, goes down to check on Puker Girl as she rests on the sofa. And then she complains about guys cheating on her, or being mean to her, and how all of her friends have love but she does not…

Heather is 22. 22. And she’s a crier. I always thought you were not supposed to talk about that sort of thing when you first meet a guy. Kristian now thinks Luke is her boyfriend. Malissa acts like her manipulative bitch self, blah blah blah. Commercial break.

OMG. More to Love Tyra Mail, ooops, I mean Notes from Luke, well, they come attached to a giant replica of those damned promise rings all the ladies wear. This show is DEPLORABLE. Sadly, the Note from Luke is all about Christina’s private date. All the other girls are pissed.

I’m kind of jealous Christina got the one-on-one date. It makes me sad because I’ve never been on a date.

Hey, Melissa, SHUT THE FRAK UP. We get it. We know. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE. And would you PLEASE stop crying?

Lauren, ok, I thought you were a bitch, but you may be growing on me because I think QUATTO THE MOLE is growing on YOU.

More to Love: So is Quatto reincarnated on Lauren's forehead?

I don’t know about you, but Luke may be some sort of freak. The way he talks about curvy & voluptuous women just comes off as…I don’t know…the way he talks…is someone else feeling what I’m feeling here? Come on.

Christina does look very nice, though, and I’m glad she got to go on the private jet to Vegas. I’m sure Malissa is back at the house sticking pins into overstuffed voodoo dolls and putting bad things in their food. Meanwhile, Kristian keeps talking about Luke. Lone Cougar also thinks this is ridiculous.

Christina starts telling Luke about how she’s been cheated on. Hey, Christina, and Heather, was it? Lots of people get cheated on. Lots of people get their heart broken. They kiss a little bit in a suite…but of course, they can’t spend the night there and it is time to go home. I’m frightened that I noticed he’s only really used tongue with Evil Beady-Eyed Blond, but that’s probably because he still does not know if he can connect on a deeper level with Christina.

I think these girls need to stop talking about themselves all the time when they’re with this guy, what do you think?

ZOMG! Another Note from Luke. Didn’t believe me about the giant ring, did you?

More to Love: Told you the Notes from Luke come on a giant ring

Guess what? The gals must put on their swimsuits and wait out front for Luke and his limo. Naturally, this brings out insecurities. Especially in…MELISSA. And of course, she starts crying. (Uh, were the show’s shrinks monitoring her ass throughout filming? Just curious…that’s all. This poor girl…was this really a good idea for her to be on the show?)

More to Love: Melissa does not stop crying. Ever.

I’m sure it was intimidating for their first date, for all the girls to be in swimsuits, so I just wanted them to feel really comfortable with me.

Oh, that Luke. He is such a humanitarian. And then he began feeding girls margaritas.

Oh, Melissa stop your crying. Your swimsuit is really cute. And all it took was Luke taking off his t-shirt and doing a cannonball in the pool to ease all your body insecurities for the time being.

It is official. Kristian is batshit crazy. Mandy might be, too. They both left love notes on his door…with little flowers attached.

Lauren is the “aggressor”. Whatever. She knows Luke will not be able to resist the allure of Quatto the Mole, if, indeed, Quatto has been reincarnated on Lauren’s forehead. Melissa gets some more one-on-one time with Luke. He just gives her a peck on the lips. (If you’re keeping score, Krazy Kristian got a kiss on the cheek.)

Has anyone else wondered about Lone Cougar’s career? It says she is a cabaret entertainer. Hmmm…and her name is Arianne. (It’s been taking me a bit to pick up on these gals’ names, but I’m trying.)

Lauren gets to make out WITH TONGUE with Luke. Score one point for Quatto the Mole.

(On another unrealted note, the brownie batter at 11pm…totally PMS…because I also soooooo want to see The Time Traveler’s Wife. Granted, I would watch Eric Bana do about anything, but then I think, oh, Rachel McAdams is in it, and I like her, and this movie has rain and is all about timing and love, just like The Notebook. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatevia. I really enjoyed The Notebook when I watched it on HBO a few years back. Let me be. I just exposed some of my secret sensitive side here, so…let’s just pretend it never happened.)

It’s the pre-elimination cocktail party! Cool Bonnie finally gets to hang with Luke. She opens his eyes or something, about how he can’t judge a book by its cover. Oh, come now. Cool Bonnie is cooler than any other chick in the house and hey, when she says she wants to be a “50s Housewife”, take heed. Because she’s even got the SICK 50s CLOTHES.

Kristian needs to just start humping Luke’s leg right now or else I have no idea what will happen. I’m worried about Kristian. She’s busting out the runaway bride eyes on this guy. And she thinks she’s falling in love with him. She’s known him what, three days?

More to Love: Kristian may be batshit crazy?

YES! For tonight’s pre-elimination cocktail soiree, they’ve even brought back MEAT-ON-A-STICK. Of course, Malissa looks like a twat while enjoying such tasty food, perhaps because she says how excited she is for some of the girls to be going home tonight, or maybe because, uh…she’s just an all-around bitch?

More to Love: Malissa is ruining a perfectly good Meat-on-a-Stick

Heather gets some one-on-one time. She even gets tongue kissing, which probably wasn’t going to happen the other night because she ralphed. Lauren probably crucified herself because she started talking smack about “older girls” Arianne and some 32-year-old. Not good, Lauren.

All the girls must NOOOOOOO return their rings to the ring bowl. I start to wonder why we haven’t seen more of the BEAUTIFUL Israeli girl. She could clearly be a successful model. So um, why is Luke making out with Evil Beady-Eyed Blond when she’s in the competition? (Or Cool Bonnie, or hell, maybe 7-10 others, I don’t know.)

WHO GETS RINGS???

Mandy

(Heather is already worried about being eliminated after they call one name. Or its edited that way.)

Anna

(Who?)

Amanda

(Who?)

Malissa

(Dumb twat.)

Christina

(Good. She DID get to go to Vegas.)

Cool Bonnie

(YES YES YES!!!!! She accepts her ring, and then we see Melissa’s teary-eyed interview. STOP CRYING NOW WOMAN!!!)

Heather

(Like he was gonna boot your ass after you ralphed.)

Lauren

(You only have one more chance because Quatto. Don’t be catty.)

Danielle

(Please jump into the pool again next week.)

Tali

(Oh good. She’s beautiful and we haven’t seen her AT ALL.)

Melissa

(Breakdown averted for at least one more week.)

Kristian

(Breakdown averted for at least one more week…maybe…)

Well, I would have chosen Kristian, too. Who knows what she would have done. Lone Cougar looks kind of beat up, and she cries, but come on, I somehow think she has ZERO problem meeting men.

YES YES YES!!! Next week is the PROM EPISODE. And guess what? Melissa CRIES…even though she tries really hard not to.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. August 7, 2009 2:34 am

    Holy cheese.
    This is… something.
    And dammit, I KNEW Kristian was batshit from the commercials, and that Luke seemed like a creep with an overweight fetish. Overweight porn exists (as I have horrifyingly noticed on numerous trips to the newsstand). Therefore, people have fetishes. And my guess is that this Luke creep is one of them…

  2. August 6, 2009 2:20 am

    What this show needs is L Anne Carrington. On a stick.

  3. beinghonest permalink
    August 5, 2009 6:30 pm

    Why must u blog about this shyt? I have necver watched a full episode the cheese is too much to bare lol but anyway i thought u should read this
    “They had never met before, she met him that night at the party,” the sources reveals. “She was all about him but I don’t think there was much interest on his part. When she gave him her number, he didn’t reciprocate.”
    Since when has this terrible man-whore care about his image?
    And why was she hitting on him ? She could so better…..lol
    there was a photo he was clearly not interested ha wow who’d a thought?
    Oh wait thats right he likes young tail jackasss…

  4. maxhate permalink
    August 5, 2009 6:26 pm

    I’m so pleased. A new low.

  5. Pebbles permalink
    August 5, 2009 3:38 pm

    This recap was hilarious! I NEVER plan on watching this show but I WILL check in to your site every week just to read you recaps. I got hooked on this site for AI and SYTYCD blogs and it just keeps getting better and funnier!

    BTW- I LOVE She’s Come Undone and The Notebook- your made out of chocolate pudding on the inside aren’t you! lol

  6. August 5, 2009 1:18 pm

    omg. i cant believe you wrote all that on this show. i still think the guy is hot. yummy. meat on a stick. double yummy.

    whats up with the old chick on the show?

  7. Darla vanderlip permalink
    August 5, 2009 11:55 am

    I enjoyed reading your post’s on the show….keep it up.
    And I’m sort of impartial about my fav, I’m lucky in that “Cool Bonnie” is my awesome niece.

  8. August 5, 2009 11:51 am

    Bonnie is wearing some of my clothing on the show. Yeah!

  9. Starkvegas permalink
    August 5, 2009 9:25 am

    I tried to watch this last night for the first time, and got through about 15 mins before I got tired of the girls whining about how they got picked last in school and noone loves them and blah blah.

    But now I am going to have to watch it after your fabulous recap!
    Damn you and your hilarity!!!

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