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Adam Lambert merchandise: Oh, how I love CafePress

August 22, 2009

Ah, CafePress, the company who made it possible for EVERYONE to design t-shirts. Hey, you can get some awesome stuff on there, so trust me, I’m not knocking CafePress.

But since CafePress still leads the industry in personalized t-shirts, coffee mugs, mouse pads and the ilk (Although I do believe Zazzle is popular), you can truly find just about ANYTHING in their online catalog.

So I decided to peruse some Adam Lambert finery and bring the goodies over here, where they can be coveted and admired…and mocked, of course.

#1 — Queer is the New Quaint

Adam Lambert t-shirt -- Platonic BFF

I understand the sentiment, however, it’s a bit, uh…oh, and would the GREATEST ROCK GOD OF ALL TIME really approve of a t-shirt resembling a holiday-themed top sold at Cracker Barrel?

#2 — You’re a hater if you’re not a plater

Eat Sleep Glambert License Plate FrameLicense plate frames may be my new tard merchandise obsession, especially after Courtney was behind a Claymate at her local Starbucks yesterday morning. Given as I make my living writing copy, I’m going to judge this one from a professional perspective — Eat Sleep Glambert sucks. And it reminds me of that stupid memoir Eat Pray Love, the film rights of which, I believe, have been optioned by Julia Roberts, effectively making it an even more annoying testament of narcissistic garbage.

Friend of Adam license plate frameThe Friend of Adam license plate frame is ridiculous. An obvious play on Friend of Dorothy, in rainbow lettering of course, this is exactly the sort of thing someone who thinks they know everything about gay culture because they like Adam Lambert. It reminds me of one of my favorite New Rules from Bill Maher:

Cheering for Lance Armstrong doesn’t make you an international cycling aficionado. Unless you can name one other rider in the Tour de France in the past 100 years, you’re not a fan.

Friend of Dorothy has always made me giggle because it reminds me of Friends of Bill W. About four years ago, I went on a cruise with my family and ex-boyfriend. Everyday at sea, I would peruse the activities list for things we needed to do. I played bingo. I learned the basics of salsa from the ship’s fabulous Cuban shopping guru Hector. And I really wanted to crash this Friends of Bill W. party which was always going on in the ship’s library, mainly because I wondered who this Bill guy was and why his parties were getting on the Carnival Victory activities list. So I mentioned this to my Mom and she said:

NOOOOOOO. That’s not a party, those are AA meetings!  Jesus Gut! TopIdol, don’t you dare! Granted, I always wondered who this Bill was and why he had so many friends. On every cruise we’ve been on, Bill was having a party. Thank god your father told me what it was before I tried going.

#3 — Delusions in Screenprint

Adam Lambert Future Wife tote bag

If I ever saw one of these in real life, I would literally piss myself. I’ve never peed from laughing so hard, but this may be what does it.

#4 — I haven’t felt this way since 1981

Adam Lambert Ring of Fire buttonThis reminds me of the cover of one of those compilation CDs advertised in the early to mid-1980s. Mainly the one called Secret Love, which included the song Precious & Few and was marketed by a young couple with feathered hair enjoying each other’s company next to a fireplace. The song titles scrolled through over varying scenes of romantic woodland imagery, including a hazy orange sunset over a lake. My oldest sister, who turns 49 next month, this was her golden era. With the exception of a dalliance into pastels and short hair tinted every morning with Pizazz mousse during the height of Miami Vice’s popularity, and a subsequent Patrick Swayze obsession following Dirty Dancing, my sister has remained firmly entrenched in a bygone world of soft rock and wood paneling.

Anyway, that’s pretty much what the Adam Lambert Ring of Fire button reminds me of.

#5 — Entitlement isn’t sexy. Well, it’s probably sexier than this THONG.

Adam Lambert Fag Hag thong underwearChances are, if you own this thong, you have never been laid. Or it’s been a really, really, really long time. You’ve probably actually never been a real fag hag. You probably, hell, I don’t even know. I really want to see sales figures for this item. Only available in S-M-L, perhaps these were made for tossing or signing?

Actually, what I am doing? I don’t even think I have to add commentary about this item. It speaks for itself.

15 Comments leave one →
  1. sciophobik permalink
    September 15, 2009 3:16 pm

    LOL, I designed the first tshirt, and yeah, it’s meant to be tongue-in-cheek, bb. Designed specifically to be over-the-top because um hello either sentiment is already ridiculous.

    Cheers though, flove your blog, it’s an excellent read.

  2. cacatua permalink
    August 23, 2009 10:06 am


  3. SpinningFasterAndFasterToNowhere permalink
    August 23, 2009 8:20 am

    Uh, that thong will have to come in XXL size to fit many of the fans.

    I love the most delusional of all “Adam Lambert’s Future Wife” bag, lol.

    It should read “Adam Lambert’s Future BEARD”

  4. crash permalink
    August 23, 2009 7:03 am

    The sillouette of Adam on the button looks like he’s enjoying a cigarette after using the match to set that fire. Pyromania is so sexy!

  5. RheaTard permalink
    August 23, 2009 4:43 am

    I’m still waiting for the “Adam Lambert’s Fruit Fly” g-string because, at least, fag hag just means a female who only hangs out with gay people. A Fruit Fly is a female who actually wants to do the nasty with a gay guy.

  6. Starkvegas permalink
    August 22, 2009 9:33 pm

    Its quite obvious those people have never been friends with a gay person, let alone be a fag hag. Now I am going to have nightmares of fat smelly tards in glambert thongs tonight!!

  7. August 22, 2009 8:15 pm

    Friend must be present to sign Bill W.. At Friend, 1910 Santa Clara Ave. Suddenly short hair appeared, and another, and another.

  8. August 22, 2009 8:07 pm

    It doesn’t look very hygienic.

    • TopIdol permalink
      August 22, 2009 8:14 pm

      They make your you ass sweaty and smelly.

  9. August 22, 2009 7:45 pm

    There’s been a shitload of Mrs Clay Aiken shirts floating around for years.

    • TopIdol permalink
      August 22, 2009 7:48 pm

      Yeah, but they were able to delude themselves about his sexuality a bit longer than the Glamberts. Granted, they still cling to the whole bi-hope nonsense, too, since you know, he let that woman have his baby.

      Come on, IT, you LOVE the Adam Lambert’s Fag Hag thong, you know you do 🙂

  10. August 22, 2009 5:58 pm

    The undies and the bag are my favorites. I wonder if the people that buy them buy both. Maybe they think if he sees them in the undies(shudder) then the saying on the bag will become a reality.

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