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Meals on Wheels and Everywhere Else: More To Love Episode #4

August 26, 2009

Last Week on More To Love…

So I’m trying to watch last week’s episode so I can properly catch up before this evening’s More To Love Shit Show, fighting the urge to recap it as I type this…why oh why did they humiliate these women by having each other judge whether or not they would be a Good Wife / Bad Wife. In fact they held up the decision on posterboard contained in one of ’em large “promise rings”.

Oh hell. I’m recapping it. Screw it…but I promise I’ll be brief.

Kristian cried. Melissa cried…the gorgeous Israeli girl finally got some airtime.

Yikes. I’m still bitter about the loss 2 weeks ago of COOL BONNIE, however Cool Bonnie is too cool for this shit fest…way too cool for the likes of Luke Conley or hanging out with the majority of these women. He could not handle a woman like Cool Bonnie, which I think we all knew from the get-go. Of course, I don’t think Cool Bonnie shed any tears over Creepy Chubby Chaser Conley.

Yes, I think we can all agree Luke may be a Creepy Chubby Chaser. There is just something a bit off, a bit insincere and a bit wrong about the way he always tells the girls how beautiful, sexy and/or confident they are, or how he wants to put them at ease. Melissa finally got her one-on-one date and while Melissa cries all the damn time, I will say she is pretty. She’s young. She’s got a fighting chance at finding a good guy, regardless of how far she goes on this shit show. Then Heather got a one-on-one date in which she had to pick out a PRINCESS DRESS. To borrow one of my mother’s quotes, I wouldn’t wear that to a dog fight. Why are these poor women being forced to wear plus-sized pageant attire? And why is Creepy Chubby Chaser pressuring a 22-YEAR-OLD girl into telling him she will consider being a stay-at-home mom??

I was staring at six full-figured beauties with curves in all the right places.

Yup. Actual quote. Creepy Chubby Chaser knows how to slay the ladies with his satin tongue, doesn’t he? I’m definitely not saying it’s wrong to utter such sentiment, but dude, I you’re so damn forced. Are people really supposed to believe this garbage? I swear I heard this line during one of Tom Hanks’ early gigs hosting SNL during the late-80s. Hanks and Jon Lovitz would play these too losers who can’t get laid to save their lives. I swear Creepy Chubby Chaser Conley borrowed a few lines from their playbook.

The girls who didn’t get a private date got to go to a spa with Creepy Chubby Chaser, where he put them all at ease by EATING LUNCH (meals are a critical time for filming, as since this is a show about plus-sized passion, the viewing audience must see EVERY BITE), making out with Blonde Bitch in a hottub, making out with Mandy after massages, jumping into a tub with a few of them, mainly because he thinks it is charming and endearing (not to mention ease-putting) whenever he splashes into a body of water with big girls.

Lauren has a large white trash tattoo on one of her breasts. KLASSY. She also looks older than me, although I got six years on her. EVEN KLASSIER. Yeah, perhaps I’m being harsh, but the dude just gets off on this stuff in some weird, Creepy Chubby Chaser kind of way. Plus, this episode is not nearly as exciting as the previous PROM episode featuring the Date From Hell with Danielle. Yawn. I’m trying to focus on the West Elm furniture while Luke avers he’s falling in love with more than one woman in the house. They show a girl named Anna who I swear I’ve never seen before, so I assume she was probably one of the saner ones. I imagine Cool Bonnie may have chilled with Anna and the stunning Tali, just because they they haven’t gotten a lot of airtime probably because they have their wits about them.

Lauren and Crying Melissa go home, which makes me kind of sad, but not really. They’ll be okay. And we know he kept Kristian over Melissa because he knows she may cut someone if she doesn’t get a ring. Oh, Melissa, you’ll be okay.

But let’s enjoy some beautiful scenes from the PROM episode, shall we? Yes, yes. You know you love it. Remember Danielle? She kind of looked like that Kimberly Locke chick who I think was on the second season of American Idol, but I only know her from that VH1 show.

More to Love -- Danielle on her one-on-one-date #1

More to Love -- Danielle on her one-on-one-date #3

Cool Bonnie, you were always too cool for this shit show.

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