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Sick Tickets & Sunscreen: Is there “More To Love” when only the “Sexy Six” remain?

August 26, 2009

So um, yeah…how is Mandy plus sized? And Tali…And Anna, the plus-sized model from San Francisco? Just throwing that out there…

As per usual, More To Love begins at breakfast, because it is imperative we watch these women eat as many meals as possible. Then Mandy and Kristian got to go learn salsa dancing, but of course, they had lunch first…along with white sangria and mojitos. And as per usual, a skinny female (dance instructor) was brought out, which has been happening a lot lately when Creepy Chubby Chaser takes these gals out. Oh, those wily producers!

Mandy gets all pissed during Kristian’s one-on-one time because they went back out to the dance floor and then kissed. SCANDAL! In Mandy’s defense, Creepy Chubby Chaser is a sick ticket. They only moved like, two booths down from Mandy in the restaurant/salsa club AND they were the only damn people in the place (not counting the entire film crew, of course). That ain’t one-on-one time. That’s just ignorant. Kristian, of course, was loving it as much as she loves writing Mrs. Kristian Conley in her diary every night before bed.

The remaining girls — Blonde Bitchface, Tali, Anna and Heather — they made Creepy Chubby Chaser some homemade card and colorful cupcakes. And then everyone got sad and neurotic because Blonde Bitchface got a ONE-ON-ONE date. I hate Blonde Bitchface, but her and Creepy Chubby Chaser probably deserve each other. They got to take a helicopter to a vineyard, where they tasted wine and ate food, obviously. And then they said stupid shit to one another because they were, duh, being filmed. Granted, I kind of see both of them as being exactly what we see on camera, mainly because they each have the depth and sincerity of a sewer rat.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the remaining girls squeal because one of those stupid, big-ass chonging rings arrives with a note. The squeals, however, are quickly replaced by anguish as it seems Heather, Tali and Anna will be forced into a THREE-ON-ONE date. Not only that, it will require all of them to wear swimsuits. THE HORROR!!! THE HORROR!!!

Heather and Tali -- "More To Love"

I think Tali is just passing the time by this point. She’s over this shit fest, which I felt was pretty evident during last week’s “ring ceremony” when she would barely allow Creepy Chubby Chaser to kiss her on the cheek.

We also got to watch Blonde Bitchface say she was falling in love with Creepy Chubby Chaser AND them nuzzling on a picnic blanket. My stomach turned. Plus, we all know Blonde Bitchface has a frozen heart and ice running through her veins, preventing her from ever being able to love anything except her reflection in a mirror. And then they got on a tandem bike and my stomach really turned, especially because CCC had to hold BB’s hand while riding it, which was the lamest thing I’ve seen since oh, before the commercial break. And then…are you ready? CCC fraks up the bike and says:

The fat kid broke the bike.

BB asks him if he’s broken a lot of bikes. It’s the most scripted shit ever, and I have decided BB is basically a hefty Heidi Montag cross-pollenated with Ruth Madoff.

Malissa A. -- Evil Blonde Chick on "More To Love"

The horses and zebras are none too pleased. Those majestic beasts began neighing in ecstasy when those losers took off in their stretch limo. BB basks in her post-date afterglow. Meh, not really. Bitch just wanted to brag to the other girls. Kristian looks like she’s gonna cut someone and talks about how much she loves him. Heather starts crying and talking about how she’s plagued by trust issues. Tali and Anna look miserable. Then its time for a commercial break, during which some Jennifer Aniston movie called Love Happens (Jason Bateman, why are you in this?) is advertised. Oskar, the domestic feline version of Don Draper, is not amused.

Oskar is the Don Draper of domestic felines

And neither am I, as I am now forced to watch the three-on-one beach date in which CCC asks his lovely curvy ladies to rub sunscreen over all his More To Love-ness.

"More To Love" -- Luke Conley has a self-serving sunscreen orgy

Tali finally gets screen time. She says she’s getting jealous. CCC starts talking about how they have a connection, and asks if she cares about him. CCC even thinks it was a testament to how deep she is, as it took her THAT long to open up to him. And then he’s with Anna, and he asks her if she could fall in love with him. CCC may be a sadist. Heather bitches about Blond Bitchface’s date, which kind of irks CCC. He doesn’t like it when things aren’t all cream puffs and cupcakes with his Sexy Six.

Pre-Elimination Cocktail Shit Fest

Mandy opens up about an eating disorder she struggled with as a teenager, but how putting on extra weight was the best thing to happen to her. I kind of like Mandy, as she appears to be healthy in body and mind. She seems to be one of the saner ones in the house. *Ahem*

"More To Love" -- Kristian looks on at Mandy and Luke

Hello crazy. Do you come here often?

His chest is facing her but his legs are not.

I feel a dire need to give Heather a proper makeover. Some new clothes, a new haircut & color…meanwhile, Anna, I realize, bears a striking resemblance to Rachel Weisz.

Kristian tells Creepy Chubby Chaser she loves him. In three languages. He says thank you. In English. Hey, he wanted these girls to open up. Sadist. Tali wishes Kristian would just shut the frak up and runs out to tell CCC she’s developing strong feelings for the man she [Kristian] loves. Underhanded, perhaps, but I gotta give the girl props, even though I have the sneaking suspicion she’s too cool for him, as I do the other chicks she’s sitting with on the sofa.

Mandy and Anna -- "More to Love"

We didn’t see much of BB at the “mixer”, but we already know she will get her little ring back. She’s most likely spent the evening ripping the toys out of innocent children’s hands while they’re hooked up to the chemotherapy machine at a nearby Shriner’s Hospital, sneaking back only when she is guaranteed Creepy Chubby Chaser Tongue Baths.

OMG WILL HE GIVE ME MY RING BACK??

Only FOUR rings! OMG?? WHO WILL CREEPY CHUBBY CHASER PICK? Well, first he goes with Anna, and then Blonde Bitchface…as Kristian gets progressively more and more freaked out.

Kristian does not get her ring back -- "More To Love"

Heather might lose it. And Mandy gets her ring…meaning we’re down to OMG three!! This also means Emme comes out and says Ladies, only one ring remains. Oh, come on people. Like we really think each of those girls weren’t counting rings the entire damn time.

And guess who gets the last ring? Yup. Tali. And once again we are reminded that playing hard to get is probably the way to go. Even if Creepy Chubby Chaser literally CHASED after Kristian because you know, she needed a better explanation. Then he fed her some of the usual bullshit. She didn’t cut anyone, which was good.

The fact is, when it comes down to it, I’m a softie. And she just got dumped and cried real tears, so I feel bad for the poor girl.

But not bad enough to take her to see a movie called Love Happens.

(Oooh! Next week we get to meet the girls’ families! And Blonde Bitchface has a sister who could potentially be a stripper! Will this be a dealbreaker? Tune in next week!)

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Linda permalink
    September 1, 2009 10:09 pm

    Another great recap. Thanks for capturing Luke getting basted with sunscreen. Priceless.

    I always enjoy the way you mix it up – quoting classic literature (Heart of Darkness) AND calling it in advance re: Blonde Bitchface’s skanky sister. Hello? Can we see the future of Luke’s life with BB? The sisters are a dead giveaway. Stay away from that gene pool.

    Can’t wait to see you dissect this week.

  2. August 27, 2009 5:18 pm

    Luke is as much of a tool as any guy on “The Bachelor” only he sports a pair of bitch tits.

    BTW, I really like your blog. Keep up the great “More to Love” recaps. Yes, I can’t believe, like you, I’m watching this shit fest.

  3. SarahBeth permalink
    August 26, 2009 10:06 am

    OMG OSKAR!!!

  4. Lori permalink
    August 26, 2009 9:38 am

    Ok,
    I have been debating since the beginning of the show about Luke being fake (not too mention creepy) and what sealed it for me was when Mandy ran to the bathroom because Luke was rudely getting it on with Kristian. Not only was he blatantly sexing it up with another girl (how uncomfortable) but when he came to the bathroom door he was holding back a grin. He was loving every minute of it. Cruel bast@#d.

  5. August 26, 2009 5:03 am

    Please to be letting me touch Oskar’s furry cute face

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