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The Last Supper: Luke Conley chooses a lady on the “More to Love” Finale

September 16, 2009

Alas. I did watch last week’s episode. For some reason, my Tivo denied me the Top 4 goodies…deleted during my week of desert living.

Anyhoo, let’s watch this shit fest. Let’s watch it while I ponder why Sailor Jerry is more expensive than Captain Morgan. No. For reals. A captain always outranks a sailor.

And could I have place a wager with Vegas oddsmakers on who is gonna win this shit fest? Because I can’t think of two ignorant morons who deserve each other more than UNICEF-for-big-women-Luke and I-ate-too-much-in-my-sorority-house-cafeteria-and-got-a-big-ass-Malissa.

As I’m watching the recaps, I can’t understand why last week’s eliminee, Mandy, gave the bastard a hug upon being dumped.

Jesus fraking christ. Let’s check out a bit of the evening’s opening scenes, shall we? While we do not get the requisite “large women eating breakfast scene”, we do get something equally as appalling…

More to Love has grazing cows

Yo, More To Love camerapeople — I hope you rot in fried Twinkie hell for your gratuitous use of B-Roll.

Creepy Chubby Chaser Luke narrates some nonsense about all these cows living in a low-key, blue collar town. Forgive me. I’m paraphrasing. CCC has been to the most exotic places in the world, yet he lives in a low-key blue collar town with COWS. He also says Malissa has a smoking body.

Malissa is a twat. I don’t care what her body looks like, she’s a twat. Doesn’t matter what you weigh or what you look like — if you’re a twat, you’re a twat.

Let’s waste more time watching CCC debate over the bitch he’s gonna choose as his “wife” versus the girl who is too good for him…all while he plays with his Boston Terrier (maybe not, it’s bigger…I don’t know all my dog breeds). Oh yes, his dog. Why, you ask? Because men with dogs make women go weak in the knees! If a man has a dog, well, you just KNOW that means he can take care of another living being. If a man has a dog, he is screaming, YES, YES YES. I WANT TO SETTLE DOWN AND HAVE CHILDREN.

Luke Conley has a dog which means he wants to settle down

Jesus christ, I almost wish they would go back to showing B-roll of the cows. This man is 26. If I would have gotten married at 26, I would be divorced by now. Tali comes over to meet CCC and he talks about how they “broke the mold” with his father. I’m desperately trying not to gag myself while CCC and Too-Good-For-Luke-Tali stumble upon OMG a PICNIC BLANKET UNDER A TREE.

More to Love -- Luke Conley & Tali enjoy a picnic

I really just want Tali to whip out some Krav Maga on this bastard. And then I want her to beat him with the sandwich. Apparently, CCC’s family may have some questions regarding Tali’s big-city, Israeli nature.

Cry me a chocolate fountain.

My family is all about Christians.

I so want Tali to not only bust out the Krav Maga on his ass, but for her to also bring out the ninja ghosts of Strunk & White to pelt him with The Elements of Style and matzo balls.

Oh crap. This is TWO HOURS LONG. CCC’s family knows how to grill. I would love some of that steak. The grandmother figure of the CCC household was totally kidnapped from a little house on a prairie. She instructs Tali to call her Granny. Seriously. What else would you call a woman who actually wears their hair in a such a bun only seen in productions of Thornton Wilder plays? (I am sooo hoping Granny sees right through Blond Bitchface Malissa, aren’t you?)

Granny Conley (More to Love)

Is it just me, but is CCC the one blowing this whole “she’s Jewish” thing out of proportion? Setting up the stage for the whole “I pick Malissa” thing? Or maybe an OMG HE TAKES THE BEAUTIFUL JEW shocker?

Ma Ingels seems to be okay with the whole “Tali is Jewish and from Israel” thing. I think Ma Ingalls would totally vacation in Israel.

I have no idea why Tali thinks CCC is one of the most genuine people she has ever met, but hell, I didn’t edit this crap. CCC’s dad thanks Jesus for the meat and the corn, which seems a bit strange, so, um…I hope Ma Ingalls was kicking her boy under the table. Ma Ingalls may be totally hip. Ma Ingalls needs to take CCC’s poor dog and run. CCC’s dad decides to bring up religion over dessert. NICE ONE. You know CCC took him aside and said, “I’m going with the blond so please mess this up in as grand a fashion as possible, since we’re on TV and everything.”

The next day, CCC is reunited with his one-and-only, Blonde Bitchface. CCC and BB travel to an ultra-tragic strip mall billiards establishment in a limousine, instantly triggering recollections of the we’re-so-cool popular kids in junior high who get their parents to rent them a limo to go to Noble Romans on the last day of school. Even before I was a bitter gal in my early-30s sharing an apartment with a cat, I never understood the sense of entitlement. Or the need for a limo to go to a pizza place on the last day of school.

BB Malissa is a pool shark. I assume she only learned pool in order to get laid in college after she gained the weight.

FOOD FOOD FOOD! It wouldn’t be More to Love without gratuitous shots of FOOD now, would it?

More to Love Malissa loves pizza and beer

Do you like pepperoni?

Malissa shares with CCC her love of pizza and beer. Oh, Malissa, this makes you SOOOO different from every other girl. You love pepperoni! And pool! Let’s build a life together! WE WILL BE LIKE TWO PEPPERONI PIZZAS COMING TOGETHER TO BECOME ONE.

More gratuitous FOOD shots on More to Love

Ma Ingalls, please see through Blonde Bitchface’s little goody-twoshoes act, please oh please oh please. Please smack her around with one of your killer orthopedic sandels.

Granny Conley has awesome orthopedic sandels

CCC’s asshole father takes a liking to Malissa right away, most likely because she looks Aryan, er, I mean Irish. She has Irish Eyes, you see.

Oh I love that.

Malissa’s response to CCC’s father telling her how they always say grace. THIS GIRL IS TOTALLY ALL ABOUT THE CHRISTIANS!!!

CCC’s brother might be okay, judging on the first time I’ve heard him speak. CCC’s father just LOVES Malissa. LOVES HER. He thinks CCC has an easy decision. CCC’s brother doesn’t necessarily agree. I like CCC’s brother, mainly because I have a good heart and want to say something positive about this shit show. Oh, and because CCC’s brother most likely hates his family and Ma Ingalls has totally dropped the ball by falling for Bitchface’s bullshit act. (Whatever, Ma Ingalls. You’re senile.)

Papa Conley loves Malissa becuse she likes Jesus

Granted, Malissa and Luke DESERVE each other. We all know this fact…cut me some slack, I NEED something to write about for my shit blog, so please, allow me to carry on…

CCC pretends to be all broken up about this difficult decision he needs to make…I think he’s gonna let his mother decide. They’re really close or something. There’s a commercial and I need to go to bed…

Tali and Malissa are forced to live in the same room at the mansion or something. Which makes no sense, because uh, duh, it’s a mansion. They’re hanging out in their pajamas while Malissa acts like a smug bitch when CCC’s mother shows up in a pinstriped Tahari or Albert Nippon pantsuit.

I love your earrings. They’re so beautiful.

Malissa is an ass-kissing twat. I cannot wait until this show is over and I never have to see her again. Wait. Actually I do I hope I see her again. Waiting tables at an Applebee’s in Fresno. Tali, just give up. Walk away. Go to LAX and get on a plane back to NYC. When you say the first thing you noticed about Luke was his looks, Malissa launches into some gigantic bullshit about him being SO COMPASSIONATE, which somehow leads into her talking about how she OMG STUDIED ABROAD IN PARIS. I feel uber-sorry for Tali right now. Wait. No I don’t. She is better off for losing this damn thing. But in all honesty, no one should have to sit there and endure all of this nonsense.

Malissa won't shut up and Tali feels like crap (More to Love)

Tali grew up in Israel. Malissa went to Paris for a few months. Tali was a model. MALISSA MADE SCONES.

I might like CCC’s Mom. It appears she sees through Bitchface’s perfect facade.

Mama Pantsuit -- Luke Conley's Mother -- More to Love

(Yup, ladies. This is what you’re fighting over.)

Luke Conley upon waking up on More to Love

CCC’s mom brings up the religious stuff again. Poor Tali. Wait. She is okay with people of different faiths building lives together! Malissa is not pleased, naturally, she responds in the only way she knows how…BITCHFACE!!!

Malissa shows her bitchface on More to Love

Mama Pantsuit decides she wants a few minutes alone with Tali, mainly because she has already figured out Malissa a manipulative, ridiculously-phony twat. Tali & Mama Pantsuit cement their bond with a heart-to-heart on the balcony. Score one for Tali, wait…

As much as Tali is the better woman, is Luke Conley really a prize? Tali is beautiful, cultured and intelligent. I’m sure there are scores of men better suited to her than the Creepy Chubby Chaser.

Time for Blonde Bitchface to have her one-on-one with Mama Pantsuit. She’s so cutthroat, she brings up her own deceased mother upon sitting down, proceeding to dominate the conversation with a woe-is-me-but-I-rule-and-I-swear-I’m-not-white-trash story. She talks about how she knows she will have a mother there on her wedding day. Mama Pantsuit basically tells her it will NEVER be her but BB keeps on prattling on about how she looked after the chillun’ after her momma died and daddy divorced his second wife and so does not catch this stealthy aside.

Mama Pantsuit rules. When its time for her to talk to sonny boy, she can’t stop RAVING about Tali. I question his intelligence when he starts asking about Malissa, and if she would be a good wife — although it was obvious she prefers Tali. Good thing he figures it out because now we have a CLIFFHANGER at the halfway mark.

Yawn.

Time for Tali & Luke’s final date. Does anyone else want to hear him apologize for the behavior of his maybe-an-anti-semite father? Luke says his mom was proud of his choices, and proud of him choosing her up to this point.

Do you like these kinds of cherries?

NOOOOOOOOOOO. Run, Tali, run!!!

Luke Conley feeds Tali a Maraschino Cherry (More to Love)

Yo, CCC, I don’t think there are any other kinds being served up besides maraschino, so I have no idea what you mean by these kinds of cherries unless you have some cheese, cherry & whoopie pie plate I don’t know about…which is entirely possible, as we are watching More to Love.

As I watch this ridiculous dinner date, I continuously assure myself this is all scripted, as I see no reason Tali would ever be with a lunkhead like Luke Conley. If he thinks Malissa is “in it to win it”, what about Tali? She is clearly more skilled in the art of winning. Duh. Sorry, Malissa, but did you really think you could tangle with a former member of the Israeli Army? Tali also didn’t put out the ease of Malissa. She played hard to get. However, I still don’t buy her being in love with him.

(Whoa. Weren’t they just sharing dessert? YES. Bad editing. They went from having almost-finished dessert plates to just-served entrees and back to almost-finished dessert at the 1:11 mark.)

I wonder how many times Malissa popped out of her dresses during the filming of this crapfest. Malissa and Luke go to some private outdoor dining venue which I swear was the same castle they used on an early episode. They’re not talking as much as before, as the luster has clearly worn off Blonde Bitchface after Mama Pantsuit spoke her peace. And since Tali is gorgeous, he’s not going to waste his opportunity on a girl whose only contribution to society at large may be obnoxious tan lines (I have never understood why women wear strapless dresses with conflicting tan lines. It drives me up the wall. How hard is it to not wear anything strapless when you insist on wearing swimsuits with straps?? Every bikini I own is a bandeau and I only wore tube tops on my vacation. I know how to represent.)

Malissa and her tanlines have dinner with Luke Conley (More to Love)

Tacky Tanlines says some insincere shit about how she would marry him and they would be oh-so-happy. All CCC has to do is toast, “To Luke and Melissa” and as if on cue, Tacky Tanlines is spouting off some nonsense about how he’s the most amazing guy she’s ever met. She says she loves him. He says he loves her. Oh, the things people say to get sex. (Oh come on…he had to have…the way he leers screams I WANT TO HAVE SLEEP WITH YOU and not much else…plus, she would actually be willing.)

THE MORNING OF WHAT MIGHT BE THE BIGGEST DAY IN LUKE CONLEY’S LIFE

He shaves. He makes coffee. He sits around. For some reason, there are only two white shirts in his closest and he appears to be putting one on, yet, when he is in the limo on the way to pick out engagement rings (PRODUCT PLUG FOR BEN BRIDGE), he is wearing a striped, dark-gray button-down and sportscoat. BAD EDITING.

The girls go to be prettied up (separately) by a rocker gay at some random salon as the Creepy Chubby Chaser makes his decision. Emme is forced to show up again, poor thing. Hey, we are in tough economic times and she just wanted a paycheck. You know she hates this crap because this is soooo not what she signed up for. We see the girls finishing the primping process, talking about how nervous they are. Bitchface just comes off as sounding like SHE HAS TO WIN AND THIS IS ALL THAT MATTERS TO HER RIGHT NOW. Then we see CCC pondering scripted shit while posing with the engagement ring in faux-ponderous moments.

Luke Conley ponders his decision on More to Love

Sigh. We’re at the 1:35 mark so I assume this means two more commercial breaks and another 5-7 minutes of filler before the final dumping ensues. I’m just wondering how those cows are doing. I guess they’re sleeping. I assume Papa Conley goes cow tipping in the name of Jesus Christ His Lord and Savior after as 12-pack.

The proposal/dumping area is a tawdry site, beginning with a tiered walkway over the swimming pool, with a candle and flower-lined purple velvet finish line. There is even a small round table draped in hanging threads of translucent plastic. Translucent plastic hangs from other shit, too, as evidenced by the extensive B-roll showcasing the dorm-room decor. I swear they bought that shit from the home section of the Delia’s catalog (I am currently wearing a waffle-knit Delia’s shirt at the moment, okay? But I’m too old for about 89% of Delia’s homegoods, so…)

Malissa arrives in a limo (Huh, I thought they all were home and he had a separate apartment or something. So confused!) and we see her step out mysteriously, feet first (LOVE the tacky foot tatt, Ma-liss, soooo classy), which is just amusing considering the fact we’ve already seen what each woman is wearing.

This is the worst dumping EVER. This is not a dumping, this is a bloodbath. Is this guy a moron? (Um, yeah.) Even though I can’t stand this twat, I REALLY REALLY REALLY wished she would have kneed the bastard in the nuts.

More to Love Malissa is PISSED she lost

Everybody, all together now…AWKWARD!!!!

AWKWARD! Luke Conley walks Malissa out on More to Love

Truth be told, when my friend Michele sent me the link to this show’s Facebook page before I even watched the first episode, I called Tali based on the photos alone. Tali and Cool Bonnie were the most beautiful of all the girls, except it was obvious Cool Bonnie was just too damn cool for Moist Hand Luke. We watched as he systematically eliminated all the biggest girls, keeping arguably the four smallest of the bunch. Is it really any surprise he would end up choosing the most exotic-yet-safe-looking one of the bunch? Humans are shallow, so…

(Hey, Malissa, next time, think before you give it up every time the two of you are alone, mmm-kay.) Malissa retires to the limo, where she wonders why it wasn’t her. She also cries into her boobs. Well, a little…she’s just pissed she lost. Part of me feels bad for her because I am not completely cold and heartless, however, she kind of got what was coming her way since day one of this shit show.

Moist Hand Luke is all torn up. He sobs in the teenaged girl’s bedroom the producers have so kindly set up outside the rented mansion. I want him to play that song Taylor Swift wrote about the Jonas kid who dumped her ass for the dumb-vampire-movie girl. (I think that’s what happened. Let me call my 15-year-old niece to confirm.)

Luke Conley made the hardest decision EVER on More to Love

She is so gonna dump your ass.

I feel her and I could change the world together.

Oh yeah, buddy. I give her three months, four, tops. I can’t shake the sneaking suspicion she’s just too damn good for him, can you? And don’t you ever wonder how these girls can’t tell the outcome as soon as they see the guy’s face? If it were me and I saw what Bitchface saw standing on the crushed purple velvet, I would have turned around and gotten back in the limo.

You are such a beautiful, curvy woman.

CREEPY CHUBBY CHASER, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING CURVY?? Tali looks scared. She’s wondering if she’s actually gonna have to go through with the engagement now. I give the girl credit, mainly because she’s a tough gal and hell, freaking out over winning a fake dating show can totally illicit similar reactions to excitement over getting engaged. I mean, I think. I’ve not been on a reality TV show and only one idiot actually ever thought about asking me to marry him so hey, I can totally accept the fact I may be talking out of my asshole.

Luke spins his new fiancee around. I guess this is supposed to be poetic or something, since you know, he just doesn’t see a woman’s size.

Congratulations to the happy couple. I wish them the best. Maybe Luke isn’t such a Creepy Chubby Chaser and maybe Tali really does love him. Maybe these two kids will make it, if only for the pleasure of enduring countless awkward pre-BBQ prayers and potato blessings with Papa Conley.

The happy couple on More to Love -- Luke Conley and Tali

The one thing I’m hoping for is that this is the one and only season of More to Love. I don’t have time for this nonsense…although I would love to see a reunion episode…

…with tuxedoed, out-of-work actors serving meat-on-a-stick, of course.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Mondae permalink
    September 24, 2009 5:44 am

    WHY.

  2. Linda permalink
    September 17, 2009 4:55 pm

    Okay, I missed the finale, but your recap was probably better than the real thing. Between the cows and Moist Hand Luke, you’ve probably devoted more time, effort. and brain cells into covering “More to Love” than the producers spent on putting this hot mess together. I do wish I could have seen Mama Pantsuit and her putdown of BB.

    Love the pepperoni pizza shot. Thanks for including that. Priceless.

    If the show returns, I’ll bet you a plain cheese pizza (I’m vegetarian) and a six pack of your choice that Emme isn’t aboard. As you said, it was a paycheck in a tough economy. She’s probably firing her agent over this debacle.

    Thanks for wasting time and effort on recording and transcribing this bit of television history — perhaps the most humiliating series ever. It was my guilty pleasure, and misery loves company.

  3. September 17, 2009 6:05 am

    He so just picked her b/c she’s Israeli.
    Trust me, getting Israelis upset is not something you want to do. I have to deal with it on a daily basis now… please God, make me more hostile for the sake of temporarily living in this country that You supposedly gave to us and is now being torn up by terrorists.

  4. September 16, 2009 10:59 pm

    There’s an interesting article about this on here

    http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-ca-more-to-love19-2009jul19,0,3957585.story?page=1

    It was shot in 25 days. Way to find true love! Also shows how much manipulation was going on.

    Tali is gorgeous, let’s hope she runs for her life. And Fatty can hook up with Cunty MAAAAAlissa. Because two assholes deserve each other.

    • TopIdol permalink
      September 16, 2009 11:14 pm

      Too funny. I literally JUST finished reading that article.

  5. September 16, 2009 9:46 pm

    No way I could have made it through a complete season of this. The recaps have been more than enough. Now what?

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