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Mahs Momma done told me I need to SMIZE more — ANTM Cycle 13: Episode 3

September 23, 2009

Tivo has been cruel the past two weeks, inexplicably failing to record both episodes of America’s Next Top Model. In all fairness, it’s probably trying to punish me for watching shit TV like American Idol and More to Eat for selfish reasons like this blog.

America’s Next Top Model was long the only “reality” TV show I ever watched, getting hooked in Season 2 when I watched it at some friends’ apartment. Perhaps it was Nigel Barker who sucked me in. Nigel Barker could do any sort of sucking on me and I would be perfectly okay with it.

Lately the show has rather sucked. In fact, the suckitude increases in direct proportion to Tyra Banks losing her mind. The show has been a huge fail ever since they booted Heather Kuzmich, the art student with Aspberger’s Syndrome who was quite possibly the most modelesque of any contestant in the history of the show. She was also LIKABLE. You ROOTED for Heather. Ever since she was unceremoniously booted while STILL taking home the Cover Girl Viewer’s Choice title of the week, the show has blown. They even tried spicing things up with a tranny contestant but hey, the tranny sucked. Paulina Porizkova was a wonderful edition. Too bad her Eastern-European realism was too much for a woman desperately trying to trademark smile with your eyes.

I thought about blogging ANTM before, but doing it during Idol season? Are you fraking kidding me? However, we still have a few months until that shit show begins, and I won’t touch SYTYCD until the Hollywood rounds, and oh, I WANT MORE READERS. (At least I’m honest!) It will be also be the first time I’m recapping a show I’ve watched every season of, so hey, it could be fun.

Let’s get started.

Oh, Tyra. No matter how hard you try, SMIZE is not gonna happen. In this season’s intro, the girls’ heights are nearly as prominent as their names. The shortest is 5’3″. Whatever. Tyra won’t have my respect until she makes a model out of a REAL midget.

I’m gonna be perfectly honest here, ok? I’m tired of bald black chicks. And I’m tired of chicks named Bianca. Tyra needs to stop with the bald chicks. In the history of Top Model, no contestant with a shaved head has won. And Ty-Ty ain’t ever shaving the heads of the honkey girls.

This Brittany girl looks like Lindsay Lohan. The girls get TYRA MAIL and figure out they’re gonna WALK today (No shit. They ALWAYS walk on the third episode and do makeovers on the fourth. Although I think they did makeovers early this season?) and they all go to the Conga room. Jennifer, the Asian chick, I already like because I always root for Asians on reality “talent” shows.

I almost get excited for the first time because Miss J. Alexander comes sauntering out with what I think is a midget. Nah, just a child. Children can often fool you at a distance, especially when they’ve been shopping Gaultier-For-Girls.

ANTM Miss J. Alexander and Diva Divanna

Sadly, Diva Divanna is not a midget buy a 9-year-old model. I want Diva Divanna to drop kick Suri Cruise. Brittany Lohan has already been featured twice. I think she will be booted. Who knows. She also needs to eat a cheeseburger.

OH MY FRAKING GOD. There is a contestant named SUNDAI.

Bald Black Bianca is ridiculously bland. Lindsay practices her walk in frozen food aisles in the bowels of Kentucky. Her accent is too sickeningly sweet. Erin is fug. Is it just me, or are the girls beginning to look the same from season to season.

The girls go back to their residence, which looks like an Express store circa 1984. Bland Bald Black Bianca is sad Courtney is gone. Some other girl with a huge forehead (SUNDAI!) tells her not to be sad because Courtney talked smack about her. BBBB is all like, what did you say, girl?

ANTM Cycle 13: Bianca is pissed

Because I’m all sensitive and shit, I’m starting to feel bad for BBBB.

TYRA MAIL!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t walk tall, you’ll come up short.

Oh, the wisdom of Tyra Mail. And I am always amused when the girls critique each others’ walks. Mainly because they’re always so catty. Kevan Hall is going to let them wear his clothes. For some reason, I totally want those Swirl & Twirl Dudes and Benny Ninja to show up right now. The girls have to walk with normal, Amazon-sized models. And Ann Shoket shows up. I’ve never cared much for Ann Shoket, mainly because she always seems to have bitch-face simmering just below that fake-ass smile.

I’d be in Seventeen Magazine. Eyeees just can’t think of anything better.

I reckon I might hate Laura.

Sundai goes first. She goes on and on about how tall the other girl is and I just keep thinking her forehead is 6-feet tall. Lulu talks about how she refuses to change her signature walk. Lulu needs to go home ASAP. Every season, there is a girl who looks exactly like Lulu. They come off the assembly line of the factory housed in Tyra’s basement. One season, they let the Lulu-girl win because she was a total ringer and had gone to the Tyra Camp for Girls.

This is the most boring fashion show ever. No one has fallen. Plus, this show just always loses something when its filmed in L.A. They let Laura talk again. I’ve decided Kara, who sometimes looks a bit man-like, is the most modelesque of the lot.

Ann Shoket tells them what is wrong with them. I am okay with Shoket for the moment because she tells Lulu how much she sucks. Hello? Lulu. Your walk TOTALLY sucks. Tiny steps. Tiny steps.

Brittany Lohan won the challenge and the spread in Seventeen magazine. She picks Laura and Kara to join her at the shoot. It is important to note that until there are a maximum of four contestants remaining on ANTM, white girls who win challenges never pick black girls to go with them. I will do a textual analysis of every ANTM Cycle to prove this fact.

The girls pose in these hideous Xcite prom dresses. Xcite’s logo basically tells you everything you need to know about their line, although, Momma, I do reckon the red X should be a whole lot bigger. (Sorry, they let Laura talk again.)

ANTM Cycle 13: Brittany, Kara and Laura for Seventeen Magazine

Back at the model manse, Bianca makes some friends in the hot tub while Tyra’s Assembly Line African-American Girls, Ashley and Lulu, talk about how they hate Bianca. This has all happened before and it will all happen again.

ANTM Cycle 13 Mean Girls Ashley and Lulu

I wish Tyra would extend her Tyra-graciousness to black girls who do not look like carbon copies of one another from season to season. You’re telling me there weren’t other young women of color who weren’t worthy enough to grace your amateur catwalk? I am so missing the days of Tiffany aka Bitch-Spilled-Beer-on-My-Weave and one of my favorite Top Models of them all, TOCCARA!!!

Did you see Tocarra in the July 2008 issue of Vogue Italia? Sadly, we do not do “All-Black” issues of Vogue in this country. Anna Wintour just sticks actresses on the cover these days. The closest thing they have to an actual cover model is when Gisele Bundchen shows up. The closest they came to a “women of color” issue showcased Michelle Obama (Okay, that was kind of awesome.) This is pretty much why I only have a subscription to W.

Toccarra in Vogue Italia -- July 2008Come on, Tyra! America is thirsty for more Toccaras! Not carbon copies of Eva Pigford and the chick with the young Lawrence brother bowl haircut who went to the Tyra Camp for Girls.

Mean girls Ashley and Lulu call Nicole naive for being nicey-nice to Bianca. I hate Lulu and Ashley. I have no idea why they hate Bianca. Probably because she has a shaved head and has skin decidedly a richer shade of chocolate.

During the commercial break, I smile to myself (I did not SMIZE!) knowing I have no clue about Gossip Girl, and this makes me happy.

TYRA MAIL!!!!!

Grungy warehouse! Jungle Gyms! Mr. Jay Emmanuel! Photographer Jonathan Mannion, who’s voice sounds an awful lot like Kevin Smith’s. Mean Girls Lulu and Ashely talk about how much they hate Brittany’s walk. For fuck’s sake. SHE WON THE CHALLENGE. Jay sort of tells them to go to hell because they are sitting around doing nothing. Brittany Lohan is looking less Lohan-like at the shoot and hell, I’m just now rooting for anyone who aren’t Mean Girls Lulu and Ashley. Some boring-ass blond I’ve never seen probably has a pageant background and looks like Tara Reid before years on the bad shit. Yawn. Boot her. Boot her after the Mean Girls.

Lulu has a shitty shoot. I want Mr. Jay to make good on his threat of strangulation.

ANTM Cycle 13 Jay Emmanuel Strangles Lulu

Jennifer and Nicole do well. This makes me happy. Ashley does a good job, too, which makes me sad. Sundai also needs to go because she does not look like a model. In fact, she kind of looks like Paris Bennett. Erin and Rae bore me, but we all know how I have weird issues against dull bleached blond chicks. I enjoy making light of this fact.

Bianca is inspired by Jesus. This came from out of nowhere. Bianca SMIZED to the Heavens. Bianca says she never wants to be the bottom 2 ever again. Sweetheart, if you actually go on to win, technically you WILL be in the Bottom 2 that week, so even Jesus can’t help you with that shit. Mean Girls Ashley & Lulu clearly live in their own delusional little world. I don’t even think they’re edited to appear this twat-like.

Now hurry up with this parade of crazy and bring on the NIGEL BARKER.

OMG. Tyra is wearing a shirt inspired by The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

YAY!!! What we’ve all been waiting for!!! The hideous image of Tyra’s ensemble and tapered, ankle-length Z. Cavariccis is now cleansed from my little mind!!!

ANTM Cycle 13: Nigel Barker SMIZES

Miss J. Alexander is like Karl Lagerfeld at Burning Man. He looks like he just got off work at a haute chocolate factory with Lucy & Ethel — and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

ANTM Cycle 13: Miss J. Alexander in his panel finest

Kentucky Laura keeps making idiotic giggle faces. Erin goes first. She is dull, although guest-judge Jaime Rishar likes her photo. In person, Erin has a whacked-out face, like when you smoosh a Barbie doll’s head.

Tyra thinks Bianca does a very good job modeling with the back of her neck. WILL THIS BE THE NEXT SMIZE?? Brittany Lohan SMIZES but looks too short in her photo. Sundai comes to panel looking like Janet Jackson-as-Willis’-ladyfriend on Diff’rent Strokes. Or Tootie. Yeah! Tootie! On the episode of Facts of Life when Tootie dates the big hot jock and tries teaching him how to read.

Kentucky Laura is told she should have put her foot on the ground to elongate better in her photo, however, um, I distinctly remember her doing this, so…how did that picture turn out? Oh, don’t let the warm, day-glo white smile fool y’all, Tyra runs the show! And she picks the photos! And is there really a reason why she is asking each girl how tall they are when they come in for their moment of judgment? Not only does she know this information, but at this point (and even after only my single episode), their vertical dimensions have already been hammered home for the viewing audience.

Jennifer and Nicole impress the judges. Lulu arrives. Lulu is told to urge the belt. Come on! We’re over 10 cycles into this crap and you idiots still don’t know how to dress. (Although I am sensing they are all FORCED to wear flats, as to call out their “height deficiencies” as if they were circus freaks…and hey, doesn’t the house have a circus motif going on.) HOW DIFFICULT IS IT TO SHOW UP TO PANEL IN A TANK TOP AND SKINNY JEANS!!!!!

ANTM Cycle 13: Lulu is a bitch who dresses bad for panel

Nigel God tells Lulu she looks average while Miss J. smirks. Tyra was babbling something or another but I’m into the subtleties. Nigel God gives bleached blond Rae (who at least knows how to dress) some helpful tips about how lying down does not elongate the body. Ashley also fails to impress because SHE IS NOT SMIZING. But I thought Mr. Jay thought she did good? Alas. If you don’t SMIZE, you are dead to Ty-Ty.

During deliberation, Ty-Ty is sooooo happy the other judges like the shot she chose of Erin, how they see the beauty, blah blah blah. Nigel God totally wants Ty-Ty to stop talking about herself while poor Jaime Risher is wondering what the hell she signed up for since she’s not doing much of anything.

ANTM Cycle 13: Nigel Barker is hot and thinks Tyra Banks is crazy

Miss J. Alexander thinks Sundai looks hungover from Saturday night. Jamie Risher continues to add better commentary than Tyra. Nigel God basically says Lulu sucks ass. Will Tyra listen to Nigel God and boot one of her Fierce Basement Factory Assembly Line Models?

OMG. I just figured it out. Kentucky Laura is the SPITTING image of the girl who plays Holly J. Sinclair on Degrassi: The Next Generation!

ANTM Laura looks JUST LIKE Holly J. Sinclair

This week’s best photo belongs to…

KARA! Well no shit, Sherlock. She’s the one of the few who actually looks like a model. Bianca is not in the bottom 2, so she should be happy. Neither is Laura, who I am about to drown in sweet tea. (And she looks just like Holly J. Sinclair!)

ANTM Cycle 13: Kentucky Laura smizes too much

Nooooooo. Ashley lives to see another week. Well, Tyra wasn’t going to strike TWO down this soon in the game. It’s down to Brittany Lohan and Lulu. Oh please oh please oh please say justice is served. Tyra tells Lulu she needs to inhale when she exhales. Oh, Ty-Ty. Where do you come up with this shit??

Brittany, congratulations. You are still in the running to be America’s Next Top Model.

Ding dong, one bitch is dead. Mean Girl Ashley is sobbing. She lost her partner in crime. Yeah, twat-face. My cat and I will be crying over your loss tonight.

ANTM Cycle 13: Mean Girl Ashley cries when Lulu is eliminated

Lulu thinks ANTM just opened a lot of doors for her. Just how many doors does your condo in the City of Delusion have?

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. venn99 permalink
    October 4, 2009 3:58 pm

    nice gazoombas in that pic yikes

  2. deez permalink
    September 24, 2009 3:09 pm

    Hmmmm…don’t watch this, but my Tivo is screwing with me also. (vast Tivo conspiracy?)It better not mess up the crap I have set for tonight

  3. meme permalink
    September 24, 2009 2:39 pm

    Diva Dive
    U knw Kara gonna take it all
    xcite dress look HOTTTT on Brittany

  4. wino permalink
    September 24, 2009 1:47 pm

    You + ANTM = gold! thankfully there is another person in the US who watches this shyt. I love how delusional Tyra has become…each yr brings on a different level of craziness. Her models are picked to fit the classic Lifetime After School Special Mold: an abused, orphaned, ex stripper with a hump who learns to shed her insecurities and smize her way to the top….or at least to the cover of a Sears Catalogue. Good luck girls and see you soon on the local edition of the Pennysaver!!

  5. gigi permalink
    September 24, 2009 9:57 am

    OOOOOOH, I am so excited to see you blogging about ANTM. I totally agree about the suckiness increasing with Tyra’s craziness. A super hero named super smize?? Really?????????

  6. September 24, 2009 12:57 am

    This is a tv show?

    😯

    Weirdness.

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