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The Worst Beefcake Calendar in the History of Time

September 28, 2009

Greasy Constantine Maroulis, of AI and VD fame, is currently appearing in Broadway’s Rock of Ages.

The men of Rock of Ages made a beefcake calendar for 2010 where they’re all kind of naked. Somehow, I don’t think this shit is going to be out-selling the annual FDNY calendar, do you?

This monstrosity will burn your eyes…yet it is also screaming for a good Photoshop — and a massive cocktail of penicilin and Valtrex.

Constantine Maroulis in the 2010 Rock of Ages calendar

I apologize for making you see that, however, I saw it and wanted other people to feel MY pain.

But I feel bad for doing it. So look at this again and wash it all away.

Jon Hamm is hot as hell

All better, right?

23 Comments leave one →
  1. Zara permalink
    January 8, 2010 10:01 pm

    Why do you all hate yourselves so much that you’ve resigned to live your lives trash talking about a person you don’t like? Five years of this crap…really? No, I haven’t been reading your shitty site for that long. I visited once last week and now I am seeing this. That’s really sad. You are grown-ups now, you should act like it. How can you continue pursuing a life of disgust? You are making yourselves sick. Try happiness for once and not at the expense of another human being. FYI happiness doesn’t come from a picture happiness comes from within.

  2. retaingvomit permalink
    October 7, 2009 4:35 pm

    Lol, Tops u are just too funny for words fyi Mark is a huge con fan. I swear I think hes gay because I have followed his past comments about this douche. 5 yrs ago I wouldve been drooling at this but he looks like a dirty old man and he is hairy ewe!!! Omg teen hormones are stupid; for record da dirty bastard is also very gay lol tries to repell it by nailing teenage girls …he looks like a homeless dirty old man who was unfortunately beaten and stripped of his clothes lol!!!!

  3. girl from mars permalink
    September 29, 2009 9:20 am

    I just keep envisioning a Beefsteak calendar, with pictures of steak for every month. Still more attractive than Constantine, and I’m a vegetarian.

    • TopIdol permalink
      September 29, 2009 11:42 am

      Beefsteak tomatoes every month. Plus…I love meat but I also love tomatoes. And that’s all I keep picturing now.

  4. September 28, 2009 9:41 pm

    WHY??? WHY???

  5. Mark permalink
    September 28, 2009 6:18 pm

    Oh, my God, get a clue! Are you really all that dense?

    The calendar is a spoof on beefsteak calendars, featuring the cast characters from “Rock of Ages”, the hottest musical on Broadway. This is not about the actors, it’s about the ROLES they play in the show. It was created for charity purposes. All proceeds are going to a wonderful cause, Broadway Cares, to support HIV/AIDS funding.

    Now look ashamed.

    • TopIdol permalink
      September 28, 2009 6:34 pm

      It may be a spoof but that doesn’t change the fact Constantine Maroulis is disgusting. The whole show is a spoof—Why wouldn’t the calendar be a joke, too?

    • September 28, 2009 7:13 pm

      I wonder which Confrau ‘Mark’ is. Vicky? Cheryl Douche?

    • on the edge permalink
      September 28, 2009 8:04 pm

      Forgive me for being nit-picky, but it’s not “beefSTEAK,” idiot. It’s beefCAKE. BEEFCAKE! [/Cartman]

      • September 28, 2009 9:44 pm

        LMAO!! Based on that mistake, I’ll double-down on Judyes as the frau masquerading as “Mark.”

        • September 28, 2009 9:49 pm

          Shouldn’t she be singing to a parrot somewhere?

          • TopIdol permalink
            September 28, 2009 9:52 pm

            She’s eating a BLT (with Beefsteak tomatoes) at that diner where all the waitresses just LOVE CONSTANTINE!!!

    • wino permalink
      September 29, 2009 5:22 pm

      mmmmm, a beef steak does sound good right now mark. thanks for ruining my diet! jerk 😉

  6. deez permalink
    September 28, 2009 1:43 pm

    I like to picture Jon in a Cardinals’ uniform.

    Preferably the “Kyle Farnsworth” fit:

  7. Isidra permalink
    September 28, 2009 1:03 pm

    Oh…my eyes.

    (Second one is a nice antidote, though.)

  8. on the edge permalink
    September 28, 2009 10:02 am

    Saw your tweet, and no you didn’t do anything wrong. Now, if you could just edit the above and replace the picture with an avatar saying “insert greasy douchebag’s picture here.” NO not the second picture! Mmmmm no, that one’s fine where it is. Suddenly I’m in the mood for a ham sandwich…

  9. girl from mars permalink
    September 28, 2009 9:17 am

    OK, OK, I’ll save the strip, as long as he puts his clothes back on! A paper bag over the head would be great too!

  10. deez permalink
    September 28, 2009 9:13 am

    Ewwwwww. Well, the plus side is that I no longer have any appetite for the egg mcmuffin that I should not have purchased to begin with.

  11. Sherena permalink
    September 28, 2009 4:04 am


  12. Verbally Dyslexic permalink
    September 28, 2009 2:19 am


    Even John Hamm can’t undo the damage because my kneejerk reaction to that image above him was to stab my eyes with a fork. Multiple times.

  13. September 28, 2009 12:59 am

    PS note the subtle visual lure to the frauen; fake animal print. That will get them waddling in.

  14. September 28, 2009 12:57 am

    I find it very amusing that he’s holding a sign that is so big. And yet he’s hiding something so insignificantly small.

    Gherkin sized, really.

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