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But can Gollum SMIZE?? Tyra shoots the America’s Next Top Model Top 10

October 1, 2009

Apologies for being late with this evening’s ANTM recap, but the Mad German and I enjoyed a delicious roast. (Thank you, Shaw’s specials! If you bought a roast, you also got carrots, onions and potatoes!)

The Mad German and I slaved over a hot stove all evening, but it was worth it. And now, won’t you join me for some shimmying and smizing with Crazy Ty-Ty and company? This week, Tyra will be photographing the girls. These episodes are always notable for their quotability factor.

Makeup artist Sam Fine is going to teach the wannabe models how to do…makeup! Sadly, whenever I see any makeup artist, especially on TV or in a magazine, I ALWAYS feel a bit of sadness in my heart knowing Kevyn Aucoin is still dead. 😦

Tyra loves a smokey eye…Kentucky drawls about how important make up is, one of the interchangeable dull blond chicks doesn’t do mascara…WHOA.

Key brand partnerships and product placement make this a most fascinating juxtaposition. Nigel God! Nigel God’s Goddess Wife, Chrissy Barker (also a Cover Girl model)! Walmart!

ANTM: Nigel Barker and wife Chrissy Barker forced to go to a Walmart

Christ, Nigel God, I’ve NEVER heard anyone make the word Walmart sound sooooooo sexy. I’ll page you for a clean up in aisle 69. Yeah, I went there. Better than everyday low prices.

Interchangeable Blond #1, Erin, reminds me of Jen the Gelfling from one of my favorite childhood films, The Dark Crystal.

Jen the Gelfling from "The Dark Crystal"

Look above. Look below. Please compare.

ANTM Erin looks like the Gelfling from "The Dark Crystal"

Kentucky Laura doesn’t get any clothes. I guess they made it some knock-down drag any face. Giant Forehead Chick accuses Gelfling Erin of playing football. The Gelfling doesn’t care. Nicole and Jennifer are eliminated. Brittany Lohan loses a shoe, but she won’t be Cinderella at tonight’s Walmart Ball, because she and Interchangeable Blond #2, Rae, are eliminated upon arriving at the makeup station.

Clearly, all the girls are idiots because I would have spotted the PHOTO PICKUP the first time and not run around in circles wondering where the hell it was. The Gelfling does something bitchy. Gelfling is not going to be popular tonight, especially because her cutthroat nonsense got her to the finish line first. Nigel God’s Wife thinks Gelfling was a bit bland. Well, hello? She has albino eyebrows. Sundai and her giant forehead win the challenge because she had glowy cheeks…which I think could have totally occurred while running around a Walmart rather than applying Cover Girl.


Ashley ain’t having this shit. She and a few others are comparing their war wounds and Gelfling begins to feel attacked and starts to cry. Bald Black Bianca is all like summer donna, I’m tired of the dramaz.

ANTM: Bianca is aghast at Erin and all the dramaz

And at the shoot…

Boom! Tyra just pops out of the fabric!

Oh, Sundai, don’t you know how it works by now? Ty-Ty ALWAYS makes a grand entrance. She explains beauty shots, which are essential up, close and personal with the face. All the girls must ROCK the contest because short models usually make careers out of beauty shots. AND, as an added bonus, Tyra will choose the best photo and the lucky gal will be declared SAFE at elimination.

Which is kind of how it always works, right? But I think this time its different because the girl with the strongest photo will be chosen AT THE END OF THE PHOTO SHOOT!

Crazy Tyra is wrapping up all the girls in head scarves of sorts because she wraps up her hair (weave) in a scarf before going to bed each night. What’s it all about, kiddies? It’s all about TYRA!!!

We call that Modeling HTT — Modeling Head-to-Tippy-Toes.

OMG. Not only is she trying to make SMIZE happen, now she’s throwing out Modeling HTT like its gonna be the next Web 3.0!

Kentucky Laura is first up, and I’ve got the big ol’ above-ground pool filled to the brim with the sweetest tea this side of Paducah waiting for my opportunity to drown this drawling damsel…or at least dunk her a few times. Tyra astutely notices how Kentucky doesn’t know what the hell to do with her lips. It kind of makes her look…stupid. But at least it gives us a good Crazy Tyra moment!

Tyra thinks the wind made Kentucky Laura come alive, but I didn’t see her make a single different expression while the camera was flashing. Nor do I see Sundai do anything different. Tyra worries Jennifer (lone Asian) was looking too “horny”, but I could totally see where she was going with it. Let’s give her credit for TRYING something on her own.

Brittany Lohan poses through some scarf and they blow wind on her. The scarf blows off.


BBB is up. She’s gonna think of JESUS again!

Sometimes I wonder if she’s the verb and not the noun. Like she can model, but is she a model?

Oh Tyra. Please just stop. If you wonder why BBB looks mean and angry, its because you shaved her head.

Interchangeable Blond #2, Rae, has a daughter. Groan. You’re like, what? 19 and you have a baby? I guess this makes you give a most ethereal and angelic shot. Kara, the most modelesque of the group, disappoints Tyra because she gives nothing during their shoot, and then Tyra starts babbling about D-N-A or something. No clue. Sometimes you just have to let Tyra go on with her bad self and not stop to think about it too much, especially after the 1st grade grammar lesson we received just moments before.

ANTM: Oh, Tyra Banks, you are so whacked

Tyra thinks Gelfling knows how to model, but has zero personality. Bingo. Holy fuck. Tyra just said Nicole had GOLLUM HANDS. And then she started talking like GOLLUM.

If Ashley wins this thing, I will be infuriated, given that Tyra discovered her on her TALK SHOW. Tyra wants her to do great. She changes her scarf. And then they take off another one. And then put one over her head. Uh, ok, Tyra. Are you playing favorites much? None of the other girls got SCARF CHANGES!!! She knew she was failing but she wanted to give her another chance! Bias!

And Brittany Lohan WINS!!! All the other girls are pissed. Not Every Forehead is Like Sundai gives a Tootie look. Meanwhile, Jennifer, Kara and Gelfling look like they could cut a bitch.

ANTM: Jennifer, Kara and Erin are pissed Brittany won the challenge

Brittany Lohan also gets to do a photoshoot for with two male models named Juan and Gene. All the other girls continue to stand there, looking bitter.


China Chow is a midget supermodel and she’s sitting on the panel. While these guest judges are all well and good, I would prefer a permanent fourth one just for some continuity AND the opportunity to USE THESE PEOPLE for more than critiquing photos. I’m sure China Chow could offer a lot of excellent advice for these gals. I like China Chow. Please, Tyra. Let her help speak.

WTF is Ashely wearing? Are you kidding me? DON’T THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT YOU WEAR TO PANEL AT THIS POINT??? Anyway, Tyra tells her they did all those changes because she was falling short. And then she dismissed her with a smile and a pert, thank you Ashley.

Just as I did, Ms. J. Alexander thought this was HILARIOUS.

ANTM: Miss J Alexander laughes at Tyra Banks' fake-ass fuckery

Kentucky shows up in some sort of outfit I think they may wear on that True Blood show. It’s retro. It would be cool if you were going fishing off our dock, otherwise…however, we do learn that Grandma Kentucky makes ALL of Kentucky Laura’s clothes. We even see photos of Gramma at the sewing machine and find out, ya ready? Gramma’s name is…WANDA SUE!!!

ANTM: Kentucky Laura in a Gramma Wanda Mae original!

YES! I love you, Wanda Sue…as does Miss J. Tyra kind of likes it, but feels its inappropriate for judging. Hell, it was better than what Ashley picked up off the floor of Forever 21 in 2007. Gramma Wanda Sue may be a very stylish seamstress. Let’s get her on Project Runway!

China Chow is reminded of a renaissance painting. I kept thinking Girl with a Pearl Earring during the shoot so I guess that’s close enough.

BBB is told her eyes look strained. Rae is called Icelandic. Holy fuck. China Chow mentions GOLLUM and Tyra goes into her SECOND GOLLUM IMPRESSION of the episode.

They all love Sundai’s shot. Which is the lamest thing ever. I’m just happy that Jennifer was championed for not only delivering a decent photo, but also delivering PERSONALITY WHILE ON SET! Go Jennifer! Go Asians!

The judges deliberate. Nigel says Gelfling is aggressive. Nigel God is just gorgeous. I just love looking at him.

Runner up for best photo is…JENNIFER!! YAY!!!

Rae…Nicole…Gelfling (Tyra is faker to her than the others)…Kentucky Laura…Sundai (SHE IS NOT A MODEL!!!)…Kara (WHEW)…

Will Ashley and Bianca please step forward?

Will Tyra boot Ashley, the girl she discovered on her talk show (BIAS…she kept giving her scarves because she didn’t want her to fail) even though she was the most difficult to shoot of all the girls. And of course, big surprise, they send Black Bald Bianca home.

Dear Tyra Banks, stop shaving those heads. Getting your head shaved on ANTM is a death sentence.

Bye Bye Bianca…whoa…when did they get this Goodbye Top Model song?? I know its sad / you can’t do your thang…who wrote this?

Nitey nite, Tyra.


Gollum smizes better than all you bitches.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. December 10, 2009 8:53 pm

    nice putting in words.. LoL

  2. mistercee permalink
    October 2, 2009 10:37 pm

    this one’s got a lot funny dose in it..the thing is, it’s got a lot of mistakes too and a clearer sign of BIAS than Tyra’s modelling show..apart, of course, from the fact that you obviously don’t understand Tyra and her words..tsk tsk..

    by the way, Tyra didn’t shave Bianca’s head..Bianca did..

    • TopIdol permalink
      October 3, 2009 2:09 am

      As I said last week, I missed the first 2 episodes…but…

      All girls with shaved heads are at an automatic disadvantage! No matter how fierce Ty-Ty tells them they are, they’re screwed.

  3. LeighKat permalink
    October 2, 2009 8:29 pm

    Whoa!- The reference to Dark Crystal is what got me. I don’t even watch this Top Model show anymore. Tyra drives me nuts and the girls really aren’t that pretty.
    Back to the Dark Crystal- One of my all time favorite movies. Strange but, true. Ahead of it’s time. My siblings laugh at me regularly and visibly cringed when I forced them to watch it. I own it on DVD.
    I heard they we remaking it- they better not frak it up!

  4. October 2, 2009 1:59 pm

    I’m SO GLAD you are blogging about this. ESP references to GOLLUM.

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