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In Heaven Everything Is Fine You Have Yours and Tyra Will Smize: ANTM “Dance With Me”

October 7, 2009

What goodies does crazy Tyra have in store for us tonight? It seems there’s gonna be a little Benny Ninja and Las Vegas. BENNY NINJA. I kind of like him, even though I still think vogue-ing is lame and Vogue was one of Madonna’s worst songs ever. But I recommend reading up on the origins of vogue — ball culture.

Back to the show. Kara hates Nicole, the red-haired girl who doesn’t talk a lot. She goes so far as to call her slow. The models get some Tyra Mail and end up in a dance studio with Benny Ninja who totally got the Tyra Memo and brings up the smiling with your eyes bullshit. (SMIZING!) And then Lil Mama comes out with roots the length of the eastern seaboard. And then Sundai Forehead and Nicole make asses of themselves before Lil Mama brings out The Jabberwockies to teach them about dancing out emotions. The girls better shape up because they’re gonna perform with The Jaberwockies. Ashley is pissed because she gets stuck with Nicole and Erin. Oh Erin the Gelfling. I don’t like you.

The whole rehearsal period isn’t too annoying, though. They’ve set it to a Dubstep soundtrack. When its time to perform, the girls are nervous! They have to dance in front of an audience. I have no idea where they got the what appears to be an all-male audience, but I am thinking the producers just grabbed a bunch of dudes from the nearest sports bar and told them to come watch dancing models.

Jennifer, Kara and Other Bleached Blond Rae go first. As we saw in rehearsals, they were the team who worked the best together and it shows. They will clearly be a tough act to follow, as there was not a single trainwreck moment and they nailed the three emotions — happy, sad and angry — with as much precision a group of wannabe models on the CW could ever hope to possess.

Sundai Forehead, Brittany Lohan and Laura aren’t that bad, but they weren’t as good as Team 1. Props for doing a double dutch dance for “happy”, although it can never top the double dutch dancing one of my best friend’s husband and his two buddies do at every wedding. They even do the whole running into the rope thing, a miss here or there, perhaps a quick turn or wiping of sweat from the brow. The Gelfling pointed out how she wasn’t very impressed with the jump roping, proving how very, very white she is — it’s double dutch, bitch, now go pencil in some visible eyebrows and don’t come out of the port-a-potty until I tell you.

Team 3 doesn’t do much but act out scenes. Benny Ninja looks horrified. They will not be winning the $17,000 worth of Ronda Farber Green’s jewelry. They tell the girls they were confused by their entire performance. Naturally, Team 1 wins…and rightfully so. CUE BITCH FACES!!!

ANTM "Dance With Me": Erin, Ashley and Nicole make bitchfaces

Ashley, the dance instructor, claims her group was the only group with actual abstract dance movements. Yeah. I think I’m gonna film myself doing some abstract dance moves in my living room. BFFs Kara and Jennifer play with their jewelry and talk about how they don’t like the other girls. I don’t usually condone such actions, but they are my FAVORITES, so please, sweethearts, keep bitching!

Mr. Jay Manuel wakes the girls up at 5am. Via video, though. Mr. Jay is still sleeping in his king-sized at the Bellagio. You see, the girls are instructed to pack for a photo shoot in Las Vegas! They arrive at Treasure Island’s Cirque du Soleil Mystiere. Jay Manuel comes out in some scary-ass clown makeup and gives the girl a speech about drama and whimsy. I may have nightmares about Mr. Jay tonight, because that clown makeup is just scary. It’s downright SCARY.

ANTM "Dance With Me": Scary Clown Jay Manuel

The girls are super excited. And Mr. Jay loves to play the clown.

Ms. Banks is a huge fan of Cirque du Soleil, and that is why you are here.

No way. I never would have thought Tyra would have loved the circus. Homegirl is a one-woman Barnum & Bailey’s — well, at least Barnum. Paula Abdul could be the Bailey’s. Sweet Jesus of Percocet, how much crazy could you fit in that little tiny car in the big tent of insanity? But really. Who the hell doesn’t like Cirque — even though its common knowledge the Cris Angel show sucks…I haven’t heard much else in the way of negative reviews? I’ve never heard anyone say they hated that shit, even people like my friend Jenn Del G. who has an intense fear and loathing of all things clown. Even people with clown phobias love Cirque, however, they probably haven’t seen Jay Manuel as a clown.

Finally! Pole dancing (of sorts) on ANTM! They’re posing with some masked Cirque pole mimes for photographer Mike Rosenthal. Oh, Mike Rosenthal. You are hot. Since Nigel is obviously living in wedded bliss, I might take you as a door prize.

ANTM "Dance With Me": Photographer Mike Rosenthal

The girls could do more with the poles. Uh oh. Jennifer is being told she looks crazy and short. I did see what he was talking about, though. She did not elongate her body very well. The Gelfling and Sundai Forehead are told they are good, but I found their shoot completely boring. Nicole needs a little prodding.

Kentucky Laura just LOVES it. She LOVES looking like a creature. This girl never says a bad thing. NEVER. I imagine she cuts the eyes out of other people’s photographs while singing in heaven everything is fine / you got your good things and I’ve got mine.

ANTM "Dance With Me": Laura in Cirque photo shootBack in LA, the girls receive Tyra Mail. Well, duh. It’s time to send another one of your asses home. Kara is nervous. If she goes home before Sundai Forehead and The Gelfling, I may stop watching this shit show for good.

In heaven everything is fine / Nigel and me make whoopee all the time.

ANTM Dance With Me: Nigel Barker

KIDDING. I just like excuses to flaunt my knowledge of noted fashion photographers, David Lynch and The Newlywed Game.

Miss J. is wearing puffy-puffy sleeves and Josie Maran is the guest judge. Apparently, Josie Maran has been modeling for NINETEEN YEARS. Oh frak me. How old am I? This is the first time I’ve heard Josie Maran talk. She speaks like a teenager. I am convinced she started modeling at the age of 6.

Miss J. points out Brittany Lohan looks like the Bride of Frankenstein. Indeed. It make one think of Helena Bonham Carter, perhaps. Who Are You Again Blond Girl Rae gets props from Tyra for…SMIZING!!! It’s a terrible photo of Jennifer. I’m worried. Tyra, how could you??? And she bitches out Jennifer for bringing the entire photo down.

ANTM "Dance With Me": Brittany, Rae and Jennifer

And onto the next group…am I the only one who thought they made up Ashely to look like Detective LaToya? Did you see her eyebrows? Anyway, Tyra compares Kentucky Laura to Gisele, because she did some sultry body curve and leaned her head back in a seductive manner. Even Miss J. is in love. Nigel thinks Ashley looks weak. And dead. We are also shown some of her worst photos. Interesting. Tyra is out for blood.

Josie Maran is sounding a bit smarter. Tyra says Ashley ruined their shot. Hmmm…I will give Kentucky Laura a win for this one. The other ones are busted.

ANTM "Dance With Me": Laura, Ashley and Kara

Sundai Forehead, once again, dresses a fool for panel. Josie Maran says The Gelfling looks beautiful, therefore, she is dumb again. Nigel thinks the shot of Nicole sticking her head up the one Cirque performer’s crotch, but Tyra blasts every other shot of Nicole. Tyra also claims Sundai Forehead nailed the shoot but they had to work around Nicole. She even goes as far as to show other photos of Sundai Forehead, none of which look amazing or any different from the “work-around” they chose. I suspect Sundai Forehead is another TZone ringer.

ANTM "Dance With Me": Sundai, Nicole and Erin

The judges deliberate. The blonds are boring in person. Duh. I look up Josie Maran. She was born exactly 366 days after me. So she has been modeling since she was 12. Wow. Tyra claims Sundai Forehead had some of the most beautiful film so far in the competition. This is complete shit. Sundai Forehead is not a model. Do you hear me? Not a model.

YAY! They do best GROUP photo. JENNIFER IS SAVED. The other 6 girls will be called individually. Kentucky Laura…Nicole (WHOA)…Sundai Forehead…Erin…and its Kara vs. Ashley. Oh come on now. This is soooo obvious. Kara is saved — and rightfully so (cue Tyra talking about herself with narcissistic glee). Granted, I won’t be happy until The Gelfling and Sundai FOREHEAD are gone. I am so sending this photo to Coast to Coast AM and telling them I spotted one of them aliens they’re always talking about.

ANTM "Dance With Me" Kara is saved

Yeah yeah yeah. I know I’m being mean. I just called the poor kid an alien head. I know its not her fault, plus Ty-Ty was the one who gave her that new-fangled model haircut. Oh Ashley, say your goodbyes. I do not think I’m going to miss you, as should have dressed better for panel. What do I have to tell you people? Plain tank top and jeans. We’re on Cycle 13 of this shit fest and you wannabes still show up there in your finest Contempo Casuals.

Ashley, you’re gonna be just fine. And how do I know this? Because in heaven everything is fine.

In Heaven everything will be fine

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Wino permalink
    October 13, 2009 5:25 pm

    these midget girls have zero chance of becoming working models. but its kinda fun watching them pretend to count in the real modeling world. its like seeing a child play dress up with mommy’s pumps. cute, but irrelevant. PS: jennifer’s face is busted. with or without the lazy eye.

  2. Isidra permalink
    October 9, 2009 8:10 am

    Jay Manuel as a clown is possibly the single most frightening thing I’ve seen in my life.

  3. Vera's Wang permalink
    October 9, 2009 7:36 am

    After watching this week’s episode and seeing Tyra, I’m really starting to think she’s going crazy or she’s doing meth. She’s got crazy eyes. Ooops, I mean smize.

  4. d. b. cooper permalink
    October 9, 2009 1:54 am

    Hey, it’s a David Lynch reference! Or maybe a Pixies reference!?!? Either way, YAY!

  5. on the edge permalink
    October 7, 2009 11:44 pm

    “Homegirl is a one-woman Barnum & Bailey’s — well, at least Barnum. Paula Abdul could be the Bailey’s. Sweet Jesus of Percocet, how much crazy could you fit in that little tiny car in the big tent of insanity?”

    Damn, throw in Mary Murphy and her margaritas and make THEM judge Idol; I’d TOTALLY watch that shit.

  6. October 7, 2009 11:14 pm

    What the hell is that thing in the bowler hat?


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