Go Smize Yourself to Hell: ANTM Cycle 13 “Petite Ninja Warriors”
I don’t care what Tyra tries to tell us. Sundai Forehead is no model. For the first time this season, The Other Bleached Blond shows a wee bit of personality…imitating Kentucky Laura. Tyra is trying to be all clever this season, throwing us off with out-of-sync episodes…or rather, maybe doubling up on the standard cycle standout fare, i.e., THE GO-SEE EPISODE.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN
The girls show up to Wilhelmina Models and some agent dude names Sean Patterson / Bryan Batt wannabe informs them they will be going on GO-SEES! But they’re in L.A. Boring. I like watching them get lost in foreign cities. Petite model Lauren Shiohama gives them words of wisdom which sound more rehearsed than an ANTM Cover Girl commercial.
Sundai Forehead informs us she can’t read a map. While the prospect of these idiots driving around Los Angeles with a map could be funny, its not all too difficult. If you have half a brain. I mean, I did it.
Kara & Brittany arrive at Neil Lane first while Sundai Forehead and Not-Gelfling Blond Girl wait. Neil Lane is pissed because Kara does not have pierced ears. That’s a big no-no in the fashion industry…but come on, it takes 2 minutes to pierce one’s ears. I’m sure Ty-Ty will even volunteer to do it.
Gelfling and Jennifer arrive at Rozae Nichols. Rozae likes the Gelfling. BOOO!!! Rozae thinks Jennifer is pretty but wears too much makeup and says she would not book her. While I do like Jennifer, I must admit she sounded like a complete idiot when she told Rozae she loves drama [photography] and loves to show a lot of emotion in her photos. *FACEPALM NO SMIZE*
Neil Lane doesn’t carry any forehead jewelry or tiaras so he doesn’t like Sundai. He doesn’t really like the Other Blond Girl, either. Neil Lane looks bored. You know he just keeps telling himself its all in the name of brand promotion.
Nicole and Kentucky Laura go to the Wongdoody ad agency. Love it. They show a COPYWRITER. WHOO HOO COPYWRITERS! Wongdoody needs the girls to recite lines introducing a new TV show. They like Nicole a lot, which makes me happy, because I’m feeling sorry for Nicole. They ask Kentucky Laura if she can do other accents.
So Kentucky Laura talks black.
Wongdoody thinks Brittany is cold and that Kara has greasy hair.
We don’t even have parking meters in Kentucky where I’m at.
Oh, Kentucky Laura. You are batting 1000 tonight! Nicole and Kentucky have difficulty with the parking meter on the way to Rozae Nichols. More proof that Rozae doesn’t know jack shit? She calls Kentucky Laura edgy. Ha. She also calls Nicole beautiful.
Trina Turk is casting for a photo shoot. Trina likes Jennifer’s freeness. The Gelfling believes they loved her, of course, because she is the Gelfling and she has less brain cells than skin pigmentation.
The Other Blond Rae (yes, I may start calling by her name) is actually making me laugh. She did a Minnesotan accent. Wongdoody correctly observe Sundai Forehead is unless. People in advertising are just smarter. Thank you very much. Rozae thinks Kara is scruffy and Brittany is rude for putting shoes on the table.
Sundai Forehead and Rae decide to fuck up with like 15 minutes left. They go see Trina Turk. Trina likes Sundai a bit, but whatevia. I still like Trina Turk. Jennifer and the Gelfling are also running late, but they return to Willamina with one minute to spare, which a non-religious Jennifer credits God. Sundai Forehead and Rae are 15 minutes late. Sean/Salvatore Romano-y agent dude tells them to frak off. It’s kind of awesome. Go Sal Wannabe, go!
GO-SEE FEEDBACK TIME
Kentucky Laura — very cute and fresh look, showed little range in commercial casting
Brittany Lohan — gorgeous on camera, kind of robotic
Kara — very strong walk, too scruffy
Gelfling — very good walk, too timid
Nicole — perfectly sculpted face, lacks energy in front of the camera
Today’s winner will receive a role in a national TV commercial, an outfit from every designer and diamond earrings from Neil Lane. Nicole won this shit. GO NICOLE. Show those hater bitches. Now they’re all kissing her ass because they want to borrow clothes. Dumb hater bitches. Of course, Sundai and her Forehead are SUPER pissed about Nicole winning. She also seems to have engorged jowls.
Kara is also pissed off. She’s going to channel this energy into the next shoot. In the confessional, I must admit Kara looks rather greasy. Maybe a bit scruffy? I still think she and Nicole are the most legitimately model-y of the lot, but…come on, I root for the underdog! Stop dissing on Nicole.
Oh wow. This one takes the MEMEMEMEMEME cake!
Float like a butterfly. Pose like me. This competition is getting so fierce…Y’all could use a secret weapon.
Didn’t believe me, did ya?
Secret weapon?? VICTORIA’S SECRET YAY!!!
Yeah, that shit really happened. Wow. You are delusional asshats. Mr. Jay is gonna stick your asses up on a wire and let you play with martial arts weapons. I actually really dig Jay Manuel. I want to kind of hang out with Mr. Jay. He would be uber-fun.
Nicole is the first to go. She choose the sword. She looks fabulous, especially since they tried their hardest to make her look like Ashlee Simpson. I think she does good, even though the harness gave her diaper rash.
…She looked like this magical elf in the air.
Well no shit, Sherlock. She’s a fraking GELFLING. In this shoot, she also sort of looks like that actress who has never done much to impress me, Monica Potter. I also just want them to TRY and pencil in some color on this bitch’s albino eyebrows.
Whatevia. As far as pale blond chicks on this show go, if I have to be behind one, I’m going with Rae. Mainly because I like her name and enjoy her Minnesotan accent. I wish we could hear her say:
Well, the little guy was kinda funny-lookin’.
I couldn’t really say… He wasn’t circumcised.
And then I would say…
So, you were havin’ sex with the little fellow, then.
Kentucky Laura somehow manages to figure out nunchucks. MEOW ALERT. While Kara sits in makeup, Nicole starts telling her how her eyes look burned. Well…the eye makeup is smokey. But then she tells her it looks like her face is burned. It’s pretty much a stupid conversation all around, but it works. Kara fraks up her photo shoot. I guess that’s what she gets for being mean to Nicole. Brittany Lohan gives it the ol’ college try by flopping around on the wire. Mr. Jay loves it, even if she is uncoordinated. It just works on film.
Next up is Sundai and her Forehead. Let’s face facts, kiddies, Sundai is now the competition’s token. And I have now figured out why Tyra was so in awe of her film last week — bitch resembles Ty-Ty, forehead and all. As we all know by now, this show is about one thing and one thing alone — TYRA!
Can I start calling her Sundai Forehead Jowls? Or Sundai in the Park With Forehead? Or Everyday is like Sundai’s Jowls? Because I am sooo ready to school Sundai.
Sundai does not change her facial expression. This bitch is just trying to SMIZE. She’s Tyra’s Sycophantic Midget Friend. YAY! Mr. Jay thinks she sucks donkey balls. This makes me SMIZE. I’m SMIZING on my SOFA!!
IT’S PANEL TIME
This week’s guest judge is another supermodel named Jessica White. Tyra really uses this supermodel term loosely now, doesn’t she? I don’t know who Jessica White is, but she’s been in the SI Swimsuit Issue seven times.
Tyra starts off by talking about how this week, they had go-sees. And had to drive around in a car like SHE did back in the day. Oh Tyra, its all about you, isn’t it?
Jennifer — she gets props
Rae — mixed
Gelfling — Tyra claims her face is relaxed. I don’t see it in the shot Nigel points out.
Nigel, however, is talking up a storm today! YAY! He knows what the people want…MORE NIGEL GOD!!! Keep talking. Less Tyra, More Nigel. He also keeps doing examples of good poses while being all hot and talking in his hot British accent and shit. I love you, Nigel Barker. (How did I ever forget him on my Top 5 list??? It may have to be a Top 6.)
Brittany Lohan — Did anyone else think they dressed her up as one of those chicks who walk around the Excalibur? Because I did. They think she looked sexy, worked the light to her advantage.
Kara — They tell Kara she sucks. Looks confused. Tyra starts talking about how the SMIZE is her safety net. Kara is so gone.
Kentucky Laura — She is wearing more ridiculous clothes. WTF is that shirt? Have her put back on the jacket her grandma fitted.
Sundai Forehead — Dressed like an idiot. Is an idiot. Nigel points out the obvious — she does not do any other facial expressions — always a profile, always one leg up.
Nicole — Wearing a nice Rozae Nichols dress. Nigel mentions she talks in a monotone. Tyra somehow uses this to talk about how Nicole could try and talk like HER. I’m not even kidding. I can’t make this shit up.
When the judges convene, its all the typical bullshit. When they get to the Gelfling, Nigel aptly points out how she has ZERO personality. Tyra uses this to talk about OMG YOU WILL NEVER GUESS — SMIZING. She asks Nigel and Jessica White if they can SMIZE. Nigel can do whatever the fuck he wants. He’s Nigel. And his SMIZE is soooo much better because it clearly says, Tyra, shut up or I will kill you.
Nicole wins the best photo. All the other girls want to CUT HER. Nicole had the BEST WEEK EVAH. Kentucky Laura gets the second best photo. I really have no idea why Brittany Lohan gets called next, as it clearly should be Jennifer, but…the Gelfling gets called right before Jennifer. Bastards. Rae is called. The Bottom 2 are SURPRISE (not) Kara and Sundai.
Of course, justice is not served. But we knew this already. Tyra saves her sycophantic little midget friend, Sundai. Tyra twists the knife even deeper by telling Kara she originally thought she would be in the Top 3. I hate you, Tyra. Go smize yourself to hell, why dontcha?
And the horrible Top Model song plays. Who recorded that shit, anyway? It makes my ears bleed every goddamned week. Kara is devastated. She left Costa Rica for this shit. Poor girl. Screw you, Tyra. Screw you and your sycophantic midget friend, too. Alas. I’ll get over it by the time I go to bed tonight. At least we have a GELFLING MELTDOWN to look forward to next week. SWEET.
(This week’s Sad TV Goodbye award goes to Mad Men’s Sal Romano (Bryan Batt). Sniff sniff. But I really don’t think this will be the last we see of him…or Joan…)