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Adam Lambert: This is your life

October 24, 2009

Adam Lambert always wanted to be famous. And now he is famous. He released a (subpar) single that’s also the theme for an overblown, big-budget blockbuster popcorn flick, and his album is released in less than a month. He’s performing at the American Music Awards (Are the AMAs even legitimate? Aren’t they one step up from the People’s Choice Awards. Hell, the Grammys lost nearly all relevance with Milli Vanilli.) and he’s the cover story for November’s Details magazine.

So Adam Lambert is famous. While many people would love to believe fame is a double-dong dildo, everyone knows its a double-edged sword. And things like this will happen to your likeness in the middle of a Barnes & Noble.

Adam Lambert fan licking Details magazine

People also write Lambert poetry. $20 says a ‘Twas the Night Before Fierceness and The 12 Days of Glambert show up before Sinterklaas.

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT CAME TO ME, INSPIRED BY THE ALIEN FROM PLANET FIERCE..

Standing by the window, staring out into the night,
I watched the moon rise ‘bove the trees and saw a flash of light,
A comet streaked black velvet sky, cut fractured swathe of blue,
And from the tip of slender tail, a strand of star-fire flew.
Shocking was the brilliance, I wondered what it might have been,
So I called the local radio to report what I had seen.

“You’re not the first to call,” they said; a thousand more agreed
That something split the peaceful calm and sowed a wondering seed.
Though nature said we should be scared, it felt we needn’t fear
This object of our wonderment that’d crossed the stratosphere.
And just a short time later, came the news that hearts would pierce.
That comet hurtling through our sky came from the planet Fierce.

“Don’t be afraid,” the newsman said, “we see no threat to earth.
For we have followed comet’s course and know that it will birth
A glittered god, the like of which mankind has long awaited
Prediction said our paths would cross; this meeting has been fated.
For in decree we saw it written that blessing of his voice
Would fill the world with light and love; let human hearts rejoice.”

But twenty-seven years of suns would rise and set again,
Before we’d recognize his face or hear his hallowed name.
We listened for the sound that caused a tremble through the air,
And while good art had come and gone, the union wasn’t there.
Until the winter of ‘09, young man with smile so warm,
Projected light through TV sets and took this world by storm.

In concert houses nation wide, he’s conquered every stage,
His name is now that household word and splashed across the page.
And when those dreams he’s asked about, delight he can’t restrain,
His smile bright, he answers clear, “I want to entertain.”
And from example seen thus far, it should come as no shock,
That alien from Planet Fierce will rule the world of rock.

Chameleon, shape-shifting lord, we know from far off place,
Although he looks like one of us, he no doubt came from space.
For no one owns our soul like he, his spell is undenying,
His eyes are mirrors of his grace; that voice sends sprits flying.
And songs we’ve heard a hundred times are by his power grand,
The notes a cosmic symphony under his command.

If by chance you’ve been up close, then surely you now see,
That everything about him seems so other-worldly;
A brilliant light shines from his core; his laugh is sheer perfection,
Emotions run so pure in him; he’s forged a strong connection
With those in this adopted world who’ve waited far too long
For Adam’s voice to bless their lives with beauty of his song.

Come on, ladies! Step it up. I want to see photos with Adam Lambert dolls. I know they’re out there. Why does Jason Castro get to have all the fun?

Woman and her Jason Castro doll

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63 Comments leave one →
  1. Claire permalink
    October 27, 2009 1:51 pm

    Just found this issue of Details in our company’s magazine giveaway bin. Somehow I doubt our middle-aged married male department head licked his comped copy before discarding it, so I should be safe.

  2. deez permalink
    October 26, 2009 12:47 pm

    I’m having IdleTard withdrawal. With Adam’s album on the horizon,and the sparklecows ready to stampede, there was a potential goldmine of lulz. Damn you, irony!!!!

  3. blacklisted permalink
    October 26, 2009 12:09 am

    Kissing a poster of a popstar is acceptable for an overexcited tween. A grown ass, old heiffer licking the cover of a magazine is bordering on mental illness.

    • Verbally Dyslexic permalink
      October 26, 2009 10:57 am

      I know right? They should just stick to licking their computer screens in the privacy of their own home.

  4. Full Tilt permalink
    October 25, 2009 7:36 pm

    Oh, I think the whole self-respect ship sailed quite some time ago. Someone should have arrested that frau if she did indeed lick that mag cover in the store. What a dimwit!

  5. auntieaimee permalink
    October 25, 2009 1:01 pm

    I don’t have a problem with an older woman crushing on a younger guy, but why would you debase yourself by posting pictures like this on the internet? It’s undignified. Have some self-respect.

  6. wickedlydark permalink
    October 25, 2009 2:00 am

    I have to admit, that Castro doll is pretty cute. It had to take some talent to make that – unless they bought a prefabricated doll and just added the stinky dreads to it.

    • TopIdol permalink
      October 25, 2009 2:03 am

      Girl From Mars is the GREATEST DOLLMAKER OF ALL TIME.

      I think they just adapted another doll for Jestro. Girl From Mars does all her own stuff. She is a true artiste.

      • wickedlydark permalink
        October 25, 2009 4:01 am

        Agreed.

        I think Girl From Mars should start mass producing. I’m still pissed I didn’t win that auction.

      • girl from mars permalink
        October 25, 2009 8:21 am

        Aww, thanks guys! I don’t want to make an Adam Lambert doll because I fear I’d vomit while doing it, and I don’t like vomiting so good.

        • Melody permalink
          October 25, 2009 8:48 am

          You’re nice…make a doll of yourself and see how your tummy feels

          • girl from mars permalink
            October 25, 2009 11:01 am

            Not sure I follow, Melody, but if that was some sort of attempt at an insult I’d try again.

            • TopIdol permalink
              October 25, 2009 11:10 am

              I didn’t understand it, either.

            • lauren722 permalink
              October 25, 2009 2:23 pm

              Oh Melody is perfectly understandable…slightly immature and definitely not in any way clever, but I know what she was trying to say.
              but girl from mars, your comment does make me sad. Creating an Adam doll should not inspire vomit 😦

  7. rehabilitard permalink
    October 25, 2009 1:30 am

    Picture is creepy. It is so wrong for many reasons, age difference one of them. I am feeling second hand embarrassment for this woman.

  8. LeighKat permalink
    October 25, 2009 12:37 am

    I am gonna be the one to do this-

    Hey- nutbag Glambert fans who complain about what TopIdol chooses to blog about, guess what? It’s her friggin blog!! So, do us all a favour and quit posting comments about it.
    Oh, and how many times does TI have to say that it is YOU BATSHIT CRAZY HAGS that are the problem and not ADAM. She actually doesn’t have that much of an issue with the dude.
    We want to read funny comments that point out how utterly insane you all are, we don’t actually care about what you think.

    aaannd, END SCENE. Phew! That felt great! Now do what you do best Glamberts- attack me and call me an Adam hater, it’s funny and it’s part of the reason this site is so freaking awesome! 🙂

    • TopIdol permalink
      October 25, 2009 1:02 am

      LeighKat needs to just admit she is also totally homophobic. Which is completely obvious from the concert review she wrote me a couple of months back where she went on and on about how much she loved Lambert. 🙂

  9. 8sourcandy permalink
    October 24, 2009 10:48 pm

    I can’t believe she is standing in a store licking it. I didn’t lick mine until I got home, cause my mama raised me right.

    • Sherena permalink
      October 24, 2009 11:03 pm

      LOL

      And btw are you and 8sweetcandy the same person? I’ve always wondered. (always being… for like 3 days once I noticed)

      • 8sourcandy permalink
        October 25, 2009 11:25 am

        Yes, my mood determines my flavor.

    • Verbally Dyslexic permalink
      October 24, 2009 11:12 pm

      Did you paste your pic over the naked lady’s face?

      • 8sourcandy permalink
        October 25, 2009 11:30 am

        No, I pasted my entire body in and created a rather hot three way.

        • lauren722 permalink
          October 25, 2009 2:20 pm

          Haha! What a great idea! Whenever I get around to buying a copy I am totally copying you…Maybe I’ll add Kris in as well 😉

    • rehabilitard permalink
      October 25, 2009 1:06 am

      LOL! Here you go. Adam needs some classy fans 🙂

  10. Sherena permalink
    October 24, 2009 10:44 pm

    Awwww, that poem is sweet.

    Also I can’t wait for Adam to get some hotter, younger, preferably male fans to lick his magazines.

  11. October 24, 2009 9:16 pm

    I really hope that lady bought that magazine after licking it. Yuck!

    • Melody permalink
      October 25, 2009 8:45 am

      Come on that was a set up photo.. love it . of course she bought the magazine and probably five more issues.. who wouldn’t?

      • 8sourcandy permalink
        October 25, 2009 11:45 am

        If she is ok with licking his likeness in a store, could you imagine what she’s doing with those photos in the privacy of her own home?

  12. October 24, 2009 8:18 pm

    I’m sorry, did I sleep through all the operatic and Classical music that rules the airwaves, such that an Adam Lambert song is a hideous intrusion of such celestial sounds?

  13. TopIdol permalink
    October 24, 2009 5:48 pm

    Why do I only have two stars?? Alas!

    • michelle permalink
      October 24, 2009 6:57 pm

      HEY TOPIDOL…

      WHY DO YOU WRITE ABOUT ADAM AND “EVERYTHING ABOUT ADAM” SO MUCH WHEN ITS VERY CLEAR YOU DONT LIKE HIM. IS YOUR LIFE SO BAD THAT ALL YOU DO IS SIT AROUND WRITING NEGATIVE STUFF ABOUT SOMEONE THAT YOU DONT EVEN KNOW BECAUSE YOU ARE SUCH A BITTER PERSON??..JUST CURIOUS !!

      • Smartie permalink
        October 24, 2009 8:26 pm

        It’s because she’s a hater and a homophobe, dummy! Don’t you read your tard memos? Sheesh 🙄

      • wickedlydark permalink
        October 25, 2009 1:59 am

        Wow Michelle. You are absolutely right. You’ve made be see the error of our ways.

        All it took for me to finally agree with your rehashing of every tard tirade was to TYPE IT IN ALL CAPS.

        IOW: Fuck off. We have perfectly happy lives. We don’t have to fantasize that a gay guy is going to turn straight and fall in love with us. Cause our reality is so much better.

        Why do you get upset over what other people write about? Is it because you’re desperate and insecure?

    • 8sourcandy permalink
      October 25, 2009 11:43 am

      I never even noticed the star rating thing before.

  14. lambertini permalink
    October 24, 2009 4:55 pm

    i still don’t get this whole older women who fantasize about 2o year old american idols…eek

    • lauren722 permalink
      October 24, 2009 5:01 pm

      Adam is like 29 right…or is it 27? Haha I fail as a fan…but yeah I guess its still kinda creepy

      • 8sourcandy permalink
        October 25, 2009 11:40 am

        I don’t have a problem with an older woman with younger man providing the woman is hot. The Bob haircut and Coldwater Creek top scream grandma and yes, that is creepy.

  15. Smartie permalink
    October 24, 2009 4:41 pm

    😆

    I forsee an epidemic of bovine flu

    • TopIdol permalink
      October 24, 2009 6:14 pm

      This is my new favorite Glambert poem. (Why are they dragging poor St. Louis into this??) It’s a love story about the mic stand. With fun misspellings!

      Long and shiny, Mike stands alone
      The stage is darkened
      the fans are harkened
      His voice starts out with a moan.

      Black gloved fingers, loving caress
      Held tightly He sings
      we love what He brings
      Mike releases sound with success.

      Emitting blue thunder, a strike
      Studs, leather and sweat
      a happy duet
      A love tap from dear Mr. Spike.

      Every note, we stood in delight
      The concerts now done
      the legend begun
      Our threesome’s future does shine bright.

      Months of hard labor, rest is earned
      Now bask in the glow
      we want you to know
      You gave us love, now it’s returned.

      Brothers of our rock god, these two
      Leather and metal
      no score to settle
      Unite for His album’s deput.

      • Lakshmi permalink
        October 24, 2009 7:49 pm

        The capitalization of ‘His’ and ‘He’ in this poem is pretty creepy.

        That said, I can’t wait for Adam’s deput either! It’s going to be the next deput ever.

        • Verbally Dyslexic permalink
          October 24, 2009 11:17 pm

          He’s a rock god! Of course they should be capitalised.

          I need to know what deput means. Is it a ritual from Planet Fierce involving mass licking of his album cover?

      • 8sourcandy permalink
        October 24, 2009 10:58 pm

        Licking photos, pigs with teeth and crazy dolls, I can live with. The poetry, however, is creeping me out.

        • TopIdol permalink
          October 24, 2009 11:34 pm

          The poem is freaky as all fuck, especially with the overt SAVIOR speak.

  16. deez permalink
    October 24, 2009 4:22 pm

    Geeze, if that was MY granny, I’d be SO embarrassed.

  17. SarahBeth permalink
    October 24, 2009 4:17 pm

    Don’t these dimwits know that the crazy shit they do online comes with potential ramifications? You never know who’s googling you – potential employers do it ALL THE TIME.

  18. Hope F. LeSane permalink
    October 24, 2009 4:13 pm

    Barf City…here they come.

  19. yuppie permalink
    October 24, 2009 3:48 pm

    I’m a Kris fan, so, of course I have an Adam doll that I stick pins in to try to sabotage his career!

    • Melody permalink
      October 25, 2009 8:42 am

      Why so negative and nasty.. Adam and kris are good friends.. more DRama

      • lauren722 permalink
        October 25, 2009 2:16 pm

        I believe that was sarcasm….

  20. Jamie permalink
    October 24, 2009 3:36 pm

    I have an Adam doll… I made it.

    • TopIdol permalink
      October 24, 2009 3:44 pm

      Don’t tell me that without providing a photo, woman!

      • 8sourcandy permalink
        October 24, 2009 10:53 pm

        Rosie O’Donnel also made an Adam Lambert doll. If you google “Rosie O’Donnel and Adam Lambert Doll” a picture of it will come. (Sorry, I don’t know how to embed links)

        • 8sourcandy permalink
          October 24, 2009 10:55 pm

          I spelled her name incorrectly—it’s O’Donnell.

  21. girl from mars permalink
    October 24, 2009 3:11 pm

    Gah. I hope someone found that one on the men’s room floor and reshelved it before this picture.

    • lauren722 permalink
      October 24, 2009 3:16 pm

      Hahahahahaaa
      I’m hoping she had the sense to buy the magazine after licking it and didn’t put it back O.O

  22. AdamFan permalink
    October 24, 2009 3:09 pm

    The only thing you got right was that Adam is famous. And even that’s not totally accurate. Most people have yet to even hear him. So he’s only going to be *really* famous very soon.

    Next thing wrong – the song is subpar. Of course you have the right to your opinion, as do I. My opinion is that the song is totally appropriate for what it was written for, it’s catchy, heart-grabbing, and Adam singing it only makes it better.

    As for that woman with the magazine – what does that even matter?

    • Lakshmi permalink
      October 24, 2009 3:49 pm

      AdamFan,

      Don’t you feel bad for the person who ended up buying that magazine? It has frau germs all over it! And it’s flu season, which makes it so much worse.

  23. SarahBeth permalink
    October 24, 2009 3:09 pm

    Oh. My. God.

    I have no words for that….

    Ugh!

  24. lauren722 permalink
    October 24, 2009 3:05 pm

    Oh my…I’m scared to go buy the magazine now knowing that Glamberts have been licking it…
    No! No Adam Lambert dolls! That would just be too creepy!

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