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The Albino Blonds Are Not Alright: ANTM Cycle 13 “Interview 101” Recap

October 24, 2009

To be honest, I wasn’t dying to watch the latest ANTM when I arrived home this evening. It was 11pm…it had been a long day. I had forgotten all about the previews from last week!

And then I went over to Gawker and discovered they had posted about tonight’s episode — Erin Wagner crashes and burns on America’s Next Top Model.

YAY!!! The Gelfling is a goner? I’m not going to actually read the article until I watched the show, however, the headline is PURE LOVE. PURE JOY. I cannot believe I had forgotten all about Gelfling Breakdown.

When we rejoin the wannabe mannequins at their not-so-humble Los Angeles abode, other blond chick Rae is talking about how she misses her daughter. Sigh. I forgot she was a single mother. How old is she again? Anyway, I don’t mind Rae so much anymore, as she is the lesser of two albino/Aryan-appearing evils.

ANTM Rae and Erin practice their model walks

The Gelfing bitches about Nicole, calling her socially awkward and using this time to tell the audience how she has a personality girls can relate to. Bitch is just jealous because Rae is totally tiring of her Gelfing ass and bonding with Nicole. Yay! Nicole is making friends.


Uh oh. Not only is Kentucky Laura from her grammy’s house in a parking meter-less town in Kentucky. She is also severely dyslexic. Oh well, while I imagine this may be a precursor to teleprompter-for-Cover-Girl-commercial drama, I’m glad I haven’t heard about it until this late in the game. Not like the dude with the dead wife from last season’s American Idol or anything…

I forgot Sundai Forehead was still there. The girls go to CBS Studios and some blond chick from The Insider is interviewing ANT of Celebrity Fit Club fame. It always makes me giggle because Ant seems to get chubbier every time I see him, so I have no idea why Drill Sargent Harvey doesn’t make him drop and give him 200. In this week’s challenge, as you have obviously guessed by now, the girls will interview Ant and be forced to think on their feet. And this is, of course, the challenge which will lead to one of those Cover Girl commercials where everyone fraks it all to hell.

By the way, if you think I’m being too harsh for someone who couldn’t do much better, whatevia. I just totally said, aloud in my apartment:

Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. Cover Girl.

And I said it with enough natural vivacity, both Nigel Barker and Queen Latifah would agree about my spokesmodel prowess.

Ant plays a variety of “Hollywood Characters” for each of the girls as practice. Rae starts. Ant asks if her tits are real. She keeps asking him if he likes ladies chasing him when um, yeah…she also keeps cutting him off. Gelfling is lame. Nicole bombs. Kentucky Laura has to fake giving him a Diet Coke.

Now they’re ready for the real thing and are lead to the actual set of The Insider. Self-important Seventeen editor Ann Shoket appears to tell the girls they will be interviewing the Adriana (Jessica Lowndes chick from 90210, aka youth-centric TV’s often unconvincing former child actress /former drug addict/underage mom who gave baby up for adoption. A teleprompter is also going to be involved. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.

ANTM Sundai Forehead

Sundai Forehead is all sorts of OMG THIS IS SO COOL.

Anytime there’s reading, there’s gonna be a problem with me.

I so called the Kentucky Laura Foreshadowing of the Teleprompter thing, did I not? Oh Ty-Ty, why are you so damn predictable? In Jessica Lowndes’ defense, she is rather pretty. She also seems kind of laid back, which is good, considering I had forgotten her actual real-life name before now. I mean, did you know her name-name?

Jennifer starts, and she’s doing a decent job until they pull the teleprompter…but she recovers? Yes! Even though the question is kind of weak, she obviously can think on her feet and exhibits skills good bullshitters can often use when answering questions on essay exams in high school or college.

Next up — Sundai and her Forehead. I am not sure whether it will be Sundai or her Forehead asking Miss Lowndes the questions this evening. One of them points out she is from Vancouver, to which Sundai / Forehead tell her its nice she adapted so easily and got right into it. Oh yes. Canada is much different from the U.S. Vancouver…so very much different…much adapting needed to be done. And the teleprompter (SURPRISE!) blanks once again. While she is bubbly and all that stuff, Self-Important Shoket and Lara Spencer note she interrupts a lot.

Cue the suspense music. Kentucky Laura is up and she’s just dreading having to read that gosh darn teleprompter, I reckon. Hey, I’m not making fun of dyslexia…I just would assume she has had some training in order to deal with the problem by this point in her life, right? She seems to read it just fine…she just gets confused when the teleprompter blanks because it comes up with the random numbers and letters before blanking. She curses. Oops. Hey, given her dyslexia, I can understand her WTF confusion when all the random stuff (not even lorem ipsun) popped up on the screen. Kentucky Laura totally blanks — just like the teleprompter. Back from the commercial break, after taking a moment, Kentucky Laura makes a decent recovery of sorts.

I’m just pretty much running on adrenaline in this competition, so I’m just pretty much ready for anything they throw at us.

Oh yes. More foreshadowing. Gelfing is going to learn over-confidence will frak her in the ass. However, during this challenge, Gelfling fairs well and is in control of the interview. I have a feeling she may have watched 90210 so she has a bit of background, asks the typical questions one would ask on an Insider-y show.

ANTM Jessica Lowndes interviewed by Erin Wagner

Brittany Lohan, I always forget about her, don’t you? She looks completely clueless the entire time. Rae gets points off for slouching, even though she asked the best question thus far and obviously got comfortable with the background material they were given before the challenge began.

Nervous Nicole goes next. She does okay, for being so nervous, however, she flubs a bit and asks Jessica Lowndes if she’s ever had kids herself.

The Gelfling gets props, Self-important Shoket says Rae was forgettable (really?), Jennifer owned it, and Kentucky Laura blew it. And while Jennifer owned it, Gelfling WINS. Yes, I’m groaning. Bring on the breakdown. She chooses Jennifer and Rae to go on the beauty shoot with her, so I guess they’re not that bitter. When they go on their shoot, Gelfling continues to get too big for her petite, skinny fit britches.


They’re shooting their first CG commercial! DUH! They receive kits to help them, including product info, notepads and pens for them to write their own 25-30 second script. Nice twist, actually. Gefling is an irritating twat and jumps up to says she’s done, and then goes to bed. I am actually loving the obvious foreshadowing / fun-times editing right now. Hee hee hee.

Arriving on set with Jay Manuel also brings out last cycle’s winner — Teyona Anderson. I had totally and completely forgotten about this girl. In fact, I cannot even remember anything about Cycle 12. Am I just getting old? Or has this show become completely…unmemorable. Ah, ok. I recall a bit of it when they show clips from last season’s CG shoot. Mr. Jay needs to review their scripts but tells them he will not be directing them today. Just when I think OH FRAK NO TYRA PLEASE NO, the Patron Saint of Wannabe Models and the Women Who Watch this Shit at Home enters from stage right…

ANTM Jay Manuel, Teyona and Nigel Barker at the Cover Girl shoot

NIGEL NIGEL NIGEL!!! And everything is better now, because no matter what happens tonight, it is okay. Because tonight means more Nigel Barker screen time. Oh, Nigel…like, if it doesn’t work out between you and your gorgeous wife, just give me a call. I will pack up everything and move away with you to your posh London flat. I will even let fashion rags I would never allow in my home (i.e., In Style) come and photograph our posh flat on the edge of Hyde Park. I mean, Nigel and I wouldn’t be too posh. We are still artistes.

Teyona does the typical CG product shill — Cover Girl Eyelights Shadow, Liner and Mascara. That’s all they let most of the ANTM winners do (exceptions were the awesome Danielle Evans and Cari Dee English, who were the only ones resigned after their ANTM winners’ contracts expired.)

Oh Nigel, how can I concentrate on critiquing the models when you’re here? Nicole gets through her nerves a bit and does a serviceable job. Nigel finds Sundai Forehead to be completely disappointing. I love him even more…and we haven’t even made it to the crucial Gelfling Breakdown yet!

I’m pretty confident. I’m a winner. And the other girls are gonna have to deal with it.

And she will crash and burn…this is so awesome. Keep talking yourself up, Gelfling, keep doing it, sweetheart. You’ll be eating those words very shortly.

Jennifer tilts her head a few times too many but it doesn’t matter. She’s natural and charming. Even Nigel agrees. He loves her and has decided yes, she really has something. Christ, don’t you just love hearing Nigel critique on this show? HE MAKES SENSE. HE IS NOT CRAZY TYRA.

And speaking of natural and charming, oh Nigel. I just love watching you work. He’s uber-encouraging to Kentucky Laura who explains how she is going to do the commercial as if she is telling her sister what she got her for her birthday. He laughs and calls it method acting. Can’t this show be all-Nigel, all-Mr. Jay with some Miss J. diva snark thrown in ALL THE TIME??? Not once tonight have I heard any form of the word smize.

ANTM: Laura Kirkpatrick Cover Girl Commercial Shoot

Kentucky Laura stumbles on lines a bit. Nigel tries to build her confidence.

Laura did a miserable job learning her lines. But she did a fantastic job bringing herself and her personality to the shoot.

I am falling more in love with Nigel as each model shoots their faux-commercial. Brittany Lohan is wooden as all hell. Nigel thinks she is a robot. Then he imitates a robot saying easy. breezy. beautiful .cover. girl. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH NIGEL BARKER. He also finds Rae dull and not very likable, which she does kind of come off as during the shoot.


All confidence when she arrives, Gelfling quickly starts fraking up. And hello? What is up with the stupid-ass script she wrote? Something about her eyes changing colors with the light or how her eyes are beautiful in ANY light?

ANTM: Erin Wagner breaks down during Cover Girl commercial shoot

Gelfling is floundering. She is sinking fast. She keeps turning around in the little set, banging her head and making horsey noises. Nigel tries to help her, but the bitch ain’t listening. She also sounds like a complete twat.

Seriously this is the most stressful situation anyone could have pressed me into. (Tears…inaudible…) He is (mumble mumble) not kind (?)

I’m just speculating what the last part is, because I couldn’t really understand but listen here, Gelfling bitch, those are fighting words. Nigel Barker is the most patient and encouraging of all the ANTM mentors. Jay Manuel would have told you to frak yourself by this point. Nigel’s patience is tapped, but he’s still TRYING. Oh and one more thing, if this is the most stressful situation blah blah blah, maybe you aren’t cut out to be on this show?

ANTM Erin Wagner breaks down


Well, Tyra is always wearing variations on the Hammer pants these days. Oh Tyra, why so serious?

ANTM Cycle 13 Judges Panel

Gelfling really should be eliminated, especially because after her big commercial fail, she shows up to panel in some hooker outfit and what appears to be a French Braid. However, I always enjoy panel…why, you ask?

ANTM Nigel Barker: I love this man.

Well DUH. Oh, and this guy’s fun, too. (But I’m wondering why Tyra got away with saying “Six beautiful girls stand before me…” when there are clearly SEVEN girls, just as Miss J.’s blouse reads.)

ANTM Runway Diva Extraordinaire Miss J. Alexander

Ok. Tyra. WHAT THE FRAK IS THIS SHIT? Why is this non-model, non-entity person sitting at the judge’s table?

Why is Kim Kardashian an ANTM judge?


Well, Jennifer passes with flying colors. I’m hoping she gets called first tonight. Tyra has to ask Kentucky Laura what exactly severe dyslexia is…oh Tyra. Brittany knew her script better than anyone, and now learning she’s a mathematician (I prefer the educated ones), I like her better, however, she was a robot in that commercial. Nicole did well, I think, which is noted. But Tyra, stop bitching about her glasses. She wanted to see the judges better. Kim Kardashian will get one point in my book for saying she liked it, calling it geeky chic, of course, but she still liked it. Kardashian is actually offering up decent advice? Pertinent advice…a bit better than Tyra tonight? Hot damn.

Sundai Forehead is slammed. Kardashian called her a saleswoman. Heh heh heh. Uh oh…here comes Gelfing in her retarded outfit. She’s already tearing up — let’s see her best take.

As Gelfing is stumbling around like a drunk…

ANTM Kim Kardashian is not amused with Erin Wagner

Kardashian is giving bitch you suck glare. WTF is happening to me? I am almost enjoying Kim fraking Kardashian on this goddamn show. I know this is wrong.

You could tell you were really nervous, but you did write the script yourself. It shouldn’t be that hard to memorize.

Kim Kardashian, had only you gone to college and not hung out with those Hilton twits or bought into the 10-karat gold-plated version of Hollywood fame, you could have gone and done something spectacular with your life because frankly, you might be a genius. I mean, not a genius-genius (or even a Real Genius a la Val Kilmer) but sweetheart, you aren’t an idiot. I had no idea.

Uh oh, Nigel mentions smizing during deliberations. Oh well…I’ll let him have one this time. Tyra is one of his employers and all…Tyra doesn’t hide her preference for Sundai Forehead. It’s kind of getting ridiculous.

YAY! Jennifer is called first! And then Nicole! I AM HAPPY!!! Brittany Math is third…Sundai is fourth (WTF)…Laura is fifth…looks like its albino blond vs. albino blond…I have a bad feeling about this one.

ANTM Rae Weisz and Erin Wagner in the bottom 2

And I knew it…bitch thinks Gelfling has the potential. GROAN. I’m not happy anymore.

Naturally, Rae has got the sads, but she can’t wait to see her daughter. You know what I can’t wait for? Sunday. (Because Mad Men is on.) Not SUNDAI. And uh…I just checked Wikipedia and discovered Sundai’s last name. It’s LOVE. Her name is SUNDAI LOVE. You have got to be kidding me. OMG. Was her mother a fraking drag queen? And don’t even play. Bitch is no SPOONIE LUV.

Spoonie Luv

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Jess permalink
    November 2, 2009 1:52 pm

    i love, love, love your ANTM recaps. I’ve been visiting for the past few days in anticipation of reading the 10/28 episode recap. Hope to read it soon!

  2. Sherena permalink
    October 24, 2009 11:02 pm

    I love your ANTM recaps, even though I don’t watch ANTM. And yes, Kim K isn’t an idiot… her father was a lawyer, and a good one, after all! So, good genes. I kind of have vacillating feelings about her but overall I like her.

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