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ANTM Cycle 13 Dive Deeper aka just another episode where Gelfling Erin Wagner escapes elimination once again

November 6, 2009

On last week’s Top Model, Tyra stuck all the girls in blackface and then booted the increasingly likable Brittany Math. This was especially sad because the obnoxious, irritating and all-around just sucky at life Gelfling Erin was saved to annoy us for at least another week.

All the girls hate the Gelfling. I momentarily like Sundai Forehead because she speaks very eloquently about her disdain for the Gelfling. In fact, when Sundai Forehead alludes to her rough background (which I really know nothing about), I’m really not minding her too much this week. I don’t think she should model, but how many of these girls actually make a career out of it post-Tyra?

The morning of the week’s challenge (or what appears to be, as I have no idea how they edited this shit) is also an impromptu birthday celebration for Kentucky Laura. This may be a first, as I do not remember any other contestants in cycle’s past celebrating a birthday while on the show.

My whole life is changing as we speak. I went from castrating bulls, to being on this show —

Whoa. What? Oh Kentucky Laura, please tell me you did that with your awesome Memaw!! Kentucky Laura eats eggs and SPAM for breakfast. Have you ever eaten SPAM? I did for the first time this summer and lemme tell you, sometimes that mutant meat by-product is just soooo good. I refuse to make fun of it anymore. I will provide you with the recipe at the end of the recap.

ANTM-Laura-Birthday-Breakfast

After breakfast, the girls are whisked away to a deserted beach where Marissa Miller arrives in a canoe with eight Hawaiian men. Victoria’s Secret Angel Marissa Miller is going to teach them how to be sexy — hot-but-not-over-the-top. She actually fills the girls in on an interesting tip, which I swear she only credited Ty-Ty for because Ty-Ty threatened to beat her ass with a turkey leg. Miller informs them women prefer seeing a woman’s curves from the side, where men prefer the straight-on shots. She also explains the concept of Barbie Toe, which means you act like you’re wearing high heels when you’re not by popping the foot up in the same position as Mattel’s cash-cow dream doll.

I like Marissa Miller. She gives the girls pertinent advice…and she hasn’t said SMIZE! Love her! She makes the girls go into the ocean to get wet so they can come back and work on their sexy bikini poses…after the roll around in the sand. Since Jennifer has had a tendency to look too sexy sometimes, according to the esteemed judging panel, I’m hoping she pulls out the goods in this week’s photo shoot.

The girls all have to stand in a shower…while looking sexy as the water washes over them. Gelfling tries to hard. Sundai Forehead looks like she is 5. And Nicole easily nails it although she readily states she has no clue how to be sexy.

Since this week’s theme is obviously how to be sexy, they obviously need to step it up a notch now that they’ve been ordered to stand on a cliff. OH YES. OH YES. Sexy Back is now playing in my mind as a very tanned, toned and gorgeously bald NIGEL BARKER appears.

ANTM Nigel Barker and Marissa Miller

And then he tells the girls they have to jump off the cliff and into the water. SIGN ME UP. I can’t believe these girls are scared. I would do almost anything Nigel Barker told me to do…especially if he was going to be recording it all with his camera. (Or even, at this point, Jono Night’s camera) Each girl gets only one shot. Kentucky Laura volunteers to go first. The Gelfling says she’ll go next, and how she’s jump off anything, just tell her to do it. Oh please, why make this so easy. I will go find a building for you.

The winner of the challenge will win a $5000 necklace of chocolate pearls…AND extra frames at the next shoot. She, in turn, picks someone else to get extra frames, and then that girl…you get the picture. One person will be left out, and this will obviously be the girl everyone hates (please oh please oh please say the Gelfling).

Nicole is the obvious winner. Her photo was actually pretty damn good, almost unbelievably good for this competition. And YAY!!! No one gives Gelfling Erin extra frames.

No one chose Erin because she’s a little brat and she gets on people’s nerves.

Thank you, Nicole. So true. I love how much you’ve been coming out of your shell. Nicole is gotta win this whole damn thing.

KENTUCKY LAURA’S BIRTHDAY BASH!

Back at Midget Model Manor of Greater Maui, the girls are prepping for a little birthday soiree for Kentucky Laura. Of course, Gelfling has to act crazy and demands accolades for the cupcakes she’s making. The other girls want her to shove a cupcake in it.

ANTM Laura Kirkpatrick Birthday Party

Kentucky Laura has a wonderful birthday. She is starting to grow on me, with all her down-home Southern charm or something. But bad editing alert! They show Laura go to bed early before the commercial break, but when we return, all the girls are up and about (still in birthday attire) reading TYRA MAIL. Tomorrow, they will be hanging with some “local natives”.

Russell James will be shooting them…at sea. It is obvious they will not be just posing on a boat. No sireeeee! I have a feeling they will be underwater, given that Mr. James. pops up from the boat’s hull in a wet suit and some other-worldly camera equipment. YUP! I was right. Color me smart. Jennifer is super excited. She even plays Titanic with the Gelfling!

ANTM-Jennifer-and-Rae-play-Titanic

Kentucky Laura goes first, of course, and she freaks out. But she recovers, and everyone is pleased. Nicole hides her nerves like a professional. When she goes down again, she delivers even better photos. Jennifer was too close to the surface on her first round, but she recovers after heeding Mr. Jay’s advice. Sundai Forehead just bitched about her asthma and wouldn’t go down that far, and wouldn’t use the air regulator. I guess she does better the second time.

Gelfling, as well all know, can only go down once. She wouldn’t go deep. Russell James is not impressed. He says he could have shot her in a swimming pool because all the bitch did was hang around just beneath the surface. Yawn. Let’s kick the bitch out now. Let’s just do it.

LET’S ALL GO TO PANEL…LET’S ALL GO TO PANEL (I have that Let’s all go to the movies melody in my head right now, mmm-kay?)

ANTM Cycle 13 Top 5 Models

Tyra calls up her little pet Sundai Forehead first. And then she prattled on something about inunciation which, holy hell. I need a clip to best illustrate this Ty-Ty tsunami of nonsense. (Just keep watching…)

You can barely see Sundai Forehead’s face…or forehead…and she was too close to the surface, but Tyra is unimpressed with Sundai’s excuses made during the shoot. After all, lots of people suffer from, asthma. Kentucky Laura’s grammy just sent her a new jacket she made after she saw the real one in Bazaar. They take it away, because it does not look good with her dress. Marissa Miller is soooo smart, she suggests pairing it with jeans and a simple tank top. She is upstaging Ty-Ty. Ty-Ty will remember this and exact her revenge later.

Tyra is super crazy tonight. She starts breathing exercises after Jennifer exhales once they say they like the photo. Personally, I think she just had a mini-orgasm because Nigel said the shot was part dream, part fantasy…sigh, I just exhaled, too…hearing him say such things.

Nicole has a cool photo, but she didn’t do the BARBIE TOE, therefore, it is not as cool as it might have been.

And here comes Gelfling…NIGEL HATES IT and says it looks like a test shot. Tyra tells her to stop trying so damn hard. Uh, yeah. While the judges deliberate, Nigel ends up joking about having a feet fetish. Of course, you know what this means! Ty-Ty has to get in on the conversation, since Marissa Miller and Nigel were having too much fun! What is this show all about, kiddies? It’s all about TYRA!!!

All of it just gets out of control once Ty-Ty gets involved. (BTW, Marissa’s shoes are soooo much cuter than Tyra’s black pumps.)

ANTM: Nigel Barker's "foot fetish"

YAY! Jennifer wins best photo! And then Nicole…she was screwed because of the Barbie Toe. Oh, this is all so obvious. Laura is called next…down to Sundai Forehead and Gelfling Erin. (Was Sundai foreshadowing her demise earlier in the episode, when she would only share stories from her foster child youth if she made it to the Top 4?)

I can’t believe I would have ever been pissed when Sundai Forehead was eliminated.

ANTM -- Sundai is eliminated

Are you kidding me??? Kidding me? Against the Gelfling? Why the hell are you people keeping that twat in the competition when she clearly sucks! Bottom 2 THREE WEEKS IN A ROW!!! And uh, yeah…the other girls don’t think it’s fair, either — THIS my be my favorite ANTM scene yet!

ANTM: Laura, Nicole and Jennifer are in shock!

Bye bye, Sundai Forehead Love. You were robbed. Can’t believe I’m saying this, but yeah, you were ROBBED. Like whitey brought your ass down. Ugh. I almost want to call the ACLU about this shit, Sundai Forehead, I really, really, really do.

BTW, I’ve decided the Most Incredible & Delicious SPAM Recipe Ever deserves its own post, as I do have photos. In the meantime, let’s think about how whitey brought Sundai Love down. But I think Sundai Love is a survivor. She’s make it. All she has to do is find inspiration from Joan Holloway (Christina Hendricks). After all, don’t all of us often wish we had the know-how of Ms. Holloway (I refuse to call her Joan Harris now. Plus her idiot husband is just gonna bite it in Nam, anyway…), and we all know if a gal can get through anything, you should always put the smart money on Joanie.

joan-holloway-mad-men1

 

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. scetjm permalink
    December 1, 2009 8:57 pm

    Actually what happened is, Jen came in 5th, Erin came in 3rd, all the girls are good friends, and they are all pursuing modeling as a career as we speak. Stop hating on Erin, those who can’t do, JUDGE!

  2. Jess permalink
    November 6, 2009 4:59 pm

    yay! another recap.
    I think that nicole is going to win. she is beautiful. And I agree with you on the Asian thang. Unfortunately there aren’t a ton of Asian girls who are taller than 5’7 (spoken by an Asian girl of ‘average’ Asian girl height, 5’4) so this may be the best chance an Asian girl has had on ANTM thus far.

  3. ShaqAttack permalink
    November 6, 2009 1:57 pm

    don’t worry topidol, I read a reliable spoiler that says Laura and Nicole are the final 2.

    • TopIdol permalink
      November 6, 2009 2:33 pm

      Well, Jennifer better outlast the Gelfling is all I have to say. Ugh. It’s really time they let an Asian girl win it, but hey, if Nicole loses I will call bullshit because she is clearly the one who might actually be able to make some money.

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