SYTYCD Top 16 Results: I told you the quickstep equals death
Ah, the first results show I’ve watched all season. Let’s get this show on the road. I also have to trudge through another excruciating episode of ANTM this evening.
Group Dance — Warrior Pt. 2 (Lloyd Banks) — Choreographed by Dave Scott
The group routine begins with Russell, naturally, as a man with dreadlocks is more warrior-esque than the other dudes. The dancers are doing their thing in front of a MAYAN TEMPLE backdrop. You would think with the money the Fox network brings in, they could spring for more than your garden-variety screensavers package. When will they do a routine in front of the ULTIMATE STOCKFROG?
Is it just me, or is the group routine always in a similar genre of the strongest dance of that week’s competition (i.e., Russell and Noelle’s Afro Jazz number from last night). Makes one wonder how it’s all planned.
Tonight is the first night where the audience decides who goes home. I’m hoping America decided to give Moron Mollee her rightfully-earned don’t let the door hit you on the way out moment while I also ponder why Crazy Mary Murphy isn’t the national spokesmodel for Cache.
Mary Murphy : Cache :: Debbie Phelps : Chico’s
The first three couples, starting with Ellenore and Peter, who were savaged for last night’s Lil C hip hop routine. These two are probably in the most danger because a) Ellenore is tan and America favors cute-as-a-button blond white girls, just ask Nancy Grace. Every time one of them dies, her ratings go sky high (That bitch and $cientologist whacko Greta van Sustersen made the Missing White Woman Syndrome borderline pandemic); and b) Little girls love Nathan and SYTYCD can’t stop pimping Mollee Moron, and while they sucked more than any other couple last night, they will probably be spared (Well, we can keep Nathan. Just give him another partner.) Also in danger are Pauline & Peter, who danced in the middle of the show, and perhaps Kevin and Karen, who got mad props but had the disadvantage of going first. I would also add Kathryn & Legacy into this group, but Legacy goes by the name Legacy and people eat that shit up.
Big surprise, Ellenore & Peter are in the bottom 3.
Channing Cooke & Viktor Smalley go next. While Stacey Tookey’s contemporary routine to Rachael Yamagata’s Be Be Your Love lacked the emotional punch of say, a Mia Michaels–or Sonya Tayeh (Where are you, Sonya???)–routine about toxic relationships, it was still strong. They’re up against Legacy & Katelyn, who will probably be safe, as people like dudes with quirky self-given names. OH WAIT. Cat Deeley played a trick on everyone. Both couples are safe! Jesus christ, how is Cat Deeley not even nominated for the bullshit Emmy for Best Reality TV Host. She dances circles around that game show-voiced loser who hosts that has-beens & Olympic-Gold-Medal-Winners-Not-Named-Phelps ballroom dancing shit, and the bastard who does Survivor, he and John Mayer should really be forced to eat each others testes in some tribal challenge, because on occasion, they nearly make Karl Rove seem charming.
Some guy from season 3 with skunk hair named Dominic Sandoval does results show filler by having those waiting in the holding pen outside the studio before the taping(s) dance. I ignore this at first, until I realize I’ve been in that same area during Top Idol’s Big Fraking American Idol Adventure this past April (and don’t forget Part 2 and Part 3!) Many Glamberts who watch this shit will assume Dominic is trying to look like their lord, christ & savior because they don’t realize there are tens of thousands of glittery gays with prep school-esque blazers & dyed spikey hair roaming the streets of L.A. because the bus that took them past all the stars’ homes never went down Melrose Ave.
Ashleigh & Jakob better not be in the Bottom 3. This will bother me. Yay! Ashleigh, Jakob and all their pearly-white chompers are SAFE!
Pauline & Peter are up next. I assume they will be the next couple in the Bottom 3 because the Quickstep always equals death, although the judges’ praise for character development could keep them in, HOWEVER, they are standing next to Noelle & Russell, who SIMPLY CANNOT be on the verge of near-elimination, as they were allowed into the bar car of Crazy Mary’s Hot Tamale Train. And since we haven’t thrown anyone into the pit in the last 10-15 minutes, I’m going to go with Pauline and Peter. And now I’m pissed because I remembered their Sean Cheesman-choreographed routine was about a princess and a frog, therefore SYTYCD totally missed the opportunity to use the ULTIMATE STOCKFROG backdrop.
Naturally, I am correct. Because Pauline & Peter did the quickstep, and she is ethnic and he is white. White women are threatened of tan gals with their white men, especially Asian chicks. Oh yeah, and they did the quickstep.
Crazy Mary Murphy has gone kooky with the Botox. Silly Mary, you can’t put it in your cheeks and smile lines, that’s what Juvaderm is for! You need to stop injecting it after those dates with Captain Morgan, because sweetie…
You don’t really want to look like The Joker circa 1989 now, do you?
Karen & Kevin vs. Moron Mollee & Nathan
Once again, TBTB are saving Moron Mollee for last. Because they are deluded enough to believe she has fans. That’s why they stuck her with the little boy who little girls will squee over. Karen & Kevin were sort of sloppy, but they were still great…especially in comparison to Moron Mollee & Nathan who looked like they just stepped out of an 8th Grade Cotillion class.
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. Look how retarded Moron Mollee’s hair looks. That is NOT how one does the side-swept braid. I still like Nathan, but am disturbed by the deliberate emo blowout he’s sporting.
Mollee is way too young to be samba-ing sexily (Nathan may be, too.), as one can tell from her expression at the end of that shit routine. And because little girls love Nathan–he looks like one of those werewolf idiots in those lame ass vampire books/movies, Karen & Kevin are ROYALLY SCREWED. At least 1980s British Hair breaks it down, although he really should have called out Moron Mollee for immaturity and overall suckitude. Karen & Kevin are visibly pissed. I know Karen wants to shank that bitch Mollee, hell, I’ll sneak her the shank in a freshly-baked Devil’s Food cake, for chrissake.
These are your 6 losers. Please note all of the females are non-white.
This week’s soloist shows up and starts out by voguing a la Benny Ninja, reminding me I still have Ty-Ty’s Weekly Shit Fest to recap this evening. I don’t get his name because I am mesmerized by the melodically posh lilt in the Goddess Cat Deeley’s voice.
A female dancer shows up. She has great legs, which I assume is because she is a professional dancer. You can’t put one over on me! Another girl shows up. This routine is all about OMG A LOVE TRIANGLE. And as I had also correctly assumed, they are part of Alvin Ailey’s dance company. When in doubt, always assume Alvin Ailey.
DANCING FOR THEIR LIVES!!!
Ellenore goes first and dances to uh, a song called Eleanor by Alexa Woodward because it is her name, even if it is spelled differently. I don’t like Ellenore’s leotard-top thingy. But I do swoon when Cat Deeley calls her sweet pea.
Ryan is next, doing some swing/ballroom/flips (borrowing Peter’s GI outfit from the night before, I assume) to Jump With My Baby by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. He has a nice smile. I hope his wife Ashleigh doesn’t dump him if he gets booted before her. We don’t need two broken marriages at the hands of So You Think You Can Dance.
Pauline grooves to Took The Night by Chelley. She is much sexier than Moron Mollee can ever hope to be. There’s a commercial break, and I realize I love the Boost Mobile commercial with the cannibalistic pigs. I am bored. Very bored. Oskar is bored. Very bored.
Peter gets to tap. The tap dancers have been picked off one by one. Peter can do crazy shit on his tippy-toes. I am impressed, even though he finishes with some bizarro facial expressions during his final gyrations.
Karen is ready to smolder to Celia y Tito. I don’t believe Karen has referred to herself as a fiery latina, which endears me to her, especially since Karen and I are going to be close friends and I’m going to sneak her that shank in a freshly-baked Devil’s Food cake. And then the music kind of makes me sad because I have a horrible feeling Jennifer Lopez will try and star in a Celia Cruz biopic sometime in the near future. Yup. Karen smolders. There is no reason she should have been in the Bottom 3. Cat Deeley agrees with me by proclaiming it’s not even right…how gorgeous you are. She recovers as to not let on that she agrees with myself and Karen, and how it’s not even right Karen is in the Bottom 3 over Moron Mollee.
Kevin is next. Kevin (dancing to I Question Mark by Wade Robson) should also be pissed he is dancing for his life. Meanwhile, I wonder why Wade Robson has decided to record music and if Britney Spears would have turned out any better had she not cheated on Justin Timberlake with Wade Robson, causing the end of their relationship and triggering her (inevitable) descent into batshit crazy. And then I wonder if Justin Timberlake would have made bad music and not good music, or if he ever would have been funny on SNL if they stayed together longer than they had. And then I realize how thankful I am I don’t read US Weekly or Perez Hilton because for someone who could give a rat’s ass about celebrity gossip, I still know these things. And it frightens me. Back on topic — I like Kevin. I like crumpers because they have the power to awe me. Contemporary dancers rarely do that. All they do is roll around on the floor, leap a few times, and offer looks of sadness and longing, punctuated by reaching out to the audience at key intervals.
Ellenore is gone. And probably Peter, because they keep killing off the tappers. But 1980s British Hair is pissed because they think all the soloists sucked. 1980s British Hair tells Karen she is intimidating to young voters because she is so smoldering. Well, hey, sometimes we want to watch adults dance. Not children. And Ellenore, well, contemporary is often boring. However, the axe is gonna fall on Pauline. She is conventional and classroom-y. 1980s British Hair says they will let her leave the competition. Well…what if she doesn’t want to go? Bye bye, Pauline. It should have been MORON MOLLEE.
It makes me even sadder when Cat Deeley celebrates Pauline’s time on the show in such a sweet way, especially because Pauline looks like a midget standing next to the Goddess. And if we know two things I love, it’s midgets and Cat Deeley.
When the guys come up, 1980s British Hair brings up Ade for the second time. That’s because everyone loves Ade…and Ade’s Pick!!! They decide to keep Kevin (everyone likes dueling black male street dancers!) and sacrifice yet another tapper…and ensure everyone else keeps the same partners next week.
And once again…the quickstep equals death.