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ANTM Cycle 13 Hawaiian Hip Hop: I want to see you do a dance about bull castrating

November 12, 2009

Nothing good can come out of an ANTM episode entitled Hawaiian Hip Hop with an appearance from Seventeen editor, Ann Shoket. Nothing good. Well…if the Gelfling gets sent packing, perhaps.

This cycle’s second to last episode (Hello? How won’t the final 2 be Nicole vs. Kentucky Laura) seems anti-climactic. They’re in Hawaii, which is beautiful, but boooorrrring. What? The wannabe midget models couldn’t get their passports in time or we were economizing because of the recession. Hey, I know Hawaii is super expensive, but it had to have been cheaper than a jaunt to Asia or South Africa, or anywhere in Europe. Where, exactly, is the world-class modeling scene in Hawaii?

Here is everything we need to know. Gelfling knows she’s lucky to still be there. Everyone else hates the Gelfling and wants to send her ass on the first flight back to the mainland. Jennifer and Nicole are in awe of Jennifer’s leg muscles in last week’s photos. Kentucky Laura can’t believe she’s in the Final 4 because not that long ago, she was castrating bulls and cutting hay. She also needs to provide for a gaggle of siblings back on the farm and show them how to be successful. In the words of my mother, Jesus Gutt.

This week’s challenge involves hula krunking. Predictable. And I can’t believe Ty-Ty resisted an opportunity to surprise everyone and bust a move. Okay…so its not hula krunking. It’s hula hip hop. I can’t wait to watch the Gelfling fail miserably.

I’m pretty confident I can learn the moves because I was a cheerleader. I can win.

When the Gelfling talks, this is what I feel like:

Chucky from Child's Play

The Gelfling thinks she was really helpful to the other girls because of her semi-dance background. I want Nicole to cut the bitch. I want Kentucky Laura to do a dance about castrating bulls.

Things begin to look up when the fabulous Miss J. Alexander arrives on the scene. Anyone who doesn’t love Miss J. can kiss my ass.

Snap judgment: Right now, in a casual and relaxed pre-hula hip hop setting, Jennifer looks the best.

ANTM-Cycle-13-Top-4-Hula-Hip-Hop-Challenge

The winner of the challenge will receive a return trip to Hawaii, including a five-night stay at the Four Seasons. Jennifer is the first one up, and no matter how many daggers the Gelfling shoots her way, she still does a good job and impresses their instructor.

Gelfling thinks she’s all that, and maybe she can do the moves, but she’s off from the other gals. She thinks her dance is all about childhood sadness and emerging through it during adolescence, blah blah blah. Miss J. thinks she looks angry. Laura kind of looks a mess, but everyone thinks she told a story and knows how to shake her booty. Nicole looks a bit clueless, but it’s really not going to matter because she will likely win it all. And since part of her story was about awkwardness, she was totally right on. Miss J. then imitates her dance. I love watching Miss J. dance.

ANTM-Cycle-13-Miss-J-Alexander-Hula-Hip-Hop

THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Inexplicably, or because of her booty, Laura wins. But she’s going to take Jennifer with her back to Maui, so that’s cool. Kentucky Laura has no clue what the Four Seasons is, but Jennifer tells her it is a coveted hotel with a five-star rating and a celebrity clientele.

TYRA MAIL!!!

Something about pressure making you wanting to explode…can we shoot flamethrowers at the Gelfling? Nah…the four gals end up on something called a Secret Beach with Jay Manuel. They’re going to be posing on volcanic rock as a Hawaiian goddess Palay (sp). WHOA. BIG TWIST. Next week’s final episode of the cycle will only feature the last two standing, as TWO girls will be eliminated based on their photo shoot this week. DUN DUN DUN!!!

Jennifer has a bit of trouble in the photo shoot, I think mainly out of nerves. She starts out with a standard “goddess pose” and tries to stay on her tippy toes, even when told not to–of course, what was she supposed to do when Mr. Jay told them all to model H2T–Head-to-Toe (Ugh, TYRA! Stop trying to make it happen!).

Nicole fairs better, obviously, because Nicole is unstoppable in this competition. Mr. Jay thinks she essentially shot a campaign.

ANTM-Cycle-13-Nicole-Fox-Top-4-Photo-Shoot

Kentucky Laura stumbles around a bit and looks like she’s in pain. She seems awkward. Nicole doesn’t think she can do high fashion or inspire photographers. MEOW. And noooooo. Laura’s performance caused Mr. Jay to say SMIZE. However, I do suspect she got a good photo out of it all, even though Mr. Jay told her she looked a little boozy. Hee hee. She’s nervous about panel. Now let’s see the Gelfling fail.

She promises to look powerful and wrathful in her face. She looks brain dead, like a Zombie Gelfling. Mr. Jay even asks, do you feel pretty? In a poor attempt to soften her face, she sings a pop song “the teenagers listen to” in her head. For chrissake, she is a teenager. She also sounds like a fake twat when thanking the photographer. Yes, indeed. I cannot stand the Gelfling.

There’s gonna be a lot of praying tonight. A lot.

Good god. When did Kentucky Laura start getting all openly religious on us? Of course, if I was sharing a room with the Zombie Gelfling, I may pray, too. Homegirl has evil running through her veins and boogers in her eyes.

ANTM-Cycle-13-Erin-Wagner-Top-4-Episode

TO THE JUDGES! AKA QUALITY TIME WITH NIGEL BARKER

The Gelfling looks like a moron. Kentucky Laura kind of does, too. Alas. Right now, her and Jennifer are oozing personality and hell, both of them still get (another) vacation in Hawaii so let’s do this thing.

ANTM-Cycle-13-Top-4-Models

Yo, Tyra. I know you’ve embraced your fuller figure since you’ve retired from the catwalk, but honey, those tapered, wide-leg pants aren’t flattering on any figure, let alone yours. Even Mr. J. is freaked the hell out because your ass looks bigger than his sleeves. Nigel is doing everything in his power to divert his attention elsewhere.

ANTM-Cycle-13-Tyra-Banks-Terrible-Pants

The final two will compete/walk in a Julia Clancy fashion show there in Hawaii. And Tyra’s ruched sleeves are hurting my eyes.

Gelfling goes first. Shoket thinks she is glowing. Nigel thinks she looks sexy and points out how you can’t SMIZE in every picture. (YESSSS! Nigel hates that smizing shit, too!) Tyra thinks she lucked out with an amazing shot, but looked sleepy.

Nigel is not into Jennifer’s shot. Shoket thinks her neck disappears. Tyra thinks she forgot her face and had no focus and went all amateur by holding her dress, but a tan looks good on her…which she feels guilty about saying because tanning is BAD. Nigel pipes up and says a tan looks good on everyone. Damn straight, Nigel. How is it you make me fall more in love with you each and every week? You are the reason I still watch this mindless tripe, Nigel Barker, oh yes, you are.

Kentucky Laura is up next. Her outfit is rightfully skewered. Don’t these girls ever learn anything? They think Laura’s best shot is very pretty and compare her to Rachel Hunter, whom I’ve personally never cared for. Honestly, Laura’s face looks a bit crazy crazy crazy. Those are crazy eyes. Crazy eyes!

ANTM-Cycle-13-Laura-Kirkpatrick-Rachel-Hunter

Miss J sums it up for everyone oh-so eloquently.

You have many faces. I think of the day when I always thought you would be…gold tooth in the mouth full of decay.

The judges cream all over the photo. I still think she looks like a crazy person. Then they turn smizing into smozing or some such nonsense. I have to tune it out.

I have no idea why they chose this photo of Nicole because she had better shots. Her face looks gorgeous, but they don’t think she used her entire body. It doesn’t really matter, though, because we already know Nicole and Laura have it in the bag.

Tyra says this is one of the most dramatic judging panels ever. Yawn. Although they say wonderful things about Jennifer, I still think its Nicole and Laura. Finally we are rid of the Gelfling and it has to be soured by losing sweet Jennifer.

ANTM-Cycle-13-Nicole-Laura-Finalists

Naturally, Nicole is called first. And rightfully so…now Tyra gets to cut the three girls a final time. It’s all about their strengths and weaknesses, but only one girl has what it takes to be a finalist…blah blah blah…duh. Laura. And we finish tonight’s program with Tyra offering a group hug for Tyra’s sake. Because it’s all about Tyra Tyra Tyra. It looks like she may eat them.

ANTM-Cycle-13-Tyra-Erin-Jennifer-Group-Hug

Tyra finishes with some bullshit inspirational speech, which only serves to twist the knife a bit more in Gelfling’s back in a tiny way. She says if she would have made it to the finals if she worked harder. And now the dumb bitch is crying. I can’t take it. Oh, Jennifer, I will miss you. I wish you well.  And you sound like you benefited from the experience, unlike the bitter, dense Erin Wagner, our fair Gelfling.

Oh Gelfling, I have the perfect man for you. His name is Paul, and just like you, he can’t handle the quiet awkward girl getting all the accolades. And just like you, he’s not allowed to go along for the ride.Mad-Men-Paul-Kinsey-Season-3-Finale

 

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Wino permalink
    November 12, 2009 4:38 pm

    you made a MadMen AND Chucky refrence? can i marry you? Nicole is fierce, and actually has a “look”. She’s probably worthy of the title more so than most of the “normal” height winners of the past. the best part of the season (besides yummy Nigel)is the follow up on past contestants doing REAL modeling work (none of this lame hip hop horray hoola crap).

    • TopIdol permalink
      November 12, 2009 9:49 pm

      Agreed. I always get excited for that last commercial break so I can see what a former contestant is doing now. It makes me feel better because sometimes I worry a few of them may be going hungry — not by choice. The other reason the “Top Models in Action” segment is the best part of the show is because it is narrated by Nigel Barker. The only way it could be improved would be if they showed him narrating it…while tanned and shirtless.

  2. kneipho permalink
    November 12, 2009 2:48 pm

    Dramatic Chipmunk gets me every time!

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