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ANTM Cycle 13 Finale: America’s Next Maybe Employable Model is…

November 19, 2009

Ah, yes. We are down to the final two. Laura the girl who castrates bulls vs. Nicole the awkward but stunning redhead. This is the crux of everything we’ve been working up to this entire cycle. I even hear the eliminated contestants will be putting in an appearance, granted, this furthers my belief about the cost-cutting measures of cycle 13. Shorter models. Living in Los Angeles over NYC. Domestic travel. Increased use of Nigel Barker as photographer. (Granted, if I had it my way, it would just be The Next Time TopIdol is on Nigel Barker Show and we would be, like on Cycle 13,352.)

Kentucky Laura just plays up the small-town southern girl thing way too much, although their entire scene of OMG LOOK AT US NOW in the limo during their return to Maui’s Midget Model Manse was so ridiculously scripted. While Kentucky Laura Kirkpatrick does take gorgeous photos on occasion, Nicole Fox is absolutely striking and gorgeous in a unique and contemporary way. The judges raved over Laura’s similarities to Rachel Hunter last week. Truth be told, I’ve never been a fan of Rachel Hunter.

For some reason, Jay Manuel does not look like a douchebag in this greener-than-green peacoat with the turned-up collar. However, he does bring to mind a gay designer version of Sesame Street’s Count von Count.

Because this is the final episode, we are going to have to endure the big Cover Girl Commercial shoot. We area also forced to see Cycle 12 winner, Teyona, once again. For the life of me, I cannot remember anything about Teyona or last season. I have a really good memory. I am chalking this up to all the Percocet I took from the end of January through February. This is the last time we will probably see Teyona. And she basically just here to tell us about Cover Girl Lash Blast. I imagine she will pop up on an upcoming Top Model in Action.

OMG. Look who is shooting today’s commercial! NIGEL BARKER! (Again, I am not complaining. But I know this is due to the recession. Or the fact the majority of the fashion industry thinks this show is pathetic.)

I wish I had a cocktail right now, but then I wouldn’t be able to blog because I would be taking a sip every time Laura says dyslexia. And no, I am not making fun of dyslexia. I just don’t want this girl’s bull-deballing, small-town, mixing-up-letters sob story to take front and center stage.

When dyslexic people are frustrated, it just makes it worse.

Ok, Kentucky Laura. Ty-Ty would tell you to work through this shit. And it really doesn’t matter because Mr. Jay thinks she was all energetic and everything.

I feel like I have defeated dyslexia and showed dyslexic people it’s hard work but it can be done.

Me thinks someone wants to be a spokeswoman for dyslexia, but I doubt she is going to get into the New York Times, a la the BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME HEATHER KUZMICH.

When Nigel is shooting Kentucky Laura, he asks her to think of emotions. She thinks of little kitty cats and milk shakes. Uh…meanwhile, Nicole is shooting her commercial and Mr. Jay thinks she sounds all snotty. Low performance level. Little unlikable. NOOOOOOOO. Hush now. I love Nicole. Don’t get me wrong, I have no serious problem with Laura, but I’m gunning for Nicole to win. Now if Erin Wagner had made it into the final 2, I might have already thrown something at the television.

When it comes down to it, I sort of like the combination of Nicole and Laura. Awkward vs. bumpkin. Then Ann Shoket arrives at the Maul Midget Model Manse with Gilles Bensimon. I sort of feel bad for Bensimon since his ex-wife is on one of those Real Housewife shows, but then again, he probably does not care since he is a famous fashion photographer. Even with an AARP subscription and Bernie Madoff-esque bald spot, you know he still gets a lot of hot model tail.

Ann Shoket kind of seems like some disciple of Bonnie Fuller. She just doesn’t seem like someone you could trust, a poor man’s Anna Wintour, perhaps. And while off-topic, every time I see a commercial for The Blind Spot, I cringe when Sandra Bullock talks and I catch a glimpse of her bleached blond wig/dye job. Eeek. Sorry, Bullock, but my choice for holiday athletic pursuits and racial issues event movie is totally Invictus, because there is no way in hell that will ever blow. HOLY HELL. The CW is doing a reality show on stewardesses. I mean flight attendants. NOOOOOOO.

Back at the Maul Midget Model Manse, the gals are practicing their walks. Truth be told, I’ve never seen an ANTM finalist screw up a runway walk beyond repair in the grand finale. And we all know what will happen now…

DING DONG THE WITCH IS HERE THE WITCH IS HERE THE WITCH IS HERE


This is the part of the show when Ty-Ty talks all deep and stuff with the girls one-on-one. It also gives her a chance to say stomp to the death. Nicole talks about her awkwardness. Laura talks about her smalltownness and Grammy the seamstress. Laura breaks down and talks about Grammy and talks about being dyslexic. Tears. Breaking down. Laura must know this is what Ty-Ty LOVESSSSSS. I am also wondering about the ages of Laura’s siblings and if they’re huge deadbeats, because she keeps talking about how she has to support them.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO. WHY WHY WHY.

Ok. Well it’s not ALL the girls, but Sundai Forehead, Brittany Math, The Gelfling and Jennifer will also be in the fashion show. It’s the first time they’ve EVER brought eliminated girls back (cost cutting!). Obviously, The Gelfling and Jennifer never left Hawaii. Eddie Murphy’s daughter, Bria Murphy, is also there, as is Teyona, naturally. Now we know why Eddie Murphy will be there. All the girls want Laura to win, except Brittany. The only one who says it should have been them is the Gelfling Twat. All of them have bathed in glitter. I am also going to use this time to mention the fact Brittany should have stayed when it was between her and the Gelfling and their blackface photos.

Miss. J., have I told you lately that I love you?

I so bet Eddie Murphy tried to tap that, but Mr. J. rebuffed him, telling Mr. Murphy I will not party all the time with the likes of you.

Some observations…

Teyona cannot walk for shit. Nicole is sort of stomping down the runway with manly anger. Or maybe it’s the angle, because Laura looks sort of odd, too. Actually, I haven’t seen one proper “stomp” since this damn thing started.

Once they stick the girls in translucent scarves, things seem to get better, although I think Nicole is trying to fly.

Miss. J. obviously wants Nicole to win. Tyra looks displeased. Another reason I love Mr. J. Granted, Tyra also had more of a WTF look on her face when Laura was up there.

The other girls are show. The Gelfling is trying so hard. She honestly believes they will say, oh, we screwed up. We want you instead. And Teyona, oh Teyona. I still can’t remember a damn thing about you. I hope you have a backup career.

Mr. Jay is all like, Calgon take me the frak away from this shit.


Once Mr. Jay says something about a water scene, do I realize this show is all about the four elements. I think. Maybe I wasn’t paying close enough attention before. Ah yes. It even says Element: Water on the screen.

Laura almost looks like a real-life model here.

All the wet girls clamor for the spotlight at the end. Tyra goes to congratulate them. ZOMG. She even allows them to give her a WET HUG. Laura now looks a little crazy.

Did you like the wind? I loved the wind.

ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-ME!! Tyra is so faking this shit. I am so not buying her kind Ty-Ty act. I think Ty-Ty has good intentions, I really do, but it’s Ty-Ty. Ok. I’ll be positive. Tonight’s episode is the best she’s looked all season. I really, really, really want Nicole to win, now partly because she was forced to wear some hideously-fringed saloon number Mary Murphy has probably already requested via her stylist. This shit is just wrong. It does not look good on Nicole. It does not look good on anyone, even a tiny Japanese girl or a figure skater doing an exhibition skate after winning the Olympic gold medal the night before. Hell, Oksana Baiul would not even wear that sheer ‘n’ satin pink mess with a BAC of 2.6.

To quote my mother:

I wouldn’t wear that to a dog fight.

(And yes, we are animal lovers, so don’t get any ideas. It is just an old adage. For chrissake, my mother buys food for “her” raccoons every time she goes to Dierberg’s. She names the raccoons. Those bastards eat better than I do whenever I go home.)

Sadly, Miss J. Alexander is rumored to no longer be on the judge’s panel next season. I think he had enough of Ty-Ty. I mean, do you really think the sleeves were for the sole purpose of “growing” every time another girl was sent packing? He used to remove articles of clothing, or patches, butterflies, what have you. Oh no. The sleeves were so he could sit at panel each and every week and cut that much more of Tyra out of his peripheral vision. THE MAN IS A GENIUS, I TELL YOU. A GENIUS.

Tyra tells Laura she looked like she’s been walking Paris Fashion Week for two seasons. They tell Nicole she has a signature walk and if she’s comfortable with it, then go for it. Groan. Laura + 1

Photo #1 — Baby photos redux. Tie

Photo #2 — Nicole +1

Photo #3 — Tyra ME ME ME ME scarf shoot. Nicole +1…or tie

Photo #4 — Cirque du Soleil. Laura +1

Photo #5 — Underwater. Nicole +1 (maybe an extra +1 for being COUTURE)

Cover Girl Commercial — Nicole wrinkled her nose oddly at the end, but the combined effort was edited nicely. I don’t think I could listen to Kentucky Laura’s voice for extended periods of time. Individually, Tyra says DYSLEXIA WHAT? She gives Laura points. Nigel says he couldn’t understand some of what she said. Tyra likes Nicole’s voice, but says she wasn’t modeling. It’s basically an excuse for Ty-Ty to show us all how to MODEL…I MEAN SMIZE.

Cover Girl Photos — They like Laura because she is all bubbly and shit. Nicole is relaxed and comfortable, chill but focused. Oh, Tyra. What a way with words. Of course, Nigel sums it up better. He tells them they’ve shown everyone how irrelevant how tall they are. Nigel says everything better because there is NOTHING Nigel can’t say of do.

Teyona finally gets her day in the sun, I mean Top Models in Action. I still do not remember Teyona. A few glimpses more of recognition, but I’m still drawing a substantial blank on anything from last cycle. I think they are all blending together. Were they in Amsterdam? Or Italy? And who was the girl who came in second? She has supposedly been modeling in South Africa.

The judges deliberate about body issues. America’s Next Top Model is the Nigel Show. If he jumps ship next and Miss J. is really going to only appear for runway lessons, I just don’t know if I could continue watching. And I think Miss J. is just, oh I love him. Like this quote from the aforementioned MTV article:

“Look at me at panel,” he said of “America’s Next Top Model.” “I look crazy, don’t I? That’s how I keep it fresh. I mean, I’m battling Nigel [Barker]’s good looks. Jay Manuel’s prettiness, cause he’s so pretty. And Tyra Bank’s is just drag. She’s just larger, larger than life. So I’m just competing with myself, basically.”

Love you, Nigel. Love you, Miss J. Now back to the show…the judges basically love Laura, but hello? They admit Nicole is high fashion. They say they have their first petite [cycle] winner (Ahem, what about 5’6-7″ Eva Pigford from Cycle 3?)

OMG. I am mildly shocked. Tricky editing and soundbites made me sure it was gonna be Kentucky Laura, but justice (ahem, Nigel and Miss J. Alexander) prevailed! Naturally, Laura has a case of the saddy-sads right now because she has no idea how she will support those freeloading siblings back on the farm in KY. (I kid, I kid. Hey, I liked Laura. She was like sunshine and kitten videos on YouTube and milk shakes and sweet potato parades and probably the girl every bull wants to have to the castrating.)

While Laura sobs, Nicole is stunned. Or possibly a bit frightened as she knows this can only mean Tyra might eat her.

Tyra consoles Laura and does the whole standard but-you’re-a-model-now speech. She walks off. Tyra then tells Nicole how special she is and that they’re going to get to do a photo shoot with Nigel RIGHT NOW. Jesus christ. My dream. In all the cycles of ANTM I’ve sat through, Nicole may be my favorite winner based on the whole winning moment alone. Or I’ve just forgotten all the others, but I love Nicole, even though that dress Dolly Parton wouldn’t have worn that shit in 1982. (Tyra, btw, needs to quit the baggy pants which accent the hips & booty. We get it. She can eat real food now. She might want to project a positive body image, yes, but that shit just doesn’t look good on anyone.)

I love Nicole Fox. Do me proud. I want to see you on more than that one cover of Seventeen. I’m pulling for you. Especially because you had to do the spontaneous post-panel shoot in that terrible dress while battling a smizing Tyra and a wind machine.

Tyra thinks she’s representing for the shorties everywhere, but I think I think it’s the year of the spunky redhead.

Who doesn’t like a redhead with pluck, spunk and determination?

Hey, I miss Mad Men. Don’t you? And we should always ask ourselves, What Would Joan Do?

For starters, homegirl doesn’t need to smize. She’s Joan Holloway.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Susan permalink
    December 6, 2009 5:46 pm

    This was some of the funniest stuff I have ever read!!! My thoughts EXACTLY!!

  2. Wino permalink
    November 19, 2009 5:42 pm

    For starters, homegirl doesn’t need to smize. She’s Joan Holloway.

    AMEN!

  3. on the edge permalink
    November 19, 2009 10:58 am

    Oh, I just noticed this:

    “HOLY HELL. The CW is doing a reality show on stewardesses. I mean flight attendants. NOOOOOOO.”

    Is it by any chance called “Fly Girls?” Because I have a friend that’s going to be an editor on that show…she just finished an editing run on the latest “Girls Next Door” season.

    • TopIdol permalink
      November 19, 2009 11:46 am

      I bet your friend knows my friend. Is she based out of L.A.? One of my oldest friends has been a producer on all sorts of those shows. There seems to be an unofficial circle of people who freelance on cable reality shows for the various independent production companies which do all of them.

  4. on the edge permalink
    November 19, 2009 12:49 am

    Aw, come on, give “The Blind Side” one little old chance. I know some of the real-life counterparts and it’s not nearly as paternalistic as the trailers make it out to be (plus have you seen the real-life Leigh Anne Tuohy? SHE REALLY LOOKS LIKE THAT.). I just wish the reviewers wouldn’t compare it to “Precious” so much.

    • TopIdol permalink
      November 19, 2009 1:02 am

      The reviewers used on the ads are basically known “sockpuppet critics”, per se. There was one guy who worked for years, always going to junkets for something called “Wireless Magazine”. Never existed. He would always get his name up there. He was the go-to for a quote.

      Somewhere, there is my name with a quote from my review of The Diving Bell and The Butterfly. It was used in advertising somewhere around the country. Wish I could have found it in a paper or something. But that was a GREAT movie, so when they asked for the quote, I said yes.

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