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I (kind of) suffered through Carrie Underwood’s All-Star Holiday Special

December 7, 2009

I have no idea why Carrie Underwood is hosting an All-Star Holiday Special. My Roomba has more of a personality than Carrie Underwood. The country chanteuse has resorted to hiring Adam Lambert’s backup dancers/rentboys, wearing black pleather and doing her whole opening number a la goddamned emo vampire.

I’m only catching a few minutes of this to satisfy my evening’s need for Idol-related blogging, and since David Cook is going to show up, hey, it’s two former Idol contestants for the price of one–plus I’m sure Holly Sockpuppets is already rumor-mongering a relationship between the classy Underwood and chicks man Cook.

OK. This show was so not funny until RIGHT NOW!!! YESSSSSSSS!!!! Walking VD Constantine Maroulis is the consummate Idol joke.

Carrie Underwood isn’t funny, but that was. And while I always like seeing Bo Bice (Hey, I liked the guy. That was the first season I watched. I would totally go drink beer with Bo Bice.)…this is clearly a pathetic vehicle for Underwood to launch a tepid film career? Right now, I would much rather be re-watching the greatest televised social experiment since Manor HouseJERSEY SHORE!!! (And hello, Kris Allen fans in the area, you couldn’t have hooked me up with a ticket for that Jingle Hell shit in Worcester tonight? I would have told you all the story about how my father VHS-ed Barenaked In America almost a decade ago because he thought it was about nude chicks and not a Canadian band called the Barenaked Ladies.)

David Cook performs Lie. It sounds vaguely familiar. Honestly, I kind of like Cook. I’m not into his squinting-while-singing but I like the guy. He doesn’t deserve people like Holly Sockpuppets calling themselves “fans”. And if he’s going bald, so what. The real test of a man is whether or not they can pull off being bald, so I guess we’ll have to see…if he does go bald.

No offense, Cook, but the show peaked with the Walking VD Constantine Maroulis Voodoo Doll. Priceless! AND JESUS CHRIST! Why have I spent over 10 seconds staring at Carrie Underwood’s dog’s penis??? Don’t even tell me I’m a sicko. It’s RIGHT THERE. YOU COULD NOT MISS IT EVEN IF YOU WERE SCOTT MACINTYRE!!!

Whatevia. The dog penis isn’t pretty, but I would still rather look at it than Greasy Constantine!

Photo: Malista.com

OMG. This show is excruciating. Barbara Mandell and Dolly Parton could do this shit so much better while sleeping. Who wrote this crap? And the editing is terrible! I thought Underwood was supposed to duet after the commercial break, yet all I saw was her dog’s penis. Oh, ok. THIS must have been the problem. How did they make two hours of this tripe? Carrie Underwood’s older sister, Stephanie, is also dull. Their entire schtick about Carrie being a naive country girl in Hollywood with no gaydar or uh, Johnny Depp-dar, is lame and tired–as well as the “I found the perfect guy for my sister song-&-dance”. By the time Kristen Chenowith (EAT A SANDWICH) and Christina Applegate show up, the only thing I can think is how thankful I am neither one of them are Kristen Wiig. I am just biding my time for Dolly, even if Christina Applegate is kinda cool. DOLLY DOLLY DOLLY!!! Kristen Chenowith–eat a muthafraking sandwich. You have Posh Head!

Fast forward…fast forward…

Brad Paisley. Can’t stand his wife, that Father of the Bride chick, but since I haven’t seen her in a movie since then, and I don’t listen to Brad Paisley, I really have no reason to find her annoying. Brad Paisley gets props from me for being kind of hot and openly discussing his deep, abiding love for Battlestar Galactica. For some reason, I had no idea he did real honky tonk stuff–does he? Looks wise , he seems like he would have been a more appropriate duet buddy for Kris Allen on the Season 8 Finale. In any case, this Then song…I’ve totally heard it! Yeah, I think they play it at the Summer Shack at Alewife, swear to flying spaghetti monster.

I can’t get over how stupid this is, I mean, Carrie Underwood is marginally better than she was when on Idol in 2005, but she’s still so damn boring. The same things I couldn’t stand about her then are clearly apparent, even if I am able to say a couple of her songs aren’t THAT terrible, granted, most of these new ones all sound exactly the same. Frankly, I’ve just never understood the allure behind this one, but I’ve never been one for those fresh-faced and fresh-voiced types. And we all know about my admitted hatred of pale girls with bleached-blond hair.

Oh, honey. You are not, nor will you ever will be DOLLY FRAKING PARTON. No one is Dolly Parton but Dolly Parton. And Dolly Parton is one of the greats, an American institution, and she’s got more personality and moxy in her acrylic fingernail than Carrie Underwood (or anyone, for that matter) will ever hope to have.

Dolly sings I Will Always Love You with Carrie. I am so sick of that damn song, even if I love me some Dolly Parton. The holiday music doesn’t come until the last 15 minutes, oh jesus christ, it kicks off with that song where you take the wheel. NOOOOOOOO.

Ok. I’m done with this shit. I have to go tend to Oskar, whom I’ve turned into an addict in only the last 24 hours. You see, I bought him a catnip mustache from Maisonwares. They were two for $5 at the Bazaar Bizarre at Cyclorama yesterday (the second one is hidden in a smell-proof drawer). I gave him one when I got home. He can’t stop making love to it. It’s hilarious, yes, but what have I done to him? My mother told me I was like “one of those hoosiers who rolls cigarettes for their children.”

Shut up, Mom. I know I’m living with an addict. We’re gonna get through this, I know we will. It’s just for recreation, yeah, recreation. Oskar’s not hooked on the bad shit. Oskar is not a niphead. It’s not like he’s Tiger Woods and that catnip mustache is a VIP party hostess or anything.

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48 Comments leave one →
  1. Starr permalink
    December 12, 2009 7:26 am

    Oh God I suffered through this special as well. I was never a fan of Underwood to begin with, but this only reinforced my already low opinion of her. The jokes were cheesy and stupid; the skits with her mom and sister were insipid; her performances were beauty pageant-worthy…Oh, man. She just comes off as fake and full of herself. I get that she’s a Grammy winner, but really, if you act like you think you’re hot stuff, that’s not exactly gonna woo people.

  2. Just wondering permalink
    December 9, 2009 7:01 pm

    I laughed out loud when I saw the commercials, especially when they implied Carrie might try to tell a joke.

    But I couldn’t bring myself to watch this train wreck. I knew that nothing on the show could be as funny as the shock of seeing that commercial for the first time and realizing how many idiots had to sign off on this to make it happen.

    It makes me wonder what is going on at 19/Sony/whatever.

    Some companies pride themselves on hiring only the best and brightest. Does 19 have a “bad ideas” department where they hire only the worst and dullest?

  3. deez permalink
    December 9, 2009 10:56 am

    Yesterday, Kris sang at a radio station thing in Connecticut. He said he couldn’t see the audience (shortness) so he decided to sing standing on top the provided stool, 🙂 .(mic be damned) Supposedly, after doing a couple songs in this manner, they made him climb down. (probably insurance rather than personal concern, lol) Anyway, here’s AWM:

  4. erinnthered permalink
    December 9, 2009 12:12 am

    Also…Kris open for BNL at a Mass xmas bash? Now that really hurts to have missed. Even without Steven. 😦

  5. Verbally Dyslexic permalink
    December 9, 2009 12:11 am

    I only watched the David Cook clip, and as usual, he sings his face off. Lie is a pretty song, but I’m still hoping for something darker and edgier for his next album. And the hair. It’s not going to be easy for him to go bald gracefully, what with the abnormally-sized cranium.

    Voodoo Constantine? LMAO! Did they stick a pin into VD Constantine’s naughty bits? Or just soak it in some industrial strength lye? In the spirit of Christmas, I think it’s only right to spread goodwill to humankind that way.

  6. erinnthered permalink
    December 8, 2009 11:57 pm

    I don’t care how much I love Dolly, and my Dolly love knows no bounds, or how much I’ve begun to love Kristen Chenowith, nothing could have made me sit through a Carrie Christmas Special. Now, Kellie Pickler? I’d have been right there with the popcorn.

    You are a very brave woman.

    And yes, a Parton/ Chenowith duet would have made my month!

    The Constantine doll does look awesome, though. She really had that?

  7. nonna-muss permalink
    December 8, 2009 9:52 pm

    Oskar is such an adorable stoner. Most junkies don’t look that good. Has he had the munchies?

    As far as the show. Lame. My 9 year old son thought it was hilarious if that’s any indication as to the level of humor. He was a little confused by the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guy. He said “mom, is he what’s called a tomboy?” Ha.

    I watched for Cook and thought he did well. Too bad he didn’t do the acappella part the way he does in concert. It’s more powerful I think.

  8. December 8, 2009 7:38 pm

    Oh and that voodoo doll?
    Amazing.

    • TopIdol permalink
      December 8, 2009 9:23 pm

      SHE’S ALIVEEEEEEE!!!

  9. December 8, 2009 7:37 pm

    David Cook is awesome.
    I really like “Lie” and think it was awesome that he decided to do it solo with guitar. I mean I only watched that clip up there seeing as I have no access to a real television and cheesy specials such as this but yeah. I do own Cook’s CD and like it. A lot.

  10. Trish permalink
    December 8, 2009 6:02 pm

    Chenoweth is a goddess, and she suffers from horrible migraines, so I forgive her for being too skinny. I think she spends a lot of her life with her head in a toilet puking (from the migraines).

    I get so sick of hearing how Adam Lambert is the BESTEST!1!1 singer EVUH. He doesn’t hold a candle to Ms. Chenoweth: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBJn4BHtqqY

    She was Galinda in Wicked ON BROADWAY. Take that, Lambert!

    Also, she is Aaron Sorkin’s old girlfriend and was the prototype for the Sarah Paulson (“Harriett Hayes”) character on the shortlived Studio 60 (to Matthew Perry’s “Matt Albie” character). She was also Leo’s assistant on The West Wing. LOVE her.

    (Oh, and Cook was awesome. So glad he didn’t do anything but sing, though, because that show was kinda bad. Still it was nice of Carrie to invite him to perform.)

    • TopIdol permalink
      December 8, 2009 9:35 pm

      I would have preferred to hear Ms. Chenoweth duet with Dolly, wouldn’t you?

      • Trish permalink
        December 9, 2009 2:17 pm

        Oh, definitely, but how cool is it that Dolly Herself wants KC to play her on Broadway?

    • Verbally Dyslexic permalink
      December 9, 2009 12:34 am

      Also awesome, Taylor the Latter Boy.

      • Verbally Dyslexic permalink
        December 9, 2009 12:37 am

        *Latte.

      • Trish permalink
        December 9, 2009 2:22 pm

        OMG, and Craig Ferguson too. Doesn’t get any better than that!

    • kimberly permalink
      December 9, 2009 10:20 pm

      thanks for the KC info. haven’t seen wicked, though my mom and her friends did the bus trip to NYC to see it. she loved it. i had bought my husband the books, but i didn’t have an interest. also, didn’t watch too much tv, and yes, i know west wing was huge, but i only remember martin sheen, rob lowe, tim matheson, christine lahti , and i think jimmy smits. (love jimmy). oh, and the guy married to Malcolm in the Middle’s mom. kristin is adorable and talented. it was sweet to see carrie with kristin and christina, who i believe i read, were her actual friends.

  11. lee permalink
    December 8, 2009 3:37 pm

    I knew last night why the duet was cut-still disappointed. Maybe it’ll see the light of day in the future. Until then a missed opportunity to see something new.

  12. mustang permalink
    December 8, 2009 3:33 pm

    Cook and Underwood did sing a duet to Van Halen’s Why Can’t This Be Love, but rights didn’t get cleared to air it.

  13. lee permalink
    December 8, 2009 2:20 pm

    Watched because of Cook. Thoroughly enjoyed Lie-disappointed no duet. The skits were lame-seemed alittle mean spirited and not her image which I guess they want to change. Too long and disappointing. Shame-I was looking forward to it.

  14. AIFan permalink
    December 8, 2009 12:52 pm

    If Oskar ends up on Celebrity Rehab, we’ll know who to blame 🙂

  15. kimberly permalink
    December 8, 2009 12:38 pm

    I had forgotten about the show, tuning in a half hour late. I sat through its entirety waiting for Cook. I DVRd the damn thing, but immediately deleted by the end when Cook was a no show. I did track his performance down on Youtube.

    I tuned in during the dog skit. The first words out of my mouth were: “What the hell’s this?” I think I sat through most of the skits with my mouth opened, stunned. Every so often, I’d turn to my daughter and say, “this is bad. Oh, man, this is bad.”

    Vocally, I don’t think Carrie was as spot-on as I’ve heard her. Her vocals didn’t mesh well with Dolly. I’m glad Carrie toned it down, allowing Dolly’s vocals to shine. I thought Carrie and her girl friends were cute. Christina Applegate is adorable, but I kept thinking about her mastectomy, remembering her saying how hard it is to carry her purse on he shoulder now. An image I just can’t seem to shake when I see her. It’s something you wouldn’t even think about as a being a problem. The inane little things, I guess.

    That Kristin C. person is funny. I know the girl is from Glee (right?), but everyone on MJs blog seems to know her from somewhere. Was she on Idol? Why should I know this girl and what’s the big deal about her?

    My initial reaction to the last song Carrie sang was a big fat YUCK, but then the chorus saved it a little. The lyrics were just awful. My daughter gets uptight when I make any criticism at all about anyone. She’s such a kind soul, makes me feel like a big meany. She’s no fun at all. lol

    So I missed Bo, Constantine and David C. It should have been an hour show at the most. A Underwood-Cook duet would have made the special a 100% better.

    Stoner cat — priceless.

    • AIFan permalink
      December 8, 2009 12:55 pm

      Kristin Chenoweth is a big Broadway star, but also had a bunch of TV roles, so she is pretty famous.

      • TopIdol permalink
        December 8, 2009 1:03 pm

        Yeah, I’ve heard of her for years. But she still needs to eat a cheeseburger.

        • tinawina permalink
          December 8, 2009 1:55 pm

          Yeah really. And she didn’t always used to be a lollipop head, so it kinda pisses me off.

          Chenoweth is awesome, though.

  16. deez permalink
    December 8, 2009 12:17 pm

    I have to know, how is Oskar today? Any after-effects, or is he still sleeping it off?

    • TopIdol permalink
      December 8, 2009 1:09 pm

      I think he’s doing okay. I moved the stache to a kitchen chair. I want to see if he seeks it out beyond the floor. His little eyes are red and I’m not sure if its his recurring-from-alleged-stress-pink-eye (i.e., sometimes happens when I go out of town, or just because he’s been hitting the nip too hard. This morning, I told him that I still loved him even if he was a little addict, and that I wanted him to rest today.

  17. yuppie permalink
    December 8, 2009 10:58 am

    All I got to say about this post is that Oskar is so frakking cute! It’s almost making me want to get a cat again. Alas, I am too fond of not having cat hair on all my clothes and furniture still.

    Speaking of Xmas songs, MJ’s video of Kris singing The Christmas Song (all bluesy and shit) from last night!

    http://www.youtube.com/user/Annave47#p/u/1/qYk89R_4cbY

    • deez permalink
      December 8, 2009 12:14 pm

      Ooooh, Thanks for that link…all those vids are great. His stage presence has really improved. He was pretty funny with the crowd…can’t believe that’s the same guy that Simon accused of having no personality. Generally, when I hear someone live, they’re never as good as their recorded material. For some reason, I think the opposite of Kris…he sounds much better live. I think if he had been this engaging on the show, people wouldn’t have been bitching about the win.

  18. deez permalink
    December 8, 2009 2:09 am

    Here’s something for the Holidays … (cuteness and puppies, a Constantine antidote, whatever…I found a way to slip it in here):

    • December 8, 2009 3:35 am

      Nah, a bit scanty on guy-on-guy action to satisfy my current tastes, barely even a sly, longing glance! But that was cute as a button in every other way and after the drudgery of xmas shopping and cursing the wrapping still to do, that has restored a little festive fuzzy warmth to my heart. That said, Oskar OD-ing on catnip is cuter still.

    • auntieaimee permalink
      December 8, 2009 7:52 am

      Sweet. Thanks. After that Cook tune, I was about ready to kill myself. That was some depressing shit.

    • Verbally Dyslexic permalink
      December 9, 2009 12:31 am

      This was a really good chilled-out rendition. I’m just glad that HBD just keeps his head down and hones his live performance skills with all these gigs.

      Although a controversial rumour or two wouldn’t hurt… js.

  19. StopHurtsEars permalink
    December 8, 2009 1:17 am

    Painful I say. Not like screechy painful, but still painful. For an All-Star Special, there were not that many stars. It was basically a 2 hour Carrie Underwood album commercial. Those 19Alphabet peeps are pretty sneaky. Or not so sneaky.

    I have always found baldy strangely attractive. He is balding so there is that and his head is ginormous. But …ehhh it just works. He has really pretty eyes. But ya know, there is no accounting for taste. He seems like a chill dude. Just keepin his head down and workin hard. These days, I don’t know how successful you can be just doing that, without all the celebrity junk. But I wish him well.

    This song seems to showcase his voice, unlike that crappy song he sang on idol. And I like his voice.

  20. deez permalink
    December 8, 2009 1:13 am

    LOL. Wasn’t sure how long it would take me to stop laughing at Oskar. (finally!! poor guy!)

    I agree, that was PAINFUL. Carrie looked pretty, she sang a couple of songs that I like….but DEAR GOD, whose idea was this? VooDoo (VD) Constantine was the only lol moment…I had to change channels after her mom tried singing.

    • TopIdol permalink
      December 8, 2009 1:19 am

      Crap. I thought he had come down. He went and napped a bit, then curled up by my feet. Oh no, now he’s back on his stache.

      Image and video hosting by TinyPic

      • deez permalink
        December 8, 2009 1:26 am

        *Note to self*…. buy Porky (my cat) catnip mustache. (She’s strange enough to begin with, so I imagine that hilarity will ensue)

  21. Isidra permalink
    December 8, 2009 1:06 am

    Anything that mocks Constantine is ok in my book!

  22. blacklisted permalink
    December 8, 2009 12:32 am

    “Their entire schtick about Carrie being a naive country girl in Hollywood with no gaydar”

    I thought discovering her gaydar was the reason she broke up with Chace Crawford.

  23. dukie permalink
    December 7, 2009 11:59 pm

    I thought the show was horribly lame but Baldy’s performance was good. Now I can’t believe I wasted two hours watching that, but at least I got the tree decorated while it was on.

  24. Brett permalink
    December 7, 2009 11:54 pm

    Yeah I thought Cook’s song and the Constantine doll with his face all stretched and pins sticking out of his body were the best things about the show tonight. Cook’s voice sounded really good. I also liked that they showed Connie’s “shock boot” in its entirety – the look on his face was almost as hilarious as Daughtry and Michael Johns when they got shafted by America. HAHAHAHAAHA. Carrie’s hot but she’s blander than potato flakes.

  25. misha permalink
    December 7, 2009 11:47 pm

    From that clip you had of DC singing……that’s one incredible performance…..and apparently they cut the duet that he and Carrie did together, which might have gone a bit further in making it a better show.

    • TopIdol permalink
      December 7, 2009 11:53 pm

      And the editing of them cutting it was TERRIBLE. It was so obvious.

      Cook did well. But come on! What could compare to the Greasy Constantine Voodoo Doll??

      • Mithra permalink
        December 8, 2009 12:35 am

        Is there video of the Constantcrap voodoo doll? I forgot to watch this. I was planning on tuning in for Dolly, glad I didn’t and thank Baby Jestro for youtube.

  26. Lauren permalink
    December 7, 2009 11:34 pm

    I actually like Carrie Underwood despite the fact that she’s pale and bleach blonde. It’s not her fault her skin and hair were born without pigment. 😛
    Didn’t see the show though so she could have been bad as you said she was.
    Also, your cat is adorable. I want to steal him. He would make the cutest dog and cat sniffing nose to nose photo with my dog!

    • TopIdol permalink
      December 7, 2009 11:35 pm

      She can actually tan (as shown on the holiday special), although no one can tan like a GUIDETTE!

      The show was just boring and stupid. Not very entertaining. Except for the Walking VD Constantine Maroulis Voodoo Doll. That was EXCELLENT.

  27. on the edge permalink
    December 7, 2009 11:29 pm

    BEST recap ever (well, except I probably liked David’s song a little more than most). No one else could compare. And Oskar is a doll…a little tweaking addict DOLL.

  28. Smartie permalink
    December 7, 2009 11:27 pm

    Bless you for the screencap. I love that Butt Chin is the butt of all jokes on Idol 😆

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