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Jersey Shore: It’s All About THE SNOOKUATION

December 11, 2009

I am stealing part of JWOWW’s official website and using it on my resume.

Jenni’s not only MTV’s newest bitch but she also has a Clothing Line, Graphic Design Company and Long Island’s top Promotional Company as well as an Insane Liquid formula that will gaurantee weight loss…

That is pretty much my dream in life, all of the above.

On tonight’s episode, my sensitive side gets all empathetic to The Situation, who has lost Sammi Sweetheart to Ronnie and his titanic pectorals. I’m always for the underdog. How can she not love The Situation? Everyone loves The Situation. Not that I don’t adore Ronnie (aka the love child of David Borneaez and Jerry “Turtle” Ferrera as conceived in a cannoli), but he ain’t The Situation. I think Sweetheart is a big ol’ rooster tease.

Meanwhile, Snooki eats pickles.

So JWOWW made out with Pauly D and her boyfriend is coming to visit. Somehow, I don’t understand why she’s so worried, considering she made out with a dude for MTV cameras and in her intro package, announced all bets were off and how she bit dude’s heads off after sex. Two of Jolie’s friends also show up. They have big breasts. Jolie’s boyfriend, judging by two phone conversations, is a complete prick. She really needs to kick his as to the curb.

Tonight is gonna be a classy night at Headliners, a pay-per-view event of sorts. Angelina’s prick boyfriend texts her that he’s not coming, and some guy named Mike who is clearly Snooki’s ramen noodle sex show up. And Angelina then dumps her pricked boyfriend, who is also going through a divorce…Uh…really. So you don’t want to be on MTV? Why do women put themselves through that shit even when they have all heard the stories, all of which are true? That shit. Never ends well. And I bet Angelina is the gal who leaves us tonight…

The Situation thinks Angelina is a drama queen. JWOWW’s boyfriend Tommy is going to dump her ass if he finds out she even looked longingly at another guy. Of course, she denied kissing Pauly D at first, which is kind of weird, because I totally remember her checking out his pierced penis in the last episode.

Jersey Shore is the greatest reality TV show ever made!

Is it just me, but does anyone else love Vinny? I’ve loved Vinny since his intro. He might just be the heart of the Shore. Hell, the poor guy got pink eye after grinding with a fat chick and now he’s gotta go to work without Angelina. You see, Angelina just didn’t feel like going into work today, and she didn’t feel like explaining herself. And she didn’t feel like explaining herself to Tony, because he’s not the owner, Danny. It’s all very dramatic, but I know I am so going Seaside Heights next summer. And I’m going to go to this famous t-shirt store and buy myself the Croatia t-shirt.

Angelina / Jolie’s appeal is wearing thin. You totally know this guidette is on her way out.

Honestly, like, when you’re sick, honestly…like when you’re sick…

Yeah. She really needs better excuses. And then she pulls out the boyfriend line in an effort to help her cause, which obviously does the opposite. So she storms off and says she’s done. Skinny Danny Douchebag Jeans pedals over to the Chez Guido to bitch Angelina out while the others just lie there, tanned and lethargic. (Why aren’t they lying out on the beach? GUIDOS LOVE TO TAN!!! I don’t get it, do they only lie in tanning beds in order to prevent lines? But by not going to the beach, the miss a prime opportunity to show off their guido bodies. I am perplexed.)

Angelina is leaving and no one cares. Pauly D thinks she’s stupid for leaving the Jersey Shore in the summertime. This is just like being at Burning Man and having some bastard in your camp leave early because they can’t hack it. You’re all like, yeah, well, good luck to you, it was really nice to know you, but I think you’re a loser.

You have a gray hair.
— Angelina, saying goodbye to The Situation.

Way to endear yourself to your former guidos and guidettes, Jolie. I hope you find happiness with your not-yet-divorced prick boyfriend. And Angelina packs up her trashbags and says ciao.

The emotional dinner caused JWOWW to call her boyfriend on the duck phone and confess her kissy time with Pauly D. Come on. She could have totally let it slide until the show aired. Pauly D, btw, has proven himself to be a complete bastion of wisdom. The shit he says just makes sense.

Snooki has some fake guidette friend (i.e., she’s totally Irish-American) named Ryder. She appears to be really tall, but it might be because she’s standing next to Snooki, who obviously wants to have sapphic make-out times with her BFF. Because really, that’s the only reason you grind on your girlfriend in an almost-deserted bar.

Sammi and Ronnie are gonna be all cute and play minigolf. And Ronnie thinks The Situation is scorned, but Sammi invites him to come. Of course he doesn’t, but she totally added insult to injury by making sure her birth control pills were in her Coach bag during this conversation.

The Situation tries to act like he doesn’t care and tells her there are two chicks in the hottub who invited him to join them. I assume Pauly D and Vinny are working the t-shirt store. We also learn there is a guest room for sexy times. Ronnie and Sammi claimed it for the night! Good thing she took her pill! Everyone else gets in the hottub. Ryder and Snooki make out.

I had a feeling I wanted to make out with somebody. So I just made out with Ryder because, uh…all the guys like that.

Oh sweetheart. I’m not even gonna go there. You’re young, so uh…christ, at least I appreciate your honesty, even if it does indicate some self-esteem issues. You are young. And for frak’s sake, I wish one of those dingbats on More to Love would have just said that shit, because you know the Big Girls’ UNICEF Luke Conley totally wanted some curvy-woman-on-curvy-woman action during those group dates.

And then Snooki makes out with The Situation.

The Snookuation

(Hey, he did deserve some love. It’s The Situation. He always deserves the love.)

Mike can be a nice guy, like he shows his good side, then he shows off his jerkoff side and that’s what I like. A good guy and a jerkoff. That’s all in the same.

So he just has to be a nice guy AND a jerkoff? Where can I find a guy like that?

The makeout was fun. If one thing leads to another, I’m not gonna tell him to get off.

No, honey. YOU’RE supposed to do that for him.

Meanwhile, Ronni and Sammi are IN LOVE, or at least they’re experiencing the afterglow of their first post-minigolf sexual experience with one another. Meh. They’re now boring. BRING ME SOME MORE SNOOKUATION.

I don’t know what happened to The Snookuation after the hottub, but Pauly D and The Situation cause an incident with The Grill and nearly burn shit down. Pauly D put charcoal in a gas grill. But they get a fire extinguisher and the crisis is averted. And then everyone must forget about eating because its time to get ready to go clubbing at Karma. JWOWW brings her A-game out since she is now single.

I thought the shore house was the best thing to happen to me but, honestly, you are.

Ah, young guido love. Everything is perfect, except when they get off one another. Sammi runs into a cop friend and Ronnie dances with some girl. Sammi sees this shit and then gives Mr. Cop her number. And JWOWW is like, no way. No more drama. And then Ronnie gets pissed and leaves. Trouble in guido paradise. See? This is what happens when you let your significant guido to get up and go to the toilet. OH NO MISUNDERSTANDING! Sammi thinks JWOWW left with Ronnie.

It’s a fist pump cliffhanger, but the Jersey Shore fun ain’t over yet. Stay tuned for the Jersey Shore afterhours! Angelina confronts her former roomies, but everyone is waiting for next week’s episode, when some muthafraking bastard punches out our Snookums. NOT COOL.

(Oh, and next week, I really hope we see more Vinny. Vinny needs more airtime. More Vinny!)

P.S. I totally called my friend, Anders, a Swedo yesterday. Swedos/Swuidos do exist!

11 Comments leave one →
  1. Smartie permalink
    January 16, 2010 7:17 am

    Ok so I just watched some episodes of this show.

    I feel like a fucking genius compared to the morons on this show. Wow.

  2. LeighKat permalink
    December 11, 2009 2:23 pm

    Let us not forget the potentially sad display that will be Fantasia’s reality show… yes, she is going to have a show. I saw the promo on VH-1 and nearly had a cardiac.

    • TopIdol permalink
      December 11, 2009 4:07 pm

      I saw a few minutes of her Lifetime movie the other night, but I only turned it on because I heard DWAYNE WAYNE was in it.

      • LeighKat permalink
        December 11, 2009 6:31 pm

        she had a lifetime movie! oh my.

  3. Swedos&GuidosUnite permalink
    December 11, 2009 12:11 pm

    Euro Stations better pick up on the Swedo Phenomena and exploit that shit ala Jersey Showa.

  4. freedavidcook permalink
    December 11, 2009 11:59 am

    I haven’t watched this show yet but it looks like it has more trainwreck potential than VH1’s upcoming ‘Basement of Love’ with Frankie the Entertainer.

  5. Sherena permalink
    December 11, 2009 5:35 am

    I opened the page to this: “Angelina / Jolie’s appeal is wearing thin. You totally know this guidette is on her way out” with no context and went immediately D:

    And then I realized you weren’t talking about the real Angelina and I was happy again. I still don’t know what’s going on, though.

  6. erinnthered permalink
    December 11, 2009 4:16 am

    Holy crap on a cracker! I saw the pilot last night. I still need to catch up, but…holy crap on a cracker. This show is AMAZING!! How the hell did this even make the air? Not that I’m not really glad it did. heh

  7. LeighKat permalink
    December 11, 2009 1:33 am

    Did you notice that The Situation was making out with a blonde on the dance floor when the Sammie/Ronnie blowup took place?
    This show is soo grimy.

    • TopIdol permalink
      December 11, 2009 1:47 am

      The Situation can make out with anyone he wants. He’s The Situation.


  1. Reunited and it feels so guido: Kris Allen, Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta at the Jingle Ball « Top Idol

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