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ARE YOU READY??? It’s American Idol: Season 9 (Starting in…oh please no, not Boston!)

January 13, 2010

Greetings my fair readers! It’s been so long and I’ve missed you so. No, I did not abandon you, I was just WORKING in Vienna for the past five days. And while I was chained to a laptop, I never had a single moment to come to my “other life”. The one that lives here…on this blog…but I’m back! And since I am STILL not quite finished with REAL WORK, it may be tonight another late night, however…better just do this thing now, shall we?

And if you want to see a bit of what I was doing in Vienna, and check out my new NON-AMERICAN IDOLS, please take a gander ๐Ÿ™‚

As I hear the familiar music and see the all-too familiar scenes from last season (“The country was split??”), I remember that I don’t have any Percocet and I feel like I should take some prescription medication as a sort of black armband for Paula, ya know?

Seacrest tells me I should be prepared to be blown away by this year’s talent. Frankly, I am rarely “blown away” by anything on this show. I see that the weird-girl-in-hippie-dresses-with-the-dog-who-is-in-a-cult tries out again? And that Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi went a bit overboard on the Botox in the off-season.

This No, I’m the Next American Idol stuff is uber-lame.

Okay. The girls who yelled out they loved Kara did so without a hint of irony. I want to hunt them down and smack them around a bit. And then Posh Spice shows up. I know this may sound strange, as she stands for most things I despise, but I actually kind of LIKE Victoria Beckham. She is actually quite humorous

Janet McNamera
Pocket Full of Sunshine

First off, I have these Karaoke Revolution games, and I figured out how to beat them in 2005. And I have a terrible voice, but I can actually get a Gold Record on EXPERT when sing Britney Spears’ Baby One More Time. I also don’t wear shirts where my gut is exposed, but that is neither here nor there. Hey, I’m sure Janet is a very nice person and we already know where this is going…into auditory hell.

Since this is an obvious one, let’s check out Shit-For Brains’ Botox again, shall we? I never thought it would be possible for someone to look like more of a Madam Tussaud’s exhibit when standing next to Ms. Victoria Beckham but Kara has done what was previously thought impossible.

PROPS for Janet for continuing to call Kara Paula. Shit-For-Brains makes me hate her more with the constant I’m not Paula, I’m not Paula. Of course you aren’t, beeyotch. PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE PAULA!!! Go back home and shove another needle of nerve-paralyzing bacteria into your forehead and save us from your constant barrage of drivel.

(BTW, why, in all these years of American Idol, have I never seen anyone I’ve know in the audition rounds? Conventional wisdom would just make one assume…I mean…I can’t be the only one who thinks this, can I?)

Maddy Curtis
Hallelujah

Family footage + down syndrome brother + even more adopted siblings with down syndrome = we already know she goes to Hollywood. But kudos for the 16-year-old, whose voice seems is more classically trained than anything else, to say she is doing a Leonard Cohen song. I can’t hate on Maddy because she has a mature presence for a teenager, has probably never been in a pageant, said she was doing a Leonard Cohen song and oh, because you are not allowed to hate on anyone who is devoted to bettering the lives of developmentally-challenged individuals. I can, however, continue to hate on SHIT-FOR-BRAINS DIOGUARDI and her INCREDIBLE STATIONARY FOREHEAD as much as I damn well please. Hell, she’s an exception to the rule. Bitch could adopt a whole damned orphanage of malnourished autistic child lepers in a war-torn African principality and I’d still call her a worthless piece of shit and cry for my sweet, sweet Percocet Paula.

Simon basically says what I was thinking (i.e., she’s not annoying like most 16-year-olds) and she gets her golden ticket. Outside the audition room, her mother and two brothers greet her, one of which is wielding a balloon animal. The younger one seems is fascinated with Seacrest’s belt or something and YES OH YES I KNOW I KNOW I AM GOING TO HELL I PROMISE I WILL STOP I AM GOING TO HELL.

Pat Ford
Some show tune I don’t ever want to know oh wait it was actually Womanizer

The 17-year-old from Derry, NH inexplicably does not have a popped collar. I thought he was singing a show tune, but it was Britney Spears’ Womanizer. He also called Simon sassy. He is gayer than The Blue Oyster Club in Police Academy. Oh, and Shit-For-Brains can barely move from her entire neck up.

Three Non-Blonde Girls Who Can Sing But Probably Won’t Go Far Because They Are Grouped Together In Quick Succession

Jennifer Hirsh
I like her because she isn’t a toothpick and has brown hair and is jazzy. She can stay.

Claire Fuller
Can we say Casey Carlson 2.0? Her voice was dull and tepid. Cute face, mediocre vocals. Will be axed early on in Hollywood if there is any justice in the world. (Posh likes her voice, then again, Posh was never really known for her knockout vocals. That’s why they let Sporty handle most of the Spice Girls vocals. You know this by now.)

Jess Wolfe
I think I like her. Glasses! But was she singing gospel?

FIST PUMP! FIST PUMP! American Idol is pimping Italian-Americans! GUIDOLICIOUS!!

Amadeo Dericco
Amadeo is from Providence, RI — just like Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly Delvecchio! I hope they are cousins and have big pasta meals together and fist pump while Italian dinner music plays in the background. Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi keeps trying to move her head, but it only bobs back and forth a little bit. She tries to get all Italian with Amadeo, which is just as annoying as when she would call Lil Rounds girl, even with her last name. I cringe when she says hell, yes, my fellow pizon, however, then Randy “Tits-on-a-Bull” Jackson calls him my brother, my pizon and I just…oh well, FIST-PIMPING GUIDOLICIOUS WELCOME PARTY waiting for Amadeo outside the door puts a smile on my face…as does the juxtaposition of little Ryan Seacrest standing amongst a gaggle of boisterous PIZONS.

No, seriously, America, do you get it? It’s abundantly clear now, isn’t it? No one wants to see desperate woman make fools of themselves in the hopes from getting a rose from some dude with a teeny roid peen and an alleged career in real estate. It is no longer cool to use IDF in the hopes of birthing a litter and getting a TV show out of the deal. No one wants to see reenactments of women who didn’t know they were knocked up. (Peggy Olson is fictional and therefore does not count!)ย  America wants to see people they might actually not mind waiting in line with for the toilet. They want Guidos, dammit. GUIDOS. AMERICA WANTS MORE GUIDOS!

I rest my case.

Derek Hilton
What Do I Have To Do?

Christopher Akins Blue Lagoon hair, a lapsed supply of Proactiv, and beginning with the statement, I’m a very spiritual kind of guy…plus the whole “filmed in and around the building” package…

Why did Randy Jackson call him baby? Ok. This guy is clearly a budding actor. He describes his voice as a cross between Chris Brown and The Eagles and says how he like how Chris Brown touches children all over the world. He sings through his nose. Shit-For-Brains still cannot move his forehead. Tits-on-a-Bull keeps looking at his Playskool watch.

The hopes and dreams of a bunch of other people are killed. I imagine most of these were the ones who probably had a fair amount of talent and were cut for the obvious plants or people with better sob stories, so it kind of makes watching the cry uh, SUCK.

Mere Doyle
Piece of My Heart

The self-described anime freak (I’ve already forgotten the actual Japanese word for this) has a “filmed in and around the building” package, that coupled with the “weirdness” (Uh, hello! Anime is WEIRD for American Idol! Weird! Bizarre! The judges think she is terrible and this makes Mere ANGRY, so..there’s some arguing. I’m bored so I nuzzle Oskar. (I’ve missed him! We’ve hardly had any quality time together since before Christmas!) Shit-For-Brains tries to be all Paula-esque and calls her sweetie, talks about how she wants to give her a hug. Uh, listen up, bitch. YOU ARE NOT PAULA!

Earnest Acoustic Males with Guitars, Sensitive Souls, Nice Pectorals and Trendy Knit Beanies Audition Quickie (Because clearly last year was fixed and Adam Lambert REALLY won, right?)

Luke Shaffer
The NYC-based waiter (re: actor-model-singer-do-you-want-my-headshot) is like the love child of Kris Allen and Silver Spoons-era Rickey Schroder. I want Eddie’s Toys to come riding in on his little train with a cigar hanging out of his mouth right now.

Benjamin Bright
Bright is an elementary school music teacher with a capella tendencies. If he weren’t so damned TAN, I would peg him as automatic frau bait based on his resume and clear ability to harmonize alone.

(Hey, has anyone else been distracted by the fact the this season’s American Idol backdrop suggests they are blowing up the entire Eastern Seaboard?)

Both guys make it. Shit-For-Brains jumps up and down with unbridled excitement with Bright gets the go-ahead, and I suspect he triggered something in her loins. Or she just desperately wants to move her face from the nose up and is trying anything at this point.

Andrew Fenlon
House of the Rising Sun

BTW, in case you really bought the whole “unemployed musician” story, this is the music of Andrew Fenlon. Fenlon acts like an asshole, the judges get pissed, particularly Simon and Shit-For-Brains. Tits-On-A-Bull and Posh are pretty much room decor at this point, as Shit-For-Brains tries desperately to become Simon’s new foil, as well as all sorts of RELEVANT.

You need a spanking.

You know what you need, songwriter-extraordinaire Kara DioGuardi? You need a big ol’ can of shut the frak up.

Did you ever have a girlfriend?

Do you really think people like hearing you talk?

Oh jesus christ. This year, everyone is trying to top that whole “dead wife” thing, aren’t they? Conventionally attractive male cancer survivor? Grandmother with Alzheimer’s?

OMG THEY GAVE KRIS ALLEN A REAL FORD COMMERCIAL

So I guess Alright With Me will be the second single? This is probably old news, alas, I’ve been away…

Thank you, American Idol, for making fun of collegiate music students who live down the street from me. It was actually sort of amusing…sort of…

Bill Bloom
You sang Kiss From a Rose so you could sing your last name right?

Michael Ryan
Aspiring musical-comedian who really isn’t all that funny.

Ashley Rodriguez
The Alicia Keys song I just want to DIE DIE DIE

Ashley has twice as many teeth as I do, but I decided I didn’t like her as soon as she began singing that GOD AWFUL ALICIA KEYS SONG which has earned a solid place behind Don’t Stop Believing, I Can’t Make You Love Me and I’m Telling You I’m Not Going and Julia Roberts’ laugh in the category of Things I Never Need To Hear Again. But Shit-For-Brains just LOVES her, which makes me hate her. She calls her COMMERCIAL. She calls her SULTRY. Am I the only one who thinks Shit-For-Brains talks entirely too much? I feel like I’ve barely heard any of the other judges speak. Tits-On-A-Bull-Playskool-Timepiece hasn’t even fully annoyed me as he usually does by this point because HE BARELY GETS TO TALK.

Tyler Grady
Let’s Get It On

Catchy name. Retro hair. Tight jeans. Two broken wrists, the result of injuries sustained when falling out of a tree. (This seems like a siren’s call to those remaining Jason Castro Frauen who didn’t jump on the Adam Lambert bandwagon, doesn’t it?) I feel he may practice his moves in a mirror while watching Oliver Stone’s The Doors, but I am enjoying Posh’s occasional fashion critique for whatever reason, perhaps because her British accent is so damn soothing — especially when sitting besides the grating shrill of Botox Bitch. Tits-On-A-Bull makes the Jim Morrison comparison. Uh uh uh, Randy. It’s the Val Kilmer rendition, not the REAL Lizard King. So obvious.

We now see a bunch of people who got golden tickets. I have no idea if we will see any of these people again, but they all sort of look the same, like people from previous seasons.

(If you’re live near me, you may have noticed the Massachusetts Democrats/Martha Coakley for Senate bought a We can’t afford Republican Scott Brown ad during tonight’s show. This is just a tiny bit ironic as Brown’s daughter was Season 5 contestant, Ayla Brown. Or I thought it was ironic…but I probably missed the pro-Brown ad, its gotta be equal…oh wow do I need sleep.)

AUDITIONS: DAY TWO

Lisa Olivero
Vision of Love

This chick’s North Shore accent is incredible. I love how they show her waitressing so she can say broccoli for whatever reason. They also allowed her to say Billerica, which reminds me of something…wait…hold on…jesus, I totally taught someone to say Billerica like that recently…it was a German or a French dude…or Spanish? This totally was while I was in Austria, I know it. I just cannot remember…OMG I want to go to bed. I am delirious.

It turns out Lisa sucks, even though they filmed her doing stuff off the premises.

Ryan Keane
I’m just waiting for a terrible audition to make me laugh, because none of them have done this so far. Billerica almost did, but I just like hearing the word Billerica.

Montage of people who suck donkey balls or are trying (and failing miserably) way too hard to make me laugh…

I feel sorry for Simon. He so wants out of this job. He also wants to cut Botox Bitch.

Mike Davis
Yesterday

Codzilla driver (why have I never even seen a brochure for this?). Heavy Boston accent (just exchange things ending in -a with an -er sound and vice versa). Looks a bit older than 18. Solid voice. Probably a tendency to shave weird things into his facial hair. Botox Bitch wants to hang out with him on the Codzilla. She starts babbling on about all sorts of nonsense. Actually, he should take her on the Codzilla because it would be so easy to toss her off when you’re going those high speeds. It would be a service to humanity.

Posh totally wants to cut her.

And people wonder why Simon wants to quit this dog & pony shit show? Poor Simon. Poor sweet Simon.

Tits-On-A-Bull has even had enough and follows Simon out of the room. Tits-On-A-Bull is suddenly becoming likable by default. He is now the lesser of two evils. Leaving that room out of sheer frustration at that nonsensical idiot almost endeared me to Randy fraking Jackson. This is either the worst jet lag ever or Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi just sucks THAT much.

The 16-Year-Old with a Sob Story Whom Everyone Goes Nuts Over

Katie Stevens
At Last

Don’t get me wrong, Katie Stevens has a great voice and I feel bad for anyone watching someone suffer from Alzheimer’s Disease, which I’m telling myself over and over again when I hear Katie sing At Last — a song I still think should only ever be sung by Etta James and retired entirely from wedding receptions. And I’m just so damn sick of the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 people, especially since Alison Iraheta is the only one who has ever not eventually annoyed me. Oh. And I totally miss Percocet Paula, dammit. This show sucks without her. SUCKS.

Wait. Hold it. I don’t know if I can ever like this girl. She came with a cheering section of about 30 AND they already have FLAT KATIES. FLAT KATIES!!!

Joshua Blalock
Some country song which might be Brad Paisley because I think I once heard him sing something referencing Northern Stars?


Victoria likes his voice, Simon says it sounds like he is 14 and not 28. They think he might be too nice and make him practice his assertiveness by having him

I could see him in a new group that sings Spandeau Ballet kind of music…hey, so? I love that band!

Ok. Randy. When did you become semi-funny? And oh, wouldn’t the band he’s talking about kind of be Il Divo? Yes? No?

The tedium at which this show is…but coming up is an inspirational story of courage, and I am fading. Fading fast.

(Oh, MA residents, there is the Republican Scott Brown ad again. He’s talking from his kitchen.)

Okay. For the first time all night, I’m laughing. This dude and his rendition of All By Myself. That’s gold, I tell ya. Gold.

Now here is a couple that actually may actually have to clean more hair out of their drains than even myself.

Justin Williams
Feeling Good

Conventionally handsome. Twinkling blue eyes. Seven years ago, was doing mission work in Spain (Jesus Cristo!) and discovered he had cancer. (Dios Mio!) Possibly Mormon (Jose Smitho!) Obviously, Justin tried out last year but didn’t make it. The only thing I can rationalize is that he FAILED TO PIMP HIS CANCER. Perhaps he decided, after seeing like, some HEART HANDS and DEAD WIFE PHOTOS last season, that he needed to bring up the whole “I had cancer” stuff. I imagine he wanted to get by on the merits of his talent alone, I always have hopes for that, too, so I can’t begrudge the guy…but that hopeful naivite is probably why he only had a TINY bit of screentime…and only for a brief moment during Hollywood week, but then again, the other guy in the photo of him didn’t get much airtime either.

NOW FOR THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF THE SHOW WHICH I DID NOT WATCH UNTIL NOW

Norberto Guerrero
Everytime We Touch

I’m really not sure how you could sing a dancepop song by Cascada. Nor why anyone would want to look like LaToya Jackson. Nor why I have found Randy Jackson semi-amusing this episode. Or why am I becoming a legitimate Victoria Beckham fan. This season is just…bizarre because its so utterly NOT bizarre.

Bosa Mora
Sorry, sob stories. Bosa’s delightful Nigerian family is too adorable for words. I hate you, Shit-For-Brains, because you sound so stupid when you say things like star power. Posh, you rule. Idol producers, while I do love Rusted Root (Ecstasy was always their finest song), I do find it a bit cloying you deliberately put something with “ethnic drumming” to highlight the African dude. For whatever reason, I kind of love Bosa.

(The commercial breaks in this shit are excruciating. EXCRUCIATING!!)

Leah Laurenti
Blue Skies

We already know Leah Laurenti is going to blow the judges away. While I’m curious about her “cult-like” upbringing (ooooh, if she makes it farther, will she have a sketchy sect/church I can investigate??), the dress needs to go…maybe some bleaching trays…yeah, I’m being petty. The girl can sing. I like her voice. I like her voice a lot. A lot. I can’t really say anything bad about her. It touches my heart, not being able to say anything bad. Ooops. Yes, I can. She claims to be a BIG FAN of SHIT-FOR-BRAINS DIOGUARDI!!! I am going to just assume she is lying for the sake of gratitude and/or kissing ass.

Boston = 31

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103 Comments leave one →
  1. notarding permalink
    January 14, 2010 6:08 pm

    ok am I the only one that thought angry clark kent was hot!?!? oh boy!

    • Mithra permalink
      January 14, 2010 8:12 pm

      ^^ No. I would have totally dated him, and lived to bitch about it ๐Ÿ˜€

  2. shallow permalink
    January 14, 2010 5:11 am

    and welcome back to idol blogging! you are my guilty pleasure.

  3. shallow permalink
    January 14, 2010 5:07 am

    TOUCHE!!!!! on justin just failing to play the cancer card last year! and he just learned from gokey to do it this year! i feel for the guys, i really do, but it’s time to move on with their lives. though justin doesn’t seem the type who would pimp his sob story the way gokey did. i mean if he were that shallow, he would have already done that last year, right?

    btw, gokey just got a huge “sophia” tattoo. i can’t believe it. he’s still at it.

  4. erinnthered permalink
    January 14, 2010 4:58 am

    Still haven’t seen it. Maybe that’s a good thing?

    So that’s where the pants on the ground thing came from! That spread fast.

  5. Smartie permalink
    January 14, 2010 4:03 am

    Cancer guy wears coloured contact lenses and is gay gay gay.

  6. Full Tilt permalink
    January 14, 2010 2:07 am

    Am I mistaken or did they actually kind of diss Kris in the intro? Something to the effect of “the biggest shock ever” re Kris (I’m paraphrasing here) and the gag-worthy “a star is born” (re Adam). Does anyone actually believe that bullshit? I was pleasantly surprised though that they didn’t spend the whole night talking about Adam since they spent all last season doing just that.

  7. jukejoint permalink
    January 14, 2010 12:26 am

    I watched the first part of tonight’s Idol auditions, and then opted for “Passing Strange” on Great Performances. I’m a major theater lovah, and I never warmed to Monsieur Lambert, and I realized yet again, watching “Passing Strange,” that there are so many people on Broadway every night with better voices and better performances skills than he has, and nobody’s ever heard of them. I think I was kind of bitter from the beginning that he was supposedly carrying the torch for Broadway without having played there, and he wasn’t as good as the Broadway people I love.

    (“Passing Strange” was amazing, btw, and now I am kicking myself for not seeing it on Broadway. Or Off-Broadway, for that matter. Some gorgeous voices in that cast and woo woo to Stew for creating it, starring it, writing the music, doing the orchestrations, the whole nine yards.)

    • pattyluponey permalink
      January 14, 2010 12:40 am

      I would definitely choose a Broadway show on PBS over Idol auditions…if I could get PBS…

      I agree with the comment that there are so many Broadway performers better than Adam…he never made it to Broadway. Michael Arden may have one of the best voices I’ve ever heard! And he has the acting chops to back it up. He was so raw in Bare: A Pop Opera. I would love to see more Equity people show up on Idol. X Factor will be more open to them, I’m sure. (FYI, I can’t wait to audition for X Factor!!)

  8. pattyluponey permalink
    January 14, 2010 12:08 am

    Welcome back! Hope we didn’t leave too big of a mess…:/

    I want to stab my ears out when Shit-for-Brains speaks. I missed Paula, but I noticed a huge lack in the use of the term “pitchy”…none yet that I’ve noticed. That word is my Idol pet-peeve. I haven’t picked up on anyone yet, but I usually don’t until the semi-final rounds…except for last year when I picked out Adam in his first audition. I think it was more the announcement he’d been in Wicked, his inherent gayness, and his cuteness (admit, he was cute in the beginning rounds…) that caught me. And done with my Adam rants for the rest of 2010 on any post with nothing to do with Adam…:)

    I love your recaps and read them out loud to my former roommate, so I’m so looking forward to the rest of this season. Thanks, TI!!!

  9. deez permalink
    January 13, 2010 11:59 pm

    GAaAHHH! Pants on the ground…Pants on the ground…lookin’ like a fool with ya pants on the ground…Pants on the ground…Pants on the ground…lookin’ like a fool with ya pants on the ground…Pants on the ground…Pants on the ground…lookin’ like a fool with ya pants on the ground…Pants on the ground…Pants on the ground…lookin’ like a fool with ya pants on the ground…DAMMITT TO HELL!!!Pants on the ground…Pants on the ground…lookin’ like a fool with ya pants on the ground…Pants on the ground…Pants on the ground…lookin’ like a fool with ya pants on the ground…HELP ME.

    • lauren722 permalink
      January 14, 2010 12:03 am

      I didn’t even watch idol and I’ve already been introduced to this epicness. I can’t get it out of my head either!

  10. January 13, 2010 11:00 pm

    Hillbilly girl’s voice reminded me of a young Dolly Parton. I feel bad that this sweet, naive girl is probably going to get her heart broken when she gets torn apart in Hollywood.

  11. Paulie permalink
    January 13, 2010 10:59 pm

    First time poster, long time lurker ๐Ÿ™‚ This is also the first time I’m following TI’s recap (which is great BTW) real-time. Hee! Love the snark.

    Minor nitpick: shouldn’t Leah Laurenti’s name be in green? ๐Ÿ˜›

  12. Kathy permalink
    January 13, 2010 10:49 pm

    I live in WV so I know hillbilly and boy she was countryyyyy. She was sweet. Hope people don’t eat her alive. Nice thing going on in her voice. I am curious what songs she will know if she makes it to farther rounds. I can’t help it, I was doing good on snarky comments while watching and she got to my soft spot a little.

    • Trish permalink
      January 14, 2010 12:28 pm

      I actually kinda liked her. And I love (and own) that Old Crow Medicine Show tune. Those dudes are awesome. Girl has good taste in music compared to a lot of that Mariah and Celine sh*t we’re usually forced to listen to (including this season so far).

  13. deez permalink
    January 13, 2010 9:39 pm

    You called it Kathy, we just saw the hillbilly (Vawn-Oarr, Tinnuhsee) . At least she was a talented hillbilly. If she makes it far enough, she is gonna invite some scathing remarks. Geeze, people were making in-bred hick comments about Kris, for goodness sake (who doesn’t have that vibe AT ALL). Kris is a suave sophisticate in comparison.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 13, 2010 11:01 pm

      I never got the hick vibe from HBD. Never.

  14. January 13, 2010 8:40 pm

    Katie bothered me. I’m not sure why. She’s just too nice if that makes any sense. She reminds me of a female Archie. I thought he was adorable in his audition and he had a beautiful voice. But I was bored with him after about two performances. I have a feeling Katie will bore me too.

    I liked the big Italian guy. He made me smile and after the crappy day I had he gets brownie points for that.

    I thought the cancer story guy was pretty good and he has the look that could get him the older female vote. I think his smile and eyes could take him further than his voice though.

    I actually liked the kid with the bad teeth and clothes from the retro shop. I thought he had an interesting voice.

    Overall nobody has stood out as the next Idol to me. Hopefully tonight’s auditions will be a bit more exciting.

    • Pandora permalink
      January 14, 2010 10:15 am

      Katie is just way too pageanty. The other girl, Down’s syndrome-brother, has the potential for an actual personality I think.

  15. January 13, 2010 7:02 pm

    Your back! Yeay!!! I managed to catch a little of this in UK – but as much as I was defiant about getting sucked in – true to form I was getting sucked in! We need you TI ๐Ÿ™‚

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 13, 2010 8:07 pm

      Last night was rather disappointing. Granted, I still have 15 minutes to watch, but I’ve seen no one I am rooting for whatsoever at this point. Except for the takeout guy who sang All By Myself.

  16. January 13, 2010 6:11 pm

    So far, I like Tyler and Jennifer. Maddy and Katie were nice to listen to as well. Also liked seeing Kris in the background and in the commercial. Wasn’t expecting that. Heh.

    Good to read your recaps again, TI!

    • January 13, 2010 7:35 pm

      And, of course, I liked to hear some of my language being spoken. Portuguese accent is so cute.

  17. auntieaimee permalink
    January 13, 2010 6:06 pm

    Anybody else think Andrew Fenlon is a dead ringer for Michael Ian Black?

    • 8sourcandy permalink
      January 13, 2010 7:17 pm

      YES!!!!!! I kept saying “who the fuck does he look like?” “Michael Ian Black” that’s it!

  18. Kathy permalink
    January 13, 2010 6:04 pm

    Well tonight’s Atlanta. Some dumb hillbilly is sure to embarrass the rest of us Southerners.Several probably.

    • deez permalink
      January 13, 2010 6:31 pm

      That’s a given. If you live in tornado alley, the twister invariably finds the trailer park for the segment on CNN, lol.

      (It won’t matter if there are 500 auditioners with an IQ of 160+…the one that will get face time will be named Charlene, have a huge teased bouffant, and Wal-Mart cowboy boots)

      • margie permalink
        January 13, 2010 7:33 pm

        no shit. I think tornados hit every trailer park in the south/midwest. It’s so embarrassing because thats who the national media interview. I can’t lie ,though, they are some funny people.

        • TopIdol permalink
          January 13, 2010 8:04 pm

          Actually, I lived in a cardboard duplex neighborhood populated by upper middle class college students that was surrounded by two trailer parks on two sides. And one day, a tornado hit. I was driving home as this happened. It was crazy. Anyway, it leveled most of my street but the trailer parks escaped unscathed. And I was blissfully happy for them. What irony!

      • Kathy permalink
        January 13, 2010 8:29 pm

        Yes whenever disaster strikes they always find the one guy with 2 teeth and bib overalls to talk to. I don’t understand it lol My inlaws from NY were sure I lived in Walnut Grove until they actually saw the area lol

  19. lauren722 permalink
    January 13, 2010 5:43 pm

    Really good recap TI! Haha, when Amadeo came on, my mom shouted “Jersey Shore!” LOL! The only person I kinda like is Justin. He’s kinda cute and kinda talented. Oh and the 2 Allison coattail riders would be good IF THEY WEREN’T ALLISON COATTAIL RIDERS!!!!

    • Nich permalink
      January 13, 2010 5:50 pm

      I don’t see how they’re Allison coattail riders. They aren’t in her style of singing they just happened to be 16 year olds that came on after her season. Would Allison then be a Jordan Sparks coattail rider who in turn is then a Diana DeGarmo coattail rider?

      • lauren722 permalink
        January 13, 2010 6:11 pm

        No because I like Allison better than I like Jordin. I never claimed to be un-biased ๐Ÿ˜‰

  20. girl from mars permalink
    January 13, 2010 4:19 pm

    Yay, you’re back!! Awesome recap. One thing I found pretty amazing was that I was able to FF through the commercials when I watched this on my DVR, and it was about 1hr 20min-ish of content. That’s 40 min of commercials. Daaaang.

  21. mustang permalink
    January 13, 2010 4:03 pm

    This is my first season of TI’s Idol recaps (being a newbie to the site and all). I see I am in for a great ride. This was brilliant!

  22. Nicole permalink
    January 13, 2010 3:35 pm

    Oh My Goodness!! Its a new season and some people are still talking about Adam. Let him go… its ok….. lol

    Regarding the new crop of contestants, so far, no one has “popped” for me. Its the same genres and the same type of contestants. I really want some diversity this year.

    • Mithra permalink
      January 13, 2010 5:58 pm

      You know the Glamtards are already bitching about those who have performed “Adam’s songs” songs ๐Ÿ˜‰

      I LOVE Amedeo the pizan! Singing Muddy even! I hope he makes it through Hollywood and doesn’t end up just being a backstory that ends. Also love Nigerian dude’s mother’s hat. They also should have sent through the guy who pissed Kara off. I almost think Simon made an attempt for someone (Randy?) to change to a yes, and then he would have thrown his uber yes in. The guy actually did do a good and interesting take on House of the Rising Sun. It’s just that it sort of had the passion of a sociopathic serial killer vibe…

      I’m already noticing overpraise for performances that were subpar but must be contestants already pre approved ๐Ÿ˜‰

  23. notarding permalink
    January 13, 2010 2:35 pm

    sorry, but katie looks like she could be one of Maddy Curtis’ brothers. She can sing, but has buttah face. Beckham looks like a ant. Cancerman was hot though…

    • Trish permalink
      January 13, 2010 3:10 pm

      Cancerman was in “White Chocolate” with Kris and Danny(?) last season, wasn’t he? I wonder why his cancer didn’t rate mentioning LAST SEASON, LOL? I might not have recognized him if they didn’t mention that he was a “music teacher.” I think I recall that both he and Danny were identified as such.

      • Trish permalink
        January 13, 2010 3:17 pm

        Oh, and this just in from a commenter at MJs re “Cancerman”:

        Apparently, Justin Williams has connections with David Archuleta. Theyโ€™re both from Utah, so itโ€™s only natural, I guess. Here are a couple of photos of Justin and Archie together in studioโ€ฆ

        I knew with teeth like that dude HAD to be a Mormon. He probably has Osmond blood in him with those pearly-whites. He’s attractive, but I totally got a smarmy vibe off him — as I did last season (assuming he really was on last year!). Now if we could just peel off his veneers and paste them on that Tyler kid (a/k/a Broken Arms)!

        • TopIdol permalink
          January 13, 2010 3:37 pm

          So far, the two best observations of the day:

          I knew with teeth like that dude HAD to be a Mormon.

          And…

          I was thinking the All By Myself guy was just there delivering food.

      • TopIdol permalink
        January 13, 2010 3:34 pm

        It was Kris, Giraud (Quatto Host!), Justin Williams and some girl.

        Looking back at that last post, I think Sarver, Lambert and Gokey were in a group together. Yikes!

        • on the edge permalink
          January 13, 2010 5:44 pm

          The some girl was India Morrison…liked her rapping last year but her singing voice was just so-so (and she had to know that).

        • Mithra permalink
          January 13, 2010 6:01 pm

          Sarver, Lambert and Gokey were in a group together? They pick their groups. How did this happen? We must find evidence on youtube…

          • LeighKat permalink
            January 13, 2010 6:13 pm

            Ah heeeellll no! Gokey was not in the legendary White Chocolate! hehheeh!

            It was Cancerboy, India, Quattohost and Kris.

            They get assigned to groups.

            • Mithra permalink
              January 13, 2010 6:21 pm

              They’re assigned now? Are you sure? That’s where all the drama used to be, the picking. Tatiana was flipping back and forth between two groups and pissing everyone off.

            • lauren722 permalink
              January 13, 2010 6:26 pm

              OBVIOUSLY they are assigned now. That explains why we didn’t see Kradam! haha

          • Mithra permalink
            January 13, 2010 6:19 pm

            Some Kind of Wonderful – Adam Lambert, Michael Sarver, Matt Breitzke and Jesse Langseth

            ***Screach Warning

          • TopIdol permalink
            January 13, 2010 6:29 pm

            Ok. I was wrong about Gokey. Here is the excerpt from that post I linked:

            Groups #6-7
            Jeremy Michael Sarver, Adam Lambert, Matt Breitzke, Jesse Langseth, some other people

            They all make it. And Iโ€™ve decided I really like Adam Lambert, even if he kind of looks like a Pete Wentz D-bag. And I think Beartastic Breitzke is kind of fun, too.

            See? It was when Michael Sarver went by Jeremy and “liked” Adam Lambert.

            • 8sourcandy permalink
              January 13, 2010 7:20 pm

              Proof!

            • Mithra permalink
              January 13, 2010 8:53 pm

              I remember reading that blog! Such hate for Godess Tatiana ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

              Loved this bit:

              The lobotomized Danny Noriega, Cody Sheldon,

              Isn’t Danny Noriega the lobotomized Danny Noriega? ๐Ÿ˜€

              I’m not sure why I couldn’t find video on youtube, but I seem to recall the ancestral/primordial hearding of that which became the genesis of the sparkle cows, mass bitching about so little Adam during Hollywood Week. Damn he sounds like shit.

              I still think they choose groups. They always have someone who can’t find a group. Remember Matt Sato?

            • Mithra permalink
              January 13, 2010 9:00 pm

              Damn my typos!

              Another thing which should be interesting THIS year is that they now are conducting Hollywood/Hell Week while they get internet feedback. Plus they have twitter. Instant frau/tard response as they choose…hmmm….

  24. Kathy permalink
    January 13, 2010 2:24 pm

    yeah Leigh Pokerface was not the best. He’s good but Idol will never let a singer/songwriter guitar boy screw up their plans 2 years running:)

  25. jukejoint permalink
    January 13, 2010 2:14 pm

    I liked several people better from their youtubes than their auditions. I don’t think I latched onto anybody last night. But since I’ve never watched the audition episodes before, maybe that’s normal.

  26. Claire permalink
    January 13, 2010 2:00 pm

    What happened to all the Adam fans who freaked out “the day the music died” and swore they’d never watch homophobic Idol EVER!!!!11!!!! Something tells me they all got sucked in again this year.

    I missed the Adam pimping. Must’ve happened within the first two minutes since I was out of the room. I was actually thinking that they had toned the Adam love way down this year…almost as if he weren’t actually competing two seasons in a row ๐Ÿ™‚

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 13, 2010 2:23 pm

      THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED???

      I am 99.9% sure that’s what the Confrau call the day he was eliminated, too.

      I wish some of these tards were original, ya know?

      • Claire permalink
        January 13, 2010 2:56 pm

        TDTMD is the title of the fake Kerry K book that Sourcandy made.

        • 8sourcandy permalink
          January 13, 2010 7:52 pm

          That was a collaborative effort. Deez, Lauren, Trish, Mithra and Jukejoint all contributed ideas and Jukejoint came up with a bunch of great titles.

          • lauren722 permalink
            January 13, 2010 8:02 pm

            Haha yes, but you created the photoshop masterpiece!

      • haha permalink
        January 13, 2010 3:51 pm

        The ConFan call his elimination “Black Wednesday”.

        • jukejoint permalink
          January 13, 2010 4:46 pm

          There were “The Day The Music Died” banners after Daughtry was eliminated.

    • 8sourcandy permalink
      January 13, 2010 7:38 pm

      I don’t remember it either.

  27. LeighKat permalink
    January 13, 2010 1:48 pm

    Hey- is it totally weird that when I went to the Everest Poker blog I started getting excited saying to myself “Oh yeah! I get to hear Melinda speak!”?

    I think I am a TOTAL TOPIDOL TARD!! hehehehe! Think you’ll need a restraining order TI! LOL!

  28. annie permalink
    January 13, 2010 1:40 pm

    great recap

  29. Trish permalink
    January 13, 2010 1:30 pm

    Welcome back!!!

    Jayzus, Simon is worth a few billion dollars and he can’t get that cheezy spray tan scrubbed off his hairy arms???

    I see that the weird-girl-in-hippie-dresses-with-the-dog-who-is-in-a-cult tries out again?

    Is this true? I didn’t see her and her name’s not in the spoilers.

    Loved how last season “a star was born” in one Adam Lambert! God, I hope we don’t have to endure yet another year of Adam pimping. I am so sick to death of Anything Adam-related. Just make it stop or I’m bailing on the season. (And I was an Adam fan last season; just sick to death of him and the over-exposure.)

    • Nich permalink
      January 13, 2010 1:39 pm

      Oh yeah the “star is born” thing for Adam just had me rolling my eyes.

      • lauren722 permalink
        January 13, 2010 5:38 pm

        I kinda would have preferred 3 stars were born accompanied by a Kradison picture. The Gokey scorn would have been epic.

  30. January 13, 2010 1:28 pm

    OH P.S.
    2 girls in my school tried out last summer. One lives in La Jolla (well, San Diego) and tried out for fun but didn’t make it past the first round even though she is AMAZING, and the other also is from Chicago and tried for fun and she’s pretty damn good. But the latter, although she has a lot of friends, is really introverted, and the other said after waiting for so long she was REALLY tired.
    She also said she saw some girl crawling all over the judges table during her audition who is probably going to be seen during the L.A. auditions episode. Stay tuned.
    Oh and you know how many commercials there were?! The actually length is 1:25. Fraking idiots.

  31. January 13, 2010 1:24 pm

    AHHH I MISSED THIS SOOO MUCH! Almost as much as I’m going to miss Simon next season!
    Okay what is with the Guidos. Don’t tell me you actually LIKE this Jersey Shore shitfest…
    I’m about to watch it on my computer since my dorms here in seminary don’t have TV since we’re supposed to be all focused on our Judaism and shit. We’re actually lucky our school allows computers. But yeah. I’m really excited, b/c this is the season before it falls from crap to in-a-black-hole-never-to-be-found-or-even-redeemed-again status.
    And I was screaming at the shots of Queen. I will never hate American Idol for giving me the opportunity to see FRAKING HALF OF QUEEN IN PERSON.
    Okay I’m gonna stop now. =)

  32. Kathy permalink
    January 13, 2010 1:18 pm

    Just for you Nich:

    • LeighKat permalink
      January 13, 2010 2:00 pm

      not feeling that Pokerface rendition too much- I did like him last night though.

      I think I am gonna hop on the Amadeus train- just because he’s a big ball of fun and lunacy!

      • auntieaimee permalink
        January 13, 2010 2:26 pm

        Did you see Ryan’s face when Amadeo came barreling out of the audition room? He thought he was going to die. LOL! The fight or flight response kicked in (it was flight, of course).

        • pattyluponey permalink
          January 13, 2010 11:48 pm

          He so braced himself (Ruben flashback?) then at the end he totally ran the other way…I was ROFL!

  33. haha permalink
    January 13, 2010 1:16 pm

    Hallelujah isn’t a Leonard Cohen song – it’s a CONSTANTINE MAROULIS song!!! Or a Jestro song!!! Get your facts right, lady.

  34. Nich permalink
    January 13, 2010 12:50 pm

    Also I LOVE Posh. Her book was an unexpected delight and I wish her reality show had taken off.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 13, 2010 2:21 pm

      I actually watched that, and, besides the lame “lets get sex dolls and try to fool the paparazzi” part, it was actually entertaining. Especially when the realtor showed her Lionel Richie’s old home and she made a crack about him dancing on the ceiling.

      Supposedly, she and Becks always are the ones who pick up their kids from school every day, too. I have always thought she was a lot more likable and normal than her image appears. She just doesn’t care. And she hates her smile and thinks she’s short, which is why she doesn’t show teeth and is never seen without heels.

      But yes, she should eat a sandwich.

  35. Nich permalink
    January 13, 2010 12:47 pm

    I have decided that I’m going to tard over that Luke guy. He’s a ginger! He wears beanies! He’s the only one I can actually remember at the moment!

  36. auntieaimee permalink
    January 13, 2010 12:10 pm

    I was thinking the All By Myself guy was just there delivering food.

  37. RheaTard permalink
    January 13, 2010 12:09 pm

    I totally remembered Justin from WHITE CHOCOLATE. I also knew that he was canon fodder last year which is why I wondered why he suddenly had a “back story” this year, was actually being semi-pimped, and yet not a single one of them said, “Hey I remember you from last year” or Ryan mentioning that he’d been there before.

    Especially since the lead-in was the cowboy who said he’d be back next year!

    He was horrible and whiny last year in WC (esp considering he is a voice teacher) and he wasn’t that much better this year.

    I like Tyler Grady but, ew, the teeth! Same with that one chick who sang Blue Skies. Someone needs to give her a set of Crest White Strips.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 13, 2010 2:15 pm

      Tyler Grady could be Greasy Constantine 2.0. We do not know, but if he goes far in the competition, Greasy Constantine will publicly announce that he paved the way for a slithering dude with tight jeans and Leif Garrett hair to do well on Idol, just as Greasy Constantine made it possible for Daughtry, David Cook and Adam Lambert to do well.

      • auntieaimee permalink
        January 13, 2010 2:30 pm

        I prefer to believe that Bo Bice paved the way, mainly because I don’t want to give Constantine credit for anything.

        • auntieaimee permalink
          January 13, 2010 2:31 pm

          Although Adam eye fvcking the camera at every opportunity was pure Constantine…

        • TopIdol permalink
          January 13, 2010 2:36 pm

          Of course it was Bice. But every season, when some reporters actually bother talking to Walking VD, oh yes, he had something to do with ALL OF IT!

          • auntieaimee permalink
            January 13, 2010 2:41 pm

            Oh, duh on my part. I need to recalibrate my sarcasm sensor.

        • wino permalink
          January 14, 2010 8:08 pm

          i actually got a bo bice/castro vibe from that guy. he’s one of the few after two auditions that i remember and “like”. hollywood week usually changes everything for me, it was then I become annoyed with Danny and started to notice Matt and (briefly) Kris.

      • 8sourcandy permalink
        January 13, 2010 7:15 pm

        I liked your post TI, I watched the damn show and have no recollection of half of the shit that happened.

        I liked broken wrist guy and cancer guy best. Everyone sucked, they just didn’t suck as much. This is the first time I ever watched this part of the season, I don’t care for it. It seems like a waste of time. Kara is soooooooo annoying that it made Posh seem relevant and knowledgeable. When broken wrist sang “get it on” I know Kara was thinking about Matt.

        I don’t know if I will be able to get through this entire season.

        • TopIdol permalink
          January 13, 2010 8:09 pm

          I have never anxiously awaited a season of American Idol. I swear. Never.

          But after last night, I cannot wait for an X-Factor with Paula and Simon!

          • wino permalink
            January 14, 2010 8:26 pm

            i actually fear the arrival of XFactor LOL, where the judges have more airtime and they favor cheesy big diva voices (get ready for whitney and miss keys clones) over musicality (good bye cook, bice, HDB, etc). i still think Simon is stuck in the 90s and has done everything he can these past seasons to find his next Celine clone. Hello, the man discovered Leona Lewis, his prized pet.

  38. auntieaimee permalink
    January 13, 2010 11:56 am

    How can you hate Ashley? What the hell is wrong with you? ๐Ÿ˜‰ I liked her and I liked Tyler. They were the only ones I could remember. But, reading your recap, I have to say that I thought Katie was annoying and shrill and hated Justin (Ew. My mom thought he was handsome, but something about him is just ew. And I thought his singing was super corny Il Divo crapola).

    I liked Victoria Beckham much more than I thought I would, but she really needs to eat a sandwich. She looks like a stick insect.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 13, 2010 2:13 pm

      He is definitely not what I find handsome, but I can see where some people might like him.

      Ashley sang the Alicia Keys song I hate. BOOOOOORING! And neither one of the OMG SHE IS 16 kids have anywhere near the personality or presence of La Princesa del Mariachi.

      • Nicole permalink
        January 13, 2010 3:44 pm

        I agree about the OMG she’s 16 kids. I have a feeling one of them is going to win this year though. You can tell the show wants a girl to win and they’ll try the Disney crowd again since their efforts didn’t work all that will with Jordin.

        • Mithra permalink
          January 13, 2010 6:04 pm

          Well yeah. Jorbacca looks more like a Godzilla sized creature than a Disney princess. She looks like she could eat small children and tweens for snacks, and they sense these things.

      • lauren722 permalink
        January 13, 2010 5:34 pm

        That’s why I hated both of them! I mean they were talented, but they were nowhere near Allison. *Sobs*

        • LeighKat permalink
          January 13, 2010 6:08 pm

          I think 19E is trying to push La Princesa into the Disney market now. I saw somwhere that she was doing an interview or something with Disney radio. sigh*

  39. Yuppie permalink
    January 13, 2010 11:43 am

    But, what do you think of Kara?

    I laughed so hard when she told cancer dude that she would remember him when she seemingly did not remember that he was in Hollywood last year.

  40. LeighKat permalink
    January 13, 2010 11:26 am

    Welcome back TI- watched some of the show last night and was reminded why last year was the first time I ever got through a season. With Paula gone and Simon virtually checked out, I think I can safely say- “I HATE THIS SHIT SHOW”.
    I imagine I will only know anything about this season via your recaps (which are awesome BTW).

  41. SarahBeth permalink
    January 13, 2010 11:17 am

    YAY YOU’RE BACK!

    I have MISSED you and these fabulous recaps.

    ๐Ÿ™‚

  42. deez permalink
    January 13, 2010 11:13 am

    Yay!! I’ve missed the awesome recaps!

    Slezak’s take: http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20312226_20336351_2,00.html

    Can’t wait for Idolatry. In the recent interview from Randy, he stated that this years’ auditioners were not copycats, and they were spared Kris and Adam clones. (ok? I noticed several…was it just me?) After watching these clips, I’m even more amazed HBD managed to fight his way out of the scrum. I had an idea watching this last night during some particular bad singing. See HBD on the backdrop? See how that right fist is positioned. I think it would cool to have a retractable fist right there. Simon pushes a button and “BAM!”

  43. Mysterioso permalink
    January 13, 2010 10:34 am

    Welcome back my fellow homophobe! Awesome recap!

  44. Kathy permalink
    January 13, 2010 10:30 am

    Welcome back! I didn’t remember Justin from last year. He could do damage if he makes it to the voting rounds. Nice looking, good voice and a sob story? Uh oh. I was too distracted by HBD hanging out in the Pacific(I was having a kristard moment) to notice my own demise in the East. Glad someone else noticed Randy dug out a swatch.

    Sadly I did own American Idol for Wii. It has since been traded in for Toys R Us store credit but yeah, I always became the American Idol and I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.

    I have never recognized anyone in auditions either but my husband went to high school with Jackie Tohn.

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