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AI Season 9 Auditions — Atlanta: 1980s Sitcom Lookalikes and something about pants

January 14, 2010

The Atlanta auditions are likely to illicit more than the 31 golden tickets distributed in Boston because hey, it’s the South. And we all know what happens in the South on American Idol, don’t we, kiddies?

If you’re feeling adventurous, I dare you to take a shot every time someone says Hotlanta tonight. You’ll be on your back in 30 minutes — or by the 15th commercial break. Perhaps that’s what Kara DioGuardi did? Except she confused a shot-shot for a shot of Botox.

Oh, Atlanta. Home of Coca Cola, Ted Turner, peach trees and the most horrible, dreadful, wretched airport in all the world.

Dewone Robinson
An “original” — Lady We’re Not Together Anymore

From his preview package (shot in the building!), you already know Dewone is gonna be a doozie. Dewone could have a stellar afro, and I know his pants are original Sansabelts. He also sounded marginally better in the elevator. Seriously. He did. It wasn’t like he was good, but I mean, he was better.

Personally, my hopes are buoyed by the scenes suggesting there may be some C.O.P.S. crossover action tonight.

:06 — :11
Commercial Break #1

:11 — :12
Take 3 shots. Hotlanta was utterd 3x.

Keia Johnson
My Heart Will Go On

So here’s what I wanna know — if Mary J. Blige is there, will the other judges still compare a contestant to her? Because every slender black girl who can sing obviously, reminds them of Mary J. Blige. Former pageant (Miss Congeniality) winner Keia reminds me of the actress/musician Cree Summer. She does voiceovers now, but she played Summer on A Different World. If you know Cree Summer, you get five points. I actually kind of dig Keia’s voice. She DOES have a nice smile. And nice hair. Plus, I sort of think everyone should just do as Mary J. says since, you know, she is Mary J. Blige.

PARDON THE INTERRUPTION FOR MARY J. BLIGE AWESOMENESS

QUICK SUCCESSION OF THREE VOCALLY-ADEPT FEMALES BECAUSE IDOL CANNOT HAVE A MALE WINNER FOR THE THIRD YEAR IN A ROW OR ELSE THE REST OF THE COUNTRY WILL FIND OUT ABOUT THE FRAUEN VOTE

Miriam Lemnouni
The Climb

Miriam reminds me of Season 5’s semi-finalist Ayla Brown, however, the most important thing you need to remember about Miriam is that she is listed as an equestrian trainer. If we see her again, she will forever be known as The Horse Girl. I can’t hate on her, though, even if I never liked horses and because she sang The Climb. She just sort of resembles…Nancy McKeon.

Noel Reese
That grating Whitney Houston song about closing one more door…If I Don’t Have You?

Not a fan of this song, but I guess her voice is passable? We won’t see her past Hollywood. She also is completely unable to pull off the braces a la Allison Iraheta.

Trisha Holland

Shit-For-Brains, Randy and Simon desperately wanted to tell her she reminded them of MARY J. BLIGE, but they can’t do that with MARY J. BLIGE sitting RIGHT THERE with an identical Coca-Cola cup as the rest of them. It almost killed them. Husky-voiced black chick with a bit of edge is standing there in front of them in HOTFRAKINGLANTA and they cannot tell her she reminds them of MARY J. BLIGE.

Night #2: Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi Immovable Forehead Watch

(Can you believe the beeyotch is even copying Paula Abdul’s exquisite costume jewelry collection? Yeah, well, lemme tell you something, Kara Pizon DioGuardi, just like her plated-copper cocktail ring said, Paula is a STAR. And you, my dear, are nothing but a SNAKE.)

Jermaine Sellers
One of Us

Awww, Jermaine’s mom has spinabifida. I totally dig CREATIVE sob stories. Spinabifida is not one we hear every day. The former church singer is actually gonna do Joan Osbourne (my favorite of hers may always be St. Theresa, in case you were wondering) and I’m okay with it even though Shit-For-Brains is all like, THAT IS A GREAT SONG. Jermaine actually delivers an unique take on the song, at least one I’ve never heard. I sort of love Jermaine. He has such a genuine smile! I can be such a sap for all things genuine, which I reflect upon when I see Jermaine run out into the world, passing a couple of Ford vehicles randomly parked near the audition space.

Christy Murray Agronow
Love Is A Battlefield

Wow. This 411 The Show chick is something else. No one is ever that naturally perky. No one. Definitely Lithium. So strange, really, she looks positively pained while signing. Constipated, perhaps. Alas. 411 The Show just got some national press, and Christy Marie obviously recovered enough to enjoy a romantical New Year’s Eve.

(Can anyone tell me why there are high school cheerleaders there? Oh, I see. Because some Twilight-looking girl tried out. Or do all the teenagers sort of look like that right now.

OMG DANA PLATO IS ALIVE? DANA PLATO, IS THAT YOU?

Vanessa Wolfe
Wagon Wheel

Idol sets this up pretty solidly, trailer park, hard-living, jumping off bridges into rivers and stuff. You know how I feel about Southern blonde chicks, but something about Vanessa Wolfe’s authenticity appeals to me, and frankly, there was enough evidence from when her hair was pulled back from her face that she is one helluva makeover away from being an attractive girl. I always root for the underdog and like Simon (he also used the same words I did), there IS something about this girl I just like. And I guarantee she’s not gonna look anything like Dana Plato once the Hollywood rounds begin. Oh yeah, and she’s already infinitely more likable and interesting than Kellie Pickler or Carrie Underwood.

My mom’s gonna have a heart attack.

Better keep her off those chittlins’, pork rinds and ham hocks then. (Come on! I had to make some southern fried trailer park joke! I’ve been feeling much too nice this episode. Oh, and why did she run off past all those Ford automobiles without shoes?)

Obviously, this episode has been way too successful thus far, so I’m already prepared for extreme displays of failures after the 5th commercial break (:33–:36). And suddenly, when we return to DAY TWO in Atlanta, my cheap shots at trailer trash seem to pale in comparison to Idol’s “cheap dramatization” of the next contestant’s life of near-death mishaps.

Jesse Hamilton
Garth Brooks Medley

In all honesty, was Idol satirizing its own obsession with sob stories? Because I can’t blame this country bumpkin’s desire to play upper to their tawdry attempts to tug at America’s heartstrings. While I can’t entirely blame Mary J. Blige for laughing, Shit-For-Brains is just a twat. And I suddenly fear we’re going to see Jesse Hamilton’s death as a news story 8 months from now. But maybe they’ll invite him back for the finale? I hear Garth Brooks is trying to make a comeback…how much do you wanna bet we see a duet in May?

CHEAP MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO WERE PROBABLY TALENTED AND DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT…commercial break #6 (:43 — :47)

Holly Harden aka The Human Guitar
You’re Not Woman Enough To Take My Man

Well, as soon as she opens her mouth I already loathe her, even if has a burgeoning CHILD OF QUATTO erupting from her left eyebrow.

I was like a guitar for Halloween, and like, everyone thought it was so cute…

Please oh please oh please oh please do not have a decent voice. Oh christ. She does. And I have no idea how this deep voice came out of this squeaky-voiced idiot who is trying to pull some Kellie Pickler (aka The Reason I Vowed to Never Again Watch Idol) stunt with the fried blonde hair and limited-by-fifth-grade standards vocabulary. Simon asks Mary J. Blige what she thinks.

I don’t get it.

Yeah, Mary J., neither do I. And I love you for SAYING NO. I LOVE YOU MARY J. BLIGE. LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW. Because even if they took her pathetic, guitar-costumed ass, you and me, Mary J., you and me knew what was up!

(Holly Harden = The most loathesome kind of female Idol contestant)

QUICK SUCCESSION OF FAILURE

Lathan Davenport
His name reminds me of Latarian Milton, my all-time favorite hood rat. Oh, Latarian, I miss you so.

Hansel Enriquez
Yes, apparently the more suitable drinking game for tonight’s presentation would be TAKE A SHOT WHENEVER YOU SEE A CONTESTANT WITH TEETH THE COLOR OF BILE. In any case, Hansel Enriquez is one of the more curious names I’ve ever heard. I’m guessing his family is from Central Brazil? No…Enriquez really isn’t Portuguese, hmmm…well now I’m just curious about his name.

Blake Smith
You’re so gay. You probably think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you? I know you sang Britney Spears but I kept thinking it. I mean, it’s not like I was making fun of you for being really gay, because I like gay, but you know, you are a dude in cutoff jean shorts wearing a t-shirt about Britney Spears changing your life so I’m just stating the obvious, throwing it out there…

Mallorie Haley
Piece of My Heart

While her voice is passable, Mallorie gets total points off for singing that inane country version of the Janis Joplin classic. Seriously. It’s really not even Piece of My Heart. If Janis hadn’t bought a bad batch of dope that night at the Landmark Motor Hotel, or if her dealer would have just checked it out beforehand, maybe… (8 other people died that night in Los Angeles from the same shit) and she were still alive today, she would never have allowed her masterpiece to be remade into such dreck. During Miss Haley’s performance, Shit-For-Brains is still unable to move her forehead and our girl Mary J. Blige looks exquisitely bored…

So I’m surprised she says it was the best vocal she’s heard. I think she is kidding. I have no idea what the judges seen in this girl, because she was just kind of blah. And she looks like she rolled out of bed hungover. She’s not unlikable, like, I don’t hate the girl and I’m sure she could sing something else…better? But I’m a bit sad when she gets the KRIS ALLEN’S COME UNDONE soundtrack as she walks out the door.

Antonio “Skii Bo Ski” Wheeler (aka Skiiboski)
I Heard It Through the Grapevine

Would it be bad of me to say that I’m sort of love the Skiboski? He’s like the southern black version of Mike Sorrentino — aka The Situation! Skiiboski is actually a fairly tight vocalist…and an even BETTER songwriter!

(Check out Ice Cream Pimp Skii Bo Ski!)

It’s a package deal, because I’m like the dollar store…because even with the dollar store, you can have everything you want. And in one package. And it ain’t gonna cost you more than one dollar.

Who else wants Skiiboski and The Situation? It would be the best. show. ever.

(I have a feeling Idol is loading up the slate with TALENTED TAN MEN this year because that deters the frauen vote. Frauen vote for young white men, this is a fact. The more black dudes, the more likely they are to get a female winner this year. It’s a sad, sad truth and I hate it.)

Lauren Sanders (Brunette) and Carmen Turner (Blonde) aka The BFFs

Whoa. Hello. Whose going to Shit-For-Brains Dermatologist at way too young of ages? Well, at least we found out why all the others who tried out in Atlanta were deprived of teeth whitening products — these biddies (er, BFFs!) have been hogging the entire state supply! Okay…I’m going to be a bit shallow for a second. The brunette with the butt chin and the eyes too close together is clearly going to always play second banana to the more conventionally “cute” blond. And her vocals are subpar. Oh, poor second banana girl. Always just not as good…Carmen, the blonde, has a most-obnoxious, over-the-top voice. Vocally stronger, of course, but she’s a wailer. She yells notes. And the “newfound” strain in their friendship is apparent by commercial break #8 or #9 (1:09–1:12)

FEMALE FAILURE MOMENTS IN ATLANTA…ok, I did like it when the one chick quietly muttered, do ri me fa sol la ti do…

Brian Walker aka Officer Friendly or Cop Rock
Superstar

I’m going to actually sing Superstar in the style of Ruben Studdard.

Now THAT’S something you don’t hear on Idol very often these days. Hey, I know Office Friendly does R&B, but can I PLEASE still call him Cop Rock? And since I’ve already used Powder…Randy loves the “fakeout”, as he sings nothing like he looks. But does it really count if you get a ticket to Hollywood when Simon ISN’T sitting there? Hell, why not. Cop Rock protects, serves and SINGS.

(Wait…I thought someone was gonna get arrested this episode. But there’s just a singing cop who got a ticket to Hollywood. Booo!)

Lamar Royal
Kiss From a Rose

Another solid name. Wow. It’s gotta hurt to sing like that. And why are in the inmates running the asylum? Oh yeah. Because Simon hates his job and is counting the days until it ends. Because he hates you, Kara DioGuardi. Lamar keeps freaking out and starts singing when Randy and Shit-For-Brains try talking to him. The only thing that gets him to shit up is when the strong yet soothing voice of Mary J. Blige comes in and…uh oh. Lamar Royal is pissed. Hey, the were actually trying to give him constructive criticism, alas. You make a scene, you get escorted out the door. (Of course, points to Lamar for screaming epithets about Shit-For-Brains on his way out.

THE MOMENT WE’VE APPARENTLY ALL BEEN WAITING FOR…THE CRAZY OLD DUDE GETS TO COME IN AND SING

Well, I don’t know about you, but I can already tell that Larry Platt is gonna be a HERO LEGEND. WAIT! Larry Platt IS already a HERO LEGEND!

I’m gonna sing my song called Pants on the Ground

General Larry Platt
Pants on the Ground

Thank you, General Larry Platt, for giving us the first truly memorable moment of American Idol’s Season 9.

Lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground.

OMG. This song is brilliant. And this senior citizen just did the splits. I think I’m in love. I love you crazy old guy. I love the fact you will be on the finale and that now, and that you already have over 40,000 fans of your song on Facebook. Okay, Larry Platt. You are awesome. And that song, hell, that song was just fraking brilliant. But if singing that song was how I would learn who the hell you are.

The home-page photograph for this website shows six singers. I am the young man (16 years old) on the left looking at the camera.

We had come by bus in 1963 to a church in Savannah, Georgia to plan a march to desegregate the city. Reverend Hosea Williams and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. were our leaders. That particular planned march was canceled and we were singing to raise our spirits before returning home.

This photograph was published in the following book: The Civil Rights Movement: A Photographic History, 1954-1968 by Steven Kasher (New York: Abbeville Press, 1996), p. [100], with the caption “Singing at a Rally, Savannah, Georgia, 1963, Kenneth Thompson [photographer]”. The picture is part of the fourth chapter which summarizes events in 1963, particularly in Birmingham, Alabama.

Although not yet a published author, I have been active in the civil rights movement all these years and have many stories to share.

Atlanta = 25 (Really? That’s it? Seemed like more. But I have a better idea: How about someone publishes that book Larry Platt wants to write? I would like to hear his stories.)

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85 Comments leave one →
  1. January 20, 2010 7:44 am

    Also.
    Kara so reminds me of those desperate wannabe kids in high school who know they’re never going to be cool enough or contribute anything to society ever. She’s sucking up to MJB so badly I want to smash her face in.

  2. January 20, 2010 7:30 am

    Simon looks like he’s gonna cut someone.
    I would have cut that Christy Marie chick, too.

  3. deez permalink
    January 14, 2010 9:49 pm

    No way (from VFTW) Alex Wagner-Trugman:

  4. wino permalink
    January 14, 2010 8:39 pm

    okay, after two shows….

    I dont miss Paula. Actually glad I could hear Simon bytch without Paula’s drunken (fake, pre-scripted) interuptions.

    I still hate the guest judge idea as they bring nothing to the table

    Randy is still the most non entity ever on a tv show. He just takes up space …at least with Kara we can make fun of her botox usage or her mannerisms, but Randy? Nothing dawg, nothing.

    I never see anyone in the audition rounds that I LOVE. And a lot of people I do like usually burn and crash in Hollywood. Thus these episodes really bring nothing to the table. (much like Randy).

    I am enjoying the pimpage Kris is receiving…..Ford commerical, song playing in montages and of course his face right smack in the center of the Idol promo poster behind the contestants.

    The producers are tyring too hard to showcase the ladies…..And after Randy’s public comments that the girls are stronger this year, it comes as no surprise. TPTB are already working on a story angle. They want a girl to win, period. Which means I’ll be turned off and might end up voting for a guy.

    Unless…hick Vanessa makes it through to the top 24. I like this chick and Im happy when I see folks like her get a chance in the business.

  5. kevlar permalink
    January 14, 2010 8:22 pm

    Justin Williams is gay and Skiboski has a rap sheet a mile long.

  6. Smartie permalink
    January 14, 2010 8:21 pm

    I love Mary J. They should apologise to her for putting her through that shit, and using her to humiliate people.

  7. Full Tilt permalink
    January 14, 2010 8:00 pm

    You’re right, auntieaimee. I kind of enjoy hearing Boston accents though. And hate that because we Southerners have a little twang, we are perceived to be stupid. It doesn’t help when people go on national TV and reinforce that stereotype.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 14, 2010 8:02 pm

      Is Idol trying to directly target its bread & butter audience or make fun of it?

  8. Sarah permalink
    January 14, 2010 7:56 pm

    Jermaine is from my hometown! I hope he goes far so we have someone other than Andy Dick and the Adreinne Curry to bring dignity back to our town’s list of famous people.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 14, 2010 8:01 pm

      You’ve had some notables living there, though…Wasn’t Manuel Noreiga in the Supermax? πŸ˜‰

      • Sarah permalink
        January 15, 2010 8:43 pm

        Haha…yes we do have those celebrities too…but they don’t get out much for the photogs…

        • jukejoint permalink
          January 15, 2010 8:59 pm

          Hey, Joliet’s got a claim on John Barrowman. (He went to Joliet West, whose colors were black and yellow when I was young, making their athletes and cheerleaders look like bumblebees.) Anyway, if you have John Barrowman, you have everything you need.

          (Not going to mention Robert Novak.)

  9. auntieaimee permalink
    January 14, 2010 6:57 pm

    Speaking of accents, I winced during the Boston auditions a couple of times (and I’m from here). I don’t think any area has a lock on sounding dumb.

  10. notarding permalink
    January 14, 2010 6:03 pm

    ok wait doesnt Idol have some sorta rule against criminals. Didnt they kick people off the show for less!?!?!

    O.K. as for the accents you can call southerners dumb hicks all u want. I’m from Michigan! HA! But yes, there are people who talk like 4$ dress girl here in the great state of texas! I know some may think it is fake, i dunno about those chicks, but my ex was a good ole country boy from east texas and he talked like that. Yee haw!!!!!!

    Look, lets all face it. This is the Decade of the Frau. They have taken over. Chicks don’t stand a chance this year or no year. AI ceased to be a real show since Mantasia won.

    • jukejoint permalink
      January 14, 2010 8:36 pm

      I think the people they’ve booted in the past had current criminal troubles, not old. The guy that George Huff replaced got a DUI between Hollywood week and Top 24 (or however many finalists they had that year). I don’t remember what the Brittenums did. Oh, wait? Credit card theft? So they were disqualified that season, and then got to come back and compete the next one! Corey Clark, I think, was accused of beating up his sister, and he had to leave Idol to go to court. But there was a girl (they called her Paybee, but I don’t remember her real name — Trenyce?) with shoplifting in her past, and she didn’t have to leave. Or Scott Savol. I’m pretty sure he had a rap sheet, too, for some kind of domestic violence.

      • jukejoint permalink
        January 14, 2010 8:40 pm

        (I looked up what the Brittenum Bros did, and apparently it was identity theft and forgery.)

        • TopIdol permalink
          January 14, 2010 8:55 pm

          Were they trying to masquerade as the Twirl Twins from ANTM?

      • Mithra permalink
        January 14, 2010 8:42 pm

        Oh yeah, and Jess Langswhatever had a DUI, and that Emily whaterherface with the pink hair last season (rocker chick with the band wanting to tour Europe) was booted in Hollywood but was due to wear an ankle bracelet for I think a DUI also. Plus Shyamali Malakar was a minor but was busted for the pot farm (Sanjaya was dumped at an aunt’s, so he never was charged.) I’m sure there are many cases and they take it case by case.

    • Mithra permalink
      January 14, 2010 8:36 pm

      They kicked off that guy Thomas Daniels in season six for a DUI I think it was. I think lying about it in the interviewing process may be an issue also.

  11. Full Tilt permalink
    January 14, 2010 5:56 pm

    I have a feeling Skiboski will not survive Hollywood with that rap sheet. How can they justify keeping him after they booted those twins with some kind of rap sheet a few years ago? I did think he had a voice but was making way too much of an effort to sex up Kara (barf) and Mary J. Not to keep beating the Vanessa horse, but I’ve lived in TN all my life (Knoxville, which is not quite Nashville or Memphis but very few hicks here). However, my MIL moved here from Alabama over 50 years ago, and she still has a Southern drawl you could cut with a knife. However, she’d never say aeroplane, nor do I know anyone who would. Surely the girl has graduated from high school. I call bullshit on the editing monkeys of Idol, they’re always pulling shit like this. I just hope they don’t turn her into a walking, talking joke for their own purposes.

  12. Lakshmi permalink
    January 14, 2010 5:12 pm

    According to TMZ, Skiiboski has a rap sheet that’s longer than my arm. The highlights:

    March 2005: Possession of cannabis with intent to distribute, possession of cocaine, escape, and two counts resisting an officer without violence.

    November 2005: Ten counts of contempt of court, providing false ID to law enforcement officer, escape during transport, resisting officer without violence, possession of cocaine and battery by detainee in detention facility.

    February 2007: Possession of controlled substance of less than 10 grams, providing false ID to law enforcement officer, resisting officer without violence, escape.

    August 2008: Violation of probation, driving while license suspended, no registration.

    December 2009: Contempt of court.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 14, 2010 6:28 pm

      We all make mistakes.

      • Lakshmi permalink
        January 14, 2010 11:14 pm

        That’s true, but I think the intent to distribute charge will be too much for America to take. Pity, because I liked him.

  13. deez permalink
    January 14, 2010 4:25 pm

    His pants are on the wall..lol:

  14. LeighKat permalink
    January 14, 2010 2:40 pm

    Didn’t watch for fear of being lobotomized. Thanks for the great recap.
    My mother called me immediately after “Pants on the Ground” and said this man is gonna be a star! He had her at “Pants” apparently- so thanks for the link cause it seems that was the only thing that was good last night.

    Your observations on “Tan Male Contestants” is so right on point! Rueben probably had an edge because of the “cuddly teddybear” spin.

    • Mithra permalink
      January 14, 2010 3:34 pm

      Was Ruben frau bait though? I don’t know because I wasn’t watching then. I think he may have been deemed cuddly and safe, which is different than frau bait.

      deez,

      I think part of it is the good old AI edit. MJ pointed out something that I sort of caught then soon forgot because of info overload (just as they plan it… πŸ˜‰ ) – Vanessa sang another song, and it must have been non country because they said they prefer her as country. This show is highly edited and manipulated of course. If I wanted to sit and watch it again I or anyone else could go through each segment with a fine tooth comb and find plenty more examples.

      • TopIdol permalink
        January 14, 2010 3:46 pm

        I think Ruben was the last non-frau contestants, like when the show was still “cool” (it was never cool, but…new and exciting, perhaps?). Of course, some season 2 lessons still ring true, even though both were southern contestants. I think Ruben’s win just made the frauen MORE rabid and more determined.

        I never watched until season 4, though, so I’m just speculating based on the fine knowledge I’ve picked up in the nearly 2 years of writing this shit blog.

        • auntieaimee permalink
          January 14, 2010 4:05 pm

          The frau contingent was behind Clay, though, weren’t they? Another gay guy… I sense a pattern here….

          • deez permalink
            January 14, 2010 4:12 pm

            Let’s see if we can determine which semi-ambiguously gay guy they will tard over this year. Unambiguously gay (Nate Marshall) doesn’t qualify. .. only Adam and Clay types, which (for the frauen at least) there may be some question about. We should have him pegged by Hollywood week.

            • auntieaimee permalink
              January 14, 2010 5:15 pm

              I think it’s the Mormon with the male stripper vibe.

        • Smartie permalink
          January 14, 2010 8:23 pm

          Ruben had frau too

          • jukejoint permalink
            January 14, 2010 8:37 pm

            He had Oprah, the biggest frau of all.

  15. Full Tilt permalink
    January 14, 2010 1:22 pm

    I never got the Sanjaya love either. I thought he was about annoying as a human being can be and couldn’t sing to boot. It wasn’t my intent to be mean about Vanessa from Vonore, but I found her excessive hickiness to be well, excessive. I live about 30 miles from Vonore and NO ONE from here (that I know) talks that way. I just thought she was over-doing it. And as someone above said, she made Bucky seem totally unhicky, and though I loved Bucky, he was pretty hicky!

    Guitar Girl was also majorly annoying and just a retread of Kellie Pickler who always got on my last nerve (actually she still does). Sometimes I wish they’d quit with the backstories and extended long-ass interviews because it actually detracts from the question of whether or not the person can actually sing.

    • deez permalink
      January 14, 2010 1:59 pm

      I always wonder how much of the hick thing is real. I know these people still exist, but honestly…HOW? C’MON…it’s not like they don’t have access to books, schools, TV and internet. Yeah, there are probably no theatres or museums in Vonore…but that degree of cluelessness just seems almost impossible. I’ve been to Tennessee and met no-one who acted or talked like that. (Granted…the places I’ve been to were Memphis and Nashville, so maybe not a fair representation either)

      • notarding permalink
        January 14, 2010 2:14 pm

        You’ve got to be kidding me? Do all you guys live in the east or west coast??? I live in Texas, the dallas area and let me tell you, I know people that have a southern drawl. Maybe not as bad as 4 dollar dress girl, but almost. Not everyone mind you but some. It’s hard to lose the accent when everyone in your family and town talk like you. I have several co-workers that are from Tennessee and North Carolina and they have a serious southern twang and I work at a major company.

        Memphis and Nashville are major cities, I’m talking about people from small towns in the country.

        pants on the ground was greatness. skiboski was greatness, but yeah I agree. We all know Idol is rigged due to the Frau vote. I predict again this year that no matter what, we will STILL have a white male winner.

        • TopIdol permalink
          January 14, 2010 2:17 pm

          Especially when you factor in how much more determined they get with every passing year. Men of color don’t stand a chance. There will likely be another female winner before a black dude.

          But wait…isn’t this the last season anyway? I expect the frauen to put out all the stops.

        • deez permalink
          January 14, 2010 4:05 pm

          Notarding, I didn’t mean the southern drawl, you can have any sort of accent and be a genius and/or sophisticated trend-setter. I’m referring to the down-right clueless hickishness. (AEROPLANE? really? I can understand never having flown before. I hate airplanes myself, but she sounded as if she thought it was some sort of newfangled contraption)

          I don’t mean to be dismissive of her, and I understand that there are a lot of people who believe that the Mason-Dixon line is some sort of intellectual force-field…that wasn’t my intent. I remember reading comments after Kris won, like “He won b/c he’s from Arkansas. They are all related from marrying their sisters, so of course all his family voted for him.” ….”I wonder if he screws farm animals, that’s what they do down South for fun. I saw it on the news, they REALLY do that.” ….(MMMMHHHMMM. sure you did)

          Oh and there was a debate on which state had the most hicks. The consensus was Arkansas with Alabama a close second. Of course none of these people had ever been to either place (which they admitted) but they didn’t need to go there to know the facts, since it was so obvious, lol.

          Anyway. Country is fine, I just think some of the cluelessness was fake. But like Mithra said…it could’ve been due to editing.

          • on the edge permalink
            January 14, 2010 6:09 pm

            Thank you Deez, for representing and pointing that out. I was infuriated with Idol last night, and even felt sorry for the poor redneck kid from Anniston. He didn’t deserve that treatment. As someone from the Deep South I have to deal with the whole in-bred, KKK, mouthbreathing, no-shoes stereotype every day. Of course, when my beloved Alabama wins the national championship and they send the trophy on a WALMART tour, it doesn’t help matters.

            • deez permalink
              January 14, 2010 8:21 pm

              On the edge, Congrats to the Tide! (Crappy game, but they won…so all is good)
              (I’ve been to AL, as well…Huntsville…I thought it was a pretty nice town…once again, I met no inbred bumpkins)

          • kimberly permalink
            January 14, 2010 6:47 pm

            The mother sounded pretty cliche, instead of butterflies, she had frogs in her belly. Even my 12 year old daughter rolled her eyes at aeroplane, but it didn’t seem put on to me. Dirt-poor and totally backwoods to me, even with the nose-piercing, which I admit made me wonder a bit. We have our own version in the rural areas up North.

            • Mithra permalink
              January 14, 2010 8:28 pm

              even with the nose-piercing, which I admit made me wonder a bit.

              Rural area kids have been copycatting pop culture trends in real time ever since they got MTV and cable out there in the early ’80s, and even more so with the internet. It doesn’t matter that the only radio stations they can pick up just play country pop crap, oldies, and Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura. A good example of rural white trash with piercings is the Juggalos. Google them. ONTD has some fabulously hilarious and disturbing posts around once a month on these creatures.

              • TopIdol permalink
                January 14, 2010 8:53 pm

                I figure everyone has some link to the outside world, satellite TV, the internet…its pretty hard to live under a rock even in the sticks these days.

    • Mithra permalink
      January 14, 2010 3:00 pm

      By annoying, you mean entertaining, right? πŸ™‚ I’m feeling like I’m in the mailbag or scaryboards circa 2007 right about now πŸ˜‰

      Vanessa struck me as the real deal, and I lived as a an outsider in a very rural area, so I’m not defensive about anything. In fact, one thing I noticed that the folks who have a bit more money (as in lower middle/middle class) are some of the most prejudiced people I’ve ever seen.

      I LOVED Larry Platt and the Pants on the Ground. Part of me winced though because it’s so staged and phoney with AI, like the We are Brothers thing last year. They have the subtlty of a sledgehammer, but I guess they need to to get through to their core audience.

      • TopIdol permalink
        January 14, 2010 3:36 pm

        I agree with your statements about sledgehammers, but at least we now know who this guy his and a little bit about his life. Extraordinary, really. And frankly, I walk by idiots all the damn time who need to pull their pants up.

        I’ll tard over Larry Platt any day.

        • Mithra permalink
          January 14, 2010 3:54 pm

          So will I! While I was watching it I couldn’t help but think of a most hilarious example I saw a few months ago, when it was still warm enough not to wear a coat. I was at the local chain grocery store after 1:00AM – when the night manager plays stuff like “I Wanna Be Sedated” instead of the typical top 40 muzak, and everyone is going for last minute alcohol stops. This guy in front of me was amazing. As he walked away with his 24 pack of some cheap assed piss water beer, everyone in the store, including the cashier, moved to the aile and watched and giggled. The guy had some sort of preternatural force keeping his pants up, because I swear they were right under his butt, and he was wearing tight pink briefs. He would do a little tug here and there, but I have no freakin idea how his pants were not on the ground…

          • deez permalink
            January 14, 2010 4:08 pm

            Why doesn’t my grocery store play The Ramones? 😦

          • jukejoint permalink
            January 14, 2010 8:19 pm

            In my neck of the woods, two guys tried to rob a bank by walking up to the drive-through lane, showing a gun and demanding money. The bank employee immediately called the cops, and the guys ran away (still on foot). The police caught them about half a block from the bank, because they couldn’t keep their pants up while running, and they tripped and fell down. Both of them. Hoist with their own pants.

            • TopIdol permalink
              January 14, 2010 8:52 pm

              Now that’s really looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.

  16. Trish permalink
    January 14, 2010 12:33 pm

    I must be a horrible bitch, but I thought that Larry Platt routine was boring and a waste of time — although I think he’s an awesome dude.

    • Trish permalink
      January 14, 2010 12:36 pm

      And 62 does not a “senior citizen” make! The General is younger than Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney (who are seniors), so let’s not patronize the guy. He’s just a year or two older than The Boss.

      • Lakshmi permalink
        January 14, 2010 12:49 pm

        Well, 62 is the earliest possible retirement age to begin collecting Social Security and 62-yr-olds get discount tickets at my local movie theater, so I think the General is a senior.

      • TopIdol permalink
        January 14, 2010 2:02 pm

        I was actually just using it as another way to describe him, but I may be wrong, as I was going by the age one is when they start receiving Social Security or the AARP magazine.

        So it wasn’t like, he’s old! Not at all. I was just trying to be more “colorful” and engaging.

  17. auntieaimee permalink
    January 14, 2010 11:32 am

    Way to represent, Atlanta. The best ones were the old guy and the cop that looked like Buddy Lee. That best friend with the dark hair seriously creeped me out. She looked like a ventriloquist’s dummy. *shudder*

    • deez permalink
      January 14, 2010 12:25 pm

      Buddy Lee, lol. The BFF chick was odd looking. It’s like someone threw a bag of mis-matched face parts out there. (I know that’s mean…)

    • on the edge permalink
      January 14, 2010 3:39 pm

      I’m going to be a meanie for a second. Those two BFFs? I guarantee, the brunette has always played second fiddle to the blonde. Sorry, but facial-feature wise she’s not attractive, and if you scrubbed both their faces of that paint the blonde would still be more attractive (not because she’s blonde, mind you; I contend you could dye her hair brown, red or blue and she’d STILL be prettier). Brunette BFF probably is either the third wheel on dates or is stuck with Blondie’s boyfriend’s weird cousin on double date night. She dresses like her “BFF” because she wants to be just like her, but never will. Even personality-wise I felt like they didn’t “act alike” so much as she was trying to act like her prettier blonder friend. And only slightly, but the blonde has a better voice. Last night was the breaking point for those two, and Brunette BFF is TOTALLY sleeping with her “BFF’s” guy while Blondie’s in Hollywood.

      • TopIdol permalink
        January 14, 2010 5:27 pm

        HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

        You said it more bluntly than I did. Nice job.

      • kimberly permalink
        January 14, 2010 6:33 pm

        I don’t know if it was the make-up or what, but the brunette looked cross-eyed at times, making her look deranged. They both were weird to me, but the blonde did sing okay.

  18. kimberly permalink
    January 14, 2010 11:23 am

    I was surprised by the Mallorie – Mary J. love myself. She was good, but not that good. Glad I wasn’t alone in that. I liked Vanessa and I actually think they packaged it well. When Vanessa said, “I don’t want them to look down on me”, along with, “What’s life without a few risks”, I knew this country girl had something to offer.

    Jermaine Sellers stood out for me, too. I loved the soft, smooth vocals. Great control and nice tone. Something connected there for me.

    I hope Katie Stevens from CT has a long run just because she’s from CT. My daughter’s planning on the TOP 3 parade, a wish she voiced before IDOL started this year. It looks like a girl’s year, so my daughter just might get her wish.

  19. Nicole permalink
    January 14, 2010 10:43 am

    “(I have a feeling Idol is loading up the slate with TALENTED TAN MEN this year because that deters the frauen vote. Frauen vote for young white men, this is a fact. The more black dudes, the more likely they are to get a female winner this year. It’s a sad, sad truth and I hate it.”)

    So sad but so true. 😦

    • Mithra permalink
      January 14, 2010 11:16 am

      Yeah, that’s a good observation. There have been exceptions with the “tan” frau bait, but it’s usually caucasion “tans” πŸ˜‰ Sanjaya was MAJOR frau bait, and I think Anoop got a little bit of it too. The only black guy who had it was Jamar, but it was mainly through association with frau magnet Gokey I suspect.

      It’s interesting that they are yet again pushing a female this year. Maybe they have finally figured out that over invested/entitled frau core fanbase = ultimate disaster for the “beloved” and their bottom line?

      • auntieaimee permalink
        January 14, 2010 12:10 pm

        Sanjaya as frau bait totally baffles me. He seemed so immature and so gay. Do not get it at all.

        • deez permalink
          January 14, 2010 12:26 pm

          Well….obviously GAY is no deterrent to frauen. It just makes them try harder.

          • Mithra permalink
            January 14, 2010 2:46 pm

            Plus, they have some sort of gadarindenial thing going on. There is no way in hell that the sparkle cows thought Adam was gay until it became too obvious or when he finally SAID it. They then had to become new gay activists and hope for “bi-curious” moments.

            • Mithra permalink
              January 14, 2010 2:49 pm

              Oh yeah, and immature? At least he acted and looked his (under)age. What was really weird was the legion of 60+ year old women cooing about Gaspy Archuleta’s “bulge” in his pants. Is there a hurl emoticon here? It’s like they formed a female chapter of NAMBLA.

            • TopIdol permalink
              January 14, 2010 3:25 pm

              Because they were too dense to figure it out when he sang an acoustic version of Cher’s Believe.

        • auntieaimee permalink
          January 14, 2010 3:14 pm

          C’mon, man, I just ate. I do not need to be thinking about grandmas salivating over Archie’s 12 year old peen. Bleurgh.

  20. Kathy permalink
    January 14, 2010 7:34 am

    Great recap as always. I also was disappointed as I thought an episode was going to break out in the middle of an American Idol Audition. Oh well. I get 5 points. Cree Summer is everywhere. Susie on Rugrats is my fave. Or Elmyra.I liked Jermaine a lot.

    411 chick made me want to stab her with a fork so she’d be done. I admit Vanessa tugged at my heartstrings. I can’t wait to see what a stylist does to her. She kind of was like the girl Bucky. Although she even made him seem not hicky. And mock all you want fellow readers, but I have always had a soft spot for Bucky lol Then again I live in the south and can tolerate country music.

    The minute that Holly gal walked in I thought oh no. I recognized her. Luckily not from knowing her personally but from having seen her beg the judges to make it through on another talent competition. America’s Got Talent.

    TI I warn you, this Holly video may push you over the edge.

    And if that didn’t do it this surely will….

    Skii Bo ski had a great voice.

    The general is going to be rich, I agree. I can’t get that out of my head. And wow. What a life. “When he tells you to get your pants off the ground, you’d best listen.”

  21. January 14, 2010 6:40 am

    OMG.
    LARRY PLATT?!?!
    THAT’S THE NAME OF A WELL-KNOWN GYNECOLOGIST IN MY COMMUNITY!
    I KID YOU NOT!
    THE MAN DELIVERED DEMI MOORE’S BABIES!
    AND NOW HIS BLACK NAMESAKE IS GOING AROUND SINGING ABOUT PANTS!
    HAAAAHAHAAAA!

  22. deez permalink
    January 14, 2010 3:21 am

    PANTS ON THE GROUND IS ALREADY GETTING COVERED ON YOUTUBE LOL!!

  23. blacklisted permalink
    January 14, 2010 3:16 am

    I’ve don’t watch AI and this doesn’t make me want to start.

  24. deez permalink
    January 14, 2010 2:32 am

    Haha… I feel vindicated! I thought Skii Bo ski was awesome. I’m glad I don’t have to keep my mouth shut for fear of ridicule. Lol. Of course, I may end up hating him later….but as of now, I love him.

    Pants on the ground…hahaha OMG, I can’t get it out of my head. He’s gonna be a gazillionaire.
    Glad to hear all the other stuff, I just thought he was a random crazy homeless dude. Good for the General.

  25. Full Tilt permalink
    January 14, 2010 2:22 am

    The girl from Vonore, TN? Was freaking horrific! Was it up with letting these subpar people through, I’d like to know? And I thought the black chick who sung Celine (which I thought was strictly forbidden BTW) was none too great either. I don’t care if she was Miss Congeniality or not! Seriously, they are sending through a lot of bad singers. Larry Pratt should just be declared the American Idol for Season 9 right now and let’s be done with this nonsense!

    • Trish permalink
      January 14, 2010 12:32 pm

      I liked her! And she actually sang a good song. Love me some Old Crow Medicine Show.

  26. jukejoint permalink
    January 14, 2010 1:26 am

    I think Larry Platt could get a role in a company of The Full Monty anytime he wanted. Although he might not be willing to drop trou, since that means his pants would be on the ground and all.

  27. on the edge permalink
    January 14, 2010 1:23 am

    Seeing tweets saying that Larry Platt is actually a recognized community and civil rights activist in Atlanta. Off to do some research on the validity of those statements.

    And LOVE “Pants on the Ground.” Want follow ups titled “Texting in the Car” and “Talking Loudly on your Cell in Public.”

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 14, 2010 1:28 am

      I just updated my post. Larry Platt is (excuse my language) FUCKING AWESOME. Wow. What an incredible man. Learning about him and the little bit I now know about his life is probably one of the best things to happen from watching American Idol.

    • cimi permalink
      January 14, 2010 3:19 am

      I second the “talking loudly on your cell” in public. Seriously–if it’s not interesting, I don’t wanna hear it! And. it’s. not. interesting.

      Nice job TI. So far sparkly eyed codlzilla guy is the only one that moved me.

  28. pattyluponey permalink
    January 14, 2010 1:13 am

    Is it bad that the only memorable audition for me was the General? Season 9…you are making me sad.

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