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The Windy City blew all the frau bait away! American Idol Season 9 Chicago Auditions

January 20, 2010

Tonight, American Idol visits Chicago avec un juge de l’utilisateur, Shania Twain. (Hey, she’s Canadian…and lives/lived in Switzerland, so it seemed right. She obviously also accepted the gig to get some press after she caught her husband, Mutt Lange, banging his/their assistant.) Personally, they’re in Chicago. Why the hell didn’t they call Peter fraking Cetera?

After the most pro-Obama 60 seconds I’ve ever witness on a Rupert Murdoch-owned/affiliated network and the obligatory Sinatra soundtrack, tonight’s shit show begins. With judges-in-limos-arriving-on-the-scene, of course.

I actually spent a couple of hours watching a Shania Twain Biography one day and frankly, she’s pretty damn likable, however Still the One and I Feel Like a Woman are arguably unforgivable offenses.

Katelyn Epperly
Milk & Honey(?)

So this chick’s father obviously started banging some other woman who wasn’t her mother. Way to air some dirty laundry on TV in the hopes of getting a Golden Ticket, people! (Question: Did you have her bleach her hair FOR the Idol audition?) As far as sob stories go, Danny Gokey really set the bar last season. Wow. Katelyn just keeps milking her asshat Dad walking out on them, doesn’t she? THANKS A LOT, GOKEY.

She sings some Duffy song. Duffy. I wanted to like her but then I saw her perform on SNL. She was such shit live that I couldn’t stomach anymore. It made me cry even more for my darling Winehouse. The judges spout off some [scripted] bullshit not even worth noting. As per usual, Kara “Shit-For-Brains” DioGuardi sounds like a complete moron. And I’m just wondering what model Katelyn Epperly’s father traded in her mother for. Hey, they’re the ones who put their sob story out there.

(First commercial break — :08)

So Seacrest says something about their next contestant…Broadway Baby…

And then I see something which indicates no good can come from this. EVER.

Amy Lang
Dr. Feelgood (Aretha, not Crue)

Pardon me for a moment while I continue to be disturbed.

Although Amy Lang has already dry humped Ryan Seacrest before even facing the judges, regardless of what happens…(Come on! Only overweight black women ever make it through. Sad but oh so true.) I must give her credit for…

Is this a singing show? Nobody told me.

Uh oh. She’s come undone. Homegirl fainted? NO! Just kidding! It was part of oh…OMG…Amy can do things with her breasts Mariah Carey only wishes. Shit-For-Brains calls it boob boxing. Honestly, Amy and her boob flexing wasn’t the worst singing I’ve ever heard. And if they love the ones they can makeover, Amy was a seriously pretty girl. They would probably send her to Carrie Underwood for starvation tips, though, and that just ain’t cool.

Charity Vance

I already loathe you. Your name is more sickening sweet than lemon merangue. Plus, Pearl Cream sang Summertime for his audition during Season 2 and they told him he had a beautiful voice but was “too Broadway” and asked him to sing a pop song. He didn’t know any. He didn’t make it and he can sing, therefore, I know their decision was based only on the fact Idol is anti-gaysian.

I can’t believe she is only 16.

Gag me. Yup, Idol, keep stacking the decks with mediocre young white girls in a futile effort to prove the frauen aren’t the voting and ticket-buying majority.

Shut up.

(2nd Commercial Break — :18)

This just in…the DILF aka Scott Brown aka American Idol Season 5 contestant Ayla Brown’s dad won the senate seat. I did not vote for him. I am not pleased. Therefore, I did not pay much attention to the MONTAGE OF FAILED SINGERS. The subsequent parade of people who probably were really, really good but did not make it always makes me sad, too.

Angela Martin
Just Fine

It’s her third audition. It’s her last chance. Even a cold-hearted bitch like myself can’t not root for Angela Martin. I like the underdogs. Her father died. She has a sick daughter. She had a court date (aka warrant) she had to leave the competition for…hey, there are some sob stories I can get behind. Plus, it’s all in how you frame your sob story, ya know? I don’t see Angela Martin making hand shapes. Angela Martin even auditions with a Mary J. Blige song and I’m okay with it. Go Angela Martin! Plus, she’s adorable and has great legs!

(3rd commercial break — :28)

So 12,000 people showed up to Chicago to audition for American Idol. 12,000. Holy hell.

Curley Newburn
I love Curley, mainly because you can tell he truly feels the music by the way he closes his eyes. He also wears all white, which means he is one of the good guys. The judges, naturally, are mortified and Kara DioGuardi’s forehead still refuses to move. Shania’s Botox person does it sooooooooo much better. Shit-For-Brains should really get their number.

Alannah Halbert
I Will Always Love You
That song + That voice + Natural cuteness and effervescence = This must be a joke (also indicated by some definite fashion sense on Miss Halbert’s part)

Brian Krause
Tiptoe Through the Tulips — Tiny Tim’s Theme Song!

Being in the army is very depressing…

So Brian was in the military. While he was stationed in Korea, Brian got in trouble whenever he would sing while in uniform.

Even before Brian opens his mouth to sing Tiny Tim’s signature number, Tiptoe Through the Tulips, I already love him for the simple fact he reminds me of Vincent D’Onofrio’s brilliant Pvt. Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.

I love this guy. He is a comedic genius. I so wonder whether or not he was honorably or dishonorably discharged.

Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?

Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. But if you’ve seen Full Metal Jacket, you totally get it! I just know it!

(4th commercial break — :38)

Harold Davis
I want to believe that American Idol is attempting to be more than a TV show for average white Americans, however, I know the truth. I know they’re just trying to stack the deck so that a white girl wins this season. We can totally blame both Gokey and the Glamberatti for the single-minded, dogged determination on 19 Entertainment’s part. We’re now onto the second week of audition shows and I can count the number of frau bait on one hand.

Meanwhile, Kara DioGuardi’s forehead still has not moved.

Harold leaves in tears, somewhere in the realm of fake or real,  but I still don’t understand what wisdom the judges may have imparted on him which would make Randy Jackson believe Harold learned a lot from his audition. Then again, Randy wears a plastic watch with a diamond-encrusted dial as big as Kara DioGuardi’s monthly Botox bill.

Chantelle Graczkowski, a white girl who shops at Torrid, leads the evening’s second MONTAGE OF FAILED SINGERS. This was obvious from before she even sang a single note, given that big white girls on American Idol are even a rarer occurrence than…

John Park
I already love John Park. Why, you ask? He is EDUCATED (Northwestern!) and he is ASIAN! (He also seems to be a very skilled Twitter-er.) John is also tall and handsome, so much so, Shania wants to bang him. Who knew Shania wanted to ride a rice rocket? (That’s what my friend, Sue, calls Asian dudes.)

In all seriousness, while the collegiate acapella singer may feel like Anoop 2.0, but I say, bring them on. And while I know Idol is desperately trying to go heavy on the minority men this season in order to shove another one of those OMG SHE IS 16 female singers down the public’s throat, I will ALWAYS root for the talented Asian, Hispanic and Black men (can I throw big white girls in here, too?) because they never have a shot on this shit show. Never. Because the frauen control the vote.

Outside the audition room, John’s college buddies await. It reminds me of Levi’s Go Forth ad campaign explicitly designed to compete with Abercrombie & Fitch.

Go John Park. Let’s do this thing. Go forth.

(6th commercial break — :50)

Paige Duchausse
A Change Is Gonna Come

I have a friend who has terrible asthma, the kind where if he gets hospitalized again, it might kill him. He gave smoking from a bong over a decade ago in an effort to prevent this from happening and he’s still with us. He has also attended the annual Cannabis Cup in Amsterdam every year since 1998. So really, I know asthma sucks. And it sucks if you’re a singer, granted I swam with a lot of astmatics who were pretty damn fast. They kept their inhalers poolside. In any case, I get it. Asthma sucks.

But really, Idol, come on. So far, there’s been only three episodes and I’ve seen contestants use divorce, memaws with Alzheimer’s Disease and now asthma in the hopes of getting a golden ticket. For chrissake, I should have just taken some singing lessons, shaved 4 years off my age and tried out this year just to see if I could have milked the I LIT MY HEAD ON FIRE angle for all it was worth. That’s at least creative. Please, Idol, just bring me someone with Aspberger’s Syndrome or Achondroplasia if you’re gonna shove another sob story down my throat.

Sigh…okay. Let’s get back to the audition. Granny rented a limo or something…Paige almost died when she was a kid. Paige is a cute girl, not too heavily made up, only has minor, chunky highlights. However, her voice is pretty good. I’m not sure if I would agree with Simon’s assessment of her being indulgent and “singing just for herself”. I’m not really sure how else you’re supposed to go about it…in an American Idol audition. (By the way, was anyone else hoping Shania Twain was going to be a more interesting judge. She was certainly no Mary J. Blige!)

Ooops! I thought we were done! There are a few more…

Justin Ray
Black dude, Gokey eyewear, kick ass Soul Glow 2.0 hair.

Keith Semple
The dude who sings Bryan Adams’ Everything I Do is either a faux-hipster or sells meth from a trailer park outside of Gilman, Illinois.

Marcus Jones
Black guy from Gary, Indiana. I mean, Michael Jackson was from there, right?

They all made it! Justin Ray even got an AT&T MOMENT! (I had to capture it because he and his buddy were just too damn adorable for words.)

Well, well, well. If it weren’t for John Park’s Asian Persuasion and Full Metal Jacket, tonight certainly would have been even more of a snoozer, wouldn’t you agree? Orlando already frightens me. Seeing a stadium full of people singing Disney? Are you kidding me? Nothing good can come of this.

And since tonight made me think of Full Metal Jacket, how’s about a little FULL METAL JACKET ELVES action?

35 Comments leave one →
  1. wickedlydark permalink
    January 22, 2010 4:20 am

    Kieth Semple: He actually did a decent Bryan Adams (it was Heaven, not Everything I Do… which is the most overdone song on any karaoke show), but wouldn’t be able to do anything but. Besides – he’s disqualified. No work Visa, and he’s from Ireland. I guess he was trying to be Carlyplant v2.0.

  2. haha permalink
    January 20, 2010 10:49 pm

    One of the best drag shows I ever saw involved some amazing lip-synching to “I Feel Like a Woman.” So I have to give Shania props for giving the world that song.

  3. jukejoint permalink
    January 20, 2010 10:04 pm

    Corinne Bailey Rae! Corinne Bailey Rae!

  4. Notarding permalink
    January 20, 2010 9:23 pm

    Look, no record label will give a black chick the time of day unless they are diva like beyonce chuckle head. There are great non mainstream black singers out there but no one wants to take a gamble. Only white people can rock but whites can do rock, r and b, neosoul, classical, shoot even African folk music. But if your black you better sing like Mary j or Donny Hathaway or
    else!!! It sucks and unfair.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 20, 2010 9:52 pm

      Alice Smith! Alice Smith! I love Alice Smith!

  5. Sherena permalink
    January 20, 2010 7:53 pm

    Also I’d like for them to get an Asian guy and NOT push him into the “geeky nerd” stereotype, or get a black girl who isn’t soulful and R&B… something surprising for once.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 20, 2010 7:55 pm

      OMG. Black girl with guitar???

    • jonoave permalink
      January 22, 2010 2:40 am

      Lol. I’m always amused at how Asians are physically perceived by others. I think John is ok to slightly above-average, but I wouldn’t really call him hot good-looking. I thought Anoop was nowhere near good-looking and was surprised others do. Similarly, a lot of Asians in Hollywood etc makes me scratch my head (on their looks).

      Maybe it’s just our intrinsic/cultural environment/upbringing at work here.

  6. Sherena permalink
    January 20, 2010 7:52 pm

    “John is also tall and handsome, so much so, Shania wants to bang him.”

    Wait did she actually say that? lol

    Anyway, thanks a lot for this recap! It’s hilarious. I can’t be bothered to watch this show until Hollywood at least, and funny recaps with pictures are the best. ^.^

    As for Scott Brown, I’m not surprised he won. Also, his face hasn’t changed that much since his 1982 Cosmo shoot so I imagine the rest of him hasn’t changed that much either. I gotta admit that the GOP has the most attractive politicians. 🙂

  7. Nicole permalink
    January 20, 2010 6:50 pm

    “I will ALWAYS root for the talented Asian, Hispanic and Black men (can I throw big white girls in here, too?) because they never have a shot on this shit show. Never. Because the frauen control the vote.”

    So sad but true. Why can’t they go on vacation this year until AI is over?

  8. Lint_Licker permalink
    January 20, 2010 6:18 pm

    Anoop’s problem is that he thought he was a cool neo-New Jack swing R&B dude. He didn’t embrace his nerd side.

    Here’s hoping this John guy knocks it out of the park (har dee har har). I still roll my eyes at the toolbox Asian dude that sang with no shoes on.

    • wino permalink
      January 20, 2010 7:21 pm

      i also think that certain contestants if placed in a different season would do much better or worse. example: allison in season 5 could’ve won against Jordin. Jordin in season 8, would’ve had no shot.

      Yup, im jumping on the Parkwagon. good looking, asian and male….since the producers/judges are shoving the females down my throat this year, no doubt I will start finding the guys more interesting. didnt they learn with Lil, Gokey and Adam? you cant force it. maybe a small nudge, but not a push.

  9. Trish permalink
    January 20, 2010 5:46 pm

    Okay, I have to add that John Cho is a Berkley graduate, Tim Kang went to Berkeley AND Harvard, and Daniel Dae Kim (how did I foget him upthread???) went to Haverford College. These dudes are f*cking SMART. And I, for one, am in love with all of them. If the spoilers are correct, I have my fingers crossed for Mr. Northwestern, John Park. I’ll confess I fell hard for Anoop early on last season, too, only to be disappointed, so don’t let me down, Park!

  10. notarding permalink
    January 20, 2010 3:27 pm

    park is my man, but i know he wont make it far. The frau wont vote for him. Why are the frau a bunch of racists? I dont get it, dont the white chicks like anything other than white? i know lots that do? so what gives with the Idol fans???

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 20, 2010 3:38 pm

      It’s funny, really, because my mom often has “crushes” on actors. A lot of them are hot black men on TV. She also has a big thing for Albert Pujols.

    • wino permalink
      January 20, 2010 7:31 pm

      sadly, i think its not just the idol white chicks, but their families as well. women might be the core of the voting block, but i would wager the dads secretly reject anyone not resembling tom petty. ruben was the exeption, not the rule. he had the whole cuddly, teddy bear thing going on and was going up against a (clearly) gay dude….trust me, a guy who looks like Morris Chestnut could never win this show. go park!

  11. pattyluponey permalink
    January 20, 2010 3:09 pm

    John Park’s voice is fantastic! They never have true baritone’s on AI. I hope that he can be creative and work it out once he’s on the show.

    • pattyluponey permalink
      January 20, 2010 3:11 pm

      not sure what the baritones own there…that should say “baritones”…

      • Trish permalink
        January 20, 2010 5:39 pm

        Loved John too, but wasn’t Bo a baritone? Adding John temporarily to my list of Korean-American Hotties — along with John Cho (Maybe they can have Anoop and John do a Harold & Kumar spoof in the finale?)and Tim Kang.

        • pattyluponey permalink
          January 20, 2010 5:52 pm

          Yeah, Bo’s a rock baritone…I try to forget about that season because of my traumatization by Greasy…ugh…David Cook is technically a baritone, too. He tends to sing more as a bari-tenor, though.

          • Trish permalink
            January 20, 2010 6:01 pm

            Yeah, Cook definitely has more of a tenor range, even if his tone is more bari. I think Elliott is also a baritone.

            • pattyluponey permalink
              January 20, 2010 10:46 pm

              The major problem with this show is so many guys who think they are tenors…

    • auntieaimee permalink
      January 20, 2010 3:56 pm

      I’m kind of a sucker for a baritone, too. I couldn’t blame Shania for getting a little flustered.

  12. auntieaimee permalink
    January 20, 2010 11:17 am

    I really liked Shania, too. She seemed really personable and funny and she offered feedback of actual value.

  13. deez permalink
    January 20, 2010 10:48 am

    John Park, “Falling Slowly”:

    • January 20, 2010 4:00 pm

      Oh I loved that! He has a nice voice but full impact probly lost in the beauty of the choir which seemed so organic as though they were all the same animal sort of, even the percussion man . I doubt anything can capture the magic of the film but that came close.

  14. deez permalink
    January 20, 2010 10:08 am

    Yessssss to John Park. Shania is right…nice lips.(maybe I’m stupid, but does that have any bearing on singing, or was she fantasizing out loud?) The VFTW spoilers are promising, does anyone know how accurate they are?

  15. saskin permalink
    January 20, 2010 9:35 am

    Get used to Scott Brown TI. He looks like a presidential candidate. He is the hero of the day for Republicans. He striped Obama admin from (supposedly) filibuster-proof majority. He is the new Sarah Palin. Shiny toy. Republicans will throw a lot of money at him in 2012 for his re-election (which might be a good thing if the D’s can come up with a good candidate).

    That said, what the heck was that show? Pathetic. Freaks and geeks. Only thing I noticed was Shania is adorable (as usual) and Simon looked like he was fascinated by her. He was acting almost like a normal human being.

    I saw a slightly overweight white girl with a guitar coming out of the audition with a golden ticket. I thought they were supposed to audition a capella? I think they’re looking for a blond girl with a guitar this year so I think no frau baits in the top 12? Good luck to the Asian kid. They usually build them up then tear them down. But I think he’ll make the tour for sure.

    (On an unrelated note; if you’re planning to change/alter the blog an edit function for the comments could be nice. Other than that it is perfect. I love reading your blog.)

  16. girl from mars permalink
    January 20, 2010 8:58 am

    I totally agree with you about John Park. It amazes me year after year that Idol is sooooo racist/sexist/sizeist, then they’re astonished that many of the people they picked suck ass. Why the hell were they so amazed that an Asian guy could sing?

    Also, he reminds me of the guy I had a crush on in HS.

  17. shallow permalink
    January 20, 2010 8:17 am

    you are absolutely CORRECT about the tiny tim dude looking like the full metal jacket psycho! that is too creepy.

  18. January 20, 2010 4:34 am

    I havent seen this episode yet I think it airs here tonight – and only a little from last weeks – but hoping to catch up. But I did see the hilarious segment on The Daily Show regarding Scott Brown (admittedly I had no prior knowledge of him or this election until was entertainingly enlightened by the sublime Jon Stewart) and surprised to see he had been an AI contestant and that he modelled topless for some magazine – I guess politics was his last shot. Bummer.

    • TopIdol permalink
      January 20, 2010 9:04 am

      You mean the segment where Jon calls Scott Brown “a fictional politician from a David E. Kelley show”? Absolutely priceless.

  19. blacklisted permalink
    January 20, 2010 1:47 am

    Judging just from pictures I’d say that John Park is only fuckable guy this season. I’m guessing he’ll be cut soon.

  20. Lil Lulu permalink
    January 20, 2010 1:16 am

    FIRST!!! I think. Wait. Am I?

    I was so disappointed in Brian Krause. I wanted him to be Idol’s Susan Boyle. I was so sure that when he opened his mouth to sing, beauteous tones would emerge. No such luck.

    And don’t get me started on Charity Vance. When my son was young, if I ever met a mother who named her child after a virtue, I steered clear. Creepy. Plus, I smell a TCO. I’m not sure why. But, she’s Simon’s “type.” She’s not that good, yet she’s better than Pickler or Carmen (Simon’s beloveds from season’s past.) I have a feeling about this one, and it’s not good.

    John Park is pretty much cute and perfect and can sing. I’d say he’s the one to watch, except TPTB want a girl this season.

    I kind of liked the heavy black dude with the thick glasses. Something about him.

    Anyway, when’s Hollywood week?

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