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My dog ran over my truck and other stories: American Idol Season 9 Orlando Auditions

January 21, 2010

Ah, Orlando…cess pool of Central Florida. 10,000 deluded wannabes showed up for the Orlando auditions of American Idol.

Let’s begin with this guy. He is one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen.

But I’m sure the frauen wouldn’t be reinventing the gay rights movement over someone so queer, black and bedazzled. I’m sure they are already claiming Theo Glinton OMG TOTALLY COPIED ADAM LAMBERT’S EYE JEWELS.

(Republican) Kara DioGuardi and her equally-as-judgmental Immovable Forehead look down at our precious Theo as soon as he enters the audition space. We know he is not long for this world.

Theo Glinton belts out Pat Benetar’s Heartbreaker. Kristen Chenowith is in desperate need of a sandwich. Of course, Theo has no chance in hell because he yells…or he’s too gay and too black. Can someone ask me why Ryan Seacrest was picking off the mirrors from Theo’s face as if he were a mother ape picking the gnats from her offspring?

Naturally, we get our first commercial break only 7 minutes into tonight’s programming. After a word from the sponsors, we are promised OMG THEIR STORIES WILL INSPIRE YOU. Which inspires me to say…FRAK YOU DANNY GOKEY!!!

It’s only natural that Florida would provide us with ample sob stories. After a parade of people who likely had talent but no chance of making it through and some OMG WILL THEY PLEASE KISS action geared towards the male audience…

(Kristen Chenowith, I wasn’t really a fan, but I know you’re talented. Unfortunately, I don’t like you anymore.)

OH WAIT. What is that I see or smell?? Could it be…maybe…FRAU BAIT?

Seth Collins
Seth is married with 2 kids. One of them has autism. Honestly, was it necessary to show the adorable little autistic boy IN A HELMET?? While I am not a licensed medical practitioner…it seems Seth’s son is only mildly autistic? He seems to show compassion and love towards his parents…maybe he has just Aspberger’s? Oh screw it. I just WANT there to be an Aspberger’s sob story.

Since we already saw his kid in a helmet in the comfort of their own home, we already know 28-year-old teddy bear Seth (singing Someone to Watch Over Me) makes it to Hollywood. After a bunch of heartwarming shots of Seth and his autistic son, we get our second commercial break — promising ARRESTING DEVELOPMENTS! Idol better not crap out on the C.O.P.S. action as it did last week!

Cue Disney-themed montage set to When You Wish Upon a Star. Gag me. Although I have found myself appreciating Ryan Seacrest more and more since I attended that rehearsal show last year. He may be one of the more likable bland personalities currently on television. Shit-For-Brains tells some girl she’s great because, haven’t you heard, A GIRL WILL WIN THIS YEAR ZOMG!!!!ELEVENTY!!! More dreams are shattered, likely the dreams of some talented people. There are a few glimpses of frau bait, however…now we have…ANOTHER BLACK DUDE NAMED JERMAINE!

Jermaine Purifoy
While I have no idea why the granny set can’t get behind a black dude who sings Tony Bennett’s Smile. Hell, my mom would be all over that. Looks wise, he sort of brings to mind a younger version of one of my all-time favorites, Jesse L. Martin. JESUS CHRIST WILL SOMEONE FEED KRISTEN CHENOWITH. I’m worried she might eat poor Jermaine. Nooooo, Kristen! Don’t eat Jermaine!

I think the chicks will like you.

But Simon, the menopausal white women are the chicks who “like” male contestants. And unless a gaggle of them have a chocolate-flavored hot flash, that shit just ain’t happening.

Shelby Dressel
The girl with the paralyzed face. Let’s face it, the girl with the partially-paralyzed face looks better than a lot of people with fully-unparalyzed faces. Personally, I find Shelby’s voice 100% dull. I feel as if I’ve heard this same voice 1000 times before. Shelby becomes mildly interesting because she is bleeped out during the audition. But she’s as mildly interesting as Seth Collins’ son is mildly autistic.

We see a couple other men of color who make it during the WE ARE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD montage filler, as well as the plaid-shirted frau bait dude from before. I’m keeping my eye on him.

On Day 2, Kristen Chenowith has to fly back to NYC, hopefully to eat a sandwich. Shit-For-Brains kicks things off by giving the contestants in the waiting room some bullshit pep talk in which people responded by staring at her and her immovable forehead with blank faces.

Jay Stone
While I never watched the shitfest known as Season 6, Jay Stone will always be infinitely better than that diseased little rodent Blake Lewis. When asked if he can actually sing, Stone busts out a little Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone. Stone sort of looks like the love child of Channing Tatum and Christopher Meloni. Shit-For-Brains totally wants to bang the kid. I can’t believe I’m siding with Kara on this guy. What the hell…Randy, just say yes. Blake Lewis is a bit fat failure, anyway.

Yes! Kudos to one of Jay Stone’s friends who decided it would be a good idea to pick up Seacrest (and no, it was not the douchebag in the green baseball cap turned sideways).

THE GIRLS OF ORLANDO SINGING montage. Yes, Idol. Shove the female contestants down our throats yet one more time, because by golly gee, a girl is gonna win the whole damn thing this year!

Janell Wheeler
Although she gets props for singing House of the Rising Sun, the 24-year-old sales rep (i.e., retail associate) annoys me because she forgot the e at the end of her name. Her voice is nice, sure, but is it just me or are all the girls sounding alike this season?

Brittany Starr James
I like the fact she’s singing American Boy, and I like her fun afro. However, fun afros are often misleading (see Season 7’s Coretta Scott Mercado) and you cannot trust anyone who has a celestial body as part of their full name.

Kasi Bedford
She is singing Bonnie Raitt. Therefore, she is a non-entity in my eyes.

Cornelius Edwards
Cornelius is friends with adult entertainers. At this moment, I think to myself, oh, if he were to only sing Tina Turner’s Private Dancer. Damn. No cigar. But he is singing Tina Turner…Rollin’. Dude the song is called PROUD MARY.

Cornelius does the splits…and splits his pants. I NOW understand why he said he learned his move from adult entertainers. YESSSS! I always knew all those hours of HBO’s Real Sex during the 1990s would come in handy. A Real Sex episode I viewed in 1998 entered the world of black male strip clubs. Those dudes are banging their junk on the ground, doing the splits, all of that stuff. It’s unlike anything you’ve seen from those mamby-pamby Chippendale’s.

Bernadette Desimone & Amanda Desimone
These Jersey sisters scare me. Like seriously scare me. They also remind me nothing of JWOWW or Snooki. They kind of remind me of Jaslene from ANTM and I couldn’t stand her. They were obviously birthed in their mother’s basement beauty salon. They seem very medicated.

You also cannot trust anyone who wears flowers in their hair unironically. Now if Simon enjoys throwing out the word indulgent…seriously. What other word would you use to describe Bernadette’s performance? Amanda sings I Wanna Dance Somebody Who Loves Me. Therefore, she is a non-entity to me.

Sweet! A real-life Florida Meth Head!

Jarrod Norrell
Okay, he’s from Georgia. And it says he’s a graphic designer, but he still might do meth. He must do something. He talks about getting his buzz on. OR he is doing this for shits and giggles, which seems especially likely since he was sang Amazing Grace. Shit-For-Brains tells him he sounds like a lawnmower. Oh wait…he might not be kidding. He says he’s tripping in a very convincing manner. Hmmm…of course, Jarrod Norrell could just be high on God. He also wants to meet all the living presidents.

Jarrod won’t leave. Damn that meth! The meth! Security drags his ass out. And then he gets cuffed. Homeboy is arrested.

Matthew Lawrence
Dammit! I thought it was gonna be one of those kids from Gimme a Break! Or his brother. Yeah…Joey was on that one and Blossom. I meant his brother, another bowl-headed moppet. Only child actors have bowl cuts. This is a scientific fact.

Matt Lawrence made a grave mistake 10 years ago, so he spent FOUR BIRTHDAYS BEHIND BARS. Obviously, he must have given himself up to Christ and worked as a youth counselor ever since, because by golly gee, that seems like the longest prison record of any Idol contestant I’ve ever seen. It seems Matt was just looking for adventure! So he decided to rob a bank with a BB gun at age 15. (And people wonder why I think its wrong to raise children anywhere but in a city!) Now Matt wants to make his family proud.

I kind of want to like Matt Lawrence, as he choose Ray LaMontagne for his audition song. Granted, he better not screw it up and Trouble isn’t even close to being one of my favorite Ray songs, but I always get kind of excited when I hear Ray LaMontagne on Idol. Even though no one seems to know any other song but Trouble.

I wonder if Matt will get frauen, but he seems to Sarver-esque to obtain a proper gaggle of them. On a side note, Matt is wearing the same hat I was lucky enough to find randomly on the playa on Wednesday of Burning Man. Sadly, I lost it by Saturday. Alas. I hope it made someone else happy, especially after I made a chin stap for the damn thing.

The judges cream themselves over him, probably because of his interesting sob story. Rarely do they get REDEEMED criminals (since the bank robbery was committed when Lawrence was a juvenile, it makes everything better!) and Lawrence is a harmless enough-looking white dude (i.e., no batshit crazy frauen).

And we are done for this week…hey, does anyone else ever wonder if they would sleep with Luke Wilson whenever you see those AT&T commercials?

33 Comments leave one →
  1. January 26, 2010 6:59 pm

    Why is the guy in the green hat a douchebag??

  2. cimi permalink
    January 25, 2010 2:22 am

    Kara is just another pretty face….Why is she a judge??– She offers nothing to the show.

    • deez permalink
      January 25, 2010 2:28 am

      To lend her song-writing “talents”. lol!!!!

  3. January 24, 2010 8:17 am

    Yeah, Seth’s kid is definitely very high functioning. I babysit a kid who’s probably older than that kid and talks way less but is still considered mildly autistic.
    THOSE SISTERS FREAK ME OUT. They for sure are medicated. As was that dude who had to be arrested. He was on so many things… I’m betting he dropped a bag of something on the floor on his way out.
    Also Jay Stone is far greater than Blake Lewis. And you so called the Tatum/Meloni love child thing. Props.

  4. smashemup permalink
    January 24, 2010 5:34 am

    AI can’t force them to tell their back story. Look at David Cook – he refused to let them tell his story even when they tried to lead him to it on that result night after he had been in hospital and again on Mariah Carey night. He would not let them exploit his and his brother’s story.

    Kristen Chenowith is very annoying as is Kara. I really enjoyed Shania Twain, thought she was respectful and didn’t turn her face away to laugh at the audtioners.

    Best thing about this week was the guy that ripped his pants. So effing funny.

  5. Smartie permalink
    January 21, 2010 6:49 pm

    That blond bobble head needs to STFU. What is with her voice? She was utterly useless.

    Theo had a great voice, but they had already decided they hated him. Bastards.

    I bet the victims of the armed robbery are thrilled the criminal is being feted on a tv show.

  6. notarding permalink
    January 21, 2010 6:24 pm

    yeah but its not them. Its AI getting them to tell that story. Plus no one would vote just based on singing. the Fraus love the sob stories it puts a personality on who you are voting for. I’m not defending it, but thats the way it is. Also, it pulls ratings. People like the human interest story. Thats true for every reality show almost.

    • Isidra permalink
      January 21, 2010 6:36 pm

      That’s how I suddenly found myself a Kris Allen fan, actually. No sob story. Barely any screen time until the America-judges round. And in the end, he won!

      Too bad AI seems to have learned the wrong lesson from that.

  7. January 21, 2010 3:34 pm

    Whatever happened to keeping a sob story to yourself and trying to win on your own merits? I’m sorry but robbing a bank is not a sob story. It’s a criminal act even at the age of fifteen. Dad trading mom in for a new model, a mildly autistic son etc are all things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But playing for the sympathy vote just makes these contestants look pathetic.

    If they would just come to auditions and sing without pouring out their life story I would have a lot more respect for them. If their back story comes out after having proven their ability to sing, at that point I could be happy for them that they were strong in the face of adversity. But to expect or want special consideration because you have to put up with some crap in life is BS in my opinion.

  8. notarding permalink
    January 21, 2010 2:57 pm

    I hate Kristin Chenowith with a burning passion. I’ve heard her name before, but didnt know who she was nor did I care. She has a bobble head, munchkin helium voice, and waaaay to perky and annoying, ewwww!

    I done split my pants was hilarious. Yes, too many sob stories, I don’t care, blah blah blah. No matter how many tarts they trott out I still have faith in the Frau to find some hunk to latch onto.

  9. Shereeda permalink
    January 21, 2010 1:35 pm

    LOL…. nice recap… aaa kristen doesnt look that bad… but geez someone punch kara already… damn she’s so annoying…

  10. haha permalink
    January 21, 2010 1:28 pm

    I’ve always had an irrational hatred for Kristin Chenowith. Now I have something to hang my hat on when people ask me WHY I can’t stand her. BECAUSE SHE’S A FRICKING ANNOYING CUNT WHO LIKES KARA DIOGUARDI!!!

    • Smartie permalink
      January 21, 2010 9:58 pm

      Her voice makes me want to punch puppies

  11. LeighKat permalink
    January 21, 2010 1:07 pm

    “why Ryan Seacrest was picking off the mirrors from Theo’s face as if he were a mother ape picking the gnats from her offspring?”

    I didn’t watch the show but, I can only assume Ryan thought they were shards from the mirror that he keeps in his manpurse and he didn’t want his hourly view of himself to be distorted in anyway.

    BTW- I want that eye zipper for my birthday- just putting it out there 🙂

  12. kimberly permalink
    January 21, 2010 12:07 pm

    I remember watching Luke Wilson on a talk show some time ago. He was really, really funny. Great sense of humor and just a down-to-earth guy. He won a place in my cynical heart. His face has filled out somewhat, which bothers me a little, but there’s something cool about him and his voice.

  13. kimberly permalink
    January 21, 2010 12:00 pm

    My neighbor’s daughter is autistic and not to downplay Seth’s son’s autism, but it appeared night and day to her behavior. The sight of a healthy 12 year old girl standing outside mindlessly (or what appears mindlessly) flapping her hands non-stop, knowing she would stand there all day if not for a family member bringing her inside, is heartbreaking. Eye contact is hard won, any human interaction at all. When I saw his son hugging and kissing him and interacting, I was surprised and happy for him.

  14. kimberly permalink
    January 21, 2010 11:42 am

    I knew Theo would never get through, even before he opened his mouth. Kara telling him, “you don’t need all this,” waving her hands all around and calling him “honey” and “baby”. Something condescending.

    People lauded Lambert. Why not Theo who appears to live and embrace who he is every damn day. I guess it’s easier to accept a good-looking gay white guy. ::shrugs::

    And yeah, Top Idol, what was the deal with Ryan picking off those metallic disc things? I believe he was shooting for compassionate, but it was weird. No spoken references to Adam, but pretty overt to me when Ryan said he needed to wash the glitter off his hands, like it was funny, but still a bit freak show to him. Am I reaching here? :: grin:: Adam/Glitter is cool. Theo/glitter is freaky. Can’t have it both ways American Idol. Theo should have done the Lambert CD Cover pose. Now that would have made me bust a gut.

  15. pattyluponey permalink
    January 21, 2010 11:00 am

    Why do they keep shoving the sob stories down our throats when no sob story has ever won the competition? I know it makes good tv in the first few weeks, but they are reaching this year…

    • saskin permalink
      January 21, 2010 4:01 pm

      I know, right? It’s like they never learn. Last year Allen’s back story was “who are you and why are you still in this competition?” yet he ended up winning. I think. Did Cook have a back story? Or any other winner?

      • SarahBeth permalink
        January 21, 2010 5:53 pm

        Cook did have a backstory – his brother had cancer but he never showcased it or let Idol take advantage of it. At least not that I’m aware of. And he still won.

        • pattyluponey permalink
          January 21, 2010 6:51 pm

          Carrie was the lil’ hick girl who had only sung to her cows. Fantasia hid the fact she was illiterate until way after she won, and they hid her kid until she was like in the top 10. Yeah, nobody’s really had a sob story that took them to the end…Gokey’s totally backfired and made people revile him.

          • TopIdol permalink
            January 21, 2010 9:25 pm

            Carrie was a sorority girl and homecoming queen. And a vegetarian. Perhaps the latter is a sob story more than anything else, but I guess that’s her choice.

  16. Kathy permalink
    January 21, 2010 10:58 am

    I know my husband and I were laughing hysterically. He made me rewind it a few times lol

    • auntieaimee permalink
      January 21, 2010 11:37 am

      I got a picture of him. I’ll try to send it to TI in case she wants to use it for something.

  17. deez permalink
    January 21, 2010 10:02 am

    Oh and….SERIOUSLY? GIANT Gokey head? I was eating breakfast.

  18. deez permalink
    January 21, 2010 10:01 am

    Yes, I do wonder about the Luke Wilson question. I remain undecided. Owen Wilson, however….

  19. Kathy permalink
    January 21, 2010 7:40 am

    Anyone else notice when Cornelius walked out with his golden ticket and the fam started flipping out that Ryan picked a child family member up? I don’t know why but the look on that kids face cracked me up. “Put me down cracker!!” lol

    About 1:34

    • auntieaimee permalink
      January 21, 2010 8:03 am

      Yes! It was even funnier if you played it back in s l o w m o t i o n. I was laughing so hard, I was crying. My face and stomach still hurt. That kid is my hero.

  20. January 21, 2010 3:26 am

    “…that diseased little rodent, Blake Lewis.”

    Harsh, but accurate. I will never forgive him for his desecration of a perfectly good Bee Gees song and for thinking 311 is a good band. Even worse, he sang the 311 version “Lovesong” instead of The Cure’s. Unforgivable.

  21. Fenster permalink
    January 21, 2010 3:03 am

    I should have known that when Idol finally got around to casting its first cuddly bank robber, it was going to be someone who looked like Matt Lawrence.

  22. saskin permalink
    January 21, 2010 2:49 am

    Well, “my kid is (let’s assume) autistic” is waaaayyyyy better than my “dad divorced my mom for a newer model”. I. Hate. Sob. Stories. Like Drew Carey said: “there is a support group for that. It is called everybody.”

    I was so distracted by Kara’s breasts that I stopped caring about Who. Will. Be. The. Next. American. Idol. Who was the last American Idol anyway?

  23. Lakshmi permalink
    January 21, 2010 2:18 am

    I also thought that Seth’s kid seemed like a high-functioning autistic in the 30 seconds we saw of him (but I’m not an expert either). He’s verbal and seemed to make eye contact with his dad when they were talking.

  24. 8sourcandy permalink
    January 21, 2010 2:17 am

    I don’t know how you watch this. I won’t tune in until top 1o week. This part is too frustrating.

    Pardon my avitar I’m incognito. 🙂

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