My dog ran over my truck and other stories: American Idol Season 9 Orlando Auditions
Ah, Orlando…cess pool of Central Florida. 10,000 deluded wannabes showed up for the Orlando auditions of American Idol.
Let’s begin with this guy. He is one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen.
But I’m sure the frauen wouldn’t be reinventing the gay rights movement over someone so queer, black and bedazzled. I’m sure they are already claiming Theo Glinton OMG TOTALLY COPIED ADAM LAMBERT’S EYE JEWELS.
(Republican) Kara DioGuardi and her equally-as-judgmental Immovable Forehead look down at our precious Theo as soon as he enters the audition space. We know he is not long for this world.
Theo Glinton belts out Pat Benetar’s Heartbreaker. Kristen Chenowith is in desperate need of a sandwich. Of course, Theo has no chance in hell because he yells…or he’s too gay and too black. Can someone ask me why Ryan Seacrest was picking off the mirrors from Theo’s face as if he were a mother ape picking the gnats from her offspring?
Naturally, we get our first commercial break only 7 minutes into tonight’s programming. After a word from the sponsors, we are promised OMG THEIR STORIES WILL INSPIRE YOU. Which inspires me to say…FRAK YOU DANNY GOKEY!!!
It’s only natural that Florida would provide us with ample sob stories. After a parade of people who likely had talent but no chance of making it through and some OMG WILL THEY PLEASE KISS action geared towards the male audience…
(Kristen Chenowith, I wasn’t really a fan, but I know you’re talented. Unfortunately, I don’t like you anymore.)
OH WAIT. What is that I see or smell?? Could it be…maybe…FRAU BAIT?
Seth is married with 2 kids. One of them has autism. Honestly, was it necessary to show the adorable little autistic boy IN A HELMET?? While I am not a licensed medical practitioner…it seems Seth’s son is only mildly autistic? He seems to show compassion and love towards his parents…maybe he has just Aspberger’s? Oh screw it. I just WANT there to be an Aspberger’s sob story.
Since we already saw his kid in a helmet in the comfort of their own home, we already know 28-year-old teddy bear Seth (singing Someone to Watch Over Me) makes it to Hollywood. After a bunch of heartwarming shots of Seth and his autistic son, we get our second commercial break — promising ARRESTING DEVELOPMENTS! Idol better not crap out on the C.O.P.S. action as it did last week!
Cue Disney-themed montage set to When You Wish Upon a Star. Gag me. Although I have found myself appreciating Ryan Seacrest more and more since I attended that rehearsal show last year. He may be one of the more likable bland personalities currently on television. Shit-For-Brains tells some girl she’s great because, haven’t you heard, A GIRL WILL WIN THIS YEAR ZOMG!!!!ELEVENTY!!! More dreams are shattered, likely the dreams of some talented people. There are a few glimpses of frau bait, however…now we have…ANOTHER BLACK DUDE NAMED JERMAINE!
While I have no idea why the granny set can’t get behind a black dude who sings Tony Bennett’s Smile. Hell, my mom would be all over that. Looks wise, he sort of brings to mind a younger version of one of my all-time favorites, Jesse L. Martin. JESUS CHRIST WILL SOMEONE FEED KRISTEN CHENOWITH. I’m worried she might eat poor Jermaine. Nooooo, Kristen! Don’t eat Jermaine!
I think the chicks will like you.
But Simon, the menopausal white women are the chicks who “like” male contestants. And unless a gaggle of them have a chocolate-flavored hot flash, that shit just ain’t happening.
The girl with the paralyzed face. Let’s face it, the girl with the partially-paralyzed face looks better than a lot of people with fully-unparalyzed faces. Personally, I find Shelby’s voice 100% dull. I feel as if I’ve heard this same voice 1000 times before. Shelby becomes mildly interesting because she is bleeped out during the audition. But she’s as mildly interesting as Seth Collins’ son is mildly autistic.
We see a couple other men of color who make it during the WE ARE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD montage filler, as well as the plaid-shirted frau bait dude from before. I’m keeping my eye on him.
On Day 2, Kristen Chenowith has to fly back to NYC, hopefully to eat a sandwich. Shit-For-Brains kicks things off by giving the contestants in the waiting room some bullshit pep talk in which people responded by staring at her and her immovable forehead with blank faces.
While I never watched the shitfest known as Season 6, Jay Stone will always be infinitely better than that diseased little rodent Blake Lewis. When asked if he can actually sing, Stone busts out a little Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone. Stone sort of looks like the love child of Channing Tatum and Christopher Meloni. Shit-For-Brains totally wants to bang the kid. I can’t believe I’m siding with Kara on this guy. What the hell…Randy, just say yes. Blake Lewis is a bit fat failure, anyway.
Yes! Kudos to one of Jay Stone’s friends who decided it would be a good idea to pick up Seacrest (and no, it was not the douchebag in the green baseball cap turned sideways).
THE GIRLS OF ORLANDO SINGING montage. Yes, Idol. Shove the female contestants down our throats yet one more time, because by golly gee, a girl is gonna win the whole damn thing this year!
Although she gets props for singing House of the Rising Sun, the 24-year-old sales rep (i.e., retail associate) annoys me because she forgot the e at the end of her name. Her voice is nice, sure, but is it just me or are all the girls sounding alike this season?
Brittany Starr James
I like the fact she’s singing American Boy, and I like her fun afro. However, fun afros are often misleading (see Season 7’s Coretta Scott Mercado) and you cannot trust anyone who has a celestial body as part of their full name.
She is singing Bonnie Raitt. Therefore, she is a non-entity in my eyes.
Cornelius is friends with adult entertainers. At this moment, I think to myself, oh, if he were to only sing Tina Turner’s Private Dancer. Damn. No cigar. But he is singing Tina Turner…Rollin’. Dude the song is called PROUD MARY.
Cornelius does the splits…and splits his pants. I NOW understand why he said he learned his move from adult entertainers. YESSSS! I always knew all those hours of HBO’s Real Sex during the 1990s would come in handy. A Real Sex episode I viewed in 1998 entered the world of black male strip clubs. Those dudes are banging their junk on the ground, doing the splits, all of that stuff. It’s unlike anything you’ve seen from those mamby-pamby Chippendale’s.
Bernadette Desimone & Amanda Desimone
These Jersey sisters scare me. Like seriously scare me. They also remind me nothing of JWOWW or Snooki. They kind of remind me of Jaslene from ANTM and I couldn’t stand her. They were obviously birthed in their mother’s basement beauty salon. They seem very medicated.
You also cannot trust anyone who wears flowers in their hair unironically. Now if Simon enjoys throwing out the word indulgent…seriously. What other word would you use to describe Bernadette’s performance? Amanda sings I Wanna Dance Somebody Who Loves Me. Therefore, she is a non-entity to me.
Sweet! A real-life Florida Meth Head!
Okay, he’s from Georgia. And it says he’s a graphic designer, but he still might do meth. He must do something. He talks about getting his buzz on. OR he is doing this for shits and giggles, which seems especially likely since he was sang Amazing Grace. Shit-For-Brains tells him he sounds like a lawnmower. Oh wait…he might not be kidding. He says he’s tripping in a very convincing manner. Hmmm…of course, Jarrod Norrell could just be high on God. He also wants to meet all the living presidents.
Jarrod won’t leave. Damn that meth! The meth! Security drags his ass out. And then he gets cuffed. Homeboy is arrested.
Dammit! I thought it was gonna be one of those kids from Gimme a Break! Or his brother. Yeah…Joey was on that one and Blossom. I meant his brother, another bowl-headed moppet. Only child actors have bowl cuts. This is a scientific fact.
Matt Lawrence made a grave mistake 10 years ago, so he spent FOUR BIRTHDAYS BEHIND BARS. Obviously, he must have given himself up to Christ and worked as a youth counselor ever since, because by golly gee, that seems like the longest prison record of any Idol contestant I’ve ever seen. It seems Matt was just looking for adventure! So he decided to rob a bank with a BB gun at age 15. (And people wonder why I think its wrong to raise children anywhere but in a city!) Now Matt wants to make his family proud.
I kind of want to like Matt Lawrence, as he choose Ray LaMontagne for his audition song. Granted, he better not screw it up and Trouble isn’t even close to being one of my favorite Ray songs, but I always get kind of excited when I hear Ray LaMontagne on Idol. Even though no one seems to know any other song but Trouble.
I wonder if Matt will get frauen, but he seems to Sarver-esque to obtain a proper gaggle of them. On a side note, Matt is wearing the same hat I was lucky enough to find randomly on the playa on Wednesday of Burning Man. Sadly, I lost it by Saturday. Alas. I hope it made someone else happy, especially after I made a chin stap for the damn thing.
The judges cream themselves over him, probably because of his interesting sob story. Rarely do they get REDEEMED criminals (since the bank robbery was committed when Lawrence was a juvenile, it makes everything better!) and Lawrence is a harmless enough-looking white dude (i.e., no batshit crazy frauen).
And we are done for this week…hey, does anyone else ever wonder if they would sleep with Luke Wilson whenever you see those AT&T commercials?