Dear Adam Lambert, I hate (a lot of) your fans. Love, Top Idol

Although we’ve already moved onto season 9 of the wondrous shit show otherwise known as American Idol, a particular group of batshit crazy nutjobs (Hmmm…who could it be…hmmm…who could it be now?) continue to raise the bar of abject deploribility and utter hilarity.

And before we start, for those who might be new, one Kris Allen and one Adam Lambert have not been in technical “competition” with one another since May 2009. However, this ongoing battle has never ended for some women, whom, for collective purpose, we refer to as Glamberts or Glamtards. They’re like the Vietnam vet Bruce Springsteen sings about in I’m On Fire. These bitches totally wake up in the middle of the night with a freight train running through the middle of their heads.

And Kris Allen’s head (sitting atop a plaid shirt, of course) is on the side of that freight train. That freight train is blaring his music for miles around and the freight is obviously his CDs.

So Kris Allen got the gig singing The Star-Spangled Banner before yesterday’s NFC Showdown between the Minnesota Vikings and the New Orleans Saints. I liked his performance. Some people did not care for it and thought it was pitchy or whatever. That’s fine. I don’t expect you to like everything a person does. That’s just freakish. Obviously, the overzealous Glamberts were going to rip on his performance, even if he somehow busted out a falsetto that brought Scott Joplin and Kate Smith back to life while eagles flew out of his ass.

But let me back up a minute. Kris Allen gives an obligatory interview to a local New Orleans radio station. He is super chatty and humorous. He also casually mentions he is going to go to Haiti to do some relief work.

Here we fucking go. Guess what? Kris Allen is a drunk media whore exploiting the tragedy in Haiti for his own PR needs.

I just don’t see how Kris’ not so sucessful missionary experiences could qualify him in emergancy rescue.

First off, you stupid twat, Kris Allen didn’t just go places to preach that Jesus stuff. He actually assisted in relief efforts after the tsunami in Thailand. I believe he’s also been to South Africa, where he worked with AIDS-infected orphans. Hey, his passport looks better than mine, I’ve just been to Europe a lot. I don’t agree with most missionary work, mind you, but that’s besides the point — how do we know the missionary work (or the actual trip itself) was unsuccessful? And emergency rescue? Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time diddling yourself to the KEEP UNTIL I DELETE episode of last week’s Oprah with special guest Adam Lambert on your DVR, you would know the emergency rescue phase, for the most part, is sort of over. Now its about digging out the bodies and rebuilding, caring for those who survived, all the grisly aftermath.

(For chrissake, are you telling me you’ve never known anyone who did anything with Habitat for Humanity? Last year, my niece went and built houses in central Mexico for her senior spring break.)

This guy had no business singing the National Anthem. A pure travesty. ITA with Chris Sligh. BTW, what is Kris doing in Haiti? Is he trying to promote his album? I mean, you hardly near anything about his humanitarian efforts. I guess he is too busy trying to promote himself.

If Adam Lambert announced he was going to Haiti, you idiots would start calling the Nobel Committee in Oslo in attempts to get him nominated for next year’s Nobel Peace Prize. If Adam Lambert adopted a little black baby from some African country to which you cannot pronounce the name, you would spend a few hours incessantly tweeting him and all of your little cronies how he’s the greatest humanitarian. Then you would peel yourself off your fat ass and get in your car. You would blare his For Your Entertainment CD  (one of the 69 you own) while you drove to the Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd in your nearest town/city and proceed to kidnap some tiny black infant or toddler, take him home, dress him up like Lambert and rename him Kunta Adam Kunte Fierce. Then you would tweet about it and take some Twitpics of this poor, sobbing kidnapped child developing an eye infection because you painted him up with black eyeliner in a desperate attempt to be named the BESTEST BIGGEST FIERCEST TRUEST GLAMBERT.

Sometimes the best thing to say in life is nothing at all. In hindsight Kris should have never opened his mouth about his volunteer trip to Haiti. He set himself up for a lot of flap without even realizing it, I am sure. Hopefully next time he does something like this he will have learned his lesson and not talked about it or waited to talk about it when he comes home. Altruism is always a double edged sword.

Who are you? And I think its flack, not flap. Doesn’t surprise me, though. You’re pretty much a complete idiot.

Lyndsey Parker, popular Yahoo! columnist (Reality Rocks) has long been a big Adam Lambert fan. Of course, all hell breaks loose if she ever says a nice thing about Kris Allen. Because when you’re a batshit crazy Idol fan, you can’t like BOTH of them. When Lyndsey posted a nice article about Allen’s upcoming trip to Haiti, did you really expect the lunatics to keep their fat traps shut?

Haven’t the people of Haiti suffered enough without having to be subjected to this cheap publicity stunt? Stay home Kris Allen, no one needs to hear your screeching and caterwauling at a time like this. I hope you donate EVERY PENNY to relief efforts instead of making a fast buck off the suffering of others. And to your friends going around posting positive comments for you, shame on you!”

Ah, yes. One of those concerned trolls I hear so much about.

It’s funny that Kris is going down to Haiti. I hope it is not to exploit the situation – and just get publicity for himself and to pump some life into his album. Because you hardly hear of Kris’ humanitarian efforts – even though he supposedly did missionary work prior to Idol. But I guess he has been too busy just promoting himself and making money. We all know the causes Adam is involved in, but there has been zilch re Kris.

Oh! Another one. This one has MD in her name, therefore, she must be an AUTHORITY. She is a CONCERNED TROLL WITH SPECIAL KNOWLEDGE NO ONE ELSE HAS BECAUSE SHE HAS MD IN HER ONLINE HANDLE. (Those are the best!)

I don’t question Kris’ intention to go to Haiti, but if he almost died in a missionary trip then IMO he should seriosly consider what value he can bring to the Haiti people – they def don’t need another patient. Even if it’s not a PR thing, in some way this trip could just be a charity consumption that is more to satisfy the individual’s need of sympathy than to *really* benifit the paople in the subject.

I’m not going to judge anyone on their charitable efforts, but I do recall you people also claiming how Adam Lambert was infinitely better because he set up that DonorsChoose.org thing and Kris Allen had attached himself to nothing. Adam Lambert basically stuck his name on a cause and got people to donate, of course, he did offer a special chat with the group who raised the most money. So you people emptied out your bank accounts. DonorsChoose.org did very well, I think, however, you only gave money because you thought you could get closer to your beloved savior.

Kris Allen didn’t really advertise his missionary/relief efforts while on Idol. Or how he got super sick during one such excursion, so sick, in fact, that it took him months to recover. Which makes him even more likable. Hell, Scott MacIntyre (aka The Blind Guy) didn’t bring up the face he had someone else’s kidney. Imagine if he had only made kidney shapes with his hands! He could have stuck around at least another week. Sob stories on Idol make me gag, and I always prefer the contestants who don’t pull that shit.

Kris Allen went on American Idol to perform music. Adam Lambert went on it to be famous. Sure, Kris Allen just got to sing at one of the biggest football games of the year. Adam Lambert got to do red carpet coverage of the SAG awards with E! To each his own. Both of them are trying to build careers. If Kris Allen wants to fly down to Haiti to help give food or clothing, or assist in building shelter, so be it. If Adam Lambert wants to go chit chat with Oprah, who cares. These guys are no longer competing against one another, therefore, you idiots should really get over it.

And if Kris Allen never went on Idol, or even made it as far as he did, don’t you think he might already be in Haiti helping out? It’s not like its something out of character for someone who has been involved in similar endeavors since he was a teenager.

Spewing out such hatred over some guy because he’s doing well just because you’re still bitter he beat your glittery god from planet fierce on a television show which proves itself to be less and less relevant with each passing season? What good do you think this does? Any? I really don’t understand how you people are so psychologically screwed. You should really be trying to get into some of those medical studies. Hey! It’s more money in which to buy Lambert CDs! But most of all, why do you act like such asshats when you should probably know by now that your lord & savior Adam Lambert would probably tell you to go to hell if you said the shit you write on message boards to his face.

Seriously, Glamberts, Glamtards, whatever the hell you are. Your behavior is disgusting. And trust me, you’re not winning any more fans for your lord & savior. You make it very difficult to separate the crazy from the actual Adam, even though we all know you guys are just the pathetic bunch who do nothing else with your time but obsess over the poor guy. Wow. You know something else? I think its your concerted efforts which keep making Kris Allen gain more fans, you know, those fans you talk about who exist outside of the Idol bubble. I don’t know if that’s true, necessarily, as most people just don’t pay attention to American Idol.

Haha, “Chris Allen” is a hot search topic on Google. Looks like his NA got people’s attention. Too bad they don’t know how to spell his name.

To be fair, most people with only a casual knowledge of American Idol might not know his name. A lot of them think that gay guy won. And unfortunately, they don’t know his name, either, let alone how to spell it.

That’s life. You should get out more.