This isn’t a Lifetime Movie — Oh no, it’s worse: AI9 Los Angeles Auditions
Isn’t it ironic how, in the City of Angels — where everyone goes to become a big star — only 10,000 people showed up to the American Idol auditions? Says a lot about the show, in all actuality. But as we all know, a lot of talented people prefer toughing it out on their own. (People like Mario Evon and Marie Davy, for example…have you listened to them yet?)
Pshaw. We all know no one from California will ever win Idol. It’s obvious because whenever anyone from CA makes it to the finals, the Governor NEVER comes out to play. A person can only win American Idol if they come from a state where a somewhat powerful political official comes to congratulate them for making it so far. And if you don’t get a key to the city, you’re pretty much SCREWED. It’s all rather pointless, really. There aren’t any conspiracy theories at play. You just have to be from a state where people might care.
I’m not really sure what Avril Lavigne has done lately. I think she got divorced and pays for her Hot Topic Black Label by shilling for T-Mobile, but I haven’t heard any new music from her in awhile. I’ve never met anyone who actually likes Avril Lavigne, although I will totally admit to having Complicated and My Happy Ending somewhere on my iPod.
He looks like someone…who is it? Who is it? I really hope it comes to me before the end of this excruciating hour. He’s a big geek with a high IQ, and he also got his hair cut in between auditions. Part of me loves Neil Goldstein, but then again, I, too, am a big geek with an above-average IQ. (Oh wow. That just made me sound like more of an asshat than usual.)
But no pun intended, my heart already goes out to Neil because I know he’s going to be crucified by the judges. Plus, I just feel bad for most non-violent criminals forced to ever be in the same room as Kara DioGuardi. Hell, there are some real sickos on Death Row I wouldn’t even wish that shit on!
Neil talks about hope and clicks his tongue a lot. Meanwhile, Avril Lavigne kind of looks ridiculous with the cat-eared hoodie. In all actuality, Neil may not be good, but I’ve heard a lot worse. Neil is tries to force the judges to give him a golden ticket while security hovers in the background. I find it amusing he keeps saying they need to send him to Hollywood, but he already is IN Hollywood. So really, the whole you’re going to Hollywood crap just doesn’t work on this episode now, does it?
Do more than one extended audition before a commercial break? NEVER! And now I’m forced to once again ponder the whole would I sleep with Luke Wilson conundrum before gaining more evidence to back up my theory that Valentine’s Day will be the worst, most obnoxious, most irritating film ever made.
He’s a worship pastor! He’s married! He’s a father of three! He’s singing an original number called Drive AND he enjoys wearing vests with white v-neck t-shirts. He sort of looks like Chaz Bono.
Obviously Jim Ranger has definite musicality. When asked about his voice, Avril Lavigne just says, you’re married, you have kids and you’re a pastor. Oh for frak’s sake. When Shit-For-Brains starts talking about how he can’t do everything…Come on! American Idol is to male worship pastors as Blue Man Group is to any drummer. EVERY ONE OF THEM AUDITIONS.
Avril Lavigne may be the most useless guest judge of the season. I’ve often suspected the lyrics to her songs may have to be spelled out phonetically for her and her Idol stint has not done anything to change my mind thus far.
It’s that time again! Cue the PARADE OF LAUGHABLE FAILURE
Bad editing, as I totally saw Katy Perry sitting there when they claimed it was still Day 1…
Because its just funnier when Asians do it, right?
This is just becoming stupid. I don’t buy it.
Apparently, a lot of aspiring web actors/comedians showed up for the L.A. auditions. At least that’s the vibe I’m getting off MARTIAL ARTIST / SANDWICH MAKER Damien Lefavor. Actually, Damien Lefavor is an aspiring poet.
(In case you were wondering, Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi’s forehead still refuses to move. Wow. Can you imagine what it would be like if stuck in an elevator with both Kara DioGuardi and Teri Hatcher? CAN YOU IMAGINE THE HORROR??)
The judges are obviously mortified at Damien’s rendition of You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling, especially when he attempts hitting The Nemesis, aka the really high note he cannot hit. Ironically, I’ve always considered Avril Lavigne’s Complicated on the medium level of difficulty on the first Karaoke Revolution game for PS2 The Nemesis. Seriously. It never lets me have a gold record.
We may have found the next Adam Lambert.
Oh this will not end well. I don’t even know if I want to go past this commercial break. So some guy from Southern Cali comes in, his brown hair is kind of spiked, and you guys call the next Adam Lambert? Why aren’t you calling all those married worship leaders with sob stories the next Danny Gokey? Or the dudes with skeevy hip thrusts, long hair, and an overall filmy countenance the next Constantine Maroulis?
OMG. I suspect we might see the token offbeat single mom with tattoos whom Top Idol will most likely champion. I feel like they always throw one of those in there, ya know? It’s obviously how they appeal to those frightened by permanent body art, ya know, by choosing those who also have birthed a moderately cute imp. On American Idol, especially if you’re a girl, you can’t be alterna unless you’re materna.
Obviously, I already like Mary as she wears black and things with spikes. She also sings Pat Benetar, whom I’ve loved since I was but a wee barin at three years of age. She kind of looks like Angelina Jolie in 1995’s Hackers…or a less crazy Lori Petty, but I’m willing to bet RANDY and KARA bust out the inevitable Pink comparison within two seconds of her last note. Because you know, all chicks with short bold, artificially-tinted hair who look kind of tough are totally like Pink. Just like every thin black girl with shortish hair is gonna be the second coming of Mary J. Blige.
I like Mary, she has an odd vibrato thing I’m not digging, though. Simon calls her a cliche. Avril Lavigne, of course, loves her. Shit-For-Brains agrees and says rock it girl. Jesus christ, why hasn’t someone kicked the shit out of her yet? It’s a good thing she’s a rich douchebag and doesn’t have to ride public transportation because she would inevitably piss someone off on the subway.
Mary Powers’ cynical little 8-year-old girl also wins. She gets to meet her hero, Simon Cowell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always love it when we see nice guy Simon, because I don’t buy his asshat act for one moment. I actually kind of love Simon Cowell, too. (Oh, and I’m sure they compared her to Pink. It was just edited out. Or maybe they can’t mention Pink’s name in front of Avril Lavigne or something.)
HOLY HELL. ADAM LAMBERT WANNABE MONTAGE. WHAT IS THAT I HEAR? THE HERD OF SPARKLE COWS IS A COMING!
I so called it. Spiked hair = Adam Lambert! But you know you giggled when you saw MICHAEL CASTRO thrown in there, too! One guy says…
If Susan Boyle and Adam Lambert had sex, it would be me. Pretty much.
And then Idol had the best moment since Pants on the Ground! They chopped Susan Boyle with Adam Lambert! THEY MADE A SPARKLE COW! THEY MADE A SPARKLE COW!
They really didn’t have to chop anything, of course, as we’ve already seen many photos of this glistening creature.
Mendoza sent a demo to Adam Lambert, who wrote him back telling him how much he enjoyed it. (Oh, if we could only see this nicey-nice appreciative Adam Lambert more often. I like that Adam Lambert.)
Mendoza does his best Lambert to Cult of Personality, which is really just hilarious. Because frankly, this musical theater guy came in there and screeched and they hated it…I mean…I’m not really sure what they’re trying to say here…especially when you take a gander at A.J. Mendoza’s resume.
Day 2…or when Katy Perry comes into save L.A….because Avril Lavigne was more useless than Randy and Kara.
Have I ever heard Cheap Trick on Idol? Nope. And never by a water treatment tech attempting to channel Mick Jagger. OH NO. Kara said Mick Jagger. Katy Perry says Iggy Pop. Even though I called Jagger, I happen to love that Katy Perry disagreed with Kara. Because this ensures the show will be better than it was 10 or 20 minutes ago.
After Googling, I discover there are a few Austin Fullmers out there. But I wonder if this one is him…another aspiring poet.
ANOTHER FAILURE MONTAGE
Yup. The talented people who thought they had a shot, mixed in with a few kooks so it looks like, you know, the judges are always right — OMG NO NO NO NO NO. ITS ASHLEY FURL THE CRYING GIRL!
Ha. Ha. Ha. Bet you thought you would get more airtime, huh? Glad the home schooling and braids aren’t working out for you in your quest to be some childesque teen star. And for chrissake, stop fraking crying. You’re 16 now. GROW A PAIR.
Another FATHER. I wonder if Idol thinks married fatherly types will discourage the frauen?
I was born and raised in Compton.
Garcia’s family was in gangs. Like, his dad has gang tatts, and you know, he was born and raised in Compton. We already know Andrew Garcia makes it far in Hollywood, even if we know he won’t make it far with the frauen. They never embrace those tanner ethnic types…even if he has better taste in eyewear and a stronger voice than say, Danny Gokey.
The soulful Garcia excites the judges, even Simon. Kara looks like she is about to eat him, so I automatically want to protect Andrew Garcia because even highly-useful survival skills picked up in Compton will NOT keep you safe from that scary-ass crazy-eyed slag. (I think Andrew’s kid has a rat tail…didn’t he?)
Personal assistant by day…minister by night? Are you like a Scientologist who audits people with those e-meters or something? Southern belle Tasha is cute and wears nice necklaces, but she’s rather bland. But she’s perky and smiley enough.
OMG. CONSTANTINE MAROULIS IS THAT YOU?
I guess I gotta kind of give props to a Johnny Wier-wannabe who auditions for American Idol with Divinyls’ I Touch Myself. Kara, constantly searching for affirmations of relevancy from much-younger men, totally plays into his little act, although its cloying rather than cute. Katy Perry tells him he makes her feel dirty. Kara claims its hard to make girls feel dirty. Uh…okay…you’re more of an idiot than I previously thought. WOW.
Actually Jason Greene is all sorts of awesome. He gives Ryan Seacrest his phone number, who just uses it as another emphatic denial of his alleged homosexuality. Jason Greene, I hope you make it as an actor one day, or at least get steady roles as minor one-off characters in network crime dramas.
TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL AND USEFUL MONTAGE OF KATY AND KARA BEING KATTY
Katy Perry, I was never a big fan of yours, until now.
I’d like to throw my Coke in your face.
If I had a bunch off coke, I would totally plant it in Kara’s car and call CHIPs with her plate number. Just kidding! I’m not that mean, but I may just download the rest Katy Perry’s album when I’m finished with this shit show. You. Rule. Katy. Perry.
HOLY FUCK ME. THEY SHOWED THE CURLY ORPHAN BOY WATCHING TRAINS! WATCHING TRAINS!
No. For reals. Idol, you can’t be serious. You filmed the orphan guy watching trains go by. What? No M.I.A.’s Paper Planes as the soundtrack as our fair-haired afro-bo watched the freight trains go by as he walked along the opposite side of the fence.
This 25-year-old shoe salesman was obviously created in some special Idol contestant factory. He even auditions with Stand By Me.
When I was a kid, I was so wanting to be loved.
For chrissake, Kara tells him how his tragic back story will make people connect with him.
This isn’t a Lifetime movie.
OMG. Katy Perry, you are my new favorite person. And Chris Golightly, you may be one of the biggest pieces of frau meat I have ever laid eyes on. But I guess you always wanted a mother figure, so guess what? You’ve now got lots of them!
Oh, Kara. At least you have someone to keep you company on those long, cold and lonely nights at the judge’s table.
Only 22 people made it from L.A., including Gokey pal Jamar Rogers (who dropped out of the competition last fall) and some annoying blond chick. I have higher hopes for tomorrow night. Dallas! Going to the Big D! NPH is gonna be there. And everything is better with Neil Patrick Harris. Duh. Everyone knows this is true.
I totally just wanted to look at it again.