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I am about to fall asleep: American Idol Season 9 Denver Auditions

February 3, 2010

Do you ever have one of those OMG OMG OMG MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP moments? Sometimes I do. Like tonight. When I started watching American Idol.

Would someone please tell me why Kara DioGuardi is wearing a cocktail dress? Oh yes. Because Victoria Beckham is there. And she always wears cocktail dresses. Listen bitch, you ain’t Posh.

Mark Labriola
This guy is so obsessed with the fact someone told him he reminds them of Jack Black, he’s adopted his whole persona. But I can’t really hold it against him, because he’s adopted the greatest sob story EVER. I can’t believe the judges are mocking this sob story, when its everything they look for in a person. He even has a little boy. Hell, I love the fact this guy’s last name sounds a bit like labia. And I love the fact he can actually kind of sing…and that he’s singing Squeeze.

This dude is like anti-theist Danny Gokey with better eyewear, a nutsack and a soul.

Mario Galvan
He sings Jailhouse Rock and he has a forehead scar to rival mine. But I don’t have an army trench.

(Hi Kris Allen Ford commercial. Hi Luke Wilson and your square-ass jaw I can’t decide if I want to sleep with. Hi Bones commercial. Hi Fringe winter finale preview…WTF?)

Kimberly Kerbow
This chick’s kid has apparently been to many America’s Next Top Model auditions, as she cannot keep her where-I-am-for-mommys-reality-show-audition-cutesy-line straight. She sings about buying Simon Rogaine, but I think she’s letting us know more about our issues, as she is probably wearing a wig.

OMG. Thank you, Simon. He totally noticed the wig, too.

(Thank you, Pearl Cream, for leaving me Blue Moon.)

In an effort to buoy our hope in humanity, they let a bunch of people go through to Hollywood.

Danielle Hayes
ANOTHER SINGLE MOMMY!

A lot of bars. A lot of casinos. A lot of corporate parties. And a lot of putting on a smile.

She totally sounds like I do on a regular basis, as I’ve had a smoker’s voice at least a decade before I’ve had a cigarette. Simon likes her, b/c he thinks she’s broken and Idol will rescue her from corporate hell. Shit-For-Brains spouts off some bullshit, while I just love Victoria Beckham so much more than I ever thought I could.

SOME BULLSHIT FASHION MONTAGE IN HONOR OF POSH

Casey James
Frau bait!!! Frau bait!!! Motorcycle accident. Scars. Southern accent. Guitar. Ponytail. Simon thinks its a terrible audition. Posh wants to see him with his hair down and thinks he has a great look. Shit-For-Brains wants him to work on his personality and UNBUTTON HIS SHIRT. Which only makes me think of one thing…

Tori Kelly
She’s 16! But surrounded by children! And she’s gonna sing DOUCHEBAG MUSIC (aka Gravity by John Mayer). I really only envy her tan. I often can’t believe she’s 16, but not in a good way. I do love Posh’s fashion angle, though, as she was never the best singer, and she made it big. And small…b/c she probably only eats twice a month.

A bunch of people are going to Hollywood but I’m just gonna have another sip of beer and a chocolate chip cookie. On the commercial break, I learn Charles Barkley is now shilling for Taco Bell, and I realize perfection may be closer than I ever imagined.

Austin Paul
Football player/composer. What is this? Tim Tebow on a moped? His voice makes me want to slash my wrists. And finally someone gets a no.

Kenny Everett
Kenny says his singing is a public service to others because he does it in public places (i.e., a park) and it brings people together. He can’t believe he sucks. And I can’t help but loving Victoria Beckham’s effort at positivity.

How can four people tell you you can’t sing, yet you know you’re a good singer?

MONTAGE OF MILE HIGH FAIL

Some scary Hot Topic goth girl who kills cats, a few most-likely talented people, and others that suck.

Nicci Nix
This girl lives in Italy. She has some freaky-ass speaking voice and flew all the way from Florence, Italy to audition for this shit show. Well how can you not take her after she flew 14 hours? While her eyebrows are totally penciled on, she has a most natural forehead at age 22…much more than I can say for in-her-late-30s Kara DioGuardi. I don’t really get the song she’s singing…and I think she might bug me, especially since her speaking voice just does not quite fit. Naturally, Posh notices her beautiful skin. Hey, why, when anyone says 100% yes, Shit-For-Brains has to play the upper card and say 1000% yes?

MIRACLE BABY? MIRACLE BABY? MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!!!

Haeley Vaughn
Why must you spell your name that way? Is it because you were a premie? Is it because your daddy is dead? Is it because OMG SHE IS ONLY 16? Is it because you talk without ever taking a breath?

If I can be the first blackm kind of country mainstream singer, it would change my life.

In Haeley’s defense, she’s kind of…good? She’s kind of different. Posh likes her clothes. Kara likes that she’s you know, a black pop country singer. And there’s not that many of them. Despite her trite sob story and Shit-For-Brains’ insipid commentary, part of me doesn’t entirely mind this Haeley Vaughn. I give it time, though. Just wait until Hollywood Week.

26 made it to Hollywood…wait…we’re not done?

Ty Hemmerling (aka Bikini Boy)
And no one is interested. Perhaps he shouldn’t have sang Billy Ray Cyrus.

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30 Comments leave one →
  1. spinshack permalink
    February 4, 2010 9:02 am

    I liked the Fabio/Sergio moment, it woke my azz up from semi-napping. Only thing that would made it better if Dio-Tard-i & Posh would have asked him to twirl around a bit and dance… Those silly girls, having their cheap Chippendales moment. I mean seriously what’s not to love about a hot guy who’ll get naked on command & they did not even have to wave a dollar bill? ha.

    I really don’t watch this show to see if they find any good singers anymore, that’s so 2006, I watch it to glean bits of entertainment through the faux drama and uber faux reality of it all; too watching the viewers’ fall outs over the contestants, on-line, pretty groovy too .

  2. Pandora permalink
    February 3, 2010 7:44 pm

    My complete least favorite was that really annoying Tori girl. She’s 16? She looks at least 25, if not older. And seemed to have zero personality and only minimal talent. Ugh.

    I’m going on vacation tomorrow for a few days, I’ll miss you all!

  3. 8sourcandy permalink
    February 3, 2010 7:32 pm

    That Jon Hamm photo is scary.

    • TopIdol permalink
      February 4, 2010 12:59 am

      Oh Sour, stop trying to get my panties in a bunch by talking smack about my Better-Than-Boar’s-Head-Boy. He embraced the Fabio comparisons. He embraced them!!!

      Sergio is delightfully scary. We will be seeing much of Sergio this season.

      • freedavidcook permalink
        February 4, 2010 10:50 am

        Hey, Jon Hamm can show up as Sergio at my house any day of the week..

  4. the tard king permalink
    February 3, 2010 5:49 pm

    I liked the guy who sang “Tempted” because when Simon asked him to say something interesting about himself, he said “I like cheese”. But if I’m being honest, the song choice was far better than the execution.

    Haeley really spells her name that way? I have a hard enough time dealing with “Kristopher” with a “K”.

    • lin permalink
      February 3, 2010 6:28 pm

      My sons name is Kristopher with a “K”. I had the name Christopher all picked out for him and at the last minute changed the spelling. Don’t know why, just wanted his name to be a little different from all the other Christophers out there. Hes 25 now and we always called him Kris too. He liked his name being different Haeley spelled that way really bugs me though. Does anyone remember that Kelly Ripas name on All My Children was Haley Vaughn? I kept thinking that last nite.

      • TopIdol permalink
        February 3, 2010 6:33 pm

        And since she’s only a teenager, I would imagine she was named after that, no?

        I don’t trust people named after soap opera characters. Like every girl you meet in their teens or early 20s named Kayla had a mother who watched Days of Our Lives. (My apologies if anyone is named Kayla…but if so, did your mom watch Days?)

        • jukejoint permalink
          February 3, 2010 6:49 pm

          I was a library volunteer creating cards for children in the 80s, and there were all these little Khrystalles and Allexuses and one Ceegee.

          Just say no to soap opera names.

  5. February 3, 2010 2:55 pm

    I keep wondering if AI in some misguided attempt to make the audition shows entertaining, has only been showing us the crappy singers. Maybe they will spring all the people with actual talent on us during Hollywood week. Okay probably not but I remain optimistic.

    Football player/composer guy gave me the creeps. Somewhere along the way he became convinced that he is hot and charismatic. It was probably some freshman girl in high school who just wanted to be able to say she was dating a football player.

  6. notarding permalink
    February 3, 2010 2:12 pm

    i”ve been bored to tears. Tired of the stupid sob stories. I should have been on there. I can sing and I stubbed my toe 8 years ago.

  7. pattyluponey permalink
    February 3, 2010 11:57 am

    That girl crying about getting corporate gigs totally pissed me off. Ur getting jobs, honey, get over it! And talk about a total lack of control of her vocals. That whole thing was shouted.

  8. auntieaimee permalink
    February 3, 2010 11:25 am

    Nobody really impressed me vocally, so I will go by personality and say that I liked Danielle and Haeley. All of the judges were supremely annoying, even Simon. Grilling that kid about his life? Did not understand the point of that. Then the hooey about saving Danielle from corporate hell? Huh? Give me a break. Casey skeeved me out when he took his shirt off for Kara. How desperate can you get? Gross!

  9. Trish permalink
    February 3, 2010 10:54 am

    And I hope Smokey kicks Simon Fuller’s sorry ass.

    • wino permalink
      February 3, 2010 6:13 pm

      hehe, would be nice to unleash smokey on kara and the rest of the panel one of these days. im done w. the auditions. they never showcase true talent, spend too much time on fake sob stories, and for the most part, the kids are always too nervous to really stand out. i find the contestants bring their A game in hollywood…which is why i hope simon fuller doesnt fk it up again this year by spending too much time on another bikini girl.

  10. Trish permalink
    February 3, 2010 10:53 am

    Show absolutely sucked. Even FFing through it, it was intolerable. When does Hollywood start? Because I think I’m done with these audition episodes.

  11. LeighKat permalink
    February 3, 2010 10:49 am

    It seems that these auditions episodes have just gotten worse since I started watching them. Are they over now? Is tonight Hollywood. I can’t take anymore of this.

    Warning: moving into Kristard mode-

    have you heard some of the interviews Kris has done in the Philippines? Kinda fuuny!

  12. Kathy permalink
    February 3, 2010 6:56 am

    I watched Lost too. And as usual am still going WTF?? lol I will watch Idol in a little bit. I did flip over during a few commercials and caught Casey. I am a southern girl who can appreciate a ponytail and accent. He’s is ok but then he actually takes his shirt off when asked. ZZZttt. That’s it,I dislike him. Caught Danielle too. She was ok. A voice there but why is it when I think someone is being indulgent Simon never calls them on it. HBD with an electric guitar on Come Together was indulgent and she wasn’t? oops, tarded there for a second. I also saw the kid bring in drawings and giggled when I heard someone named Simon say drarrrrwings. Tell me someone remembers that from SNL.

    • deez permalink
      February 3, 2010 10:20 am

      Mike Myers in the bathtub! Wasn’t his character named Simon? LOL!

      • TopIdol permalink
        February 3, 2010 2:28 pm

        I loved Simon…and I like to do drawwwwwwings.

        Cheeky monkey, stop looking at my bum, you bumlooker, you!

    • saskin permalink
      February 3, 2010 10:55 am

      Yeah. Me too. Lost. I am happy to report that Kate is still very annoying. Fondling Sawyer like 10 minutes after he buried Juliet in front of Jack? Good going Kate.

      • 8sourcandy permalink
        February 3, 2010 7:34 pm

        When you get a chance can you review the rules for picking contestants. I picked mine already, can I keep her?

        thanks

        • jukejoint permalink
          February 3, 2010 8:30 pm

          It’s being discussed in the Idol Quickies thread. Come on over! I think you get to keep Bowersox Girl. The rest of us are picking now. But we also need more recruits to play, so… Recruit!

          That was my attempt.

          • jukejoint permalink
            February 3, 2010 8:40 pm

            So far…

            8sourcandy — Crystal Bowersox
            deez — Orphan
            jukejoint — Katelyn Epperly
            Lauren — John Park
            Mithra — Todrick

    • stanless permalink
      February 3, 2010 1:52 pm

      Drawrings lol, yes, I was thinking SNL too. And ENOUGH WITH THE FREAKING BACKSTORIES! Single Mom, so freaking what?
      And Shit-for-brains is the best nickname EVER.

  13. Sandy permalink
    February 3, 2010 6:07 am

    No one has really stood out for me yet but Casey James seems to have caught Holly’s eye. She had one of her sock-puppets, awesome-dave, asking what everyone thought of him. She seems to be ready to move on to her next victim.

  14. erinnthered permalink
    February 3, 2010 2:31 am

    I’m skipping the auditions this year, but I’m hearing that there wasn’t a single “OMG he/she was awesome!” in the bunch? Is there any potential at all? Was NPH worth going back to watch? Katy Perry?

    I hope Hollywood makes some sense of all this.

  15. deez permalink
    February 3, 2010 2:29 am

    I really liked Mark Labriola…mainly because he did “Squeeze”. I love Squeeze, they are totally underrated. Pretty much Ditto to everything you said, TI. If Bikini Boy gets to come back and sing for laughs at the finale, will we get to see Simon rip open a trench coat?

  16. Lauren permalink
    February 3, 2010 1:52 am

    Glad I opted to watch LOST instead. I know I can always count on you to tell me everything that actually mattered!

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