AI 9 Hollywood Group Night: Tensions are obviously running higher than ever before
Tonight may be my favorite of nights during the entire American Idol season– Hollywood Week’s Group Night! And this is so not just because it is the only time on American Idol in which the very thought of a group sing does not make me want to commit hari kari.
As we know from past Hollywood Weeks…THE STAKES ARE HIGHER THAN EVER BEFORE. AND EVEN HIGHER THAN THE STAKES ARE THE TENSIONS. Yeah, I totally could start writing anything that comes out of Ryan Seacrest’s mouth at this point.
But really! Who doesn’t just love the drama which unfolds when guileless schmucks, catty queens, single moms and soulful boys-next-door “randomly” come together in joyful song? Who doesn’t love the bitch fights and the tears? They even make them do their own choreography.
Apparently, my favorite (do I remember him?) from last night — aka the guy who hoisted Ryan Seacrest about.5m off the ground — is in a group with one of the over-sized glasses girls AND the frightening ZEFRON BIEBER EYEBROWS. They call themselves the Mighty Rangers…they all auditioned in Denver and just happened to find one another. NOOOOO. Danny Gokey footage! NOOOOO Zefron Bieber Eyebrows has a full name — Danny Jones. NOOOOO!
The Dreamers can’t get their shit together. They are soooo going to be this year’s Team Compromise! It’s called foreshadowing. And while last year had the uber-successful group White Chocolate, I am definitely gonna say Neapolitan is the best group name I’ve heard since…White Chocolate. It’s always best to play upon your racial diversity by making it happy and friendly. Like naming it after confectionaries, candies, and especially ice cream. We all are 31 flavors and then some. Racial harmony could be as simple as the freezer case at your nearest Baskin Robbins!
Poor Neapolitan can’t catch a break. Some bastard group with useless piece of shit Toddrick Hall, either Ben Honeycutt/Tyler Grady and some bitch dressed like Lindsay Lohan on her way into the Valley to pick up the good shit from her dealer, they’re singing way too close to Neapolitan! SEE?? MAS DRAMA! TENSIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH!
Michael Lynche, the soon-to-be-father/cuddly black dude is away from the drama! He and his group finished early. They are also already calling him Big Mike (If you have a nickname this soon in the game, your ass is being pimped.) and they show his group…of which I suspect he and the other big dude are the only ones worth ever having a conversation with, as they are paired with Michael Castro and Tim Urban. This is a bizarre group in many aspects. Oh, and Michael Castro is grinning like a 9-year-old lass who was just told by her mother they were going to the American Girl Store.
I will say it again. I don’t think Michael Lynche is an asshat for not being there for the birth of his child. It is perfectly acceptable for an eighteen-year-old kid to marry his eighteen-year-old girlfriend, enlist in the military, knock her up, and be shipped off to the middle east. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. American Idol...Afghanistan. Trust me, I don’t suck that much, but hear me out here — which is more “responsible?” Getting married and joining the military at 18, and getting your wife pregnant before shipping out to a place where you might be killed? Or going to Los Angeles for a week to audition for a show at age 27 when it was not even certain your wife would go into labor during that brief, 5-7 day period? Hell, he might even be able to watch that shit via a webcam–as we already have seen, they had someone filming that spectacle and totally sent it to the Idol producers.
The night continues…the Mighty Rangers talk about their killer choreography and Big Red Glasses girl talks about something (she’s a Dreamer). The Dreamers are all sorts of fail. Michael Orland even tells Mary Powers to shut the frak up.
JESUS CHRIST. COULD WE CHILL ON THE SMARTWATER PRODUCT PLACEMENT?
Destiny’s Wild can all die. Even in the morning. Debra Byrd aka the Debbie Allen of American Idol, tells Phoenix they suck donkey balls and don’t know their heads from their assholes. Big Mike’s wife dilated to 8 centimeters. I really hate Destiny’s Wild. Todrick Hall is a douche and who is the chick in the back trying to be Rhianna? And don’t even get me started on the guy who looks like 150 other previous male Idol wannabees. Is that Ben Honeycutt? I can’t keep track of these people anymore. Oh yeah, and I just really don’t feel the need. I’m hoping they will flash their names on screen when performance time comes.
Maybe in some group, one of these nameless every-dudes will stick out in a sea of fug? I remember this time last year, sitting on this very West Elm sofa (product placement!), writing my little recap, totally freezing the screen so I could include the one outside-idol-fantardlandia-attractive guy I had seen on Idol since say, Ace Young. Even if I thought he looked constipated. (That’s the beauty of my crude screenshots.)
(I have an eye for these things. No, really. I’m like the Pop Culture Miss Cleo. When I saw Lord of the Rings on opening night, I whispered to my friend that the “blond elf” would be huge. She laughed at me. And then he got hugely popular for a little while. I bought my niece an Orlando Bloom calendar for two Xmases in a row and that was one of her favorite gifts! I also said the same thing about the “wheelchair guy” in Gattaca. In October, I called a Saints vs. Indy Super Bowl and said the Saints would win. And from about the Top 6 onward of last year’s Idol, I said the final two would be Kris Allen and Adam Lambert. And no, I don’t think I’m smart or special or that you should ever listen to me. I think I just spewed a bunch of narssistic nonsense because I needed to make myself feel better after eating almost an entire container of french onion dip. Granted, it was with Baked Lays, but I now have french onion dip aftertaste.)
Mary Powers, I am so done with you. And that guy. Yeah, I was never with you to begin with. I am convinced you are the Lost London Brother.
The groups are called in and hold up! One is called The Parkettes? Lilly Scott is in The Parkettes! (I was totally a Parkette. Like, in high school. That’s what the color guard was/is called. Yeah, I was a flag girl. Shut the frak up.) And because reality television is also about impeccable timing, this is also when Michael Lynche’s baby decides its had enough of his wife’s womb. Come on! We have iPhones now! We don’t actually have to like, ever be in the same room with anyone.
Charity Vance, Michelle Delamor, Ashley Rodriguez
I pretty much eschew anything or anyone that calls themselves faith. The fact there is a Charity in this Faith tells me all I need to know. And seriously, Ashley Rodriguez? You are so boring. I think I may have liked Michelle Delamor during her audition? Yes? No? I can’t tell these people apart anymore. They sing that Beyonce song about commanding the dumped-on-his-ass guy to put all of his belonging in the box that’s not on the right. Yawn. So bored. All of them make it because hey, you know, THIS IS A GIRL’S YEAR.
Michael Lynche, Seth Rollins, Michael Castro, Tim Urban
Seth Rollins was the guy with the (in my non-professional opinion mildly) autistic kid, right? Ok. Now I totally remember him. See, its much, much easier if you give me a sob story to remember these people by than say, actual vocal ability or name. I have no idea why I’m kind of rooting for Michael Lynche. He sang John Mayer and timed his wife’s labor to perfectly coincide with Idol’s Hollywood Week! I think its more that he’s from Astoria, and for whatever reason, I kind of love parts of Astoria. (Best waxer EVER in this salon called Gigi. And super affordable! If you’re ever in Queens, go have her take off all your unwanted body hair.) Perhaps its because I am always sympathetic to anyone of African-American descent whose last name has the word lynch in it.
However, Team Awesome’s song was super trite. And we already know Michael Lynche makes it. Duh. He’s been on every spoiler list, was rumored to have been disqualified after his father allegedly told a local paper he made it to the Top 24, and oh yeah, they didn’t reuse his compelling back story footage. They filmed NEW stuff. But hey, good riddance Michael Castro. And Seth Rollins, well, they can’t take two big ‘n’ cuddly ethnic daddy types who became buddies during their audition. Haven’t you watched this show before? NEVER! MAS DRAMA MY FRIEND MAS DRAMA!
Jessica Cunningham, Liz Rooney, Thaddeus Johnson, Random Midget Black Girl
So asshat group Destiny’s Wild is also singing Bad Romance. I assume they will claim Neapolitan ripped their asses off. I don’t really care who came up with it, Bad Romance is all sorts of awesome. And while Worcester gal Liz Rooney kind of sucked, I still liked her because she reminded me of that Amy Poehler character named Kaitlin from SNL. I kept wanting her to scream, but RICKKKKKK! I wanna get my ears pierced. And this made me smile.
How often do I have to be subjected to watching Kara DioGuardi chair dance? It’s painful. PAINFUL. And who is Theri? They gave it a subtitle. Oh, jesus. It’s the Rhianna wannabe. Really. Anyone who goes on American Idol WITH a uni-monkier already should instantly be cut.
Theri, Todrick Hall, Siobhan Magnus, Jareb Liewer
So the Lost London Brother is JAREB. What? Did the person typing up the birth certificate hit the b instead of the n? Jareb sounds like layman’s terminology for an ass pimple. Siobhan Magnus is the shining star of this group, which isn’t saying much. Theri has no eyes. And Todrick Hall backflipped his way into the Idol Douchebag Hall of Fame.
I think I hate these people. And their rendition of Bad Romance was overwrought with cheesy, cheap theatrics they likely picked up from that damned Glee show.
I have no idea why they keep sending nearly everyone through to the next round. And really. If I hear Get Ready one more time on Idol, I just, well, I just can’t take
Tori Kelly, Maddie Penrose, Mark Labriola, Kimberly Kerbow, Danny Jones
Big Red Glasses Girl now has on big green glasses. She kind of bugs. And Zefron Bieber Eyebrows just sucks. Mark Labriola, dammit it, man. I love that guy. It could have been like Kevin Smith doing Idol. AND I HAVE THE SAME T-SHIRT! From Threadless, the Spoilt tee! Watching Mark cry makes me sad.
BUT YAY! Zefron Bieber Eyebrows is gone! Now I can’t make fun of him anymore. Of course, since I actually do have a heart, I often feel bad when even those who frighten me get sent packing. I am sensitive like that. It sucks.
Jermaine Sellers, Kat Nessell, Ben Honeycutt, Jeff Goldford, Morrea Masa
Kat Nessell bails. Like literally. Homegirl picked up and went home. Way to choke! Second-time Hollywood Week attendee Morrea Masa forgets the lyrics to Carry On My Wayward Son. (Also bringing back memories of my days as a flag girl. Can you believe we had a routine to that shit?) Finally saw Ben Honeycutt sing. I guess I can’t keep calling all young guys with mussed hair and open shirts Ben Honeycutt. Jeff and Jermaine make it. Morrea needs to shut up. She’s only 17. And I suspect Jeff Goldford could attract his fair share of frauen.
Holy trainwreck. Gwen Stefani, ugh. But was that a JOHN PARK sighting??? John Park! Orientals for Idol! Hey, why isn’t any other group taking issue with other groups singing the same song? The former convict was sent home, and some others, including some guy who looked a lot like Vinny from Jersey Shore. But yay! Carmen Turner is gone. And I’ve already forgotten this one’s name but I have two words for her:
For chrissake, when I went out to the bars in college, I would ONLY wear waterproof mascara and eye liner. Because how was I supposed to know what night I was gonna have? I could have ended up crying in a bathroom stall! If I took this much consideration about the variable unknown in going out and boozing it up in a a college town, wouldn’t you have thought to have done the same if you were going into a high-pressure, high-stress environment such as American Idol group night? And we didn’t even have digital cameras back then! You go into a situation like this when there’s a full-camera crew and you let your mascara run down your fraking face like you’re the second coming of the not-cool, 1980s Tammy Faye Bakker? Get your sorry, soot-laden face and get your ass on the plane back home. I can’t even look at you anymore.
And you know who else I can’t look at? Kara DioGuardi. Especially Kara DioGuardi bobbing her head up and down. Does she think its gonna shake some of the Botox loose or something? It is a certain, indisputable fact Kara DioGuardi is incapable of doing anything which will not make a person want to shank her ass.
Janell Wheeler, Jermaine Purifory, Casey James
Well, ain’t this just a trio of chosen ones. Shiny new pennies. Commercial! I bet they know what kind of artists they’ll be! Quit bobbing your damned head, Kara DioGuardi.
Three Men and a Baby
Andrew Garcia, Katie Stevens, J.B. Ahfua, nameless black gentleman
I can’t be the only one getting the Gokey vibe off Gang Bang Garcia now, can I? That shit was pure Gokey. I swear, this season, fad eyewear may be in competition with guitars as the go-to prop…besides a dead relative, cancer or hangnail, of course.
The Dreamers (aka DRAMA)
Mary Powers, Hope Johnson, Alex Lambert, Margo May,
Margo May–WHO THE HELL LET YOUR ASS IN HERE? You look and sound like something out of a V.C. Andrews novel.
Alex Lambert, you are so screwed because your name isn’t exactly unlike Adam Lambert. I have a feeling this could prove disastrous on about as many levels as there are rungs of hell. Mary, Hope and Alex make it to the next round.
Bullshit montage punctuated with Shit-For-Brains telling Katie Fraking Stevens (I HATE THIS KID. IT IS OFFICIAL.) she could be the winner of American Idol. Oh. And it ends with a voiceover quote from Casey James. Idol…you’re just telling people how to vote. Just shut your trap.