AI9 Top 24 (Part 1): Your tragic back story just was not as strong as their tragic back story

Whoa. Two hellacious hours of American Idol. Do we really need to spread the Top 24 selection over TWO NIGHTS? Especially when there is men’s figure skating for the taking? Ah yes. This is when they tell two rooms to get the hell out. It’s all coming back to me now.

I really, really do not want to see Angela Martin get booted for what? The third time. What’s not to like about that girl? Jermaine Purifory sings Brick House, because he believes the world needs more Brick House. Casey James decides to take the new in thing on Idol — taking a “feminine” song and making it masculine. So he sings Colbie Callie’s Bubbly, which is totally better than the original. But that’s not too difficult, considering singing about Scubbing Bubbles would even be better than that Bubbly, the most grating, overplayed song of 2007-2008. Not sure what happened to Colbie Callie. I assume she’s living in some squat house with K.T. Tunstall.

Yawn. Faux drama! Although I’ve never understood why Idol is unable to provide sofas or other suitable seating for those stuck awaiting their fate. Oh yes. That wouldn’t make it so DRAMATIC! It would not remind one of say, what probably went on in the third class section of the Titanic an hour after the iceberg struck.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? They added echo effects to the judges’ last words? In any case, Jermaine Sellers’ Man in the Mirror did nothing for me. Hey, Kris Allen’s didn’t do anything for me, either! I just hate that song. Cape Cod’s Siobhan Magnus could be kind of appealing in a Punky Brewster sort of way, but I would bet serious cash she bought that Ramones patch from Hot Topic.

Crystal Bowersox! How I love thee! I want to know who autographed your guitar. She even “mumbled-out” the word stoned from Sheryl Crow’s If It Make You Happy. Crystal Bowersox rules.

THAT JASON MRAZ SONG WHICH WILL JUST NOT DIE

Alex Lambert will likely get zero love from me. His familiar-sounding name and his lame-ass mandolin guitar. He’s “sing-a-like” performance of that Jason Mraz song, which, just like saccharine, has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Michael Lynche sings the same damn song, and by all indications, will sing a James Blunt ditty the next time we hear him. For a big black man, Lynche has the musical taste of a freshman sorority girl.

And then Todrick Hall shows up, singing the same damn song, but with his own spin. Todrick looks like a rent boy. This yahoo’s douche-i-tude if off the charts.

Thaddeus Johnson and his mother are all sorts of adorable.

I’m not bubbly. I’m Man in the Mirror…but I’m a bubbly person.

He’s only 17? I had no idea! No wonder his mom’s with him! I really want to go over to their house for Thanksgiving. And his Man in the Mirror blows Jermaine Sellers’ rendition out of the water.

Charity Vance boasts all qualities I hate of my televised reality talent competition contestants. Too young, too pale, too blond and too bland, with a too icky-sweet name. And then there is that night shift pastor chick whose name keeps eluding me, but the fact she’s a pastor….and Mary Powers disappointed me after she got to Hollywood.

I think she’s interesting because she’s older.

Oh Simon. They’re all younger than say, me? I’m not that old…Luckily, the producers cut to Mary’s cute little girl clutching a stuffed animal cheering for her Mommy. Then there’s the cuddly black dock worker Lloyd Thomas crying because he misses his wife and kids. To tug on your heartstrings even more, there’s also the Singing Albino Cop Brian Walker.

Mommy. Dock worker. Police officer. THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT!!! THIS IS AMERICA!!! These are all the figures you’re not supposed to shoot while playing Hogan’s Alley!

Hope Johnson is emotionally fragile. And she had to overcome a lot of poverty when she was little.

Hey, at least that poverty kept her skinny! I kid, I kid. Why is she singing that lame Daughtry song? Yeah. Hope has no hope. She sucked ass. Room 2 is obviously screwed. Sorry singing cop and night shift pastor girl.

Room 3 obviously is going to make it, as Ashley Rodriguez (YAWN) and Didi Benami (PLANT) are sitting their uncomfortably. At least when the cameras are rolling. Shelby Dressel is freaking out in her cowboy boots! It’s all Michael Orland can do from going full-on bitchy gay on her ass. Shelby sings Boston’s More Than a Feeling, of which the arrangement didn’t really have all that many actual lyrics to remember. So really, Michael Orland, you should have gotten more bitchy with her. Aaron Kelly forgets his lyrics as his mother aunt and her Ogilvie Home Perm watch intently from the audience. Aaron should be the next American Idol because his biological parents suck and his aunt and uncle raised him. Come on, Aaron! Didn’t you know there’s a real-life ORPHAN this season! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Ashley Rodriguez sings Beyonce’s Jordin Sparks’ Battlefield and continues to prove she’s everything I hate about music. Plus, that was a song sung by…a former Idol contestant! WHY WHY WHY MUST THEY DO THAT? Lee Dewyze sings The Fray. Joe Munoz sings NO NO NO NOT AGAIN Man in the Mirror. Haeley Vaughn shows up with her misspelled name and guitar and sings OH NO NO NO NO NOT AGAIN that Jason Mraz song. And once again I am forced to feel bad for likening a teenage girl to a transvestite.

Room 3 is a total snoozer. We all know they go through, so please, must we be subjected to even more of this caterwauling of tunes from the World’s Most Overplayed Songbook? No! We’re not done! Because Janell Wheeler (aka Tim Tebow’s girlfriend he doesn’t have premarital sex with) is gonna sing Taylor Swift’s Romeo & Juliet. Crap. I totally feel bad and everything but…why did her family abort the e from her name? IT DRIVES ME NUTS. (Yeah. I know. I went there. She’s the one dating Tim Tebow!)

I could really do without the voiceover bullshit. I expect Idol to be cheesy, but now they’ve truly proven there are no boundaries to cliche and corny. And this is the time of the night when I wonder “aloud” if I would bang Luke Wilson. While I’m pondering bedding Luke Wilson, I’m shocked to see a NEW Kris Allen for Ford Commercial! He’s talking about leaves (i.e., green, carbon friendly, he’ll stick his carbon footprint up your ass) and I am still in awe that they actually gave an Idol contestant a REAL Ford commercial. Just as I’m about to hit fast forward, Charles Barkley is singing about Taco Bell.

Ok. I gotta stop. I’m not getting any younger and this shit lasts two whole hours! Let’s hurry this shit show up! Especially because we totally know Room 2 is OUT OF THERE.

But before the judges tell them the gig is up, we are forced to see (more of…?) ROOM 1! Wait! Didn’t we do this already? Lilly Scott is a total plus. Andrew Garcia still reminds me of Gokey, even with the guitar. And that ain’t a good thing. The judges arrive to hand them their fates, entrusting newbie Ellen DeGeneres to do it. Naturally, Kara DioGuardi is woefully overdressed in a desperate attempt to prove she is hip, hot and RELEVANT. (No one told her that might have worked had she been able to get a Maxim spread in 2000.)

Duh. Room 1 goes through. I even see Gang Bang Garcia and Orphan Boy embrace! Room 1 also includes Chosen One Katie Stevens and screamer/glassblowing apprentice Siobhan Magnus. Actually, Siobhan has now earned a point in my book for not casting her gaze towards the heavens proclaiming this is the best day ever.

Meanwhile, Boston’s Fox affiliate is uber-lucky because they have Ayla Brown spilling IDOL SECRETS!

Big surprise. It’s BAD NEWS for Room 2. OH NOOOOOOO!!! YOUR DREAM IS DEAD DEAD DEAD!! THERE IS NO MORE HOPE!!!

Idol shot the mommy, the dock worker and the police officer! Game over in Hogan’s Alley! It’s a good thing they can feel better about themselves after taking the reformed gang banger, the orphan, and a bunch of other single mommies and married daddies.

Well golly gee. Can you even believe it is actually now LESS suspenseful than it was before? Must we even bother with watching them tell Room 3 everything is okay? Have they not deduced everything via outside noise? If the carpeting is that bad, you know the walls can’t be that thick. But before we inform them of the good news, let’s take a final parting glance at Mary Powers, her arty manfriend (He’s bald! He wears sunglasses indoors!) and pouting little lass.

The judges tell Room 3 its good news. I now fear for John Park! Did he Lambertize himself because he figured out its the only way the frauen might warm to an Asian male?

Oh. And I am so calling Ashley Rodriguez Frosted Blue Eye Shadow until I think of something infinitely more appropos and clever. I also begin to think about the torture all these kids are put through when the judges have already made their decisions. Why not just send the room-of-sucky-people home then rather than put them through more hell.

Top 24 Results…

Michael Lynche goes first. We learn his daughter is named Layla Rose Lynche. Big Mike makes it, interesting considering the conflicting rumors regarding whether or not his father spilled the goods over a month ago.

Didi Benami is next. Seriously, Idol, why bother? Why? Why bother when everyone has seen the spoilers?

That raw emotion was borne of tragedy.

Ryan Seacrest, please can it. OH FOR FRAK’S SAKE! DIDI BENAMI HAS A DEAD FRIEND. Well, she made it this far, that’s why we have to make sure she has a proper tragedy. Didi Benami has a tragic back story AND a raspberry beret!

Guess what? EVERYONE has had something really shitty to happen to them. It’s called life. It’s just all in how the story is spun. Everyone has a tragic back story.

Katelyn Epperly is a child of divorce. Statistically, half of all marriages end in divorce. This is not good enough. Katelyn also nods in an annoying manner and sang Bonnie Raitt…AND Bubbly.

Just because mom and dad got divorced doesn’t mean we can’t go off and do great things.

Obviously, Mama Epperly and those wily Idol producers taught Katelyn how to properly milk her tragic back story since last summer. Personally, I would like Katelyn Epperly to be divorced from my television screen. Ellen babbles on about how making her wait would be cruel…yes, yes, we get it. Ha ha ha. No way Epperly is making the Top 12. No way in hell. No way in latch key kid heaven.

Upon listening to her finally Hollywood Week audition, Shelby Dressel (Oh man! I totally just remembered she was the girl with the facial impairment! This is what happens when there are too many tragic back stories to keep straight!) wasn’t very good. And I still don’t understand what lyrics she had difficulty remembering. Oh well. Shelby gets sent home, but she can try out again next year. Plus, we just needed someone to eliminate before the commercial break, someone who was willing to walk sadly down the Sunset Strip into the bowels of their broken dreams.

Casey James has a tragic back story, too! Did you know? And can you believe I’m not referring to his stripdown for Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi? Nah, he had some accident or something, maybe a hangnail? Doctors thought he might never play guitar again.

It says here you’re from a town called Cool.

KILL. ME. NOW. Or just kill Kara. Just do something with her. Cryogenics. Siberia. Cool, Texas. I DO NOT CARE. Just get her out of here.

Aaron Kelly had bad parents (tragic back story), but a good aunt & uncle. He wears braided rope bracelets, shell necklaces and has hair preferred by those popular boys in my 7th grade class. There is something inherently sweet and unimposing about this young man that I find it impossible to hate much more on him. Even my icy, cynical heart knows some boundaries.

Lee Dewyze also makes it. But he was a close call. Most likely not because of vocal ability, but for obvious lack of a tragic back story shared with the producers.

Todrick Hall doesn’t even get an elaborate did-he-or-didn’t-he. They just let his douchey scammer ass through and play some song about angels learning how to fly.

Jessica Furney was rejected last year. Furney was the only one in her group (The Parkettes) to shine during the Sweet Escape debacle. Judging by the previews, we already know Jessica doesn’t make it and gets PISSED OFF. She starts pleading her case. You can tell Kara DioGuardi just loves dashing this poor girl’s hopes and dreams.

Seriously! I have this in me. You have no idea what I can do.

I sort of appreciate Jessica’s gusto, but she keeps going on and on…at least she asks in the end. Oh wait. Then she starts whining about losing her voice. Oh Jessica, you’re only what? 17? 21? You have a long time. And I was in your corner, now I…well…just chill…and well…Come on, Jessica, you just needed a better tragic back story.

Next year, Jessica, don’t whine about losing your voice. Whine about losing a friend you had at age 10 or your appendix. THAT is how you become an American Idol.

I feel really bad for whomever it was sobbing in the toilet during the final credits. But hey, at least you got some screen time.

Now that you’re done reading this, check out some other recaps from my favorite Idol bloggers 🙂
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