End times are near

The migration is almost complete. Soon traffic will be redirected to our new home at TopIdolBlog!

If you haven’t yet opened an account on the new site, or even if you’re a lurker who enjoys reading and not commenting, I beg of you. Check out the new digs. You may have noticed I’ve been posting on both sites for the past two weeks. I know I suck, but it just ended up that way.

Although I’ve been writing this for almost two years, I’m still amazed anyone reads it. Amazed. You have no idea. Since I have developed a following of sorts and have achieved some status as a D-list Idol blogger, this was the next logical step. Plus, throwing up some ads and getting into some affiliate programs will (hopefully) help me make a little extra cash. This blog has definitely become a second job of sorts.

Obviously, I fear losing the traffic and search rankings associated with moving, so all I can really ask is please! Keep reading! Keep coming back and tell your friends to do the same. And if you like something, Digg it! Delicious it! Yahoo! Buzz it!

I would also like to thank those who donated a few bucks after I threw up the PayPal widget. I felt strange doing it, but again, I am so appreciative. The money donated has gone 100% to the new costs associated with hosting the site, as well as upgrading to a pro template. As I regularly call out scammy bastards who fleece money in the name of “charity”, I have no problem providing where the money went in regards to getting the new site up. Again, I thank you guys so much, those who donated, and most of all, to everyone who bothers reading my shit blog 🙂

Idol Quickies: February 19, 2010

MJ has posted photos of last night’s Top 24 party. Even a few past Idols showed up to take advantage for free booze and appetizers. Michael Johns is not looking good.

While at MTV yesterday, I wrote an update to their original article about the Chris Golightly. Yup. Me. Hey, they needed someone and I volunteered. Thought it would be fun to test my reporting skills. It felt as if it had been awhile. And I got to pretend I was working at MTV. Heh heh.

While I cobbled the Chris Golightly article together, Jim Cantiello crafted a much better blog post about the Top 10 American Idol Twitter accounts you should be following. If you have not heard, season 9 will be the first time the contestants are permitted to have open Facebook, MySpace and Twitter accounts. This could be very interesting.

Simon Cowell participated in a conference call with Idol journalists. I like Simon, so I’m a bit pissed he suggested Perez Hilton as a possible replacement. I chose to believe he was only pointing out that the show will lose all relevancy without him, and since Perez Hilton is is not-at-all relevant, it would be the perfect fit. Yahoo’s Lyndsey Parker asked Simon if Noel Gallagher would take over the role. He says it kind of maybe might be a possibility. (He also called Lyndsey Leslie. But she was totally okay with it.)

(You can also always play around the almost-all-there NEW Top Idol 🙂 I apologize for how long this is taking, but it won’t be much longer, I promise!)

Let’s fill the minority quota: AI Season 9 (Top 24 cont.)

Tonight, the rest of American Idol’s Top 24 will be announced. And I’m really bored. Perhaps because we’re kicking things off with Tim Tebow’s girlfriend, Janell Wheeler. And Janell Wheeler is boring!

Janell Wheeler’s voice is…meh. But she has long legs and enjoys showing them off with short skirts. That, blond hair and a nice rack might even earn you a spot in the semifinals without having a tragic back story involving your pet snail.

Tyler Grady wants to be Jim Morrison because he saw Val Kilmer play him once in a really, really bad Oliver Stone biopic. Has anyone else noticed they always let Kara DioGuardi deliver the good news to slender white men?

(I feel really, really gay-in-an-80s-way that I am always a tiny bit happy to see Kris Allen doing REAL Ford Commercials. And just like clockwork, I am then left to ponder whether or not I would sleep with Luke Wilson.)

Lacey Brown made it to the Top 50 last year. And lost. And this year, she’s oh-so close. Just as I’m about to think she will be screwed again, Simon tells her its REALLY GOOD NEWS. After hearing her rendition of What a Wonderful World, I gotta admit, I want to hear more of her voice.

Naturally, one of my least favorites, Ashley Rodriguez, makes it through. If my general disdain for her could be measured in fake-ass cocktail rings, it still would be like, 20x the size of the one she was wearing. I bet that piece of crap came from Kara DioGuardi’s new line of jewelry for HSN and its called Reach for the Mediocrity.

Alex Lambert and Joe Munoz make it because we totally need male cannon fodder. I’m actually including a photo of little Joe Munoz now, as we will likely see even less of him than last year’s poor, sacrificial lamb Jorge Nunez.

Yay! Crystal Bowersox time! Crystal Bowersox is fast becoming my favorite contestant of this year’s shittier-than-normal season. She’s totally my plucky single mom of choice. And obviously, she is super, super cool because she bides her time with Lilly Scott.

Naturally, we all know (including Simon Cowell) Crystal Bowersox is wayyyyy too good for this Idol bullshit, but we’re still super happy she made it! Crystal (Mama Sox?) is also smart enough to bring both her baby and her pepaw! I like the way she thinks! She totally knows what’s up.

Katie Stevens is a no brainer. I can also tell you EVERY SINGLE SONG SHE WILL SING THIS SEASON. It’s just like the game I play in random cities when I end up in random bars with some no-name cover band. Call out the songs you know they will play. I used to always win with that Matchbox 20 shit, 3AM Eternal. Ellen tells Katie she’s made it through, using the same schtick she’s been using on everyone she tells. Come on, Ellen! You’re more original than that, aren’t you? I would like to imagine Simon was being a smart ass on Katie’s way out.

Your grandma will be happy.

How much do you wanna bet people are already raising money to get her grandmother and a wheelchair on a plane to LAX right about…now? For chrissake, my memaws were evil bitches. One of them had me baptized and never told my parents or me. Seriously. Bitch asked me when are you gonna be Catholic for your grandmother her entire life when she had my sister drive her to the church when I was an infant.

Bye bye, douchey douche guy. Now return to your brethren of Lost London Brothers.

And this girl? Who is she? She is wayyyy too young to be drawing on eyebrows, I tell ya. Way too young!

THE THIRD CUT IS THE DEEPEST

And now for American Idol’s cruelest moment, the elimination of Angela Martin. The three-time auditioner who actually has a REAL LIFE HOLY HELL TRAGIC BACK STORY. And even though she has the most tragic back story in the history of American Idol, she still has a great weave.

JESUS CHRIST IF HER LIFE WAS NOT ALREADY HORRIBLE ENOUGH

I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS. PAULA!!!!!! PAULA!!!!!! COME BACK PAULA COME BACK!!!

You’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. And I’m gonna remember you forever, Angela.

Like this is supposed to make her feel better? It would send me to the nearest ledge.

Please make it all go away, Lilly Scott. Make it all go away. You even tried singing Hall & Oates’ Rich Girl! I love you. I want you and Crystal Bowersox to teach me how to sing. We can all be besties! The beautiful moment when Lilly is told she she is going through is nearly ruined by Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi, naturally, but I’m trying really, really hard not to dwell on it!

Paige Miles (who?) and Siobhan Magnus made it. As did Michelle Delamor. And Jermaine Sellers? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Oh. And look who else made it. JOHN PARK. GO ASIAN GO ASIAN GO ASIAN. Show the world Asians can take over American Idol just like the Olympic Games.

But I think they made a mistake on which Jermaine to take. Purifory was soooo much better than Sellers, dammit!

It’s teen vs. teen? Haeley Vaughan vs. Tori Kelly. I already know they go with Haeley Vaughn, who drives me nuts. I don’t care that she’s a country-singing black girl. I feel super bad every time I say she looks like a tranny because I know she’s just a kid, but I just can’t…

For the 1001th time, Simon stresses how this year just has so many strong girls. Sorry, Tori. You’re out. It’s not gonna happen for you this time.

I might cry after the break, as Andrew Garcia is pitted against Thaddeus Johnson (and his AWESOME ADORABLE MAMA). Well…Thaddeus is only 17, so he has lots of time. Andrew Garcia is a former gang banger with a wife and kid in his mid 20s. You know what happens. But I loved Thaddeus and his Mama, dammit. I LOVE THEM.

Because I’m typing furiously, I left the commercials on. And I see what is obviously the greatest idea EVER. At least in the realm of traveling with children. Or just in the realm of children. As a whole.

Frankly, I’m just not ready to say goodbye to Thaddeus Johnson. Or Mama Johnson. No way. No day. NEVER. Thaddeus is told he did nothing wrong, that he was great, but he did not make it. Obviously, Michael Lynche filled their big black dude quota for the year.

Watching Thaddeus and his friend walk away in tears, with cameras tailing them, is making me get all teary eyed. And then there is his mother! And the camera men followed him into them into the bathroom when he went to collect himself. Just when I think Idol can’t get any worse, it always does…

We know what happens next. Andrew Garcia goes through. Andrew Garcia, please stop reminding me of Danny Gokey. Maybe its just the fashion eyewear? Hmmmm…I’ve got my eye on you.

And Tim Urban (huh?) who is now in the Top 24 because OMG ORPHAN BOY Chris Golightly was disqualified yesterday, for allegedly failing to tell producers about a previous recording contract. Somewhere Orphan Boy, there are frauen crying over this injustice tonight.

Now I’m not buying into this its a girls’ year crap, however, I’m not really feeling anyone…except for Crystal Bowersox and Lilly Scott. Who are girls. Oh well. They’re special.

AI9 Top 24 (Part 1): Your tragic back story just was not as strong as their tragic back story

Whoa. Two hellacious hours of American Idol. Do we really need to spread the Top 24 selection over TWO NIGHTS? Especially when there is men’s figure skating for the taking? Ah yes. This is when they tell two rooms to get the hell out. It’s all coming back to me now.

I really, really do not want to see Angela Martin get booted for what? The third time. What’s not to like about that girl? Jermaine Purifory sings Brick House, because he believes the world needs more Brick House. Casey James decides to take the new in thing on Idol — taking a “feminine” song and making it masculine. So he sings Colbie Callie’s Bubbly, which is totally better than the original. But that’s not too difficult, considering singing about Scubbing Bubbles would even be better than that Bubbly, the most grating, overplayed song of 2007-2008. Not sure what happened to Colbie Callie. I assume she’s living in some squat house with K.T. Tunstall.

Yawn. Faux drama! Although I’ve never understood why Idol is unable to provide sofas or other suitable seating for those stuck awaiting their fate. Oh yes. That wouldn’t make it so DRAMATIC! It would not remind one of say, what probably went on in the third class section of the Titanic an hour after the iceberg struck.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? They added echo effects to the judges’ last words? In any case, Jermaine Sellers’ Man in the Mirror did nothing for me. Hey, Kris Allen’s didn’t do anything for me, either! I just hate that song. Cape Cod’s Siobhan Magnus could be kind of appealing in a Punky Brewster sort of way, but I would bet serious cash she bought that Ramones patch from Hot Topic.

Crystal Bowersox! How I love thee! I want to know who autographed your guitar. She even “mumbled-out” the word stoned from Sheryl Crow’s If It Make You Happy. Crystal Bowersox rules.

THAT JASON MRAZ SONG WHICH WILL JUST NOT DIE

Alex Lambert will likely get zero love from me. His familiar-sounding name and his lame-ass mandolin guitar. He’s “sing-a-like” performance of that Jason Mraz song, which, just like saccharine, has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Michael Lynche sings the same damn song, and by all indications, will sing a James Blunt ditty the next time we hear him. For a big black man, Lynche has the musical taste of a freshman sorority girl.

And then Todrick Hall shows up, singing the same damn song, but with his own spin. Todrick looks like a rent boy. This yahoo’s douche-i-tude if off the charts.

Thaddeus Johnson and his mother are all sorts of adorable.

I’m not bubbly. I’m Man in the Mirror…but I’m a bubbly person.

He’s only 17? I had no idea! No wonder his mom’s with him! I really want to go over to their house for Thanksgiving. And his Man in the Mirror blows Jermaine Sellers’ rendition out of the water.

Charity Vance boasts all qualities I hate of my televised reality talent competition contestants. Too young, too pale, too blond and too bland, with a too icky-sweet name. And then there is that night shift pastor chick whose name keeps eluding me, but the fact she’s a pastor….and Mary Powers disappointed me after she got to Hollywood.

I think she’s interesting because she’s older.

Oh Simon. They’re all younger than say, me? I’m not that old…Luckily, the producers cut to Mary’s cute little girl clutching a stuffed animal cheering for her Mommy. Then there’s the cuddly black dock worker Lloyd Thomas crying because he misses his wife and kids. To tug on your heartstrings even more, there’s also the Singing Albino Cop Brian Walker.

Mommy. Dock worker. Police officer. THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT!!! THIS IS AMERICA!!! These are all the figures you’re not supposed to shoot while playing Hogan’s Alley!

Hope Johnson is emotionally fragile. And she had to overcome a lot of poverty when she was little.

Hey, at least that poverty kept her skinny! I kid, I kid. Why is she singing that lame Daughtry song? Yeah. Hope has no hope. She sucked ass. Room 2 is obviously screwed. Sorry singing cop and night shift pastor girl.

Room 3 obviously is going to make it, as Ashley Rodriguez (YAWN) and Didi Benami (PLANT) are sitting their uncomfortably. At least when the cameras are rolling. Shelby Dressel is freaking out in her cowboy boots! It’s all Michael Orland can do from going full-on bitchy gay on her ass. Shelby sings Boston’s More Than a Feeling, of which the arrangement didn’t really have all that many actual lyrics to remember. So really, Michael Orland, you should have gotten more bitchy with her. Aaron Kelly forgets his lyrics as his mother aunt and her Ogilvie Home Perm watch intently from the audience. Aaron should be the next American Idol because his biological parents suck and his aunt and uncle raised him. Come on, Aaron! Didn’t you know there’s a real-life ORPHAN this season! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Ashley Rodriguez sings Beyonce’s Jordin Sparks’ Battlefield and continues to prove she’s everything I hate about music. Plus, that was a song sung by…a former Idol contestant! WHY WHY WHY MUST THEY DO THAT? Lee Dewyze sings The Fray. Joe Munoz sings NO NO NO NOT AGAIN Man in the Mirror. Haeley Vaughn shows up with her misspelled name and guitar and sings OH NO NO NO NO NOT AGAIN that Jason Mraz song. And once again I am forced to feel bad for likening a teenage girl to a transvestite.

Room 3 is a total snoozer. We all know they go through, so please, must we be subjected to even more of this caterwauling of tunes from the World’s Most Overplayed Songbook? No! We’re not done! Because Janell Wheeler (aka Tim Tebow’s girlfriend he doesn’t have premarital sex with) is gonna sing Taylor Swift’s Romeo & Juliet. Crap. I totally feel bad and everything but…why did her family abort the e from her name? IT DRIVES ME NUTS. (Yeah. I know. I went there. She’s the one dating Tim Tebow!)

I could really do without the voiceover bullshit. I expect Idol to be cheesy, but now they’ve truly proven there are no boundaries to cliche and corny. And this is the time of the night when I wonder “aloud” if I would bang Luke Wilson. While I’m pondering bedding Luke Wilson, I’m shocked to see a NEW Kris Allen for Ford Commercial! He’s talking about leaves (i.e., green, carbon friendly, he’ll stick his carbon footprint up your ass) and I am still in awe that they actually gave an Idol contestant a REAL Ford commercial. Just as I’m about to hit fast forward, Charles Barkley is singing about Taco Bell.

Ok. I gotta stop. I’m not getting any younger and this shit lasts two whole hours! Let’s hurry this shit show up! Especially because we totally know Room 2 is OUT OF THERE.

But before the judges tell them the gig is up, we are forced to see (more of…?) ROOM 1! Wait! Didn’t we do this already? Lilly Scott is a total plus. Andrew Garcia still reminds me of Gokey, even with the guitar. And that ain’t a good thing. The judges arrive to hand them their fates, entrusting newbie Ellen DeGeneres to do it. Naturally, Kara DioGuardi is woefully overdressed in a desperate attempt to prove she is hip, hot and RELEVANT. (No one told her that might have worked had she been able to get a Maxim spread in 2000.)

Duh. Room 1 goes through. I even see Gang Bang Garcia and Orphan Boy embrace! Room 1 also includes Chosen One Katie Stevens and screamer/glassblowing apprentice Siobhan Magnus. Actually, Siobhan has now earned a point in my book for not casting her gaze towards the heavens proclaiming this is the best day ever.

Meanwhile, Boston’s Fox affiliate is uber-lucky because they have Ayla Brown spilling IDOL SECRETS!

Big surprise. It’s BAD NEWS for Room 2. OH NOOOOOOO!!! YOUR DREAM IS DEAD DEAD DEAD!! THERE IS NO MORE HOPE!!!

Idol shot the mommy, the dock worker and the police officer! Game over in Hogan’s Alley! It’s a good thing they can feel better about themselves after taking the reformed gang banger, the orphan, and a bunch of other single mommies and married daddies.

Well golly gee. Can you even believe it is actually now LESS suspenseful than it was before? Must we even bother with watching them tell Room 3 everything is okay? Have they not deduced everything via outside noise? If the carpeting is that bad, you know the walls can’t be that thick. But before we inform them of the good news, let’s take a final parting glance at Mary Powers, her arty manfriend (He’s bald! He wears sunglasses indoors!) and pouting little lass.

The judges tell Room 3 its good news. I now fear for John Park! Did he Lambertize himself because he figured out its the only way the frauen might warm to an Asian male?

Oh. And I am so calling Ashley Rodriguez Frosted Blue Eye Shadow until I think of something infinitely more appropos and clever. I also begin to think about the torture all these kids are put through when the judges have already made their decisions. Why not just send the room-of-sucky-people home then rather than put them through more hell.

Top 24 Results…

Michael Lynche goes first. We learn his daughter is named Layla Rose Lynche. Big Mike makes it, interesting considering the conflicting rumors regarding whether or not his father spilled the goods over a month ago.

Didi Benami is next. Seriously, Idol, why bother? Why? Why bother when everyone has seen the spoilers?

That raw emotion was borne of tragedy.

Ryan Seacrest, please can it. OH FOR FRAK’S SAKE! DIDI BENAMI HAS A DEAD FRIEND. Well, she made it this far, that’s why we have to make sure she has a proper tragedy. Didi Benami has a tragic back story AND a raspberry beret!

Guess what? EVERYONE has had something really shitty to happen to them. It’s called life. It’s just all in how the story is spun. Everyone has a tragic back story.

Katelyn Epperly is a child of divorce. Statistically, half of all marriages end in divorce. This is not good enough. Katelyn also nods in an annoying manner and sang Bonnie Raitt…AND Bubbly.

Just because mom and dad got divorced doesn’t mean we can’t go off and do great things.

Obviously, Mama Epperly and those wily Idol producers taught Katelyn how to properly milk her tragic back story since last summer. Personally, I would like Katelyn Epperly to be divorced from my television screen. Ellen babbles on about how making her wait would be cruel…yes, yes, we get it. Ha ha ha. No way Epperly is making the Top 12. No way in hell. No way in latch key kid heaven.

Upon listening to her finally Hollywood Week audition, Shelby Dressel (Oh man! I totally just remembered she was the girl with the facial impairment! This is what happens when there are too many tragic back stories to keep straight!) wasn’t very good. And I still don’t understand what lyrics she had difficulty remembering. Oh well. Shelby gets sent home, but she can try out again next year. Plus, we just needed someone to eliminate before the commercial break, someone who was willing to walk sadly down the Sunset Strip into the bowels of their broken dreams.

Casey James has a tragic back story, too! Did you know? And can you believe I’m not referring to his stripdown for Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi? Nah, he had some accident or something, maybe a hangnail? Doctors thought he might never play guitar again.

It says here you’re from a town called Cool.

KILL. ME. NOW. Or just kill Kara. Just do something with her. Cryogenics. Siberia. Cool, Texas. I DO NOT CARE. Just get her out of here.

Aaron Kelly had bad parents (tragic back story), but a good aunt & uncle. He wears braided rope bracelets, shell necklaces and has hair preferred by those popular boys in my 7th grade class. There is something inherently sweet and unimposing about this young man that I find it impossible to hate much more on him. Even my icy, cynical heart knows some boundaries.

Lee Dewyze also makes it. But he was a close call. Most likely not because of vocal ability, but for obvious lack of a tragic back story shared with the producers.

Todrick Hall doesn’t even get an elaborate did-he-or-didn’t-he. They just let his douchey scammer ass through and play some song about angels learning how to fly.

Jessica Furney was rejected last year. Furney was the only one in her group (The Parkettes) to shine during the Sweet Escape debacle. Judging by the previews, we already know Jessica doesn’t make it and gets PISSED OFF. She starts pleading her case. You can tell Kara DioGuardi just loves dashing this poor girl’s hopes and dreams.

Seriously! I have this in me. You have no idea what I can do.

I sort of appreciate Jessica’s gusto, but she keeps going on and on…at least she asks in the end. Oh wait. Then she starts whining about losing her voice. Oh Jessica, you’re only what? 17? 21? You have a long time. And I was in your corner, now I…well…just chill…and well…Come on, Jessica, you just needed a better tragic back story.

Next year, Jessica, don’t whine about losing your voice. Whine about losing a friend you had at age 10 or your appendix. THAT is how you become an American Idol.

I feel really bad for whomever it was sobbing in the toilet during the final credits. But hey, at least you got some screen time.

Now that you’re done reading this, check out some other recaps from my favorite Idol bloggers 🙂
(Check back for updates)

Fancast’s Maura Johnston — American Idol Breaks Out the Scissors and the Kleenex

You know you want a camera licked by Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert licked a camera during Friday’s Rock My Town show in NYC. Because he’s all bawdy and rawkgod-y like that.

Now some Glambert wants to make a few bucks off the camera he licked, so she’s auctioning the allegedly-licked Kodak point-and-shoot on eBay.

How dare this Glambert? TRYING TO SELL SOMETHING LICKED BY THE SAVIOR???? HOW COULD SHE?

Clearly she is not a TRUE GLAMBERT. Off with her head! Oh wait…the seller is a Kris Allen fan? By all means! Make a profit. In fact, I applaud your entrepreneurial skills.

Ha ha ha. Lambert licked a Kris Allen’s fan camera. Sorry, Glamberts. Guess you’ll just have to bid for it now 🙂

Kradison, Stoli Vanilla and a Glambert on a Rascal Rocked My Town

On Friday night, I got wrecked at the Rock My Town show at the Highline Ballroom in Chelsea. I’ve been told I embraced my inner Kristard — in jest, of course.

Like so wrecked I lost my phone and acted like a total tard during Kris Allen’s set. This is what happens if you drink too much after not eating all day. I would love to regale you with some crazy, three-part recap, but that would require me remembering the last part of the night. (And no, I am not a drunk. I just never had breakfast, lunch or dinner.) Since I only had a few minutes to get to the show upon arriving in NYC, I booked a cheap hotel room because it was easier than coordinating my usual crashing-on-friend’s-sofas.

SHAMELESS PLUG:
The Jane Hotel and their $79/night rooms RULE. Even if the establishment has caused a bit of controversy around the neighborhood, the staff is super friendly and it allowed me to indulge in my Titanic/transatlantic steamship obsession I’ve had since age 11.

OMG IS THIS MY VERY FIRST TARD STORY? IT INVOLVED ZERO STREET TEAMING!

On the way to the venue, I asked this guy if I was going in the right direction, just to make sure. I was in a hurry. He said, sure, I’m walking that way, just come with me. Nice guy, lived in Boston while attending Harvard Business School. He asked me what show I was seeing. I said, you don’t want to know. He said, oh yeah I do. So I told him, and also explained I was covering it for my blog and had been invited by some of my MOST AWESOME READERS. His name is Patrick, btw.

Patrick: Hey, does this make me gay? I like Kris Allen.

Me: Oh no. He’s kind of my favorite. And I enjoyed his album. I like him more now since the show. Can I tell the girls I’m meeting you said this? Because they’ll be really excited.

Patrick: (Laughs) Sure. Yeah, I like the guy. I downloaded Live Like We’re Dying. It’s a good song. He just seems like your everyday kind of dude. Laid back. Kind of like John Mayer.

Me: Maybe because they both play guitars, but he’s not really a douche. I don’t think he’s called his penis David Duke or anything.

Patrick: Yeah, you’re right. But I like that guy. He’s just seems like a cool dude. Never liked Adam Lambert, and not because of anything else but I think he screeches.

So Patrick and I exchanged information because he wants to read my blog (need to email him after this) and I arrived at the show.

OMG THERE IS THE LINE OF WOMEN JUST AHEAD OF ME OUTSIDE A WESTERN BEEF

Upon arriving to the Western Beef Highline Ballroom on West 16th, I was struck by how many damn Glamberts were in attendance. I was also told the first ones showed up at 3:30am to wait in line. I could barely stand outside the 45 minutes I was queued. I thought I was going to die of hypothermia or at least lose a couple of toes to gang green.

On my way in, I ran into Gossip Candy! She’s easy to spot with her curly red hair! Super sweet gal. The Idol blogger stratosphere is just too funny, ain’t it? I mean, if all of us can get along, then why can’t the fans?

I obeyed the rules and did not bring my camera, as much as it pained me. I took photos with my camera phone, thankfully, I sent them to TwitPic so they still exist.

Some lovely, self-described Kristards in the NYC area invited me to this special shindig and I am still so gracious for giving me one of their tickets. None of them are what I think of when I think of Idol fans…but we were surrounded by a horde herd of those! It was clear we were in the minority, although I was actually wearing my fingerless, striped gloves, royal blue tights and black boots with rivets.

I thought I was going to lose my shit when a few of them busted out an ADAM LAMBERT CAPE and made a couple little girls (daughters and granddaughters, I assume) pose for photos with it.

As we all know, however, it can get worse. And it typically does. A circle of 10-15 Glamberts decided to create their own Kumbaya moment with a group sing of Whataya Want From Me. All that was missing were hand-held candles! There was a short, squat woman behind me with a black tooth. I think she could have hurt someone with her bare hands. Or a shank. I would also bet $50 she keeps a carton of Newports in her nightstand.

After much shivering, we were finally allowed into the venue. I’m not quite sure about all this talk about concertgoers being squashed and packed in like sardines. That’s bullshit. People crowded as close to the stage as humanly possible, but there was tons of open space on the actual floor. After standing out there for one minute upon entering, a couple of woman elbowed through where I was standing. Neither one of them turned around to offer an obligatory apology.

Claire was standing in line for coatcheck and I went to give her my coat, she was talking to a woman wearing a t-shirt reading GLAMBERT #3569 on the back. My mouth kind of dropped open a bit at this point, as no matter how many photos I see of this on the interweb, it always manages to throw me for a tiny loop in real life.

At this point, all I want is a drink. Hey, I only get out sporadically and come on! The Rock My Town show was reason to drink! I get a drink. No line at the bar. I stand with my group, get shoved by a Glambert, look around at the crowd. Oh, look! There’s Jim!

So I go and greet Jim who is standing with Yahoo! Music’s Lyndsey Parker. Lyndsey and I were introduced about a month ago via FB by a mutual friend in Los Angeles. So it was awesome to finally meet her in person. Lyndsey is AWESOME. I spent a lot of the show with her, including Lambert’s set which we watched from the side while downing Stoli Vanilla & Diet Cokes. Take that, evil Glamberts! I watched Adam’s set with Lyndsey. And if you’re wondering, I also cheered loudly! I clapped! I was into it!

Before Lambert played, it was Allison Iraheta aka La Princesa del Mariachi on stage. I think I yelled LA PRINCESA after her set. Lyndsey and I stood with Slezak and Jim for her set. And I just kept turning around to Slezak and saying, OMG THAT VOICE IS SICK. I really needed a shot of us tarding over La Princesa.

Allison can out-sing any teeny bopper making millions for Disney and really, if Taylor Swift was that good performing live? Because she’s not. But that reminds me…how awesome would it be to see Allison Iraheta duet with Stevie Nicks? SO AWESOME. Allison is just adorable, her self-effacing humor makes her entirely lovable and reminds us that she is young! She may sport a killer head of burgundy hair and a kick ass wardrobe, as well as a voice of a woman twice her age, you never ever get the impression she is trying to be someone she is not. She doesn’t need to tart herself up to be seen as “more adult”. She really only has to be…Allison. I really think this kid’s future is incredibly bright. My two favorites from her set? Definitely Robot Love and her sick, punked-up rendition of Killing Me Softly. Could she get in a studio and record that, like say, now??

And in between Allison and Adam’s set, YoBench got this awesome shot!

By the middle of Lambert’s set, the overall excitement of the evening and fact I had not eaten all day was starting to catch up with me. And I was drunk. And even though I consider it my biggest responsibility to document as many frightening acts of fantardary as possible, the evening became more about having fun and seeing a good show. This wasn’t as arduous of a task as say, catching a stop on the Idol tour.

And since drinking was a priority, I was lucky I stumbled into a Glambert on a Rascal when going for another round. Damn crappy camera phone. I really wanted the Rascal to figure more prominently into the shot.

From the angle Lyndsey and I were standing during Lambert’s set, we had a good view. We were on the side. I’m sad I missed the fainting ladies, but I think we ran down to the center after that. But I gotta say something, even though I was drunk enough to sing along to Music Again, a song I don’t even like…you see, I get drunk and sing…which you’ll see in a little big. Anyway, Adam Lambert needs to chill on the makeup. It was not good. Not good at all. I understand you may have to overcompensate when there are spotlights, but Jesus Christ. They don’t use this much makeup in Kabuki theater! It’s almost painful, really. He’s not an unattractive guy. But the makeup, yikes.

Oh, and him and his little friend Tommy. I got confused for a second because I was certain Tegan and Sara were playing Boston’s Orpheum Theater that night.

I rejoined my beautiful little group of Kristards for Kris Allen’s set. How nice! We have more room! Thank you, Glamberts, for leaving the building. Of course, it is just my luck that I was now really drunk. Luckily, there is video evidence of me really getting into the show.

To be honest, I can’t even bring myself to listen to it after hearing about my singing and tard-like proclamations. But hey, I consider myself a fan of Kris Allen, and since he was the only contestant to “take my advice” during Idol Movie Theme Night, you can understand I get a bit excited when he sings Glen H.

Kris Allen has come such a long way since I saw him play the Idol show back in August. Watching him live is almost like watching an entirely different performer. He’s more confident. He’s more comfortable. His voice seems to be getting stronger with each live performance. He has such a great synergy with his band. You totally get the “we’re a band” vibe from them, rather than we’re “we’re this guy’s band”.

Adam, Allison and Kris all have solid bands backing them, so I’m curious to see how they all grow as performers, and how they relate to their bands. In my honest opinion, I do feel Kris and Allison tend to bring their band members into their performances more than Lambert, offering more of collective effort. I can see Allison becoming a kick-ass frontwoman to a punk/pop-rock band. Lambert may grind on Little Tommy, but I feel like the focus must always be on him. Hey, the guy wants to be a solo superstar, so its not a knock against him, its just an observation on how different all of them are as musicians.

For the encore, Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta joined Kris on stage for a pretty awesome Kradison take on Gnarls Barkley’s Crazy. What was even more enjoyable than the actual performance, was just watching how much fun the three of them were having up there on stage. Of course, upon re-watching this from the comfort of my living room sofa, something just occurred to me…

WHAT A PERFECT SONG.

Yes, Glamberts. Adam Lambert was totally singing TO YOU. Yes. Yes. He was. YOU’RE LOCO YOU’RE LOOOOOOOOOOCO.

Yup. Because you muthafuckas (hey, just quoting your master) are CRAAAAAAZY.

YOU’RE LOCO YOU’RE LOCO YOU’RE LOCO

Perhaps I am a slightly bigger Lambert fan now than I was when walking into the Highline. He just called his fans CRAZY! YOU’RE CRAZY YEAH YEAH YEAH And I am obviously sympathetic to a guy who gets hammered and loses his phone. Can we really blame him for being drunk? He was being groped by women with AARP subscriptions!

Oh, and btw. Kris Allen’s set didn’t make me believe in God. I like the kid, ok? And if you’re having fun at a concert, you have fun at a concert. And this was the first Idol-related show I’ve ever seen where I could actually get past a lot of the idiot tards and enjoy the show for what it was. I just went with it. And I had a great time.

But who am I kidding? It still totally helped I met a Glambert on a Rascal.

YOU’RE LOOOOOCO YEAH YEAH YEAHHHHHH

(Sorry. I’ll stop now.)

And I want to extend a special thanks to Claire, Laura, Meredith, Caroline, Elle and Whitney for allowing me to join them on such a kick ass excursion, and not wearing any puffy paint tard apparel. Of course, I really don’t think that’s how they roll. And they can call me drunkface forever. I accept this fate.

Kris Allen performing Coldplay’s “The Scientist” in Tampa

After Friday’s Rock My Town show in NYC, Kris Allen, his erstwhile bandmates, and Allison Iraheta flew to Tampa for another show. During this time Adam Lambert got shit-faced and lost his mobile (it’s okay, Lambert, I feel your pain) and reportedly made out with some club dudes before waking up hungover for his intimate VH1 acoustic show.

Kris Allen, the Kris Allen Band and Allison Iraheta could have all gotten drunk, too. I have no idea. Then again, they didn’t have heavily made-up aggressive women in the midst of overwhelming hot flashes groping their crotches. If I were Adam Lambert, I would have to be drunk during that crap, too. And for at least 24 hours after. Gotta erase the pain away, ya know?

Anyhoo, Kris Allen and his buddy Cale decided to do Coldplay’s The Scientist while driving somewhere and randomly hearing it on the radio. It’s good.  Enjoy.

Blacklisted’s Rock My Town Recap

I’m still working on mine, but without further ado, here’s Blacklisted’s version of events from Friday evening’s Rock My Town concert in NYC.

Kradison Concert

I headed out close to 5pm and was a little worried that I’d be too late to get a good spot. When I arrived to the venue I noticed all the menopausal women and smiled.  I knew these ladies wouldn’t have the stamina to stand up for the whole concert. That meant Cale Mills, here I come!

In addition to the aged women, I also noticed that there were very few guys. 90% of the guys attending were husbands roped into the event. The rest included an Adam clone and a bunch of male Kristards. You could tell by the wistful look in their eyes.

In front of me on line were a mother-daughter glambert team. Both really normal, although mom glambert did state that Kris “isn’t very good” and daughter glambert didn’t think he had talent. Oh well, different strokes. Both ladies are members of PF. They asked me if I read MJ and I said that I read it on occasion but that sometimes it gets really snippy. They proceeded to inform me that MJ lost 75% of her hits because she has a Kris bias. Seems MJ is ‘unfair’, ‘moderates people’ and Kris is her favorite. Who knew?

My friend, who’s a huge glambert (she’s never watched AI but saw Adam youtube videos) arrived at 6 and not surprisingly fit right in. She became friends with the 12 closest glamberts. There was gushing and praising and noting that Adam was the hottest man on earth. My friend outed me as a Kris fan. Many looked at me with pity. Poor me. Liking the guy no one came to see. At some point there was mention that we were lucky to see Adam perform in a small venue since he’ll never do that again given how ‘big’ he will become. I rolled my eyes a little at that but hey, I was already outed as a Kris fan, what did I know?

At 6:30pm the lamest Adam wannabe showed up with his mother or possibly grandmother. They cut the line but we were all too grossed out by their appearance to say anything. The poor, big haired, fake blonde was from Victoria (Canada?). Her wannabe son (grandson?) was a cashier. Nana was trying to look 30 but failed miserably. The woman had the most hideous plastic surgery job I’ve ever seen. Her lips were weirdly shaped, she had smoker’s teeth, and her cheekbones looked like Meg Ryan after surgery.  Nana wore a hot topic outfit, Adam inspired jewelry, and four inch sparkly open toed shoes. Mom and daughter glambert in front of me were skeeved out. That was when I knew I was going to like these ladies.

I told my friend to slap me if I tried to dress 20 when I hit 60. The mom-daughter glambert team agreed. They started making fun of all the older women at concerts wearing glitter and shit. They didn’t get it and thought it was ridiculous. Hello, common ground with the ‘enemy’!

Finally we got in at around 7:30 before frostbite set in.  Since my friend had never seen Krallison I gave her the rundown. I stressed that Allison is hugely talented and has a great voice. I mentioned that Kris was amazing and that I thought she would like him once she heard him. I also told her that Kris’ bandmembers were really hot, especially Cale. Of course, she didn’t pay me no mind since she was concentrating on finally seeing Adam perform.

Allison came out and was cute, funny, made self-deprecating comments and basically sang her ass off. Daughter glambert pointed out Kris watching Allison at the upstairs section. Aww, so cute.  From the first song Allison performed my friend was into her. My buddy kept on saying, ‘this girl is great!’. Well, duh. She did ask me how come I knew the words to all of Allison’s songs. When I told her that I had the album, she asked me for a copy. Why, of course.

Then Adam came on. No joke, there were so many old women going nuts I was concerned someone would drop dead. Alas, one dumb heifer fainted and poor Adam had to stop the show until they walked her out.

Once the concert resumed it was same old, same old. Adam would do that thing where he tries to be sexy, which always makes me smirk b/c I know he does it for shits and giggles. Of course, these horny old women take it seriously. My friend who’s not old but apparently horny was ‘ohhing and ahhing’ and stating that Adam’s the second coming of Elvis. I was happy to see her excitement since the Kradison concert ticket was a birthday gift and I knew she was having a great time. Yea meJ.

I had warned my friend that once Adam left the stage we’d rush up front because all the old women were going to the bathroom or to the bar to sit down. Just as I expected, a bunch of old ladies left and I got an even better spot. Right in front of Kris’ microphone. Yea, me!

During the intermission I informed my bud to make sure to take pics since I followed the no camera policy and therefore had NO camera, only my nano. Drats. I then pointed out Cale who was working on setting the keyboards but was turned away from us. I told her, “that man is the most gorgeous thing in this place. YOU BETTER TAKE PICTURES OF HIM!”  When he turned around and faced us, I knew the mofo had seduced my friend. She looked as dreamy as the male Kris fans and she started babbling, “oh my god, he’s GORGEOUS…OH MY GOD, who is that guy, he’s fucking HOT!” I was all, “I told you that Kris had the hottest band. I also told you that the dude right there is my future baby daddy, therefore, close your mouth and gain some respect woman.”  At that moment Cale smiled. My friend became a puddle. *shakes head*

FINALLY Kris came on.  As always he looked pretty and played to the audience. By the third song my friend turned to me….a new convert, a Kristan if you will. Her exact words were “OMG, he’s the best. You were right, he’s THE BEST ONE! I love this guy….Oh man, he’s really gorgeous too….” Once again, I said, ‘duh, I TOLD YOU, ya’ dumb heifer.” Then she proceeded to get in front of me to get closer to Kris…sneaky.

After the concert, as we were walking out, my friend turned to me and said, “I still love Adam, he’s all glitter and spectacle. He belongs on Broadway (oh, oh). He’s like Elvis, a performer. Allison, I love her voice, she’s great. Kris though…*contemplates*…he’s a musician. He engages the audience. He made eye contact with us. He’s relatable. He’s like a modern day Bruce Springsteen even though his music isn’t Springsteen. He really was the best. I could see why he won. Also, you know how much I love him, but Kris is even more talented than John Mayer.” To which I replied, “Well duh, he’s also less douchier.”

AI 9 Hollywood Group Night: Tensions are obviously running higher than ever before

Tonight may be my favorite of nights during the entire American Idol season– Hollywood Week’s Group Night! And this is so not just because it is the only time on American Idol in which the very thought of a group sing does not make me want to commit hari kari.

As we know from past Hollywood Weeks…THE STAKES ARE HIGHER THAN EVER BEFORE. AND EVEN HIGHER THAN THE STAKES ARE THE TENSIONS. Yeah, I totally could start writing anything that comes out of Ryan Seacrest’s mouth at this point.

But really! Who doesn’t just love the drama which unfolds when guileless schmucks, catty queens, single moms and soulful boys-next-door “randomly” come together in joyful song? Who doesn’t love the bitch fights and the tears? They even make them do their own choreography.

Apparently, my favorite  (do I remember him?) from last night — aka the guy who hoisted Ryan Seacrest about.5m off the ground — is in a group with one of the over-sized glasses girls AND the frightening ZEFRON BIEBER EYEBROWS. They call themselves the Mighty Rangers…they all auditioned in Denver and just happened to find one another. NOOOOO. Danny Gokey footage! NOOOOO Zefron Bieber Eyebrows has a full name — Danny Jones. NOOOOO!

The Dreamers can’t get their shit together. They are soooo going to be this year’s Team Compromise! It’s called foreshadowing. And while last year had the uber-successful group White Chocolate, I am definitely gonna say Neapolitan is the best group name I’ve heard since…White Chocolate. It’s always best to play upon your racial diversity by making it happy and friendly. Like naming it after confectionaries, candies, and especially ice cream. We all are 31 flavors and then some. Racial harmony could be as simple as the freezer case at your nearest Baskin Robbins!

Poor Neapolitan can’t catch a break. Some bastard group with useless piece of shit Toddrick Hall, either Ben Honeycutt/Tyler Grady and some bitch dressed like Lindsay Lohan on her way into the Valley to pick up the good shit from her dealer, they’re singing way too close to Neapolitan! SEE?? MAS DRAMA! TENSIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH!

Michael Lynche, the soon-to-be-father/cuddly black dude is away from the drama! He and his group finished early. They are also already calling him Big Mike (If you have a nickname this soon in the game, your ass is being pimped.) and they show his group…of which I suspect he and the other big dude are the only ones worth ever having a conversation with, as they are paired with Michael Castro and Tim Urban. This is a bizarre group in many aspects. Oh, and Michael Castro is grinning like a 9-year-old lass who was just told by her mother they were going to the American Girl Store.

I will say it again. I don’t think Michael Lynche is an asshat for not being there for the birth of his child. It is perfectly acceptable for an eighteen-year-old kid to marry his eighteen-year-old girlfriend, enlist in the military, knock her up, and be shipped off to the middle east. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. American Idol...Afghanistan. Trust me, I don’t suck that much, but hear me out here — which is more “responsible?” Getting married and joining the military at 18, and getting your wife pregnant before shipping out to a place where you might be killed? Or going to Los Angeles for a week to audition for a show at age 27 when it was not even certain your wife would go into labor during that brief, 5-7 day period? Hell, he might even be able to watch that shit via a webcam–as we already have seen, they had someone filming that spectacle and totally sent it to the Idol producers.

The night continues…the Mighty Rangers talk about their killer choreography and Big Red Glasses girl talks about something (she’s a Dreamer). The Dreamers are all sorts of fail. Michael Orland even tells Mary Powers to shut the frak up.

JESUS CHRIST. COULD WE CHILL ON THE SMARTWATER PRODUCT PLACEMENT?

Destiny’s Wild can all die. Even in the morning. Debra Byrd aka the Debbie Allen of American Idol, tells Phoenix they suck donkey balls and don’t know their heads from their assholes. Big Mike’s wife dilated to 8 centimeters. I really hate Destiny’s Wild. Todrick Hall is a douche and who is the chick in the back trying to be Rhianna? And don’t even get me started on the guy who looks like 150 other previous male Idol wannabees. Is that Ben Honeycutt? I can’t keep track of these people anymore. Oh yeah, and I just really don’t feel the need. I’m hoping they will flash their names on screen when performance time comes.

Maybe in some group, one of these nameless every-dudes will stick out in a sea of fug? I remember this time last year, sitting on this very West Elm sofa (product placement!), writing my little recap, totally freezing the screen so I could include the one outside-idol-fantardlandia-attractive guy I had seen on Idol since say, Ace Young. Even if I thought he looked constipated. (That’s the beauty of my crude screenshots.)

(I have an eye for these things. No, really. I’m like the Pop Culture Miss Cleo. When I saw Lord of the Rings on opening night, I whispered to my friend that the “blond elf” would be huge. She laughed at me. And then he got hugely popular for a little while. I bought my niece an Orlando Bloom calendar for two Xmases in a row and that was one of her favorite gifts! I also said the same thing about the “wheelchair guy” in Gattaca. In October, I called a Saints vs. Indy Super Bowl and said the Saints would win. And from about the Top 6 onward of last year’s Idol, I said the final two would be Kris Allen and Adam Lambert. And no, I don’t think I’m smart or special or that you should ever listen to me. I think I just spewed a bunch of narssistic nonsense because I needed to make myself feel better after eating almost an entire container of french onion dip. Granted, it was with Baked Lays, but I now have french onion dip aftertaste.)

Mary Powers, I am so done with you. And that guy. Yeah, I was never with you to begin with. I am convinced you are the Lost London Brother.

The groups are called in and hold up! One is called The Parkettes? Lilly Scott is in The Parkettes! (I was totally a Parkette. Like, in high school. That’s what the color guard was/is called. Yeah, I was a flag girl. Shut the frak up.) And because reality television is also about impeccable timing, this is also when Michael Lynche’s baby decides its had enough of his wife’s womb. Come on! We have iPhones now! We don’t actually have to like, ever be in the same room with anyone.

Faith
Charity Vance, Michelle Delamor, Ashley Rodriguez
I pretty much eschew anything or anyone that calls themselves faith. The fact there is a Charity in this Faith tells me all I need to know. And seriously, Ashley Rodriguez? You are so boring. I think I may have liked Michelle Delamor during her audition? Yes? No? I can’t tell these people apart anymore. They sing that Beyonce song about commanding the dumped-on-his-ass guy to put all of his belonging in the box that’s not on the right. Yawn. So bored. All of them make it because hey, you know, THIS IS A GIRL’S YEAR.

Team Awesome
Michael Lynche, Seth Rollins, Michael Castro, Tim Urban
Seth Rollins was the guy with the (in my non-professional opinion mildly) autistic kid, right? Ok. Now I totally remember him. See, its much, much easier if you give me a sob story to remember these people by than say, actual vocal ability or name. I have no idea why I’m kind of rooting for Michael Lynche. He sang John Mayer and timed his wife’s labor to perfectly coincide with Idol’s Hollywood Week! I think its more that he’s from Astoria, and for whatever reason, I kind of love parts of Astoria. (Best waxer EVER in this salon called Gigi. And super affordable! If you’re ever in Queens, go have her take off all your unwanted body hair.) Perhaps its because I am always sympathetic to anyone of African-American descent whose last name has the word lynch in it.

However, Team Awesome’s song was super trite. And we already know Michael Lynche makes it. Duh. He’s been on every spoiler list, was rumored to have been disqualified after his father allegedly told a local paper he made it to the Top 24, and oh yeah, they didn’t reuse his compelling back story footage. They filmed NEW stuff. But hey, good riddance Michael Castro. And Seth Rollins, well, they can’t take two big ‘n’ cuddly ethnic daddy types who became buddies during their audition. Haven’t you watched this show before? NEVER! MAS DRAMA MY FRIEND MAS DRAMA!

Neapolitan
Jessica Cunningham, Liz Rooney, Thaddeus Johnson, Random Midget Black Girl
So asshat group Destiny’s Wild is also singing Bad Romance. I assume they will claim Neapolitan ripped their asses off. I don’t really care who came up with it, Bad Romance is all sorts of awesome. And while Worcester gal Liz Rooney kind of sucked, I still liked her because she reminded me of that Amy Poehler character named Kaitlin from SNL. I kept wanting her to scream, but RICKKKKKK! I wanna get my ears pierced. And this made me smile.

How often do I have to be subjected to watching Kara DioGuardi chair dance? It’s painful. PAINFUL. And who is Theri? They gave it a subtitle. Oh, jesus. It’s the Rhianna wannabe. Really. Anyone who goes on American Idol WITH a uni-monkier already should instantly be cut.

Destiny’s Wild
Theri, Todrick Hall, Siobhan Magnus, Jareb Liewer
So the Lost London Brother is JAREB. What? Did the person typing up the birth certificate hit the b instead of the n? Jareb sounds like layman’s terminology for an ass pimple. Siobhan Magnus is the shining star of this group, which isn’t saying much. Theri has no eyes. And Todrick Hall backflipped his way into the Idol Douchebag Hall of Fame.

I think I hate these people. And their rendition of Bad Romance was overwrought with cheesy, cheap theatrics they likely picked up from that damned Glee show.

I have no idea why they keep sending nearly everyone through to the next round. And really. If I hear Get Ready one more time on Idol, I just, well, I just can’t take

Mighty Rangers
Tori Kelly, Maddie Penrose, Mark Labriola, Kimberly Kerbow, Danny Jones
Big Red Glasses Girl now has on big green glasses. She kind of bugs. And Zefron Bieber Eyebrows just sucks. Mark Labriola, dammit it, man. I love that guy. It could have been like Kevin Smith doing Idol. AND I HAVE THE SAME T-SHIRT! From Threadless, the Spoilt tee! Watching Mark cry makes me sad.

BUT YAY! Zefron Bieber Eyebrows is gone! Now I can’t make fun of him anymore. Of course, since I actually do have a heart, I often feel bad when even those who frighten me get sent packing. I am sensitive like that. It sucks.

Phoenix
Jermaine Sellers, Kat Nessell, Ben Honeycutt, Jeff Goldford, Morrea Masa
Kat Nessell bails. Like literally. Homegirl picked up and went home. Way to choke! Second-time Hollywood Week attendee Morrea Masa forgets the lyrics to Carry On My Wayward Son. (Also bringing back memories of my days as a flag girl. Can you believe we had a routine to that shit?) Finally saw Ben Honeycutt sing. I guess I can’t keep calling all young guys with mussed hair and open shirts Ben Honeycutt. Jeff and Jermaine make it. Morrea needs to shut up. She’s only 17. And I suspect Jeff Goldford could attract his fair share of frauen.

Holy trainwreck. Gwen Stefani, ugh. But was that a JOHN PARK sighting??? John Park! Orientals for Idol! Hey, why isn’t any other group taking issue with other groups singing the same song? The former convict was sent home, and some others, including some guy who looked a lot like Vinny from Jersey Shore. But yay! Carmen Turner is gone. And I’ve already forgotten this one’s name but I have two words for her:

Waterproof Mascara

For chrissake, when I went out to the bars in college, I would ONLY wear waterproof mascara and eye liner. Because how was I supposed to know what night I was gonna have? I could have ended up crying in a bathroom stall! If I took this much consideration about the variable unknown in going out and boozing it up in a a college town, wouldn’t you have thought to have done the same if you were going into a high-pressure, high-stress environment such as American Idol group night? And we didn’t even have digital cameras back then! You go into a situation like this when there’s a full-camera crew and you let your mascara run down your fraking face like you’re the second coming of the not-cool, 1980s Tammy Faye Bakker? Get your sorry, soot-laden face and get your ass on the plane back home. I can’t even look at you anymore.

And you know who else I can’t look at? Kara DioGuardi. Especially Kara DioGuardi bobbing her head up and down. Does she think its gonna shake some of the Botox loose or something? It is a certain, indisputable fact Kara DioGuardi is incapable of doing anything which will not make a person want to shank her ass.

Middle C
Janell Wheeler, Jermaine Purifory, Casey James
Well, ain’t this just a trio of chosen ones. Shiny new pennies. Commercial! I bet they know what kind of artists they’ll be! Quit bobbing your damned head, Kara DioGuardi.

Three Men and a Baby
Andrew Garcia, Katie Stevens, J.B. Ahfua, nameless black gentleman
I can’t be the only one getting the Gokey vibe off Gang Bang Garcia now, can I? That shit was pure Gokey. I swear, this season, fad eyewear may be in competition with guitars as the go-to prop…besides a dead relative, cancer or hangnail, of course.

The Dreamers (aka DRAMA)
Mary Powers, Hope Johnson, Alex Lambert, Margo May,
Margo May–WHO THE HELL LET YOUR ASS IN HERE? You look and sound like something out of a V.C. Andrews novel.

Alex Lambert, you are so screwed because your name isn’t exactly unlike Adam Lambert. I have a feeling this could prove disastrous on about as many levels as there are rungs of hell. Mary, Hope and Alex make it to the next round.

Bullshit montage punctuated with Shit-For-Brains telling Katie Fraking Stevens (I HATE THIS KID. IT IS OFFICIAL.) she could be the winner of American Idol. Oh. And it ends with a voiceover quote from Casey James. Idol…you’re just telling people how to vote. Just shut your trap.

Feather boas, fire, serpants and pretty young things (Irony is funny)

Many people may discount the whole big in Asia factor. Whatevia. I think over a billion people live there. Evidently, Kris Allen is very popular in the world’s largest continent.

Touring the Philippines, Singapore and Malaysia, Kris Allen has been all sorts of fun. In addition to eating local cuisine and hanging out both giganto-mall food courts, nightclubs AND tribal drum circles without ever coming off like a douchebag, Kris Allen has further endeared himself to me by admitting to being thrown in jail and for planning a trip to Rwanda with TOMs Shoes’ reputable charity endeavor. And even if we’re just basing it on shoes and no charitable niceties, that shit is so much cooler than the Idol Winner as Sketchers Spokesperson inanity I’ve seen for the past few years.

Further adding to my amusement, I keep getting sent these clips of Kris Allen doing all this stuff by the merry cadre of Kristards whom, for whatever reason, enjoy reading my shit blog. Allen’s assistant seems to be the one filming all these adventures of Kris and his bandmates through Asia, but its so natural that it doesn’t even come off as lame. It’s like crap normal people do on vacation and them post to their YouTube. Frankly, as a marketing strategy, its cheap and brilliant.

But in all seriousness, I am sooooo digging the irony of it all. (And this is the part where I stress the fact I’m not bashing one Adam Lambert, only his batshit crazy fans.) So I just can’t help but…well, just take a look.

Kris Allen plays with a snake as any average person would if told to touch a boa constrictor and does not allow it to slither upon him as an overwrought, cliched phallic metaphor.

Kris Allen plays with fire and fire artists. In Singapore. Not in the…wait, I’m not going there. Only because I do go there.

Kris Allen gives candid interview coming out about sordid bad boy past.

Kris Allen gamely wears feather boa tossed on stage by young-at-heart [and body] fan.

Poparazzi’s Christopher Toh blogged about his experiences at Kris Allen’s recent show at the Zirca nightclub in Singapore. Naturally, Glamberts came over to try and poo-poo all over everything…anytime I see a post by someone named Music Lover on anything saying Kris Allen might be kind of cool, I know what’s up. But this was my favorite because batshit crazy tards love throwing out the word average and talk about how they’ve worked in the music industry for years. Yeah, they don’t fool anyone. Or maybe someone should clue them in that joining Columbia House to get 10 CDs for a penny 20 years ago does not mean you worked in the music business.

Really? I find Kris very average and I can’t believe anyone would pay money to see him. I am not saying he is bad but I just don’t see the draw. I have been in the music industry for years and I do think he will not do well in the long run. I am glad you enjoyed yourself.

I’m sure there are batshit crazy Kris Allen fans out there and please, if you guys can send me incidents of them being complete morons, please do. I’m all about equal opportunity. But I never see any of them running to any article regarding Adam Lambert that appears in their Google Alerts and talking smack out the guy, or playing the concerned card, or any of that crap. Frankly, the show is over. Apples and oranges, people. Apples and oranges. Go bother yourself with some more online polls because you like voting so much.

Dammit, I totally digressed. Those wacky Glamberts crack me up, that’s all. Anyhoo, back to Christopher Toh and his experiences at the Kris Allen show. See, he totally did not want to go. And then he had a great time. And he talked about the MUSIC. The stuff about the feather boa and the young girls (and guys) dancing in cages and screaming for Allen was just kind of setting the scene.

However, I was looking for that one moment, you know, when a good concert can become truly memorable. It was when he broke into With Or Without You, interpolating a snatch of that U2 song during his soulful rendition of Falling Slowly (from the movie Once). And it cleverly began with the “and you give yourself away” refrain, before launching into the familiar chorus. But instead of milking it for all its worth, he went back into Falling Slowly almost immediately after.

Now, I didn’t like it because I’m a big U2 fan, nor because I appreciated the Irish reference. (Once starred guitarist Glen Hansard, who plays with the Irish band The Frames). But I loved it because it happened very subtly. Almost like a throwaway shrug. In fact, it was so subtle, I wasn’t sure if everybody caught it at first. Or at all. Only my colleague was grinning away because she too, was a big U2 fan. Then he looked at me and smiled. And we shared a moment. (Well, he could have been looking at the babe behind me – but I’m still claiming that moment.)

Feather boas…pretty young things screaming and dancing…fire eating…candid interviews…crowd surfing…what is this bizarro world? This actually happened in real time and not just in a video shoot? And it happened to Kris Allen?

Oh irony…

Damn. I am totally violating my rule of not comparing apples and oranges. But I’m not. Or I wouldn’t…if things weren’t so damn obvious. Adam Lambert has a live show at the Fantasy Springs Casino coming up, but he is also doing some crazy cool acoustic concert for VH1 next month. An acoustic show is an awesome opportunity for him to flaunt his strengths as a singer and not just a reality TV celeb. But I gotta admit, I do so get a kick out of how one would attend this intimate acoustic show on Saturday. For reals. If you want to go, you need to send a head shot and vitals to a casting agent.

Seriously. You people so do not get it yet, do you? This is Adam Lambert’s management/RCA explicitly saying, sparkle cows, your herd ain’t coming around these parts because this guy is our investment and you’re causing us to lose money on an investment because you’re batshit crazy and you ruin any Lambert street cred. It’s also why they’re sending him on a mini-tour in the UK. It often helps to work on legitimacy in Europe. Lots of artists get big internationally before earning superstar status in the States. It’s quite simple. RCA & 19E want Adam Lambert to be…COOL.

Sorry. I just can’t help it. All of this is just…it’s just hilarious.