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End times are near

February 20, 2010

The migration is almost complete. Soon traffic will be redirected to our new home at TopIdolBlog!

If you haven’t yet opened an account on the new site, or even if you’re a lurker who enjoys reading and not commenting, I beg of you. Check out the new digs. You may have noticed I’ve been posting on both sites for the past two weeks. I know I suck, but it just ended up that way.

Although I’ve been writing this for almost two years, I’m still amazed anyone reads it. Amazed. You have no idea. Since I have developed a following of sorts and have achieved some status as a D-list Idol blogger, this was the next logical step. Plus, throwing up some ads and getting into some affiliate programs will (hopefully) help me make a little extra cash. This blog has definitely become a second job of sorts.

Obviously, I fear losing the traffic and search rankings associated with moving, so all I can really ask is please! Keep reading! Keep coming back and tell your friends to do the same. And if you like something, Digg it! Delicious it! Yahoo! Buzz it!

I would also like to thank those who donated a few bucks after I threw up the PayPal widget. I felt strange doing it, but again, I am so appreciative. The money donated has gone 100% to the new costs associated with hosting the site, as well as upgrading to a pro template. As I regularly call out scammy bastards who fleece money in the name of “charity”, I have no problem providing where the money went in regards to getting the new site up. Again, I thank you guys so much, those who donated, and most of all, to everyone who bothers reading my shit blog🙂

Idol Quickies: February 19, 2010

February 19, 2010

MJ has posted photos of last night’s Top 24 party. Even a few past Idols showed up to take advantage for free booze and appetizers. Michael Johns is not looking good.

While at MTV yesterday, I wrote an update to their original article about the Chris Golightly. Yup. Me. Hey, they needed someone and I volunteered. Thought it would be fun to test my reporting skills. It felt as if it had been awhile. And I got to pretend I was working at MTV. Heh heh.

While I cobbled the Chris Golightly article together, Jim Cantiello crafted a much better blog post about the Top 10 American Idol Twitter accounts you should be following. If you have not heard, season 9 will be the first time the contestants are permitted to have open Facebook, MySpace and Twitter accounts. This could be very interesting.

Simon Cowell participated in a conference call with Idol journalists. I like Simon, so I’m a bit pissed he suggested Perez Hilton as a possible replacement. I chose to believe he was only pointing out that the show will lose all relevancy without him, and since Perez Hilton is is not-at-all relevant, it would be the perfect fit. Yahoo’s Lyndsey Parker asked Simon if Noel Gallagher would take over the role. He says it kind of maybe might be a possibility. (He also called Lyndsey Leslie. But she was totally okay with it.)

(You can also always play around the almost-all-there NEW Top Idol🙂 I apologize for how long this is taking, but it won’t be much longer, I promise!)

Let’s fill the minority quota: AI Season 9 (Top 24 cont.)

February 18, 2010

Tonight, the rest of American Idol’s Top 24 will be announced. And I’m really bored. Perhaps because we’re kicking things off with Tim Tebow’s girlfriend, Janell Wheeler. And Janell Wheeler is boring!

Janell Wheeler’s voice is…meh. But she has long legs and enjoys showing them off with short skirts. That, blond hair and a nice rack might even earn you a spot in the semifinals without having a tragic back story involving your pet snail.

Tyler Grady wants to be Jim Morrison because he saw Val Kilmer play him once in a really, really bad Oliver Stone biopic. Has anyone else noticed they always let Kara DioGuardi deliver the good news to slender white men?

(I feel really, really gay-in-an-80s-way that I am always a tiny bit happy to see Kris Allen doing REAL Ford Commercials. And just like clockwork, I am then left to ponder whether or not I would sleep with Luke Wilson.)

Lacey Brown made it to the Top 50 last year. And lost. And this year, she’s oh-so close. Just as I’m about to think she will be screwed again, Simon tells her its REALLY GOOD NEWS. After hearing her rendition of What a Wonderful World, I gotta admit, I want to hear more of her voice.

Naturally, one of my least favorites, Ashley Rodriguez, makes it through. If my general disdain for her could be measured in fake-ass cocktail rings, it still would be like, 20x the size of the one she was wearing. I bet that piece of crap came from Kara DioGuardi’s new line of jewelry for HSN and its called Reach for the Mediocrity.

Alex Lambert and Joe Munoz make it because we totally need male cannon fodder. I’m actually including a photo of little Joe Munoz now, as we will likely see even less of him than last year’s poor, sacrificial lamb Jorge Nunez.

Yay! Crystal Bowersox time! Crystal Bowersox is fast becoming my favorite contestant of this year’s shittier-than-normal season. She’s totally my plucky single mom of choice. And obviously, she is super, super cool because she bides her time with Lilly Scott.

Naturally, we all know (including Simon Cowell) Crystal Bowersox is wayyyyy too good for this Idol bullshit, but we’re still super happy she made it! Crystal (Mama Sox?) is also smart enough to bring both her baby and her pepaw! I like the way she thinks! She totally knows what’s up.

Katie Stevens is a no brainer. I can also tell you EVERY SINGLE SONG SHE WILL SING THIS SEASON. It’s just like the game I play in random cities when I end up in random bars with some no-name cover band. Call out the songs you know they will play. I used to always win with that Matchbox 20 shit, 3AM Eternal. Ellen tells Katie she’s made it through, using the same schtick she’s been using on everyone she tells. Come on, Ellen! You’re more original than that, aren’t you? I would like to imagine Simon was being a smart ass on Katie’s way out.

Your grandma will be happy.

How much do you wanna bet people are already raising money to get her grandmother and a wheelchair on a plane to LAX right about…now? For chrissake, my memaws were evil bitches. One of them had me baptized and never told my parents or me. Seriously. Bitch asked me when are you gonna be Catholic for your grandmother her entire life when she had my sister drive her to the church when I was an infant.

Bye bye, douchey douche guy. Now return to your brethren of Lost London Brothers.

And this girl? Who is she? She is wayyyy too young to be drawing on eyebrows, I tell ya. Way too young!

THE THIRD CUT IS THE DEEPEST

And now for American Idol’s cruelest moment, the elimination of Angela Martin. The three-time auditioner who actually has a REAL LIFE HOLY HELL TRAGIC BACK STORY. And even though she has the most tragic back story in the history of American Idol, she still has a great weave.

JESUS CHRIST IF HER LIFE WAS NOT ALREADY HORRIBLE ENOUGH

I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS. PAULA!!!!!! PAULA!!!!!! COME BACK PAULA COME BACK!!!

You’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. And I’m gonna remember you forever, Angela.

Like this is supposed to make her feel better? It would send me to the nearest ledge.

Please make it all go away, Lilly Scott. Make it all go away. You even tried singing Hall & Oates’ Rich Girl! I love you. I want you and Crystal Bowersox to teach me how to sing. We can all be besties! The beautiful moment when Lilly is told she she is going through is nearly ruined by Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi, naturally, but I’m trying really, really hard not to dwell on it!

Paige Miles (who?) and Siobhan Magnus made it. As did Michelle Delamor. And Jermaine Sellers? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Oh. And look who else made it. JOHN PARK. GO ASIAN GO ASIAN GO ASIAN. Show the world Asians can take over American Idol just like the Olympic Games.

But I think they made a mistake on which Jermaine to take. Purifory was soooo much better than Sellers, dammit!

It’s teen vs. teen? Haeley Vaughan vs. Tori Kelly. I already know they go with Haeley Vaughn, who drives me nuts. I don’t care that she’s a country-singing black girl. I feel super bad every time I say she looks like a tranny because I know she’s just a kid, but I just can’t…

For the 1001th time, Simon stresses how this year just has so many strong girls. Sorry, Tori. You’re out. It’s not gonna happen for you this time.

I might cry after the break, as Andrew Garcia is pitted against Thaddeus Johnson (and his AWESOME ADORABLE MAMA). Well…Thaddeus is only 17, so he has lots of time. Andrew Garcia is a former gang banger with a wife and kid in his mid 20s. You know what happens. But I loved Thaddeus and his Mama, dammit. I LOVE THEM.

Because I’m typing furiously, I left the commercials on. And I see what is obviously the greatest idea EVER. At least in the realm of traveling with children. Or just in the realm of children. As a whole.

Frankly, I’m just not ready to say goodbye to Thaddeus Johnson. Or Mama Johnson. No way. No day. NEVER. Thaddeus is told he did nothing wrong, that he was great, but he did not make it. Obviously, Michael Lynche filled their big black dude quota for the year.

Watching Thaddeus and his friend walk away in tears, with cameras tailing them, is making me get all teary eyed. And then there is his mother! And the camera men followed him into them into the bathroom when he went to collect himself. Just when I think Idol can’t get any worse, it always does…

We know what happens next. Andrew Garcia goes through. Andrew Garcia, please stop reminding me of Danny Gokey. Maybe its just the fashion eyewear? Hmmmm…I’ve got my eye on you.

And Tim Urban (huh?) who is now in the Top 24 because OMG ORPHAN BOY Chris Golightly was disqualified yesterday, for allegedly failing to tell producers about a previous recording contract. Somewhere Orphan Boy, there are frauen crying over this injustice tonight.

Now I’m not buying into this its a girls’ year crap, however, I’m not really feeling anyone…except for Crystal Bowersox and Lilly Scott. Who are girls. Oh well. They’re special.

AI9 Top 24 (Part 1): Your tragic back story just was not as strong as their tragic back story

February 17, 2010

Whoa. Two hellacious hours of American Idol. Do we really need to spread the Top 24 selection over TWO NIGHTS? Especially when there is men’s figure skating for the taking? Ah yes. This is when they tell two rooms to get the hell out. It’s all coming back to me now.

I really, really do not want to see Angela Martin get booted for what? The third time. What’s not to like about that girl? Jermaine Purifory sings Brick House, because he believes the world needs more Brick House. Casey James decides to take the new in thing on Idol — taking a “feminine” song and making it masculine. So he sings Colbie Callie’s Bubbly, which is totally better than the original. But that’s not too difficult, considering singing about Scubbing Bubbles would even be better than that Bubbly, the most grating, overplayed song of 2007-2008. Not sure what happened to Colbie Callie. I assume she’s living in some squat house with K.T. Tunstall.

Yawn. Faux drama! Although I’ve never understood why Idol is unable to provide sofas or other suitable seating for those stuck awaiting their fate. Oh yes. That wouldn’t make it so DRAMATIC! It would not remind one of say, what probably went on in the third class section of the Titanic an hour after the iceberg struck.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? They added echo effects to the judges’ last words? In any case, Jermaine Sellers’ Man in the Mirror did nothing for me. Hey, Kris Allen’s didn’t do anything for me, either! I just hate that song. Cape Cod’s Siobhan Magnus could be kind of appealing in a Punky Brewster sort of way, but I would bet serious cash she bought that Ramones patch from Hot Topic.

Crystal Bowersox! How I love thee! I want to know who autographed your guitar. She even “mumbled-out” the word stoned from Sheryl Crow’s If It Make You Happy. Crystal Bowersox rules.

THAT JASON MRAZ SONG WHICH WILL JUST NOT DIE

Alex Lambert will likely get zero love from me. His familiar-sounding name and his lame-ass mandolin guitar. He’s “sing-a-like” performance of that Jason Mraz song, which, just like saccharine, has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Michael Lynche sings the same damn song, and by all indications, will sing a James Blunt ditty the next time we hear him. For a big black man, Lynche has the musical taste of a freshman sorority girl.

And then Todrick Hall shows up, singing the same damn song, but with his own spin. Todrick looks like a rent boy. This yahoo’s douche-i-tude if off the charts.

Thaddeus Johnson and his mother are all sorts of adorable.

I’m not bubbly. I’m Man in the Mirror…but I’m a bubbly person.

He’s only 17? I had no idea! No wonder his mom’s with him! I really want to go over to their house for Thanksgiving. And his Man in the Mirror blows Jermaine Sellers’ rendition out of the water.

Charity Vance boasts all qualities I hate of my televised reality talent competition contestants. Too young, too pale, too blond and too bland, with a too icky-sweet name. And then there is that night shift pastor chick whose name keeps eluding me, but the fact she’s a pastor….and Mary Powers disappointed me after she got to Hollywood.

I think she’s interesting because she’s older.

Oh Simon. They’re all younger than say, me? I’m not that old…Luckily, the producers cut to Mary’s cute little girl clutching a stuffed animal cheering for her Mommy. Then there’s the cuddly black dock worker Lloyd Thomas crying because he misses his wife and kids. To tug on your heartstrings even more, there’s also the Singing Albino Cop Brian Walker.

Mommy. Dock worker. Police officer. THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT!!! THIS IS AMERICA!!! These are all the figures you’re not supposed to shoot while playing Hogan’s Alley!

Hope Johnson is emotionally fragile. And she had to overcome a lot of poverty when she was little.

Hey, at least that poverty kept her skinny! I kid, I kid. Why is she singing that lame Daughtry song? Yeah. Hope has no hope. She sucked ass. Room 2 is obviously screwed. Sorry singing cop and night shift pastor girl.

Room 3 obviously is going to make it, as Ashley Rodriguez (YAWN) and Didi Benami (PLANT) are sitting their uncomfortably. At least when the cameras are rolling. Shelby Dressel is freaking out in her cowboy boots! It’s all Michael Orland can do from going full-on bitchy gay on her ass. Shelby sings Boston’s More Than a Feeling, of which the arrangement didn’t really have all that many actual lyrics to remember. So really, Michael Orland, you should have gotten more bitchy with her. Aaron Kelly forgets his lyrics as his mother aunt and her Ogilvie Home Perm watch intently from the audience. Aaron should be the next American Idol because his biological parents suck and his aunt and uncle raised him. Come on, Aaron! Didn’t you know there’s a real-life ORPHAN this season! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Ashley Rodriguez sings Beyonce’s Jordin Sparks’ Battlefield and continues to prove she’s everything I hate about music. Plus, that was a song sung by…a former Idol contestant! WHY WHY WHY MUST THEY DO THAT? Lee Dewyze sings The Fray. Joe Munoz sings NO NO NO NOT AGAIN Man in the Mirror. Haeley Vaughn shows up with her misspelled name and guitar and sings OH NO NO NO NO NOT AGAIN that Jason Mraz song. And once again I am forced to feel bad for likening a teenage girl to a transvestite.

Room 3 is a total snoozer. We all know they go through, so please, must we be subjected to even more of this caterwauling of tunes from the World’s Most Overplayed Songbook? No! We’re not done! Because Janell Wheeler (aka Tim Tebow’s girlfriend he doesn’t have premarital sex with) is gonna sing Taylor Swift’s Romeo & Juliet. Crap. I totally feel bad and everything but…why did her family abort the e from her name? IT DRIVES ME NUTS. (Yeah. I know. I went there. She’s the one dating Tim Tebow!)

I could really do without the voiceover bullshit. I expect Idol to be cheesy, but now they’ve truly proven there are no boundaries to cliche and corny. And this is the time of the night when I wonder “aloud” if I would bang Luke Wilson. While I’m pondering bedding Luke Wilson, I’m shocked to see a NEW Kris Allen for Ford Commercial! He’s talking about leaves (i.e., green, carbon friendly, he’ll stick his carbon footprint up your ass) and I am still in awe that they actually gave an Idol contestant a REAL Ford commercial. Just as I’m about to hit fast forward, Charles Barkley is singing about Taco Bell.

Ok. I gotta stop. I’m not getting any younger and this shit lasts two whole hours! Let’s hurry this shit show up! Especially because we totally know Room 2 is OUT OF THERE.

But before the judges tell them the gig is up, we are forced to see (more of…?) ROOM 1! Wait! Didn’t we do this already? Lilly Scott is a total plus. Andrew Garcia still reminds me of Gokey, even with the guitar. And that ain’t a good thing. The judges arrive to hand them their fates, entrusting newbie Ellen DeGeneres to do it. Naturally, Kara DioGuardi is woefully overdressed in a desperate attempt to prove she is hip, hot and RELEVANT. (No one told her that might have worked had she been able to get a Maxim spread in 2000.)

Duh. Room 1 goes through. I even see Gang Bang Garcia and Orphan Boy embrace! Room 1 also includes Chosen One Katie Stevens and screamer/glassblowing apprentice Siobhan Magnus. Actually, Siobhan has now earned a point in my book for not casting her gaze towards the heavens proclaiming this is the best day ever.


Meanwhile, Boston’s Fox affiliate is uber-lucky because they have Ayla Brown spilling IDOL SECRETS!

Big surprise. It’s BAD NEWS for Room 2. OH NOOOOOOO!!! YOUR DREAM IS DEAD DEAD DEAD!! THERE IS NO MORE HOPE!!!

Idol shot the mommy, the dock worker and the police officer! Game over in Hogan’s Alley! It’s a good thing they can feel better about themselves after taking the reformed gang banger, the orphan, and a bunch of other single mommies and married daddies.

Well golly gee. Can you even believe it is actually now LESS suspenseful than it was before? Must we even bother with watching them tell Room 3 everything is okay? Have they not deduced everything via outside noise? If the carpeting is that bad, you know the walls can’t be that thick. But before we inform them of the good news, let’s take a final parting glance at Mary Powers, her arty manfriend (He’s bald! He wears sunglasses indoors!) and pouting little lass.

The judges tell Room 3 its good news. I now fear for John Park! Did he Lambertize himself because he figured out its the only way the frauen might warm to an Asian male?

Oh. And I am so calling Ashley Rodriguez Frosted Blue Eye Shadow until I think of something infinitely more appropos and clever. I also begin to think about the torture all these kids are put through when the judges have already made their decisions. Why not just send the room-of-sucky-people home then rather than put them through more hell.

Top 24 Results…

Michael Lynche goes first. We learn his daughter is named Layla Rose Lynche. Big Mike makes it, interesting considering the conflicting rumors regarding whether or not his father spilled the goods over a month ago.

Didi Benami is next. Seriously, Idol, why bother? Why? Why bother when everyone has seen the spoilers?

That raw emotion was borne of tragedy.

Ryan Seacrest, please can it. OH FOR FRAK’S SAKE! DIDI BENAMI HAS A DEAD FRIEND. Well, she made it this far, that’s why we have to make sure she has a proper tragedy. Didi Benami has a tragic back story AND a raspberry beret!

Guess what? EVERYONE has had something really shitty to happen to them. It’s called life. It’s just all in how the story is spun. Everyone has a tragic back story.

Katelyn Epperly is a child of divorce. Statistically, half of all marriages end in divorce. This is not good enough. Katelyn also nods in an annoying manner and sang Bonnie Raitt…AND Bubbly.

Just because mom and dad got divorced doesn’t mean we can’t go off and do great things.

Obviously, Mama Epperly and those wily Idol producers taught Katelyn how to properly milk her tragic back story since last summer. Personally, I would like Katelyn Epperly to be divorced from my television screen. Ellen babbles on about how making her wait would be cruel…yes, yes, we get it. Ha ha ha. No way Epperly is making the Top 12. No way in hell. No way in latch key kid heaven.

Upon listening to her finally Hollywood Week audition, Shelby Dressel (Oh man! I totally just remembered she was the girl with the facial impairment! This is what happens when there are too many tragic back stories to keep straight!) wasn’t very good. And I still don’t understand what lyrics she had difficulty remembering. Oh well. Shelby gets sent home, but she can try out again next year. Plus, we just needed someone to eliminate before the commercial break, someone who was willing to walk sadly down the Sunset Strip into the bowels of their broken dreams.

Casey James has a tragic back story, too! Did you know? And can you believe I’m not referring to his stripdown for Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi? Nah, he had some accident or something, maybe a hangnail? Doctors thought he might never play guitar again.

It says here you’re from a town called Cool.

KILL. ME. NOW. Or just kill Kara. Just do something with her. Cryogenics. Siberia. Cool, Texas. I DO NOT CARE. Just get her out of here.

Aaron Kelly had bad parents (tragic back story), but a good aunt & uncle. He wears braided rope bracelets, shell necklaces and has hair preferred by those popular boys in my 7th grade class. There is something inherently sweet and unimposing about this young man that I find it impossible to hate much more on him. Even my icy, cynical heart knows some boundaries.

Lee Dewyze also makes it. But he was a close call. Most likely not because of vocal ability, but for obvious lack of a tragic back story shared with the producers.

Todrick Hall doesn’t even get an elaborate did-he-or-didn’t-he. They just let his douchey scammer ass through and play some song about angels learning how to fly.

Jessica Furney was rejected last year. Furney was the only one in her group (The Parkettes) to shine during the Sweet Escape debacle. Judging by the previews, we already know Jessica doesn’t make it and gets PISSED OFF. She starts pleading her case. You can tell Kara DioGuardi just loves dashing this poor girl’s hopes and dreams.

Seriously! I have this in me. You have no idea what I can do.

I sort of appreciate Jessica’s gusto, but she keeps going on and on…at least she asks in the end. Oh wait. Then she starts whining about losing her voice. Oh Jessica, you’re only what? 17? 21? You have a long time. And I was in your corner, now I…well…just chill…and well…Come on, Jessica, you just needed a better tragic back story.

Next year, Jessica, don’t whine about losing your voice. Whine about losing a friend you had at age 10 or your appendix. THAT is how you become an American Idol.

I feel really bad for whomever it was sobbing in the toilet during the final credits. But hey, at least you got some screen time.

Now that you’re done reading this, check out some other recaps from my favorite Idol bloggers🙂
(Check back for updates)

Fancast’s Maura Johnston — American Idol Breaks Out the Scissors and the Kleenex

You know you want a camera licked by Adam Lambert

February 15, 2010

Adam Lambert licked a camera during Friday’s Rock My Town show in NYC. Because he’s all bawdy and rawkgod-y like that.

Now some Glambert wants to make a few bucks off the camera he licked, so she’s auctioning the allegedly-licked Kodak point-and-shoot on eBay.

How dare this Glambert? TRYING TO SELL SOMETHING LICKED BY THE SAVIOR???? HOW COULD SHE?

Clearly she is not a TRUE GLAMBERT. Off with her head! Oh wait…the seller is a Kris Allen fan? By all means! Make a profit. In fact, I applaud your entrepreneurial skills.

Ha ha ha. Lambert licked a Kris Allen’s fan camera. Sorry, Glamberts. Guess you’ll just have to bid for it now🙂

Kradison, Stoli Vanilla and a Glambert on a Rascal Rocked My Town

February 14, 2010

On Friday night, I got wrecked at the Rock My Town show at the Highline Ballroom in Chelsea. I’ve been told I embraced my inner Kristard — in jest, of course.

Like so wrecked I lost my phone and acted like a total tard during Kris Allen’s set. This is what happens if you drink too much after not eating all day. I would love to regale you with some crazy, three-part recap, but that would require me remembering the last part of the night. (And no, I am not a drunk. I just never had breakfast, lunch or dinner.) Since I only had a few minutes to get to the show upon arriving in NYC, I booked a cheap hotel room because it was easier than coordinating my usual crashing-on-friend’s-sofas.

SHAMELESS PLUG:
The Jane Hotel and their $79/night rooms RULE. Even if the establishment has caused a bit of controversy around the neighborhood, the staff is super friendly and it allowed me to indulge in my Titanic/transatlantic steamship obsession I’ve had since age 11.

OMG IS THIS MY VERY FIRST TARD STORY? IT INVOLVED ZERO STREET TEAMING!

On the way to the venue, I asked this guy if I was going in the right direction, just to make sure. I was in a hurry. He said, sure, I’m walking that way, just come with me. Nice guy, lived in Boston while attending Harvard Business School. He asked me what show I was seeing. I said, you don’t want to know. He said, oh yeah I do. So I told him, and also explained I was covering it for my blog and had been invited by some of my MOST AWESOME READERS. His name is Patrick, btw.

Patrick: Hey, does this make me gay? I like Kris Allen.

Me: Oh no. He’s kind of my favorite. And I enjoyed his album. I like him more now since the show. Can I tell the girls I’m meeting you said this? Because they’ll be really excited.

Patrick: (Laughs) Sure. Yeah, I like the guy. I downloaded Live Like We’re Dying. It’s a good song. He just seems like your everyday kind of dude. Laid back. Kind of like John Mayer.

Me: Maybe because they both play guitars, but he’s not really a douche. I don’t think he’s called his penis David Duke or anything.

Patrick: Yeah, you’re right. But I like that guy. He’s just seems like a cool dude. Never liked Adam Lambert, and not because of anything else but I think he screeches.

So Patrick and I exchanged information because he wants to read my blog (need to email him after this) and I arrived at the show.

OMG THERE IS THE LINE OF WOMEN JUST AHEAD OF ME OUTSIDE A WESTERN BEEF

Upon arriving to the Western Beef Highline Ballroom on West 16th, I was struck by how many damn Glamberts were in attendance. I was also told the first ones showed up at 3:30am to wait in line. I could barely stand outside the 45 minutes I was queued. I thought I was going to die of hypothermia or at least lose a couple of toes to gang green.

On my way in, I ran into Gossip Candy! She’s easy to spot with her curly red hair! Super sweet gal. The Idol blogger stratosphere is just too funny, ain’t it? I mean, if all of us can get along, then why can’t the fans?

I obeyed the rules and did not bring my camera, as much as it pained me. I took photos with my camera phone, thankfully, I sent them to TwitPic so they still exist.

Some lovely, self-described Kristards in the NYC area invited me to this special shindig and I am still so gracious for giving me one of their tickets. None of them are what I think of when I think of Idol fans…but we were surrounded by a horde herd of those! It was clear we were in the minority, although I was actually wearing my fingerless, striped gloves, royal blue tights and black boots with rivets.

I thought I was going to lose my shit when a few of them busted out an ADAM LAMBERT CAPE and made a couple little girls (daughters and granddaughters, I assume) pose for photos with it.

As we all know, however, it can get worse. And it typically does. A circle of 10-15 Glamberts decided to create their own Kumbaya moment with a group sing of Whataya Want From Me. All that was missing were hand-held candles! There was a short, squat woman behind me with a black tooth. I think she could have hurt someone with her bare hands. Or a shank. I would also bet $50 she keeps a carton of Newports in her nightstand.

After much shivering, we were finally allowed into the venue. I’m not quite sure about all this talk about concertgoers being squashed and packed in like sardines. That’s bullshit. People crowded as close to the stage as humanly possible, but there was tons of open space on the actual floor. After standing out there for one minute upon entering, a couple of woman elbowed through where I was standing. Neither one of them turned around to offer an obligatory apology.

Claire was standing in line for coatcheck and I went to give her my coat, she was talking to a woman wearing a t-shirt reading GLAMBERT #3569 on the back. My mouth kind of dropped open a bit at this point, as no matter how many photos I see of this on the interweb, it always manages to throw me for a tiny loop in real life.

At this point, all I want is a drink. Hey, I only get out sporadically and come on! The Rock My Town show was reason to drink! I get a drink. No line at the bar. I stand with my group, get shoved by a Glambert, look around at the crowd. Oh, look! There’s Jim!

So I go and greet Jim who is standing with Yahoo! Music’s Lyndsey Parker. Lyndsey and I were introduced about a month ago via FB by a mutual friend in Los Angeles. So it was awesome to finally meet her in person. Lyndsey is AWESOME. I spent a lot of the show with her, including Lambert’s set which we watched from the side while downing Stoli Vanilla & Diet Cokes. Take that, evil Glamberts! I watched Adam’s set with Lyndsey. And if you’re wondering, I also cheered loudly! I clapped! I was into it!

Before Lambert played, it was Allison Iraheta aka La Princesa del Mariachi on stage. I think I yelled LA PRINCESA after her set. Lyndsey and I stood with Slezak and Jim for her set. And I just kept turning around to Slezak and saying, OMG THAT VOICE IS SICK. I really needed a shot of us tarding over La Princesa.

Allison can out-sing any teeny bopper making millions for Disney and really, if Taylor Swift was that good performing live? Because she’s not. But that reminds me…how awesome would it be to see Allison Iraheta duet with Stevie Nicks? SO AWESOME. Allison is just adorable, her self-effacing humor makes her entirely lovable and reminds us that she is young! She may sport a killer head of burgundy hair and a kick ass wardrobe, as well as a voice of a woman twice her age, you never ever get the impression she is trying to be someone she is not. She doesn’t need to tart herself up to be seen as “more adult”. She really only has to be…Allison. I really think this kid’s future is incredibly bright. My two favorites from her set? Definitely Robot Love and her sick, punked-up rendition of Killing Me Softly. Could she get in a studio and record that, like say, now??

And in between Allison and Adam’s set, YoBench got this awesome shot!

By the middle of Lambert’s set, the overall excitement of the evening and fact I had not eaten all day was starting to catch up with me. And I was drunk. And even though I consider it my biggest responsibility to document as many frightening acts of fantardary as possible, the evening became more about having fun and seeing a good show. This wasn’t as arduous of a task as say, catching a stop on the Idol tour.

And since drinking was a priority, I was lucky I stumbled into a Glambert on a Rascal when going for another round. Damn crappy camera phone. I really wanted the Rascal to figure more prominently into the shot.

From the angle Lyndsey and I were standing during Lambert’s set, we had a good view. We were on the side. I’m sad I missed the fainting ladies, but I think we ran down to the center after that. But I gotta say something, even though I was drunk enough to sing along to Music Again, a song I don’t even like…you see, I get drunk and sing…which you’ll see in a little big. Anyway, Adam Lambert needs to chill on the makeup. It was not good. Not good at all. I understand you may have to overcompensate when there are spotlights, but Jesus Christ. They don’t use this much makeup in Kabuki theater! It’s almost painful, really. He’s not an unattractive guy. But the makeup, yikes.

Oh, and him and his little friend Tommy. I got confused for a second because I was certain Tegan and Sara were playing Boston’s Orpheum Theater that night.

I rejoined my beautiful little group of Kristards for Kris Allen’s set. How nice! We have more room! Thank you, Glamberts, for leaving the building. Of course, it is just my luck that I was now really drunk. Luckily, there is video evidence of me really getting into the show.

To be honest, I can’t even bring myself to listen to it after hearing about my singing and tard-like proclamations. But hey, I consider myself a fan of Kris Allen, and since he was the only contestant to “take my advice” during Idol Movie Theme Night, you can understand I get a bit excited when he sings Glen H.

Kris Allen has come such a long way since I saw him play the Idol show back in August. Watching him live is almost like watching an entirely different performer. He’s more confident. He’s more comfortable. His voice seems to be getting stronger with each live performance. He has such a great synergy with his band. You totally get the “we’re a band” vibe from them, rather than we’re “we’re this guy’s band”.

Adam, Allison and Kris all have solid bands backing them, so I’m curious to see how they all grow as performers, and how they relate to their bands. In my honest opinion, I do feel Kris and Allison tend to bring their band members into their performances more than Lambert, offering more of collective effort. I can see Allison becoming a kick-ass frontwoman to a punk/pop-rock band. Lambert may grind on Little Tommy, but I feel like the focus must always be on him. Hey, the guy wants to be a solo superstar, so its not a knock against him, its just an observation on how different all of them are as musicians.

For the encore, Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta joined Kris on stage for a pretty awesome Kradison take on Gnarls Barkley’s Crazy. What was even more enjoyable than the actual performance, was just watching how much fun the three of them were having up there on stage. Of course, upon re-watching this from the comfort of my living room sofa, something just occurred to me…

WHAT A PERFECT SONG.

Yes, Glamberts. Adam Lambert was totally singing TO YOU. Yes. Yes. He was. YOU’RE LOCO YOU’RE LOOOOOOOOOOCO.

Yup. Because you muthafuckas (hey, just quoting your master) are CRAAAAAAZY.

YOU’RE LOCO YOU’RE LOCO YOU’RE LOCO

Perhaps I am a slightly bigger Lambert fan now than I was when walking into the Highline. He just called his fans CRAZY! YOU’RE CRAZY YEAH YEAH YEAH And I am obviously sympathetic to a guy who gets hammered and loses his phone. Can we really blame him for being drunk? He was being groped by women with AARP subscriptions!

Oh, and btw. Kris Allen’s set didn’t make me believe in God. I like the kid, ok? And if you’re having fun at a concert, you have fun at a concert. And this was the first Idol-related show I’ve ever seen where I could actually get past a lot of the idiot tards and enjoy the show for what it was. I just went with it. And I had a great time.

But who am I kidding? It still totally helped I met a Glambert on a Rascal.

YOU’RE LOOOOOCO YEAH YEAH YEAHHHHHH

(Sorry. I’ll stop now.)

And I want to extend a special thanks to Claire, Laura, Meredith, Caroline, Elle and Whitney for allowing me to join them on such a kick ass excursion, and not wearing any puffy paint tard apparel. Of course, I really don’t think that’s how they roll. And they can call me drunkface forever. I accept this fate.

Kris Allen performing Coldplay’s “The Scientist” in Tampa

February 14, 2010

After Friday’s Rock My Town show in NYC, Kris Allen, his erstwhile bandmates, and Allison Iraheta flew to Tampa for another show. During this time Adam Lambert got shit-faced and lost his mobile (it’s okay, Lambert, I feel your pain) and reportedly made out with some club dudes before waking up hungover for his intimate VH1 acoustic show.

Kris Allen, the Kris Allen Band and Allison Iraheta could have all gotten drunk, too. I have no idea. Then again, they didn’t have heavily made-up aggressive women in the midst of overwhelming hot flashes groping their crotches. If I were Adam Lambert, I would have to be drunk during that crap, too. And for at least 24 hours after. Gotta erase the pain away, ya know?

Anyhoo, Kris Allen and his buddy Cale decided to do Coldplay’s The Scientist while driving somewhere and randomly hearing it on the radio. It’s good.  Enjoy.

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