Let’s fill the minority quota: AI Season 9 (Top 24 cont.)
Tonight, the rest of American Idol’s Top 24 will be announced. And I’m really bored. Perhaps because we’re kicking things off with Tim Tebow’s girlfriend, Janell Wheeler. And Janell Wheeler is boring!
Janell Wheeler’s voice is…meh. But she has long legs and enjoys showing them off with short skirts. That, blond hair and a nice rack might even earn you a spot in the semifinals without having a tragic back story involving your pet snail.
Tyler Grady wants to be Jim Morrison because he saw Val Kilmer play him once in a really, really bad Oliver Stone biopic. Has anyone else noticed they always let Kara DioGuardi deliver the good news to slender white men?
(I feel really, really gay-in-an-80s-way that I am always a tiny bit happy to see Kris Allen doing REAL Ford Commercials. And just like clockwork, I am then left to ponder whether or not I would sleep with Luke Wilson.)
Lacey Brown made it to the Top 50 last year. And lost. And this year, she’s oh-so close. Just as I’m about to think she will be screwed again, Simon tells her its REALLY GOOD NEWS. After hearing her rendition of What a Wonderful World, I gotta admit, I want to hear more of her voice.
Naturally, one of my least favorites, Ashley Rodriguez, makes it through. If my general disdain for her could be measured in fake-ass cocktail rings, it still would be like, 20x the size of the one she was wearing. I bet that piece of crap came from Kara DioGuardi’s new line of jewelry for HSN and its called Reach for the Mediocrity.
Alex Lambert and Joe Munoz make it because we totally need male cannon fodder. I’m actually including a photo of little Joe Munoz now, as we will likely see even less of him than last year’s poor, sacrificial lamb Jorge Nunez.
Yay! Crystal Bowersox time! Crystal Bowersox is fast becoming my favorite contestant of this year’s shittier-than-normal season. She’s totally my plucky single mom of choice. And obviously, she is super, super cool because she bides her time with Lilly Scott.
Naturally, we all know (including Simon Cowell) Crystal Bowersox is wayyyyy too good for this Idol bullshit, but we’re still super happy she made it! Crystal (Mama Sox?) is also smart enough to bring both her baby and her pepaw! I like the way she thinks! She totally knows what’s up.
Katie Stevens is a no brainer. I can also tell you EVERY SINGLE SONG SHE WILL SING THIS SEASON. It’s just like the game I play in random cities when I end up in random bars with some no-name cover band. Call out the songs you know they will play. I used to always win with that Matchbox 20 shit, 3AM Eternal. Ellen tells Katie she’s made it through, using the same schtick she’s been using on everyone she tells. Come on, Ellen! You’re more original than that, aren’t you? I would like to imagine Simon was being a smart ass on Katie’s way out.
Your grandma will be happy.
How much do you wanna bet people are already raising money to get her grandmother and a wheelchair on a plane to LAX right about…now? For chrissake, my memaws were evil bitches. One of them had me baptized and never told my parents or me. Seriously. Bitch asked me when are you gonna be Catholic for your grandmother her entire life when she had my sister drive her to the church when I was an infant.
Bye bye, douchey douche guy. Now return to your brethren of Lost London Brothers.
And this girl? Who is she? She is wayyyy too young to be drawing on eyebrows, I tell ya. Way too young!
THE THIRD CUT IS THE DEEPEST
And now for American Idol’s cruelest moment, the elimination of Angela Martin. The three-time auditioner who actually has a REAL LIFE HOLY HELL TRAGIC BACK STORY. And even though she has the most tragic back story in the history of American Idol, she still has a great weave.
JESUS CHRIST IF HER LIFE WAS NOT ALREADY HORRIBLE ENOUGH
I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS. PAULA!!!!!! PAULA!!!!!! COME BACK PAULA COME BACK!!!
You’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. And I’m gonna remember you forever, Angela.
Like this is supposed to make her feel better? It would send me to the nearest ledge.
Please make it all go away, Lilly Scott. Make it all go away. You even tried singing Hall & Oates’ Rich Girl! I love you. I want you and Crystal Bowersox to teach me how to sing. We can all be besties! The beautiful moment when Lilly is told she she is going through is nearly ruined by Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi, naturally, but I’m trying really, really hard not to dwell on it!
Paige Miles (who?) and Siobhan Magnus made it. As did Michelle Delamor. And Jermaine Sellers? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Oh. And look who else made it. JOHN PARK. GO ASIAN GO ASIAN GO ASIAN. Show the world Asians can take over American Idol just like the Olympic Games.
But I think they made a mistake on which Jermaine to take. Purifory was soooo much better than Sellers, dammit!
It’s teen vs. teen? Haeley Vaughan vs. Tori Kelly. I already know they go with Haeley Vaughn, who drives me nuts. I don’t care that she’s a country-singing black girl. I feel super bad every time I say she looks like a tranny because I know she’s just a kid, but I just can’t…
For the 1001th time, Simon stresses how this year just has so many strong girls. Sorry, Tori. You’re out. It’s not gonna happen for you this time.
I might cry after the break, as Andrew Garcia is pitted against Thaddeus Johnson (and his AWESOME ADORABLE MAMA). Well…Thaddeus is only 17, so he has lots of time. Andrew Garcia is a former gang banger with a wife and kid in his mid 20s. You know what happens. But I loved Thaddeus and his Mama, dammit. I LOVE THEM.
Because I’m typing furiously, I left the commercials on. And I see what is obviously the greatest idea EVER. At least in the realm of traveling with children. Or just in the realm of children. As a whole.
Frankly, I’m just not ready to say goodbye to Thaddeus Johnson. Or Mama Johnson. No way. No day. NEVER. Thaddeus is told he did nothing wrong, that he was great, but he did not make it. Obviously, Michael Lynche filled their big black dude quota for the year.
Watching Thaddeus and his friend walk away in tears, with cameras tailing them, is making me get all teary eyed. And then there is his mother! And the camera men followed him into them into the bathroom when he went to collect himself. Just when I think Idol can’t get any worse, it always does…
We know what happens next. Andrew Garcia goes through. Andrew Garcia, please stop reminding me of Danny Gokey. Maybe its just the fashion eyewear? Hmmmm…I’ve got my eye on you.
And Tim Urban (huh?) who is now in the Top 24 because OMG ORPHAN BOY Chris Golightly was disqualified yesterday, for allegedly failing to tell producers about a previous recording contract. Somewhere Orphan Boy, there are frauen crying over this injustice tonight.
Now I’m not buying into this its a girls’ year crap, however, I’m not really feeling anyone…except for Crystal Bowersox and Lilly Scott. Who are girls. Oh well. They’re special.