Crap Knows No Boundaries: Your American Idol Top 2

According to VFTW (via Joe’s Place), Simon Fuller’s choice means the contestants will be singing songs from over three decades ago. How relevant! And how sweet. You gave the gay dude A Change is Gonna Come. Hell, I don’t know about you but the American Idol finale always makes me think of Brown v. Board of Education, right?

But you’re supposed to draw those parallels, right?

The dude is gay. What the hell does it matter?

But Camryn Manheim is there! And wow, the Nokia is soooo much bigger than CBS Studios. I think. But those cameras can play tricks on you.

Kayne vs. California? The Guy Next Door vs. The Guyliner? Oh for chrissake.

And Randy, even when wearing a suit & tie, still looks like he let the kid sitting next to him on the short bus dress him again. But that makes PERFECT sense, as Shit For Brains rides it with him to work every week.

Carly Smithson is in the audience. And a bunch of other people who used to be on the show, people like Casey Carlson, who for some reason, I still get hits for with people searching for her, which I can only attribute to her being really cute with a nice rack.

Okay. Let’s get God vs. Gay going. Of course, this is the revised, fuzzy-wuzzy, nail-polished version of God vs. Gay and hear about the remaining two contestants as children. Apparently, Lambert screamed a lot as a child.

Adam Lambert
Mad World

This just reminded me: Mad World used to be my ring tone. But it was an analog/digitized version which was just kind of amusing. Not that any of you give a shit about what I used to have as my ringtone, I just thought I would throw that in there.

Lambert is cloaked in black, standing in billowing smoke and Jesus-ordained flamboyance. I always prefer his performances where the screeching is kept to a minimum. More Lambert, less Screech McQueen. I could live without much of his cabaret eyefucking, but this performance was quite pleasing, as there was uh, zero screeching.

Why the frak is Randy talking about his long coat? Uh oh. Shit For Brains is talking and she claims Lambert changed the game up for every other contestant when he sang Mad World because of his artistry, blah blah blah. Shut the frak —

HOLY SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS!!! HOLY SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS AND YOUNGER ASIAN WIFE!!!

Good to see Sir Hopkins is aging gracefully, although he reminds me less of Hannibal Lecter and more of Aphasia-riddled Col. Ludlow from Legends of the Fall. (Terrible, terrible movie. Only notable for the amazing line: Helena was a bustling metropolis.)

And while we talk about Lambert’s long journey, we get to see all the fallen contestants in the audience. Looks like Anoop is sitting next to Megan Joy, which will further rumors about him making her caw all night long. We even get to see a tiny Jorge Nunez looking happy. He seemed like a sweet kid, however, I’m just pissed off Giraud is wearing another goddamn hat. QUATTO THE MOLE wants to see the show, dammit. Let Quatto watch the show.

And of course, Gokey looks like…Gokey.

Simon calls Lambert overtheatrical, which reminds me of when he criticized David Cook last year. He likes to work angles, meanwhile, Randy tries to look cool but sputtering the word Twilight about three times.

(I refuse to watch or read Twilight. I want to drive a stake through Twilight‘s stupid Hot Topic-shade-of-black heart.)

Hot By Default’s parents further endear themselves to the American public (but am I the only one who adores Papa Lambert’s incredibly dry sense of humor?) when his Mom shows an adorable coupon her dear Kristopher gave her a few years ago.

Kris Allen
Ain’t No Sunshine

I think this performance was when I decided Hot By Default was going to make a serious dent in the competition. I don’t care what incredible vocal acrobatics Lambert displays on a weekly basis, no one has come close (with the exception of La Princesa del Mariachi) to expressing genuine, heartfelt emotion on the Idol stage. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been a “lyrics” girl, but the most important thing to me is seeing someone make something believable. And I believe Hot By Default nearly every time he’s performing, whereas Lambert, he simply performs.

Well, that totally made sense in my mind, but you can call bullshit if you’d like. But first, let’s check out M.R.S. Allen this week. She smiles and nods. Oh Hot By Default, I am sure she is a sweet girl but please-oh-please go drink a lot of booze and screw a lot of women now that you’re famous. I only want what’s best for you.

Simon looks smug! What is this all about? Alas, Randy begins. He likes that HBD grabbed the microphone? He also says its one of his best performances. Shit For Brains cuts him (and the applause) off so she can say she agrees with him. Meanwhile, M.R.S. Allen dilligently, as if she were a seal digesting a small fish.

Ok, ok. I’ll stop dogging on M.R.S. Allen…for now. Let’s look at HBD soak up Useless Dawg’s pre-programmed critique. He knows he just has to smile during Useless Dawg and Shit For Brains’ critique because they mean nothing to…anyone.

Paula, meanwhile, is totally busting out the Paula Abdul Jewelry tonight, showcasing it with satin pajamas from the Peter Pan Collection.

Ooooh, Simon eats his words. He talks all his uncertainty about HBD’s name being called last week BACK. Yeah, frak you, GOKEY. Jesus loves Kris Allen more! He even gives Round 1 to HBD (of course, he did do this with Archuleta last year, so…) and we see more shots of HBD’s family, making me wonder if he had ever met a female with non-flaxen hair before American Idol.

Adam Lambert
A Change is Gonna Come

I was rather surprised this song was selected, if only because Coretta Scott Mercado gave such an unmemorable rendition last season, but hey, I am all for erasing all memory of Coretta Scott Mercado, granted I don’t really remember a single one of her performances.

I actually like Lambert doing the blues thing, and I guess I’ll live with his screech since he spared us with tonight’s Mad World. Like I always say, I don’t dislike Adam Lambert at all. The guy has mad talent, its just that, he doesn’t really surprise me at this point. Now if he were to come out in drag, well, that would be awesome. On so many levels.

I kind of groan with the over-the-top emoting before he finishes with My Change is Gonna Come. Yeah. He did great, but why pick that song for the gay guy? He’s gay. He’s not a leper.

Shit For Brains says its his best performance and his best emotional correction. She also uses all these weirdo hand movements which make me think she is having a seizure.

Paula says its his best performance ever and says he will be iconic. Yeah, he was good. I just thought it was a tad much choosing a song written during the civil rights movement for the (basically) open gay guy.

People can’t class things up for the finale shows, btw. They still have to bring homemade signs. This one obviously took a lot of work, and while it disgusts me on so many levels, it is giving a shoutout to my native land. Holla.

PRAISE XENU!!! PRAISE XENU!!!

Wow. Compared to Katiebot Holmes, M.R.S. Allen looks live a real-life breathing human being! Look at the death in Joey Potter’s eyes! And Suribot wants to run far away. Katiebot is covering her tiny robot’s ears because they’re both wondering if Daddy hit that shit.

Oh come on now. Adam Lambert wouldn’t screw a talentless midget closet case! Never!

Kris Allen
What’s Goin’ On?

HBD now busts out the guitar, which is good, because they can’t use instruments on that stupid final song Shit For Brains wrote. Ah, I get it. Fuller chose a song about love conquering hate when piting the Nice Christian Dude vs. the Gay Guy. Because this is American Idol! And American Idol must be a reflection of society and hot button issues.

That was a solid performance, but I would have liked for them to have picked a different song. Randy thinks it was too light.

I like that Simon Fuller picked a socially conscious song for you.

Oh, Shit For Brains. Oh, Randy. So the song Adam just did wasn’t socially conscious? Are we just totally ignoring that fact now? I mean, I’m super smart, but any idiot can see the obvious reasons these songs were selected. It’s basic, tenth-grade English symbolism ya dumb twat.

I just really hate listening to her talk, don’t you? Paula thought he tore it up. Simon thought it was as if he was strumming along with a few buddies in his bedroom. CUE SEACREST HOMO JAB.

Hi former contestants. Is it wrong for me to totally hope Anoop is nailing Tattooed Mormon Joy? His grin kind of says, yeah, I’m tapping that ass. Meanwhile, Casper gives a pathetic pose, Blind Guy isn’t looking at the camera and Jorge Nunez just looks so happy to be there. Whatever. I’m a total sap, and Jorge Nunez’s unadulated joy at even being in the Top 13 always makes me smile. (And of course, La Princesa just looks cool. Because she is La Princesa!)

Adam Lambert
No Boundaries

Of course this is a song about hope and making it through hurricanes and stuff. Because this is the stuff Idol songs are made of. To his credit, Adam Lambert does his best with complete shit. He makes it almost listenable, but I do think this may be the weakest I’ve ever heard his voice on the show. There are a couple of iffy parts in the chorus…I don’t know…I will cut him some slack though, because its another tired song about climbing every mountain.

Granted, sometimes, when I am somewhere random and it comes on the radio or something, I do kind of not totally despise Cook’s Time of My Life. Even though the magical rainbows part always makes me wonder how he could even get through the lyric. But those are Idol coronation songs. And the crux of these truly magical songs are tasting every moment and climbing every mountain. Whatevia. I want to taste every moment while I’m climbing every mountain. And after I’m done tasting every moment on every damn mountain, I want a key to the city, bitch.

Randy says it was just all right. He even evokes the word PITCHY. Shit For Brains uses the performance to pimp herself and her co-writers. Lambert proves he does have acting chops by thanking her for the song and saying its beautiful.

Paula creams herself. It’s times like these when I know Randy is just trying to break through his pre-programmed, micro-chipped vocabular and utter an original thought, because he was right on. Simon tells Adam he’s awesome, but still manages to call Shit For Brains out for what she is and blasts the song as being utter crap.

Now these people, well, they totally half-assed their fantard signs. COME ON. Black Sharpie is all you people got? You are not real fans. Get out.

Kris Allen
No Boundaries

Ok. Let’s see what he does with it. Let’s see how he connects emotionally to standard Idol drivel. I do think, like Lambert’s, his voice is probably a bit tired at this point.

All I know is that I am just so thankful I’m listening to HBD sing this right now and not Danny Gokey. He did a very servicable job with a shit song. What were his other options?

Randy kind of tells HBD he’s lost, aka he should be proud of what he’s done in the competition. Kara thinks the song was too high for him. Hmmm…what, did you write this song specifically for a Gokey-Lambert finale? She thinks people should vote on the season, but I’m hoping she is also admitting to herself that she completely sucks and has zero artistry. (Hey, a gal can hope can’t she?)

I’m kind of calling bullshit right now because they’re uh…well, it’s not surprising, but I feel like they’re using their last opportunity to throw this guy under the bus. I mean, they tried all season long but there he stands, and even though all Idol coronation songs are a bunch of “inspirational” tripe, I just can’t help but think that shit was written with the expectation Gokey would be standing up there next to Lambert. From the title to the lyrics, that shit was totally penned for a Lambert-Gokey showdown.

At least Simon reitterates the fact he deserves being in the finale, I’ll give him that.

HBD is totally hoarse.

Me and Adam, we said we weren’t competing. We’re just coming out to give a good show tonight. Hopefully, we did that.

And in an instant, my icy black heart melts. And perhaps this warm & fuzzy feeling will only last a few moments, but it does kind of prove to me that sometimes, good might prevail over evil. People might get what they deserve. And maybe, just maybe, when you give sheeple the power to choose, they may just do the right thing.

Fox did get their God vs. Gay finale, however, it kind of bit them in the ass. Because maybe, just maybe, people really don’t care if you’re a Believer or a Fudgepacker. Maybe they just kind of want to see a couple of good people up there with good talent and good hearts.

As per usual, I don’t care who wins Idol. But I kind of think both these guys won. And we know they’re both driving home a new Ford, just as much as we know they’re both gonna be stalked from here to eternity by batshit crazy lunatics.

But at least I can say, with 100% conviction, I’m hoping they make it. Because they’re just a couple of good guys and hey, who doesn’t like to see the good guys win every now and again.