TopIdol’s Big Fraking American Idol Adventure: Part 1

Since I was in Los Angeles for a few days, I figured, hey, you know what? I should try and see American Idol.

Just like The Grove and the overwhelming number of lap band billboards lining L.A.’s streets, American Idol is all sorts of wrong and in so many ways.

First off, I have to park at The Grove, some absolutely heinous “shopping mall” famous for being featured on TMZ all the time. I guess its up there with The Ivy as far as celebrity desperation goes, but somehow is not seen as such because of its close proximity to CBS Studios. The Grove is basically one of those Planned Disney Communities / Vegas Casino with Cinnabon-in-lieu-of-Craps-tables. It is absolutely horrible.

While in The Grove, I nearly got hit by a trolley, was forced to endure the most painful of music piped in (LOUDLY) everywhere I walked and witnessed lunacy of this calibur:

From this Grove place, I had to go find where all those with Idol tickets were lining up.

During my quest, I somehow ended up with tickets to The Price Is Right taping for 1pm today, which is way cooler than Idol, but apparently not too difficult to get? Nice Ticket Booth Lady also offered me Craig Ferguson and Dancing With The Stars but I have no interest in such things.

Ticket lady informs me the Idol ticketholders are lined up on Beverly. So I walk around, encountering others who got confused along the way. However, they have like 20-25 years on me and are all wearing Talbots or tasteful animal prints. Seeing as there are four of them, I don’t bother asking for an extra ticket. Plus, they frightened me because while the air was quite breezy, nary a hair on their head moved.

So I do what I was told when I reach the line, start asking people if they have an extra ticket. Which makes me feel like a complete asshat. I see that one woman just got a ticket so I ask both her and those she joined up with about it. She informs me I just need to keep doing what I’m doing, although sometimes, if the guy who checks IDs and stuff is feeling generous, he will “move the numbers up on the sheet” or something. She tells me I can go up and down the line and ask and if I have no luck, I can come back and hang with her and ask to be put on their ticket with this moving the numbers up thing.

She has clearly done this before and I am trying to keep up with what she is saying. As I sheepishly tell her thanks, mainly because I am dreading being an Asshat and begging people for a goddamn ticket to fraking American Idol, she places her hands on either shoulder and instructs me to “have confidence!” Apparently, you to have confidence when asking for a ticket. I didn’t know it was a confidence thing, hell, I just don’t like begging and I thought looking sheepish & somewhat shameful yield, just as those “happily-married” fathers of three who peruse out-of-the-way parks on their lunch break are successful in those sorts of endeavors. But she was nice, and hell, I was kind of shocked to see others actively telling random strangers how to get in, as well as no one visibly selling tickets and sharing their tips.

Luckily, I did not have to beg for very long. Which was perfect, because I really loathe humiliating myself and as I said, begging makes me feel like a total asshat. I wasn’t going to go up and hound everyone so I quickly looked for groups of 2-3 congregated in the line. I find a group of three girls and ask them. They agree and then I just enter into their group and introduce myself. I assume I have scared them and I am trying to make small talk because gee, that’s just what I do. They’re sweethearts, plus one of the girls had not been watching this season. Obviously, after a few minutes, I quickly realize this was definitely the right sort of group for me to sponge an extra ticket off.

I start off with asking them, “So…who is your favorite contestant this season?” They all say Adam Lambert. Actually, in nearly all my conversations with those waiting in line and during the show, this is obviously, the only thing I could come up with asking. I mean, its the most logical question to lead with, right?

I am surrounded by crazy Idol fans, mostly women 15-25 years older than myself. One woman in front of me is with holding a paperback romance, one of those with the covers clearly stating the type of novel it is. Several people brought stuff to pass the time, it seems. Another four just ahead of her are all wearing sombreros. Obviously, I am immediately suspect of these women so I ask them what is the deal with the sombreros. I am expecting something typical of crazy Idol fans, however, they ask me if I want one because they bought a bunch for $1 only to keep the sun out while they stood in line, as when they came last year, it was bright out. Wait…no crazy inside joke about Adam Lambert’s ass being so fine you need to deflect the powerful light from it or something like that? I chatted with one of them a bit more and even told her I had a stupid blog.

Sombrero Lady #1: You do a blog? I don’t do the blogs but tell me what it is.

Me: Oh, well…you may not like it. (Looking around at sombrero-ed crew) I mean, you have to not take Idol all that seriously. Just last month someone told me to go off myself and I’ve been called Satan, so…

Sombrero Lady #1: Are you serious? No, I’m not like that. (Laughs) Wow, really?

Me: Ok, I’ll give you the address. (Changes subject) So what were you saying about how if Danny Gokey went home, there would be an uprising or something? Sorry, I just overheard what you were saying.

Sombrero Lady #1: Oh, it was just something we read in USA Today. Do you want to see it? They said if Danny Gokey went home, all of his fans would vote for Kris Allen.

Me: Oh yeah, because of Jesus, er because they’re both devout Christians? (CRAP. Momentarily forgot I should not mention Jesus at all today. Must quickly change subject.) Personally, I think the Final 2 should be Lambert and Allen, I really don’t think Gokey deserves it over Allen. I think Allen has more talent.

Nice Sombrero Lady #1: Oh! Do you do a Kris Allen blog?

Me: Oh no, its…definitely no…its definitely not a fan blog of any sort… (I write down the address and hand it to her) I just think Gokey is karaoke and Kris Allen (I am also being forced to call the contestants by their actual names, which was rather difficult) actually does something different with songs and to me…that is…what I like seeing in this competition.

I went back to my group a minute or so later once they started sorting us, pushing us back, making us move forward. In retrospect, I am now realizing a few of the women I spoke with kind of looked at me funny when I said I did not want Gokey to win. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, however…(more about this in Part 2)

While still positive the Sombrero Ladies are crazy Idol fans to some extent, they were very nice to me. Very sweet gals. Hell, they even offered me a sombrero of my very own. AND none of them had signs…

Ah yes, Idol fans and those goddamn homemade signs. First of all, want to make a quick buck? Go up and down Beverly Blvd on Tuesday and Wednesdays and sell overpriced sets of posterboard and markers. Or better yet, premake really nice signs on Photoshop or something and sell them for say, $20. There is money to be made in Crazy Idol Fan Signs, I just know it.

Just up ahead, there is a woman wearing head-to-toe light pink, tights, a dress and pink mule slippers trimmed in a zebra print (I think). She is also carrying a sign proclaiming her cougaricity for Gokeyoke. She is standing with a woman holding a canvas tote with three words emblazoned on the side, of of which is Jesus. Hello? Of course I am fascinated with these creatures.

After realizing I will not obtain the quality of photos I truly desire through sneaking around with my phone, I just go up to this woman and ask to take her photo. She totally obliges! She has also changed her shoes! Now she is wearing pink suede stiletto boots! (People who wear heels to Idol, um…don’t do it.) Her friend then wants to take a photo of me taking a photo because you know, it’s super cool. I guess this woman ALWAYS gets in and near the front because of her signs. (That’s why she totally knows what’s up and changes her shoes right before its time to go into the Lot.)

She’s one of those who maximizes posterboard space, too, as one side stated this:

And the other side was erroneous because it said nothing about Quatto The Mole.

I quickly thank them for allowing me to take their photo and run back to the safe haven of Erika, Christina and Julie, the three sweethearts who allowed me to come along with them on this fateful journey.

That was the only sign for Quatto, er Matt, that I saw at dress. Damn. I really should have made a sign for Quatto! I don’t think anyone has made a sign for Quatto The Mole, but I’m Quatto The Mole’s biggest fan so it definitely should have been me. I did see a sign saying My Mom Loves Simon on the back of a Danny is My Fav sign during the show, but when I was there, I only saw Gokey or Lambert signs (including the one visible in the above photo, Adam Lambert is Hotter than the Heat in Arizona)

As we get closer to 1pm, several white SUVs pull up. A bunch of pretty young teenagers tumble out and line up parallel to us. They are the “Keating Group”. Each one of them is young, tan and blandly attractive. Yes, America, even for the dress rehearsal, Idol still busses in a “young & good looking” group for the front. Although I think this was the Tier 2 “young & good looking” group, as they were used for dress rehearsal.

Finally, we’re allowed in. Our IDs are kind of checked and we enter the CBS lot. We walk by the Dancing With The Stars line and the parking lots for people on that shit show. We walked by parking spots marked for R. Jackson and K. DioGuardi, as well as those for several people on Dancing With The Stars, however, they do not have the “permeance” as the idiots’ names stenciled on concrete. (Although I think its safe to say they have shittier parking than Paula Abdul or Simon Cowell, as they were in Dancing With The Stars territory and Paula & Simon’s spots were nowhere nearby.)

So now it is time for everyone to pee (if they have to), check in their phones and cameras and then proceed to the holding pen, where everyone sits next to each other on long benches and receives their initial instructions on how to behave once in the Idol sanctuary.

But you can read about that in Part 2 of this incredible tale. Come on, it’s already too long. I’m breaking this shit up so people might actually read it.