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TopIdol’s Big Fraking American Idol Adventure: Part 1

April 29, 2009

Since I was in Los Angeles for a few days, I figured, hey, you know what? I should try and see American Idol.

Just like The Grove and the overwhelming number of lap band billboards lining L.A.’s streets, American Idol is all sorts of wrong and in so many ways.

First off, I have to park at The Grove, some absolutely heinous “shopping mall” famous for being featured on TMZ all the time. I guess its up there with The Ivy as far as celebrity desperation goes, but somehow is not seen as such because of its close proximity to CBS Studios. The Grove is basically one of those Planned Disney Communities / Vegas Casino with Cinnabon-in-lieu-of-Craps-tables. It is absolutely horrible.

While in The Grove, I nearly got hit by a trolley, was forced to endure the most painful of music piped in (LOUDLY) everywhere I walked and witnessed lunacy of this calibur:

This is the greeter at the the Abercrombie & Fitch in The Grove

From this Grove place, I had to go find where all those with Idol tickets were lining up.

During my quest, I somehow ended up with tickets to The Price Is Right taping for 1pm today, which is way cooler than Idol, but apparently not too difficult to get? Nice Ticket Booth Lady also offered me Craig Ferguson and Dancing With The Stars but I have no interest in such things.

Ticket lady informs me the Idol ticketholders are lined up on Beverly. So I walk around, encountering others who got confused along the way. However, they have like 20-25 years on me and are all wearing Talbots or tasteful animal prints. Seeing as there are four of them, I don’t bother asking for an extra ticket. Plus, they frightened me because while the air was quite breezy, nary a hair on their head moved.

So I do what I was told when I reach the line, start asking people if they have an extra ticket. Which makes me feel like a complete asshat. I see that one woman just got a ticket so I ask both her and those she joined up with about it. She informs me I just need to keep doing what I’m doing, although sometimes, if the guy who checks IDs and stuff is feeling generous, he will “move the numbers up on the sheet” or something. She tells me I can go up and down the line and ask and if I have no luck, I can come back and hang with her and ask to be put on their ticket with this moving the numbers up thing.

She has clearly done this before and I am trying to keep up with what she is saying. As I sheepishly tell her thanks, mainly because I am dreading being an Asshat and begging people for a goddamn ticket to fraking American Idol, she places her hands on either shoulder and instructs me to “have confidence!” Apparently, you to have confidence when asking for a ticket. I didn’t know it was a confidence thing, hell, I just don’t like begging and I thought looking sheepish & somewhat shameful yield, just as those “happily-married” fathers of three who peruse out-of-the-way parks on their lunch break are successful in those sorts of endeavors. But she was nice, and hell, I was kind of shocked to see others actively telling random strangers how to get in, as well as no one visibly selling tickets and sharing their tips.

American Idol fans lined up down Beverly Blvd

Luckily, I did not have to beg for very long. Which was perfect, because I really loathe humiliating myself and as I said, begging makes me feel like a total asshat. I wasn’t going to go up and hound everyone so I quickly looked for groups of 2-3 congregated in the line. I find a group of three girls and ask them. They agree and then I just enter into their group and introduce myself. I assume I have scared them and I am trying to make small talk because gee, that’s just what I do. They’re sweethearts, plus one of the girls had not been watching this season. Obviously, after a few minutes, I quickly realize this was definitely the right sort of group for me to sponge an extra ticket off.

I start off with asking them, “So…who is your favorite contestant this season?” They all say Adam Lambert. Actually, in nearly all my conversations with those waiting in line and during the show, this is obviously, the only thing I could come up with asking. I mean, its the most logical question to lead with, right?

I am surrounded by crazy Idol fans, mostly women 15-25 years older than myself. One woman in front of me is with holding a paperback romance, one of those with the covers clearly stating the type of novel it is. Several people brought stuff to pass the time, it seems. Another four just ahead of her are all wearing sombreros. Obviously, I am immediately suspect of these women so I ask them what is the deal with the sombreros. I am expecting something typical of crazy Idol fans, however, they ask me if I want one because they bought a bunch for $1 only to keep the sun out while they stood in line, as when they came last year, it was bright out. Wait…no crazy inside joke about Adam Lambert’s ass being so fine you need to deflect the powerful light from it or something like that? I chatted with one of them a bit more and even told her I had a stupid blog.

Sombrero Lady #1: You do a blog? I don’t do the blogs but tell me what it is.

Me: Oh, well…you may not like it. (Looking around at sombrero-ed crew) I mean, you have to not take Idol all that seriously. Just last month someone told me to go off myself and I’ve been called Satan, so…

Sombrero Lady #1: Are you serious? No, I’m not like that. (Laughs) Wow, really?

Me: Ok, I’ll give you the address. (Changes subject) So what were you saying about how if Danny Gokey went home, there would be an uprising or something? Sorry, I just overheard what you were saying.

Sombrero Lady #1: Oh, it was just something we read in USA Today. Do you want to see it? They said if Danny Gokey went home, all of his fans would vote for Kris Allen.

Me: Oh yeah, because of Jesus, er because they’re both devout Christians? (CRAP. Momentarily forgot I should not mention Jesus at all today. Must quickly change subject.) Personally, I think the Final 2 should be Lambert and Allen, I really don’t think Gokey deserves it over Allen. I think Allen has more talent.

Nice Sombrero Lady #1: Oh! Do you do a Kris Allen blog?

Me: Oh no, its…definitely no…its definitely not a fan blog of any sort… (I write down the address and hand it to her) I just think Gokey is karaoke and Kris Allen (I am also being forced to call the contestants by their actual names, which was rather difficult) actually does something different with songs and to me…that is…what I like seeing in this competition.

I went back to my group a minute or so later once they started sorting us, pushing us back, making us move forward. In retrospect, I am now realizing a few of the women I spoke with kind of looked at me funny when I said I did not want Gokey to win. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, however…(more about this in Part 2)

While still positive the Sombrero Ladies are crazy Idol fans to some extent, they were very nice to me. Very sweet gals. Hell, they even offered me a sombrero of my very own. AND none of them had signs…

Ah yes, Idol fans and those goddamn homemade signs. First of all, want to make a quick buck? Go up and down Beverly Blvd on Tuesday and Wednesdays and sell overpriced sets of posterboard and markers. Or better yet, premake really nice signs on Photoshop or something and sell them for say, $20. There is money to be made in Crazy Idol Fan Signs, I just know it.

Just up ahead, there is a woman wearing head-to-toe light pink, tights, a dress and pink mule slippers trimmed in a zebra print (I think). She is also carrying a sign proclaiming her cougaricity for Gokeyoke. She is standing with a woman holding a canvas tote with three words emblazoned on the side, of of which is Jesus. Hello? Of course I am fascinated with these creatures.

After realizing I will not obtain the quality of photos I truly desire through sneaking around with my phone, I just go up to this woman and ask to take her photo. She totally obliges! She has also changed her shoes! Now she is wearing pink suede stiletto boots! (People who wear heels to Idol, um…don’t do it.) Her friend then wants to take a photo of me taking a photo because you know, it’s super cool. I guess this woman ALWAYS gets in and near the front because of her signs. (That’s why she totally knows what’s up and changes her shoes right before its time to go into the Lot.)

She’s one of those who maximizes posterboard space, too, as one side stated this:

Danny Gokey, this cougar loves you

And the other side was erroneous because it said nothing about Quatto The Mole.

Matt Giraud fan...also Danny Gokey "Cougar"

I quickly thank them for allowing me to take their photo and run back to the safe haven of Erika, Christina and Julie, the three sweethearts who allowed me to come along with them on this fateful journey.

That was the only sign for Quatto, er Matt, that I saw at dress. Damn. I really should have made a sign for Quatto! I don’t think anyone has made a sign for Quatto The Mole, but I’m Quatto The Mole’s biggest fan so it definitely should have been me. I did see a sign saying My Mom Loves Simon on the back of a Danny is My Fav sign during the show, but when I was there, I only saw Gokey or Lambert signs (including the one visible in the above photo, Adam Lambert is Hotter than the Heat in Arizona)

As we get closer to 1pm, several white SUVs pull up. A bunch of pretty young teenagers tumble out and line up parallel to us. They are the “Keating Group”. Each one of them is young, tan and blandly attractive. Yes, America, even for the dress rehearsal, Idol still busses in a “young & good looking” group for the front. Although I think this was the Tier 2 “young & good looking” group, as they were used for dress rehearsal.

Mildly attractive youth bussed in for American Idol dress rehearsals

Mildly attractive teens bussed in for American Idol dress rehearsals

Finally, we’re allowed in. Our IDs are kind of checked and we enter the CBS lot. We walk by the Dancing With The Stars line and the parking lots for people on that shit show. We walked by parking spots marked for R. Jackson and K. DioGuardi, as well as those for several people on Dancing With The Stars, however, they do not have the “permeance” as the idiots’ names stenciled on concrete. (Although I think its safe to say they have shittier parking than Paula Abdul or Simon Cowell, as they were in Dancing With The Stars territory and Paula & Simon’s spots were nowhere nearby.)

Lil' Kim's parking space for Dancing With The Stars

So now it is time for everyone to pee (if they have to), check in their phones and cameras and then proceed to the holding pen, where everyone sits next to each other on long benches and receives their initial instructions on how to behave once in the Idol sanctuary.

But you can read about that in Part 2 of this incredible tale. Come on, it’s already too long. I’m breaking this shit up so people might actually read it.

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28 Comments leave one →
  1. Nice Sombrero Lady #1 permalink
    May 1, 2009 9:57 pm

    hey Top Idol – very interesting and accurate account of “our” Idol day in Hollywood. THANKS for not taking – or at least not posting – a picture of the sombrero ladies! LOL We are not Crazy Idol ladies, well maybe one of my friends is, but not me!

    If I knew you were gonna recap the day I would have said more! Good job – and that was a blast, wasn’t it?

  2. peacebetween permalink
    April 30, 2009 11:00 pm

    I’ve never commented before here. I’m a lurker extraordinaire. BUT! Your blog fraking rocks….. and I’m uber-excited to see this Part 2-ness of your epic adventure.

  3. Ema permalink
    April 30, 2009 8:56 pm

    Ha, this is hysterical. Can’t wait for part two =D

  4. Crissa permalink
    April 30, 2009 8:29 pm

    Great blog! I’m looking forward to part 2!

  5. April 30, 2009 8:19 pm

    Since part 2 has yet to be released, I can only surmise that you are still stuck in a decontamination chamber somewhere.

    I’m praying for you Top Idol, stay strong! :handheartheh

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 30, 2009 8:43 pm

      Awwwww…I had to take a big nap after work. But my strength is returning. I can’t wait to write it, either.

  6. t-mo permalink
    April 30, 2009 6:46 pm

    I can’t wait for part 2!! You lucky f**kb**b!

  7. emma grace permalink
    April 30, 2009 4:21 pm

    when’s part 2 coming??

  8. Erika permalink
    April 30, 2009 1:07 pm

    Sounds exactly the way it happened. Thanks for joining us and making the wait a little more tolerable!!!

    • TopIdol permalink
      April 30, 2009 1:40 pm

      Oh! I’m so glad you came and visited! I had to run out so fast to get my phone and camera, I didn’t get to say goodbye. I had such a great time with you guys.

      And in Part 2, I will be blasting that stupid PA chick who flirted with the high school doofuses while poor Julie couldn’t see shit!

      You guys should try and get into more of these 🙂 Of course, if you do, I will beg you to bring a camera.

      • Erika permalink
        April 30, 2009 10:46 pm

        Ya Know… we had tons of fun so, Me and Julie were thinking about using mutiple e-mail addresses to help speed the process along. So we can go more than once every 2 years. lol. I’ll let ya know if it works…It’s going to take a while.

        • TopIdol permalink
          April 30, 2009 11:16 pm

          How about the next time I show up to LA randomly, all three of us get together again and work the line? Works for me!

          You guys were great. And I am so sticking Julie on my shoulders next time, screw those bastards.

  9. celcasters permalink
    April 30, 2009 11:19 am

    Loved your play-by-play of your day in that gawd awful line. I did it a couple of times last year and it is a circus no matter how you slice it. Hope you make it into the finals at the Nokia one day… the teleprompter idol producers forgive during the finals really turn this into the glorified karaoke contest this truly is!

    Marc

  10. April 30, 2009 10:15 am

    you do know you are my hero, don’t you?

  11. April 30, 2009 7:05 am

    O M G you went to The Grove? *snickers*

    You have done well, Grasshopper. Now chop chop and make with the Part Two. Now!

  12. JohnnyDrama permalink
    April 30, 2009 6:43 am

    Great recap! Can’t wait to part 2! Ugh.. that cougar made my balls hide behind my dick! Her nylons were actually holding in her BLUBBER!! You must have been amazed at the spectacle!

  13. April 29, 2009 9:33 pm

    P.S. I don’t understand how these people can wear heels. You stand for so long. e_e

  14. April 29, 2009 9:31 pm

    Leave it to you to make something so exciting sound like a drag. =P
    Wow, begging WORKED! And you took my groups of not-4 advice yayy =D
    HAY HAY NOW. I like the Grove. It’s actually nice-looking and I see famous people there. I was actually there today… Oh, right, and it has Barnes and Noble, Bath and Body Works, the Apple store, Forever 21, and a decent movie theater all in one place. That’s kinda rare.
    Anywayyy.
    WOW there are LOTS more cougars this year… o_O Stupid Danny. It’s all his fault. Granted, I only went to one with Michael Johns… but then again, I only went to one legit taping last year. STILL. There are usually more teens, kids with parents, and twentysomethings when I go… again, only been 3 times excluding Idol Gives Back.
    So cool seeing a street I know so well on here! hahaha I can’t believe you were here… man!

  15. Bethie permalink
    April 29, 2009 5:04 pm

    Love this! Thanks for the in-person viewpoint. Where’s part 2? Not to be a nag, or course…

  16. April 29, 2009 4:09 pm

    LOL you sound like such a fun person to hang with, bb. and much love to you for spreading “kradam = top 2”.

  17. April 29, 2009 3:10 pm

    The Cougar was at the taping I was at a couple of weeks ago. SCARY!!

  18. April 29, 2009 3:01 pm

    Love this insider’s look, TopIdol.

    Those imported Glamour Shots models they brought in for the front row looked exactly as I pictured they’d be. They were tan and bland, like you said, but they had that C-List sense of entitlement about them too. Even with just those two pictures, I could tell they all honestly thought they were going to be someone some day. The bitter, cynical bastard in my was a little more hot and bothered than usual by that. Can’t wait to see them in the JCPenny Christmas catalogue later this year!

    Thank you.

  19. SarahBeth permalink
    April 29, 2009 2:04 pm

    I love this so far. I can’t wait for part 2.

    Somehow it doesn’t surprise me that Idol busses (or SUV’s?) in young attractive people for the front of the pit.

    Those signs are classic.

    • amberjo permalink
      April 30, 2009 5:13 pm

      Agreed.

      Also, almost died when I saw Lil Kims crappy parking space sign. LMAO!

  20. April 29, 2009 1:32 pm

    Ha ha, nice! Did you get to watch the live show later? How is it different than dress? (Btw, I love your blog, it brings the lol’s.)

  21. Deez permalink
    April 29, 2009 1:26 pm

    Nice, I’ve always suspected that most voters are NOT the tweens (the reason the haters give for HBD’s continued presence) but, instead women ages 30-60 and gay men. Looks like lots of supporting evidence there!

    • Maree permalink
      April 29, 2009 10:41 pm

      It’d explain the continuing Gokey love, too. He has a fine voice, iffy performance skills, and is really not the sort to appeal to tweens/teens. Cougars, on the other hand…

  22. Jennifer permalink
    April 29, 2009 1:16 pm

    That Lil Kim pylon is PRICELESS.

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